Warning Signs Alcoholic Abusive Relationship-Treating Me Horribly Bad

I never understood what the warning signs were of being in an abusive relationship. Being use to the alcoholic treating me poorly was a way of life. I’ll never forget the day when a friend who was a professional family counselor told me that I was in a horribly bad relationship. He directly told me that I was being abused mentally, spiritually and physically. His honesty led me to stop sharing with him from my heart. I was in such denial that I couldn’t think of the alcoholic that I loved so much as being an abusive person. I was so far off in fantasy land that it would take three other people and God speaking before I would listen and get help.




I’d never taken the time to understand what it meant to be in an abusive relationship. What was he referring to I wondered? It wasn’t until I got my hands on some cassette tapes from Joyce Meyer Ministries that I began to understand that the alcoholic was treating me horribly. The series was called Beauty For Ashes.

It had become a way of life for me to endure being called awful names, yelled at and sometimes even physically hit. As I studied the tapes intensely, I realized that no one should be treating me this way. As I listened to every teaching, I began to see all of the warning signs that I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic that I dearly loved. God was opening my eyes and the blinders of denial were being stripped away from my sight. I began to see the relationship for what it really was… abusive.

What are some of the warning signs of an abusive person (taken from video above)?

  • Controlling personality-The may not allow you to have money. They mighty try to control your time. The might try to keep you from having friends or interacting with people.
  • Jealousy or possessiveness-The person doesn’t trust you when you have done nothing to make them suspicious. They check your phone messages and your emails without permission; this is not a good sign.
  • Being critical of you-They may disapprove of the way you dress, how you cleaned the house or what you cooked for dinner. It could be little petty things all of the time, just constant criticism day in and day out.
  • Blame shifting-They blame people for everything. They rarely admit fault. They have a way of making everything your fault.
  • Hypersensitivity-People who are abusive have a tendency to have  very low self-esteem.  They try to make themselves feel better by  putting other people down or over reacting to minuscule things.

Is someone calling you every name in the book whenever they feel like it? Do you get ridiculed for everything that you do? Does it seem as though one moment the alcoholic in your life loves you and then without notice you are hated with every ounce of energy they have within them? Have you been pushed, spit on, grabbed forcefully or hit by the alcoholic in your life? These are all warning signs for you to open up your eyes to.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU  IS NOT OK!

Yes, some of the MILDER THINGS are just normal behaviors that we strive to live with when we are involved in potentially bad relationships with active drinkers.

At this point in the article, you really need to just pause and think about how you are being treated by the alcoholic. If you understand that you are being treated horribly bad, then you are probably in a very abusive relationship.

Here’s what I want you to do. Get the phone book and look for support groups in your area that are designed to help family and friends of Alcoholics. Al-anon is a great place to start getting help for the situation that you are involved in. Being treated horribly bad by an alcoholic is no light matter. No one deserves to be some one else’s punching bag, not emotionally, spiritually or physically. Take care of yourself and seek out help. DO THIS NOW!

76 comments to Warning Signs Alcoholic Abusive Relationship-Treating Me Horribly Bad

  • Julie

    I have been married for twenty years and have three children with an abusive alcoholic husband. We have been through a lot of rehab and couseling and empty promises from him over the years. But it has reached the point through couseling and Alanon where I realized he was manipulating me . He threatens me harm when I wont buy him alcohol yet refuses to go get it himself except at the bar where he could sqander money and then blame me because I would not buy alcohol at the store for him where it is much less expensive and less costly for him to drink it at home.Then this weekend I reached the point where I was so frightened of harm from his threatening phone calls from the bar that I called the police. He is now sitting in jail waiting to be arraigned and my children and I are seeking a protection order from him. This is the beginning of a very long road to recovery for me and my children and I am finally making him take responsibility for his own behaviors. Even though I hope this leads him to drying out and then getting help to reform himself, I have to think of my children right now and let him take whatever actions for himself to make a change and better his life. After twenty years of trying to help him change and feeling that everything is my fault, I have finally taken steps to help me and my children and let him be responsible for himself. Feels good, even under all the mixed emotions. I know God is on my side as I move forward with my children and I only wish the same for anyone else in an abusive relationship whether alcohol is involved or not.

  • Sheila

    I also didn’t realize that I was being abused, since there was no physical abuse in my case. My self esteem was constantly derailed, I was ignored as a wife. He loved me so much because I was a pushover and a sentimental fool. I unknowingly married into this almost 20 years ago now.
    One year ago my sister replied to my pain with a book about Verbal Abuse. Later she said that alcohol may be more of a problem than I realize. Six months ago I started Al-Anon. Things are better, but i’m not sure that his brain can turn around even when he stops drinking and enters into recovery tomorrow. We shall see. I will help him recover, but we shall see.

