If you are getting abused by an alcoholic there are some ways that you can avoid letting these behaviors continue to affect you. In this article, we will be looking at ways to set boundaries and how to protect yourself from the mental, physical and spiritual abusive behaviors that some problem drinkers have.
First off, if you are suffering from a high intensity situation where you are being physically taken advantage of and hurt, please find some local help in your community. No matter what, NO ONE has any right to physically hurt another human. It doesn’t matter what they think or say about your behavior, you should never be someone’s doormat. Al-anon is a great place to start learning how to handle the situation you are in differently.
Handling Verbal Abuse
If the person in your life is verbally abusing you by calling you names, constantly belittling you, or yelling at you, you have the right to tell them to stop treating you that way. It’s time to learn how to set boundaries with an alcoholic. There are several ways you can learn how to effectively do this. I suggest that you find an alcoholism support group meeting in your area today! Don’t wait for another moment. Just find one in your area and start attending. There are people who understand what you are going through or living in and they can help, but you have to make the phone call.
Please try the following suggestions “only” when the alcoholic is being verbally difficult. Keep in mind though that alcoholics try to keep us angry or anxious. No matter what you do they will probably get mad. It doesn’t matter though because you MUST start getting out of harm’s way. An alcoholics temper is so unpredictable. Always be ready to remove yourself from the room if things really start getting out of hand.
Here are a few suggestions:
-Ask them to stop raising their voice at you
-Tell them you would appreciate it if they would stop calling you names
-Refuse to argue. Fighting with an alcoholic accomplishes nothing.
-Tell them you do not care to discuss the matter at this moment, then wait until they are sober to address the situation again.
Remove Yourself
You have a right to leave an unpleasant situation momentarily or even permanently.
Try a few of these suggestions:
-Go into a different room, close and lock the door behind you.
-Tell them you are going out for a drive or walk to allow some time for things to settle down.
-Get involved in Al-anon and attend meetings
-It doesn’t really matter what you do, just get the heck out of there when things get really heated up.
I know this all sounds difficult to do, but you MUST realize that you are the only one who can change the way you are being treated. The alcoholic in your life is going to continue to drink, get drunk and be abusive in many different forms. It’s up to you to make some changes. By getting involved locally with an organization that can help you, you can begin to make these changes.
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES
I wrote an article about when the pain of living with an alcoholic gets greater than the fear of leaving them that’s when change begins to happen.
The only way you are going to avoid getting abused is by getting out of the way of the abuse.
-Are being called degrading names?
-Are you being sexually mishandled?
-Do you get blamed for everything?
-Does it feel like you are walking on eggshells all of the time?
-Is someone using you as their punching bag?
-Have you been shoved by an alcoholic?
-Does it seem like you can do absolutely nothing to please the problem drinker?
If you answered yes to most of those questions, then you are most diffidently enmeshed in an abusive situation. The sooner you start detaching from an alcoholic the better off your life will be.
Please don’t let your embarrassment of the situation stop you from getting the help you need. I promise you, there are literally thousands of people in your community that understand the hurt and pain that you are going through. You have the ability to avoid letting the alcoholic continue to treat you this way. You just need a little help from people who know how to handle an abusive alcoholic.
Today, I am dealing with an incredible amount of sadness about my marriage and my life and how it turned out living with and being married to an alcoholic for 34+ years…..I do not want to be angry anymore.
I can go for many days and be OK but all of a sudden, I feel overwhelmed about the situation and then just break down….I worry that I will never get over what this disease has done to me and my family….I think it is especially hard now because the holidays are coming and I do not enjoy any of them and I have to pretend to be OK because of my sons and their families….and anybody that would be affected by my bad attitude…I will do it but it is just not real….I feel like a robot….Anyway,I am venting here because
I am sure my friends and relatives are sick of me talking about it anymore, so thanks for listening….
That is why there are sites like this. People do get tired of hearing us and if the situation was reversed we would get tired of it too!! So, thank God we have each other! This will pass Linda. This may not be the best holiday season for you but each year should get better. We all have stretches of feeling good and then it hits us some days and we just weep for them and the disease, for us and our loss, for the unbelieveability of how we were treated. This is the normal healing process of loss.
