I became so enmeshed with the the person I loved. I let their dominant personality effect me too much. The alcoholic in my life at one point could just look at me wrong and I would be devastated.
“What happened to that sweet person I fell in love with?”
Coping with this enmeshment problem takes a while. Perhaps because you are reading this you have an awareness of some of what is going on in your life as it relates to interacting with an alcoholic.
I don’t understand how it happens, but they can be so nice to us in one moment and the next raving mad for no reason at all. It’s one of the personality traits of a problem drinker. The technical term is dysfunctional behavior.
Should we say that we are codependent? To me this would mean that my emotions of feeling good or bad are directly “dependent” on how another person treats me. The answer to this problem is found in discovering yourself again. Who are you without this persons opinions about you? I found that as I developed healthy relationships in my church and through support groups like Al-anon, I started to like me for who I am. My emotional stat was no longer dependent upon how the problem drinker treated me. This took a while, but it is possible to achieve this place where the actions of the dominant alcoholic no longer effect how you think about yourself.
How do we break away from being effected by an alcoholic’s dominant personality? This is certainly going to be a process that will take dedication to wanting to get well. Yes, you are sick just like me. We are because we let the actions of others dictate our happiness or sadness during the day.
Protect Yourself from the Dominance of an Alcoholic
Here are a few suggestions that can help you protect yourself from the alcoholic whose opinions about you are constantly effecting your moods. The answer lies in understanding that they cannot meet our needs because they are emotionally bankrupt themselves.
Try to find a support group specifically designed to help friends and family members of alcoholics. Do this today. The sooner you start interacting with others who are dealing with alcoholism too, the better off you will be. Living with an alcoholic is almost impossible without help from others who understand the disease.
When anyone says something negative about you, ask yourself this question; “Is that true?” The chances are that most of the devastating things that the alcoholic is saying to you are not really true. They have a way of belittle us with lies that for some reason we think are the truth about us. So many of our negative emotional responses to their lies about us stem from wanting to be accepted by them. Our codependency causes us to become devastated even when what they are saying is totally not true about us.
They cannot make us happy. This is an inside job that we must take care of. We look to them to make us happy and that’s an impossible task for them. The sooner you accept this truth, the better off you will be. Thsi is an excellent read: Being Happy With An Alcoholic.
Start keeping a journal so that you will begin to recognize the times when the alcoholic’s dominant personality traits are starting to effect you.
Begin setting boundaries. There are ways of protecting yourself from the mood swings of an alcoholic.
Learning how to break the enmeshment associated with being in a codependent alcoholic relationship takes work. It is a process that takes time to get through. As you start setting boundaries and attending meetings with others like you, you will begin to learn how to deal with an alcoholic who tends to have a dominant personality. Your feeling of being rejected will be less as you understand yourself and the problem drinker more.
Even though I do not see any comments, that doesn’t mean that it falls short.This is a very good article.
I am so grateful to you and the work you/your team? do to provide this site.It is so helpful.Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for your site and insight . This is exactly what I needed to hear today.
I like the statement fromt he article “Should we say that we are codependent? To me this would mean that my emotions of feeling good or bad are directly “dependent” on how another person treats me.” I never understood the idea of codependency quite as well as i do now that i read this statement. I so had no value in myself becasue i took my value from how my AH saw me or felt about me. But once i started working on me and now i have value in myself for who i am, i no longer need his approval and am free from his control because of this. I think in order to not unwillingly enable an addict and to break out of the cycle of addiction we all need to find value in ourselves.
Very well written and valued right to the heart strings. Thanks JJ
It s hard not to be co-dependent when you married agreeing you wanted waht the Bible says…about being one in Christ…I know everyone has faults…but this is just an extra problem …that is more complex than just everyday little quirks someone brings in to marriage…I was lied to…he drank fake beers to fit in with my friends who like to line dance where they serve drinks…cause he wanted to fit in…he said he didnt drink…(&he had no temper).then on honeymoon he drank constantly (& threw temper tantrums)…I found aa books in his home….he said he had no anger probs…which are escalated when he drinks…hes abusive emotionally & physically when he drinks….anyway…things he loved about me ,he hated when we married contantly trying to fit me in to his perfectionistic rules he had for self & the world….& after reading this & watching video its an eye opener…the nice to us one moment & raving mad the next..this was what i had to deal with on daily basis…& I began to avoid him…I was afraid of his outbursts started sleepig in another room..…he tryed to stop lots of times…but to no avail…he wouldnt go to aa again & he couldnt go into a facility.(Job reasons).he kept saying he was going to stop many times, but started sneaking..he cant do it his self…anyway…when I cried out to God i couldnt take it anymore..he got a better job offer out of state. he said thigs would be different cause stres would be less…but he skyped me drinking & had an angry tone not respectful most times he called…this made it easier to file for divorce…he was a functional alcoholic…I wont answer his phone or e-mails…cause its hard to let go of the ideal marriage I want to have.. but staying with him would be enabling him to comtinue. …abuse…he left voice mail saying he was going to stop …a promise made so many times before….& I know he cant do it hiself unless hes institutionalized so my heart is broke…if i could wave a magic wand & his alcoholism go away ..he would just have to work on his anger problems that escalate when he drinks…he said he dont take perscrip. pills or do pot anymore but hes lied about that before too…hes totally broken my trust & our marriage….& my heart….I wondered how you can avoid arguing with alcoholics…hed get mad when I replied & turn anything I said around to argue…or accuse me of not listening when i didnt reply to avoid an argument…& down me for just walking away to have peace…he said things like okay be a kid …take your crayons & leave….I couldnt win…nothing worked…how do ya handle this side of an alcoholics personality?
Hi Carollyn, Your story sounds identical to mine. After 21 years of marriage and with the kids begging me to get them away from my AH I finally divorced. I too did not want to let go of the dream i had for the marriage we spoke of while dating. But packing up 3 kids almost on a daily basis to leave for a few hours because he became violent soon became too taxing and I decided we did not want to live this way anymore. Long story short the divorce is final and the children and i are living a much more calm existence and doing things that he would never let us do. Of course there was a bumpy road for a while and we ended up with a protection order against my exah and that is the only reason he is not harassing us anymore. But one step at a time and we are slowly changing ourselves and bettering our lives. Sorry to say this but in my case there was no way to stay with him and have serenity. He made that an impossible choice. And he even told me he did not want to quit drinking and never will. So I know i made the right choice. Sure he is still filing ridiculous charges against me in court but I am hoping since the truth already came out and he was caught lying during a hearing that his antics will not work and he will tire of using the courts and paying out money just to hurt me and the kids since he cannot contact us directly now without going to jail. So leaving is hard so very hard. But staying was literally killing me inside. Carollyn, it sounds to me like your marriage was as false as mine was and that he was a deceiver not a husband in the true sense of a word. No matter how much you love him, you cannot save him, leave him to God and then he must make his own choices. Save yourself for now.
Carollyn, one more thing i want to add is that i understand loving your ah so much that you feel you do not want to desert him, but you must not lose yourself in the process. So tread with caution when making choices that involve helping him and only offer the help that will dry him out and get him the program he needs to learn to live without alcohol. Otherwise you may be heading down the wrong path for you.