  • Caitlyn

    Two things to consider:
    1. The alcoholic has to want and decide for themselves that they truly want to sober up. Not just say it. Words are empty without action. They have to truly and deeply mean it. We can’t do it for them. We can’t make them better, but we can support their decision and help them along the way to recovery.
    2. Sometimes it’s not so much denial as protecting our vision, the world’s vision of perfect. No one is perfect. Babies are not born perfect, they are born with innate flaws to overcome in this time on earth. Not you reading this, nor I are perfect. Some mightn’t be too far off ‘perfect’, but still all have to overcome that which is not right. All of us are flawed and clawing our way to perfection or being the best we can. In the bible’s way “in his image”. Life and it’s journey is a path of discovery and enlightenment.
    One thing I’m seeing through this website is that many an alcoholic is perfect except for their addiction and what disaster it brings to them and their world. This is the imperfect thing they must battle to be “in his image”.
    No answers here, just comments.

  • Lorrie

    I think the statement that an alcoholic is perfect except for drinking hits home with me! I think focusing on his drinking keeps me in a fantasy world! Only if state of mind is keeping me from living in the moment …. It’s like I am living in the future while he lives in the past… Pointing out all that I do wrong so he dose not have to focus on his drinking problem ..my self, friends and Family … Felt that he was so drunk all the time he could not even make a sound judgment to quit if he wanted to.so we all gave him an ultimatum ..to voluntarily go to rehab or we would call police to have him committed …. For saying things like he wanted to drink himself to death or shoot himself… Of course he took the hard way and we got him committed for two nights were he sobered up enough to be scared to death of being committed … He then has made the decision to quit … They let him out with info on recovery centers and A.A … He is angry and bones me even though I think it saved his life..it’s been two days no alcohol and he is planning on joining something …I felt I had to try before he died .. Now if he dose not quit ..I at least can leave with a clear conscious … I am letting go and letting God

  • Linda

    Also didn’t realize that I was slowly being abused.Looking back, there was emotional, spiritual, abuse. Left a year ago, when he was having a affair with his female boss. That he denies.(Just a emotional affair) Told me that after I was gone 5 months. That’s about the same time the physical plus verbal abuse started. My self esteem was constantly derailed. I was ignored as a wife. He loved me so much because I was a pushover and believed his lies. I married into this almost 32 years ago now.

  • My AH has admitted and then denied several times he has a dependence on alcohol..I filed for divorce slowly paying because I am still in love with my AH he told me tonight not to blame our marital problems on what he does.that does not define him.I asked him what else is the issue then.He had no comment.he is so “macho,believing he would ever attend a group meeting is not even a possibility. I do believe he loves me the best he knows how,but not how I need. I will continue with divorce,while still hoping praying a change will come..

  • Carol

    Joyce Meyers Ministries is so very helpful in my life.

  • Kathleen

    I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for almost two years. He has abused me in so many ways. However, at the time the abuse happens, I am naive and caught by surprise, so I don’t realize it is abuse until much later (if ever). He’s called me names like an old hag, pathetic and a social leper, while in actuality, I am pretty, friendly, and responsible. He criticizes me for letting my kids walk all over me, instead of seeing how responsible, smart and successful they are. He starts fights just before or doesn’t show up for family gatherings, so I am left to make excuses of where he is at. He has abandoned me when I’ve been hurt, like when I had back problem, and for two months, would not come and see me. He has tried to bully me into quitting my job and working for his business, even though I have a very secure, successful, six-figure income job, and his business is not profitable and is unstable. He tells me I don’t change fast enough for him, which is his excuse why he started to use online dating sites. I still struggle with labeling these as abuse, and instead tend to see them as flaws in myself. He is a master at making me feel bad about myself. That seems to be what true abuse is in my case.

  • Kristy

    Carol,
    Is there a particular book or DVD by Joyce Meyers that you would recommend?

  • Kristy

    Carol,
    Is there a particular book or DVD by Joyce Meyers that you would recommend?

    Kristy

  • JC

    Hi Kristy, YES! There’s a link in the article for Beauty For Ashes.

  • Linda

    Please help me! I know in my heart he’s lying to me……Words are just empty promises. he leaves me feeling so angry…..words and action are totally deferent. I’ve been married to this A for 33 years it has become to important to lie to me……The tidbits he gives is not enough anymore….as he runs out the door to her……..

  • JP

    Tonight I have had it! This is the 3rd really serious situation – on top of many, many “less serious” (if that exists) situations. The first time, he physically abused me and doesn’t remember and denies it. I almost called the cops – and 911 – because he was very physically ill. I thought he might die. The second time, he fell down in the yard and my whole family saw him. Of course, it was their fault. He had nothing to do with it. It was all dramatized! – (according to him.) Tonight, as I left to buy groceries and liquor (how humiliating), I knew he was teetering on the edge. All attempts to get him to eat were met with resistance. When I came home, he was just where I knew he’d be – in a drunken state of denial which became a long nap which worried me and angered him. Now he is sleeping and I am dreading tomorrow. I don’t want to live like this. I just retired and am well able to take care of myself. I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I was a teacher – but I’m done taking care of those who can’t – or won’t – take care of themselves! When he’s not under the influence he is so good, but he is the quintessential Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He has never seen his other self and refuses to admit his existence. I know both sides only too well. It’s time for me to listen to my self!

