Guest Post By: Melba
For the past 4 yrs, I’ve been involved with a 30yr alcoholic, he is currently living in a Sober Living house and has been “Dry” for 5 months, (i suspect he is on something else, at times his demeanor is aggressive). We are both in our 40’s and have a 2r old son together. After our son was born, my partner’s drinking increased and he became extremely violent and an out of control alcoholic.
He was ordered to go into Rehab, which he did, (for the 10th time) while there, he was kicked out for having relations with another woman in the program. He was moved to a Sober living house where he has been at for several months.
He has been stringing me along for months and at times. I weaken and believe that he is better and allow him back into our lives. But as always, he does things that show deep lack of respect for me and I then shut him out of our lives again and again only to have him back. He is the father of 4 kids and a grandfather to 1, but is responsible for NONE, you would think he is a single carefree man from how he acts. He is into tattooing, piercings, mohawk hair cuts and bought memberships at 2 local gyms.
Since I set boundaries, he does not like me and complains that I nag at him. What I do is call him out on things he is doing that shows his inconsideration towards us. I suspected he was on the internet meeting other women and the other day he forgot his cell phone in my car and I scanned through it and sure enough he had several pictures of women and phone numbers. If he is truly in recovery, why or what is making him act so boastful and arrogant and extremely self absorbed?
I have talked with other Sober men who seem remorseful and humbled by their recovery. My partner claims he loves me and my son very much and refuses to let us go, but he is enjoying the life on his own and wants to have his cake and eat it too. He claims to be going to all his meetings, up to 3 of the Alcoholics Anonymous ones on some-days, but his emotions are all over the place, sometimes he misses us and wants to be with us and sometimes he forgets we’re even here.
What shall I do? Almost giving up on him for good. I Can’t take this up and down life anymore and its unfair to our son who loves his dad very much but does he need to see his dad visit only when its convenient for him?
JC:Thanks for submitting your story Melba. I think you could benefit from reading this article: Tension Associated With Alcoholism. As always we recommend that you try to get connected with the Al-anon program, now is a good time while your partner is in the sober living house. It sounds like you may be reaching the point where the pain is greater than the fear of living without an alcoholic.
Dear Melba:
Your back & forth, on-again, off-again relationship with this man is hurting you deeply. Mine was not as severe but similar with the pushing me away one minute then tugging at my heart strings the next with just the right words and then back we go again for another chance.
Try to set a boundary away from him (preferably physically in separate household) if you have not done so yet. Keep it that way and try very little contact for six months & watch. Make your decision (for you) as to whether after six months away you want to keep it that way or whether you wish to try again.
If you try again–make your boundary very clear that if he falls back out of recovery you are gone! And then please go. Don’t waste one more minute of putting your life on hold for him.
But by giving yourself some space you can relax, decide what’s good for you and if it doesn’t work out you will know you took the time and made the right decision and did not rush into it or feel coerced into a decision.
I just finally got my divorce but he has 30 days to move out and now find that he was also having an affair (even if we were legally separated) this shows me there was no caring on his part towards me. It has hurt me terribly but I took my “time out” before I knew this and so I feel better when I made the decision to divorce. The pain is still bad from all the mis-treatment and now finding out about affairs & even his use of escorts & prostitutes, alcohol & drugs. I know it will take me and you a long time to heal but I don’t want any regrets so take your “time out” and make the best decision for you.
My prayers are with while you make this decision.
I know what you mean Melba /Debbie.I believe this wasnt the only relapse that proved he cheated on me. But others before that, too…as i am now looking back.I went and had myself checked and will go again before too long. I shudder to think what he COULD have brought home to me and my kids.What a slap in the face, after all i did to honor our marriage and to work with him. It’s not worth it to stifle yourself for a marriage-it didnt pan out in the end, thats for sure. But I can live now.I choose too.Make the life i want. And to h.ll with other men who dont like my standards.I suffered too much crap to sign up for more. I wish you all luck, peace , hope and direction from your Higher Power who freely gives to us all….
Ross
Melba, I was so caught up in the same sort of routine. One minute I was everything the alcoholic wanted and the next she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. One of the things I’ve learned is that sometimes alcoholics can have worse attitudes after they get sober than what they had before getting sober. Apparently they have to feel all of the negative feelings that they used to cover over with the alcohol and this makes them more irritable than when they where drinking. In any case, take care of yourself and do what ever it takes to protect your serenity. JC mentioned Al-anon… that’s where you can learn how to live a happy life even while being with an alcoholic. He may return to drinking once he gets out of the sober house, but you don’t have to return to living the same lifestyle. You can make changes in your life starting today.
