Coping With The Dominant Personality of an Alcoholic

I became so enmeshed with the the person I loved. I let their dominant personality effect me too much. The alcoholic in my life at one point could just look at me wrong and I would be devastated.

“What happened to that sweet person I fell in love with?”

Coping with this enmeshment problem takes a while. Perhaps because you are reading this you have an awareness of some of what is going on in your life as it relates to interacting with an alcoholic.

I don’t understand how it happens, but they can be so nice to us in one moment and the next raving mad for no reason at all. It’s one of the personality traits of a problem drinker. The technical term is dysfunctional behavior.

Dominant CreatureShould we say that we are codependent? To me this would mean that my emotions of feeling good or bad are directly “dependent” on how another person treats me. The answer to this problem is found in discovering yourself again. Who are you without this persons opinions about you? I found that as I developed healthy relationships in my church and through support groups like Al-anon, I started to like me for who I am. My emotional stat was no longer dependent upon how the problem drinker treated me. This took a while, but it is possible to achieve this place where the actions of the dominant alcoholic no longer effect how you think about yourself.

How do we break away from being effected by an alcoholic’s dominant personality? This is certainly going to be a process that will take dedication to wanting to get well. Yes, you are sick just like me. We are because we let the actions of others dictate our happiness or sadness during the day.

Protect Yourself from the Dominance of an Alcoholic

Here are a few suggestions that can help you protect yourself from the alcoholic whose opinions about you are constantly effecting your moods. The answer lies in understanding that they cannot meet our needs because they are emotionally bankrupt themselves.

Game PiecesTry to find a support group specifically designed to help friends and family members of alcoholics. Do this today. The sooner you start interacting with others who are dealing with alcoholism too, the better off you will be. Living with an alcoholic is almost impossible without help from others who understand the disease.

When anyone says something negative about you, ask yourself this question; “Is that true?” The chances are that most of the devastating things that the alcoholic is saying to you are not really true. They have a way of belittle us with lies that for some reason we think are the truth about us. So many of our negative emotional responses to their lies about us stem from wanting to be accepted by them. Our codependency causes us to become devastated even when what they are saying is totally not true about us.

They cannot make us happy. This is an inside job that we must take care of. We look to them to make us happy and that’s an impossible task for them. The sooner you accept this truth, the better off you will be. Thsi is an excellent read: Being Happy With An Alcoholic.

Start keeping a journal so that you will begin to recognize the times when the alcoholic’s dominant personality traits are starting to effect you.

Begin setting boundaries. There are ways of protecting yourself from the mood swings of an alcoholic.

Learning how to break the enmeshment associated with being in a codependent alcoholic relationship takes work. It is a process that takes time to get through. As you start setting boundaries and attending meetings with others like you, you will begin to learn how to deal with an alcoholic who tends to have a dominant personality. Your feeling of being rejected will be less as you understand yourself and the problem drinker more.

102 comments to Coping With The Dominant Personality of an Alcoholic

  • Pez

    Yea, good post Carolyn, Can the A’s brain heal after prolonged abuse? I really don’t know maybe someone else will have some info on that. I know about the dry drunk behavior of some when they get sober. but is it brain damage or learned behavior?

  • Brigitte

    What I still battle to come to terms with is the insincerity, the blatant lies and the empty declarations of love.
    Why would someone do that to the people who love him and trust him? why do they choose to hurt us so bad?

  • Sometimes I wonder if its because the ah hates his/her self…..Ive always read you cant love someone else till you love yourself. I wonder why would they risk losing the person that is thier best friend? The last e-mail I sent him…(I said I cant be one with someone Im afraid of)….I forgive him & love him…but eventually the trust is just gone….if he didnt want me to know about something he just hid it….or lied about it…even when I knew it was true…..& confronted him with it…hed have an excuse or make it less wrong somehow…than it was…dishonesty creates distrust…after they promise over & over to change…& dont…guess it comes to when is enough enough….I kept hanging on to a thread of hope…till he was in another state on new job…& I saw him on skype doing the same stuff at a distance to me…maybe that is a key…maybe if they are away when your not in same proximity…its easier to see the true them? I had lost hope right before he left…but he promised…less stress there…so it would be different…but he skyped me drunk & mean a lot of times & taunted me….a lot…so I could see nothing changed…just as so many broken promises before…so the hope was gone…guess we all get to that point eventually…I never came out & asked him why he wanted to hurt me…not directly although I rember him coming bk with he was trying to be nicer…but .the nice was mixed with the mean…& the mean won….if you get answers to the questions from your ah…Id really like to hear them…blessings!

  • linda

    carolly, thanks for you post on brain damage, I believe also my A has Drank n Drugs to long.
    Brigette, Blatant lies are very hard to take, The A game is to lie N deny. That makes it wright to them………Will never understand this..Can’t talk to the A anymore, as adult. Just anger! or smug…….The A thinks we are to deny are feelings,and live in denial. Can’t do it any more. I filed for divorcé after 33 years, When he said to me you know theirs a third party, and you aren’t making me look like a ass.

  • Pez

    Bridgett, What you have to comprehend is YOU are coming at this situation with a sound mind, a balanced person, and your A is not. He is “Under the influence” of a mind altering drug ie alcohol!! Once you comprehend his thought processes are not like a normal person, you will start to understand. This is what I had to grasp when I struggled like you with these questions. Read, Read, Reseach, so you understand at least in part. This is when I gained more freedom and release. They are an addict. There main concentration is on when they can get or have their next fix, not on you. Addicts of any kind will ALWAYS choose their addiction over us. As an addiction alcohol is just as bad as meth or heroin–that too was an eye opener to me.

