Alcoholics Blaming Others for Their Problems




One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.

Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?

Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.

What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?

Alcoholic Pointing FingerWell, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.

It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.

Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.

How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems

I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.

By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.

When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.

It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

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360 comments to Alcoholics Blaming Others for Their Problems

  • C

    The key to each relationship is mutual investment – growing together, looking forward to adventures – celebrating each day together. Not possible with an alcoholic!!

    It only gets worse. They don’t care about themselves, and they are unable to care for us.

  • Caitlyn

    The art of deflection is indeed a powerful tool. Not just for relationships with alcoholics but anyone that uses the power of verbal attack by attacking our self worth and self value to set themselves higher than us. When we recognise that is what they are doing and it isn’t solving anything we are in control of ourselves and our lives. Deflection is a powerful tool for dealing with difficult people. By throwing their words back at them in a powerful but loving way we are not left feeling undermined or undermining them. We are holding them accountable for themselves, their words, their actions. When they feel our power of not bending under the weight of their words the relationship is strengthened and they are less likely to come back to do the same as they realise it is futile we us. We won’t take the bait. Love and good intentions must stand between us and everyone around us and deflection achieves that in a powerful and loving way. Remember that for any situation where someone is being verbally vicious and unnecessarily untrue. By throwing their false accusations back at them in a loving way, truth stands tall alongside love. Let them be your guide.

  • stacy

    Hi sandy, I am at a loss for what to say. Yes, on all accounts, I should have pulled away a long time ago. I guess I am just not ready to, at this point. Don’t.know why. Guess that is MY sickness! He is addicted to his alcohol and I am addicted to him 🙁 I would say that 90% of the time, he is good to me. I have learned to just ignore his little nasty criticisms. They don’t even phase me anymore. He is the one with the problems not me, when the criticism comes out. I am sure there will be a time when I say enough is enough! I really feel for YOU! Married or not, your AH sounds like an EXTREMELY dangerous man to be around. May be his salvation will be to spend some time behind bars for what he did to you.

  • SC

    Interesting article. Written by a RA.

    This is a discussion of forgiveness. First we point out, as if you didn’t already know, that alcoholics tend to feel victimized by people, places, things, and the cosmos in general. As if this were not enough, we alcoholics also carry a grudge about what has been done to us or not done for us. In the paragraphs that follow, we explore the implications of carrying resentments around with us. If we cannot get rid of our resentments any other way, we are sometimes faced with the ultimate resentment eradication tool – to forgive those whom we resent.
    The nature of forgiveness is investigated, and, finally techniques to achieve forgiveness are presented. Our discussion of forgiveness is elaborated upon through links into four additional pages below. It is best, we think, that they be viewed in the order listed.ALCOHOLICS ARE RESENTMENT-PRONE.Most alcoholics have a deep—almost pathological—sense of justice. If we are wronged (meaning often that we did not get what we wanted), or we even conjure up the notion that we might have been wronged, we find full justification to express anger or harbor resentment. It then seems almost a duty to carry a justified resentment. Otherwise, those who have wronged us would get off scot-free. And that wouldn’t be right, would it? So, we waste our God-given lives judging and punishing our fellows. Continue Reading: Forgiveness The Missing Step

  • stacy

    Dear SC, thanks you SO much for posting this! This hits all the nails on the head for my AB. He is a toxic person at this point in his life allowing all of his resentment towards others from his past to control his life. He is a resentful, judgemental, critical, sarcastic little bully of a boy in a mans body. He is one of those who when you try to confide in him about an issue, he turn it all around on you. Will he ever be able to pull himself up and find that there is a happier way to live? I hope so but I cannot sacrifice my sanity for him. I love him so much but he is unable to love me back because of the walls he has built and his only faithful, trustworthy friend he has is his beer.

  • Bart

    WOW SC, what an excellent read. It really opened my eyes more to how the pattern forms when the blame game gets started and escalates.

    We or the alcoholic have an expectation that doesn’t pan out the way “we” wanted it to which in turn leads to a resentment. It is the “root” of the resentment that causes people to blame others for their unhappiness.

    It appears that acceptance of situations as being exactly the way the are supposed to be in the moment and also forgiveness aid in removing the resentment. Once the resentment is removed the action of blaming others disappears and inner peace is discovered.

    Good stuff!

  • Sally

    Regarding a drunk’s resentment, this was my experience: the drunk that was in my life used his resentments as excuses. They were his excuse not to do better, not to try, not to make an effort to make his life any better, because, after all, if he was worthy, wouldn’t everything have worked out the way it “should” have? He was so big into “shoulds.” It was always, “That shouldn’t be…,” “they shouldn’t…,” “you should…” He always seems to think he knew what others should or shouldn’t do. Interestingly, those shoulds never applied to his life. Lord, I don’t miss any of that life. The best decision I ever made was leaving him 7 months ago. My biggest regret is that I didn’t leave years sooner.