Carollyn, have you tried empoweredrecovery.com ? Very helpful suggestions to the questions you are asking above in your post.
Thankyou so much! Your comments give me hope…So happy things are better for you & kids! I have attacks where im still wondering what if…he agrees to go into a treatment facility…but I dont think he would..cause of new job…then theres his anger issues that are there even when he dont drink…uggg…letting go of hope is so hard…like ya said…Im lonely but its so much more peaceful…& I pray a lot…guess if he really cared hed volunteer to go into facility…not jst say Im right & he will quit his way like so many times before…I forgive him…but cant be an enabler…your right..thanks for helping me & God bless!!!!*O:-) angel
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Thankyou for the post on empoweredrecovry.com ..will check out….so should I suggest he go into a facility ? He cant stop his self…& i do feel like Im deserting him ..your right….but by staying Im allowing him to abuse me…what to do? what to do? I dont answer his calls…Im a softy…Im trying to go through with the divorce without crumbling…my grown son says divorce him…& if he stopped drinking & you & he are still single in a few years then tell him maybe another try…but honestly…I dont know if Im the one who should suggest going in for treatment…should he be coming up with these ideas with the want to to stop? I dont know the legal issues for this..but he took job on probation that they liked him…so I dont know if the job would legally be obligated to let him get in-treatment until after the 6 mo. period…do you?
Hi Carollyn, i think your son has wonderful advice. Divorce or separate and then after he has been in recovery and has stopped drinking for a year or two and if you are still willing to trust him to try again, then think about getting back together. You are not deserting him right now, you have already suggested his getting treatment. Allow nature to take its course. He will eventually get to a point where he hits bottom and decides to die an addict or get help. You need to focus on your peace of mind. You need to focus on making changes within yourself no matter what actions he takes. So let fall what will befall him. If his work finds out he is an alcoholic they may get him treatment or they may fire him. Mine got fired one week after our divorce was final because he was discoverd to be intoxicated at work and made a mistake that cost the company money. I will tell you that he will not stick to recovery if he has not hit his bottom. You are hurting yourself by worrying about him. My suggestion for now is to focus on making changes in your life and learning to live without feeling that your responsibility is caring for him. You are more than that.He needs to start paying consequences for his actions and choices and if you stay trying to figure out how to “make” him get help, it will be a lost cause for you both. This is what i have learned from my experience. And believe me he is still making the choice to drink and blame me for his life right now but i know he is in the situation he is in because of his actions and choices and nothing i would have done or said will have changed that. believe me i understand your hesitation and wanting to stay and try different things but you have to learn to redirect those thoughts and tell yourself you are helping him by making him decide to face his choices and you are harming him by stalling the time it will take for him to hit bottom if you keep trying to help him when he does not want it. Allow him to reach that point by focusing on your mental and emotional health. I know it is easier said than done, and i only was able to do this once i stepped back and viewed our relationship and what i have been through during 21 years of marriage and realized that our relationship was unhealthy and by allowing him to use my soft heart against me he had us all living in hell. Time to take care of yourself and let him fall it may actually save his life. But either way you need to focus on yourself or you will never get to the point where you can let him go and let God take over.
I cant thankyou enough ..for this revelation…It helps that youve been through it & are sharing to help me..I dont cry easily..but I am crying now….Just to know someone is saying what I dont want to face but know is right in my heart…..so hard to face but i know i have to..& actually what ya said about hitting bottom…maybe this will be his bottom….maybe divorcing him will eventually bring him out with Gods help……God bless you & yours….& millions of thanks…& hugs to you & yours!
God Bless, Carollyn. I know it is hard to give up on a dream. I know you can do this it is very difficult but you have started down the right path to a happier you. Don’t give up! God go with you! And feel free to post more if you need to vent or share your feelings.
I appreciate the open invite…Gods blessings!
Carollyn, you are making the right choice. You cannot stay loyal to a man like this because at the end of the day he will not appreciate your loyalty. Mine, after five years and two young kids and a lot of promising and lies, decided that he didn’t want us anymore. Kicked us out his house when he heard his mom needed a place to stay and she drinks as much as he does and since then, has gone through so many women and never once felt any remorse for the pain that he caused us. When he’s lonely or depressed, he will phone and want us back and ‘love’ us but two days later, he’s back to not needing us again and weekends are the worst.I allowed all of this as I lived in denial as well but I’ve had to face up to the truth of the situation and take a stand. These people are sick and twisted and they don’t love anyone except their drink. We are all pawns to use for some sort of gratification. Once they are done with us, they discard us like used trash. Very sad!! I wish I had known this a year ago and left him when I wanted too but he always begged me to stay and I stayed because I love him. Now I’m left bitter, angry, depressed and devastated that my kids don’t even mean much to him either. All he wants is alcohol and women.
Brigitte, you are absolutely correct and mine was the same way. We have been separated for 2 years at the end of this month and we have been divorced for 9 months. But he is still the same as when we left him. He drinks and carries on and anything that goes wrong in his life is my fault. He has no concern for my feelings or how he treated me and the children for years. He only cares about his feelings and what he feels he is entitled to. He demands that we do for him but has no concern for us at all. He stranded us financially and then even expected me to pay his bills when he lost his job. Even though he was not paying support and never had since we left him. HE knows i made one third of what he made and still did not care. This is a cold hearted selfish man and i cannot believe i loved him, cared about his feelings and happiness, and felt sorry for him when all he did in return was hurt us. I am so glad to be away and am working on not feeling like i wasted 21 years of my life in a marriage with him. Sorry for my children that they had to experience life with an alcoholic self-centered man as a father. But we are all working on ourselves and being free from the abuse has helped trmendously. God be with you all!
Thanks for your posts everyone. I need them like air. My ah b/f I have only been with coming up 7mths. I was in complete denial when I met him. This man has fathered 9 children to 5 women of whom he is denied any access. He told me all sorts of stories around this. Now I understand that these stories are woven from his own denial and diseased state. He has been drinking since he was 13 and he is now 52. He exhibits similar behaviour to your ah men. Very nice one minute, nasty the next. Lying, paranoid, massively controlling, interrogative and is convinced I am cheating etc etc….
My heart strings get pulled back to him when he is nice. The promises he makes of getting treatment. All maniupulations, ungrounded, there to serve his needs for what he wants in the moment.
I’m a soft compassionate person. It hurts like buggery. I’m trying to get out of my isolation pattern and go to meetings of all sorts. Al-anon yesterday was good. I need to keep hearing people’s stories to knock me out of my denial and clinging to a dream of this man. I need to keep re-focusing on my needs.
It’s such a crazy thing to be split, in reality I am scared of him, I’m scared of how I feel around him, my body goes into tremor and I get all frozen up. Why? Because I walk on thin ice. Anything can trigger him into madness…then it’s endless accusations, endless phone calls which I have learnt and am learning not to get hooked into.
You can’t win in conversation. They are not in an adult frame of logic mind. They are just sick and wanting to argue and argue and argue. It’s insane.
I tried using rationale to relate to him, to soothe his paranoia….no that didn’t work. Underneathe they don’t want a solution or peace. They actually want to argue. So no point going in with great relational skills.