  • Bill

    JP, if you are being physically abused, find help for yourself, do that today!

    Also, if you aren’t attending support group meetings for the family members of alcoholic’s consider doing so…Al-anon is a great place to start.

    It sounds like you’ve been dealing with this behavior for a while and are frustrated and angry.

    This website community of readers has a lot to offer you as well. Make sure you sign up for the notification emails or the mini course that is offered here. You will also find hundreds of articles on this site that can help you cope with your current situation.

    The sooner you can get connected with people who understand what you are going through the better.

  • joe

    My problem totally the opposite no abuse my wife is an alcoholic even though she is functional and by that i mean she works daily doesn’t drink before work but drinks daily after work a six pack a night.On her off days she gets tore up it’s quite embarrassing staggering,mumbling to herself if i say anything to her she gets loud and foul at mouth.We been married 5yrs no kids i been trying for the last 4yrs to get her to get help to no avail intimatecy in our marriage is totally gone she has no intimate desire at all i have contemplated divorce many times but i feel sorry for her because i’m the sole provider i just can’t see leaving her in a bad situation when she not drinking she has the sweetest and caring personality i don’t know what to do at 50 i never been in this type of situation

  • Its only been eight months being married to an alcoholic. I want a divorce but right now he is looking for a job and he lives and sleeps with me. I am going to wait until he gets a job and save enough money so he can leave. Since we have been married, he has been to rehab two times. He has had a total of three breakdowns with alcohol and drugs. He wanted to go back to a rehab last night. And I told him I was not playing anymore rehab games with him. If he wanted to stop drinking he will have to do it alone. This is day two no alcohol. I am so ready to end it, I can taste it. He’s a good guy when he’s not drinking and drugging. I do love him but I can do better alone. He’s abusive when he drinks. The gorilla comes out to harm you with words and physical harm. I want peace of mind.I want my life back.

  • Bill

    Annette, I can feel the uncomfortable situation you are in. It sounds like he was already in pretty rough shape when you got married? When did his alcohol abuse start getting bad? Have you tried Al-anon?

  • patty

    Joe, I’m sad to read that you were fooled into loving and marrying an addict. Me too! I see some good things on your side right now: 1) NO KIDS to be harmed by the emotional chaos of addiction, the changes and events that result from it. 2) ONLY 5 YEARS IN; At 5 years in, I was letting my AH’s addiction and moods overtake and control me. I felt defeated and doomed, but could see no way out. 13 more years and I’ve FINALLY realized that NOTHING is going to change, unless I CHANGE. You already see it, have not been buried by it yet! 3) LITTLE TO NO INTIMACY: Being married has taught me so much about Intimacy! It is not the MOST important thing, but it is ONE OF THE MOST important components, and without it, love can fade. My AH only wants intimacy when wasted. This is sickening to me, plus I was hurt once trying that and NEVER AGAIN! I think that my AH is wearying of our marriage due to the lack of intimacy, yet he refuses to respect my single requirement, to be sober at the time. I’ve felt my love fading as I’ve grown afraid of his anger and unpredictability. I realize the truth: Love and Fear cannot exist together! I pray that you decide to save yourself, regardless of what your addicted wife decides.

  • Mel

    I have been with an alcoholic for almost 10 years, the past 2 years has gotten unbearable. When he is sober which is only about 10% of his life he is a normal, nice guy. When drinking he lies, cheats and abuses me both mentally and physically. The physical abuse is rare but the mental abuse is horrific and always happens after he is good and drunk. I have tried every way possible to explain to him what this is doing to our family. His dad is an alcoholic, his mom is an enabler. His entire life revolves around drinking and I am so lonely. I now just have so much anger that I am very blunt with him and tell him hes just a drunk who cares about no one but himself. He doesn’t care what its doing to me and his excuse for drinking is me. If I didn’t nag so much if I wasn’t a bit&*( if I did this or did that etc. He is in denial and doesn’t think hes hurting anyone although I tell him all the time that he is hurting me and the boys. He stays out in garage and sometimes will just leave without saying anything. He takes a cab and I have no clue as to where he is or what he is doing. It is devastating. He comes in the wee hours of the morning. I have a hard time sleeping because I am so hurt and worried. I don’t trust him and he constantly accuses me of being unfaithful. I am living in hell. He makes great money and can buy all these toys like boats and rv and 4 wheelers and he will leave to go party with his friends and family and leave me and my boys alone. He has no respect for us at all. He will do whats right when he wants something and will promise to change but never does. I feel so depressed and hurt and feel that he will never change. I hang onto this little bit of hope because of the rare times he acts normal and treats me good. I just cant undertstand how someone can love me one min and hate me the next. I am a good person and would stand by him through anything but he only sees the bad in me most of the time. The things he says to me when drunk are so horrible it makes me just want to die. I know that I am a strong woman and I know I deserve better but its so hard to walk away from someone I have invested so much time into. my family is everything. I am lost I pray daily and things only seem to get worse. when I talk about it it makes me feel a little better. Anyone else going through this that can give me some advice without the typical you need to leave?! Thank you all for reading.

