JC: Hi Alyce, thanks for sharing about the continual strain you are experiencing in your marriage. It sounds like you are ready to make changes and are realizing that the emotional abuse has gone on long enough. We always recommend that readers attend Al-anon on this site. That’s the advice I have for you. I also think it would be wise to find an organization that specializes in helping people who are being abused. Because you mentioned God a few times, I think this book will help you a great deal: Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing (Revised Edition)
Guest Post By: Alyce
I have been married to my alcoholic for 5 years. We have two young sons together, 4 and 5 years old and I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son 2 weeks after we had moved in together and that’s when my nightmare started.
He had told me from our first date that he had always wanted children, but in his previous marriage that was not possible. I thought when I told him that he was going to be a father that he would be pleased. At first he acted happy. Then as time went on with the pregnancy, things started to change.
He would come home puking drunk on a Monday night. He owns his own business so he starts drinking when he leaves for work in the morning. Then of course the emotional abuse and manipulation began. I was just some whore. I was lazy. I needed to get out and get a job. I tried everything to please him. I would get a job and he would hound me until I would quit, then I was good for nothing again and just a gold digger. I quickly learned that I could not win.
I kept praying that after our son was born things would settle back down. After all, that’s what he always wanted, right? Things got worse because the emotional abuse then turned to my daughter. He was all the time yelling at her… over nit picky crap. We separated twice, only for me to “believe” the crap that was coming out of his mouth and take him back so we could be a “family”. Soon after, I found out I was pregnant again (even though I was on birth control!).
Then the abuse turned physical. I tried to leave only to be confronted with his family, and Texas law. You can not get divorced if you are pregnant. His family has many connections and made plenty of threats. I went back. Things would get better. And for a while they did. He did stay true to his word and never physically hurt me again, but the continued emotional abuse has really taken it’s toll on me.
People ask me why don’t you just leave? He has control of all the finances. I don’t even have a debit card. I have to ask him for his to buy groceries or get gas. I have no family close by, no job and no money. I lay awake at night crying, wishing I would wake up and find out this has all been a nightmare.
I have been lied to almost every day for the past 5 years. I am on constant egg shells. He has never had a DUI! I pray all the time that he will finally get caught, but it just never seems to happen!
I have read many of the articles on here and I am really trying to do a lot of the things that are suggested. It’s just easier said than done. Any advice?
I know that God loves me and that there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I just keep trying to make it through one more day for our boys. They are so young, and actually admire their daddy. I know that a divorce would be so crushing to them right now. He can be a really fun dad and at times we have fun as well. I wish it could be that way more and especially with my kids.
Alyce, I think you could benefit from these articles:
Married To A Functional Alcoholic
Being Emotionally Abused By My Alcoholic Spouse
Alyce: ((MY PRAYERS & HUGS TO YOU & YOUR CHILDREN))
I did not have children with my significant other alcoholic but I can imagine the dilemma you are confronting. . .wanting to stop this but having to think of your children. It is so hard on you. . I can see you are crying at night to sleep. I cry every night also but mine is now out of my life so I am a little ahead of you.
(Step 1) Please do the following immediately: Pick up the phone and call 3 people you are friends with and can trust. Tell them what you are going through and ask them if they can arrange to come over, individually (when your husband is not there of course) and cook your lunch or dinner and help you with just one project you are now overwhelmed with. While each is there tell your story and ask for their help. Most people will help if you reach out to them. You need others to help care for you and your needs right now to help you gain the strength you will need to decide what to do. Get them to babysit so you can attend support groups like Al Anon or just get out for a little while. Or go over to their house. Try one day/night with each of the three to help you get out & around others who are stable & help you to sort things out.
I was facing a major surgery when mine upped the abuse to forging my name to documents, hiring escorts, having affairs, and on & on. If I had not reached out I would have never been able to get my surgery or survive. I was overwhelmed at the response when I put out “feelers” and 3 women I worked with and one long time friend jumped to help–wouldn’t you do the same? One got up at 1 AM & got me to my surgery & held my hand through the whole thing, another came by every day during my recovery & brought me lunch, another checked on me every hour through my recovery and another still has me over at least once a week for her “homemade soup” and a listening ear. Getting it “off your chest” will take some of the pressure off you right now. I will be forever grateful to these wonderful people who came to my aid.
Don’t know where you live. . .I’m in NJ & my door is always open & my ear is always ready to listen. . .just let me know.
Stay strong & get the support you need right away!
Hi Alyce, Lundy Bancroft, in his book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
” offers the most comprehensive information on ABUSE that I have yet come across. Al-Anon is a great place to be heard, find Recovery for yourself and get support to make changes.
Alyce you should call the police the next time he drives off drunk. Not only is he endangering himself but the public too. My ex tried to take off drunk once .I told her I would call the police and have her arrested. That got her attention. Follow Debbi’s comments. She has a good head on her shoulder. Along with a lot of other people on this site. Hang in there Alyce. It’s going to be a long rough ride. But God does not give us more then we can handle.
It is so difficult to break free from the hold of emotional abuse or any type of abuse when you are alone. If it was not for my sister and her husband helping me I do not know if i ever would have broken free. They convince you that you are the problem and they also make you feel embarrassed to let anyone know what is going on because you are afraid others will see you as the one doing wrong. But you know what? Without some type of support it is very difficult to break free. I myself have come a very long way and am so glad he is out of my life at least for the most part and we are divorced and now he cannot even see the children because of his poor choices during visits that have harmed or put my children into harm’s way. THe truth is finally coming out and he is finally paying the consequences of his actions all these years. But i remember being in that place emotionally where i could not break free. And it is way too big a burden to face alone. Ask for God’s help and allow HIm to show you the way. He has given you resources which may simply be a friend or family member who can help even if just by listening.
Julie
Your Post is so true, It is hard to get away from the A, They have us believing their words when are heads tell us Actions don’t match.
That keeps us in their denial, and lies. I wish the true would come out. Don’t know how to make that happen. But to leave. This A is always worry about who I talk to. Thinks I have spy’s watching him. Guilt.
Oh and they think they are being spied on because they are so paranoid. It would be comical if it wasn’t so sad. When My exah lost his first job to drinking I caught him wrapping up empty beer cans in black garbage bags before putting them out in the trash. He was sitting around drinking in the garage all day since he was unemployed. When i asked him why he was doing that he told me very seriously that he knew his old boss was driving out to our house and checking our garbage for beer cans to see if he was still drinking. Really? Why would his old boss even care? He had gotten rid of him, so why would he go through the trouble of driving 45 minutes out to our house to check our trash in the middle of the night to see if an ex-employee was still drinking alcohol? But when i tried to make my ex see how illogical this was, he bacame very angry with me and insisted it was true and that i was stupid and naive for thinking otherwise. Naturally, i dropped the subject. But it was very scary to see that he actually believed this and went to great lengths to cover up his drinking from someone who was not even a part of his life anymore. Amazing how their addictive mind works. And i am sure the alcohol played a large part in the paranoia.
This is not just paranoia. Alcoholics if they drink enough for long enough can start to have hallucinations and believe they are real!! My friend told me her friends father was a long term alcoholic and near the end he went running through a park claiming Indians were after him to kill him. They eventually can loose there very minds. Another aspect not talked about much is Night Terrors. Remember there are 3 things that will happen to the alcoholic 1. End up in a mental hospital 2. Die of the disease/addiction or 3. Get sober.