The skills required for me are boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and he pushes them like crazy.
I feel terrified of what he will do next from day to day. When he’s nice I have a little break but underneath I live in trepidation of the next attack. My denial says there won’t be another attack. Only to be replaced with another miserable onslought.
Reality verses the dream and denial. That is my challenge.
I understand what Al-anon is trying to do. Because my mind set is external on him. What he does, or doesn’t do determines how I feel from moment to moment. It is like an obsession. I can see how he keeps me anxious and angry all the time. Because he is erractic, illogical, predictably unpredictable, dangerous, then nice, irresponsible. When I was living with him it was a full time job just trying to cope. Luckily I got him out of my house. But my head is still trained to focus on what he is doing all the time and feeling anxious and angry.
Having time away from him is what I need to help me bring the focus of my needs back as I am very sensitive and find impossible to do it whilst living with him or in close proximity to him. I’m 1 1/2hrs away now so he can’t stalk me so easily.
Trying to fill my days with my choices of what is healthy for me, being around healthy people, hearing the truth, making myself read these posts daily to knock myself back to reality, loving myself the best I can, talking to my therapist, attending self help groups. Bringing the focus back to me where I have some control and not him where I have zero control.
Thanks for listening 🙂
Wow…I relate so much to so many of everyones comments…yesterday was our anniversary,,,he called ..I didnt answer …but it was hard…I cryed all day..I called my son…he said mom dont you dare answer..hes not going to change…J..I too am away in miles from mine…way far away…..so thats good …Im a softie…thats why it has been 2 years yesterday we were married…11/11/11 at 11 in the morning…hes a computer person…so ya see he picked date…Irally relate to the comment “my heart strings are pulled when hes nice”…thats why I dont answer calls & Im off skype…..cause this is what happens to me…its better not to read e-mail or answer calls…or doors…I read one of the characteristics of an abuser is they can e very charming…mine could be charming & mean all in one conversaton. Also he doesnt think rationally..ya cant have an adult conversation with him..without it being turned aroud somehow to a “poor me” senerio…or a pointing finger bk at you …with things that dont even mean a hill of beans or compares apples & oranges..theres just no peace…they always want to argue…he would get mad at me when I would walk away from him when he tryed to argue…accusing me of..taking my crayons & leaving…or he would say something to upset me & if I did try & say no thats not what I said or try & set his thiking straight…hed walk away…& point his finger at me & say now whos wanting to argue or now whos angry…you need to change too…I could never “fix” things by explaining he was thinking wrong..turning thngs around…sometimes Id just say oh Im sorry..even when I didnt do a thing…just to keep peace…he was always angry…& always had an excuse for it & for his drinking…& called it “cranky”(hate that word)…it was much more than that fire came out of his eyes…appeared to.…..hed beat his self in chest & head till he thought he had a concussion..…put his head through wall one time..put pillow over his head like he was trying to suffocate his self…rock bk & forth feeling air like he ddint know where he was…”accidently broke my nose”…& then apologizes charming behavior…then hed start over the abuse cycle again…& I hung on a thread of hope everytime he said he was trying & wouldnt do it again…I hesitated to talk about something….was it the right time? How can I say something right without him turning it into something it is not? Would he get mad for any reason ?..For example dont ya think Im tired after working all day…& many other excuses… he would blame his ex gfs & ex wife for a knee jerk reaction cause they abused him just like his mom did…all manipulators like his mom…just recently he said that to me…..then I knew all the times I felt sorry for him cause everyone treated him so bad (even people at work also & he was bulied in school..all just another one of his excuses I guess to justify whatever he was doin bad at time..angry..drinking ..being mean.talking..or body language……& he does have mommy issues…he is mad constantly…he was always mad at people, things, the world, me ,…his self,…nothing operated good enough for him to not be angry about just living..he wasnt even good enough for his self…uggg…dont know why all that came out…sorry for venting…makes me think…i need to be happy…but i get sad again…I guess just wishing he could have changed…things could have been different…would have…could have…should have….if…he would have really wanted to & went in-treatment for help…but he keeps thinking he can do it his self..but hes tryed…he cant..whats different about my husband from what Ive read is hes a functioning alcoholic..he holds a job…does a good job..just went to another state to make more money..hes clever…he told me he didnt drink before we married…he drank fake beer…he said he didnt have a temper…when I asked him why he didnt tell me after marriage……he said…if I told you you wouldnt have dated me..hes right…& so I would have never married him either…he started drinking & throwing tantrums on honeymoon & never stopped…what a shock..annulment needs proof..(my word against his)..takes a long time…& costs a lot of money…& I made a vow..& he kept promising hed try …& J…your story hits home with me…in many ways nice one minute/mean the next..does he get mad at you for not letting the mean part go & focusing on the positive about him? Mine said I was negative about him & me…they always point finger bk at you…at least mine does…mine is also very controlling about a lot of things & paranoid (maybe cause he did pot too)…the lies…well anything he didnt want me to know hed just deny…he said he stopped smoking pot…when I asked him in counselor. he said .stopped a long time ago like he said…& I saw pot & pipe..etc. accidently…in closet I caught him at his lie..he said well I dont smoke as much as I used to..I guess that was supposed to make the lie okay?….he lied bout texting a girl(although I beleive she was just a smoking friend..am I being niave?) he claimed she missed him..however i found out he texted her & told her he missed her..he said he was against porn & I walked in on him …he said oh the tapes blank..& the next time…I noticed the light was on so I tok tape out..he freaked out pulled it away from me said get back hit my nose…said… oh that was in alley …& I was just curious what was on it..it was labled a sex
tape…I forgave him……but it was the lies…him claiming to be so against them…along with the other lies…it just breaks trust in marriage…if he would have sid i miss eating with a female friend of mine…Id say go ahead & eat with her..actually I did..to show him that wasnt what i was mad (…& the porn…he could have said…he didnt usually watch them ..just curious…whats wrong with honesty? i forgave for everything..but its the break in trust that ruins a marriage……anyway J…I cant believe Im telling you this cause I have moments when I want to believe the voice mail he left me. that i was rigth he had a problem drinking…but Ive lost myself..me…my personality..he was so controlling…I now have to think for myself…wow! I didnt realize how controling he was …I almost feel like I have to retrain myself to do the normal everyday things most prople do…my way that works for me..not the perfect way he thought things should be…& now controlling my finances he took over…its a new learning experience…all over again..but Im slowly getting there…where did I go? Im getting my groove back I guess…lol….A lady at store the other day said I luv talking to someone bubbly…maybe that means Im slowly coming back..she ddint see me 10 minutes before that when i was crying…I really think its just hard for me to face the reality that its over & its not going to change..I want to wave a majic wand & make it go away…I want him to be sincerely sorry …enough to go to no lengths to get me back…but he has a higher paying job & with his family in weather he likes…& even if he stopped drinking that fuels his anger..hes angry even when he dont drink…sorry Ive went on & on…but its a lot more peaceful around here..& J…you are on your way to facing things too…& you didnt marry him…so just walk away..no divorce or kids…those are 2 things ya have going for you…yah!…Take your control back..find yourself again…Im on the same path you are on..its not fun to be afraid of someone..I put crates in front of my door when Id sleep in another bedroom…so I could hear if he came in…I didnt think hed hurt me…but its just seeing the anger & craziness…its the what if…yes I was afraid of him…the anxious feeling inside(you described J ) all the time whether to talk, when to talk, if he would turn his anger on you…what if he lost control? Mine said he didnt remeber breaking my nose the next day ..then he said oh he remebered he tryed to push me away by the shoulders & got my nose…well either way its scary…they could have a black-out cause of drinking & not know what.they are doing…or be irrationlly angry & out of control…not a fun way to live…totally intimidated to do or say anything…& the loss of trust..which includes feeling you are in a safe place not only physically but emotionally being free to be yourself without being in fear of how to act or what to say! lets all remeber we have a choice…lets pray to God for the wisdom to make the right ones… God bless you all!…
They will never believe it, but they choose to drink and have a crappy life.
