How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying? There lips are moving. Coping (dealing) with the lying nature of the problem drinker is better done through accepting the fact that lies are a way of life for the substance abuser. They really have a problem with being truthful about anything.
Why do they lie so much? Let’s face it, they are living in a world of denial and if we get honest enough with ourselves, we will realize that we are living in denial as well. It’s really not important to understand why they do this, just accept the fact and leave them alone when they do it.
The sooner you can accept that lying is a part of the alcoholic’s lifestyle the better you will be able to cope. Dealing with someone who is not telling the truth is frustrating because it causes us to want to argue with them about not telling the truth.
Just learn how to zip your lip.
When we stop confronting them then there will be a lot less finger pointing going on. There is great freedom to be enjoyed once we stop judging an alcoholic.
When we learn that we do not have to try and prove to them that we know they are telling us a lie, then our frustration level will go down. This will help us to also stop blaming an alcoholic for much of our stress.
What is the point of confronting an alcoholic who is lying anyway? You know they are just going to deny the truth and stand up for the false reality that they perceive to be truth. Alcoholic liars come in every shape from a teenage son, daughter, spouse, mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather.
The reason they lie so much is because alcoholics are filled with shame. Have you ever known someone who when they were a child said they wanted to be an alcoholic when the grow up? Of course not, no one sets a goal to be addicted to some type of drug or substance. The alcoholic thinks and feels as though “they” are a mistake. For that reason they will lie about countless matters.
Unfortunately, lying is a comfortable way of life for the alcoholic. The best way of coping (or, dealing) with this problem is to just accept the truth and let them tell their lies without you pretending to be the private investigator who knows what really happened.
Trust me… When you start letting go of all the things they are doing, you will start losing your temper with an alcoholic less.
Just let them live their dysfunctional life and you enjoy yours without the additional fight for the day.
Author: JC Edited by: Odum On Google +
PS. And I feel sooooo unappreciated by them all for this. I did it ALL because I loved him, and they know that. Maybe they are just trying to servive? Don’t know.
Mark: you are in a tough situation. since you saw your wife/girlfriend sober for so long you have a long memory of how it can be (we tend to hold on to that). It will be tougher for you because of that. but when they relapse, even after many years of sobriety, it is going to be tough for her to get sober again and she may never. I suggest you get into couseling to help you get through this mentally and sort it all out. the sooner the better for you!! You eventually will come to a solution either to leave as you see it may never change or attend alanon and detach from the situation and get the daughters into Alateen or counseling. They need to know this is not a normal way to live, that they did not cause it, can’t fix it, etc…. Something to ground them in reality which the A can screw up there view of reality.
I hung on because of the fact my A was sober for 8 years of him former marriage and thought he could get back there. Also, he stayed sober for 3 months one time, 2 months another, a week here, a few days there (it gets less and less) in which I saw how he could be if he remained sober and it was wonderful during those times. But in the light of 4 plus years those times were minimal but they “hooked” me into the hope. The false hope.
To Mark:
Welcome and I’m so sorry what you are going through. We have all been there with different circumstances but we each suffer the same pain watching the A’s in our lives deteriorate. I did not see the extreme you are seeing as my A was more functional and working so what you are experiencing would make you feel just like a paycheck. When your heart catches up with the reality your brain knows is going on, you will be able to deal with it better and make some good decisions to move forward with your life. If the 2 girls involved have an active father in their life, perhaps it is time to involve him if possible, just a suggestion. Don’t feel alone as many of us do. . .and there are many of us. Get as much support for yourself right now first and people you can visit to put some distance from the situation. It is important not to isolate yourself–that is the worst part because we tend to believe we are the only ones in this situation. My thoughts are with you, keep us posted.
Thanks everyone for all of the feedback and words. I feel like I am fighting a lost cause. Unfortunately the biological father is a total dead beat. He has no job, no car, no education, gambling and drug addict, homeless and a total bum. Because of this and knowing I am the only stable roll model in their life it makes it that much harder to walk away. I put their situation in front of mine. I am very unhappy and feeling very unsatisfied in the relationship but look at the eyes of the girls and wonder what would happen to them if I walk away? In many ways I wish I would have never met her and got myself into this situation, it is really that dis-heartening on me. All I do is sit and pray it will go back to the way it used to be. Will it ever? She is not at all honest with her doctor, she is so bad she is sick and has internal bleeding, but refuses to see the problem. In many ways I feel like the enabler because I keep paying the bills and keeping food on the table, and I have threatened to stop doing it. Again, that doesn’t make me feel very manly, but I am at my ropes end and the knot is loosing up. I have talked to many friends regarding all of it, but I haven’t yet went to al-anon or counseling, I think for fear of hearing the cold reality of the situation. Sometimes I wish I had a different attitude and could put up a wall to protect myself, but being the giver and caring person that I am I just haven’t been able to stand my ground, I just keep providing. Should I get her to mutually agree to stick with the goals and dreams she agreed to and if not should I get out? Any direction and guidance from anyone would be great thanks.
