What are the ways of detaching from someone who drinks too much? Why would we want to detach form an alcoholic? How can I do this in love when I am so angry at them for being this way? Is loving them still possible after all they have done to me?
This particular subject unfolds into many various roads. I will shed some light and share suggestions on how to separate our emotions from being enmeshed with a problem drinker. Separating ourselves from the way they affect us takes time. It is a process of learning how to do things differently. We don’t really realize it at the time, but our entire lives get all interconnected with everything they are doing and it really affects our behaviors in damaging and negative ways.
Don’t Allow Them to Rent Space in Your Head
You may be thinking; “what does HE mean by that?” Obsessing over an alcoholic is our biggest problem in this situation. The constant looming thoughts in our heads are taking up precious space in our minds. With that being said, don’t allow them to rent space in your head. Find things to do which will change your focus. Read books, exercise, go to the movies or talk to a friend on the phone. Find things that will help your mind DETACH from thinking about them.
Learn to Take Care of Yourself
In the midst of your extremely busy life, learn how to take “out time” for yourself. The alcoholic may not like it that you are doing something to make your SELF happy. That’s OK… do it anyway! When they approach you afterward, just say; “I’m sorry you fell that way” and go into another room.
Understand that alcoholics keep us angry and anxious. We must do things for ourselves in the detachment process regardless of what they think about us. If you are a woman, get your hair and nails done. If you are a man go golfing, fishing or go for a walk. Taking time out to get a massage works really well for relieving stress. You can count on meeting resistance from them, but you have to start taking care of yourself regardless of what they think.
Detaching From What They Think
Because an alcoholic uses anger to try and control us, we must not get upset when they voice their disapproval of when we take care of ourselves. If you get involved with alcoholism support group meetings, the alcoholic will try to goof up your plans. They might say something like; “why are you going to those stupid meetings?” It’s possible they will try to create an argument with you just prior to you leaving for a meeting. It doesn’t matter what they say. Take care of yourself and make your support group meetings and recovery literature the most important part of your life.
Detaching From The Phone
You have a choice…you can either answer the phone or not answer it. You also have another choice. You can either listen to a message they have left you or delete it without listening. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET THEM UPSET YOU ON THE PHONE. If they are getting out of hand, kindly say; “I’m going to hang up now. I’ll talk to you later.” Then gently hang up the phone. If they leave you nasty messages, don’t listen to them. If the start calling you repeatedly, don’t answer the phone. This is how we detach form the negative influences that an alcoholic has on our lives.
In a sense we are protecting our own emotional self.
How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic
Detaching from the old behaviors of arguing with them takes a while. You will have to learn how to keep your mouth shut. When you sense an argument is starting, tell them that you love them or really care about them and then say; “I don’t care to discuss this right now.” You can then go into a different room, close the door and read a book or watch TV. It doesn’t matter what you do…just find something to do other than to argue with them. Learning how to not fight with an alcoholic takes time. This is why it’s important to get involved in support-group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics.
Detaching from the way we have been doing things is a huge subject. We must learn how to separate ourselves from feelings of guilt and shame.
How To Enjoy More Peace and Serenity
- We learn how to avoid getting into arguments.
- We stop getting into the car and driving around to try and find them.
- We quit snooping around in their stuff trying to find their stash.
- We stop obsessing over the alcoholic’s behaviors.
- We learn how to just get in bed and go to sleep when they aren’t home late at night.
- We detach from confronting the lies.
- We learn how to let go and let God deal with them.
- We stop calling them to check up on them.
There are so many things effecting your life right now from the alcoholic’s behaviors that it’s going to take a while to learn how to do things differently. Little by little, “one day at a time” things will get better as you learn more about how to detach from an alcoholic.
When dealing with an alcoholic, learning loving detachment techniques is vitally important. As we grow in knowledge about alcoholism and how to handle dysfunctional situations better, we start understanding that enabling and detaching are very closely related.
As you continue reading you will learn various methods of separating yourself in a loving way from the destructive behaviors of someone else who is close in your life. These lessons can be applied to many different types of relationships.
