Alcoholics Blaming Others for Their Problems

One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.

Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?

Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.

What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?

Alcoholic Pointing FingerWell, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.

It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.

Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.

How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems

I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.

By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.

When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.

It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”


363 comments to Alcoholics Blaming Others for Their Problems

  • Sandy

    And John I just read your posted response to me about just smiling and not engaging him; it is excellent advise and something I have got to get a handle on. I think my biggest problem is I have no self esteem left; so any attack on me personally just sends me over the edge; my feelings are hurt and I need to make him see his mistake . . like that ever happens . . all that happens is things get worse and we end up in a raging war . . so I am trying to step back and focus and remember that fighting with him accomplishes nothing; I definitely get better results when I don’t engage . . so why is this so darn hard to do?

  • Sandy

    James – you and your children are in my prayers – good for you for being devoted to your children, if more parents were like you the world would be a better place regardless of these damn alcoholics in our lives. The only piece of advise I would like to throw in the ring is this . . “Let go and let God” . . and coming from me that is almost a joke as I’m terrible at letting go and leaving my AH to his life and consequences of such . . but in order to survive without becoming a blithering idiot you have to . . I’m about 50% there . . it’s not an easy road . . but if you love her, let go and let her hit bottom . . I’m a firm believe that’s where they have to go for them to want help . . I put my AH in jail for beating me and he still hasn’t what I’d say hit bottom . . he’s sober . . but he’s a very mean dry drunk and has now quit AA . . he’s headed for a relapse; and I’m prepared for when he does . . he will lose everything this time; tough love baby . . tough love . . God bless . .

  • sc

    Sandy, my father (dry drunk) used me as a scapegoat…so, I have a real need to be understood.

    My xah would blame me, I would try to explain, defend or get mad and it made it worse. I analyzed how our fights
    would develop, I then explained it to him…hoping WE would
    start having an understanding of each other and a good marriage. I explained this to him on two different occasions, first time he said he understood, the second time he said
    no, he didn’t see it. Lie. It never got me anywhere.

    I learned in therapy…when someone does or says something
    and you react …then; they can focus on what you did wrong and not what they did wrong. So…I then decided to just not react to him. After a few times of doing this, he
    would watch what he said. But, then, he would sulk and I could feel the angry inside of him. I would ask if he was mad (to clear the air) and he would say no, he was tried or did not feel well. Lie.
    Six hours and two drinks later (started drinking around 6:00) he would find something to get mad about. Then, I stopped asking if he was mad. Six hours and two drinks later he would explode.

    I am not a passive person; it is very hard for me not to react to people. I always feel…you’re not going to talk to me
    like that. A friend once told me, just remember, you are not doing it for them, you’re doing it for yourself.

    There is no way out of the circle and you never know when Hyde
    will show up. The best thing to do is find out what makes you feel better and do that.

  • Mar'Sha

    Sandy, I’m going through the same thing. My boyfriend is a alcoholic. I love him but I am to the point I’m ready to leave him
    He bland be all the time for stupid things. We end up having a argument and if it’s doing the weekend he won’t talk to me until the weekend is over he blame me for not eating when I make dinner he won’t eat. i don’t know what to do anymore I suggest be go to AAA and I will go with him but he tells me he can stop anytime he wants. Any suggestions he wants to get engage but I don’t think it’s a good idea.

  • Sandy

    SC – you said a few things that really hit with me – one of them is if you react it helps them to focus on you and not themselves, this is something I’m slowly starting to learn and get better at but like you . . I’m anything but passive . . when you confront me I defend myself . . and then things escalate and get ugly . . and who in the long run who does that hurt . . me . . sure not him; he thrives on the fighting . . but . . when I don’t respond . . and it’s worked every single time . . if I walk away and let him stew on what he’s done and said . . he comes to me a bit later and apologizes and accepts responsibility . . so I know it works, why is it so hard to do it??? And then I get mad at myself when I let him get to me . . arrgghhhh . . it’s so complicated and exhausting . .

