Having lived with an angry alcoholic for several years, the violence levels were unpredictable. Gathering tools to help me deal with sudden outbursts of rage became one of my main goals. Here are a few ideas that will help you if you are living in an abusive situation.
Always Have an Overnight Bag Packed-The title here should tell you that there are times when you are going to have to remove yourself from the ever increasing intensity of a moment. When you see the alcoholic’s temperature starting to heat up it’s better to be prepared ahead of time to make an escape. Go to a friend or relative’s house, just get out of harm’s way.
Make Sure to Have Money Stashed Somewhere-If you do have to leave for a while you’re going to need a few dollars for food, gas or whatever.
Have Three Plans of Action-Perhaps you can just go into another room and lock the door. Maybe you can go for a walk in the neighborhood until the alcoholic cools off. Visit a neighbor or just get in the car and go for a ride. Just make sure that you have a couple of things in mind if violence begins to break out. Fits of rage can come so unexpectedly. The last thing you want is to get trapped in a very uncomfortable situation.
Outburst of Rage in Public Places-Listen, if you have to take a cab to get away from someone who will not stop harassing you in a public place, then do whatever it takes to separate yourself from an alcoholic who is having a problem with violence. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM HARM’S WAY!
A really good friend of mine used to say: “When you see that look in their eyes, RUN!”
There’s no reason to be the punching bag for an alcoholic. Have a plan, make a back-up plan and then make sure that there’s a third one too. If your decision is to continue to be involved in an alcoholic’s life who is having violence issues, then make sure you do everything that you can to avoid arguing with the alcoholic and get into a safe place when an outburst of anger begins.
You should never argue with an alcoholic!
On many occasions as I would be seeking, in a very non adversarial way, to remove myself from the presence of the angry alcoholic, I would get hit in the back of the head or pushed. Even at times, as I was walking into a room to find a safe get away, she would follow me into the room and punch me. Sadly, one night I knelt in the corner of the room where I was seeking to find safety and she began to kick me in the back.
The best help I can offer you is to learn all the techniques that you can to stop an argument before it begins. Learn how to avoid the violence that some alcoholic feed on. You can find a lot of help in places like Ala-non. By attending group meetings, you can learn how to live with and love an alcoholic who suffers from having outburst of rage and anger fits.
But I can’t leave when he’s angry and violent because I am afraid he will get hurt, that the police might be called, or we will lose our housing. I feel if I leave then something very bad will happen. I feel I have a responsibility to stay and watch over him, to wait until he is normal again. I love him and worry about him all the time. I don’t understand the culture of putting myself first in moments like this when he is so obviously unwell. I have slipped sometimes, and become angry myself, have said things I should not have said. Iknow this is taking over. We have so much to recover from. When sober he is not in denial, and expresses not wanting to drink. It used to be that was a hard enough goal. But now we have so many problems, it all seems insurmountable. It’s like he is my partner, and then suddenly decides i am the enemy. I am scared. I cannot visit my parents, because I am afraid to take the several hours trip away. I cannot work, not only due to my depression/anxiety, but because of what could happen while I am away at work. I have not choice right now, except for to help him recover. For I cannot abandon him.
..because he is deep down a wonderful person. And nothing is black and white. Trauma and pain is at the heart of these matters for people, and sadly there is also trauma in what is supposed to be treatment.
Bea – I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but until you walk away and let him hit bottom nothing is going to change; as long as he knows you are still there for him he will just contine – it’s funny as I write these words I just realized how in some ways I really should follow my own advise . . I had to have my husband arrested to get him to quit drinking, but he now keeps falling off the wagon . . he’s getting violent again . . and I have every intention of putting him back in jail if need be . . this would be a good cost effective way to get him out of my life . . he is making me miserable; I don’t even think I love him anymore . . if I do, I hate him at the same time . . he’s a monster . . and he hates when I call him that . . but if the shoe fits ya know . . I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope God can show you the way . . but you deserve better . . both of us do . . good luck to you . .
Bea, your compassion and kindness are outstanding attributes, I greatly admire you for your gentleness. But JC is right, you must protect yourself, even more so, because as the female you are
already at a physical disadvantage.
You can’t help him if you are dead, Bea. It is the chemical that has control of him
and it is the chemical with which you are having a relationship. The chemical will
destroy anything that gets in the way of continuing to have control of your husbands
life.
Be safe Bea. Please.
Bea, at one time I felt the same way that you did.I was worried all the time, scared for the kids, scared for myself, and scared for him. I was afraid the cops would be called and they were, I called them on him after he hurt me and hurt my son,, I tried to convince him to get help, try to make him understand what he was putting him, myself and the kids through, I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay.I found this site and began posting and reading and getting educated on the disease of alcoholism. This is a MONSTER of a disease!My ex would drink, but also express he did not want to drink, he knew he needed help, and he knew his alcoholism was getting worse and worse! These are words, watch for actions~is he attending a.a? is he attempting to get help, or is he just telling you he doesn’t want to drink, the off he goes drinking again. You sound like you don’t dare go to far in the fear that he will drink if you do, I did that as well, trust me if they want to drink they will find a way.My advice for you is if you choose to stay ~look around on this site, become educated about alcoholism, and post away as you need to, we are all right here for you. Take Care~