  • Fred

    After 9 years of living with an angry, alcoholic wife who physically and verbally abused my two kids and I, she moved out rather then get better. Funny, somehow, even though she was the abuser, I feel like she rejected me. Worst part of staying in this type of relationship is the feelings you have when their sober in the mornings versus the angry individual who turns into your worst enemy in the evenings. Kept her world together for all these years including two stints in rehab facilities and in the end, blaming me and my kids for her anger and drinking. Then, finds an easy out and moves, again, rather then seek real help.

  • Nikki

    Tears in my eyes as I read article and replies. 12 years with my alcoholic husband came to an end 7 months ago. After many attempts of asking him to please stop drinking , ( ifelt I would have had more luck talking to a brick wall) he went into a violent rage and walked out on me and our 3 beautiful daughters 🙁
    The blame , the manipulation, the moods. I would live life daily walking on egg shells. I developed digestion problems, due to anxiety. I do not miss any of this. My story relates a bit to Fred’s. Anything to avoid their problems. He has tried to bully / threaten me into getting back together. NO WAY IN HELL will I ever return to this existence. I am so much more aware of addicts and will never get involved with anyone like this again in this lifetime. You cannot help someone who doesn’t think they need help.
    He still continues to drink daily after work and 10-12 hours on weekends without eating. Socializes only with other alcoholics. PLEASE look up “highly functional alcoholic” great reading 🙂
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  • C

    Wonderful comments. Thank you – all of you for your posts.

    I just can’t figure out how an alcoholic can criticize everyone around them and think they are just fine. The article says the alcoholic knows they have a problem but that sure isn’t the case with the guy I know! He would criticize the sun for coming up in the morning!!

    I have a lot more to learn.

  • sc

    C, This might help to understand some it.
    Written by a recoving alcoholic.

    Things that a Recovering Alcoholic Needs to Learn

    1. How to embrace a creative mindset so that you are actively shaping the story of your life, rather than just letting things happen to you and then playing the victim all the time.

    One common problem among alcoholics is that they tend to react a lot. Things happen in their life, and they react to them. Of course everybody does this, but the alcoholic tends to do it with a special flair, in a way that seems to bring all sorts of additional problems and drama into their life.

    For some people, this may manifest as “being a drama queen.”

    For others, it may be that they are always on the pity pot, and constantly playing the victim.

    And for still other alcoholics, it may be that they are angry and lashing out at the world, because they are convinced that everyone has it in for them.

    Things A Recovering Alcoholic Needs To Learn

  • Sandy

    Haven’t posted in about a week, but got caught up on this blog today – I just want to write to give some hope – My AH was a manipulative, angry, abusive, blamer and victim role to a classic T – nothing was ever his fault, he drank because of me even though he’d been an alcoholic for 35 years and had only known me for 2, funny how that works – would get drunk and throw me around, charge my 87 year old mother – angry at the world . . God awful bitter mean man . . but he woke up, it took my tough love and throwing him in jail to do it . . but it does seemed to have worked . . I’m cautiously optimistic; my eyes are wide open and I know there are no guarantees and I’m taking it one day at a time – but, he’s 5 months sober, one hiccup one night but got right back on the wagon, he’s going to AA on his own, not as often as I’d like but he does talk to his sponsor daily . . the violence has stopped completely, he’s still got a few anger issues but the court is going to make him work on that – rarely blames or plays the victim, still has some mood swings and is still learning how to “say what he means, mean what he says, and not say it mean” but . . he IS actively working on being less selfish, more considerate, and really trying to finally be a good husband; of course with any addiction this could all end with one drink, but I feel God has him in hand and is definitely working in his life . . my point being to all of you with the blaming A that is making your life a living hell, don’t give up hope . . God will give you the strength to get through . . and . . they could wake up and get better . . my prayers are with you all . .

  • stacy

    Sandy, I think IT ALL had to do with your love for him and standing by him, believing that he will get better, and being there for him. They truly are sick and cannot deal with life issues in a reasonable manner because they cannot see through the fog. It is so sad. I am so glad to see that thing are going good for you and your husband. 🙂

  • Sandy

    Thank you Stacy – I’ll be honest there were numerous times that I wanted to bolt and run and give up; but this is my 3rd relationship with an alcoholic, and I have always believed if God brings me to it and he’ll get me through it; and I couldn’t help but also believe that there was a lesson to be learned and a job for me to do; I think the prior relationships helped me to learn what I needed to do for this relationship . . and I think slowly my AH is starting to realize I had him arrested out of love . . I just wanted something to hit him in the head and wake him up so he’d quit drinking, so it did happen for a reason . . I felt guilty at first, but now due to the change in events, I thank God for giving me the strength to pick up the phone and dial 911 . .

  • JC

    Sandy, I am rejoicing with you. This is a wonderful thing to have happen in your life. I am glad that you aren’t feeling guilty. It’s difficult to let the alcoholic know that we will not accept unacceptable behavior, yet the results of making these tough love changes can be amazing. Thanks for participating here. You bring strength and hope to many.

  • Sandy

    thank you JC, I just wanted to share so everyone can know that even when it seems like the end of the road, it may not be – there is always a light at the end of the tunnel in one form or another . .

