Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying? There lips are moving. Coping (dealing) with the lying nature of the problem drinker is better done through accepting the fact that lies are a way of life for the substance abuser. They really have a problem with being truthful about anything.

Why do they lie so much? Let’s face it, they are living in a world of denial and if we get honest enough with ourselves, we will realize that we are living in denial as well. It’s really not important to understand why they do this, just accept the fact and leave them alone when they do it.

The sooner you can accept that lying is a part of the alcoholic’s lifestyle the better you will be able to cope. Dealing with someone who is not telling the truth is frustrating because it causes us to want to argue with them about not telling the truth.

Just learn how to zip your lip.

When we stop confronting them then there will be a lot less finger pointing going on. There is great freedom to be enjoyed once we stop judging an alcoholic.

When we learn that we do not have to try and prove to them that we know they are telling us a lie, then our frustration level will go down. This will help us to also stop blaming an alcoholic for much of our stress.

What is the point of confronting an alcoholic who is lying anyway? You know they are just going to deny the truth and stand up for the false reality that they perceive to be truth. Alcoholic liars come in every shape from a teenage son, daughter, spouse, mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather.

The reason they lie so much is because alcoholics are filled with shame. Have you ever known someone who when they were a child said they wanted to be an alcoholic when the grow up? Of course not, no one sets a goal to be addicted to some type of drug or substance. The alcoholic thinks and feels as though “they” are a mistake. For that reason they will lie about countless matters.

Unfortunately, lying is a comfortable way of life for the alcoholic. The best way of coping (or, dealing) with this problem is to just accept the truth and let them tell their lies without you pretending to be the private investigator who knows what really happened.

Trust me… When you start letting go of all the things they are doing, you will start losing your temper with an alcoholic less.

Just let them live their dysfunctional life and you enjoy yours without the additional fight for the day.
Author: JC Edited by: Odum On

Alcohol Addiction Family

How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic

480 comments to Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

  • Sally

    Sandy, I hear you. It will be 4 years ago this April that I started making my plans to leave the drunk I love. It took until mid-January before I was able to pull the trigger and make it all happen. Do what you need to, but don’t waver. Drunks live in an alternate universe and they’re quite comfortable there. If you need reinforcement from time to time, I’m here for you. There is a better life waiting for you, but he can’t be a part of it. Don’t give him any more warnings. He doesn’t believe it’ll happen, because he doesn’t want to. Wish I could be there to lend a hand. I can pack like nobody’s business. 😉 You’ll be in my thoughts. Stay the course.

  • Sandy

    Hi Sally – you said something that totally wrang true to me . . I’ve been giving him warning after warning . . consequence he’ll face blah blah and I haven’t had the courage to do 50% of it . . . from now on . . my lips are sealed, I told him the balls in his court and his life is what he choses to make of it . . he just got a job as a long haul trucker; I’ll have time to get things together and figure things out . . one of these days when he’s of in another State; I’ll be ready to pack up and move out . . he’ll come home to a 1/2 empty house . . and I’ll get an attorney to deal with him so he won’t need to know my address or phone number . . once I leave him . . I never want to see him again . . THAT MUCH I DO KNOW . .

  • Sally

    Hi, Sandy – Oh, girl, do I know how that goes. I never gave my drunk any warnings, but I did tell him a couple of times that even I have my limits. Easter Sunday, 2011 – he and his son proceeded to get drunk and mix it with Xanax, then almost got into a fist fight – with their children and grandchildren present. I had the mommas hustle the kids out before they were much aware of what was going on while another couple of family males kept the two from actually hitting each other, and that, for me, was the end. I swore I wouldn’t endure another family holiday to be ruined by my drunk and his behavior – or the behavior of his son, the drinking buddy my drunk raised to BE his drinking buddy. *sigh* I didn’t promise him I’d leave if…but I did promise me I’d leave as soon as I could. Like you, I had no interest in seeing him, though I am close to his daughters, and even his ex- wife. 😉 No idea where he is or what he’s doing and won’t let myself care.

    Like I said, we can love so very many people in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that we like them or that we can live with them. Stay the course, babe. I’ll be thinking about you.

  • Hello,

    I read the post from Sally and Sandy and I can relate whole heartedly. I CAN say that my AH hasn’t physically abused me but the verbal and emotional abuse along with the constant lies and manipulation feels just as bad. Sometimes I wonder if it’s harder to recover from the emotional scars and constant reopened mental wounds than the physical scars. I do not condone physical abuse ONE BIT and I think any man or woman that uses his/her alcoholism as an excuse to inflict harm is lower than low. My husband too has relapsed as of this past Christmas after doing 2 months in inpatient rehab. It took him 2 1/2 weeks before he was back on his “high horse.” My anxiety has returned and once again I feel emotionally crippled and foolish for believing that life was actually going to get better. I have a 7 month old baby girl that I am trying to be strong for and I hate that I can’t seem to mustard up the courage to really leave and not care or worry about how much money I have or if he will turn around and replace me with a female version of himself… My self esteem has suffered greatly from his behavior and I am truly lost for words. I know I need to get help because I am stuck in a co-dependent role and I believe I am enabling him indirectly I just don’t know how… He goes out and stays all night, doesn’t call home to see if me and the baby are ok. I don’t call him anymore because I feel like he has me trained to not call him. He never answers when I call when he is out drinking anyway. Another thing I have learned about my husband and alcoholism is that he is very patient, he can go days without drinking, usually because he drank so much I think he just gets too sick to drink so he will dry out for a week, especially if I start to tell him how close I am to leaving. He just plays the game with me, making feel as if he is really going to do something different. He plays the “I’m going to the VA on Tuesday to get help.” Oh, it sounds good and he really acts as if he is really concerned that I am a hair away from leaving. Well, after drying up for a week and staying home he finally found a reason to leave… Reason- “My car didn’t start up right away, I think I need to drive it around for about a half hour to help it regain the charge.” Ok, granted his car sat for 7 days its been cold and it has trouble starting afterwards but I was not born yesterday and the lie he told was I will be back within the hour. It was 3:30 when he left, I told him dinner would be ready by 7 and he say’s oh I will be back waaaaay before then… YEAH RIGHT! Which is why I mentioned the time dinner would be ready. I knew he wasn’t coming right back. I love my husband and I believe he loves me but I hate how he manipulates me and when he thinks I have forgiven him for the horrible traumatic disrespectful behavior he turns around and slaps me in the face with doing what he was soooo sorry for all over again… I am tired tired tired! I don’t have the energy to do anything for myself let alone the motivation. I take care of the baby make sure she is clean happy and fed and that’s all I can do. I still even make love to my husband and please him without him even asking and I am beginning to feel more and more like a fool each day. I barely brush my teeth anymore, I don’t take baths like I used too, I shower a few times a week(please don’t judge me I have been through a lot)I don’t go anywhere except to the store or to visit with my mother and that’s it. I’m not social I don’t feel like talking and I have begun to become socially challenged. I guess I have been closed off for so long I don’t hold conversations well. Another reason I avoid talking with friends and being social. I am genuinely nice and I smile so people don’t see what is really inside. I don’t like to answer questions and I am always embarrassed that my husband is doing this to me. I feel like hating him but I know I can’t. I just wish he would go away and leave me and the baby alone or go to treatment and stay. Please help.