If one has an infection and you give them a bottle of antibiotics, unless they take them, it is of no use.
Stop wasting your time.
Insightful comment….Your right it is a choice…if they choose to stop &make a choice to stop& cant do it themselves they should turn theirselves in to an in-treatment center…if they really want help…am I right? Also does anyone know the success rate of the people that voluntarily put themselves in wanting to change? Thanks Mike….did you come to this conclusion from personal experience,or do you work somewhere that deals with alcoholics? Do you think peope drink because its an escape from life…thats what I always seem to hear from my husband…Im drinking because I had a hard day..or stressed…or happy….or sad…or something didnt work right… or he wasnt treated right from way back when from everyone & presently….my husband said he had competence…but set high standards …he felt not even his self lived up to..are these just excuses to drink? Why would someone want a crappy life…drinking just adds to problems & ruins relationships…I just dont get it? I know its recognized as a disease…but….maybe the medicine to this disease is an intense disire to stop so relationships can flourish & self esteem can be restored…Im inclined to think its a psychological disease ..or becomes one after they become addicted….I know it affects their thinking….negatively…which comes first the chicken or the egg? he was abused as a chilld & used that as an excuse…now thinks all women are like his mom…he has a victum mentality…& severe anger issues…dont know if all theses things are similar characteristics of an alcoholic..but a lot of them are…I looked them up on internet & my husband had all of them..it was very interesting…so to me this points to a psycological issue…any comments on my questions or insights on what i shared? Guess Im one who likes to try to undrstand the why behind why people do what they do? Thanks to all on here that have shared ..dont stop…it helps me cope with the reality of it all.. Thankyou!!!!
Carolyn, It took a long time for me to realize how alcohol affects the brain. The
alcohol not only destroys the brain but also the person using it. He cannot change
because the alcohol has control of his brains reaction to the poison he is ingesting
heavily on a regular basis. Sounds simple doesn’t it? When you live with an AH you
change to accomodate the marriage, so we become just as sick as they are. It is time
to think of the person you once were, and where you are in the alcoholics merry- go
round that has caused you to hang in there like a whipped pup hopeing the love you
once knew will return. God is my strength, I am not sure He wants me to stay or go.
Good Luck, Me
Hello Friends, Our stories are so similar because we have one thing in common – and ALCOHOLIC in our lives. I’ve been going through the many things that most of you share from porn, prostitutes, financial strain, the blaming game, keeping us in anger and anxiety the bizarre behavior and on and on and on.. The truth of the matter is we are not responsible for their behavior or should we beat ourselves over the head with the guilt of falling in love with someone who clearly lied about who they were and the disease they have. I’m tired of crying of asking myself questions over and over and of being mentally abused my AH who I love dearly but won’t continue to be his enabler or his codependent. Enough is Enough! I have two children who need their mother to be mentally sane in order to be there for them. I have learned that by education myself on Alcoholism is the only way to gain serenity and freedom from this life of turmoil pain. I thank GOD for author Doug Thorburn and his book entitled Alcoholism Myths & Realities “Removing The Stigma of Society’s Most Destructive Disease. This book has been an eye opener along with helping me cope and deal with my AH. Staying in our toxic relationships is really our choice. With the this I am learning how to deal with my AH, I’ve already put the cards on the table with him and I’ve let him know that the days are counting down and although I love him I choose serenity and peace in my life. So there is no surprises when the time comes (financially can) when I walk out the door when you have children there is lots to consider and we must protect them from this. Alcoholism is a biochemistry disease, just like we inherit many this from our parents like heart, diabetes disease etc.. That’s how alcoholism works. Once it enters into the blood stream its downhill from there. That is the reason for the personality disorders, the promiscuity, the engage in erratically destructive behavior, while non-alcoholics rarely do. Alcohol is the most destructive drug among the illegal drugs like crack cocaine heroin etc.. Alcohol causes severe brain damage which causes poor behaviors we see in our AH, AB or family members and friends. Alcohol in the human body is converted first into a poison acetaldehyde and then into acetate both of which find their way to the brain. This is the reason our AH may have a “GOD” like attitude like their entitled to everything while we are being ridiculed by them. They have an inflated ego making them feel empowered. They suffer from distortion of perceptions and memory, this is the reason there is no rationalizing with an alcoholic, the poison in their brain makes them believe that everything they do is good or right and nothing bad or wrong. This opinion of the Alcoholic own perception is the reason they develop a “god-like sense of self, which translates into an inordinately large sense of self-importance or an inflated ego. All alcoholics can choose not to drink,however due to the biochemistry that makes them feel good and at the same time causes distortions of perceptions and memory, they cannot see that their drinking is a problem and that is causing problems in relationship. Thanks to this book I am able to have a better sense of who I’m dealing with and I have minimized everyday chaos in my life. We must do all we can to hold the alcoholic accountable for misbehaviors which include total disengagement from our personal relationships for as long as active addiction continues. I fight with myself everyday to do this but I do it because it helps with my peace and serenity. I communicate with my AH and because I’m a christian woman I treat him with love and respect but I must do what is necessary to guard my heart as GOD doesn’t want anyone to be mistreated or stay in an unhealthy relationship. We need to take care of our selves because while they are in this denial and refuse to get out of it we are the ones that are suffering as they can’t see any problems in their behavior due to the damage alcohol has done to their brain. I’ve learned through my book that “Denial” implies a willful refusal to not admit to something. Since Alcoholism causes self-favoring distortions of perception and, often, no memory at all, there is nothing to admit. One cannot be in denial about something that the alcoholic is incapable of seeing. However that too is an extremely misleading descriptor, responsible for trememdous misconceptions about alcoholism, it results is much of its stigma. A person in “denial” should know better, therefore, the alcoholic is unintelligent. Worse, a willful attempt to not admit to soemthing makes the person a liar. so the truth of the matter is that the alcoholic is usually not stupid and the diseases compels him to make them lie, he is then not in denial, he cannot be therefore it goes back to them not willing to leave the alcohol alone. We all have experienced the “euphoric recall” this is what causes the alcoholic to remember everything he does or says in a self-favoring light! This is where he/she feels that they don’t act badly – we do! They commit no wrong – we do! If they do something that they should be held accountable we hear “you made me do it!” This “euphoric recall” leads to what appears to be their way of rationalizations. They truly believe that no matter how grotesque, what they did was it was the right thing to do! They have personality disorders, they lie, cheat and do what ever they believe is right – I will recommend that you purchase this book it is the next best thing from my bible.. I only paid $4 for mine and it was a used book but it was in a brand new condition. I love Doug Thorburn for taking the time to make such a great book along with others that also deal with alcoholism. He did this because just like us he fell in love with someone who betrayed him and like many of us he discovered she was not who she portrayed herself to be but she was an ALCOHOLIC. May God continue to help you all with your trials and tribulations and may you someday gain that peace and serenity that we ALL DESERVE. I know that if my relationship doesn’t work out – I will be a proud and peaceful SINGLE mother.. PEACE and LOVE to ALL! Pls excuse any grammatical errors, I’m at work..