  • JC

    Excellent Video

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  • Nikki

    Just reading recent posts. That’s great u decided to help your partner.
    I would never stick around ever again. I never received emotional support, even before and during birth of our 3 kids. He could not even stop drinking when I was in labour to drive me to hospital. Within a few hrs of each birth, he was out of there , back to the love of his life, alcohol.
    Would not help my ex partner get off the wagon , I have suffered enough misery for one lifetime.

  • Christina

    The man I have loved for 11 years and been with on and off because of his drinking … Kept banging on my door at 1:00 am …. I keep telling him to leave … No wanting the police involved … I let him in… He was a beautiful man.. Now he’s awfully old looking … Stinking nasty… This morning I saw him in the light his face swollen his eye Black and blue … I begged him to go to the hospital but he left to work for some people that give him money for his alcohol and cigs! He told me he wants to die! Can someone help me please… So confused … My personality is Mother I raised 3 children.. And he’s like a child!

  • Sandy

    Christina – I feel your pain, hang in there – focus on you and getting yourself better and stronger and in turn it will help your husband. Only he can chose to get himself better, the more you push the further he will probably retreat into his drinking. Let him be to either sink or swim; that’s all you can do – he needs to feel the consequences of his actions. If you need to leave, then leave, if he gets violent, call the police, as per my prior post – I’m a total believer in tough love, it does work – Alcoholics sometimes have to be smacked so to speak to wake up – may God be with you, we are all here to give you support . . Good luck . . and God bless . .

  • Ross

    My A will say.God, honey, I ought to go hang myself!Or sometimes i want to go hang myself… He’s said it several times.
    Should I call someone?
    Ross

  • C

    Ross: Call a professional who can advise you – Social Services can refer you to someone. I would pay attention to him – a young male in our small town hung himself 2 years ago at Christmas. There are only 1,400 people in our town. It was such a tragedy that everyone seemed to be in a daze.

    Maybe he is depressed and needs to see a doctor.

    Take care of yourself.

  • Karen

    This may sound inhumane or heartless,but I really do not care if the alcoholic in my life hits rock bottom or not,I could care less. My focus is on me and how to fix me and move on with my life without him. After reading all the responses from all of the lessons on the “A” I now have a clear understanding of their disease. That is the “A”‘s issue,not mine. The physical and mental effects that he had on my life is far more important to me to fix than even considering his issues. He can rot in a dich somewhere for all I care. The lies,the blackouts,the degrading remarks,the broken promises,the anger and anxiousness he created in my life far exceed his issues. Maybe someday I will be able to forgive him,but not at this point. I have been going to Al-Anon and have learned many things about myself and with the support of others I will be fine.

  • Nikki

    Karen ! High fives through your pc!! Enough blame , guilt , emotional torture for us ! I’m hearing u! Let’s move on and live life for us 🙂 very well said. Will not waste any of my time or energy on an alco, have already wasted too many years living in hope things would change . HA ! Silly me 🙁

  • Karen

    Hi Nikki,
    Thanks for the compliment. Although we must never loose HOPE as hope is what helps sustain us in all we do in life. I have no hope for the “A” only for me and my life. I still have a good cry now and then to release some of the fond memories which must be grieved and processed which helps me move forward. I am so glad that I found this website as I have learned many new things and to know that ALL the sharing that occurs has so many common traits amongst us. I know that I am not alone in this situation and that I am not the crazy one. I am begining to feel and experience the serenity,the peace,the quiet,and to be comfortable alone with me. I have neglected too many things in my life over the past 5 months that I was on the verge of losing my job,my family, and my sanity. I even found it difficult some days to look at myself in the mirror for fear of what I would see looking back at me. Now I make myself look in the mirror and say out loud…hello Karen and welcome back to your life. I constantly reassure myself that I will be ok and to be patient with myself and only think about getting thru today. I know that I am a good person and I did not like what was happening to me when I reacted to the “A”‘s negative comments about me.
    Take care

  • Laura

    I am SO glad I found this site and all of your very helpful comments! I have been living with my fiance now for almost 2 years and his drinking is not EVERY day, but I know he has a drinking problem…and is an alcoholic! Things have gotten worse lately and like most people in this situation, I get blamed for everything. It’s killing me because I really truly do love him with all my heart and can’t imagine my life without him in it. He is a good man with a good heart, and makes me laugh. We get along SO well…when he stays away from alcohol. When he drinks, he’s obnoxious, crude, won’t stop talking and I can’t even look at him…it hurts and makes me so sad to see him drunk. We have been separated for just a few days now because I felt that it had turned into a vicious circle the way it was going. Now I am finding myself worrying about him, is he ok, is he driving drunk, where is he, etc. So either way…I’m stressed over his drinking. ;(

  • C

    Laura: Your post reminds me of what I experienced. I feel sad that you are stressed.

    Please write a list of things you want to do – what is your passion? Take a day trip and start being with people who make you laugh.

    I went back twice after leaving my A, and each time it was worse – didn’t think it was possible but it is! Don’t put yourself in harm’s way.

    I believe they just can’t help being abusive – they are in a fog. I don’t drink and can’t imagine being out of control on a regular basis.