  • Oh I forgot to mention that last week on the night my husband was supposed to stay home and watch the baby so I could go to work, he decided that he’d rather drink and not come back. Thank God I had already called in that morning, but he didn’t know that. If I hadn’t listened to the good Lord and called in I could have lost my job. I kept calling him trying to get him to come home so I could “go to work” but he decided to tell me that he didn’t care about my f…ng job and the little money I make a day. Wow! For one, I don’t make little money and two it doesn’t matter how much I make it’s money we have after he has drank all his up!!! I was so hurt. He just kept calling back and lying saying he was on his way. Then he told me I needed to rest and to call in! 15 minutes before I needed to be leaving for work? What should I do? He came home at 2:30 am that night. I was just so hurt and angry I couldn’t even show him how mad I was because I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. I would never disrespect him this way nor would I disrespect his work. What does this really mean? Has he lost respect for me and he is telling me in so many ways?

  • Sally

    Patricia, go back and read what you’ve written. Hate to break it to you, but you already know the real, bottom line answer to your questions. “…because I knew it wouldn’t make a difference.” That’s your reality as long as you stay with your drunk. Your hurt and anger don’t make a damn bit of difference to him. Give. It. Up. Stop expecting rationality and sanity in an insane situation. You have a job. Get out of that house and away from him and don’t look back. Read all the posts on this site and you’ll see the same scenario replayed over and over and over and over. Lies, deceit, selfishness, and crazy-making behavior are all stock in trade for drunks. NOTHING will change about him, so you’d better change YOUR attitudes and make plans on your own for you and your baby that don’t include him. You can’t depend on him for anything, so don’t and then get your feelings hurt when he doesn’t give a damn. You’re not a bottle of booze, so in his world you don’t count. You’ll never count.

    Be honest with yourself and admit that you know the truth of what you can expect from your drunk. Wishing and hoping and dreaming of better times won’t change anything where he’s concerned. You stay with him, and you’ll only have in the future what you have now. Every single person on this site has lived the same kind of crazy you’re living. Some get out. Some stay for various reasons. But I want you to do one thing – picture what your life will be like if you allow him to stay in your life for another year. For another 5 years. Another 20. It’s not a pretty image and it won’t get better as long as you make no effort to change things. Not change him, but change YOUR life. Drunks don’t think like normal people. Stop expecting him to. It ain’t gonna happen, babe.

    I wish you well and know that you have friends who understand here. Let us help you stay strong. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Thank you Sally for your strength and reality check! I am truly tired… I can’t say all that I want to right now, maybe I can in a day or two. I’m so drained and I feel really stupid! I again forgave my husband for his disrespect the last couple weeks, he then turned around and decided that he wasn’t going to come home Monday night after leaving that afternoon around 3:30. I went numb and actually fell asleep around 2:30 am when I realized he wasn’t coming home. I guess I didn’t want to believe what was happening. He came home around noon the next day. He lied about where he was after asking him the first time, I told him I was going to call where he was and I said will they say you were there? He says no they probably won’t, so then I said ok so you’re lying then he decided to say he was at his brothers house who is also an alcoholic. I’m just fed up and What makes me mad is that I can’t help that I have a kind heart and I tend to forgive and go back to my sweet i forgive you attitude and resume being the loving peaceful wife I am supposed to be. I have to admit that before I went back to being nice I went off and yelled and screamed and pointed my finger as hard as I could!! I just couldn’t contain my emotions! I threatened divorce which I know isn’t right but I’m a mess and I feel crazy and sometimes I actually think I’m getting through to him…. I know I’m not! I don’t know what to do… I’m sick. I hate how I still melt for my husband when he is drying up and acting like he cares. I get sucked in all over again, I feel like I can’t help it! He says he is not going to give me a divorce because he is still in love with me? How can this be? I’m so mad….he has done so much to me and I end up feeling horrible, low and broken after losing my temper. I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I feel like life will be great and peaceful if I get away from him, but then I don’t want to leave him thinking I will wait and see how treatment works this time or how the new meds will help… I’m lost confused and a complete fool!!!