Wow.This article is just what I needed to get through the day.My AH stopped working in January and hasn’t bothered to find a job since.We’ve been married for five years and have two kids.He now torments me over money issues calling me all sorts of names and making all sorts of threats.I have to admit that I was an enabler until I read the articles on this site about setting boundaries and all.I’ve since made a conscious decision to stop and I’m stickin by it.Jus today he’s sent me over ten messages while I was at work which really disturbed my day.I’m struggling to keep my head above water.I don’t want to drown along with him because of his bad decisions.I’m even scared to go home coz i don’t know what crazy thing he’s gonna do.
[…] Being Abused by an Alcoholic Insanity of Being With an Alcoholic […]
I’m no longer in this situation he last came and blamed me for the relationship so again like I sd in the other statement I’ve thought about the good the bad treatment from this person thank god I found the help to be set free from this so have faith yea some stay some dont for me I was done cause i cared about me and daughter !!!!!
I cared about me and my daughter too. I did not have the internet when I was with a very mean alcoholic to understand this guy’s behavior. He would go binge drinking, have a blackout and not remember anything horrible he said. He demeaned me constantly. He chased after his ex-wife the entire time telling me he wished I looked like her but thought like me. I never got a kind word EVER. I was constantly denigrated 24/7. I got sick, was diagnosed with all these horrible things, and he humiliated me in public regarding a medical condition I couldn’t control. My sister’s then husband wanted to drown him in the lake (he was himself an alcoholic). He also denigrated my daughter who never did anything to him. She didn’t disrespect him. She said nothing because she was horribly damaged from her own biological father’s behavior, another Narcissist. I probably picked them because my own father was one. My then-fiance was 46 acting like a recalcitrant drunken frat boy putting cat poop into the neighbor’s shoes, insulting the people I worked for, yelling racial slurs out the window and on top of it smoking crack. He told me constantly that he was better than me, it was beneath to be with me because I didn’t look like his ex-wife who was far less educated and not any better looking, just different than me. It was MY rent-controlled apt. I called the police so many times. They would not remove him because he had established residency in my apt. I had to leave. It was horrible because it was a really good rent. He stole my clothing to sell for drugs while I was seeking all this Alternative Medicine stuff. He was violating his body while I was trying to heal mine. He couldn’t understand why after 3 yrs of being kept up all night being verbally abused, and the final domestic violence issue where he threw me 10′ in the air and I hit the wall because I asked him to turn the music down, we lived in an apt. and needed to respect others, that I left. On the outside to anybody not knowing the situation we looked great. The apt. was beautifully decorated and I dressed extremely well. I had lived in that apt. for 11 yrs prior to him. We had very low rent. He used my car for his work as a Realtor since his ex-wife took off with his. He could afford to stay up all night but I had a 9-to-5 job. I needed to sleep in order to do the job. I often got no sleep and spent the nights crying in the bathroom. His Mother God Bless her tried really hard but even she was frightened of him when he was drunk. He was scary. I didn’t have the internet to look anything up. I didn’t know if he was acting out because of the crack or the alcohol. He wouldn’t listen. He didn’t care. Unfortunately my daughter then married one against both my mom’s and my wishes. She wouldn’t listen and later divorced him because of it. Now my former fiance is very successful and I’ve gone down the drain. I asked him for help, not to be with him but to mentor me. He got angry because he got arrested for his domestic violence. He had domestic violence charges against him filed by his ex-wife he kept chasing. I had filed numerous complaints. I couldn’t communicate very well and I never could say how much he hurt me. I was dealing with the sexual abuse and domestic violence from childhood I never told him about. I was told to shut up about that so much I did and seldom told anybody. When I did to a psychologist they were horrified. Let’s just say it was a horrible childhood with a Narcissist and an Alcoholic who couldn’t deal with him. She made alot of mistakes with us because she had never dealt with her own issues. So I left him and have never had another relationship since. My former pastor called me a Bum Magnet. I guess I am. I don’t know. I am so tired of sexual abuse and domestic violence and mean people. I just wanted it to stop so I stayed alone with my animals. They loved me unconditionally, weren’t drunk and yeah they peed on stuff they weren’t supposed to but they were kind.
To Linda
Your story describes my life.
I know exactly how you feel. I have been married to my alcoholic for nearly 50 years now. Thank the gods I discovered al anon 2 years ago, and my life has been saved. May the force be with us all xxxxx
Linda wrote comment 4 years ago. Wonder what her story is now.
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