The more co-dependent we are and enmeshed with someone, the harder it is to distinguish where we begin and they end. When they are happy, we also are happy. When they are angry our emotions are affected in a negative way as well. We can learn how to not flow with the mood swings of an alcoholic. It’s just going to take making a few changes and doing that “one day at a time.” Remember to go easy on yourself. These changes are all about making progress and not necessarily about doing everything perfectly. If you mess up, just start over.
Let me just trow out a few…
Suggestions That Will Help You Detach from an Alcoholic:
- Get involved in Al-anon support group meetings. Al-anon is a great organization to try.
- Read literature on the subject
- Start developing friendships with people from your support-group meetings
- Take notes during meetings
- Start keeping a journal
- Make this new lifestyle the number one priority in your life
Now here are a few…
Methods of Detaching From A Problem Drinker:
- Kindly say, ” goodbye” and hang up the phone
- Refuse to listen to phone messages after you hang up and they frantically call you over and-over again.
- Quit investigating what they are doing
- Read books or go visit with friends
- Shut your mouth when you are angry at them and go into another room
- Don’t look at them trying to figure out if they’ve been drinking
- Get your own life by doing things you enjoy doing without them
- Don’t allow them to rent space in your head,. Stop thinking about them all the time
- Arguing with an alcoholic accomplishes nothing. Refuse to partake in the chaos
- Let go of them completely and stop trying to control their behaviors
- Go for walks
- Talk on the phone to friends or relatives
- Take up hobbies again
When We Start Detaching-We Stop Enabling.
This new way of acting will allow the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their actions and also help them to reach their bottom. In separating ourselves from all of their drama, we in turn, experience more peace and serenity in our own personal lives. Loving the alcoholic by letting go is the goal of this detachment process that we are learning about.
Separating ourselves as an individual in a co-dependent relationship takes time. As we continue attending alcoholism support group meetings and set goals to better our personal lives, it becomes easier to lovingly remove ourselves from the alcoholic’s behaviors. Being kind to an alcoholic will become easier as we learn how to love them differently. Again, this is not something that will happen overnight.
Avoiding The Sting
As time goes on, we begin to recognize the times in which associating with them would not be a good idea. As we continue to learn detachment methods, the sting of alcoholism occurs less frequently. This works very much like hanging out around a bee hive. As long as you don’t stick your nose in the hive and keep a safe distance, you won’t get stung.
The hard part of detachment from an alcoholic is breaking habitual patterns that we have been doing for a long time. This “just takes time.” I’ve heard it said: “if you walk a hundred miles in the woods, don’t expect to walk out in an hour.” The same applies to being obsessed with an alcoholic. It takes time and effort to break free from our destructive behavior patterns that we have become accustomed to.
As we begin to detach more from all of their drama, we quit enabling them to depend upon us. It’s hard to do at first because we are so used to rescuing them from everything. When we quit rescuing them and let them suffer the consequences of their actions, we are less affected by their behaviors.
Detaching from an alcoholic means that we let go of them. It doesn’t mean that we quit loving or caring about them. We just learn how to mind our own business and start living our own lives as they continue to drink. Even though we may still get frustrated with an alcoholic, we will react differently so that WE will remain more calm and experience greater levels of peace within ourselves.
Today-
Consider making a list of things that you enjoy doing and start doing them. This can help tremendously in the process of changing our focus.
The alcoholic may not like our changes in behavior, OH WELL! We have to be strong as we start doing things differently. This is why we need the support of support group meetings and of friends who know how to help us change.
Loving detachment from alcoholism means that we don’t make decisions based upon the alcoholic’s opinions, moods or advice in relation to our life. We eventually begin to be hardly affected by their destructive behaviors, views and attitudes toward us.
Now …I know I’ve shared a lot in this session, but just remember to do the best that you can “one day at a time.”
Written By: JC Google +
My husband doesnt even have health ins. plus he has a daily cough from chronic pot smoking
To everyone who is participating, thanks for being open and honest in sharing your experience, strength and hope. Although our lives are different we need to pull form the wisdom of others when learning how to detach from an alcoholic.
Here are a few posts:
Alcoholic Needs To Hit The Road
Why The Family Of Problem Drinkers Need Recovery
Avoid Getting Abused By An Alcoholic
Ok, I read those three articles. Thank you JC for pointing them out to me.