  • Sally

    Patricia, I understand everything you’re feeling. Trick is – feelings aren’t facts. The facts as you’ve stated them are that your husband will lie before telling you the truth. That he won’t do right by you. That he’ll do and say whatever he thinks he has to in order to keep you doing all the work in your relationship and in your lives. News flash for your husband – he can’t not give you a divorce. No such thing exists any longer in our country. You’re not a fool. You love a man who doesn’t have what it takes to love you back. Love is a feeling. It’s not a fact. STOP trying to pin him down on his lies. THAT’s crazy-making behavior. What purpose does it serve to keep running around and around going over the same old ground. New lies but old behavior. STOP allowing him to decide how you feel. You say you feel horrible, low and broken. Stop. Just stop. The details of every time he screws you over again don’t matter. The heart of the issue is that it’s the same old story you’ve told again and again. HE won’t change. You HAVE to change if you want your life to be different. Really stop and imagine years and years of this go-nowhere, nothing-changes behavior. Is this really what you want your life to be? Hate to break it to you hon, but you can’t have a better life with him in it. When it comes down to a choice of him or you, I hope you choose YOU. Choose not to be confused. You know what to do; you just don’t want to hunker down and do what must be done. I get that. I also know that you can get past not wanting to and get to the place in your head and heart where you know what you MUST do.

    The one thing that never changes when dealing with drunks is how much we allow them to change us. We allow them to dictate our reactions to their madness. When you’ve had enough of being who you’re not, you’ll do what you have to in order to be who you are. And that will mean, most likely, without him. There is life after a drunk – you just have to want it bad enough to go get it. You can love many people in your lifetime, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow them to make a mess of your life. You’re not a doormat. Stop acting like one. I understand. I truly do. I also know that there’s a much better life waiting out there for you – without him. Stay strong. Stop dithering. Get moving toward what you want and moving away from what you don’t. We’re all here for you. Stay strong.

  • Tessa

    Patricia- sadly, I know exactly how you feel, we are living identical lives and it’s slowly killing me as well as taking away from our 2 yr old son. I have left him and gotten back together so many times, I’m embarrassed and know that our friends and family think we are a joke, a couple of idiots. My fiancé has a pill addiction as well as alcohol (for 20+ years) , has dried out, relapsed and so on, I get so frustrated and angry and hurt, I leave for a few weeks, he sweet talks me, my defenses go down and we go back. It’s a sick and toxic dance. I too get upset at the thought of him replacing me with someone else, he seems to never be hurt by everything that is going on, just me. I am consumed, depressed, thought about ending my life, I become completely dysfunctional. I could go on for days, so much has happened in 3 years, no one could possibly make this stuff up. He would be gone for days, leave us with no food and no money, verbal abuse…. My head swims just thinking about it all. Sally has some incredible advice, her words are dead on. If only we could muster up the strength to say goodbye, to not look back, to not worry about what their up to or who they are with, to have hope that thru the pain, a new life will begin, a happy life. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I am co-dependent, addicted to the relationship, the chaos.

  • Sally

    Tessa and Patricia (and anyone else) – The only reason I have a clue what I’m talking about is because I’ve lived in the past what you’re living in the present. Three years ago this month I left the drunk in my life. It took 9 months of planning, but I did it and I never looked back. Don’t think for a second that you can’t dig down deep and find the strength you need to get up and get gone. I was so unhappy and it was literally making me physically ill. Deathly so. I finally had to ask myself some hard questions and the answers, at first, made me feel worse. A big question – what was I hiding from or avoiding by WILLINGLY staying with him rather than get out? What was I getting out of staying stuck? I was ashamed of myself for changing myself for a man who wasn’t worth it. His life was better for me in it, but mine was so much worse. The thought of another year of living like that was sickening. The idea of another five years or a lifetime was enough to make me puke. Do not misunderstand. I loved him and in a way I still do, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.

    Bottom line, I had to make a choice. Him or me. I chose me.

    Life with a drunk is like taking the worst day you’ve ever had with your drunk and putting it on an endless loop, to re-run until the day you die. You’re never enough, even if you were Mother Mary, you’re still not enough to fill the emptiness in a drunk’s soul. You’re not enough to repair whatever’s wrong and you never will be. A drunk’s life is truly charmed. Your drunk can depend on you to deal with the sh*tty, day-to-day, boring details of grown-up life, while the drunk gets a free pass to be irresponsible and immature and completely free of anything that smacks of actually being an adult. As long as your drunk can lean on you, why should they go to all the trouble to stand on their own two feet? You’ll always be there to clean up the mess and make everything all better. You also make a great whipping boy for whatever has gone wrong or goes wrong in your drunk’s life. Whatever it is, it’s your fault and you’re to blame. Sorry babes, but they were f*cked up when we met them, and they’ll probably stay like that until they die. Neither you nor I are a bottle of booze, so in the grand scheme of a drunk’s life, we’re way down the list of important people/things.

    As for worrying about your drunk finding someone else – GET.OVER.IT. It’s that charmed life that drunks live. They always seem to be able to quickly find someone to prop them up and take your place. Great! As long as it’s someone else’s problem and not yours. There ARE worse problems to have than a drunk moving on to the next willing victim. News flash. Victim is the last label I want, and I pitched it as quickly as I could.

    Honestly, it was damn hard to leave and it’s been a long road back to normal, but I stayed the course, and you can too. Yes, it hurt and yes, it was lonely and yes, I still miss the sober him. But I’ll never miss the nasty, foul-mouthed, angry drunk he became night after night and every weekend. Once he was laid off, he was all of the above within a couple of hours of rolling out of bed. A drunk will suck the life out of you and leave you when you have nothing left to give – and blame you that you don’t have anything left. Sadly, with few exceptions, there is no long-term life with a drunk that any sane person would wish to live. Face the facts and move on. You can feel sad, depressed, angry, confused or whatever, but… feelings aren’t facts. The facts are that living with a drunk isn’t living. It’s existing to experience the same lousy day – over and over and over again.

    Ladies, turn on your music. Ditch the sad songs and find ones with attitude. Lots of it. Get mad at yourself or him or whoever, but use that anger to fuel yourself to DO SOMETHING to improve YOUR lot, not his. Re-read whatever on this site gives you strength. Keep the music playing every second you’re awake. Do whatever it takes to muster your reserves and get you and yours to a better place in life. To get your head in a better place. Be kind to yourself when you don’t succeed as much as you’d hoped, or when you have a weak moment. But keep moving in the general direction of your future – without a drunk. Life with a drunk is no life at all. God did not intend me to be used as a convenience appliance, and he didn’t intend it for you, either. I wish you strength and peace. With one you can gain the other. You’re in my thoughts.

