Alcoholics Use Two Weapons | Anger Anxiety

If an alcoholic can keep you angry and anxious they are winning the battle. When a good friend in the alanon program explained to me that the two weapons that alcoholics use to keep the focus off of them selves are anger and anxiety, many things came to light. If you can get a hold of the truths I am about to share with you, things will change for the good in your life.

If the problem drinker can push your buttons and get you mad, then you are the one perceived as having the problem. The easiest way to start learning what those buttons are in your life is by starting to journal everyday. Keep it totally private and protect your journal. This is an amazing way to begin to recognize how the addict in your life is setting your temper off. Once you start seeing the methods that they are using to get you angry, you will be able to exert self control.

How to Shield Yourself From the Weapons that Alcoholics Use

1)    Stop defending yourself when they say something about you that is not true. When they use words like always, never, and every time, these are absolute statements that cannot possibly be true. When they throw those types of words at you, just respond by saying; “that’s not true.”  There is no need to express anything more on the subject. We must learn how to zip our lisp and save our breath. When you can get to the point of not reacting to all of the untruthful things they say, you will find living with an angry alcoholic will be a tad easier. Once you begin to defend yourself they just keep heaping the hot coals of anger on even more. Learn to put the fire out by not responding. Just to know in your own heart that what they are saying is not true is enough.

2)    Refuse to get mad when the try to push your buttons with anger and anxiety. This is why you must start journaling; it will help you control your own temper. When we are constantly reacting when they push our buttons, then the anger continues in both of you like gas being poured on a blazing fire. As you begin to say things like; “I’m sorry you feel that way,” then they have nothing to get mad about. This will eliminate a lot of anxiety in you because you will begin to have more self-control rather than being out of control. Relationship issues with alcoholics are many. Learning how to handle this one will help you greatly.

You can find a few weapons and shields of your own by going to support meetings. People in programs such as Al-anon know how to respond to the alcoholic’s anger and anxiety in positive ways so that less guilt is heaped on either person, the alcoholic or the family or friend. Just remember that they really do not want to be the way that they are. Try to love them with an undying love and do your best to not get angry. If your mess up, apologize to the alcoholic for loosing your temper and start over again. Arguing, getting angry and staying anxious is not going to make anything better.

What will work is not fighting with an alcoholic. If you think about it you’ve probably been having arguments for a long time, try something different for a change.

117 comments to Alcoholics Use Two Weapons | Anger Anxiety

  • Jennie Anne

    I have both Anxiety and Depression. This is the worst sickness that you could possibly have in this world.

  • Denise

    Hi Jennie, I hope that you can find some peace and joy in your life somehow through different activities that don’t cost you a thing except your time such as a walk outside, talking with other people with similiar problems is a big outlet of frustration also trying new recipes just to name a few. It is hard to shut your mind off to worry and feeling sad. When I start to feel like this I say to myself that I will not let the alcoholic in my life win by making me feel bad about me. Constantly I remind myself. Talking to yourself is healthy too by the way. Haha! good stuff though. Give yourself a pep talk. Out loud if you have to! I do it sometimes and I listen to my voice and follow through! If you look out your window today and see a little bird and think how they have to survive day to day.And they do it with singing! If they can pull through another day so can you! thinking of you Jennie.
    Have a good day!

  • Denise

    I just noticed that jennie’s post is from 2 years ago. I hope she has found joy in life!