About detachment; I’ve been slowing working on it, I think. However just lately I’ve been feeling melancholy and somber, which is unusual for me to feel this way. Like I’ve lost (death) someone. Grieving maybe? I haven’t had any conversations with my DH (Damn Husband in my case) during these past few days other than “Can you grill the steaks?”, “The babies need diaper changes.” (if I’m busy making dinner), etc. Very small talk.
I went to church last past Sunday and then stopped to visit my parents. I was talking to my parents about the church sermon and what I got out of it. Mom always has her bible near by so we looked up a few verses here and there. It felt good to have this un”normal” kind of visit with my parents. I’ve been praying for God’s strength and also to make the right choice(s) for what’s best for myself and our children as far as to divorce or not to divorce. I really hate the thought of divorce but I just don’t know how much more I can tolerate his drinking and all that goes along with it. I really do not want to be around him when or if he hits rock bottom. UGH!!!
Tom,
The same rules apply for you in your situation with your alcoholic son as the rest of us dealing with alcoholic spouses. You can love your son but with detachment. Look on this site for the material and information regarding this. You can live with your son, but with new rules for your peace of mind. Set boundaries and don’t tolerate any bad behaviour or threats and don’t allow your son to burden you with negative emotions of guilt and the like. You can’t control whether he suicides or not. So let go of the idea you can. If he means it, he will find a way regardless. Let go of your guilt and the threat of possibilities. Cut your parent bond but not the love. Let your son know you love him but won’t put up with ANY bad behaviour that impinges on your family home and your wife or your lives and health.
Your son is a grown man, not necessarily grown up but an adult nevertheless. He has to deal with his choices – alcohol, where he is in life. It was not you or your wife that put him there. You have shown nothing but great love and support for him. He should be so grateful for this. Also perhaps consider altering the level of support – mostly financial, not the love – so you aren’t unwittingly enabling his alcoholic behaviour and mis-behaviour. Set firm boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable to make all your lives better. Alcoholics do love having boundaries. They are a bit like children in that regard. If they know the boundary they will work toward the acceptable level. If they cross it they need to learn to deal with it like a young child needs to learn about boundary and consequence. It gives them focus in life on behaviour. Better to focus on behaviour and boundaries than trying to cause disruption to get attention. Reward them verbally with recognition for keeping to the boundaries set. Saying thanks for controlling your anger when you see they are brewing underneath is a reward of recognition for their control over their emotions. This is just one example so you can get what I’m trying to say. Setting boundaries will improve all your lives.
Encourage him to seek help for his alcoholic behaviour. Talk calmly with him about this when he is sober or soberish. Tell him he has a problem with alcohol and to think of the times and places of what alcohol and drinking has caused. Tell him you have observed his increasing agressiveness. Tell him you are not out to get him but help him with his problems. If voices or tempers become heated or raised, stop right there and say, “we’ll end this now and discuss it again after you give it some thought.” And end it with “we only have your welfare in mind. We love you son.” Showing and saying you love someone is a very powerful tool for your loved one. They mightn’t say anything to that in return, but they feel the power of your love and will think about it long after you have said it.
Also seek the assistance of your pastor from church if you are in a church, they can offer spiritual health and healing for you and your wife. Everything and anything discussed with your pastor is confidential and totally private. Seek a pastor out if you aren’t in a church group. Also, as others have said, Al Anon is priceless to get you on your path to recovery to lead a happy and healthy life.
God bless you and your wife.
Oh and one other thing, when you feel like you “can’t take anymore” [your words] you walk away. Come back when you feel strong again. Don’t let him break you down to that point. As soon as you recognise that point is coming up. Tell him “end of discussion”. Then turn and walk away, to another room, to another house [a friend’s, neighbours whatever]. Go for a walk in the park or drive in the car with your wife. You return to face your son when you are ready. Take control of your emotions and yourself and your behaviour and only good can come out of it for you. Other family members can use the same tactic. Detach from your abusive son, walk away. Forgive him for his misbehaviour in your mind. He is unwell with the disease of addiction. Also he doesn’t need to know you are forgiving him. You don’t need to tell him he is forgiven for his non stop verbal attacks that break you down. Walk away and face him when you feel cool, calm, collected and able. Don’t allow yourself to get to the point of feeling broken down by him. Calmly walk away and return when you feel strong and recovered. Don’t stand there and give him the attention to fuel his abuse. You or anyone.