    Good article on brain damage and the supliments: The longer one abuses, they say 25 years, the less ability the brain has to heal and recover. Mine drank since 15 years old till about 38 which was the time allowance then sober for 8 years before I met him. started to drink again during a divorce and now has indulged for 5 more years. He was a pretty smart man when I met him when he just started drinking again but in that 5 years I saw a remarkable decline Physically, mentally, spiritually. I think his brain damage may be permanent and if he recovers will probably improve somewhat but not totally. He is an emotional basket case. Mentally they are very screwed up people–Toxic people.

  • brigitte

    Hi pez and linda. I can understand the alcohol ruling over everything else but what I cannot understand is how he can keep choosing another woman over his family but then still come back to us and declare his undying love and how he misses us and wants to fix things and swears blind that he isn’t with anyone and then his phone rings and its this married woman that he’s been having a fling with and he walks away to take the phone call and I just can’t help myself so I say loudly ‘why don’t u tell this woman what you have just been telling me! How much you love me and miss your family and want to make things work and how she is nothing in your life’ and you know what he said to her? He said ‘she’s lying, I never said that! I was shocked. Anyways, she puts the phone down on him and I tell him to get out my house and I don’t want to see him again and he must leave us alone. He then begs me not too do that and he’s sorry and he does really love us and he dosent know why he told her that and then he leaves and ten mins later he’s sending me messages telling me the same crap and then nothing!! Haven’t heard from him since then which is ok as I prefer him to stay away but it just baffles me as to why he feels the need to swan back into our lives and hurt myself and the kids with his words and his lies. Its almost like he dosent want us and the responsibility of us but he wants to know that we are still there for just incase. Also, how come this other woman can’t see how sick he is? I get v upset that he probably treats her better than he eva treated me and I gave my all. Yes, I did fight about the alcohol and I am probably too intolerant and he hated that. I’m also upset about the lies he tells about me to everyone and it all gets back to me through friends. If someone can say that they love u and the children but turn around and stab us all in the back at the same time then I’m sorry but I’m confused as to what love is. I’ve got so far in getting myself healthy again over the last ten months and he comes and crushes me in the space of an hour and I damn well allow him too and I hate myself for that. I’m not a horrible person and I feel deeply for this man and he plays my emotions like a fiddle. Will I ever be strong enough to ward off this ‘devil’?

  • brigitte I totally understand your anger…but its righteous anger….hes destroying what you 2 could have had together if he didnt put alcohol as his idol above evveything else….he feels safe with you cause he knows ya love him…& after all youve always stayed no matter how bad he was…Gregory Dickow(a tv evangelest) said wrong thinking is staying with an abusive ah thinking that someday he will change…just because you stay…however we all know that doesnt happen….when ya first met him & dated him ..he prob. treated you good…till he got you…& so ya are prob. right he prob. treats the woman nice….but if ya leave him & hes with her full time…he will do her just like he does you…my ah can be a charmer…a total fake….in front of others..& he had me thinking he was abused by all the other women…& so he had my empathy..all the others were bi*****ches….but not me now Im like all the rest ..just like his mom a manipulator he says…(the truth is ah’s are master manipulators)…I even had friends of his tell me they were so happy he finally found someone who treated him right….well he was duping me…just like he did them….I was head over heals wondering how could those women abuse such a sweet kind man…well he made false claims didnt drink or have temper or do drugs…however after marriage the secrets started coming out & I became his punching bag ..emotionally (only one time physically) he said he forgot(must have been a blackout)…but then he had excuses for it…oh he just meant to push me bk not break nose…blah blah blah….anyway…hes in another stae with a sister that makes excuses for him cause they were both abused as a child..he lives there cause he got a better job ..& was wanting me to come down & Iwas believing his lies..things would be different till he taunted & abused me over skype…then I knew …more empty promises…as usual…I know his sis loves him…but if she wasnt so blind …because as he put it she understands him cause they were abused as kids….if she wasnt so blind she would love him enough to instituionalize him….I t seems they like to waller in their misery like pigs in mud…they both need therapy to let it go with Gods help…my ah may have brain damage like Pez is telling us…please listen …there will be no improving situation if this is true…Im understanding this more & more…Im going through with this divorce…even if he was put in an institution or recovery…after finding out about this irrevesible bain damage…I have one question to Pez…how can my ah function at work in a good paying job if his brain is that messed up? He cant function normally in an adult conversation with me…Im his emotional punching bag…anyway can he still be a functioning ah at work & not at home with this brain damage…or are they just imbalnced when they drink??? Someone know this answer Id appreciate it…blessings

  • brigitte

    Thanks carollyn and your words really meant something. You are so right. He did treat me well and I also felt so sorry for him when I heard stories about all his ‘bipolar ex’s’ and how they treated him bad and now I’ve joined the ‘bipolar ex’ ranks except this time he has children with me and the others didn’t. That’s what makes it even harder is the fact that he’s thrown two lil kids away for what?? Its funny but I always used to believe in him and now I listen to him talk and its all so insincere and shallow. I’m actually seeing it for what it really is. Still hurts and I still take it personaLly coz it cuts deep and I have to keep reminding myself that its not me. And pez is right, they are toxic sick people. His mother and his sister stick up for him regardless and cannot see any wrong in what he does. Mainly because the mother drinks as much as he does but the sister lives in the uk now and when she was here, she wouldn’t hear a bad word about her brothers drinking habits. She would defend him until the end and make excuses for his terrible behaviour and somehow, I always got the blame and then the whole family would gang up against me because I dared to challenge their poor lil boy who happens to be fourty years old now. I know that I shouldn’t feel so despondent and depressed and mentally I’ve let go but my heart is still hanging on. I’m glad that I have peeps like you all who understand coz noone else does and they all just say ‘forget about him, he’s bad for you, don’t let him get to you etc etc…’ Very easy to say when you aren’t emotionally involved.