  • Laura

    Sandy (and really everyone else that is going through dealing with an A), I have come across a book that I just ordered (I read the first chapter online), it’s called “Unglued – Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions” by Lysa TerKeurst. The book just came out in August, 2012. It looks awesome! Maybe whoever does get this book, we could make a little “group” and read it together and talk about it, kinda like one of those reading groups, but just “online”. Let me know if you want to do that. I just thought it might be a way to share our feelings, thoughts, and be able to talk about it with others that are going through the same thing. If not, that’s ok…I just wanted to tell you about the book because it looks like it could really be something that could help us through this horrible, confusing roller coaster life with an A.


  • Julie

    Laura, That sounds like an awesome idea. I am going to get this book. Reading books like these have actually helped me see reality in the midst of insanity and to make better choices for me and my children. If a discussion group starts on this book I’d be interested in joining it.

  • Laura

    Hi Julie,
    I am glad you liked the idea. I ordered mine from Amazon and with shipping it was only $12.21. I should get mine by Tuesday, I can’t wait to read it! Even if no one else is interested, you and I could maybe chat on IM or my email is Hope to talk to you soon! Have a blessed weekend.


  • Julie

    Thanks Laura I am on Yahoo IM too I’ll add you as a contact and then we can do it that way if no one else wants to join.

  • Sandy

    Hi Laura – yes great idea, I just added the book to my wish list on Amazon, got to wait for pay day before I can buy it – but it looks like exactly what we need for sure . . and I’d love to start an online group to talk about it . . sounds like a total plan – this week has been fairly quiet at my house, always worry that it’s the calm before the storm but trying hard not to think like that and jinx myself . . my AH was mellow most nights until last night and he came home raging about his job; at least it wasn’t about me . . but I’m hoping things continue like this through the holidays; we are living paycheck to paycheck but I still want to enjoy turkey day and Christmas . . God Bless . .

  • Julie

    I just added to my wish list too. Gonna wait til i got the mortgage paid here and then in the next week or so I’ll go ahead and purchase it. In the meantime I may look at the library.Sandy go ahead and add me to your IM if you have Yahoo IM. I am sure you will have an awesome turkey day and Christmas.

  • Laura

    Sandy, that’s great! I’m glad things have been quiet at your house, and I pray for you that it continues. My AF has been gone now since Oct. 28, and although I’m glad I haven’t had to see him drunk, but I miss him SOOOO much. Now with Thanksgiving coming I haven’t been doing so great these past few days. I found a wonderful prayer website ( I sent a prayer request this morning and already so many people are praying for him. It’s very comforting to read the comments/prayers that people have written. I pray for you to have a very happy and blessed Thanksgiving and look forward to talking more when you get your book. Blessings and Hugs, Laura

    Julie, I did get your IM request and have accepted. I look forward to chatting with you, and if you ever just need to talk feel free to IM me anytime. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving and hope to talk to you soon. Blessings and Hugs, Laura

    I was wondering where both of you live?? I live in Missouri.

  • Julie

    I got your request too and have accepted it. Talk to you soon. I live in Ohio. Fall is my favorite time of year and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Probably because I love to bake and cook. Looking forward to it. God Bless you both. Hope to talk to you soon.

  • Sandy

    Hi Julie . . what is your Yahoo address . . mine is :o) thanks

  • Sandy

    I will let you both know that IMing will be hard for me, since I usually only use the computer when I’m at work M-F and I work customer service so it’s hit or miss 🙁 I live in West Sacramento, CA . . I was born and raised in Boulder CO . . but lived in CA for over 30 years . .
    I hope you both and everyone else on this site have a wonderfully blessed Thanksgiving and that things will be quiet and good for everybody too . . take care all . .

  • Julie

    Sandy it is I’ll add you as a contact. 🙂 Well I guess we can figure soemthing else out for the discussions if that won’t work for you.

  • Laura

    Sandy and Julie,
    I thought of something, we could do like a conference call, where we are all on the same line together! ; )


  • Laura

    I could sure use some prayers right now…my AF, obviously EXAF came over yesterday and was CRAZY, manic time again! He has some things still here at my house, I had to call 911 and the police came. They told me I need to go get a restraining order, so I guess I will be doing that today. I am devastated, and so hurt beyond words. I am pretty much a very strong woman, but this has broken my spirit and I am praying for God to restore it for me. Anyone that prays to Jesus, please include Patrick…and myself in your prayers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! (what’s left of it). Blessings to all of you, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!