I’ve read,that, when they get sober they can still go through something what the professionals call P.A.W.S…A trying time like withdrawals? or something. It can last anywhere from 6 months to two years. So I do believe they can have a hard time.Guess thats why they need all the support from groups and a sponsor that they can get.
Another friend of mine from an online support group shared with me that it takes 2 or 3 years to get there mind straight and another couple to get their mind out of hock? Geez, its something like that i hope i quoted it right. Anyway, im sure someone from AL-ANON can tell you the correct saying on that one, as Im sure that its been around awhile.
Hey Melba,
I’m currently going through something very similar with my girlfriend. We have a 4 yr daughter and she is now being affected by her moms alcoholism and tries to keep the peace between her mom and I. We try to not agrue in front of her but sometimes I let her moms words get to me and I lash out. I know my daughter can sense when there is something wrong too. But everytime my girlfriend picks up a drink I say this is it we are done and I want her out but the next day or two she says the right words that suck me back in and giver her another chance. She says meetings don’t work nor does support groups. She wants help but it has to be on her terms. All my friends say I need to get out of this toxic relationship, especially for our daughter who deserves to be in a better enviroment. Its really hard to go through living like this. So I hope you can find your answers and decide what is best for you and your child as well and know that you have plenty of support here on Alcoholic’s Friend.
Article you may find interesting. #2 and 4 kept me from thinking I was the crazy one. lol
http://www.spiritualriver.com/6-things-that-a-recovering-alcoholic-needs-to-learn-in-order-to-stay-sober/
Hey Shaun, Your comment hit me like a brick because I loved her…and I still do. But I went to another state, took my dog and moved all my things to a new house, got a new relationship with a wonderful country girl who neither smokes nor drinks. I say a country girl because we go to bed at 9:30 and wake up at 7AM, we are out of the house by 9, “But every time my girlfriend picks up a drink I say this is it we are done and I want her out but the next day or two she says the right words that suck me back in and giver her another chance”. Oh, yea I went through this almost word for word with my alcoholic wife, again and again. We divorced and I got away from this toxic relationship but it cost me a lot of money and emotional pain. However, I got a new house, a new relationship with a country girl who neither smokes or drinks. With my alcoholic wife I was often up till 3, 4 or 5 AM trying to get her to stop drinking and come home. Now I go to bed at 10 and am up at ^AM, out of the house and on the beach romping with our dogs. A bright, fresh and happy life with my new wife.
It’s still hard as I am still in love with my previous wife. But I remind myself what a phony she is. She called me a few times and wants to come back, only because she has drunk away the money she got from the divorce, and I put it to an old friend who is a dry alcoholic…no drinking in 15 years. He said “Although I have stopped drinking I’m still an alcoholic, and your ex wife will be an alcoholic till the day she dies…even if she hits bottom it will still take her 10 years and do you want to wait that long for her to come to her senses?” So
Sorry Shaun, I don’t know what went wrong with the last message. I wrote “your last message hit me like a brick” because it was so similar an experience to mine with my alcoholic wife. I loved her and I still do but the abuse and lack of respect was indescribable. I wanted to say I got to bed at a reasonable hour now and get up at 6 AM and take the dogs for a romp on the beach in the fresh air. My alcoholic wife was almost a chain smoker and stayed up all night pouring that piss down her throat. I have a healthy and productive life now and you can too, You first have to cut your girlfriend lose. It’s a hard road but that’s the way you have to go. As my friend said, do you want to wait around forever for her to hit bottom and come to her senses…maybe if she ever does? You have my prayers,
James
Thank you James, it just makes it harder when we have a daughter together and she wants us all to stay with eachother. We split up once and that lastest a couple months because her mom did get sober during that time and thought we would give it another try only to slip back into the old ways again. Now to put my daughter through another split up breaks my heart. But everyone tells me we will be better people in the end if we part our ways.
Hey Shaun, you should check out this article: https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2012/11/giving-ultimatums-alcoholic-addicts/
It may help you in standing your ground when you tell the alcoholic you are through if she drinks again.
Hopefully she will choose the high road and get sober. Miracles happen so don’t give up hoping.