HI There, I thought I would try to change my name to Julie21 to differentiate myself from the other Julie. I know I saw her post on other forums on this site that i was posting on too and it can get confusing. 🙂 However, Julie it sounds like our lives are so alike. I too have gotten through my divorce and my exah was so financially destructive and emotionally destructive too. BUt unfortunately me and the children are still going through things with him in the courts even though the divorce is over. However, i am building up our lives to recover from the years we lived with him and the divorce. BUt i see the children so free and happy now and no more living in fear for my exah was quite a controlling, abusive guy.
Heaven- I totally know where you are coming from. I know how the guilt drags you back. But i have learned -as my sister too has been an enormous help in getting away- that you should not feel “bad” or guilty for accepting help. Just let the people who are helping you know you are thankful and that they do not have to do anything to help you that they do not want to do. Honestly if they love you they are happy to help you anyway that is within their means. As far as feeling guilty for going back, I left my exah 7 times before leaving for good and stayed married for 21 years. Then i learned in my Domestic violence support group that such a statistic is actually normal. The average victim leaves the abuser 7 times before leaving for good. For me it was the guilt of giving up on my marriage and then worrying about him. I wondered where would he live? Who would clean his clothes or help him when he gets in trouble or wake him up for work, or anything else that i was always doing for him. I kept trying to find ways to stop his behavior from effecting my children and still stay married and live together. I originally decided enough was enough when my children came to me and told me that they could not take it anymore. But after leaving him and starting counseling I now stay away for myself and my own metnal/emotional health. I now finally have some self-value and believe that i deserve a better life than to be the caretaker of someone who caauses his own pain and treats me like a doormat if not worse.
I guess the whole point i am making is that i am glad to hear that you have a sister to turn to and please don’t hesitate to do so. Take any help you can get and free yourself from his hold because i know you feel powerless now but you actually have the power to change yourself and make your life better. It is not an easy road to take but much much better than the road you are on.
Hi Heaven, I have lived with my boyfriend for 4 years, and a 1.5 years in, he kept his disease hidden. I must have met him during a dry moment. If anything, I was the drinker, enjoyed a glass of wine with friends. But as time progressed, boyfriend started drinking and it has become a real problem. Myself, I don’t feel like having a glass of wine around him, as I like to keep my wits about me and the alcoholic loves to test your boundaries, patience, and pull you into their insanity if you let them. I attend al-anon meetings which are very helpful and give me tools to deal with this difficult situation. He is in stage 2 of his disease, and at times can be verbally abusive and try to cause an argument and threaten to throw me out, or say that I’m aggressive… you name it. Thing I’ve learned, they really don’t like themselves, and when he gets like this, sometimes I leave the room, and if this doesn’t work, I will leave the house for most the day. They next day, alcoholic acts like nothing is wrong, and will I hear an apology… don’t hole your breath! With their addiction, they are in a thick wall of denial that you cannot penetrate. And believe me, I have tried all the talks in the world, and nothing works. I try to focus on myself and use my tools every day! Trust me, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t. You will find your way, pray to your Higher Power for guidance.
Please, all…don’t forget about me. I am @work right now @ cannot write much but know that I am currently living w/my sister as I had 2 run out of MY home because of my alcoholic/abusive EX…Please, pray for me & my family. I am scared for all of us. I am so worried that I will bring some kind of disaster to her home. I haven’t any friends & my sister is all I have. I feel so alone. Your words are appreciated & welcomed. Eternally.
Please, all…don’t forget about me. I am @work right now @ cannot write much but know that I am currently living w/my sister as I had 2 run out of MY home because of my alcoholic/abusive EX…Please, pray for me & my family. I am scared for all of us. I am so worried that I will bring some kind of disaster to her home. I haven’t any friends & my sister is all I have. I feel so alone. Your words are appreciated & welcomed. Eternally. Thank u.
Heaven, You are in my prayers. If your sister is willing to help, accept it. And don’t feel guilty just feel grateful. And if he is violent or abusive yes you must be diligent. Make sure doors are locked and watch before answering the door. I am in the same position as you and i had to call the police several times because of his harrassment. Finally we were able to get a protection order and he has stoppped harassing us by phone or showing up at the hosue but in reality i am still being cautious because i don’t trust him and i know he feels we owe him and that he “owns” us. He is a classic abuser in that he feels entitled to me and the kids no matter how he has treated us our whole lives. We are nothing but possessions to him. I also found out he was on drugs and things i did not know about so it is a very scary situation. If you have any evidence of abuse or threats please get a protection order. it may be enough to make him think twice about starting trouble. I know my exah is afraid of going back to jail so teh protection order will hold him off unless he gets intoxicated to the point where he does not care anymore.
Here’s a bit of lightheartedness…, you all pour your hearts out on this site until I feel like I know you on some level. And that’s not all. I’ve noticed as I go about my day, it’s like you’re with me in my house, in my car; I feel like the Army of One! It’s nice, although a bit crazy perhaps. Support, that’s what I’m talking about. Am I alone in this? What’s the song, “Wind Beneath My Wings”? Thanks JC for having us. Karen
I agree Karen2. thank God for this site and others. We may disagree on some of the technicalities, But we still encourage and help each other which is wonderful.