  • Laura

    C: Thank you for your kind words. I actually made him leave for a while, so he can figure out if he wants me or alcohol. (it’s my house) He is not physically abusive and I know he would never hurt me physically. My problem is all emotional. He told me 2 weeks ago that I was right, he does need to stop drinking, and he now realizes he has a problem and will get help. Things were great for the last 2 weeks because he did stop drinking, he had promised. Friday night he broke his promise. I also believe he is bipolar, he said he would go to the Dr. – just hasn’t gone yet. I know this because my ex-husband was bipolar, and I lived with that for 8 years prior to our divorce. Why I seem to be attracted to bipolar men….I’ll never know!!

  • Laura

    Caitlyn: Can you give me an example of what you mean when you said: “Remember that for any situation where someone is being verbally vicious and unnecessarily untrue. By throwing their false accusations back at them in a loving way, truth stands tall alongside love. Let them be your guide.”
    How do you throw their false accusations back at them in a loving way??? Thank you Caitlyn! ; )

  • Nikki

    G’day Karen and other readers…very well said !!! Omg we are on the same page exactly . There were many teary days for me, but the more confidence I get, and the more I read about “a’s” , I have grown to realize nothing was my fault!!
    I have such good support here which helps heaps .
    I am learning that I am not a bad person, just went through a massive learning experience . Funny thing, my dad is exactly the same!! They say often girls marry their fathers…. Never again will I get involved with an “a” … I am so happy on my own with my 3 girls . He has already moved on, got girlfriend … Good luck to them !
    All the best !

  • Tom

    Great comments. I have been living a nightmare hell with my 50 year old AH wife for past year. Came on suddenly. Closet drinker. With two kids, it is especialy tricky. Blaming everyone for her troubles. She’s been to detox, 28 day rehab, and destroyed relationships with life-long friends. Anger, violent. What the hell is Rock bottom? I have read countless books, and now going to start al-anon. Learned to detach, but she just wants to drag me into a fight.

    When I take the kids out of the house during her binges, she gets mad as hell., and calls everyone I know.any help dealing with an 8 and 13 year old victims would be helpful.

  • Sandy

    Hi Tom – I’m not a parent, but the only suggestion I have is to maybe get your children some help too such as Al-Ateen or something; they need to understand that what their Mom is doing is not their fault either . . my heart goes out to you; that is one thing I’ve been thankful for while dealing with my AH is that I don’t have children in the middle of it . . it can really wreck havoc with a child watching an alcoholic parent; you will be in my prayers . . I hope your wife wakes up soon . . as I keep repeating . . tough love, it’s hard but it works . . take care . .

  • As many times as I read this article about blaming others for their problem it does not want to sink in. I have a difficult time accepting this. My exhusband has been out of the house for 6 months and still blames me for everything. He spraned his ankle and that was my fault because if we did not divorce it would have not happened. He has high blood pressure and that is my fault. He is out of money and not wisely spending again my fault. His daughter speaks to him disrespectful and I am doing a crappy job raising her. WHEN DOES IT EVER STOP?????? I do not point fingers or bother him when things go wrong. Things happen figure it out and move on to the next situation. I have one wish and that is to get in his brain and track his thinking.

  • Sandy

    Hi JoAnne – I can sympathize, I too am dealing with a “blaming” issue myself-about 5 months ago my AH got really drunk one night and abusive, I called 911 and had him arrested; when he got out he joined AA and has been doing very well except for a couple hiccups – but financially we are sinking with his court fees, bail bond fees, attorney fees etc. in addition to our regulars bills, just scraping by . . I know and feel he blames me for our financial burdens, I’m feeling guilty as well because we were doing ok prior to the arrest – but I’m trying to focus on the fact that IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT HE GOT ARRESTED . . it’s his fault because it took that for him to get help . . so trying very hard to accept that our financial struggles are on him and not me . . and maybe deep down he knows this and is still trying to turn things around on me so he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt of the situation ?? only he and God know the answer to that one . .

  • Hi Sandy, thank you for responding. I know I am not alone out there. 1 out of 12 people are alcoholics. At least my husband did not physically abuse me because he know I would not hestitate to call 911. The embarrassment alone would have did it for him. I know alot of his anger is based on him doing all the things I did and he took me for grated. He knows that I am stronger than he is in all aspects of living. He as found a girlfriend that is a bartender which fits his life style. Someone that hold the same hours he does and pours him his choice of drinks. What a match made in heaven…..He always told me I was his ticket to heaven and I am trying to get out of the hell he has made for me in my mind and heart. I pray every day for him to fall and find the help he needs. I know God hears me since he has made me the person I am and the straight behind the decisions I make each day for myself and my 13 year old daughter. I wake up each morning and say to God please lead me another day.