  • Julie

    Oh my gosh, Laura. So sorry to hear you had to go through all that. Stay strong and I wish you the best with the restraining order. I have been in that boat before and I know it is very emotionally trying. You are in my prayers and so is Patrick.

  • James

    Hi Laura. Hang in there. That has happened to me twice regarding the restraining order. Stupid me, I never pulled the trigger when the police said I should. I was hoping she would change and she never did. Go with your gut. If you are considering a restraining order, you know deep down inside that there is an issue. Follow your natural instincts and I recommend to not confuse pity with love. I was in denial for years. Be strong and make the right choice. My prayers are with both of you. God bless.

  • Laura

    Thank you Julie and James for your kind, and supportive words. I appreciate them so very much! Also, thank you for your prayers. This has been the most unbelievably horrible thing I have ever had to go through, and I just want it to stop!! I pray you are all doing better than I am.


  • Sandy

    Hi Laura – was in your place approximately 6 months ago . . my AH got drunk, threatened me and my 87 yr old mother . . was throwing me around our bedroom and beating on my chest . . I got away from him after nearly pushing him through a wall and called 911 . . this was my 2nd time to do this . . the first time I had no marks on me so nothing was done; this time was different . . they took him off to jail, took full reports from me and my Mom . . and I know this will make you all cringe, but I went down the next morning and bailed him out; financially I wasn’t in a position to lose his income and since he is a functioning alcoholic he had a decent job . . now the good news is . . he started AA and quit drinking . . he’s had a couple hiccups . . and still dealing with some denial and suppressed anger . . but no violence at least . . all I can tell you is to not feel guilty for what you did . . you did the right thing . . and it may have been the best thing in the world to happen to him . . God is with you and so are all of us . . we are here whenever you need us . . just focus on continuing to take care of you . .

  • Karen

    I feel like I am the crazy one for putting up with all this nonsense from the AB. he was so drunk last week that he almost slammed me in the face with his fist and now he claims that I am lying and no such thing happened. What is that all about?? I can never dicuss anything with him as he tells me to shutup and puts the focus back on me and blames me for all that goes on his life. I will not do this anymore. He has managed to creep into every aspect of my life slowly. He pulls me close then pushes me away depending what personality is in play. I am so saddened by all of this and my mind is so preoccupied with the A-hole. Someone please help me.

  • Laura

    Hi Sandy, thank you so much for your supportive words. I am so happy for you that yours starting going to AA, what a blessing! I wish mine would…he won’t even talk to me right now, because he still blames me for everything that has gone wrong for him…even “why” he started drinking again. I’m sure if he is constipated today, that’s my fault too!;) What drives me so nuts is that I actually “miss” him. But I know what I’m missing is how he and I were 6 mo. ago before he started drinking again. I’m sure if he came back right now, I would just want him to leave again. I am trying to work on me right now, it’s just really difficult…I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Yesterday I had a locksmith re-key all of my locks…$200 worth, ughhh. I just wasn’t able to bring myself to get the restraining order…But at least I know he can not just come in when he chooses and take things…or something worse. I am happy for you and I hope his recovery continues for him….and for you!

    I just got my “Unglued” book in the mail yesterday! I hope you have a very happy and blessed Thanksgiving!!

  • Laura

    I can definitely relate to how you are feeling! When mine was manic and also came home drunk a few weeks ago…this time I actually recorded the WHOLE thing…his threats, his very horrible verbal abuse, etc. – I then emailed the recording to him, I prayed that if he actually heard for him self what he says and does it might wake him up. BUT…to my horrible surprise, he said NOTHING about him and what he said and did…when I asked him if he listened to it, he replied “yes, I listened to it, you sure didn’t sound too good!” I said “I” didn’t??!! He said “yeah, you were sounding pretty crazy!” All I said throughout the whole thing was…a lot of crying, begging him to leave, and to please stop calling me names and talking like he was. He didn’t say ONE word about himself! I was in total shock!
    It’s just all so very sad that we have to go through these feelings, and mind games. I just thank God I have my faith, and trust He is here to help me through it. I truly believe if I didn’t have that I would be in a mental institution! I pray for your AB to get the help he needs and show him the way to recovery! I went to a prayer request website (2 of them actually) and have literally 1000’s of people praying for my AF’s recovery across the whole United States. It’s all I have left to do…at least I finally realized that no matter what I want for him and wish I could help him…he can only want to help himself!