Also, Our friends and family get sick of hearing about it all the time, but we can always come here! 🙂
Heaven – I can totally relate to what you are going too . . the extend of my AH’s disease hit me a little over a year ago when I had to have him arrested for domestic violence while drunk . . we had an awful year but he quit drinking – a month ago, he had a binge and got a DUI, lost his Commercial license and job since he was a truck driver – that in itself is horrible; but in a weird way it may have been a blessing . . I “think” . . “think” he may have finally hit bottom . . only time will tell . . but I know he is still lying occasionally and he still gets verbally abusive on occasion . . but I have learned to set boundaries, walk away, telling him his behavior is unacceptable, and it seems to be working much of the time – we are in marriage counseling which is helping too – but I know the crazy feeling you are having oh too well and there are no guarantees – you are the only one you can control, you can’t control your AB, focus on you and put him in God’s hands. My heart goes out to you . . living with an alcoholic is exhausting and mind numbing . . just remember, you always have a choice . . God Bless . .
I have dated an alcoholic for ten months, In that time she has had two relapses and attended a rehab-facility once. I left her yesterday, sadly I feel terrible because I again feel responsible for her fall. This is far from the truth. I don’t drink, I have been to meeting with her, supported her accomplishments and created a very safe environment for her and her son. It is a sad situation to see someone who is beautiful, articulate, maternal yet a ‘Mess” all in one. The coping skills that she has in dealing with situations are poor and underdeveloped. In attending meetings and having conversations with so called “counselors’, I realize that these counselors are slightly more advanced then the “broken addicts”. Most if not all are “recovering. ” They have developed self preservation skills,but clearly not a remedy or a permanent solution for Alcoholics or addicts who attend rehab or meetings. Manipulation, lying, and enabling are all present and regardless of how safe a haven she has been in and after ten months of being her biggest fan, I am left with a broken heart, frustration, and a sense of failure. I also acquired a “self preservation skill” I left because I am destroying myself trying to save her. This is not a disease to me, it is a mis -diagnosis. Their is a need for Therapy on a continuous basis, coping skills most often don’t exist, the twelve steps and rehab unfortunately are view as badges of honor in society today. We can thank social media, and entitled celebrity icons for this. What a waste of a beautiful girl. 🙁
Hi Rob, Sorry to hear your story. You sound like a nice guy, smart as well. Glad you found your way to this site.
Read all the posts.
This stuff isn’t made up.
Best wishes sent your way.
I feel for those of you have been dealing with this for much longer than myself. I have searched the internet, read blogs, help pages etc and this is the first time I am posting anything. As with my alcoholic boyfriend, I am isolated and hiding this problem from everyone close to me. I feel like I can keep forgiving him and move forward if nobody knows and is holding me accountable to get away from him. I feel like I’m losing my mind. My boyfriend of over 2 years IS an alcoholic. He is 12 years older than me and has many years of non-stop drinking under his belt. Has survived a 20 year marriage with problems, kids, owning a business etc, so definately high functioning. I have been close to people who have dealt with alcoholism and so from the first time we got together for drinks, red flags went up. Admitting that to myself is very hard and painful. I had just gotten out of a 15 yr bad marriage that started right out of high school and even though I said I wouldn’t get into a relationship any time soon, of course, we built a friendship for several months then it progressed into a relationship. The crazy thing is that as long as he is sober, he treats me like a princess, he adores me and is more attentive than any man in my life has ever been. I didn’t realize how weak I was to needing that until I found myself with an alcoholic and feeling trapped. He is a monster when he drinks, he becomes combative, defensive, mean spirited, wreckless and one time..violent! He can go periods with no drinking to prove a point I guess, but when he does revert back, its not just a few beers, he binge drinks for DAYS at a time (6-14 days). Talking any sense into him once one drop goes in is useless as most of you know, its lies and excuses and apologizing and hateful words and blame etc. I have told him I was done several times, then forgave him, helped him through seeing doctors (rehab) medication etc. and this last time he went 6 months and did it again. He is in complete denial of the problem. I finally told him I am done this time and he can’t accept that. I let him move in with me last year (HUGE MISTAKE) and now I am scared I won’t be able to get him out of my house. I have 3 kids who live with me from my first marriage and they don’t deserve this garbage in their lives. I don’t know if I feel guilty about putting him out or if I’m just sad because I realize that at his age and with his stubborness he will likely never change and will die this way. I have to think about me and my children first. Every time he binges, he begs for “one more chance” and makes it out to be just a bad couple of days. Do they really not comprehend the anxiety we live with inbetween episodes and the constant fear of anything and everything that could cause them to fail..always walking on eggshells and coddling their emotions even when ours are put on the back burner just to make sure they don’t have a reason to drink???? I sit here typing and still can’t believe the situation I have gotten myself into. I thought I was smarter than this, but the need to be loved is apparently more powerful than I wanted to believe. I’m a sucker I guess?? I can’t live like this anymore, its tearing me apart and making me crazy. I’m turning back into that bitter angry person I was before getting a divorce. I know this is going nowhere long term because I won’t even let him help pay my bills for fear that I will become financially dependent and trapped. I won’t buy a house with him and even though he talks about marrying me, I know in my heart I would not marry him because of the recurring drinking problem. So I realize its time to cut my losses but it hurts like hell. I love him enough that if it weren’t for my kids, I could probably stick around and try to help him longer, but my kids didn’t sign on for that and they have seen enough! I feel like a horrible mother already! Thanks to everyone who posts on here because it has been so very helpful. It felt nice just to type all that and get it out.. I just need to get through getting him out of my house and close this chapter of my life.