love your message and all those of people that share here. You are so brave and wise to put your children first, they need someone to! Good for you!!!! My husband and i are fighting at work again (we work together) and i am determined, no matter how to take this rental house that has come to my path through a friend who owns it and move away into it. I’ll have to get a second job since i have tuition on my daughter to pay that i already can’t afford but am court ordered to pay anyway – so be it I’ll get a second job. i need free of this insanity. he says i’m broken, warped, have terrible mental issues he can’t stand because he thought he could fix them. instead of being supportive when i have family issues he uses them to isolate me. I don’t want to isolate myself from my family! I just need support and a rock, not someone to tell me i’m terrible. Getting through this next few days and weeks as i move out will be miserable for me. God will have to help me get through this and keep myself together emotionally as we work in the same plant (both have office jobs in different part of the facility) and he’s been with the company for 28 years and everyone loves him. We are 13 years apart in age and he will be the victom since he’s older and the beloved one. Its going to suck here for me for a long time. this whole things is going to suck. I’m interviewing for a job that has no incurance at a dr. office and i have it now so i won’t leave where i am for that. i was hoping it would be good timing and get me out of here as i move out but i guess not. if they make me an offer, which i think he will, he’s going to have to include the cost of my own inc. plan to get me to bite. the practice is growing and i would run the business for him as his right arm and that is a salary job and should include 401K and health but i am not sure he’s offering that. i can’t loose those benefits to get out of here…sigh. please pray for me, this is not going to be easy for me any way i do it. Thanks for listening and keep posting it truly inspired and educates me!
Hi Lois, that is part of their tactics. Like I said they will try to manipulate us in every way they can and my AH does the same things to me but thanks to me educating myself with the disease I no longer let that phase me in any way shape or form. If you continue to partake in his mental distortions you will drive yourself crazy. That’s what makes them empowered keeping us angry and filled with anxiety. They feel like GOD when we fall under their craziness and get depressed and walk around the house or work looking miserable.. As the saying goes misery LOVES company and I refuse to be misery’s company. You need to educate yourself then you will learn how to deal with him and his destructive behavior it’s not going to get better if you continue to be his codependent aka his doormat. It hasn’t been easy for me just yesterday I wanted to rip him a new A-hole but I have learned to breath pray and read read read and apply what I’m reading to my life if not I will remain stuck in the cycle of “INSANITY”. You need to take it one day at a time and do your best to handle the things that are priority in your list of TODo’s. It’s not easy trust me I know this is my life too. When your mind is razing it creates anxiety and you will not ever see the bright side to this is you remain anxious. You need to pray I love reading the book of Psalms in the bible – My favorites 140-143 The whole book is uplifting but those scriptures hit me in my heart. I will definitely keep you in my prayers as I always pray for everyone going through trials and tribulations from health, relationships, abuse etc.. We must take care of ourselves and stop obsessing over the alcoholic.. If we allow the obsessing to take over us that’s what will devour us.. I also have health issues and ever since I’ve stopped enabling him by trying to reason or defend myself I’m starting to regain my health back. Alcoholics have personality disorders their brain is damaged from the poison that the alcohol creates. And I tell you reading this book has enlighten me in so many ways that I couldn’t foresee before I started educating myself. It helps a great deal! Take care friend and I’m here for you..
Thankyou all of you…overwhelming..wow…my story is so much like everyone elses…helps me understand what my soon to be ex & I have went through the past 2 years…I was starting to ask my bff if something was wrong with me? Because he always pointed the finger back at me…saying you need to quit drinking too & lots of other things i needed to do.or not do so he wouldnt have to drink…( my one glass of orange martini he immediately made for me as he entered house from work.)…so I did stop…he didnt…that was just another justification for his drinking…it was all someone or somethings fault…..thankyou for all the posts about helpful readings…Im going to find them…used as Marie did…the comment marie made about the denial hit home…since he needed to run something or someonedown to make his self feel better about his self…& its denial…I never thought of the denial aspect..but I understand now..it expains his blame shifting from his self to something else..keeps him from facing the real problem…I see now! I dont know if anyone experienced projection with your alcoholic others…It was amazing to me that when I would try to fix our marriage..not by accusing him…but exposing problem..Im a fixer…he would start turning it into a personal attack on his self…& running his self down to he was no good…blah blah blah…even physical hitting his self..then I would comfort him & baby him so he would stop…apologizing…No I didnt mean it that way..just want to communicate on what we can do to fix marriage…if he didnt do that then it was projecting his negative behavior on me…he went around throwing things in air…you promised the house would be kept perfect for me….he took my dish washer privledges away cause I didnt do according to manual..also the things I asked him to do like please talk to me in a kinder tone…he would say you dont talk in a kind tone either..sometimes…(mine was emotional reaction almost crying…his was angry tone (ballistic)…so then when Id explain this to him hed say…his too was emotional not angry…also…every time I would express something I so desperately needed to feel like he was my friend not my enemy…he would come back with my own words & claim that I did the same thing sa …is this called blame shifting? I just looked it up..this is what its called…he had me thinking i was responsible for his abusive behavior or accuse me of what abusive behavior I was trying to get him to stop to improve our relationship……I strated trying to correct everything that he said I was doing wrong to upset him…but nothing worked… he even corrected how I talked..first by pronouciation issues..& also by saying ” give me the direct object first..I dont know what your talking about” or he would gesture for me to hurry up with his hands to get to the pint…I ended up stuttering..…but Im a person that explains first ..I get to the main object if he would have had patience to wait till the next sentence..I was having to change my entire personality for him…things he said he loved about me when he first met me now I was to even tlk the way he wanted me to.. it was exahusting…I even got down sick with fibromyalgia some times..then I would pray & God would bring me out like he always does…the realality is I think ..at least for me..was if i let down my walls when ithought he was trying to change..during his charming stage….this is when he would change to mean again..(why?) Is it because he felt safe because i softened again..or what? Does anyone have insight on this? so I couldnt be one with him because I had to keep my walls up against enemy attack constantly…at least thats how it felt..(I read that this is part of trust…feeling safe in your enviornment not only from physical harm but being able to be yourself without being controlled…this is also something he blame shifted to me…when I explained why I didnt feel one with him…he came back with the same thing …”I cant be one with you cause your trying to change me”..ugg it was just always a no win -no win…senerio . Maybe when I read some of theses book you all have mentioned Ill find out? This communication Im having with all of you..is just giving me all kinds of revelation.. I thank God for all of you…its helping me understand & also giving me stength to go on & be grateful for this peace i now have like Marie mentioned she now has…lonely…but nice…so happy I have the lord to lean on…& also excuse my grammatical errors…but mine are just cause I cant get this spelling correction thing to work on my computer…lol…God bless…cant tell ya all how grateful i am fro your continued posts!!!!