  • Bill

    The video above is really good. I was in a very abusive relationship once. Here’s the link to the book that is referenced about being abused: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

    Mel, your story is identical to mine. The alcoholic was only nice when she wanted something. She would stay out until the wee hours of the morning and I would have no idea where she was or who she was with. She unleashed a flurry of anger on me once accusing me of having an affair, which wasn’t true. I do know for a fact now, many years after divorcing that she was having an affair. She was verbally and physically abusive. I could continue to describe the horror that I lived in, but the good news is that I divorced her. Yes, like you I prayed and prayed. I totally believe God answered my prayers because He didn’t want me to be abused anymore.

  • Lynn

    My life is the same way! Got a lot to lose by leaving. He is very disrespectful. I know a time is coming when I will have had enough and give up on him.

  • Denise

    I am so sorry you’re going through this. Quite honestly, it sounds like Narcissistic Abuse as well as alcoholism. Please go to the site at the end of this post. t has a wealth of information on how to help yourself be free from this type of abuse. Even though the alcoholism is a big issue, this may help you with how you’re feeling and that you’re NOT to blame. I’m going through this now and starting to feel stronger everyday. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
    I’ll pray that things get better for you. You can do it!

  • Me too!

    Hi, i am recently separated from my narcissist alcoholic husband. I was married for 10 years and together for 11 In the beginning of our relationship he was my prince charming. He also is financially at ease. I feel as though you have written my life. We exasperated 6 years ago because i had holes in my walls from when he drank and was mad at me because he was jealous and i had spoken to another man.
    I asked him to leave and had to call the police. He stayed at his brot her’s for 9 months and came back and said he would go into rehab. We went back together, he was charming and bought me all kinds of things, we went on a few trips and then he started drinking again after 3 months. That was six years ago and last September, after another all nighter that he came in at 5h am, and said that the cab dropped him off at the corner of our street so it would not wake up anyone ( he usually drives drunk). I said, i cant do this anymore. I don’t like the person i have become, i am always mad and bitter so i told him it had to change or we needed to separate. He had two kids from a previous marriage and so did i, he switched his daughters weeks and then started having a week with no kids for him. We have a 9 year old together. On December 31st, 11 years after , the day we met, he told me he wanted out and he wanted me to move out in 2 weeks, he had set up a mediator meeting for the fallowing week and that a real estate agent was calling to put up the house for sale on that day. Our house is now for sale, i rented a house in the meanwhile cause he was very nasty. Told me he wasted 11 years of his life on me. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. When our daughter came back to me , she told me another woman moved in two days after i moved. He is romancing her just like he did to me in the beginning, she even wrote on Facebook. That she met her prince charming and i kept thinking i remember feeling that way 10 years ago. This guy, did not have a house when i met him. I had a house, and was stable financially, still am, but he has ripped me apart both financially and emotion ally.
    If i have any advice, get out while you can, it has been three months for me and i still miss him, and i do have those times when i tell myself that maybe i should have been more understanding and my family tells me no no no. It has nothing to do with you.. He has a problem
    I still find it hard

  • Me too!

    I forgot to mention, that we were divorced on March 4th, less than 3 months after my moving out and he got engaged the next day.
    He used to be really jealous and blame me of having affairs at work, which were not true.
    Hopefully it will get easier some day

  • zara

    Hi
    I found for myself Alanon phone bridge to be a big help. I also have an attentive friend who I actually pay 10 dollars to just to let me cry and vent either on the phone or in person. I do listen to his problems for free but the 10 dollars is to help me remember when under stress not to vent personal issues to mine and my husbands mutual friends. I also found going on line such as you tube to learn about narcissism very helpful
    You have two problems not one. Even without booze he sounds a bit narcissistic. Hope this helps. They have alanon for young people too!!
    Banner 37 Audio Lessons