Ann, you can do this – you can get him out of your house. It won’t be fun and it won’t be pleasant, but it can be done. It must be done. If it were only you, that would be one thing, but you can’t keep volunteering your kids’ lives to be put on hold and for them and you to walk on eggshells. You don’t have the right to do that to them. I’ve been where you are, but without the kids. Mine are grown, and didn’t care for the drunk in my life. After 5 years, I called it quits 2 years ago next month. It was hard to tell him and it was hard to live through, but I DID live through it, and you will too. Go with what your gut’s been telling you – that you’re back to being a bitter, angry woman because of living with the tension and you don’t like it, that you wouldn’t marry this guy on a bet knowing what you know now, and your gut’s telling you to get the h*ll out of there. Do whatever it takes to get ready to throw him out – line up a locksmith, get a friend/family member to change the locks, whatever it takes. Then just do it. You’re not the first woman he’s treated like this and you won’t be the last. Drunks are masters of finding someone to take care of them, to deal with the day-to-day business of life, so that they can keep on drinking and doing whatever they please with no consequences.
Here’s a thought that may help you hang on. Can you see yourself living like you do now for another year? Another two years? Another five or ten? Okay, if your answer is no, then what are you doing about changing the story? We only get one life. How much more of it are you willing to waste on a drunk? It’s going to hurt. Accept it, take a deep breath and then do something to get you to a better place. He’ll certainly get angry and blame you and beg you and promise you the world – but it’s only talk, it means nothing. The most painful part of dealing with a drunk is knowing how little we mean to them. We’re convenient and handy to have around and we take care of things and, and, and… Hey, I finally realized that my vacuum cleaner has the same characteristics and I believe I’m worth way more than being treated like an appliance. Somehow in dealing with a drunk -and they are charming – we lose sight of what our actual place in their lives is. We’re convenient.
You’re in my thoughts.
Thanks Sally! You sound like you know exactly what you are talking about! I have had him move out and explained why, although I know in my heart that even if he wanted to, he will NEVER understand the position I am in and all the feelings associated with it. He is upset, charming, making promises, begging etc., but I told him I have no trust left where this problem is concerned and without trust, how long can any relationship last?? His family and mutual friends are aware of the situation at this point and all of them take my side without question. While I don’t need anyone on my “side”, it helps to know I have support. If he follows through with getting help, I have no problem being his friend at some point but it was just time to end my personal nightmare and protect my home and family. By ending it now, as much as I want to believe he loves me as much as he says, I know that after a while of me not giving in on my decision he will probably get sick of begging and find another “caretaker”, but so be it because I need some peace in my life without all that constant worry and anxiety. Thanks again for replying to my post, it helped more than you know!!
Umm… A lying, alcoholic husband and a recovering (21 years) wife. Sorry. He’s ruining my business, my life, my adult children’s life, his children’s and grandchildren’s lives, his parent’s lives…. And all of this happened….after I put my house in our name. Some tigers never change their stripes.
Did I mention that I am without a clue how to proceed? I tried the “if your going to get drunk, so am I”… Not a good idea. I tried going back to AA. I’ve disabled and hidden credit cards. And I’ve covered for him for his family. I know. Bad. But they know. I feel so stupid.
* you’re * And, yes, anal is the least of my labels.
Tricia,I hope you had a Merry Christmas despite your situation. I feel for you. When you say you are without a clue on how to proceed, I would say to make a list of how you want your life to be and then a list of how to make those changes. Remember though that the way to change is only through you. You cannot make your ah change. It will be his choice. If you cannot make these changes with him in your life then you will have to consider leaving or live like you are now for the rest of your life. There is lots of good advice on how to change our behaviors on ths site as well as http://www.empoweredrecovery.com. Maybe take some time to learn about your situation and how alcoholism affects the whole family and then start deciding how you want to live the rest of your life. Take care and i know how you feel I have been there. However, knowledge of what was really going on and taking a step back to see my life without the emotional baggage confusing me really helped me to make decisions on how i could change things to make a better life for me and the children. God Bless and keep posting if you have questions or need to vent.
I am with someone who accuses me everytime I go out I have an affair. He alcholic of 18 plus years. Accused me of having his tablets. Just so he decides he can’t trust me. Tells me im a liar constantly even though he hides drink lies to his parents who put him through rehab. He is insecure I try and reassure him ignore the stupid accusations. He says he wants to finally kick the drink. But he can’t trust me turning things round my Brother tells me ignore it its the drink talking. But it got to much I was prepared to leave him and will do I’m not allowed to use my phone internet as accused of texting men
I don’t see my friends anymore as he asks what we talk about and says can’t you keep you’re big mouth shut. Swears at me tries to put me down. I have done nothing but love him make sure he takes his tablets. Get food in as all his priority is drink and cigs. I am going through menopause and think if he doesn’t come of drink I’m gone. You can’t change a person unless they want to change but think there is a whole lot more issues low self esteem. He is virtually a recluse just goes out to get his drink and cigarettes. His parents can’t deal with him and I feel left to deal with him and much more dragging me down I can’t sleep. This has got to be it of the drink. Bur constantly accused of something I don’t do. Got to change or its bye bye. I think I know the answer I need to go. It’s sad he was by all means a great guy. But better alone if everything doesn’t change.