  • Sandy

    All I can say Sally is GREAT POST!!! I feel like I can conquer the world now and I won’t stop until I do!!! thank you . .

  • Tessa

    Sally- wow! I don’t really know what to say except that your words hit the nail on the head every single time!!! I wish I could have you next to me at all times to keep me on track, to give me that “wake the hell up” slap in the face. I am dealing now with mostly pill addiction and an occasional relapse with alcohol, which I supposed that all substance abuse issues are one in the same. I am so very thankful for our son, but I regret ever being in a relationship with him. Worst 3 years of my life! I am miserable in my life right now, baby and I get up at 7:30 and to the recliner I go for a majority of my day. I obsess over his phone calls, I worry that the reason I haven’t heard from his earlier is that I said something to upset him. I’m in it bad and deep. Depression has set in BIG TIME.

  • Sally

    Thanks, Sandy! I got so much help and clarity by visiting this site when I was struggling to decide to make my life better, and after I left my drunk, too. I can’t imagine I’ll ever not stop in, even if it’s just to remind myself how far I’ve come and how good it feels to have done so.

    Tessa, you can do this. You have an innocent, precious child. Stay with your addict and you’ll almost guarantee he’ll be just like his father. Children learn what they live. You have to love your son more than that. You just have to.

    I get pill addiction. My drunk loved to mix his booze with pills. Any pills. Didn’t matter what. He couldn’t handle the mix, but … whatever. I understand depression. Best way to beat it back is to MOVE. Turn on music. Dance with your child. Sing. Go brush your teeth. Brush your hair. Get out of that damn recliner. Even if only for 10 minutes today. Then 11 minutes tomorrow. You’ll have days when you don’t do as well as the day before. But keep trying. You didn’t get into this mess overnight and you won’t get out overnight, either. What are you avoiding by staying with him? Having to go it alone? Afraid of the dark? Afraid of . . . ? Fear is a pretty lousy excuse for deliberately deciding that you’re willing to stay miserable rather than try to make your life better. I understand that fear. I still deal with it at times. But, and this is a big but – you have done things that scared you before and you came through just fine. You’ve endured before, and you can do it again. Part of the lure of the drunk’s crazy-made confusion is that it keeps us from focusing on what WE’re capable of doing all on our own. Drunks like to keep the focus and spotlight on themselves every waking second, because that way it’s easier to keep us from remembering what life was like before we let a drunk into our hearts and lives. You lived without your addict for years before you hooked up with him. You’ll live a lot of years without him in your life. It gets easier the sooner you begin living without. Celebrate your smallest victory on the path to out and gone. Be kind when you don’t do as well as you want. But keep trying. We’re all here for you.

  • SJC

    AMEN Sally…Preach on sister. LOVE IT!!!

  • Paige Huey

    So….dating an alcoholic is new to me…..and I mean the kind who will binge drink ….say off the wall things to me…then go back to not drinking at all… I almost feel I can hardly type,,,,,when he is sober our life is great….its great…but on the off side>>>>He can be mean while i am trying so hard to be so sweet……tonight….he yelled an said for me to Fuck Off when turned this lights down! Listen….. I have always been a strong ass women and i want this side of me back!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE Pray!!!!

  • My husband has been sober since March 11 2015 after a horrible year of drinking and several relapses. I actually made it through this time but I’m different I can feel it. I’m wondering should I prepare for another horrific nightmarish relapse or try and believe he might actually stay sober this time. Our marriage isn’t the best since it has taken a beating and our 1 year anniversary is coming on the 24th. Our daughter will be 1 in June. We are doing a little better knowing that he is on Antabuse but I’m afraid that he will decide to stop taking it and make up for his dry season…. Please anyone with experience with a relapsing husband or “currently sober” husband please help…

  • In case anyone is wondering… I’m the same patricia from the post in January

  • I recently (almost 1 month ) kicked my 3 year boyfriend out of the house. I knew when I met him he was “recovering ” not knowing the second we moved in together he was going to become a raging alcoholic. He in 2 years lost 2 jobs blamed me for both. Lied about everything he lost his license for 6 years for a dui years before I met him but that didn’t stop him from stealing my car to get booze. He stole money from me, the list just goes on & on. He keeps texing me like nothing is wrong..I am beside myself is he that messed up in the head ? I got him out of the house by calling the cops . I just really need someone to talk to…I feel so alone I have no friends.

  • Pez

    Yes carol, He really is that messed up in the head! And, If you would take him back you would see that more and more!! It’s mindboggling the amount of damage alcohol can do to the brain. If you are there for him, He will USE you–over and over again without reguard to your feelings. Stay away, stay far away!!!!

  • Pez

    Make some new friends!! Join a group with your same interests. Try stay busy, keep occupied, anything to break free from him physically, mentally and spiritually!!

  • Thanks Pez….Its just difficult to meet new people especially at my age I’m not old but I’m not young either I will never take him back ever… he got out of detox and got loaded within 24 hours that was the night I got him out of the house it’s going to take me a long time to get over this and even longer to love again

  • Pez

    It will! And it is a HARD road. I’ve been through it. Had to leave the man I loved deeply and I am still single. Have dated but have not found the right guy yet. Learning to be happy anyway single or with someone but, we all know it’s better for some of us to have someone sharing our lives. But with a drunk, It’s better to be alone and have the opportunity for a better future once we heal. I am 53. I was with my XAB for 5 years with 2 breakups for about 8 months each time. The last try for me was when he got put in jail for 4 1/2 months and sobered up so I thought maybe he reached his bottom. Got out stayed sober for 4 more months and then WHAM back to the SOS (same old shit) that was it for me.