  • Ann

    I am very sorry for your pain and suffering. I must say that as I read your story, I saw many similarities to mine.
    I was married to my husband for some eighteen years. He was a kind and generous man and treated me well. We had a lovely home, beautiful children and success but as the years went by, he drank more and more and would stay out very late and sometimes did not come home. He was in complete denial and refused all help. He refused rehab, counselors even when he began to have health issues because of alcohol. Eventually he had a complete personality change because long term use of alcohol affect the brain. He was always angry, verbally abusive and towards the end, he became physical. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and the alcoholic.. is a victim at its mercy. I suffered immensely and so did my children and the alcoholic. My life was unmanageable. I tried to help him but the more I tried the worst things got. We separated because I could not live in constant fear, worry, anxiety and distress. He died after about a year of separation from me and the children. I am still hurting and struggling from my wounds from alcohol. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that cause the alcoholic to be selfish and unreasonable. Even though he loves you, alcohol comes first and if you try to stand in its way, he is going to give you hell. Please try to find help for you and your children. Try Ala noon, turn to God and pray. Remember not to criticize and only talk to him about his behavior only when he is sober. Try to turn your life and your will over to God.He will intervene. My heart goes out to you. Also looking back, I see that my husband just could not not control alcohol. He is also came from a family in which some persons suffered from alcoholism. He was financial well off too. He owned a quad bike, a boat and a jeep but he could not stop drinking. Take care. I leave you with the serenity prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

  • Patti

    Hi Mel, I too know how you feel. This website an blogsite is chock full of wonderful helpful information, by many individuals who’ve also been where we are. At first I was to worried about our reputation to share with anyone. The weight became so heavy I had to let it go. I have a best friend who is a wonderful listener and she had one similar experience to share from. She divorced and now married to a man with the normal amount of baggage, as we all have some…I found local Alanon meetings to be my greatest resource and “toolbox”. Have gone the online meetings, but the live communication and relationships forged at live meetings feel more powerful to me. I tried a few before finding one where I feel at home, like one of the family…Alanon is enabling me to climb down from the tree long enough to accept what is happening, determine what my next steps would be and when I need to take them. Alanon is my new safe place. This website is #2 best tool for me. Just know that there are many folks who understand and that things do not have to stay the same if you can decide on action/s to take care of yourself, and any kids are top priority. May you find understanding and power to do what you need to do.

  • Mandy

    Hi Mel,

    My husband is in recovery and offered to share here to try to provide you some perspective

    Hi Mel,

    My name is Mike and I am an alcoholic. The first thing you need to do is not understand but tell yourself and truly believe that you are not crazy and you are not the problem. I have been working on this quite intensely right now. Today is day 50 for me and I am working very intensely at my recovery right now. Don’t get put off by my amount of recovery or feel like you should be referring to the ‘heavyweights’ as I have playfully coined them. Get to that later. I don’t know how many people you have spoken to about this or how long you have reached out but let me congratulate you for telling a bit. You may not know that you have just taken the first and most important step in your recovery. Yes YOUR recovery. your husband is an alcoholic. That is no judgement. For all of my life I thought I knew what one was. My dad was one and very abusive so as long as I didn’t act like him then the title didn’t fit for me. I viewed it as an insult, addicts and drunks sleep in cardboard boxes. I have no shame in calling myself one right now. Your inner peace is being compromised by a vicious disease. ….part 1 …cont’d

  • Mandy

    …. Continued. I have spent hours around tables and hearing other’s stories. Every one is the same. Yes the fine details, job, relationship, whatever vary but it’s truly amazing to hear so many people just say “holy s@@t me too”. I also frequent NA and CA meetings because of my treatment program. The substance being abused is not the real issue. We’re told it’s actually only 10% this is not a drinking problem, thinking problem. This one is very hard for the non alcoholic to hear and understand but take this very seriously. You are at the piont where you feel your husband hates you but he doesn’t he hates himself. He hates the fact that his loyalty is with his disease. Trust me I have hurt many people myself. The shame and the guilt that I felt inside every day is truly what I would consider a glimpse into hell. This disease is cunning and baffling. That is what you are feeling. How could someone keep drinking when he knows the outcome? Right? For you the answer is easy. Just stop. For us it is very different. Cont’d

  • Mandy

    Continued again 3 of 3. it’s not that we don’t care that we are hurting others. This disease is PROGRESSIVE. As this goes on it only gets worse. The front part of the alcoholic’s brain becomes less active. this is where consience, reason, and consequences come from. Your husband is very intelligent I know this. Yes life gets hard and spouses argue but he is making sure that you are hurt, angry, gets that icy stare, and the kids want to spend less and less time around him. Because now he has an excuse right? I only do this because of my wife and now the blame is squarely on you, not him. Childeren are innocent and just want love. He knows he can’t show it when he wants to be numb. Instead of saying HE needs to get help. Ask yourself what do I have to do to help myself. You can change yourself but no power in this world can change him, except him. You have a burden now that you never saw coming. I’m sorry for that. It’s not easy. But you have to really start with you. You are worth it start believing that.

  • Patti

    WOW! The information being shared on here is just amazing! Thank you everyone, we can all help each other!

  • C

    Excellent responses. I, too, feel like my story was being told here. The alcohol only gives a person the guts to do and say what they want to in order to be left alone with their drink. Getting a life helped me deal with an A bf. I had to leave the house, have lunch with a friend or go window shopping, etc. Even gardening was a blessing!

    I knew I had to do something because i was losing my personality – my life. I hope you will find a close friend for support and make decisions that will give you and your child a happy and healthy life. We only have one life and it should be a celebration with people who are thriving.