Qwen listen to your own advice as you said “I need to go”. I think you have already decided that change is needed in your life. This is not a way to live and not a healthy relationship. IT is a big step to make changes in your life but they will be worth it no matter how difficult. My advice as i was in a marriage where my husband accused me of cheating all the time. Funny because i was always home with the children or at work and he was always out partying or doing who knows what sometimes not coming home for a couple of days. Yet i was the one accused of cheating? Really it makes no sense because it is not sensible; it is a way of controlling you. Please do not base your future on whether or not he changes but change yourself and decide not to put up with his treatment. Which means not allowing his accusations to control you. Go ahead and have friends and do the things you enjoy and if he does not like it maybe you need to decide whether the relationship is something you really want. I suggest going to empoweredrecovery.com and checking it out. Much advice there from people who have been in or are in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic. Take care and God Bless!
I appreciate, lead to I discovered exactly what I was having a look for.
You have ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man.
Have a great day. Bye
Wow these posts came at me today lake a raging bull – my husband has been sober about 6 months again . . but he falls into the category of “dry drunk” and he’s not in AA; he is still a big child – lies to me all the time when the truth would be even easier, it’s just a habitual habit with him – and he accuses me all the time still of being “up to something” even when I check my email, he is so twisted he thinks I’m dumb enough to talk to old boyfriends online right in front of him; and by dumb I mean since he has been physically abusive in the past and is still verbally abusive occasionally . . I have been grappling with whether to leave him or not; I don’t want to divorce and start over; but is it ever going to change is the BIG question . . he brings nothing to me really in the relationship, we are complete opposites in what we enjoy doing, our out look on life in general AND OUR MORALS . . one of the reasons I’m still here which may seem insane to many of you . . is his dogs . . he has 2 Chihuahuas that I adore, they ARE my babies . . and the thought of walking away and leaving them with him is almost too much to bear . . plus I know he will go insane if I leave and OMG the drama that will go on . . I get ill thinking about it . . he’s 54 going on 5 . . and can not deal with anything like an adult . . this all being said, I’m now thinking about relocating back to my home State – I hate my job, there is nothing for me where I’m living and I really want to be closer to my family . . problem is . . he wants to come along . . and I tempted to let him just for the help with the move across a number of states . . but my morals are telling me I can’t do that, take him away from his family . . and then dump him . . . between the stress of my job, dealing with my RAH, and my 89 year old mother living with me and I’m her primary caregiver . . it’s just getting to be too much for me to handle . . and mentally I’m at a point where I can’t seem to make a decision as I’m too afraid of making things even worse . . . anyway, God bless you all . . and thanks for lending an ear . .
Sandy, You might want to read up on borderline
personality. You would have to read and decide…you know your husband better. Just sounds like the personality type (under the A).
Remember, if you stay with him and it stays the same, then you don’t have a chance to have anything different. Easier said than done, but, we only get one life time.
Hi Nancy – thank you for the suggestion, I’m afraid I’m one step ahead of you . . I’ve read a lot about BPD and yes he exhibits many of those symptoms; he’s also a classic narcissist as well as passive aggressive – and the icing on the cake is I think after 30 years of drinking before stopping he’s also diabetic and has major blood sugar problems which are really screwing with his personality and behavior as well – it all seems so overwhelming and just plain too much . . he isn’t drinking but OMG . . he’s still incredibly angry, unreasonable and mean at times . . and I keep thinking what you said too . . I only have one life . . I’m praying a lot and trying to find the strength to make the right choice . . but yes it is easier said than done . . for sure . .
Update I have finished with the Guy moved out. I have my friends back and my life. But wont stop pursuing me. Just constant if I ignore nasty texts and calls. If I respond tried been friendly then gets nasty. I have told him directly I am done nothing more to say. But some things I will deal with and if it means changing my number I will. My friends say look years younger I am keeping fit and looking after myself. For those in a similar situation get out you have to for your own sanity. Life is to precious to waste on someone who cant value us. GET OUT MOVE ON… LET THEM SUFFER THEIR CHOICE…..
ANGEL BLESSINGS XXXX
My brother recommended I might like this web site.
He was entirely right. This post actually made my day. You
can not imagine just how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!
Greetings! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are
you using for this site? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had issues with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform.