    I hope you have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving Karen!

  • Sandy

    Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers to keep my AH sober, it’s in his and God’s hands and I’m hoping for the best but only being cautiously optimistic. Now I need to say something to each and everyone of you that’s here sharing your life’s stories and experiences – this site is one of the best things to happen to me and I thank you all for all your support and compassion . . my wish today is that you will ALL have a very loving, quiet, and relaxing Thanksgiving . . no drama from your A’s and that you can do whatever you need to do to find peach and enjoy the holiday with friends and family as it should be – my God bless you all and give you each and every one the strength that is needed to face each day with strength and love for yourselves . . everyone have a wonderful turkey day . . love to you all . .

  • Julie

    Laura let me know how “unglued” goes. I read the first chapter online as an excerpt from the book on a christian website selling it. But i need to wait for another pay before i can order it. So let me know how it is. I am looking forward to getting it too.

  • Karen

    Good morning,
    I was just reading over some of the comments/events to gain some daily strength from this great site.
    The AB in my life came to my condo a few days ago in the manic phase and acted like a complete fool,was rude to my neighbours,banging on my door and others door.He now is not allowed on this property at all. There are security cameras everywhere in this complex and if he does try the police will be called. I can assure you’s that he will challenge this. I hope he does!!
    So at least I know that I am now safe where I live. Of course it will be my fault as everything that happens to him is my fault. All is quiet for now as he is in the depressed mode,but when the manic phase sets in he will be in full bloom. I have blocked his number on my phone and will be looking to change the # on my cell phone. For some reason I am feeling a little unsettled this morning…it is a full moon afterall……look out,that’s when they really get wild and crazy.

  • JC

    Karen, it sounds like you’ve got a battle on your hands. Keep a protective shield over your heart and don’t allow him to to hurt you in anyway. It sounds like you are setting boundaries and detaching. If it’s at all possible, detaching with courtesy will help you in the long run. It’s good that you are aware of how alcoholics blame, don’t own it and remember, we don’t do guilt.

    Keep us informed. We will post your story if you would like more reader participation.

  • Elle

    What do you do when the alcoholic is supoposedly sober and continues to lie and blame you for things. The alcoholic is no longer in my life. Had to save myself, but I get ugly horrible texts from his girlfriend (who loves to assign blame) and from him…horrible lies. When does the blaming stop and he takes responsibility for what he has done?

  • Sally

    Elle, you know the answer to your questions. Your ex- will stop blaming and accept responsibility when pigs fly. Ignore the lies. What real difference do they make in your life? Why do you care what his current girlfriend does? So they tell lies – big deal. If you’ve read anything on this site, you know that if a career drunk’s lips are moving, they’re lying about something. Block the number or get yourself a new number, but step out of the craziness and leave your ex- to his fate. Since you had enough sense to get out, do yourself a favor and stay out of every facet of his life. It’s not hard to do, but you’re the only person who can do it for you. Now, go get that new number, and learn how to block certain numbers from calling or texting you! Best of luck!!

  • sc

    Elle, Alcohol is only the icing on the cake, take it off and you still have a cake.

    Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew have both said that an alcoholic will stop maturing at the age they started to drink. Once they guit, they then have to work on the inner self…like the rest of us have to. As long as they blame the other person
    then they don’t have to change , because they didn’t do anything wrong.
    There is alot of self help therapy on TV for us.
    Iyanla: Fix My Life (Oprah station) Woman, please watch.
    Dr. Drew Rehab and Intervention will teach you alot about alcoholism

  • C

    Elle: You have gotten great answers. I can tell you that no matter how angelic you are, how much you do for an alcoholic, the result will be the same. And, the longer you are with that person, the worse they will treat you. They don’t have a moral compass, and, playing by the rules you learned as a child does not apply to them.

    I know about trying to have a light conversation and having it turn into a royal battle!! It is like a switch is flipped and they come out fighting about nothing!

    Please find your passion and be happy. Be close to family and friends.

  • uncadiane

    I heard a longtime recovered alcoholic say that when you take the alcohol away from an alcoholic, all you have left is the “ick.” I never forgot that. They can get sober, but if they don’t do the work, they will remain icky.