  • Laura

    Hi Joanne,
    I can definitely relate to what you are going through…but if you get one wish, I hope you won’t use it on trying to figure out his thinking. At one point I wanted to try and figure mine out as well, but I realized the harder I tried the more I got sucked in to the whole blame game. I also just realized last week that when he comes home drunk, the more I got mad, upset, or cried, the more he seemed to “feed” off of it! Last week, I had to go to Dallas to train some people for my job, and for those five GLORIOUS days I felt like myself again, happy, energetic, slept well, and didn’t once have that sick feeling I always have in my stomach! I hadn’t felt those feelings for months!! As soon as I got back home, things went right back to the opposite of all the above. I know God sent me on that trip to Dallas to help me learn to “detach” and find the good, happy, positive woman that I knew I still was, during those 5 days! Now that I can see and understand what was happening I’m not letting him “suck me in” anymore, I don’t get mad, and I don’t try to make any sense, or try and figure him out. I tell him “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away. It has already made a difference…with him, AND for myself. I know that none of the things he says (especially when drunk) mean anything and it’s “his” problem…not mine. It does still make me sad because I love him very much, and knowing I may not be spending the rest of my life with him, as we planned to, but I know I have to accept that may happen – because “I” can’t change him…only he can. As long as “you” know that you are not to blame for any of the things he says then that’s all that matters. Because the whole vicious circle will continue – “if” you let it, and he is not going to see the truth…until he gets help for himself.

    Take care of yourself….and maybe make a “new” wish! ; ) I will keep you in my prayers!

    The reason I am to the point I am right now, is because of my faith in God, and also because of this website…and I am so grateful to both!!

    Many blessings,

    Laura

  • THANK YOU SANDY, MAY GOD KEEP LEADING YOU. YOU SOUND SO HEALTHY. I KNOW HE IS THERE FOR ME BECAUSE I DO FEEL IT. MY LIFE WITHOUT THE EXHUSBAND IS MUCH BETTER WITH MY DAUGHTER, HOME AND FAMILY. MY HEART STILL HURTS SO MUCH AND I AM MOURNING THE LOSS OF THE MAN I MARRIED. I WAS A WIDOW AT AGE 28 WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND THAT LOST HIS BATTLE WITH CANCER. I LOST MY SECOND HUSBAND TO ALCOHOL. I DON’T WANT BATTLES NO MORE…..I NEED TO BE DONE WITH MY PITTY PARTY. BEING OF SOUND MIND I CANNOT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND LOVING THE BOOZE OVER WIFE AND CHILD. O MY LORD HELP ME!….
    I TOO AM GRATEFUL TO THIS WEBSITE. I KEEP READING IT OVER AND OVER HOPING IT SINKS IN DEEPER AND DEEPER.

    JOANNE

  • Laura

    Wow Joanne, I just wrote in my journal today that “I feel as though I am mourning the death of Patrick”, my fiance’ (well, most likely “ex” fiance’). Most people call him Pat, and that is what I call him now, Pat. Patrick, the man that I fell in love with, and now Pat, the different man that took over. By doing this, it’s making it easier for some reason, that I am not ending things with Patrick, the man I love, I’m ending things with Pat, the man that I do not know, or like, and the person that does not deserve to be with me anymore. I think that is what was making this hard to accept, that I was giving up on the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But now, I am seeing him as a stranger, and I don’t know who he is anymore, and know I can not live this way with this new “Pat”. I’m a true believer that everything happens for a reason…I am not going to say that Patrick and I are never going to be together again, because if he went for help/treatment and he agreed to Christian counseling, I would probably give him another chance if it wasn’t too late. But I decided to give it all to God and trust that He is guiding me His way and whatever happens will be what’s best for me…and for Patrick!

    It does help to read these posts from others that feel the same as we do…and it DOES start to sink in! I’m sorry you have gone through so much in your life, but just try to remember, God has a plan for your life as well, and as long as you believe that with all your heart…He’s going to bless you in ways you can’t even imagine! It’s happened before to me, and He has always made me a stronger, and better woman!! You WILL get through this, just like we all will if we keep our faith!! I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!! Stay strong Joanne!! ; )