  • Ross

    My husband was supposed to be a little over a month sober.He wanted to come home.
    But isn’t willing to keep to his word and wants to come home sooner. He is playing the shunning and withholding money game….again.Also, threatened divorce, again. I cant say he’s not serious.Apart of me is not super worried if he does.Except finances. (I have a car that doesn’t work and he backed out on signing for me, even though its literally taking one signature and transferring it to another.It still equals out to one loan,one LESSER payment. I still owe on my current one. I have no way to support myself.I cant even haul the weekly trash off.) So..can they still use the same tactics sober(supposedly-I don’t know now) as they do while active in their addictions? I feel he’d offered his regulatory band aid to the situation (as he did in years past) and I didn’t take him up on it.He’s mad. “Can a man love his wife and want to get back with her and still treat her so poorly??” Newly sober or not? (Or could he just want to come home for his own selfish reasons?…-i know you cant answer this one)

  • Elisabeth

    Ross – In my own experience, they don’t change even when sober unless they fully admit to and take responsibility for their behavior, and they have to work hard to be sober and to make amends. And it would take a lot more than a month for anything like that to happen. My alcoholic stayed sober for a while, but didn’t work any sort of program and never truly acknowledged his behavior, so he never did change. And he was surprised that our relationship didn’t really change.

  • Amy

    I just went to the store and bought a notebook I am going to start a journal as suggested..I hope it helps..I cant take much more of this..I wasnt even home 5 minutes tonight and he was trying to start a stupid fight with me..told me he seen me put a computer page down and he knows I was up to something..I sure was going to bed..then he told me things are going to get worse around here because of all of this…how ridiculous and crazy…This guy is NUTS and I am about at the end of my rapidly fraying rope with this insanity…its as if he drinks all day and waits for me to come home so he can fight with me…Ive had to leave the house 3 times tonight just to get away from him..I was beginning to feels as crazy as he is..what gets me is why try to fight…he drinks is going to drink no matter how we go drink leave people alone…thats all I want is peace and quiet and to be left alone.,,

  • iv just detatched from abf.with love.he cant be trused,was of drink for few weeks to get me I caught him texting phoneing other wemon.he said they were not wemon.we had nice few weeks together he been the true gentleman,i was away for two weeks kept in touch all the time,he back with his drinking buddy,i was put on hold he was of in pubs night after I guess he up to his old tricks told him I was done no argueing as I have been in an alon five I don’t lose it with them anymore,but you will never win ever.told me I was getting no more chances.i wrote him a lovely letter explaining the probloms,offered my hand of friendship to him.told him he is a sick man.said I would always miss and love him,and I will but this shall pass,what I go through with him wont as only for my programme id be crazy,he read my letter and sent it back to me the next day not sure what point he was making,i guess trying to push my buttons,but thank god and an alon I don’t allow that to happen with him,i detatch and leave him to ex was also an alco that’s what got me to an alon,and I thank god every day of my life for anyone with an alco step back and let them get on with it look after yourself.he is gone and he will never be back in my life.only as a friend as I have great compassion for alcos,but they will bring you down with them and you wont even know god bless you all stay strong,pray and trust in your higher power,or what ever gives you strength

  • brigitte

    My alcoholic ex chooses not to have the children every second weekend and never phones or asks how they are but every monday when he’s feeling remorseful, he will send me stupid emails crying and finger pointing about how cruel I am for keeping the kids away from him. The more I defend myself and tell him that I’m not and he’s chosen not too, the more angry I get so now I just ignore the emails. He’s so thick that he cannot and will not see that he’s in the wrong and alcohol is more important than innocent little children. He chose not to be with us anymore and I’ve been to hell and back because of this man and the pain he has put us through and since I’ve let go, life is just getting better. As much as I love this person, I will never forgive him for the lies, the cheating, the mind games, the insincerity. What sort of a person crushes their family and then points fingers at them blaming us for all his shortcomings. Sick, sick alcoholics. Finally realised that as much as the kids and myself battle financially, we are all so much more at peace.

  • li nda

    I have the same question as u. My a has been clean for over a year. Same behaviors. So I believe he is still in denial.