  • Denise

    I have been married for 35yrs.on July 19. I have started to see the horrible effects of alcoholism on my AH. Hardly eats( gotta save room for the booze). If we do have to go to the store for something it seems the social aspect of doing something so simple is traumatic for him. He stands there like a deaf-mute if someone says anything to him. I don’t cover for him anymore. I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head and make sure he sees me. We very seldom have a conversation. Can’t talk about our sons because they don’t call to talk to him. I e-mail them-ALOT. I wrote him recently about the effects his alcoholism has had on me and the boys. What did I hear? Oh, I suppose that’s my fault too?; we haven’t had sex in a long time (1year); my reply to that was -ever had sex with an alcoholic? That’s all it is -sex. Distancing myself has become easier. He says he’s leaving. Wish I had a dollar for every time he’s said that. I hope he does leave one way or the other. I used to think how sad it is to see someone destroying themselves.Not anymore. Found an empty bottle of booze in the linen cupboard and started laughing. He came to see what was so funny. OOPS! I think what causes an alcoholic to lie is when they have been found out multiple times whether it’s the affairs,coming to work drunk and getting time off, their children not wanting to be around them, the shame of it all. I do not have any friends except for the ones at work. I was going to retire next year . Maybe if he’s not here I will. Thanks for listening. I miss my children. I miss what could have been…………but clearly never was.

  • I feel your pain Denise……Idk if my ex ever cheated but he always thought I was, insecure POS…But same thing, both his kids ( not ours his from marriage ) wont speak to him . But he did lie about everything even trivial stuff idk about yours but my ex drank alone & he was alone for about 16 hours a day, I was the only one that got up for work daily . I am alone now and I’m loving it…He will never find another like me and he knows it probably why he’s not willing to leave me alone .
    He has seriously scarred me mentally in a way that its going to take me a long time to get over it.

  • Barb

    Reading over these comments i can sympathize with so many of you. 10 years ago it got so bad that I would have to wake the 15 year old up at 5 am and let her know to keep an ear out for the 2 year old to wake up while i went and dragged his drunk butt home from a party so i could go to work and the 15 yo could go to school. Luckily my 2 yo usually slept till 9 or 10 so he got some shut eye before he had to watch her or i would have had to quit my jog. considered it anyway. I finally told him it was the booze or me and the family. He picked us,or so I thought.

    over the years i have smelled it on him but got the lies and denial of it. My daughter who is not 12 and stepdaughter 24 have also smelled it on him. 2 nights ago after working 12 hours to come home and do my other job ( i work from home part time) i got that dreaded call from the state police. They suspected him of DUI and took for blood tests. Guess he cant lie anymore huh. Played the mind game. “i only lied so you wouldn’t leave me” Bull!

    He said me drinking ( occasionally) didn’t bother him but that was a lie too. When i would proudly say he’s my DD. he doesn’t drink anymore he would take it as an insult to his manhood. seriously. it’s so messed up.

    he won a 30 pack from the radio station before last new years (for me he said)it sat unopened until may. I enjoy a cold one in the summer. i noticed in June it was disappearing. more lies.

    I asked if it was worth it. no answer. told him if he had any chance of me staying it would be private counseling so he can learn why what he did is so wrong for the entire family. group counseling doesn’t work with him. he did that years ago . thinks its a joke. He also is to stay away from his friends he was with that night as they are the ones that make him want to drink. I really cant see any other way. if he wont do that then me and my daughter will go. My Dad passed away 3 weeks ago, I’m sure mom could use the help.

    Now comes the worries of how his test comes back. 0.08 isn’t very much. Not sure how i will manage the mortgage if he does 30 days, plus all the fines. why oh why cant grown men actually be responsible? If i have even one i don’t drive unless i wait for it to wear off. It makes me so sad that that drink is more important then his life, our lives, the lives of everyone on the road, and the future of our family.

  • He relapsed again!!!!!!!!!!!!!'(husband)
    As of July 1st and has been raging ever since! Finally got a DUI! Why do I say finally? Because he drinks and drives leaving bars at 2am crossed eyed drunk and gets behind the wheel almost everyday and night! . I know The Lord has a hand on him because he should have been put under the jail by now… Anyway, I was reading my post from months ago and what a wake up call… It really is exactly as everyone has said. It does not get better it only gets worst… Nothing changes. My husband literally picked up from where he left off!! Lots of disrespect and dishonor. He actually pawned his wedding ring to gamble and party at some karaoke bar!!! Wow!!! I’m feeling valued! On top of that he left home last Sunday afternoon and returned on Wednesday in time for his DUI arraignment! I’m now really convinced that this guy has no respect for me or our marriage nor our one year old!! I’m slowly working my way out but I’m a little scared and I’m not sure how to go about this… How do I leave and file for separation? What if he fights to keep our daughter? Can he claim that I’m violent because of the times I have slapped him after a few of his many disgusting rude disrespectful verbal emotional mentally abusing drunken nights or days? I no longer let myself get this emotionally distraught but I’m still riddled with anxiety… Please help!

  • Pez

    Dear Pat, do everything you can to protect yourself! get all the evidence you can against him as being a drunk and abusive. write everything down and Date it! get some video of him drunk record him on your cell phone. if you have to stay another month to get this evidence do it. the court wants to see evidence. if you have friends or family who have witnessed this abuse and drunkenness ask if they will help you in court as a witness. you can prove him an unfit father and get full custody. I know you’re a Christian but if he accuses you of slapping him deny it! if no one saw that you are him its your word against his and you need to protect your child From him! after you have all your ducks in a row people supporting you evidence then file for separation or divorce.

  • SC

    I agree with everything Pez said. Do not admit to slapping him to any of your mutual friends or do not say anything else about it. It’s only his word against yours. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your child… At this point. Take care, we care.