    Laura

  • I AM WRITING THIS MORNING AS JUST REURNED FROM MY SON’S FUNERAL IN CA. I AM IN TEXAS AND FOR THE LAST 22 MONTHS I HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO THIS PERSON WITH THE MIND OF EINSTEIN AND SUCH A GOOD PERSON. EACH TIME I ASKED HIM IF I COULD COME THERE AND HELP HIM WITH HIS HOUSE THAT HAD BEEN DAMAGED BY CA FIRES AND RAIN AND WAS BEING REPAIRED THROUGH INSURANCE,HE SAID NO, I AM FINE MOM. WELL, APPARENTLY HE WAS NOT BUT I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE PUT ON A GUILT TRIP AS HE HAD 2 GROW DAUGHTERS NEARBY WHO ALSO SAID HE IS OK GRANDMOTHER! THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT WHEN HE VISITED HE DID HAVE HIS “COLD ONES” FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, BUT HAD SUCH A STRESSFUL JOB HE THOROUGHLY ENJOYED. I DID NOT EVEN THINK “HE” COULD BE AN ALCOHOLIC. UPON GOING TO THE FUNERAL AND PUTTING HIM TO REST AND AWAY FROM THE DEMONS, I FOUND OUT HE WAS AND HD MANY HEALTH ISSUES THAT HE DID NOT FULLY TELL ME ABOUT, EVEN THOUGH HE HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL MANY TIMES THE PAST 2 YEARS. HE DID LOSE HIS JOB AND FOUND ALSO COULD HAVE BEEN BECAUSE OF THE ALCOHOL. I WILL NEVER KNOW. MY SONS WHO ACCOMPANIED ME, I AMD CONVICED NOW ARE ALCOHOLICS ALSO AS THEY EITHER STARTED THE MORNING WITH THE ALMIGHTY DRINK ND OR FINISHED THE EVENING WITH THE ALMIGHTY DRINKS..ONE IS MARRIED AND ONE IS NOT, BOTH IN YOUNG 50’S. NOW I AM CONCERNED AND DO NOT WANT TO ATTEND ANOTHER FUNERAL THAT IS ALCOHOL RELATED. TRYING TO FIGURE A WAY WITHOUT THEM THINKING I AM ACCUSING, BUT WANT THEM TO KNOW I LOVE THEM AND WANT THE BEST FOR THEM. MAYBE IN A FEW DAYS,I CAN FIGURE SOMETHING. IN THE MEANTIME, THEY FELT THEIR BROTHER WAS STRONG ENOUH NOT TO DRINK, BUT THEY ALSO ARE WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIAS AND DO NOT SEE THE HARM THEY AREDOING TO THEMSELVES. JUST WANTED TO POST..THANK YOU AND MAY SOMEONE BE WATCHING OVER OUR CHILDREN, WHETHER IT BE FRIENDS HUSBANDS OR OUR CHILDREN.

  • Sandy

    Well I know this blog has kind of fizzled in the last month; but I’m back and I have something to say . . things in my life have changed dramatically in the last few weeks and life has become a living hell again; my AH is still not drinking but he is the epitimy of a “dry drunk” . . all his old behaviors are back in full swing and I know he’s headed for a helluva a relapse . . everything that is going wrong is all my fault, he couldn’t blame me any more for things that are wrong in our life if he tried . . I only met him 3 years ago but yet I’m the reason he’s drank for 30 years . . now that’s rational thinking . . I want to leave him so bad but I can’t due to finances . . I’m so so so struggling with getting my codependency back in check, it’s in full bloom and running amock . . I can’t seem to control my reactions to him at all . . I’m afraid I’m going to do something crazy I’m so angry and frustrated with him . . I don’t deserve this . . what the hell am I waiting for???

  • Laura

    Sandy,
    I am so sorry you are going through bad times again…you are not alone, mine got even worse last weekend, he is “out” of the house now (most of his stuff too). I just was thinking to myself, would I give him a second chance if he got help and got better….then I went on facebook, to my homepage, and this popped up…..a quote that said:

    SOMETIMES GIVING SOMEONE A SECOND CHANCE IS LIKE….GIVING THEM AN EXTRA BULLET FOR THEIR GUN BECAUSE THEY MISSED YOU THE FIRST TIME!

    WOW!! Can you believe that??!! I guess that was God answering THAT thought I was having!

    Today is actually the first time during all of this mess that I actually feel MAD about what’s going on, how he’s acting/treating me etc. – I guess I am FINALLY getting sick of it….or I am just out of tears!!

    I will keep you in my prayers Sandy! HUGS!!

    Laura

  • Sandy

    OMG!!!! “SOMETIMES GIVING SOMEONE A SECOND CHANCE IS LIKE….GIVING THEM AN EXTRA BULLET FOR THEIR GUN BECAUSE THEY MISSED YOU THE FIRST TIME!” what an awesome affirmation . . I love affirmations and this one is a keeper . . thank you so much for sharing . . this is exactly how I’m feeling today; by hanging around to give him another chance all it’s going to end up doing is causing me more heartache and that is EXACTLY how I feel . . I’m trying sooooooo hard to be strong and not enable and be codependent but I’ve got a long way to go and I’m only human . . I see all the relapse warning signs and he’s oblivious . . going to just try and do nothing . . that’s what I have to do . . for my own sanity . . I can’t control his recovery anymore than I can his drinking . . . thank you again . . God Bless . .

  • Karen

    I absolutley love that affirmation of the “SECOND CHANCE”. That is just what i did recently and gave him a second chance. At first it was an improvement from the previous one. But, in a flash he became the “pricky,mean,sarcastic,bitch of an “A”. This is one of the personalities of him that presents itself once in awhile and this behaviour lasts for a week or more. Then the “mellow” personality comes out to play for awhile and the “A” is peaceful and calm to be around with very little to say. In this phase he is the needy person and needs help to get things done,such as his laundry and help to clean his apartment.Combined in this phase is the “pity-pot” person and how shitty their life is.Then the “manic” personality comes out and the “A” is off and running. This personality can and does drive me crazy. He will shower,shave,put on colonge and thinks he is a special gift. This is the the phase where he loves me and cannot be without me and that he finds peace and calmness with me. He can go non-stop in this manic phase for a few days with little to no sleep.Their are more “sub-personalities” that also present themselves. These personalities drive me crazy,he is like “cybil” Whenever I talk to him I find myself trying to figure out which personality is present or is there a combo in progress. This is just too much work!!!!!