I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
Lies. That’s what brought me to this blog. I smell the alcohol on his breath. He knows he can’t hide it. But I keep hearing “Cut it out” which is his litany when he is drinking and I ask. Last time, Memorial Day, I asked and he actually was honest and said yes he drank, and showed me the bottle. No today, this time. So sad. I was gentle and gave him a bath and laid him in bed. Then took his money, credit cards, his teeth (his partial, y’all), keys and had to write down where I put it all (because I’ve forgotten in the past). I’m supposed to go to a 2nd job tomorrow, but I don’t want to come home to the carnage if there’s a bottle hidden somewhere, so I’m thinking of not going. For a half year I’ve been preparing the home to sell so that I can disentangle myself financially. I live in a low income rural area, and am older, so it’ll be hard to leave, reestablish. I have friends who are aware but none have come forward to take me in. I don’t have a place to go therefore. Furthermore it would be harder to get the house sold as I can’t get it to code. Lies suck. They hurt. I just want the truth. I know he doesn’t want to do this, and I feel for that pain.
Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thanks, However I am encountering problems with your RSS.
I don’t understand the reason why I can’t join it.
Is there anybody getting the same RSS problems? Anybody
who knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanx!!
I have the unfortunate pleasure of having a family of alcoholics and lucky me being the only one who doesn’t drink. The lies get multiplied 10 full when they all get together and start telling “stories” that get more and more twisted over time these lies get confused and become their reality, where of course they are the “good guy” and everyone else takes advantage of these poor souls. Telling the truth that is clear in my unaltered memory is just a foolish attempt and impossible because now its a group lie and people who dont understand how an alcoholic alters the reality of their perception. I have become the focus point of this hatred of skewed perception. It is so bad that these people now believe that i owe them everything, my house,car, my wife and kids everything i have achieved in my life i somehow stole or owe these unemployed people. The absolute worse part is how other people actually believe it because its 4 alcoholic lies against me.
God bless you Doug! I haven’t been on this support site for awhile but, still read some posts here. I dealt with one, can’t imagine a whole family of A’s. Just remember they are deluding themselves. Thank God you have your own family ( wife & kids) to keep you grounded. Must be hard to have to alienate your whole family cause they are drunks. You owe them nothing. Take care of yourself and your wife & kids and protect your assets!
I left in July but decided to have a good attitude – and the payoff is miracle gifts from the universe. A place to stay; people helping me; food; employment; strangers who accept my love; an estranged sister from a state away from me showed up next door not knowing I was her as she attended an event in my town!; another sister who gets me said she would live with me in the event of her husband’s demise. But my alcoholic husband is suffering – 4 days in a row now, and many in the past 2 -5 months too – but can’t face his lies (he has recently taken to hiding money too). I never ever thought I’d file for divorce (maybe live separately) but I have the paperwork here. He signed it, but it’s hardly legible!
Really appreciate you sharing this article post.Much thanks again. Much obliged.
my son has been drinking for years now and his wife asked to leave. He now lives with us since he got out of rehab. He is was unable to maintain his sobriety. He lies to us and tells us he is not drinking, but we have found his alcohol and he at times will admit he is drunk. I don’t know what to do at this point. Any suggestions?
Hi J.C.,
I would love to have a cup of coffee. That was so sweet! As for your bucket list….. Mine includes Yosemite, Grand Canyon, walks along the Pacific Ocean, exploring the great Pacific Northwest with my Golden Retreivers and being with my two wonderful sons. We have all been through a lot and are going through some VERY challenging times that seem to never end. I do not know where this voyage is taking me. I am 3/4 of the way there. One day at a time. It was a gorgeous fall weekend here in the Midwest. I said to my AH, ” I sure hope Heaven is like this”. He said ” it will be for you”, and walked away. What a lonely individual.I can’t help him. I will not.
So, J.C., I was remembering what my Father’s Pastor always said at the end of the Mass. Let us be thankful, for this is a day the Lord hath made. And now, after all this , I try to give it my best and leave all the toxic crap at the door. Go find the people who are willing to love you, for there, is true happiness. To All- have a great tomorrow. Always Denise
It’s 4 am where I’m at. My husband and I have been married for 19 years in February and known each for almost 23. I really truly do love him. He admits when he has fallen off the wagon. I am so sick of the broken promises and broken tomorrow’s. I gave him an ultimatum to get and stay sober or you can leave. I didn’t tell him that you can come back when you get into a program to get and stay sober. I do have the guts to follow thru on my threat. Today we had an appointment with his psychologist. Omg, he said that he’s not an alcoholic that he just has a drinking problem, even though I have heard him tell me and others he can’t stop drinking. Okay, he then has the audacity to say that he wants to become a responsible drinker. I called him out on it. I flat out told him that no, you can’t ever drink again. When the time is right I will tell him my threat is non ending and will ask him to describe get and stay sober mean??? His problem is, he tries to minimize things to make himself sound better. I don’t understand why not just own up to it. You are here to get help and to get help you have to be brutally honest. I hope i don’t have to throw him out. I love my husband so much that I’m willing to risk everything I know to help save him. I also know i can’t do it for him. He has to do it.