  • FM

    I did a search for coping with a lying alcoholic wife and came upon this blog. The problem is, it’s all women with a drunk husband. Well, my problem is my wife and I just cant deal with the lies and the habit. I’ve been in my own therapy for years but I just cant get past the living a lie every single day. I don’t want to go through another divorce but the alternative is living this life. She blames me for every argument. Every argument revolves around her drunkeness and she vehemently denies it each and every time. Then the issue becomes my false and unfair accusation and I become the creep, she leaves or sleeps in another room and we don’t talk for several days until it blows over. The peace will usually last a few days until I cant continue to deny that she is drinking….I confront her and the cycle repeats itself. I feel that if I don’t confront her I become an enabler. I just don’t feel any confidence in my ability to cope with this issue. I love my wife but when she drinks she becomes a completely different person who is vicious & downright cruel. She’s flipped a car, been hospitalized, been nearly arrested all because of stints with alcohol. She hides bottles, drives under the influence constantly and focuses only on her own well being and her alcohol habit. She is a master at deception as our friends and HER family have no idea she has a problem. She goes out of her way to present herself as a Mother Theresa figure and when she gets off stage she goes right into her alter personality knowing no one would believe me if I told them (she as much as literally said so). Does anyone share this frustration???? Can you offer any insight or help??

  • Pez

    FM, they are all the same! it doesn’t matter if they’re a man or a woman. you have two choices stay and accept the situation that will probably never change or change your life and separate yourself from this person. it’s up to you. read through a lot of these blogs and you will see the same thing over and over and over again. this is a progressive illness that does not get better unless they want it. false hopes can keep you in this kind of relationship for years until you’re dead. if you want to stay there is ways of coping that are on this site too. If you don’t want to live this way for the rest of your life and have a chance at your future you need to start planning on your escape. every question you have will be answered on one of These blogs!!!

  • Pez

    Ps don’t worry about what her family thinks and what the friends think. worry about yourself. eventually these things come out into the open just trust in that.

  • FM

    Thank you Pez. I really wish she would realize what she has to lose and seek help but the more I offer to try to get her help the more resentful and confrontational she becomes in denial. She switches the focus to me being a false accuser and a controller and I am put on the defensive. Its classic manipulation and she pulls it off effortlessly. I have to find the strength to move on. It is not easy for me.

  • Pez

    As soon as you see it’s all a game to them you will move on! Not going to lie to you it’s one of the hardest things you will ever do leave someone that you love! It took me a long time to get where I’m at today. absolutely if you need counseling get it you were in an abusive relationship verbally and emotionally. Another thing that helped me was anti anxiety medication for the trauma. Not antidepressants but something like valium or xanax. Just watch out if you have an addictive personality and only use when needed.

  • Sandy

    And FM – even if they make it to recovery, which my husband has – there is no guarantee they will quit lying and change – mine is the exact same person he was drunk but without the alcohol . . he quit drinking, but hasn’t changed any of his abusive alcoholic traits . . some days are better than others – but sometimes I almost wish he was drinking again because then he used to pass out and I would get some peace . . I’ve chosen to stay and try to work on the marriage . . but only God knows how this will all come out . . good luck to you, just remember, you are not in this alone . . there are thousand’s of us out there in the same boat . . take care and God bless!!

  • FM

    Thank you Sandy. God Bless you and your family as well.

  • Julie21

    FM please check out This site has loads of information and help for those in a relationship with an alcoholic. They spell out what you are experiencing and will enlighten you for sure. When i felt at a loss and did not know what to do this site and the books they offer on here really helped clear my head and helped me make the decisions i needed to make to get my life back. Now my children and I are living a greater life than we ever imagined when my exah was in our lives. And the blogs on acoholicsfriend also set me on the right path. Read all you can on here too and check out the articles especially about setting boundaries. God Bless!

  • Pez

    Awesome JUlie 21, I had totally forgotten about that site which was powerful! they won’t mince words or sugar coat anything. it’s hard and straight to the point which is what we need.

  • Pez and SC!!
    Thank you so much for your understanding and advice. I meet with an attorney this coming Tuesday to discuss my situations and fid out all I need to do to get my ducks in a row. I have been slowly taking out all important docs and throwing away clutter to prepare for me and my daughters exit. It’s like he really isn’t getting the message or he is too consumed in his own misery to really care or see what his alcoholism has done to our marriage. My husband actually believes that it’s ok to leave our one year old with him at night knowing he gets drunk while I’m at work and the baby is sleep! He has actually called me crazy for actually disagreeing! He turns it into me keeping HIS daughter from him when I take her to her grandmothers while I work! He has been verbally and emotionally abusing regarding this issue when he is drunk! He treats me like I’m the enemy… He is constantly changing his bank email benefit websites passwords because according to a text message he sent me while I was at work one night out of the blue stating “I DONT TRUST YOU OR YOUR FAMILY OR YOUR FRIENDS!!!” Why did I deserve that when he had just called me at work saying he missed me and loves me and then turned defensive because I didn’t leave our daughter home with him… He hung up on me out of the blue and sent the text!!! I’m just tired!!!! He is awaiting his dui trial date which he hopes they will let him enter into the vet court program!!! I think he gets too many breaks as it is… This is a man who believes there is a way around everything and will try to find it! I love my husband but I think he needs to suffer hard consequences for driving drunk repeatedly! He was stopped with a BAC of 0.26! Over three times the legal limit! Now he wants to be given a break again and looking for away to BEAT the system so he can run his legal course and end up back on his HIGH HORSE! I’m just really tired!! My husband actually has the nerve to find reasons to be upset with me and make me feel like I’m causing his grief! He is the one that isn’t trustworthy and has dishonored our marriage time and time again but he treats me like I’m the aldulterer and deceiver!! He actually is trying to make me feel like I’m the one crazy and not worth trusting or respecting! All I do is work and take care of our beautiful little girl! How dare he accuse me when he is the one that leaves and doesn’t call or come home whenever he see fits!! What is really the problem? Ok…. I guess I’m venting! I’m just tired of living in his dark world! It’s horrible! I know I’m co dependent and I get the happiest feeling of freedom and relief when I think about finally getting away from him and actually being able to live peacefully and not shocked with gut wrenching anxiety when I realize he is drunk somewhere and not knowing if he is coming home and if he does not knowing which monster is coming through the door!!! I’m just really really tired! I’m 33 and he is 53! When did he stop growing up? Ii feel like I’m dealing with an out of control abusive child!! I’m thinking about leaving with baby and going to my mothers while I look for a place. I then feel bad for leaving while he maybe thinking things are ok between us and him facing his dui stuff!!! This is where I’m stuck!! I keep CARING!!! Is it a good idea to just leave with no warning and get a new residence and then file for separation? How should I do this?? I just want out and away from him right now!!