Hope this helps. Think it all through.
Boy, believe in the power oF prayer. I have often times
complained about my husband on this web sight. His daughter recently moved in and is taking a 21 day live
in,rehab for drugs. Things are coming to a big blast of
truth and honesty. It is forcing my husband to take a look
at his alcoholism. There is a huge argument between the
x-wife, her live in, my husband, sisters and everyone
thinks they are right. Maybe through this and the family
required attendance at a couple of classes for re-hab.
I don’t know where all this is going and seems totally
unmanageable, so I am trying to stay out of the way.
Maybe the night she slept in her car in the snow pushed
her to finally seek help. Thanks to all for all of the
prayers extended to my situation. Hopefully this mixed
family can get back on track.
thank you julie for your suggestion of the book. i am getting more concerned for the safety of my daughter. she is now 21, the alcoholic says he is going to find her and that he knows where she is. he says demeaning sexual things about her, i am scared that he will act upon this. he is obsessed with her and says i will be dead and he will get her then and do all sorts of sexual acts on her. my daughter hates his guts and has not seen him since she was 15. he even said he went down my laundry basket and got out her knickers, she was then only 14. OMG
Friends, it’s been 2 weeks since I left my alcoholic, and every day gets better and life is sweeter. The peace is almost overwhelming at times. I think feeling the tension one feels when living with an alcoholic becomes habit. Blessedly, that’s beginning to fade. Life is starting to take on its own routine, and it’s good. I’ve had texts from him, but I don’t rush to reply, if I do at all. Little things like eating what I want for supper, or watching what I want on tv are such delights. All the nightmare of dealing with packing and moving, the incredible tension waiting for moving day, the awful second-guessing my decision, feeling guilty for leaving and the endless list of details to be handled were all worth it. Stay strong and do what’s best for you. You’re all stronger than you think you are. God bless.
hi sally, i just read your msg and was impressed that you left which must have been so difficult. i left my partner on wednesday, i said i would be back in a week as was visiting my son and daughter but i am now going up north to see my mum on sunday and havnt told him. worried about his reactions. he started he drunk again the day i left and has been calling with obscenities again. now that has died down and he is pleading with me to come back and saying if i loved him i wouldnt have left him in such a state. i feel bad that i havnt told him i am to visit my mum, dont know how to tell him when he gets in touch, think he has broken yet another mobile. the worry of it all is making me so old!
@sally, it was hard to leave, but something that made it easier was imagining another year, 5 years, 20 years living like that. I knew that if I was already worn down and discouraged after 5 years, another 5 or 25 would kill anything in me that is good. Stop worrying about the drunk in your life. “If you really loved me…” is a typical comment from a drunk. It’s always about him, never about you. You can’t worry about what his reaction may be. Do what you have to do for you and he’ll manage somehow – drunks always do. Stay away from him, no matter how hard things may seem without him. Believe me, life is better without the constant stress and upheaval a drunk causes for everyone except himself. Ever notice how whatever they do never seems to give them a fraction of the grief it causes us? What are you so afraid of? So what if he gets mad. Isn’t he usually, about something? Words are only what you allow them to be. You didn’t come into this world to be mistreated, so stop letting it happen. You are better than that, but YOU have to be the first person to treat yourself well and look out for your welfare. Never allow anyone to take over that job, because they’ll always muck it up. Drunks may love in their own way, but it’s usually never a good way, and there’s always their need to be 1st and foremost taken care of. They’re lousy at taking care of anyone other than themselves. No matter what he says, your drunk always has his best interest in mind before anything else, especially you. Stay strong and remember that there is joy in the world for you – but living with a drunk you won’t find it. Stay in touch. I care how you’re doing.