    You have been told the right things. Block the texts, or get a new number. Be grateful he has a new woman in his life. Don’t waste time on his lies. Those who know/love you realize they are lies. Those who don’t know you don’t matter. Move on with your new life, and leave him to wallow around in his.

  • Elle

    Thank you all for your comments. Laura is right, I do know the answers and what I must do.

  • Elle

    I mean Sally 🙂

  • Sandy

    all I have left right now is the “ick” . . and it’s ICK overload let me tell you . . sober AH not working a program, dry drunk syndrome to the hilt . . sad and pathetic . . it’s amazing how my sober AH wakes up and is a decent human, comes home at night and the dry monster is back . . huh?

  • Deb

    I am glad you left him. I attended my first alanon meeting recently and it really did help. Its a very bizarre disease, because even when they are sober there really is something wrong with them. They appear to lack human kindness. Kindness appears to be devoid in the person of the alcoholic. They may be fair, try to pay bills in equitable manner but there is a true disconnect with a lot of what I find are normal human qualities. I don’t know if this is the result of brain damage from the alcohol or if over time they degenerate from their humanity until they are really borderline folks. For the first time in two month’s my alcoholic was not drunk on the weekend and when I walked through the door of the apartment I was ‘hit by something spiritually.’ It was dark. It comes from him. I have no clue what it is. This is apparently the ‘ick’ that you speak of when they are not drinking. I feel quite strongly that there is some kind of spiritual element to the illness an alcholic has and a friend who is a recovered alcoholic even admits this to me. I find it interesting to observe. Its a bit like one of those paranormal activities shows. What a strange so called disease this is!

  • sc

    I feel quite strongly that there is some kind of spiritual element to the illness an alcholic has and a friend who is a recovered alcoholic even admits this to me.

    I was ‘hit by something spiritually.’ It was dark.

    Please explain what you mean.

  • JC

    Deb, glad to hear you are attending Al-anon, keep going back. Your involvement there will reward you with a tremendous amount healing. You will discover more serenity in your life than you could have ever imagined, even if the alcoholic is drinking or not. It just takes vigilance and in time you will see what I am talking about.

    When the alcoholic gets sober they feel every thing. It can be a wild ride of ups and downs for a while, especially if they aren’t involved in a recovery program. At least in AA, the alcoholic learns that when they start blaming others for their problems, they should look in the mirror and realize that they are looking at the problem. I suppose the dark side of the disease, when the sober alcoholic is not treated with a recovery program, rears its ugly head through anger, blaming others, anxiety, depression and many other ways.

    Even if the recovering alcoholic doesn’t seem to posses much kindness, I can still make a decision to love without conditions. At the end of the day, if I’ve expressed love to others I always feel good about myself. There’s a saying in Al-anon: “Looking to the alcoholic for love is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.”

  • Nikki

    WOW is all I can say at the moment!! I am enjoying everyones insight and personal experiences…THANK YOU for sharing, I have been reading stories on this site for 6 months….and it has TOTALLY helped me 100% to make me feel I am not going crazy….AND it was NEVER my fault!
    DEB: You being “hit by something spiritually” my word the same thing happened to me, something inside me clicked, changed me forever, one time my ex alcoholic husband came home from work. I knew I had to leave leave this “existance” of pleasing him….but nothing I ever did was right anyway!! I was living with no emotion, as this was easier than having any feeling, as feelings would lead to discussions…lead to blame, guilt, anxiety,….then to violence.
    It has been a long hard road for me this last year, one I would never want to go through again….and never wish on anyone. But slowly I have become “ME” again. So happy!! Enjoying life without the constant negative “hover” and the put downs. it took a long time to get his voice out of my head of every negative opinion on anything I ever did, even as simple as cleaning the dishes!!! … My beautiful 3 daughters and myself are happy, safe and well and that is all I ever wanted…a peaceful life.
    Feeling blessed and excited about the future ! Happy 2013 to everyone.
    PS : JC I loved the bit you wrote re looking for love from an alco is like going to hardware store for bread LOL

  • James

    Hi all and Happy New Year! It is great to see all the chatter on this site again. It was slow for a bit.