Carollyn, it’s all the same here.. Everything you said I’m going through the only difference is that I’m not falling for enabling him by trying to explain myself – Alcoholics have no rationalization NONE WHAT SO EVER.. Everything they say is crazy and yes I am the same way the peace maker always trying to help and fix things. That doesn’t work when you deal with an alcoholic nothing you say matters. It doesn’t matter in what tone way language whatever have you.. I’m telling you my light bulb didn’t go on until I read this book. For years I’ve been miserable and trying so many different things even tried marriage counseling that went out the window the day we met the counselor and as we got into the elevator I could smell the alcohol on him (we drove separately). That’s when I went off in our session and she clearly noticed that he was intoxicated and told him that she was not going to ask of anything from me as I’ve made myself vulnerable to him so many times and he was the one that needed to work on his issues. Like I said making them accountable and not falling for their mental abuse has the ball on my court now.. He was doing fine up until this past Sunday with NO DRINKING then the first beer just set things off again. The good thing is that he now sees that it doesn’t phase me like it use to.. And to tell you the truth everything phases me I just know how to control my emotions better since I’ve been reading this book and find other things to do to keep my mind busy and not focus on him. Things will be the same until he sobers up and I’ve accepted the fact that he hasn’t. I’m done putting this energy on something I have no control over. I have control on making my life happy and taking the steps to overcome this and finally separating when the time comes. I’m married to Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hide! Loving myself is what’s important, my family is what’s important and my faith in God is what’s important.. Love and Peace to all!
Carollyn I recommend the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It sounds like your ah is using some of the abuser tactics that are explained in this book. It certainly may help answer some of your questions. I certainly understand trying to change to please because i did that too. And with the same result: nothing is good enough for him. And you are right it is exhausting. Try to get your hands on that book at the library or on amazon.com. It really helped me and Lundy not only understands the abuser and the victims but offers suggestions to getting out of an abusive relationship. His book really helped me when i first started trying to change my life for me and for the better instead of changing to please my ah. Stay strong and God Bless!
Thanyou…I would like to read this…..& thankyou all ..Im going to be busy reading for a while…how long will this discussion be open before its closed? God blessings to every one!
I think the discussion stays open as long as the article is posted. Reading really helped me and knowledge really is power. 🙂
So true…just reading the similar experiences you al have went through…has made me stop asking myself if I could have done something different to change his behavior….the alcoholic must change their behavior…I was constantly trying to accomadate his demands & allowing him to control me….I really didnt realize it was to the extent it was till he left…now I almost feel Im .. lost…I have to use my own brain to think now…what is this?….lol…..its different….but more peaceful but I feel like Ive had my security blanket taken away..he had me so dependent on him..…im going through crying stage at the drop of the hat this week…it was my anniversary the other day…I ignored his call so I wouldnt crumble…anyway Ive read crying is healing …so guess its a good thing…but dont feel good…thanks Julie…I am going to read…knowledge is power…Gods blessings!
Carollyn, I so identify with your pain. When my alcoholic kicked myself and the kids out his house and moved straight on with someone else, I died. I loved him so much and I tried everything and gave up everything to make it work with him regardless of the crap. I was deeply depressed, beat myself up about what if I had done things differently, what if I hadn’t said those horrible things to him, what if I had been more compassionate (so many things I blamed myself for). I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, cried buckets of tears and basically had a nervous breakdown. I did not realise how sickly co dependent I had become on this man. My counsellor told me to cut contact and I couldn’t, I didn’t want to let go and he kept coming in and out of mine the the childrens lives and fed us lies and bullshit but always choosing alcohol over us and still I wouldn’t see it. After cheating on me, kicking me out his life for no reason and disrespecting his family, I kept letting him back because I was so so sick. As this year has passed and Ive grown stronger and learnt more about the disease, I have cut contact and it really makes a world of difference. Its amazing. Now when he tries to get back in, I see it for what it really is. I see past the lies and empty promises. You will get strong girl and you will be fine. I promise
Julie 21,
I m learning that about letting it really go.
My body is taking a beating.
Already been to the ER thinking i was having a heart attack, but it was stress.
MIke i am so sorry to hear your stress is so bad it is affecting you that hard physically. I hope venting here and coming to reality over the confusing life that results from living with an addict helps reduce your stress. I find reading takes my mind off of things or watching a funny movie. Also walking my dog. 🙂 Think of some things that will help you to relax and remove your mind for a while from the things that are making you feel panicked or stressed. And sometimes talking to a trusted friend about what your problems are can help you come up with solutions and then you will feel better and not panicky about what is bothering you. I know because I usually am so busy with life in general on a day to day basis that i do not realize how stressed i am until it comes out in my dreams or my kids tell me i am acting crabby. then i have to attend to what is bothering me and move forward to relieve the stress. Best wishes.
Hi everyone, your all great people by the way….
My goal for this week after talking to my therapist is the not allow the interrogation if I talk to my ah b/f on the phone. Normally I buy into this, try to placate him in order to feel some sense of control. You see if I can control him then I feel I can control my fear and anxiety, that is what I learnt growing up in my family.
This is how the conversations usually go with the b/f. Where did you go? Who was there? How many men? What time did it start? What time did it finish? Where was it?
So my therapist said to say something like “I am not ok with having to be accountable to you at this level”. Now my fear is that this will PROVOKE him. He will probably say, you are hiding something as he is paranoid that I am cheating. She said I can re-assure him that if I was to desire to see other men that I would talk to him about it and make it official. Now I know he never believes but this is what I have heard keeps my side of the street clean.
I set a boundary with him yesterday via text as he was demanding I put an x after my text. My boundary is that I don’t want to put an x after a text if I don’t feel it or don’t want to. I am not trying to be cold but I feel kind of forced a lot of the time to ‘make him feel better’. He’s very insecure. I know that feeling but I want to encourage direct requests like ‘hey can you help me, i’m feeling a bit insecure, can you re-assure me you still love me’ as opposed to feeling like I have to or else I will pay.
He reacted. He did one of those texts that means he is hurt….’so now I know how it really is…..” “thanks”……see you around…..it’s a hook.
It makes me feel scared but I didn’t respond to it. Just left it and tried to get the focus back on me…breath, do something good for myself.
Then late last night another text to say that he is in the area, i’ve opened his eyes now. These make no real sense logically. He is feeling hurt. I understand that. His texts have a sense of ‘hanging’ ‘suspense’. I was quite fearful last night.
Then another this morning as if nothing has happened. ‘Morning, going to do blah blah…..’
And because of this site and all you lovely people I am learning that this behaviour is normal for an alcoholic. Not about me personally.
I’m off to Al-anon, much love to you all, talk soon.