Hi Sally, good for you. It’s nice you have finally decided to stick up for yourself. I did too, three days ago my alcoholic wife was so drunk that she picked a fight with me in the restaurant we own after closing time. I really was about nothing, and I tried to calm her by saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”, etc but it did no good. She started taking off her jewelry and wedding ring and handed them to me saying “Our marriage is over and I’m sleeping at the restaurant tonight! Go home and sleep by yourself”! (She usually pawns everythin goes on a binge with the money, so I was surprised I got the jewelry back this time.)She knows that I love her from the bottom of my heart and did it to get power over me. Instead of cowering I said “Okay, if that’s how you feel, fine! Let it be over as I’m not putting up with this yet again”. I knew from past experience that as soon as I left the restaurant she was going on yet another 4 day binge, that’s why I put my foot down this time. I drove away after saying “Okay by me, if this is the end then I never want to set eyes on you ever again”. It took a great deal of courage as I do sincerely love her very deeply. But as you said, in another five years it’s going to be the same whatever I do, so why stick around and take the abusive behavior for ever and a day? It has been a Hell of a three days without her as I do still do worry about her from time to time before I snap myself back to the now. I know I’m going to get a phone call sooner or later after she’s broke and sleeping it off on a concreat floor or someones bed in a cheap hotel room! We live in a georgious home and the grass is always greener on the other side and when she comes to her senses she is going to find it’s too late. I have unplugged the phone and I have decided not to answer “her call” when it comes. It will all be my fault anyway, so why bother trying to pick up the pieces? Oh, and the fight? What was it about? She wanted me to pay a tab for my dinner in a restaurant I own. The cost? It was $6.00 and I hadn’t put my hand in my pocket fast enough which started her off on a tirade about how selfish I am. I bought her the restaurant so she would have her own business and something to do!!! A lot of other greavences surfaced and it soon developed into a full blown fight.After the terrible period of missing her I’m beginning to get my life back together, took the dogs to the beach, treating myself to a fine dinner without alcohol of any kind I settled down to watch a good movie and I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. I have stopped obsessing about where she is and who she is sleeping with (She commited adulter after only 7 months of our marriage so it’s nothing new and frankly the damage has already been done). And I’m trying to get my life, my sanity and self identity back. And, I’m not taking her back this time,…period!She has got to hit rock bottom. I have been shilding her from it ever since I met her and it didn’t do any good, so I have cut her lose and I hope she comes through it okay. And, Sally, that’s what you must do with your husband as much as you still love him,I’m sure. We have to let them go and trust in God that they see the error of their ways before they drink themselves to death or fall in front of a car. Don’t be guilty, you are not the reason he drinks!!! And, what ever you decide to do with the rest of your life, don’t go back to an abusive relationship. Please look at “Kiannaluv” on U Tube on the internet about her experience in an abusive relationship, just punch in “I was abused and contemplated suicide”. I’m sure it will ring a few bells!!! Good luck and I do care about you and feel for you, too. Believe me,I KNOW what you are going through.
James
James thanks for sharing about the Youtube video, excellent.
@James, you can bet your last dollar that I will never go back and I won’t ever allow him into my life again. Seasons change, people don’t. My guilt ended the third time he texted me about something I’d already told him would take place on “x” day, having a gun safe moved that’s 1K lbs, trying yet again to dictate to me when it would happen – and I’M the one paying for having it moved! Like your wife, nothing good that’s done for him can just be; he has to attempt to control the conditions. Uh…no. I’m the one who made the arrangements, I’m paying for the movers, so him trying to make it all about him doesn’t sit well with me. Please make sure you take whatever steps you need to take in order to protect your business and your assets from your wife. My boyfriend has contacted me several times, trying to make me feel responsible for one thing or another financially, but I haven’t and I won’t give him a dime, nor will I pay for anything past what I’ve already paid. I may always care for him, but I’ll never again let him have any influence over any event in my life. Living with an alcoholic isn’t a normal life, and as I’m not insane, I’d never go back. I wasn’t surprised to hear that your wife called you selfish – that’s a favorite tactic of alcoholics. There are no more selfish people on this planet than alcoholics. I’m a giving person, but I won’t give another minute of my life to an alcoholic. The short rest of my life (I’m 56) won’t be wasted. There are too many simple joys in life I haven’t experienced in a while, and I’m starting to catch up with them. One thing I’ve never, ever contemplated because of my alcoholic boyfriend was suicide. I’m too much of a survivor for that. Peace to you, James. You’ve earned it.