  • Pez

    Bridgett, it sucks to realize you’ve been betrayed not only by him but his whole family. you probably saw the other thread were this is happening to me now. they will always stand behind their son even if they know the truth. it does hurt and I feel for you I’ve been through it. even today I woke up angry. but the days become less that I think about him or his family. the whole family is messed up when involved with alcoholics and drug addicts. Al Anon has a panflett about that and there’s also resources online about the “family secret”. the best thing for you is to have contact only about the children and visitation. otherwise work on dumping him just like he dumped you! he will do what he needs to do to to survive in his addiction and have what he wants to. that means lying,cheating, stealing, anything.
    how they perform at their job. most alcoholics in attics have jobs where they are not fully accountable to upper management. mine had a job where authorities figures were in Las Vegas and he could run the business without being supervised. he stayed sober most of the day but near the end would start drinking in the work van on the way home. they may be able to function now at work but eventually it will catch up to them.

  • linda

    Thanks everyone for you post.
    Pez, my a sounds like yours. Has showed the good guy in public,
    I do believe this is the family secret
    I think his father was a a. He use to beat them before they would go away. And say it would twice as bad if you misbehaved.
    Brigette listen to pez. It only get worse. Limited talking to him. Don’t answer phone or text. Just trying to suck you back.
    I’ve been in my marriage for 33 year, tried three times to get away from this craziness. Or merry go round . Their words don’t match their actions. Action speak louder. Please . I’m making plans to leave…..

  • Linda & Pez is right…Brigette….look at how many years Linda was in her marriage…time goes fast…did ya see my post on other page on how to tell if they are sincere bout changing? If not click on paste I have…its a real eye opener bout an empty promise or one they actually mean….sometimes ya just have to give a person to God…sometimes they really dont want to change …or dont have it in them to change….I believe with intense therapy & prayer & submission to God a person can change…but it would take a real passion…if their brain is already damaged it may be to late…esp. if they dont allow God to heal… ah & his sis has a sybiotic relationship…they need each thers approval cause of their childhood abuse…& my husband plays victim….she placates him….& he jumps over hoops for her…makes sure he keeps her pleased to reprocate his unmeasurable service to her every whim…he told me before she understood why he was the way he was (so she approves of his behavior)…I remember he told me she said on phone before he moved there that anything that bothered himat all to tell her & shed make sure she didnt do it….the wierd thing is nothing she could do would bother him…he bows to her….I remember going into a grocery when we visited last…he was running from this isle to that …hurrying me saying we had to get out htere fast cause his sis gets cranky(hate that word)…he was afraid of any negative reaction from her at all…symbiotic relationship…she needed his help & company hes her substitute husband…(the one someone dreams of) hes told me over & over times hes gone with her somewhere .or did anythingfor her he didnt want to do to please her…I told him if he treated me that way Id be kissing his feet! hes also told me his abusive momtold him someday his sis & him would only have each other so they better be nice to each other…hes so mean to his women..after he chams them & thinks he has them…that he loses them…so hes making the prediction come true…actually its more like a curse…a curse that they would be unmarried & only have each other…how sad!

  • me

    Sounds like my ah. Now that his addict daughter lives with us at 44, she took over
    our home. Destroys some of my plants furniture, stuff I like she doesn.t and so it
    disappears and NO one knows where it is. He loves her dearly and they are very close
    well why not? They approve of each other and all of a sudden I am the enemy. after
    28 years of marriage I am beginning to think about separating. I admire you for leaving
    at 33 years. I wish you the best of luck

  • Linda thanks for post…I admire ya also for leaving after 33 years…Im thinking Im lucky & blessed God took my ah away from me …allowing him to get job out of state…after I cried out to him in prayer that i couldnt take it anymore…because it gave me space & I wasnt pressured by him because I didnt answer phone or skype ..& hes so far away…I think distance makes it easier to break free & having friends & family to tell ya dont crumble ..dont answer phone door or e-mails texts….have a support syastem…I called my son & bf…they kept me in line…lol…& reminded me how bad it was,,not how I want it to be…& missing the good part of him….hoping dont make it so…..however ya have to do it to get space & think clearly…visiting someone away from your ah…preferably in another state…..for distance…if he was here id still be listening to his empty promises…theses posts are my hope …cant thankyou all enough…blessings!!!

  • Pez

    Ok, I could not find that Alanon brochure online. You would have to stop by a meeting or order one online but it’s called “A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholics”. It addresses “the family secret” enabling, guilt and shame. It is very good!!

  • Thanks Pez for info. I need to get reading all these readings posted…knowledge is power…one of you said which was very wise…blessings all!!!

  • I wondered if anyone has read info about the split personality of ah…..What I never understood was how my ah could have a diifferent tone with everyone else but me…he was nice to his friends (relatives)…had them all thinking his past gfs & ex was abusive to him…& me for a while…he took is anger out on things…..until I started trying to fix the marriage..then recently he said I was like his mom like all the others(manipulative)… before …when I pacified him (unknowingly enabling him to feel sorry for his self….I was different than the others…now I see …the other gfs & ex.. were trying to fix the relationship like I was…or reacting to the abuse he did to them in private…I know when I visited his sis. for his nieces wedding I had gave up on my marriage (& looked angry a lot of the time..…of course I always got a thread of hope bk when he promised to change….but he never did & then when he abused me…hed say well ya cant expect me to change overnight…Im working on it….but yes…I did want him to stop stop stop the abuse…immediately I just couldn’t take any more …if he would have been in intense therapy.of some kind then I would have thought there was a sincere attempt…but he was always trying to do it hi self…however in between working on it…he had excuses for drinking… or….saying i needed to work on this & that…it was never -ending..thats why I think the post i did earlier about if they are sincere in changing “heres your signs”….was such a good article…cause I could see he didn’t have any …just talk… walk…. still mean/sweet…abuse cycle….but back to my question…it seems to me that if a person can control there “mean” personality when they want to…why can’t they do it in front of the people they really love…or claim to love & not care about ruining the relationship? any comments? Thanks…& ya all have a wonderful blessed holiday!