  • Tracy


    I am in exactly the same position as you. I left 8 months ago for all the same reasons as you, i got a text the other night saying all my fault too, i split the marriage up! Mine lied, cheated, mind games everything you went through so did i. He now has drunk, drug taking skanky women fighting over him and lying to me that he’s not been out with any of them, SAD. Like you i love my husband but i can’t take the insanity anymore, sorry if i hear that one more time i will scream, sorry doesn’t take away the pain. Mine is now very abusive saying he doesn’t love me to move on etc this is because i am not taking him back because sorry is a word he never changes he’s ok for a few weeks then he’s back to his old self. X

  • Nellie

    Thank you for this very helpful post.
    I grew up with A’s, married an A, can’t seem to find a life without an A in it.
    It’s not the drinking. It is the never ending tirade about what a piece of crap
    I am. I am worthless, I am useless, I am nothing, less than nothing. I am of no
    value on this earth at all. With nearly half a century of this behind me, I find
    it very difficult to have even a fraction of self esteem. I wish I were dead.
    The ironic thing is, I have moved heaven and earth to do wonderful things for them.
    It just doesn’t register.
    I keep going day by day, but even with a little window of “no active alcoholics” in
    my life, their ghosts and words still haunt me. I can barely keep my head up.
    Is there hope for me?

  • Gabby

    Hi Nellie:
    I feel the same exact way because the few times there have not been an alcoholic or addict in my life their ghosts still haunt me too. I too wish sometimes I were dead because self esteem is something I never had. I had to flee my home with just a few things and I don’t dare even go back for my belongings and I feel too there is no hope for me. It is sometimes even difficult to put into words the atrocities I have survived but now wishing I had not survived to have the ghosts & their words haunt me.

  • Nellie

    Oh Gabby, I hear you, that is exactly how I feel.
    I don’t know the answer, I guess we all just have to hang in there.
    Thank you, though, for making me feel a whole lot less one

  • Elisabeth

    Nellie & Gabby –

    My heart goes out to you both. It is awful what being around A’s has done to you both but I believe it can get better. I know everyone is a big fan of Al Anon – have either of you tried that?

    For me, the best thing to do was connect with other people on-line who have had the same experiences. It showed me that I wasn’t alone – the stories are so often the same. Keep reading and posting on this website and try as well. These are my two favorite sites and they have helped me to feel more sane and strong every day.

  • Brenda

    Please don’t feel you are worthless. The A’s have such a poor self-image that they only way they can exist in this world is by putting other people down. Family, friends or spouse it doesn’t matter they bad mouth everyone they come in contact with. I was abused in my marriage for some 10 years by an non-alcoholic. Recently got involved with a man who I didn’t know was an alcoholic until I had fallen for him. The same thing started with him after several months.
    He began putting me down continually while he thought he was the cat’s meow. But it’s all a front because deep down they hate themselves and what they’ve become. There is life after an alcoholic but only if you make it so. Try and surround yourself with friends and family that give you positive experiences. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WHEN THE ALCOHOLIC PUTS YOU DOWN IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU … IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM AND HOW INADEQUATE HE FEELS. Please turn your life over to God and he will get you through this and help start you on the road to a new life. Take care xo.

  • Pez

    Tracy, they say this just to hurt you the “I don’t love you anymore thing”. When mine told me that and now he’s found the “woman he will love for the rest of his life” I just said, “I don’t believe that” and I don’t! They will say what ever justifies there drinking. Just found out and I had no doubt the “skanky” woman he is with drinks with him and is so desperate and needy she will do ANYTHING to keep him. An alcoholics dream! My Dad’s wife said, “they only love you if you stay” so, anyone who puts up with the bullshit they will justify they love them. THIS IS NOT REAL LOVE–KNOW THAT. IT’S A LOVE OF CONVIENIENCE!! SELFISH TO THE CORE. To me that is not the definition of love. Alcoholics LOVE alcohol! Be assured, If the new women draw the line they will no longer “love” them either!