  • Patti

    Yes! When the going gets tough the tough get going! It has been a learning curve for me: At first, I was so nervous around my drinking AH that I had to physically leave our home. I have a few wonderful friends that let me drop in on them. I also found I can do my grocery shopping or other errands, instead of hanging with my AH in his negativity. As time went on, I found I don’t always need to physically leave the house. I can go to another room, and do something I need or want to do. More time went on, and I’ve discovered that I don’t even have to leave the room. I became able to mentally/emotionally detach from my AH simply by doing a solo activity, by concentrating on myself and what I’m doing, rather than “the elephant in the room”. How amazing to discover that elephant isn’t near as big and bad as I first imagined! By detaching from my AH’s moods, I’ve found that he often will “let me be”, and the home atmosphere is much improved. I breathe easier, feel calmer and less anxious, which allows me to take the time needed to choose the best options for my future. When I’m anxious or rushed, I don’t make the best decisions….If things change, I can change too. Peace be with all of you.

  • Deb

    You can not remain in love with a person who abuses you. There are life circumstances which bind us to the condition of our life but the behavior of an angry alcoholic will end your affection. My suggestion would be to accept the death of being in love with him. While you live there allow it to complete itself, to extinguish itself. When you have transitioned I think the next thing you should do is see if you can change the circumstance of your life. If you are unable to, then you will have to redesign your life so that you cut him out of it completely. You may live together but you will need to create a separate life. If he begins to feel this distancing he will make a choice to change or not.

  • Mel

    Wow, first off I just want to thank you guys for responding to my story. You truly are a blessing for me. Mandy’s husband have me some things to really think about. It makes better sense to me the way things intentionally happen in order for him to be able to spend his quality time with the bottle in peace. It is a terrible feeling to watch someone you love kill themselves slowly every single day. Did I mention he was a diabetic? When will this disease catch up to him and become nonenjoyable because of the bigger issues of his health are now taking over? Is it wrong for me to wish him bad health so bad that he has a dr.s order to stop what he is doing? My head is not in the right place in not where I should be as far as figuring out ways to help MYSELF. I feel like all my energy is going into his life all the while knowing I’m going to end up crying my eye out because of the words that flow so freely out of his mouth. When is enough enough? Why isn’t it enough in my case? I don’t want to love him anymore I don’t want to care anymore because then it would be so much easier for me to leave but the web I’m in just seems to be impossible to escape from. I have to say again though that the comments I recieved really touched my heart. I haven’t spoke of this to anyone and it was eating me inside. I am going to follow the links some of your gave me and I’m going to start speaking out more. It feels safe on here because I’m not face to face with anyone and I can tell my story without being judged. I would love to hear how Mandy’s husband is doing and I would also love to hear your story Mandy. How did your husband come to the point of wanting to quit and get help? I can only pray that my spouse wil one day want it too. In the mean time I don’t know how much more time I want to spend waiting on that day that may never come.

  • Mel

    Ann, thank you so much, I just saw your response. All sounds so familiar. That serenity prayer is one of my favorites. I gave my life over to the Lord fully about a year ago. I was at my lowest and the only person I could turn to was the Lord. I ask the Lord to please help me and that I knew what I was going through was bringing me closer to him but I’ve also begged that if this was taken from me I would still want to draw near to him and read his word daily. I felt for awhile as if I was given this life situation in order to know who God really is but now I just don’t want to suffer anymore and I wouldn’t think that God would want me to suffer either. I’ve prayed day in and day out and things just get worse. I’ve handed it all to him but yet I still have to live in it! Sometimes it’s so confusing I just pray for clarity…. I thank you Ann again for your response. Just relating to others has helped me more than I can say.

  • Stop living that life I got a restraining order last week I go to court tomorrow to seal the deal call it a day cut your losses run run run away I feel better without him already you only need yourself and the Lord and the Lord only helps those that help themselves get healthy good luck

  • Patti

    Mel, If you are experiencing physical abuse, then you need to take immediate action to protect yourself and any children! I have a good friend who says I can stay with her if needed, and it is such a God-send. My friends are so important to MY recovery! My AH has never physically abused me, so I don’t feel the need for emergency actions. My situation has led me to Alanon, then to a church and Jesus. I’ve added this wonderful blog space. I need and use all these tools. Constant contact and relying on Jesus has removed my fear. I know that he will protect me and lead me to still waters of peace. He will gift me a fruitful life of joy and satisfaction if I just believe in him and lean on him. I have given my will and life to him, and he will let me know when it’s time for me to go. This is not my first Love relationship and I remember when God told me it was over. I physically felt the door of my heart close to that person. I’m asking God and his angels to watch over you.

  • Bill

    Mel, keep trusting God. You will know when it’s time to make a major life change if that’s what you are to do.

    I do feel strongly about this next statement, if you are being physically, sexually or mentally abused let your partner know that you want to get counseling together to try and eliminate the issue from your relationship. If he is willing to work with you, great, if he isn’t willing to work on this problem, get out.