  • wow…I was reading over the signs he hasn’t changed i posted on p. one…ya have to click on the part ehre it says signs hes changed..then scroll to bottom to signs he hasnt changed…my ah had all of these but one…I noticed something he did I forgot…he criticized me for not seeing how much he had changed when he said(“I still don’t like the way you fold my towels…ya still don’t do them exactly how I told you….so doesnt that tell ya how much better im doing…your so negative cant ya look at the times Im doing better”)…& other things he pointed out to excuse the mjoeity of the time he abused me emotionally….pointing the finger back at me …I guess i was supposed to just take the abuse….& praise him when he was good…it still spells enabling….actually when he would say this to me Id feel like maybe I did need to praise him a lot when he did good & I did start doing that but it didn’t stop the abuse it was just a mixture…of mean /sweet…don’t know bout all of you but the mean was much more than the sweet & I didn’t time it…but just when ya think they are changing 7 ya let your walls down they turn on you…so heart breaking..

  • linda

    Sounds so much like my live with my a. Trying to not let him hurt me anymore. Wish I could expose the abuse. This a is so afraid of who I talk to.

  • Im so sorry your a is so controlling & ya probably feel like you live in a cage he trys to put ya in…thats fear & its not fun…do ya have family or friends ya can break away from him…for a while or for good…you remind me of the that fear I had…when my ah was here.. it helps me face reality..that I just miss te good part of him which got less & less….I dont know why my ah wasn’t afraid that Id tell anyone…I only confided in my best friends & my son…I guess maybe he knew I proteted his secret..I told the counselor…guess I was hoping his church bands he played in might influence him to stop..although one of the the guys in the band i found provided him with pot…uggg..but I thought maybe the preaching might influence him…couldnt tell his workplace friends…might lose his job….then hed drink all the time…he actually told me he told his church friends he “accidentally” broke my nose…I always wondered if they really bought that story or wondered???? He prob. pulled it off….he was great at making people feel sorry for him by twisting truth….I remember going to a wedding…of someone from church & a woman was mad at me when he told her I didnt take him to hospital..when he fell off ladder….so he went in limping so a nurse friend in band would give him drugs for pain….they didnt know if i would have….he would have prob lost job because he mixed pot drinking & perscription pills….& now that Im writing this Im thinking why was I missing him today? Whats wrong with me….??? He did have a good side that showed once & a while ..but his bad side won every time…Linda ..I hope ya have somewhere to go for counseling at least..Ill be praying for all sisters that have to live with an ah…Is protecting the ah by not telling about his problem & trying to appease them so they won’t get angry …part of the definition of co-dependency? Im wondering if the reason you do the things is the key to whether it is codependency or just trying to avoid negative behavior from the ah??? I know my ah wanted complete control over me in how I did things according to his perfectionistic rules…so thats not me being codependent thats me having no choice unless I watched everything I did & said…to please him or Id pay for it! I walked on eggshells afraid Id say something wrong or when to say something or whether i should say something…I did what I did so he wouldn’t lose his Christian friends & job..because I thought then he would have more of an excuse to drink cause things would be even worse… …& I appeased him sometime because I just wanted peace…guess I tryed al kinds of things to see if anything would give him the desire to stop…or that maybe someone else could influence him…cause I wasnt doing it…no mater what I tried…I was just his punching bag for his anger….I would appreciate any insight..& wish ya all a safe & happy holiday! God bless!!

  • linda

    I am going to counseling.
    It was a bad past two days here. The a has told are sons that I the one Baggering,that hurts the worst. This a is very good at abusing behind closed doors. Took my phone,screwed up computer so it can be used. Trying to isolate me. What is most amazing is how the a can twist everything on you. Go from crazy person to nice guy this morning. Again I say to all here, when you break free, don’t speak to them. Carolyn,you post is everything I lived n living. Jekal hyde has only gotten worse. If I didn’t have this site to post,
    This disease would drive me totally crazy. They totally try to control us. They want us to suffer in silence. I have been told, that he is telling I’m the one Baggering him. Thanks so muce for letting me vent.

  • Linda ,I know what you mean its weird…that what I would ask him not to do that was mean…he would turn it on me & accuse me of the same thing…so I understand it makes them feel better …eases their guilt….gives them another excuse to be how they are…..I agree this site is therapeutic its our life line to reality…I don’t know how i did without this therapy…of writing to all of you & hearing bk from ya all….…I hope & pray somehow ya can break free Linda ……when I went out shopping i was thinking if he calls Iwonder if I could resist answering…then i think wahts wong with me? I know that Im in love wth being married…finally got married had an ideal dream &poof its gone…but it was a bad dream…..a nightmare…I just had a fantasy it would suddenly get better…(is that insanity????)…I talk to my son & he reminds me how he won’t change even if he isn’t drinking hes angry all the time & hes right..please find someone ya can talk to if ya need help in your grasp with reality that keeps us sane dealing with our ah”s…I know in the end i kept asking myself maybe it is me? I kept asking my counselor & my friend honest with me…is there something wrong with me…is there something im doing wrong in the relationship…that I should or shouldn’t be doing it make it work? But the truth is e are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally challenged ….we can react to them in different ways…but the bottom line is ..they will keep on doing what they do.unless they want to change…& if they do we will see the signs I posted

  • I just found out from my bf that my ah ran me down about my housekeeping to her constantly…the reason I mention this is my ah used to say how he was glad I wasn’t like his ex…he couldn’t have anything out of place with her…everything was perfect..& he was glad that i wasn’t like that…he even told his ex stepson that to his face…so it just goes to show theres no pleasing the ah…you can’t win in this case…his ex was to good at keeping house perfect & I wasn’t perfect enough……& I think they run others down to make theirselves feel better or look better…to me it seems as if the ah mate isn’t loyal…to his fiends or significant others…seem like self love…completly self seving to elevate themselves as better to convince not only otters but themselves…am I right?..I need to start reading the suggested reading you all have …to better understand the ah behavior…

  • Hi All,

    I spoke to my AH calmly ths morning about his continued drinking and his behavior when drunk at night and hw he treats me and looks for an argument. Anyway, he didnt say a word. I left the house for the day, went to church, met up with a friend, then went to lunch and a movie. Basically I took care of me today. Here’s the insanity of the AH thinking…. OK, I get home and AH did some chores outside eg. Filled the horse water troughs and even hay bins, he helped me out. Now the perplexing part is AH is speaking to me coldly and not talking to me. So I get the “he’s trying to punish me stuff”, but if he is, why would he do stuff to help me out?