  • Debbi

    I found an article from “Choose Help” written by Jim LaPierre who is a Clinical Social Worker and a reformed alcoholic. Thought I might share some of his statements–I found them true & helpful:

    “Alcoholics think, act, believe and feel based on distorted perceptions of themselves and the world around them”
    “Alcoholics are the very best liars because they are able to use rationalization and justification to convince themselves that a lie is truth.”
    “There is no balance for the active alcoholic. As one area of their life declines they will often focus their attention on it and take it to an extreme. As this happens, another part of their life declines and gradually their life becomes dictated by ‘firehouse management'”
    “…they will generally conceal the frequency and amount they drink. . .It is not only the drinking that gets hidden; it is also the negative affects alcohol produces in their lives.”
    “. . .have a bizarre sense of entitlement…The active alcoholic wallows in self-pity and concludes that they are a victim of life. As they demand more from the world they expect less and less of themselves.”
    “On some level the alcoholic always knows the truth and they are usually working hard not to know it…Life becomes progressively less about anything substantive and progressively more about maintaining appearances.”
    “Alcoholics are master manipulators…They show little or no accountability. They may have had integrity before their addiction kicked in but it will be conspicuously absent from their lives as they spiral.”
    “The disease of alcoholism gradually and insidiously strips everything away from a person. We have been asked countless times whether alcoholism is truly a disease or a choice. In truth it is both. Alcoholism is unique as a disease in that it not only hides from view-it also lies to its carrier about is presence. The person who is active in addiction has a unique choice relative to all other disease. The alcoholic can go into remission at any time and many do. We see that alcoholics will abstain from drinking for a time to prove to themselves or others that they are not addicted, only to return later with a vengeance.”
    “Recovery from alcoholism involves far more than sobriety. Recovery from alcoholism involves changing every part of a person’s life. The person who only stops drinking is what we refer to as a ‘dry drunk’, meaning that they are every bit as unhealthy they have simply stopped drinking – a small percentage of folks manage this long term…real recovery is only made possible by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.”

    Sorry to be so lengthy but his words captured everything in a nutshell!

  • Tracy



    I met people I know very well and they know one of the tramps he’s having sex with or trying to have sex with and the guy I spoke to said he wouldn’t trust her with his dog!!!! his girlfriend who knows the tramp and my AH could not believe that he has been having sex with this woman, that is how bad she is and ugly into the bargain. My sister said this is the top end of the market for him wait until another 6 months goes by he won’t be able to pick up anyone. Why do they do this? Is it the illness? In 8 months he has lost his morals he thinks he’s 18 and even young girls fancy him. It is so sad he has lost everything except alcohol. I told him the people he drinks with are not bothered about his health as long as he drinks and pays for the alcohol they would sit with anyone. It truly is a mental illness. X

  • Debbi

    Tracy, always remember they “affair down”. When they get to this point of going outside of the marriage they choose the weakest of the herd, the bottom of the barrel. It is always about them & their problem–never yours. Mine had an affair with a woman on our bowling team who knew me, knew I was his wife, had children from several different fathers. His next infidelities were with paid escorts & women he picked up from phone sex chat lines. Now he has hooked up with one that seems respectable but I remind myself that she knew he was still married & living in the same house with me through our divorce yet still came to the house when I was not home. It is not about you. They say alcoholism and infidelity go hand in hand like bread & butter because they feel they can do no wrong and the part of the brain that makes sound decisions is damaged. It’s never about you. We both need to remember that we are the best they will ever have!

  • Tracy



    I know they affair down as I have seen them and heard some not so nice things about them, still hurtful though! I suppose these women drink/drugs with them never complain so in the A mind these women are perfect. X

  • Pez

    You have to remember we are in our rational mind and they are not. Come on’, we have all gotten drunk at one time or another in our lives haven’t we. When we did especially when we were young, weren’t we more personable, outgoing, silly, sexual maybe even sleeping with someone out of bad judgement? IMAGINE this on a grandiose scale, drinking heavily, daily or alot anyway. You would start to live there!! In that world and think it IS reality or an integural part of your life. As it get worse this becomes there life, It is reality for them–the only world they have know for years!! Think about it!