Hi Kelly – my thoughts will be with you today; my husband is very much like yours, in fact I think most alcoholics are unfortunately. Mine won’t own up to what he’s done and how alcohol has ruined his life even after I’ve put him in jail for abuse 3 times . . and yea . . like a dummy I’m giving him another chance . . I don’t think he’s drinking right now, he’s in anger management classes and AA once a week . . but he’s not committed to getting better . . he’s only going through the motions because it’s court ordered and wife ordered . . now that he’s not drinking he says he isn’t an alcoholic . . and I raise the roof everytime he says that because he knows better . . HE KNOWS BETTER . . I had a very bad night with him last night; even though he’s off the sauce . . the 30 years of alcoholic mean angry abusive behaviors he learned are still there . . and he still can turn into an emotionally and verbally abusive man . . and the horrible thing is my elderly mother lives with us . . and he verbally abuses her . . she’s 90 with COPD and a bad heart . . this morning I can honestly say I hate him . . the love I have felt for him is dwindling because even though he’s not drinking . . he’s still a monster that lacks compassion, respect, love, honesty . . you name it . . I’m not sure if he has a good quality . . I can’t think of one right now . . and now . . 2015 . . I’m back to thinking and starting a plan to get away from him again . . only been with him 6 years but I’m in my 50’s and that’s long enough . . he does not deserve my loyalty . . or love . . God will help us do what we need to do . . take care . .
Hello, it’s been a few months since I have posted. I guess I became too crippled and then my husband went to treatment for two months. I actually thought things would get better and the madness and insanity would stop! I thought I was actually going to be normal again, I was wrong… Dead wrong.
3 weeks after my husband returned homed he relapsed, on Christmas! I again fear holidays, birthdays sport events, weekends…. How about just everyday he walks out the door! My husband is a nasty, mean inconsiderate foul mouthed drunk that tends to wear alcohol for cologne! :(.
He’s started to go out and stay out all night again! When I went through this nightmare the first time my 6 month was just born. Here we are again. I realize that I’m emotionally and mentally sick! I’m trying to learn how to detach but his actions are destroying me! I’m still in love with my husband but I’m feeling like I need to leave him but I don’t know how. To give an example of my husbands behavior, he came home drunk one night around 3am! I heard loud talking and our balcony door being thrown open…. He was literally screaming at some guy that was walking in the parking lot! Mind you, our six month old is sleeping and it’s 3am. I get out of the bed because I was scared by the noise and he is claiming that he had been sitting in the parking lot listening to his music and this guy comes out the blue and tells him to turn down the music because he is having a party!?? Sounds like some drunk mess to me! Anyway, I had to literally pull him off the balcony 3 times to keep the peace and to keep the neighbors from calling the cops!!! My husband actually thinks he was in the right! I’m sick of it! Another episode is when we went out to do household shopping. Yes, I actually still just wanted to spend time with my husband even though he was still drunk from the night before and had been drinking all morning. We parked and before we went into the store he decided that he would go to the gas station for two miniature wines!!!! As we are leaving I notice he has stolen a bottle… How did I notice. Well, I only see him pay for one and that was the one he was turning up in the parking lot! I spotted the other hanging out of his pocket!!! Ok, please a little insight on this please! Does addiction make a grown person steal for fun? Anyway, I made him go back and pay for it!!! I mean ridiculous! My husband is 52 years old and marine veteran. We have plenty money to buy miniature wine! What was the point? I still don’t get it… I’m also tired of the I’m sorry and the I don’t know what to do excuse….. I’m tired of hearing I’ve been this way for so long I really am trying spill!!! I want to continue to be supportive but it’s exhausting…. Please don’t judge me but I don’t have the energy to take a shower daily, barely care to brush my teeth and I don’t like going anywhere because I’m stuck mentally, look a mess and sleep deprived from my alcoholic husband staying out all night and caring for a six month old that is teething!!!! I’m struggling to lose my pregnancy weight and my sex drive has dried up due to the fact that my husband no longer pursues me and I can’t stand him when he’s drinking, plus I think he’s cheating on me and no longer finds me attractive! I don’t blame him, but I’m a product of his addiction. While he’s out having fun, and accidentally calling home to have me saying hello to loud background music and spending money we don’t have! We have separate accounts but I have access to his account and a debut card. I still manage his finances somewhat and I’ve seen receipts where he has withdrawn a hundred dollars at 11pm from some bar ATM!!! I’m just sick of it… And what really gets to me. When he gets home drunk he’s talking loud wanting to see his baby!! In his drunk tone!!! So, of course I go into protective mode and tell him no!! He then thinks I’m trying to keep his baby from him… At 3am while he’s drunk!! Yes.. I am doing that!!!! I’m just tired! He comes treating me like the enemy and like I ruined his night because he came home? Please…. If anyone can help with advice or share similar experiences would really help… I’m trying to learn how to detach but I’m an emotional wreck!! I’m praying and praying but you know it’s hard going through in the moment.
Tonight I caught Roland drinking and told him out pointing to the door. I don’t exactly know where he is, but is at one of two places. When he left I told him he can come back home when he is ready to get and stay sober. Never drinking again. I made the mistake of letting him take the atm card. I’m going back to get it. May take the money out and open up my own account with it. Leave just enough to keep it active. I didn’t want to do what I did tonight. When I gave him the ultimatum he obviously didn’t believe me. He now knows I do. He has an appointment on Wednesday with his psychologist and I’m going to be there with him. To make sure everyone knows where I am coming from. I can’t do the broken promises and broken tomorrow’s anymore. Everyone in my life was shocked I did it. If he wants to be with us, he will do it sober and I won’t settle for anything less.