  • John

    Sandy, I learned how to look at what the alcoholic was blaming me for within the light of truth. I learned that here on this site somewhere. If what the alcoholic is saying about me isn’t true, I just smile and keep my mouth shut. That’s gigantic progress for me because I use to defend myself and argue with the alcoholic when they attacked my character with untruths. I’ve learned to step back, shut up and smile. Then I might say something like, “that’s your opinion” or “that’s not true.” I have learned that I must live within what I know is the truth and not let the lies that the alcoholic throws at me hurt me.

    Sandy, don’t let him step all over you like a door mat. Refuse to let these things penetrate to your inner being. Don’t own the lies that he throws at you. Alcoholics are just button pushers. Learn to recognize the buttons and you will be able to better control your emotions when he starts playing the blame game.

  • Laura

    Sandy, I’m glad you enjoyed it! It pretty much says it all!! But….although I posted that at 3:07pm, felt better, stronger, and even a little angry, and just 8 hrs. later….the tears won’t stop and all I feel is my broken heart! This is what I hate…the emotional roller coaster!! The problem is, my brain is processing what is going on…but my “heart” will not comprehend that less than a month ago he was talking about us getting married and wanting me to be his wife, to the way it is now with name calling, and horrible things he said to me this past weekend!! I did do something different this time, which is why I am sure he doesn’t want to communicate with me right now…when he came here drunk Friday night and in one of his “manic” episodes I recorded him with my cell phone, all of the horrible things he said to me, the names he called me, and the whole “Mr. Hyde” personality that shows up UNINVITED!! — and then I emailed the recordings to him. I did it for one reason…he never believes me when I tell him what he says or does when he gets like he does and tells me I am making it up, so I wanted him to hear it straight from his VERY LOUD, mean, nasty mouth. As you can guess, he didn’t like my idea very much, and of course got in his paranoia mode…that I’m out to get him!! But I pray, in the long run it will help him truly see how he gets when he drinks…on top of a manic episode, and will get help before he ruins his life completely!

    I am praying for all of us that are going through all of these roller coaster emotions, and heartache because of alcohol. I know God sees what we are going through and He has awesome plans for us going forward. Let’s try to keep each other strong and remind each other it is NOT our fault for “their” bad choices, and we do NOT deserve to be treated in the manner that our A’s treat us! I know I am a good woman…and I know he actually knows it too, he always said I was and even told others I was. But sometimes it’s so hard to remember that when they are talking in their alcoholic/bipolar language to us.

    Stay strong, pray, and know you are a beautiful person…no matter what!! HUGS to all of you!!

    Blessings,

    Laura

  • James

    Hi all. I’m brand new to this site. I need guidance. My fiancé (soon to be ex) is an alcoholic. I have been on a 5 year journey of some of the most extreme peaks and valleys in my life with her. I am divorced and have two kids that live with me 50 percent of the time. The verbal abuse, lies, blame, etc.. Has pushed me to breaking point. I found her 10 days ago at a dingy motel drunk as a skunk with feces on the floor. She has been taking that pill that makes u sick if you drink but she drinks right through it and throws up in the shower. I have hid this behavior from my kids for too long. She blames the drinking on my relationship I have with them and feels like she is #2 and not #1. Am I missing something here? She’s been to rehab twice , one of which I shelled out nearly $5k for and she still goes on these binges. My emotions over the years have gone from, pity, to why me, to accepting my fate to actual love to I’m sick of this! Hard to type on the iPad but just wanted to reach out to anyone who is going through something similar. She has moved out several times and always came back crying and I let her back. This is it though. When you attack my relationship with my kids, I will not stand for that anymore! Most parents commend me for the great job I do and the love I show for them. She seems down right jealous. Help!!!

  • C

    James: Thank heaven you are devoted to your children. As you can tell from all the comments, an alcoholic will ruin any happiness and good health of everyone around them – they can’t help themselves!!

    For now, keep your focus on your children and yourself. Get everything in order and go forward. Your fiance is a disaster and believe everyone above, it will continue to get worse. Your children deserve a life of joy and adventure – sit with them and plan special day trips.

    Wishing you great health and a wonderful future.

  • Laura

    Hi James,
    How awful for you to have to go through all of that with your children. My heart and prayers go out to you. You sound like an awesome dad, AND a wonderful man to your fiance’, you’ve helped her as much as you possibly could…and then to not see any results must be very frustrating! I am going through some pretty major depression lately, as I am a giver and a fixer…and knowing there is nothing else I can do for him and that I can not “make” him get better, or change him to who he was just a few months ago is killing me. But I know I can’t.

    C is right…no matter what, anything that’s good, or happy, or positive – they seem to screw it up every time! Since mine has started drinking, he seems most happy when he sees me cry, or get mad and upset…I think it really excites him!! I said to him the other day…”you actually get off on hurting me don’t you…tell me, do you actually @$%??? He thought that was really funny what I asked him…but I was totally serious! It’s really very sad!