  • When I say AH only answers me coldly, but we are not having a conversation. That a what I mean by not talking. Being very cool with me (in a freezing way).

  • Julie21

    Dallas, I say he did the chores to make you feel guilty for even speaking to him about his drinking. Mine used to do nice things when he knew i was at the end of my rope with his behavior and it would make me second guess myself and feel guilty for saying anything to him other than praising him. But he also used to treat me poorly right after doing a small task supposedly for me and expected me to basically kiss his a** just because he finally decided to do something to help. When in reality it was all just a ploy and not even done to be responsible or to help me but a way of manipulating me.

  • Hes acting that way cause he know your right …but he’s trying to avoid talking about it…so hes doing some nice things for ya to take focus off him & on you..he wants ya to share in his guilt..& make you feel like ya did something wrong in pointing out his behavior……& because he’s feeling guilty hes trying to show ya hes not such a bad guy after all…mine used to say…i show my love in taking care of this & focus on those the good things i do…you are so negative when it comes to us…so I was mean to you in the last part of our conversation…can’t ya focus on the nice part at beginning? … however…my ah….would be nice to smooth over things for a while….& then the mean cycle would start again…the peace got to where it was fewer & far between…they have ya on a roller coaster ride…sometimes they have guilt but not enough to change…just enough to throw ya a bone once & a while…ugggg i sound so negative…but I held on to hope till I could hold on no longer…I never knew when how or if to talk bout something cause he always turned it around on me & tryed to provoke me to argue…sometimes he would say I was right if i said something like ya did to your ah …then hope…yes hes gonna try…but then he’d say well you need to work on this & that what about you…then my heart would sink…he would back out …make excuses for his behavior ..or take focus off by twistiing what was said till i ended up saying no that isn’t what i said im sorry ya misunderstood…blah blah blah…so focus off him…or he would provoke me to defend myself…Im sure that there are some ah’s that see the light & I pray that maybe your ah is thinking bout waht ya said & will apologize & get help to change,mine said he’d change many times…but he can’t do it his self…I think if the ah has been on an abuse cycle for a long time the success level of changing themselves is much less….so Dallas how long have you been in an abuse cycle with your ah? Read the paste i put in one of my posts on how to tell if someone is sincere bout changing…you will see your ah in one of these lists…is or isn’t sincere…& there is no changing them till they want to inside theirselves ….the empty promises(I think Linda called it) ..are just that until y see them turn around & do the things on this sincere list….dont get your hopes to far up…its so disheartening to have your hopes broken over & over so if he makes promises here is the paste again to check…Gods strength to you & all …..everyone need its of it dealing with an ah………….

  • Hi all,

    Thankyou for your feedback. I believe your right, as I do th k he feels guilty and did things for me but with resentment obviously. But the way he came to bed and then just went to sleep. Tells me he’s on so etching tonight, and when he smokes, he avoids me more. He goes from one drug t the next and is 56 yrs old. I did say to him this morning that maybe he should try attending an AA meeting. My AH has no intention of changing, in fact if I said Im leaving, that would be fine with him. Im only staying due to financial issues. I moved here from California to be with him and a 1.5 yrs later I find he’s an alcoholic and kept it well hidden. I have a good job but doesn’t pay enough for living costs in the area Im in. I focus on building my side business and go to work during the day and then I get the joy of coming home to the drunk. It takes all my alanon tools, and this last week has been very very tough when Im so tired of or king and doing shows on the weekends, as this is my busy time for craft fairs.

  • Also, my AH has made no promises about changing. The few times I have drank and had a few, taught me he is only happy if Im on the ride with him, so realizing this, I will have a glass of wine with a friend but not with him, as he then feels justified with his actions. AH tries to use against me its all good if its on your terms! As I say, I can stop and don’t care if I drink again for a while, whereby you do. But it’s insane to even have such a discussion with AH. It’s just his way of trying to pull me in his insanity. Some days he acts all nice and loving as he is swaying from drinking, smoking, whatever. We sleep in the same bed, but its like having a room-mate. Actually, I think a room-mate would be iced.

  • Im happy your keeping busy….would you leave if ya had a plan? Maybe you need to face the fact that he won’t change …& for your happiness move on…even if intakes a while..have a plan…my goal is to have one happy Christ centered marriage in my life…its what he claimed he wanted…& his his addictions from me also…until after marriage…so 2 years later…I can see he won’t change….im glad that you know your ah won’t change without wasting any more time…move on one way or the other…do ya have family or friends to share expenses with till ya can be on your own? Ill be praying for you all….God bless…take care of yourselves first…im giving advice ive gotten on here from others…good advice….sending my luv to my fellow ah friends!

  • Sorry, my iPad corrects with the wrong words at times. As said, a room mate might be nice in comparison to the things I del with now. Most a days I come home and choose not to engage.

  • I started avoiding my ah fro peace sake…he still wanted to fight so hed say…oh yes just take your crayons & walk away like a little kid….thers no winning with them…so just don’t try….peace ya all!