No problem, I hope it helps others see the errors in their reasoning as it did me and mine. James
Hi Sally, Just for the record, I didn’t think you were suicidal. I just mentioned the video which is 35 minutes long as it is a good guide to how manipulative some partners can be within a relationship. I hope you watch it and gain from doing so as I did. It sure rang a few bells for me. I am also a survivor but I must be honest and say, when my wife and I were driving in our car up a very steep hill by the sea I suddenly had the most incredible urge to drive over the cliff into the sea. It only lasted a couple of second but it sure frightened the hell out of me. I was having terrible domestic trobles with my wife at the time because of her drinking. I hope you’ll agree we all have such thoughts when we are in a manipulative relationship. Thank God she’s gone is all I can say!
James
@James, I did watch the video, and it was so spot-on about the stupid rules we allow our SOs to impose on us. I’m happy that I’m now in a place mentally where I would never allow anyone to attempt to make rules for my life. Every day is so wonderful now that I’m not continually exposed to the negativity that goes with living with a drunk. All the things I enjoy doing I do without that dark cloud of disapproval hanging over me, and that voice asking why I would want to do [whatever]. I hope you’re enjoying your “new” life as well. I will be viligant in guarding against getting involved with anyone else for a very, very long time, if ever again. I neither need nor want the continual compromise that a relationship entails. Truth to tell, I’m not in a frame of mind to compromise about anything right now, and I’m loving it! Be well.
sorry – vigilant not viligant. 🙂
We all have good days and bad days with the alcoholic in our lives. Today is a bad day for me without going into it all. On the bad days – when they refuse to talk to you to make you feel bad, or they abuse you verbally with constant attacks of character it’s best to escape with your mind and run away with a book or just run away from it all and let them stew in the mess they have created. If they were really straight ie: non-alcoholics they would get over their personal issues or deal with a relationship in a rational manner. All they ever want to do is create drama for themselves so they feel justified about their urge to find comfort in the bottle.
My solace lies in running. I’m going for a nice big run to burn off the negative energy left behind by the alcoholic. Hope I come back feeling invigorated and charged for life.
Hi, Good for you Caitlyn. I’m doing the same. I get out and jog, walk my dogs, and eat healthily. That’s the secret, watch your diet. Try to eat Mediterranean-style: fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, fish, and other foods low in saturated and trans fats. Cut down on meat, you need it in your diet but it really isn’t good for you, so eat it once or twice a week, eat fish instead. It’s important to take care of yourself. Don’t let the alcoholic in your life drag you down with them.
You think you have bad days with your alcoholic? Let me tell you, I love my wife very deeply, unfortunately she loves the bottle more than me. I had to walk away, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, and I miss her terribly. But if I stayed her alcoholism would have killed her and killed me, too. My life was in chaos, everything was neglected and going to pieces. I started making bad decisions based on her constant drinking and inebriation, and it’s very sad to watch the person you love destroy themselves..and they will destroy your life, too. We were planning to have a baby, buy land and build our dream house. I even had an architect draw up the plans. Unfortunately these things all went out the window because she is constantly drunk. She vanishes for days and sometimes weeks at a time, and ends up in other people’s beds. When she is drunk she becomes immoral and she flirted with every man she came in contact with… right in front of me. But strangely, she was constantly jealous with me. So, I would say, “When we go out together women look at me as men looked at you, but every night I go home with YOU, so what’s your problem? You’re the flirt, not me.” You know Michael Bolton’s lyrics of the song, When a Man Loves a Woman…
…He can do no wrong
He can never love some other girl
Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
‘ ‘Cause baby, baby, baby, you’re my world