    As far a scanky women. Who else would want them and they know it! Do you think a drunk for 10 or 20 years is going to attract a Doctor, business owner, a woman with morals and values? Probably not unless he’s a very good con. I think when they got us (mine had just started drinking again) they had brains left and morals. As the progression continues those all get lost and skewed.

  • Debbi

    I agree but sometimes remember they can abstain for awhile and sometimes choose relationships outside of their partners for revenge or to punish us–not always while they are intoxicated.

  • Pez

    It doesn’t matter, if they still intend to USE. I remember a comment on another post that hit me! If they are still using or intend to use in the future it doesn’t matter if they are drunk or sober they are STILL in a dysfunctional state. It’s been over 3 months my XAB has been with the woman I mentioned and I know some days he does not drink or at work. Has he come running back to me in horror of what he has done or a realization of who he is with? No, the alcoholic mind is still at work even sober. I wouldn’t call a drunk “sober” until it’s been months or longer!
    My XAB absolutely did this to hurt me and admitted it the 1st time around and also for his own needs to be met.

  • linda

    Yes, I also believe they intent to hurt and use us. My A thinks denying my feeling makes him truthful. They are the sick ones. Which in turn makes us sick just listen to them…….lies and denies.

  • Kathy

    I stumbled on this web site a few weeks ago. I have been reading the posts everyday since. You are all SO candid. I have been in Al-Anon for 25 years. The group is made of of mostly alcoholics. Has not been very helpful because the alcoholics run the meeting to suit their needs which consist of the A’s constantly pounding that the Al-Anon is sicker than the A. Don’t believe it! There is a sickness of hopeless, helpless, isolated, afraid, worried. The A is very smart about how to say or do something and find a way to say “you made me do this”. Or how about when you set a boundary and the A crosses the boundary just because they can and will. It keeps the “power” in their hands, just to show you, there is NOTHING you can do about it. If you call the cops, you are dead meat. If you call a friend (if you have any left) you are dead meat. No matter what, the A has to make you his target for verbal, physical, financial abuse. Master Intelligence of the Universe and Higher Power help us.

  • Pez

    I would report that Al Anon meeting to Al Anon. its always obviously its not to help codependence but alcoholics.

  • Amy

    My A would keep us up all night, cause fights, call the cops himself. come in the bathroom right after I got home and try to start a fight with me while I was in the bath, the verbal,physical, ALL the abuse was terrible, but the worse of it was when he would either do one of two things.A-he would wait till after I got up from about an hours worth of sleep and went to work(times admitting because he didn’t want to have to listen to me and or here what he had done) B- get up and act as if nothing happened. or C- get up and tell me and the kids how sorry he was and that he was done drinking and he was NEVER going to drink again, that usually lasted about 2 days.I can’t could on my fingers and toes how many times he told us all he was done-complete insanity

  • Pez

    Debbie, I did like that article from Choose help. Very good one. Should be called alcoholics in a nutshell!

  • Julie

    Debbie, that article rings so true for my Ex AH. He does all of it and is still doing it. And yes the appearances to the world mean so much more than reality to him now. Even after losing everything he still fights as if he deserves so much from me and the kids as his world falls apart. It is my fault he lost his job and his marriage and the kids are disrespectful because they won’t say he is a wonderful father. Nothing is ever his responsibility even now as his world crumbles around him. And it kills me that his parents are angry with me becauwe he resides at their home and won’t move out. They too take no responsibility for their actions either. That whole family is sick and i am glad to be away from them all.

  • Hi All
    I am an alcoholic in recovery . I believe my husband
    is a HFA …. My relapses have been w ith his alcohol.
    I am trying very hard to stay sober and with much
    humility I admit that I have several of the behaviors
    that you comment on. I have had significant recovery
    time and devastating periods of relapse .
    Your posts help me understand what I have put
    my family through. I have a question if you would
    be kind enough to answer .
    I hate that I am this. I practice several methods
    to stay well… My question is this….
    Does there come a time when a family can heal
    and leave that wreckage behind? Assuming I
    stay sober and humble ….
    I love my family very much and my heart goes
    Out to all of you . It’s so much pain for everyone
    involved ….
    Thank you if you can offer more insight so that
    I can understand and do more for them….