  • Vita

    Over the past 5 years I lived with an alcoholic extremely passive aggressive liar. Daily drama, always my fault, lying, does not want sex or any interconnection with me. Tried to go to some AA meetings.
    I decided to divorce. My world has become a mess.
    I would never have believed that everything could change in a few days. I realize that this sounds like an advertisement, but I do not know how to tell you this differently.
    One of his alcoholic neighbour friend gave him a book Allen Carr’s Easyway to Control Alcohol. The neighbour has read the book and stoped drinking, and later read another book and quit smoking. My husband could not stand one day without at least a couple of beers. Moreover, he did not want to read the book because he did not want to give up drinking for the rest of his life. Thank God, he decided to read the book over 3 days while being sober. Since then, he does not drink. Behavior has changed 180 degrees. Try to offer an alcoholic this book, you have nothing to lose.

  • Lori

    This is too funny that I got this in my email this morning. I was just tinking about my stbx and what a liar he is….he is an alcoholic = liar, he is a cheater = liar. However, he doesn’t think he lies. In a sense, he doesn’t. He just TWISTS things to make them look different than they really are or he leaves out important parts to the story…..lying by omission. The crap he is trying to pull during this divorce is pretty comical. The excuses he comes up with or the stories he is telling are incredible. For instance, when he decided to cheat on me and get another cell phone so he could sext other women – you bet I let the world know what he did. So (according to him) people come up to him and ask “did you really get another phone line?” He says (again according to him) ‘yes, but it was because my wife was so neglectful and a horrible person and I kept it all inside and never told anybody about my problems.” So then (again according to him) they turn around and say “Oh poor you – you NEVER told anybody what was going on? You kept that all inside for so long?” Yep – so now HE is the victim. The justifications of his actions are MESSED UP. Well he can believe whatever he wants to believe and if ‘people’ actually believe that nonsense coming from a drunk – so be it. The people who would actully believe his bs are drunks too.

  • K

    Well, addiction is a disease. Alcoholism and drugs have some very comparable notes. The real part of the brain is destroyed or altered by one or the other and looses its ability to cope with real life. The brain tells the body that it must have more alcohol and drugs because the brain actually believes it. The lying comes from the distorted brain
    to protect the opportunity for more alcohol or drugs. Unfortunately, the
    brain resides in someone we love. They will not change because the brain
    is now controlled by alternative methods. They are very, very, sick.

    On your journey to your new life remember this. You can be compassionate
    and understand they are not able to change but! most spouses, friends, etc.
    find living with alcoholism or drug user is impossible and the choice to move on
    for your self and family is the only thing to do. If you stay you will find yourself
    accepting their behavior as normal. You begin lying to your children, friends, co-workers neighbors and those you are in contact with to cover up the mess he or she has made in your family. It is a hard
    road either way. Do what is best for you and yours. K

  • Pez

    Pat, that is what I did. I waited till he was at work did not inform him and moved out without his knowing. I believe it is the safest way to avoid conflict and or and or violence. Vita you are very fortunate and one of the few very few that their husband has read a book quit and their personality has changed 180 degrees. most people dealing with alcoholics are not this fortunate. be aware, there is always a chance of relapse when the words of the book fade from his memory or a stressful situation provides an excuse.

  • Ann

    I am very sorry for your pain, disappointment and frustration. Having an an alcoholic marriage is very difficult. I know because I was married to an alcoholic for almost two decades. You must first know that alcoholism is a disease. It is a disease of the body which later affects the mind and relationships, especially those close to the alcoholic, for example spouse and children. The alcoholic is in pain.. that is why he or she keep drinking to try and numb the pain. Also the alcoholic has No control over his or her drinking. They are held captive by the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholics lie became they are filled with shame. Do not argue with with a person who is intoxicated. You will not win the argument and this person will feel worst and as a result drink even more. When you argue with them they think you are belittling them and you do not care for them. The best thing you can do in an alcoholic marriage is talk to the person about what you find unacceptable when they are sober. Do not reprimand or curse them. Use I statements to communicate your feelings. Do not lay blame on the alcoholic.
    Please join Alanon. You should be able to find a group near you. In Alanon you will get support and find out that there are others going through similar or worst situations than you. Change your attitude towards the alcoholic, show love and compassion and maybe their attitude will change. Pray and hope that the alcoholic will find AA and sobriety. Get a copy of THe Big Book AA and read it. It is an eye opener. Read Alanon literature every day. Focus on yourself. Take good care of yourself.. exercise etc. Remember to lie in hope and some persons do find sobriety. Big hug Ann

  • Merry

    This is something I have been saying about my husband the Alcoholic….
    If the truth was written down and he read it word for word it would still come out a lie!
    I’ve learned to just shut my mouth makes no sense calling him out on his lies besides he would never remember anyway. Any serious conversations only take place when I know he hasn’t been drinking. You will notice I never say sober. Because the dry drunk is just as bad as the wet one. Timing is key to avoid senseless confrontations.
    I am finally separated from my husband. Now the confrontations come via phone so now I simply say in a very calm voice …. I can tell you’ve been drinking and I no longer want to talk to you. Have a good night Goodbye and hang up. Then I have to ignore the next several calls / texts until he finally passes out. I turn off the phone or turn it down use the call forwarding for my house phone to my cell then I don’t have to hear the ringing. This has all helped for my own sanity. First of all we all know it makes no sense to argue with a drunk and one who is lying … all this does is make us crazy. When he was still home I would just do the blank stare and try not to argue. It has taken a very long time and patience but I finally feel my sanity coming back. Married 21 years Separated 7 months….