I treated her like a princess and it really broke my heart, I can tell you. She never respected me at all. I know she has a disease but I find it hard to respect someone who can be that self centred. She would even drink on our way home. I often had to carry her out of the car and into our house, put her on the bed and take her clothes off, as she was paralytic. One time she was lying on the bed with all her clothes on passed out like a raggedy Ann doll with arms and legs bent all over the place. I said openly, “Darling, I feel really sorry for you!” Sad, because she is an absolutely beautiful, exotic looking girl. She is above average in intelligence, erudite, well spoken and friendly. But, that’s her problem. She loves to be the centre of attention, chat and party more than spending time at home doing domestic stuff. She says it’s boring! For me, sitting in bars getting drunk with a bunch of drunks is boring, but there it is. I married hers so I do take some responsibility for all this. Stupidly, I thought she would change and reform herself after we married but I learnt the hard way that seasons change, people don’t! We live in a beautiful home right next to the beach full of antiques, have two wonderful dogs, some great friends, tons of money in the bank as I’m a successful businessman and said to be very handsome…so, what’s wrong? Well, I have to constantly remind myself that she has a disease…and that’s how I handle it. I had to stop obsessing over her alcoholic behaviour, detach from her and make my own way. I’m not saying that this is what you have to do, Caitlyn. But my business was beginning to go to hell, my personal life was in tatters, and everyone knew that my wife was sleeping with other men… but not with me! When she was drunk guys were lining up, they didn’t give a damn if she had a wedding ring on her finger or not and she didn’t either! I had to let her go or I would have become sick myself. But it doesn’t make it any easier. As I said, I married her and I was blind to what I was letting myself in for because love is blind. So, I do take some responsibility. Just the way it is.You love someone and you want them next to you at night, but it isn’t worth losing yourself and everything you have for that. An alcoholic will drink everything away without regret.
So, take care of your self, it’s the only revenge…if that’s the right word. There is nothing better than for the alcoholic in your life to watch you go up and up while they continue to destroy their own lives. Whatever you do, don’t let him drag you down to his level, you deserve better than that, we all do. Walk away, it’s the only answer there is as there is no cure. You have to let them go, hit rock bottom and come to their senses, that’s if they ever do, because the world’s wrong and they are right. But you have to think of yourself too, and the toll their addiction will take on YOU and your life. I know it’s tough but that is how it is. Think about it, and I hope you don’t have kids because they will suffer from the utter selfishness of the me! me! me! attitude of the alcoholic, too. Remember, above all, Strive to be Happy,
James
I have been keep up with what you all have been posting these past few days again. You are strong! I know I also can be strong and wish for my alcoholic husband to leave but I know he will not, unless court ordered. I’ve spoke with a couple different family law attorney’s but I have no means to give them a retainer. The county in which I live has a “service” for low income people but they are not taking any new clients. So again, I feel stuck. 🙁 I’m concerned my husband may loose his job from not getting enough hours in cause he wakes up so late day after day of drinking all night and staying up so late. I don’t even know if he worked any yesterday or emailed in “sick”.
My 3 little ones and I are sick with flu/colds/ear infections/bronchitis, my teenagers don’t do a whole lot around the house and playing “catch up” with chores is not an option in this household. So ya, I over work myself to keep the house in order.
As I’m writing this my husband comes home from buying cigarettes… sure enough with another bottle of his booze.
:::sigh:::
Thank you from the bottom of my heart James for all your words of wisdom, comfort and compassion.
One thing we all need to remember we are where we are because we chose that place. As we chose it we can choose to unchoose it. The choice is always ours. It’s easy to find excuses to say why we can’t leave – I’m too dependent financially [crap, you can find a way out if you try hard enough], I can’t live without them [crap, you’d be surprised how your life runs ahead with you when you go there], the kids need a father/mother [crap, better off without a dysfunctional alcoholic parent] and so on and so on. Hardest part is accepting we have to do something about the situation to save ourselves emotionally and spiritually and then actioning it.
Not having a go at anyone, just trying to help you see there are always choices in life. Just as the alcoholic has chosen their path, we can choose or unchoose ours. So be brave to make the right decision for yourself whatever that may be. In choosing to stay find tactics to help you cope when the bad day arrives. In choosing to go, find the strength to see it through to the end and onto a better path for you.
Blessings of strength to you all.