The thing that surprised me to realize today, is I am taking on some of my AB personality dysfunction traits. He is away working and allegedly staying sober, while I am at home holding down the house, parenting our three year old and working myself. He never works consistently and usually once he gets paid, he and the money disappear until he runs out. So of course I have a lot of resentment. This is supposed to be his “prove himself” moment — after about a million of those in the last four years. Anyway, I have no reason to think he is drinking, or spending money or lying, but I reflect on all the other times and I start to get mean and sarcastic and put my defenses up, just waiting for him to let me down again. And thus, I feel my patterns here lead him to “fulfill the prophecy”. It is a hamster wheel we are caught in. Now I am the one with unpredictable anger and depression. I am the one whose imagination goes wild and I accuse him of cheating and lying and all things. I was never this person before, but I have become someone I do not like. I do not treat others as I would like to be treated — a standard I always tried to hold myself to.
I am going to Alanon although I am not fully invested yet. I am too insecure and shy and introverted to make phone calls or get a sponsor. But I will get there in time. It’s funny to realize not only do I have to detach from my alcoholic, I have to kind of detach from judging myself too harshly as well.
J — that is so crazy. I just read your most recent post and I actually wondered if my AB was two-timing me with you! He is working out of the area and has been off and on for about four months. I have also caught him computer flirting/cheating with women on dating sites. Always out of our area, so I doubt he has physical contact. But anyway — that is how crazy my mind has gotten in four years, is I actually for 20 seconds wondered! Then I scrolled up and saw your A is much older than mine!
But everything you describe with the texting and insecurity and questioning about every single thing I do at work with men, men, men was exactly the same. The crazy texts and my own texting boundaries. The fearful false “goodbye texts” . . . all the same!
The OWN channel, which is 61 in our area, has great shows. Y Vansant works with people (celebs, athletes, etc.), who have dysfunctional relationships. Communication is restored, and some stay together and others separate/divorce. One thing Vansant tells them is to be aware that we tell our story – and, some do that for years and never go forward. It really opened my eyes. I don’t want to be feeling upset or living a life that is chaos and turmoil. Someone else can take care of an A, those days are over. I wasn’t very good at it!!
Sarah & J:
You have every right to question them and do not be so hard on yourselves–you see the pattern of what they do so of course you expect the same thing to happen. Anger and Resentment are normal reactions but always listen to your gut–i hate to say but sometimes they accuse the other partner of cheating because they might be the ones doing it & projecting the guilt onto you. So listen to your gut–your anger & resentment are your feelings and while they might not be true do not deny your feelings of what their behavior is doing & recognize they are the cause of it and then focus on you & how to walk away from them before those actions of theirs cause those feelings for you. Keeping distance from them when they get in that behavior of wanting to blame you will protect you.
Im confused about the codependent behavior thing…I tried to fix the marriage by trying to avoid saying or doing anything that would set him off….or walking away or keeping quiet when he was provoking me,or appeasing him by saying ooh Im sorry for whatever was bothering him..guess i tryed it all to see if it would help communication in the marriage..but nothing worked…I even tried defending myself…saying no thats not what I meant or said…the thing that worked the best was the oohh..Im sorry & babying him…but that was total enabling…because it was a lie…I did nothing to apologize for…I was apologizing for whatever was bothering him at the time that made him so angry….the thing that worked the least was my defending myself or whatever was making him angry…cause that would cause his finger to point at me… & say things that were completely irrational.. if I didnt empathize with him)….he would make statements…like “sure I don’t work hard all day ..I dont deserve to blow off steam…..”….or Im not like the people that don’t seem to think they don’t have to work at my workplace…so i don’t deserve to be mad at that…or “im not like some people on disability…or retirement i have to work for a living..& had to start when I was9 yrs of age…& I don’t have the right to be angry at that…& I was abused as a kid & I don’t have a right to be mad at that…….anyway..he was blaming his anger issues on everything that happened to him present & past…His alcoholism was excused by him with excuses like..had a bad day at work…stressed out…put his head through wall cause he said we couldn’t communicate…broke things cause…it didn’t perform like it should have..beat his-self in head & chest cause he didnt perform to his expectations…I don’t know if the codependent hting fits here in my situation..seemd he had more of co-dependent traits…of controlling everything even me…..& how I talked or did anything to fit his perfectionism….I can see my codependent behavior in trying to fix relationship…but nothing worked…but he had the control… because I was afraid of him so Im confused a little on how that fits? In response to C that taked about the channel OWN…I guess I don’t get that here? Cant find it…Im going to try & find on internet…& I understand your comment on the days weren’t good…mine started on honeymoon & was a roller coaster ride…ever since more down than up as time went on..It got to where I didn’t want to be intimate with him…I felt so betrayed & I felt like I lived with an enemy…I wanted intimacy just couldn’t bring myself to that point..thats what it came to…not much of a marriage huh? I don’t understand why its so hard to let the ideal go…he can be such a perfect person at times..but seemed that part of him got less & less…I think the cruelest & most hurtful to me was when he taunted me…body language & all….& the last time I remembered that is when he was on Skype & I asked him to speak in a kinder tone to me & he said oh ya want me to say kochie-koo…like a little baby…is tthat how ya want me to talk to you…& his face looked so angry & his body language was all wiggly..moving his shoulders bk & forth as he said it & bending forward toward the camera…like he hated me he looked like a demon.…that hurts…& this is someone who is trying to make a realationship work?? What is constructive about this? Sometimes I wondered if he hates women…his mom abused him & he said recently that I was manipulative just like all the other women in his life…just like his mom…& I told him if the all were saying the same things to him…maybe he should listen…maybe it was his behavior causeing their reaction…he said…no…he just picked out the wrong women …women just like his mom…anyway…he has anger issues & mommy abuse issues…even if he stopped drinking (which fuels his anger,which is bad anyway)…he needs intense therapy with his extreme anger issues….thanks for letting me vent…if anyone has any insights please feel free to comment…& Sarah I understand your craziness…cause after they lie so much its normal to wonder what more are they keeping from me…..I wonder if my soon to be ex was doing more than just drinking & pot & percription pills…cause ya just discover one lie after another it seems with them…& a relationship without trust..is just a bad one…hope ya can break away..without to much trouble..I actually started wondering again today…maybe I should wait a year & let him go in-treatment to see what happens…but that would be my idea…not his…he said on voicemail’s stopping slow or he will be hospitalized cause of shakes…(& he can’t go in-treatment…anyway cause of his new job….uggg…I had thoughts like whats a year…to wait if he actually would e cured & it would save my marriage..then after reading the post from C about some try for yrs. & never move forward…makes me rethink the thoughts …to maybe I shouldn’t…(I’m not 20 -30-or 40..anymore.)..Im older time goes so fast…id love to have a good marriage for the rest of my life…Thanks ya all for bringing continual thought to help me face reality…Gods blessings!
Debbi, Sarah n J.. everyone here is righ about there gut feelings about there ah. We are going through the same things the only difference is the individuals. But the circumstances hurt pain n behavior of the alcoholic is the same. If you feel a certain way then more than likely its true. They can’t be trusted they lie about everything n this will be their behavior until they sober up. Doug Thorbur books is so accurate his analysis n information hits right at home. He wrote this book to warn us to stay away from alcoholics n this came from his experience with someone who deceived him. He wanted others to know the warnings n how dangerous n alcoholic can be. And thanks to reading n educating myself on the disease I’m one step closer to freedom. Soon I will be where I want to be n that is my focus just me n my children living a peaceful life. Follow your gut n heart all the time we need to disengage from the ah cause of we don’t we will be miserable n stuck in the cycle of abuse. We must continue to support the each other n protect ourselves from the destruction of alcoholism. We can’t help ANYONE that doesn’t help themselves! God bless all who live under these circumstances.