  • carolyn

    I know all to well what it is like living with an alcoholic and the lies.. my husband was bad, he believed his lies he told to everyone. I finally made a choice for me I ended up moving to California for a year just to keep myself from being pulled down anymore. Sadly, he ended up in the hospital and ended up passing away this past Feb. ..Sometimes,you have to think about yourself and take care of you. We were married 18 years and separated 1 year Good Luck to you

  • A Co

    I got a message to respond to FM in regard to a spouse who has a very different public persona than her private one.

    If she is repeatedly driving drunk, call the police on her. Do *67 so that it is anonymous. They will video tape the stop and she won’t be able to lie about that. It also might be the best thing that ever happens to her. How are you going to feel when she mows down a kid when you saw her get in the car that way? It’s one thing to have major issues at home. This is on a much more dangerous level and you have some legal responsibilities here. You are also financially liable to a horrific degree. I know how insidiously one can get used to such hell. But this is no longer between the two of you.

    You could also leave the video on your phone on when she is raging at you. Go to her most trusted friend (not drinking buddy) and ask them for advice after you show them. People like to believe slander so don’t feel bad/guilty about protecting your reputation.

  • Lori

    I have called the police – in my town and in neighboring towns. I have called the sheriff. I even told the sheriff he could sit at the end of my driveway any night of the week if he wanted to get a drunk driver.
    He has somehow managed to never get a DWI. Although he did total 2 vehicles within 1 year, only the insurance got involved. The second accident the state patrol knocked on our door that night and stbx wouldn’t let me answer the door. Then next morning when he went to meet the tow truck, the state patrol was waiting for him as well. He asked if stbx was drinking last night. “No.” They didn’t bother to give him a breathalyzer at that time….but I would bet a million dollars he would have had something still in his system. This is another of the many reasons I am divorcing the monster. He gets away with everything!

  • SC

    Carolyn, did your xah die from something alcohol related? Sad.

  • teresa

    Patricia & FM…. Patricia posted “I’m now really convinced that this guy has no respect for me or our marriage nor our one year old!! I’m slowly working my way out but I’m a little scared and I’m not sure how to go about this… How do I leave and file for separation? What if he fights to keep our daughter?”
    1st of all, IF he fights for your daughter, it will only be to try and hurt you, secondly, he does not have a desire for that much responsibility…honestly, his only responsibility is to himself and his disease…as for respect, he only has that for his booze.
    FM, your story was my life for 7 years, cohabitated with my bf great guy, loved by everybody, never abusive, who was less than honest when we met. he had no license unbeknownst to me for 4 years until he got pulled over while we were on our way on a weekend vacation with his 2 kids and one of mine…he was driving, sober, but when he asked the officer if he could get out of the car is when he whispered to me that he had no license…dui, 2nd. He would drive home drunk all the time, on several occasions he passed out in his vehicle with foot on gas pedal, thankfully it was in park, found him several times in the kitchen floor, in the garage, etc etc, my defining moment or rock bottom, (we all have them) was when he told me he didn’t have a drinking problem, I had the problem with his drinking…
    My AlAnon family helped tremendously with me…not on how to deal with him, but how to deal with me, even before I left him. The third time he told me to leave I did…. he told me to go and talk to my support group…he was very bitter towards me for even seeking help for myself because he knew that my eyes would be opened and that I would learn that his disease was manipulating me and our situation…and that I had an answer /help for me.
    Al anon distributes a pamphlet called Alcoholism: the Merry Go Round of Denial, I recommend anyone dealing with an alcoholic to read it, you will identify yourself in it, and you will even put names to the other roles depicted in it.
    As for leaving, my self esteem was at an all time low, my moods depended on his, who was I suppose to be that day? how was I suppose to act, perfection is impossible… I was tired, I had given all I could and there was nothing else left of me to give him or anyone else for that matter, I allowed him to deplete me of every emotion, I no longer had love in my heart, all I felt was bitterness toward everyone, most of all myself.
    a few things I had read ( and I do not recall who wrote them, so I am not trying to plagiarize here.) that have a lot of truth… “Perfectionism is the highest form of self abuse” I’ve learned it cannot be achieved, my favorite ” Not my circus, not my monkeys” and “don’t believe everything you think” and “nothing changes if nothing changes”
    I suggest seeking Al Anon.. yes its terrifying to go the first time, because the disease has convinced us we are the only ones going through this, no one will understand, our situation is different, etc etc, but trust me when I say, you will be received with open arms, you may even be asked to share your story, you don’t have to, and while you sit there listening to others, if the tears start flowing, its okay, everyone in that room has been exactly where you are when you enter the first time. There is hope. Take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on yourself, be kind and gentle towards yourself. And remember, we didn’t cause the alcoholism, cant control it, and we cant cure it.
    Today, I can say to you…
    With much love

  • Hi,
    The posts have been coming & coming today…I love it, keep talking it out everyone, it helps. I am almost 2 months away from my AH ex-boyfriend…I am alone living in the house and I LOVE EVERY SECOND of it. Nobody waking me up in the middle of the night cause he is falling down drunk, nobody cussing at me and calling me every name in the book, nobody stealing money from me or stealing my car to go buy more booze. I did SO much for him and nothing was ever returned to me. To me, actions speak louder than words and his actions were that he put booze above his kids, his family and his relationship. There was another post that said his responsibility was to keep feeding his addiction and that is 100% correct. He cared about nothing else.
    Keep strong everyone and you may not see it now but there is a light at the end of your tunnel.

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