  • Im 45 yrs young, and on my own. I have 2 horses, cat and a dog. Horses I can find a home in the Spring, but hard to move in with mainly with a dog and cat, which are all back in California. I have only the friends I have me there from Alanon. I love my animals as I have no children, and so my animals are my kids. My cat sleeps faithfully by my side on bed, and dog on her bed beside me. I know my AH loves me, but loves the bottle more and obviously doesn’t want to deal with his problem. Going to Alanon and having a sponsor has been a life saver for me!

  • Peace to you Carollyn! Xox God bless you.

  • Im happy your getting help to cope…but it still hurts dont it? I felt like I was living with the enemy…as Im sure ya know what I mean by that! You have to make a choice..whether ya want to live with being abused…which is what it is….or make plans…save money to visit..someone in C.A. that will let ya stay there a short time…till ya can find a job there…or apply on line & when ya get one then move in with someone till ya can afford your own…so how did ya get your horses down here? If ya want to keep them guess ya will have to board them till ya have the money to rent trailer to transport them..….everyone on here has told me that I would know when enough was enough..when ya lose all of your hope then ya have to decide if ya want to live like ya are for the rest of your life…maybe ya can handle it…but when ya start feeling happy when they leave for peace sake….& if ya are afraid of him & stay in another room locked up or barricaded so ya can hear him come in…cause they arent in their right mind…..sometimes…is that really a marriage…? Dont ya want a healthy marriage? My ah loves me I think as much as he could anyone …..but some people dont love theirselves & don’t know how to love…..but that still isn’t a reason to stay with them…put your self first…think long &hard if ya wnt to live like that…& as my mom always said…life is just to short….shes right…I can’t believe Im my age…my ah is 10 years 4 mos younger than me…( I look younger than I am…but dont change my age…lol) he’s still way over 40! Hes old enough if he was sincere bout stopping his addictions..he started when he was young…he would have done it by now..thats another thing to consider….Dallas…how long has your 56 yr. old been an ah? after so many years the brain damage is irreversible …that pretty much cinched it for me….that has to be my ah’s case…he claimed he stopped for years then went back to it…but still it would make it 20 years…he’s been at it…dont know if its consecutive years (what if they stop(he claims for 7 years then go bk to ya start counting over then????? anybody know???? he was prob. lying anyways…bout stopping…lol…my counselor said if they stop for that many years then go back they really are a full pledged ah…anyone know research on this? Guess I need to read more bout this…just for knowledge sake…my divorce is nxt mo. hat to gt bk in dating scene again…its a jungle out there…I think ya all know bout that too…uggg….peace & luv!

  • Pez

    Hi Carollyn, My XAB did not drink for the last 8 years of his marriage–then divorce happened and he started drinking again, that’s when I met him. 5 years later he is still gorging on alcohol and we are no more. What I have read is if an alcoholic begins drinking again they take off where they left off, revert back to that point emotionally and in every way. they gave in and got there so called best friend back and I personally think it’s doubly hard now for them to give it up–“they did for so long” now is there excuse to indulge for rest of there lives unless something wakes them up–like lots of consequenses. I know mine started at 15 years old and I have read the younger they start the harder it is to quit. and you are right, also the longer they are A’s the less likely they will seek recovery–the damage has been done, the genes are changed, the brain de-evolves and shrinks. A miracle is needed.

  • Thanks for the info. I know he did drugs & alcohol in college…he said..but maybe he started before that..but thats very young…& his ex wife was an alcoholic…he claims thats why he became one…then he said he stopped for 7 years.(may be a lie)…but who knows…he lied to me…many times…said he stopped but was hiding it in garage…& so I think maybe he stopped here & there or cut down…but started bk up again…I found an aa book dated 2 mos. before we met(after we married & saw he had a prob.) before marriage he told me he didnt drink (drank fake beer) around me…when I asked him bout it he said oh they had a new book so he thought hed get it…another time he said well he did get drunk one time on his bday before we met…but hadnt for 7 years….( I think) or the 7 yrs may have been during his ex marriage….but anyway hadn’t drank for a long time he said…I just have no idea whats true…anymore…just that he can’t stop his self…he left a voice mail on my phone …saying I was right he had a prob.(Ive heard that many a time) but had to stop little by little cause he had the tremors if he didnt drink & theyd hospitalize him…(then he’d lose his new job he took on probation that if he did a good job for 6 months they’d keep him…so even after 6 mos. & he went in for treatment…he will still come out with the brain damage…& the dry drunk thingy…I dont really understand…my son tells me…mom hes mean when he don’t drink…so whats the use in trying anymore…& hes right…hes an angry man…& he takes it out on me…..just have to face it….a miracle ….is needed i agree…Pez…..& I believe in miracles …ya mentioned lots of consequences…also…maybe me divorcing him is one…he prob. will need more…so i will just leave that to God…but staying with him & believing another one of his empty promises I know now is enabling him…& so if i look at it this way…me giving my marriage up is helping him…(turned out to be a bogus marriage anyway..& it could have been wonderful if he could have stayed the good husband I got glimpses of….so sad …for our marriage that could have been..& sad for the person he could be….we just have to pray for them & leave them to God..for the consequences & miracles….peace!!!!

  • linda

    I too can relate to your post. My a has drank n did drugs since he was third teen is now 57. I belivie the brain damage is their. Also has the jeckal Hyde personality. One min nice next mad at me for something.
    Was shopping Sunday n was afraid of who we saw n ran to next aile .then said it was me. Next store sat in the car by his self.

  • brigitte

    I’m v hurt and need some help. Just heard over the weekend that my ex who basically threw me and the kids away so he could drink instead is now willing to change his ways for a new woman he has known for the past 7 months. He is now going to AA and changing his life. After all the hell and heartbreak I endured with this man, the crying I did, the support I gave him, the abuse I tolerated. After all that and begging him for five years to see what he was doing to us, he decides to get sober for someone else. How cruel is that?