    Deb: I just have one phrase for you…..let go and let GOD. I attend weekly AL-anon meetings and finally embraced this and I am finally healing. My ex fiance and I were together for five years and 2 months away from getting married…….twice! I didn’t want to give up, ever, until my kids starting to get affected by her destructive behavior. I would have died for this beautiful, 29 year old. She is gorgeous inside and out except for the major fact she has this disease of alcoholism. I can get into all if the stories but I don’t want to go there because my message revolves about letting go and letting God take over not about the abuse I have encountered.

    I wish you the best. This site has a bunch if very wise survivors of the disease. Some currently going through it and some, like myself are no longer physically with the person but still mending there souls. Continue read the posts and got to AL-anon. Both will make you realize you are not crazy! It is working for me.


  • JM

    Thank you for your stories. They helped me to understand that I am not the cause of someone’s drinking problem.

    I have been blamed as CRAZY, mental by my alcoholic partner, and it is his excuse to drinking excessively, he said.

    Until not long ago, every time he got drunk, which was almost every week thing. I reacted angrily, I then was blamed for mood swing, I was painted as a mentally ill.

    I believed a normal person would become angry when a man drunk on the couch every second day, snoring as loud as the thunder. There wasn’t any activity could be planned for both of us as he wouldn’t get up until after lunch.

    In some sense, it was true that I was mad, because it drove me to nerve break down.

    But not anymore! I’ve learned from your experiences, I should detach. I now no longer get angry to his drinking behaviour, let him to get the consequences of his drinking. Yesterday, he went to next door his drinking mate, drank all afternoon, on the way home, fell over on the driveway, broken head, bleeding. Unlike before, I didn’t bother to take him, his mate didn’t even care about him fell over. he was laying there for about a half hour, then he got himself up, managed to come in the house and sit down on the couch. Because he has some medical conditions, I called ambulance in case there might be brain damage. But I didn’t go with him to the hospital. Only later went to pick him up from the hospital. When in the hospital, I asked him: “Are you embarrassed that you are so drunk? “. He replied:”No”. I told him that I am embarrassed to be with an alcoholic.

    I agree with someone said earlier that the person stopped maturing when started to drink.

    Take care everyone.

  • Laura

    Hi everyone!
    This post is going to be much different than all of the other posts I’ve posted up to this point…ALL thanks to GOD…and this website! Since Oct. 29, for the last 3 1/2 months since my alcoholic left, and the 9 months prior to that have been the most horrible months in my life! I saw a totally different man that I fell in love with 2 1/2 yrs ago, I felt misery, hurt, betrayal…even the true devil in my home while he was drinking. He blamed ME for literally everything, I felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to “fix” him, tried to help him…obviously with NO SUCCESS…and that’s because I learned through all of your posts, that is NOT POSSIBLE, I realized that the A HAS to take that first step on their own…even if they have to hit rock bottom first. When he left, I was heartbroken and felt like a failure, and even though I am a Christian, I always prayed…until I let it go, I gave it to God, and asked Him to not only help my xaf, but to help ME, give me strength, and help me fix myself. In my heart, I knew he and I were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives, but told God that I will accept whatever HIS will for my life was supposed to be. I stopped conversation with my ex-alcoholic, texting, arguing, repeating the same things over and over and worked on myself, made ME stronger, and my faith stronger, and listened to all of you. Although my friend became what he had when he started drinking, prior to him losing his way, we did go to church together and he was a Christian. So even though I didn’t “speak” to him for the last 3 1/2 mo. since he left, I did email him some things that I would receive via email, or pages I belong to on facebook (positive, uplifting, spiritual things). I would copy and paste into his email, but would say nothing else. I continued to pray for him, had others, and prayer groups also praying for him as well. Over the last couple of weeks, he started texting me, seeming VERY different (for the better). I did text back, and we had some pleasant conversations, which that in itself was a miracle! Although in the past I “wanted” to be mad at him, sometimes wanted to hate him…God would not allow me to, I had already forgiven him, and did still love him. But I was cautious nonetheless. Then we started having actual conversations on the phone without blame or arguing…another miracle! 😉 He told me how bad things had been, personally and business wise. He also thanked me for the emails that I had been sending him and that they have been helping. Then, this past Thursday…the miracle of ALL miracles happened!! God was answering my prayers all along!! He called me and told me that he realized he can not drink alcohol, and will not ever drink a drop ever again, that I was right that alcohol truly did make him vulnerable to evil and he became a horrible person, and that he will get the help he needs. He was sorry for what he did and the pain he caused me, and for the blame. He told me how much he loves me and that I am the only woman that has ever stuck by him, and even still loves him. He told me if it hadn’t been for the emails I was sending him, he might not have made it, and couldn’t believe that he almost threw it all away. I’m happy to say that he is not my ex alcoholic anymore. I know, and he knows that there are going to probably be some tough times ahead, but if God can answer my prayers and show me a miracle…I can sure be thankful to Him enough to give the man I love a second chance! My point of this story (long one, sorry) is to show that not blaming yourself, letting go and giving it to God, continue to love…and not hate, and have TRUE faith…miracles CAN happen!! Not only is “he” even better than his old self before alcohol…so am “I”! As some cancer patients that I know say…NEGU!! Never Ever Give Up!! There is always HOPE!! Love and Peace to you all!