  • Pez

    Stephanie first I have to say I admire you for wanting this in your life! keep up the hard work it’s worth it to live life on its own terms. I think building of Trust is a major thing and this will take time maybe lots of time. the more you stick with the program and stay sober the more you’re going to build their trust back. and the more they see a change in your attitude is consistent and ongoing.

  • Amy

    I agree…looking back, if he would of got the help he needed and worked a recovery program, and stayed sober. It would take time and lots of it, but if I would of seen what I needed to see in time, I would of been able to slowly trust again , and let my gaurd down. Good luck to you seems to me you are on the right path!

  • Thank you so much for responding.
    It really is true that support is healing….
    When I am sober I am a different person, one that
    I can be proud of. One of the most difficult
    parts of recovery is knowing that pain I caused.
    Of course I want to move forward because I cannot
    change the past … Even that seems selfish to
    (Some) of my family. I guess I am impatient waiting
    for healing/ forgiveness because I am the one who
    caused the damage. I will think of your posts
    and be more patient and worthy of that trust I hope
    to rebuild …..thank you

  • Julie

    Stephanie keep up the good work. You may read a lot of our anger on here but most of us who are still harboring some anger do not have an A who is tryign to get and stay sober adn also to work a recovery program, but you have taken the steps to really make things better and that could help the anger recede and let forgiveness come. Give it time and stay strong. You are worth it to yourself and the ones that were hurt by this disease have to decide to get better for themselves too and it is wonderful that since you are sober you can heal together. But take the same advice you hear us give eachother on this site and stay away from those that do not support you and surround yourself with those that do offer support. God Bless you on your journey.

  • Donna

    this was an amazingly insightful article, and explained and underscored the insane world of an alcoholic. I heard from my friend yesterday and she acted like everything was fine, she even sounded like my old friend. Then she brought up that “people were in my face” and “I cant believe my sister acted like that”. She has completely denied the fact that we all had no idea she was drinking for YEARS. And all of a sudden, we find out and everyone went nuts. I asked her to look at it from this point of view. I said “let’s say there’s a room and everyone inside are people who love you. You walked up, opened the door, threw a bomb in, and left. Based on that, how do you think they should have responded?” She hesitated, and I knew I got through. But only for a second was my old friend there. I could hear the wheels of denial grinding, and she changed the subject. This is part of the insanity of alcoholism. A person I’ve known and loved for 50 years, who was insightful and honest and full of clarity is reduced to a manipulator who no more cares for those who love her than as if they were complete strangers. The fact is, she loves the alcohol more. Sad to see the decline of such a worthwhile person. But I told her I loved her, and would not be one of the people getting in her face. I know I cannot control her choices, because it is not about me. She made a conscious choice to become this fake deluded replica of the friend I knew. I hope and pray and send her love. But my boundaries I have set are sacred. I will not enable her, I will not support her self-descructive path, but will be here to pick up the pieces, if there are any pieces left.

  • Pez

    Stephanie, I’d be interested in knowing what made you decide to take the steps towards recovery? Did you reach a bottom, an event that opened your eyes, or did you just get sick of yourself? Tell us your story.

  • Nellie

    Stephanie, that is where the eighth and ninth steps come in to play.
    Make a list of people we have harmed, and make direct amends to them where ever possible.
    You can’t just pretend it never happened, and expect everybody to just get over it. The
    healing comes for you and for your family and friends when you acknowledge the harm you have
    caused and do everything you can to make things right. Then the past is behind you, and you
    and they can start with a fresh slate.
    There is a really funny episode of Seinfield where a “12 Stepper” is making amends to everyone,
    except George. It’s worth checking out on YouTube. You can do it, girl!!