    I mentioned before that I recorded him during his last episode a week ago tomorrow, you mostly hear him in it cussing, calling me names and saying horrible things…mostly you hear me crying and trying to get him to leave, and maybe commenting on a couple of things he was saying. I asked him the other day, did you listen to the recording I emailed you?? And get this….he said “yes, I did…and you didn’t sound too good in it” I truly thought it would wake him up to hear what he actually does when he drinks on top of one of his manic episodes…and that’s what I got!! If that isn’t denial…I don’t know what is!! I tried my best, and that’s all I can do…but at the same time, for some reason…I still love him and pray he changes and gets help! How do I still love someone that treats me like he has for the last 2 months?? That is the question I keep asking myself…and for the life of me I can not answer it, except for I met him when he did NOT drink, and had been sober for quite a while. So I got to see the “real” him, but now he isn’t that person anymore. My AF doesn’t sound as far gone as yours yet, and we don’t have young children at home…and I can tell you know what the most important thing for you to do is! Protect your children! I hope and pray that everything gets better very soon for you and your children!

    I struggle everyday with this – one minute I feel mad, fed up, done with him and all of this, and then 15 min. later I am crying like a baby because I remember all the good things that brought us together in the beginning. I know God will get me through this, and I’m praying for a miracle for him to wake up…and it could happen for yours as well…but I think we just have to realize we can’t live our life holding our breath…that it will.

    I am going to keep you, your kids, and your AF in my prayers James – keep reading the posts on here…it sure helps me to read them when I am feeling depressed about everything! (HUGS)

    Laura

  • James

    Thank you C and Laura! Reading your posts bring a sense of calm to me I haven’t felt in a while. Sometimes I feel all alone. I am ashamed of what I accept. I always thought that I am just a very forgiving person but it took a therapist a few years back to make me realize what I am. I am an adult child of an alcoholic. My mom and dad were both alcoholics (both dead due to alcoholism)which caused/ forced me into foster care. I was in and out of homes that also had foster parents as alcoholics. This type of living environment/upbringing has jaded my mind and made me confuse pity for love. I have noticed that every intimate relationship I have been in, I am attracted to the persons problem not their attributes. By nature, I tend to want to help because of what I was around.. I have been a miracle of God so to speak. I am a very successful business person. I volunteer at church, coach my daughters teams, don’t smoke, don’t drink and stay in shape. I deserve better. It has taken me 5 years to finally stand up for myself with her. I always fought her verbal abuse word for word and realize u can’t rationalize with an alcoholic. She has attacked me, tried to punch me in the face, choke me, kick me in my sleep and I just try to calm her down instead of fight back or leave. I had enough of her shit. She would ridicule me for saving my daughters first baby tooth, say my relationship with my daughters are creepy, etc…….I can’t believe I put up with it for so long! I’m done with the slamming of the doors, walls punched in, doors broken, car accidents, jail, arrests, police, court, DUI’s. I’m done with it all. I can’t put up with her lying to her family about me. To think I was going to accept my fate and marry her! Thank god she called it off during one of her drunken rants. After a few months, we made a mends and tried working on it again but fell short and I put her in rehab when i found her puking on the bedroom floor with the door locked, banging on the floor, rolling in puke all the while when my kids were in there rooms in bed! her family arrived and drove her to the hospital where she blew a .5! She could have died. She blamed that outburst on how i treat her when my kids are around. basically feels like an outsider. that is so far from the truth. when she went to rehab I told the kids she went to visit family out of state. I covered everything up. She came back and two weeks later found her drunk again…..and then again…..and then again….and then found her in a motel with shit on the floor naked from the waste down. Still took her in and then ten days later, found her drunk again while watching my kids when I stepped out to go to the doctors! My daughter had a friend over but that didn’t matter. All I’m saying is that I’m fed up and finally found the courage to stand up for myself just by reading these posts on this web page. I plan to attend al anon meeting soon as we’ll. she is moving all her crap out this weekend. Thank god. I realize that I cannot fix her or feed her her pill. Or driver her to AA or pay for her rehab. She needs to do it on her own. I was just an enabler. I deserve better and so does everyone else on this blog page.

  • Sandy

    Wow was just catching up on the posts and saw Karen’s from 11/7 – OMG girlfriend; are we married to the same alcoholic . . I refer to mine as Jekyl and Hyde . . it’s exactly how I feel “who will he be tonight” . . and I don’t know how he can swing so fast from someone low key and in a good mood to all of a sudden putting me 6 feet under with his eyes and wanting to rip my head off; it’s very scary and I’ve wondered if mine is bi-polar for sure . . now he’s been mellow for a few days; so I expect a big blow up possibly sometime over the weekend . . and howwwwwwwwwwww did they learn to turn everything around and make is all our fault and not theres . . damn they are good at that . . and I get angry too when he changes personalities . . . you just want to scream don’t ya? Unfortunately I lose my cool and usually do scream at him which is the worst thing I can do . .

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