  • Mel

    The advice I’ve recieved has been so helpful. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It is rare that I have a chance to confront the issue while him being sober and I did just that last night. He didn’t drink but I know deep down that I have by far won this battle with his disease. I know that when he doesn’t drink he can’t sleep and he goes through withdrawals which is just another reason that he will continue to drink if for nothing else to stop any withdrawals. All of the neighbors we have are “his” friends and he met another new neighbor that came over the other night with bottles of beer in his hands. All I could do was just shake my head. I feel anger towards new people he meets and drinks with when I don’t even know these people. I find it to be so disrespectful but in this instance the neighbor didn’t know that I was dealing with these issues of alcohol abuse. I have a hard time enjoying our lives because in order for me to spend time with him whether it be going out on lake or going to ride 4 wheelers I have to in some way accept that he is going to get drunk in the process. I just want a normal life. I want to be able to do things and not constantly worry about what’s going to happen. It takes all the joy away. I think to myself how I must come off to others because in this particular instance I automatically felt anger towards the new neighbor when he brought my spouse beer. I’ve always been liked and think of myself as a shy person until I get to know someone but it seems these days I just want to keep to myself because I have no interest in spending time with him and his friends and family when they plan things. I’m always the one that gets the mean drunk at the end if the night. But no one sees that. It’s really hard when he’s such a likable person to everyone and I’m the only one that sees his true self.

  • Paula g

    Hi Mel,
    I know you are hoping for other advice besides leaving, but basically there are alcoholics who know they have a problem and are trying their best to overcome, and there are the other type, who live in denial or just don’t want to change. Your situation leaves nothing left in life for you. Years keep going by, and the loneliness will only get worse and worse until you are a vulnerable shadow of your former self. Have you ever heard of Stockholm syndrome? This is when the kidnap or abuse victim sympathizes with the abuser. I know, I have been there, we believe we are strong enough for both ourselves and our abuser, we forgive him “for he knows not what he does”, but the fact is, he never gives it a second thought and that’s why he knows not, when he seems like he is being nice, he is actually just not abusing and this by default seems like being nice. We can call it by many names, Narcissism or just alcoholism in it’s more degenerative states, the fact is he doesn’t consider you or your needs. We make good targets because we believe in peoples goodness, and in their ability to get well. But there is either progress or there isn’t this is deterioration. Look up “co-dependant”
    Please remember you. Love yourself, you have needs and dreams that are being neglected. I did 18 years in someone elses charge, and I look back each day and see all the time i wasted in my life. your health will give in, as will your self esteem, so many important parts of yourself that you give over to the cause, and in the end it is all for not. I doesn’t have to be that way. You are worthy of real love and a caring companionship, don’t accept less than we all deserve.
    I see my past as a prison sentence, everyday for me now is “on the outside”. Don’t forget, the most successful manipulators are the most charming ones, it’s working for them, nothing more. Good luck sister xo

  • Denise

    Thank you! Your words are perfect and soooo powerful!!
    God bless you and all of us to be as strong as your words!

  • Mel

    Thank you Paula. The harsh reality is one I have a very hard time accepting. Last night was another one of those nights where he comes in late, drunk and of course ignores any and all pleas of mine for him to stop what he is doing. Now I get the silent treatment and 2 days from now we are supposed to go see my son who’s out of town and has a race this weekend. His family has plans to go to another weekend long event and I have a guy feeling he will go with them and leave me to drive to see my son race. This is the type betrayal I deal with and I’m left to feel the burden of it. A wave of sadness comes over me when I think about what could happen. I wish I could trust that our plans will go through but I can’t trust anything when it involves him. The prison statement is how I feel sometimes well most of the time. I do everything right and I’m always home and I’m always one that keeps her word. All I want is a partner but it’s all about him and what his needs and wants are. Mine are irrelevant. I am going to find a counselor I can atleast talk to and get some of my frustration out. I’ve been holding in so long it’s literally tearing me up inside. I don’t know what it feels like to have someone to ask me am I OK or to just hug me and tell me all will be alright. Thinking back I can’t even remember one time where he was concerned about me being upset or wanting to make it right. I’ve no proof of him being unfaithful just a few times of him texting another woman. That to me is being unfaithful and he does it when he’s drinking. Last night he sat in his vehicle drinking and on his phone and I became so angry I confronted him when I know that is the worst thing I could possibly do. He accuses me of the things that I think he himself is doing. That’s the only way any if his comments would make any sense. I am hoping that counseling will help me because in my situation I can’t just pack up and leave. Him knowing that financially I depend on him is another reason why he takes me for granted and treats me so poorly. Please continue to pray for me and even though it appears nothing will change ID also ask that you pray for him and that God would move in his life because only he can do miracles. God bless you all.

  • K

    Prayer is sometimes all we feel we have to give. Sometimes we forget to ask for the help we need
    to gather strength to stay or leave. Ask for
    directions and you will surprised at what the answer
    is for you.