  • Nellie,pez, and Julie
    Your comments and support are very helpful.
    I didn’t really know how I would be received on
    this sight ….and it’s been positive and helpful .
    I hope I can be if help to some too.
    My story is long but the condensed version;
    I first got sober almost 20 years ago. My drinking period
    Was short bc I change alot under the influence
    and I had to get help . At the time my family was
    young and my aging mom lived here too.
    I went to an outpatient program and stayed sober
    nearly 10 years . Then I relapsed and drank off and on
    I went to an inpatient program for 21 days and
    6 weeks of outpatient . But in less than a year relapsed.

    My pattern is a secret drinker w small amounts
    Affecting me strongly. I don’t continue bc then I want to make things
    right ….I have been making it 30 data, 60 days. The relapses have continued and my
    self worth decreases. I have a program and do some
    other healthy things daily including the most
    recent of taking campral which takes away craving .
    Craving is something that is very hard to explain.
    I do not enjoy alcohol. It’s more like a punishment.
    And of course so terrible for my family. My husband
    is really supportive but he drinks daily which is
    why I have so much hope for the campral.
    I never thought I would be the woman who did
    this to her life. I am very blessed that my fallibly
    is still here but it’s definitely not what it could
    be. I’m trying very hard to understand what
    this does to loved ones. It’s an insane disease
    and the worst part is how is affects a family.

  • Ps
    For one daughter more than others I have spoiled
    special occasions. Most recently moving her into
    her college apt
    Things were going great and I packed with her
    And we hugged and cried
    Made the trip there
    And I made the decision on impulse
    To take some of my husbands alcohol.
    My daughter is so hurt and angry,
    Rightly so and now says I don’t deserve to be
    a part ….
    Over the years I have also been a living and
    Caring mom wide daughter a nd friend
    but the alcoholic part over shadows…
    What is the best way to help her????

  • Julie

    Stephanie you really need to read this book i have posted it on here before. It is written by a recovering alcoholic and she lets the reader inside her mind while she tells the story of her life. It gave me an understanding of the alcolholic and the role alcohol plays in their lives. I think when you read it you will realize that it is a long road but recovery is possible and you will definitely feel that there are others out there like you and you are not alone in your battle against alcohol and addiction. the book is “Drinking: A Love Story” by Caroline Knapp.

  • Ross

    Kudos to you Stephanie for your efforts! Hang in there, you can come through just keep at it!

  • Thank you Ross
    The hardest part is the awareness of the hurt
    I have caused
    I spent my life to raise my family with love
    And I did that too
    But the shadow of alcoholism lingers
    And it’s like now I’m at the end with the last one
    ( of 6) going to college and ‘my career’
    had this stigma and shame…
    But u do know it will get better with sobriety and time.
    Thank you!

  • Julie
    Thank you so much
    I will get the book this weekend…
    I’ve been in recovery for a long time
    But I really want an understanding of just how
    it affects others close to an alcoholic
    As much as I feel and (don’t) understand
    addiction, I know it’s real and devastating to my
    being. I can only imagine what it must do to others

  • Tracy


    I am so very happy that you are in recovery.

    I hope and pray that my family can be together again if my AH gets the help he needs. I am trying to love from afar, it is difficult because of all the hurt, lies, disrespect and going with other women, but I am trying.
    At the moment my AH is out of my life and I now know it has to be this way for me and my kids to heal from the years of his drinking. Me as the wife and mother is very hurt at what he has done to us but when I saw him 5 weeks ago I could have cried and never stopped. The man I love and the father of my children is dying in front of my eyes and will do nothing about it. I now know I am not able to help him so I have handed it over to God. I do not hate my AH I love him but I can’t let him destroy me and that is what his addiction was doing it was distroying me. I know he is not a bad person he is a very sick person, the man I married is buried somewhere under all the destruction and I hope and pray he seeks the help to get the peace he needs.