  • Julie21

    Brigitte, I know you are hurting and maybe feel like you were not good enough in his eyes to change for. But please realize that the fact that he did not change because he loved you and the children was soemthing wrong inside of him, not you or your children in any way. Go ahead and cry because it hurts, but then let it go. You really do not know the inside details and do not know why he has decided to take steps to change. This really does not mean that he will change or complete recovery and that may not be a situation you would want to be in anyhow. Because the truth is he needs to change for himself not for someone else or it will not work anyway. So do not feel that he cahnged for a new woman because she is in some way more worthy than you or your children. That is not the case. For all you know he is playing a game to keep her and he will not really change. And if he is truly changing then it is for himself because he has finally decided not to live like that anymore and he has already lost you. If he does a true change he will eventually come to you for forgiveness to make amends but do not wait for that. It is okay to feel hurt, but do not put yourself down for this in anyway, that is what i am saying.

  • brigitte…dont hold your breath…(.I think the saying is lol?) Your ex has only been with this woman 7 months…..think back at how it was in the beginning with him…he was nicer …didnt drink very much ..or at least less..& his promises to stop drinking & be nicer to you …he kept longer …than later in marriage…cause they feel safer to mess up the longer ya tolerate it……do you know why hes going to aa now? Probably at her insistence …..or threats to leave…..& when they go for someone else..its not them wanting to stop its..their gf…..or the wife begging him to go..(like ya said ya did)…..maybe he didn’t go for you because he thought ya wouldn’t really leave. you had kids together…he doesnt with her…& its very early in relationship…& .cause ya tolerated him for 5 long years….hes prob. doing it now cause its early in relationship….hes trying to appease her (throwing her a bone)…mine stopped for short periods…but only cause I begged him to….he claimed he wanted to…but it was my idea…& thats what makes the difference…its always a roller coaster ride with them….so if its her idea…he will start sneaking…shots…hiding liquour….then 1 drink a day …then 1 drink a day with refreshing the 1 drink over & over…then getting up in night to sneak shots…on & on till they are over drinking again…mine did this all the time… dont allow yourself to be upset…just wait & see if he don’t go back to drinking…& I like what one of my ah friend sisters said on a post…she said she left him & now his new gfs problem to deal with his issue…try to adopt that mindset…believe me I know your heartbreak…Ive had crying sprees…the hope if hed just realize our marriage is worth it & want to stop drinking…fantasies of him as a knight in shining armor..the good part of him…riding in on an (airplane) cause he got a better job out of state)…..& taking me in his arms & saying (..”Ive came for my woman …& left my drinking behind forever…you mean more to me than liquor & i ‘m ready to make tis marriage work now”)…thats been in the back of my mind…it hurts i know…when ya think they should care more about you & kids than their addiction…to us its a no-brainer…to them it is too…however they brain….or at least a compromised one…guess thats how we have to look at it…they are messed up….I believe…besides…having the desire to stop…if the ah has been drinbking for a long time…that they need to go in an institution & say …i cant do it by myself….I say this cause..of my seeing my ah try again & stop to no avail….maybe aa may work for newbies… or help ah’s drink less….but how do they know when a ah sneaks? The ah would have to have a great desire to stop & I know they have a system in place…for support but the ah has to want to stop above everything else….lots of strength on their part…I was reading there it is unlawful to fire someone from job because of a drinking prob. cause it is now considered a disease…so workplace must allow the ah to get treatment..( I suppose this will include in-treatment if necessary ) & if the ah really want to stop…I believe they just need to surrender theirselve to in-treatment….& to God for help with something they cant conquer theirselves….brigitte…dot worry bout your ex now…dont carry his problem anymore…because then that makes it your problem too…its easier said than done…but let someone else deal with the pain ah’s bestow on others……when i read the comment let the new gf deal with his driinking prob…Im done dealing with it…that helped me…brigitte..say that out loud right now…see how it feels. say “My exes drinking problem is the new gfs problem to deal with now not mine…Im over it”…feels good dont it? get angry bout how he did ya then say it…. I do gives me power to move on…just saying it out loud……he is your ex now…worry bout you & your & your kids needs …move on…you deserve it….look forward dont look back & pray to God when you think about your ex.…to comfort you…look up Bible verses that comfort you…I dont remember what ah sis friend said what I told ya to say..but i think it helped me more than anything on here to move on…I read it & I said …yes shes right…its not my problem anymore..its the new gf that gets him & she has to go through what I did…but i dont have to anymore…its out of my hands…I should be happy…so no looking back …look forward…this speech was for me as much as it was all my fellow ah friend sisters on this site…peace to all!!!!!!

  • Amen & Amen…Julie 21…so true….Im still hurting & cry…tears are supposed to be healing…but brigitte…when ya get angry say the thing i told ya to… youll start getting stronger…by the way ..i took my wedding rings off today …i havent been able to…till today..& Im cying today…but divorcing is a loss similar to death…a death of a relationship…ya didn’t want to lose…I took them off today because..he wont pay 1/2 for the divorce…because he claims i owe him for some of the operation i had on my nose to cosmetically raise tipn that lowered when he broke it..he doesnt count the vacation i pd for or the garage door I pd for…so i got mad…thinking if he thought i was worth ever getting bk. & stopping drinking for he’d pay 1/2 just to have the slightest chance to try again with me if he did get serious & stop drinking….ayway….brigitte I hope when ya get to your angry stage you will say the words out loud i mentioned…im going to say them right now soon to be ex ah ‘s drinking problm is his now not mine & his new gf’s issue to deal with…Im moving forward! Okay that made me feel better…I feel like i know how it is to be bi-polar right now…cause I wax & wane between crying…anger…crying….uggggg…kudos to any bipolars out there…how do you deal with the mood swings? I think thats what our ah’s make us all feel like…or maybe some of you can keep a consistent mood during their Dr. Jekall/Mr. Hide personalities..I couldn’t…cause it was going from having hope…maybe this time they mean it…to having hopes smashed again over & over…it takes a tow doesnt it? The ah spouse suffers as much as the ah…just in different ways…peace & love to all!!!