  • Debbi


    I am so very happy for you. . .it is wonderful hear that there can be “happy endings” sometimes.

    I’m a little envious because I know it is too late for my miracle but I sure am happy for you. Keep going strong the way you have been & I’m sure things will turn around in wonderful ways for you!

  • Laura

    Thank you Debbi,
    Just know that I too thought it was too late…it got VERY bad. It’s NEVER too late for God to step in, just keep praying, and give it to Him. I will keep you in my prayers as well!! Thank you for your kind words!


  • Debbi

    I appreciate your hopefulness for me but mine left me while I was in the hospital. Ran with (prostitutes & escorts) & later I found out 3 other women waiting in the wings for him.

    So I’d just be happy maybe one day to hear him say he made a mistake leaving me but highly doubtful when he can have all these younger women. . .most even younger than his 35 year old daughter.

    But thanks for hoping for me!

  • Laura

    I am so sorry to hear that…that is absolutely horrible and heartless and I understand now what you were saying. One day he will be sorry and realize he made a mistake, either when he’s living…or, when he faces Jesus…and then he’ll realize he made a HUGE mistake! In your situation it sounds like you are much better off without him…NO ONE deserves to be treated like that! My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers! Just know, and have faith that God has something much bigger and better for you!

    Laura <3

  • Ross

    Debbi, I understand how you feel.Mine did similar things and totally broke my heart and spirit.

  • karen

    Good morning everyone,
    Just reading over some of the posts regarding the “blame game”.
    This is so true and is another common denominator of the A personality,

    When this first started happening to me with the ABF, I thought ok I will do my best not to impose any of my life issues on him to keep things on the quiet side. As time went on I thought to myself..why am I trying to appease him and all that matters is his issues and not mine. Is this not a two way relationship….apprantly not..the A person is the most important person and nothing and no one else matters.

    I would be blamed if the sun did not come out or if it rained. He blamed me for the drinking in his life as I created turmoil for him…go figure!!

    He used to say to me that I was holding him “hostage”. I have no idea what that meant and still don’t and now I do not care.

    I personally find it difficult to show compassion to the A person, but all hope for me is not lost. Maybe as time goes on I will, but for now I do not, especially for him.

    I got tired of walking on “egg shells” for fear it would anger him and no matter what I did I apparantly managed to break the “egg shells” anyway. It was a lose-lose situation.
    And that my friends is too much work.

    Another thing that I have learned on this site is to be kind to myself. So, each day I say to myself “what are you going to do for Karen today” It could be getting a manicure done or even managing to make myself dinner rather than eating out. I even went on a tropical vacation with a friend and completely enjoyed myself and I also realized that the ex-ABF hardly entered my mind. And I also thought to myself that there is a life outside of the A relationsship.

    I find myself happier and singing to the music on the radio and even catch myself laughing at things that I hear on the radio/TV.

    Many people that I have spoken to regarding A’s have all said the same thing…turn away and run in the other direction fast and do not look back.

    For all of you’s that struggle daily and sit on the fence not knowing whether to stay or leave, my best advice is to leave..there is a better way of life waiting for you with no stress or anxiety. It can be done and never ever give up on HOPE!!

    have a great day and God bless all of you’s


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