    God bless you Stephanie and I hope and pray that you get recovery and you and you’re family find God’s peace. Tracy X

  • Pez

    Tracy, that’s what scares me. If I see my XAB in the future and you can see death is at his door. The reality of the disease aspect kicks in. It would break my heart too. All you can do is keep praying, SOMETHING will reach them!

    Stephanie, what you said about “craving” somehow makes sense to me. My XAB said several times he hated the taste of the alcohol, I think it is for some a self-punishment. I think you have to have the courage to face yourself and the self-hatred I’ve heard so much about with addicts. But I know it can be done. You just have to face what you have done and make amends to all you can. Not everyone will forgive, but that should not keep you from recovery. Just give those people to God and pray for them.

  • Debbi

    To Stephanie – One Courageous Woman
    You realized you had a problem and you faced it head-on, you came to this site to find out the damage you might have inflicted on your family and you posted here for feedback. I know in my book you are welcome to post–no one here would be mad & everyone applauds you for your courage.

    My feedback to you for the hurt caused to me was yes, I stayed a long time and not until he crossed that final line in the sand did I exit (infidelity and bailed on me when I faced a major illness). Otherwise, I would have stuck it out longer hoping he would find a recovery program and stay long enough to see how he did.

    The way to right your wrongs–sorry isn’t always enough to those who have been hurt in such ways but it is the first step as well as making amends–how to make amends? Imagine an empty bucket; your family members buckets are empty because of damage you may have caused & you need to fill those buckets one piece at a time. It will take a long time to fill those buckets by showing them on a consistent basis every day you are healing and recovering and you now have their best interests in your heart. But make one mistake the whole bucket goes empty and you will start all over. So please do WHATEVER you have to–to not take another drink–get a sponsor if you don’t have one–someone you can call on a moments notice. Don’t let your family members buckets go empty again–keep filling them daily with expressions of your love and commitment to them and to yourself to heal. Tell them every day how sorry you are but how much you are now committed to be the mother of your family. You can do this because I have already seen your courage.

  • Tracy X
    You are right
    He is in there under this veil of addiction.
    On the one hand I want my family to understand
    that I never meant for this to be
    But on the other hand
    I think to truly understand that grip of addiction
    One must have it.
    And jeoykd not wish that on anyone.
    Years ago my first husband left me with a young
    family ….I did not drink back then..
    But I tell you this so that you know there is
    Love out there for you….I adore my husband
    and I have put him through alot …love endures
    I wish you peace

  • I would just like to say that as a recovering
    alcoholic posting on a site with people whose lives
    have been devastated by ‘us’
    Your compassion and sincerity have touched my
    Heart and give me new hope

  • Tracy X
    I was going to use the term
    Self punishment to describe why I think I
    take that alcohol. It is never in a relaxing manner
    and I do NOT enjoy it
    At best it feels like ‘a fix’ that is short lived and
    then the rational me disappears ….
    One thing I have learned from attending AA
    is that most of us experience the effects in the same
    way and if there are any differences,
    What remains the same is destruction of some
    sort .,.. I think that sites as this can begin to remove
    The stigma which keeps that shame around…
    It FEELS shameful after you’ve drank again.
    I just told my daughter how wonderful the posts
    have been and is amazing to me how
    compassionate you remain…..
    I’m grateful for this perspective of what it does to
    ‘You’ and I have to believe it is contributing to my
    desire to stay /be well….
    It’s a part that I know is devastating but need
    and want to understand….

  • To Debbi
    Thank you for your poignant analogy of
    how to make amends to my famy. It’s easier for
    me when I can visualize something
    If tears if regret could fill the buckets is be there.
    Your point went straight to my heart.
    My daughter , whom I recently let down (under statement)
    is coming home this weekend . You have given
    me a way to approach her time at home in a quiet
    way instead of that tired old
    ‘Pleade forgive me”
    Amazing how helping another and in this case
    Being helped by others is the oath to heal.
    Any of you could have easily attacked or at least
    judged me ….. But instead you are helping me.
    A prayer has been answered….

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