  • Mel,
    I get it. I’m financially dependent on him also, and he KNOWS it. And everyone tells me to just leave too. I found that people who are not in this situation just don’t get it and are no help, so I stopped talking about it to them – it just made me more angry. So here’s my advice: You can leave without leaving. You can mentally and emotionally detach from him, and yes, its hard. I’m still working on it, but just take one day at a time. Don’t ask where he’s going, and don’t worry when he’s gone. In fact, don’t ask him for anything, especially to spend time with you. Make you own plans with your family, friends, and kids. If he shows, fine. If not, BE FINE with it. And stay away from his drunk friends. They will bring you down as well. And don’t worry what they think of you – he’s already brainwashed them to make you the bad guy. Trust me, they’re not worth it. Once I stopped trying to make my husband behave like a decent human being, stopped asking him for anything, and just ignored his rantings and abuse, he started to come around. Focus on yourself, not him. You can’t fix him.

  • Denise

    That’s great advice and my new philosophy on life! Thanks “Fedup!”

  • Mel

    Fed up, thank you. I know exactly what you mean as well and a lot of people just don’t understand. I’m trying right now to detach myself. He’s in garage drinking listening to music and texting only God knows who. What hurts me the most besides the drinking is the times in past where I’ve found texts from him to other women. As I sit here it hurts so much to know he has me and the kids here still but yet what he is doing is more important. How could he text be contacting other women knowing his family is right inside. That is the one type of betrayal that I will never overcome. He knows this. I could work through or try to work through just about anything but infidelity is the last straw and all I can do is detach. I wish I could pack up and leave and say this is the consequence of the actions you choose to engage in but I can’t. I feel sick to my stomach and feel like I need to make the choice to not engage in any intimacy with him at all. If he doesn’t respect this family at least enough not to betray us in that way then he doesn’t need me at all. Funny how the only times he wants to make things right is when he wants sex. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I feel like I’ve let it get this far. So many regrets and so much resentment is boiling inside me. I have too big of a heart to betray him and yet he takes me for granted in every way possible. I am glad to know that in your situation your distancing yourself has made him come around. I am living in hell right now and never would have dreamed my life would be like this. Much thanks to you for your post and look forward to more of your insight if you choose to give it. Xo right back atcha;)

  • Mel

    K, I’ve asked for direction for years and am still waiting to have some sort of direction. I pray throughout the day and sometimes will just drive around to think and usually cry my eyes out because of the loneliness I feel everyday. I don’t think I’ve ever felt real love towards me from a man. Didn’t have a dad growing up and that in itself was a burden throughout my childhood. I see all these happy couples and see how 2 people can be so in love and have so much respect for one another and I long for that. I know in my heart I will never get that from my spouse but yet doesn’t stop me from feeling my live for him. I ask myself sometimes how he must feel to get so much love from me all these years especially during his own personal life struggles and then I have to remind myself that he isn’t a normal human being. There’s something missing and I don’t feel like he even has a soul anymore. Alcohol has really changed him and it’s only getting worse. I’m glad I referred to this forum because I see that we can all relate to one another.

  • Paula g

    Hi Mel,
    I don’t know your life details, but look forward to a time or scenario that you will no longer rely on him financially. Maybe your kids are very young or there is a disability making this situation what it is, but you do have choices and having a lot less money for your own freedom and peace is worth the exchange. Consider what would happen if he got thrown in prison or something and couldn’t provide for you anymore. Also if my boyfriend was texting other women, I would be 100% convinced that he was cheating on me, especially with him coming in late.
    I used to sit down and write for hours trying to figure out how to survive that life, There is no direction that makes it okay, and the loneliness you describe is a wound that only gets worse. The one thing that will certainly keep you from having that dream of a loving relationship, is staying with that man. Ask God to show you how you could feel love for a man who doesn’t respect or care for you, and try to accept the possibility that it’s not love and that you have always been struggling with loneliness and your need for love and your own lifes pain is all bundled up and tangled in your cycle of pain. Love is supposed to be a place where you meet another in the middle, free to come and go at will, light and happy and above all safe.
    I used to believe that I was cursed in love and that i would never have it, but this is a self perpetuating fear. You need to find yourself, rediscover what your boundaries are and respect them, this is how you learn to love yourself. Don’t accept anything you don’t want to, and certainly don’t accept your place for financial reasons. He doesn’t get to own you. If these children are his he has to support you.
    They say after 7 years in a relationship situation we start to accept it as our fate. Do you want to go down with a slow sucking sound? The answers are in you sweetie, but don’t try to find them in your head, because your thoughts are over riding your gut, and your gut knows what is or isn’t acceptable for YOU.

  • FILOMENA

    Is it all too much work yet? Why can’t the alcoholic put the drink down and work on making the relationship work don’t you think it’s time for someone to work hard to be with you love yourself go away get away save your life

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