  • Please be careful…have an escape plan…keep phone nearby……be praying for ya!

  • Brigitte

    Thank you both for your kind words and I understand that he more than likely could be going at her insistence. She is rather domineering so that more than likely could be what it is. I think I just have a lot of anger and bitterness towards him and how he treated myself and the kids and as Julie mentioned, if he is in serious recovery he will more than likely try amend and apologise to me.
    I know it isn’t a good thing for my recovery but the way I feel about him right now, I think that if he ever approaches me to make amendments, I don’t think I can ever forgive him.
    The lies he tells strangers about me, the cheating on me, the way he kicked the kids and I out of his house when we no longer were needed and didn’t suit his lifestyle. The disrespect, the disinterest, the abuse. All of that and I fell apart at the seams and had a nervous breakdown while he carried on with his life quite happily as if we meant nothing to him. Then he does something like this!! Don’t get me wrong, I want more than ever for him to find sobriety but I just battle to under stand why he couldn’t have done this when we were a family. Suppose I never will.

  • I know from experience that when ya hold bitterness & anger inside…(even though he deserves your anger & bitterness…)…those harbored feelings can make you sick inside emotionally & can also make ya physically sick…& Ive been there..the answer for me is God & prayer…seems to be with me…its a process…sometimes ya have to give it to God to take it away many times before ya can actually achieve it…& then just when ya think youve let it go it creeps bk in…the realization…that harboring these feelings….does no good for you & doesn’t change anything at all ..except make things worse…and Ive found out that its forgiving the person that sets you free…& allows you to heal…& you deserve to heal for putting up with him & trying to make marriage work….he is still in his own prison..hes made fro his self…don’t put your self in there with him…because your carrying his problem then…don’t forget we can’t make someone else change we can only change ourself…& for your own good & your kids…I will pray God gives ya the means to just give his problems bk to him….you can even do this in your mind…in visualization…..close your eyes.. ..imagine ex standing there..& imagine his problems in your hands ..the ones that made you so angry..think about them all…then open your hand/s & blow them back to him where they belong…as ya do this blowing feel the anger & bitterness leave you.…this kind of visualization…I have found helpful…or visualize the same thing but give it to God to take away in prayer..& I think julie is right also,if he is sincere,he will prob. try to apologize..I will pray God give ya peace through all of this & be good to yourself..& your needs & your kids….peace!

  • linda

    I also feel like I’m living with a room mate. Walks around here in silence. Smug! The lying n denying. This is why I feel like the outsider in my own home. Panics when we see someone from town. Then projects that on me. The a is trying to make me look like the crazy one.

  • Pez

    Bridgette, I am sooo sorry this has happened to you. I think it would be hard for anyone to handle!! But don’t hold your breath, I agree with the above, It may be all smoke and mirrors to appease! And relapse is very possible. Forgiveness is tough especially with what we have been through. Be patient with yourself, this may take a lot of time to work through!! Right now if my XAB came in forgiveness, I’d tell him no way!! But eventually I think I will get there. too fresh right now. My heart is with you Bridgette.
    Right now my XBA is going down. Getting in trouble with probation and violation and more. It’s bittersweet. I thank God for the justice, but never wanted this to happen. Wanted to see him get well and our relationship to go on. But it’s for the best. Maybe this will be the wake up call, or maybe not and he will loose everything. Very sad.

  • Brigitte I give the new relationship maybe a few more mos. ….lol…if she is domineering she won’t put up with his behavior as long as you did…& I agere with Pez…he will prob. have a relapse…prob. sooner than later…I think he will start realizing what he had with you…he may not admit it….but inside his self he will realize….& he may come crawling bk…but remember what ya had to go through with him…& look at the signs hes sincere list…cause when ya luv someone you want to believe them so bad & hold on to that one thread of hope…Ive done it many times…then when i read the signs he isn’t sincere list…I saw exactly what mine did every time he made a promise he’d change…I think healing is a matter of letting the nightmare go…& not holding on to the dream anymore…then the ability to forgive & get rid of the bad feeelings will follow…cause as long as ya hold on believe empty promises…the more ya will be hurt ,lied to, let down…Im speaking from experience..& i need to count my blessings that there is distance now between me & my soon to be ex…makes it easier when there are 100’s of miles between you…Pez also said it will take a lot of time to work through…Im going through that also….another baby step the other day…the first time i could take my wedding rings off…cause he refused to pay for 1/2 divorce …I see …if he was sincere bout the voicemail he left…he would do everything he could to make amends….including not refusing to pay 1/2 of divorce fee…esp. since I pd for a lot of thigs i didnt have to for him..actually that was more than a baby step…maybe one big step towards letting go…….& Pez..Ive been told so many times the a… has to reach rock bottom before they change..maybe this will be your axb’s rock bottom…& if not I pray you ail have the strength to move on..& let him suffer consequences…I have reached the conclusion maybe me letting my marriage go will be a big loss to my ah & maybe he will get help..staying with him was enabling him to continue his abuse mean/sweet cycle…it is very sad…my heart is with ya both & Ill pray for ya along with my prayers to God to get me through this..Gods blessings..leave their problems with the a’s…dont make them your problems…plan for you & your kids..& your well-being…be good to yourselves…peace!

  • Hi! I found a good article on dry drunks ….this is very true in my life for the last 2 years with my ah….so revealing..why didn’t I read this stuff before? I don’t know why some of the counselors didn’t suggest it…a least I would have known what was going on… is the paste wish you all a Merry safe blessed Christmas!

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