Patricia and Kelly . . my heart and prayers go out to you both . . you know what is so unbelievable to me . . #1 life is so grey in most areas . . but man, an alcoholics behavior be it sober or drunk is sooooooooo predictable it’s scary . . they are ALL the same . . they are self absorbed, angry and they lie like there is no tomorrow . . and sneaky . . OMG . . as I mentioned in my prior post, my AH is sober . . but only in the sense he’s not drinking . . but his behavior has improved maybe 10% is all . . he is so inconsiderate and disrespectful . . and not just with me . . with everyone . . and I seem to be the only person ever in his life to have pointed this out to him . . his parents have always just handed him money and looked the other way; even though they created a huge part of his problem in his youth by being so physically abusive he had to run away from home at the age of 15 . . that being said . . I’m trying so hard to let go and not care . . and just worry about my, my mom, and my pets . . I don’t know how some of you deal with this having children . . can’t imagine what that is like . . I do believe God is “trying” to work in my AH . . but only God knows where this will go . . I’m tired of living on the edge too!!
I love my husband when he’s sober. He is sweet, kind, caring, all the wonderful things he is. When drunk he’s not mean, nasty, abusive, or anything like that. He normally tells me the truth when asked point blank. I am one of the lucky few. I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon and I need to come up with a plan.
Hi Kelly – it’s hard to picture someone being married to an alcoholic being lucky in anyway . . but if he is not a mean alcoholic and is peaceful . . yup you are lucky . . if my AH drinks bourbon . . he is a monster . . and even now sober, all those old horrible behaviors from his childhood and through his 30+ years of drinking; are still there . . the only difference is that when he’s horrible to me . . a few hours later he’ll realize what he’s done and will apologize . . whereas when he’s drunk he couldn’t give a rip . . but still the apologies are getting very old and tiresome when he just turns around and does the same thing the next day . .
Hes a Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde and im sick of his disease
Well . . here I am back today . . beaten down . . disappointed . . frustrated . . angry . . my RAH relapsed Friday night . . BAD . . not only did he get $hitfaced black out drunk – which is what I came home to after work – he passed out naked on the floor, peed on our bedroom carpet . . then started to sober up and go mean and eventually punched me in the stomach . . then right to my face lies and says he didn’t do any of it . . and that’ he’s not drunk . . I was floored, shocked, stuppified . . and hurt . . everything was going better . . looking up . . still some issues . . but finances were looking up, we were actually starting to make plans for the future again . . and he Ef’s it up again . . why do they do that . . the minute things get better they screw up and take the whole scenario back to step one . . no I hate him again, despise him, don’t trust him, want to slap him and tell him to snap out of it . . why after almost 7 months of sobriety . . why would he do this?? I’m so overwhelmed . . just need some peace in my life .. .
Sandy –
GET. OUT. NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW. STOP trying to figure out why the hell a drunk does what he or she does. To try to figure it out is to get on a train to Nutsville and Crazy Town. He HIT you. Enough. Been there, done that and got the hell out after 5 years. A black out drunk denies everything because he doesn’t remember. Because he doesn’t remember, he thinks you shouldn’t either, and regardless what he did, you’re supposed to forgive, because after all, he doesn’t remember so in his mind there’s nothing TO forgive. Forget forgiveness. Toss that crap in the trash and get the hell out of there. I don’t care what your circumstances may be, this is bad and will NEVER get any better long-term. Quit fooling yourself that there’s hope. Drunks’ brains aren’t like ours. They don’t think straight because they can’t. Yes, you’re hurt and yes, you’re angry and yes, you feel hopeless. Figure it out. Drunks don’t change. Estimates are that 75% of lifelong drunks NEVER get treatment and of the 25% that do, a very tiny percentage STAY sober. Trick is, you can love many people in your life, but you don’t have to live with any of them. You stay, you’re literally asking to keep being treated like sh*t. Sorry that’s the way it is, but sorry doesn’t fix a damn thing.
Thank you Sally for your “in my face” honesty . . some people don’t appreciate that but I do . . because I need to keep hearing what you said over and over . . I’m a sucker and I give in easy and then I regret it . . and then I do it again . . it’s a horrible cycle and I hate myself for it . . if it was just me . . I’d haul ass and get out tomorrow .. but my 90 year old mother who is on oxygen 24 hours a day lives with me and I have 4 pets that I can’t leave with him . . so I’m working out a plan . . and when I leave he cannot say he didn’t know it was coming as I’ve given him plenty of warning . . he needs me . . I DON’T NEED HIM AT ALL . . if I put our marriage into percentages . . 90% misery . . 10% fair/ok . . no happy . . no love . . no intimacy . . he’s not capable of any of it . . and they occasionally he has the gual to push for sex . . are you fricking kidding me . . and in that area I pat myself on the back . . I have NEVER given in to him in the bedroom . . NEVER . . I know I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror after . . . I am getting my Plan A together; need to get some money in pocket and then off I go . . . he’s gonna be walking down the road sounding like Bugs Bunny . . ba-dee ba-dee ba-dee what happened folks?