My counselor (who is a minister) also tod me like the Doug Thorbur author that even though my husband said he didn’t mean to berak my nose…just push me…my counselor said what about next time…..you may not be so lucky…..so the blackouts are what scares me….unless it was a lie cause he first said he didn’t remeber then he said he did…& he just meant to push me away by my shoulders but got my nose instead…..but still….danger!
To All,
My story is so much like all you, I left for a year because of abuse, My mistake was to talk to him again, Believed his words, my mistake. Nothing has change, My A is A dry Drunk. I believe marriage counseling took him to what he needed to deal with from childhood. yes its with his mother. Counselor said its just to painful for him to deal with. I need to break free again. Let the next women deal with the abuse.
To Marie: You are absolutely right about Doug Thornburn’s books–I learned so much from him also.
To Linda: You are not the only one to be manipulated into going back to them. We have all done that. Good people like yourself do that–give someone a second chance.
To Carollyn: I had to take that word (co-dependent) off my list of how I viewed myself because like you I tried everything to make it work then left–Not a co-dependent just a good person trying. My pastor said to me try everything you can to make it work for a few months & if no change then leave, but then you leave with a clear conscience that you tried your best & you have done absolutely more than many would. Be proud of your efforts don’t downplay it with that description of yourself because you are not co-dependent, you are a survivor.
Thankyou so much Debbi …Im realizing Im a survivor more & more…my counselor/minister told me he didn’t know any minister that wouldn’t say it was okay to leave an abusive relationship…& Linda…my soon to be ex…had an ex with your name….& he has abuse issues from his mother as child…makes me wonder an abusive childhood may be one of the reasons people become alcoholics…I read common characteristics of an alcoholic & my husband had every one of these..not just some of…uggg….Ill try & find it on my history & paste so ya all can take a look & see if your ah’s had all or a lot of these ..I was shocked that he had all…..maybe child abuse victims never got rid of their deep seeded pain….this was one of his excuses to drink…however it may be the main one he was trying to escape from…so intense therapy & giving the pain to God I believe would help..maybe it wouldn’t go away ..but they may be able to handle it better..with therapy…but I think it would take someone really trained in this area…Linda…did he ever say he picked out the wrong women….they always turned out to be just like his mom? he just told me that..recentIy I was just like his mom a manipulator.. I think it was that & him tauntig me that made me give up entirely …now (he said things would be different now he only had to do one job good salary..but hes just as bad to me on Skype!. & drinking)used to feel so sorry for him…all his gfs & his ex abused him he claimed…till he started accusing me of the same behavior they ( saying you’re just like my ex…or some other gf…& now he’s come to conclusion he picks out wrong kind….I think his thinking is victum mentality…he thinks every woman is against him…when he used to get angry at me hed say oh….it was just a knee jerk reaction because of how bad such & such treated him he assumed I was going to do the same or similar thing or meant something in the same way……he’s very good at convincing others he’s been abused…one e.g.. was hed always say he had to have a hernia operation one time & his ex wouldn’t drive him he had to…I felt so sorry for him….then when he was going to have a test at hospital he said I guess ill drive myself to hospital…I said why I am always there for you….& he let it slip…he said well I drove myself when I needed an opeation because i new Linda wouldn’t do it…I said what? You said she wouldn’t & ya had to..so did ya even ask her? He said no…cause I didnt think shed do it……anyway he had everyone fooled….now I know why all of his many gfs left him & ony me & one other..married him…guess the others saw through him..he lied about his total character to me & we waited a litte over a year to marry…he didnt drink (only fake beers) & only was emotional a few times (not angry) & blamed it on stress so I believed him…then honeymoon on it was tantrums & drinking…then anger began to turn on me…thanks for letting me vent…again…it makes me stronger to remember.. I forget the bad stuff cause Ive had to during the marriage…to have peace & to give the relationship any chance..but it got so bad…he broke all the trust & hope left… I felt like I was married to my enemy..sad they cant see what they coud have if they would quit drinking…have to pray God shows them the light… Thanks everyone & God bless!
This is a good article….esp. the link to howto knowcif he/she changed….my husband didnt fit any of the signs…uggg…..but I was blind to his contiuing promises hoping…but now I see…this makes since..this is what ya would see if they were sincere……heres the paste………http://marriagemissions.com/signs-that-he-or-she-has-changed-and-will-stop-abuse/
Thank you for the link Carollyn, my exah does not fit any signs that he is truly sorry or has changed and in fact fits every one of the “signs that he is NOT changing” list. This is a great support ot me that i have not made a poor decision in getting out. Thank you for sharing.
Your welcome…we are so blind to their promises ,I think cause we wnat them so much to be true…its like…what if this time..he will change….this list is a good revelation…& mine fits the not changing list also..hope everyone will read…* like you said in another post knowledge is power…we will become stronger…I already have with all of your sharing & support..God bless my ah support family!( I will look up that personality post & paste when i find..its a wow moment esp. when ya find the ah fits all like I did)
Carolln,
Thanks for your post, Signs they changed, wish I known about before I came back.
I believe this abuse does go back to anger towers their mother’s, I also believed empty promises.
He was so smug this morning!
I tyred to post a link of common ah personality traits…wouldnt work…also had a long paragraph…but wouldnt post..so Ill just try to paste….the article tryig again…….http://www.livestrong.com/article/14229-personality-traits-common-to-alcoholics/
Okay worked that time…I wont write my long paragrah again ,but will just comment on Lindas post….the smug (cocky comes to mind also) comment is something my ah did a lot ..Im thinking cause they got away with abuse again…& stiil I was still there …its like they dont realize the trail of devastation they create..the break in trust & fear threy create..it would make me wonder how can he just expect me to act like nothing has happened..its been destroyed to point that my hope is gone..…anyway I have times when I think whats one more year? i f he goes in-treatment…maybe the marriage could be saved? But that would be me trying to fix marriage again…not him making the effort..so the filed divorce should be final in December ..so Ill just pray & leave it in Gods hands….the voice mail he left promising he would stop is just another of his many attempts…he needs in -treatment & Gods help to overcome…guess hes not rock bottom yet…also what comes to mind on the smug comment is control…my ah was all about control…not of his self…but everyone & everything else…especially me…I could do nothing right..he felt inaequate his self & punished hiself too…but I think he felf in-control & more self worth if he could control his enviornment…I feel like Im getting me back cause Im not told how to do everything…how to talk properly…constantly criticized….& provoked & every thing we did he only had so much time to do it & in a certain way…no deviation or unnecessary converstaion…& any request i made for him to be nicer to me I was taunted for..(I think that was the most hurtful) there was no talking to him constructively..thanks for letting me vent! I do believe the ahs brain is damaged…if they stop will the brain repair itself?