Hi Caitlyn, Very brave of you. You know, the moment you ask anyone to move out of their comfort zone they come out with all the excuses to say why we can’t leave the alcoholic – I’m too dependent financially, I can’t live without them or the kids need a father/mother, as you said. These are very valid reasons to stay and it’s a very hard call to make, perhaps the hardest you are ever going to make in your life to just walk away from someone you love. However, if you expect your life to change for the better you are going to have to bite the bullet while they cut off your leg, so to speak. Do you think it was easy for me to walk away from the only woman I will probably ever love? It was HARD! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But, she has the disease of alcoholism and there is no cure, which means it ain’t ever going to get any better…EVER! My wife, after I had dragged her to three AA meeting, said to me “What’s wrong with drinking?” I knew then that it was a hopeless battle. She WANTS to drink, and she told me quite catagorically “I will do what I want!” So, that’s why I had to move out of my comfort zone of being with the woman I love from the bottom of my heart, and cut her loose even though I knew she would find another lover who would enable her to carry on drinking. With her looks she probably went from my bed to someone elses the same day, and I knew that. Do you think that was an easy decision for me??? If you care to read Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less travelled”, he explains that unless we face our problems they will just get bigger. By using avoidance we make the problem ten time worse down the line for ourselves. You can’t afford to NOT solve the problem NOW, hoping that things will change for the good and get better in future. By trying to avoid our problems we only make them bigger.Do you eat the cake first and then the icing or do you eat the icing first and then the cake? Wisdom dictates we eat the cake first and save the best till last. Your life will never improve until you walk away from the alcoholic. Eat the cake first and what’s sure to follow is the icing. And it can’t be the other way round! It can’t be! Walk away and your life will improve by leaps and bound, stay and your life will get worse and worse. It’s a tough call to make, I know, I had to make it! But it’s all about choices as you said. I hope this is understandable! You have to strive to be happy in life like going to college or getting up early and delivering newspapers, happiness and success don’t come of themselves…or rarely so. Some people do win the lottery…but so very few!!! I was trying to talk some sense into my wife one day when we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green, and talking about her excessive drinking. There was a bum lying on the sidewalk covered with unbelievable filth with a bottle in his hand, long grey hair, bear, raggedy clothes, the works. And there was a businessman in a suit waiting to cross the stree nearby. And pointing, I said “You think the difference between this man and this man is LUCK?” And some seed fell on stony ground! People make choices and if they make a bad choice, the consequences for their future happiness can be dire. So, I’m saying, make the choice, walk away or ask the bum to leave because the drunk has no love or loyalty for anyone or anything except the bottle, period! That’s how it is!!! Sorry to take it down to the bottom line and make these difficult choices sound so easy…life isn’t easy! But with an alcoholic, the ONLY answer is WALK AWAY! That’s what I did and I now have peace, stability…and a bright future. LOVE to you ALL, James
There are no absolutes when we are in a relationship with an alcoholic. The rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous are filled with people who have made a choice to get well. For that reason there is always hope for change.
This article is about learning how to detach from an alcoholic and still stay in the relationship.
In some situations it is necessary to permanently detach from a relationship with an alcoholic. On the other hand, some situations are tolerable and people have good reasons to tolerate the difficulties that are associated with being with an alcoholic.
When all of the opinions are expressed on this subject and thoroughly read, in the end, the decision is up to the individual to make.
John, Thankyou for your comments.
Learning to detatch yet stay has also been a difficult
challenge. Learning to not react to the constant chiding
was hard. I still mess up and fail to not react emotionally. Learning to hide my facial expressions and
not allowing him to push me into believing every nasty
comment he makes. When I told him I do not do guilt
I believed my own wisdom. {Thanks J. C.} One big step
and the beginning of the new me.
For those who have to leave, that is their decision.
You made it and are willing to deal with it. This
is my third marriage. Alcohol has caused me a lot of
grief. learning that part of the problem of alcohol
was that I was also drinking. Hopefully, you will not
make my mistake and get back into the environment where
charming alcoholics again deprive you of your life. Sweep
you off your feet and steal your life away from you. When I realized what I had done to myself,I quit drinking
and accepted that I was a major part of the problem. I looked at how alcohol steals our life and WE must claim and own that we contributed to our misery. We did not get to where we are at becaused we planned it, we get there
because we are attracted to it. My fault over and over.
Forgiving myself and the alcoholics in my life has contributed to my wholeness. There are many reasons for staying or leaving. It is a major life altering decision.
nothing can change for the alcoholic until he decides it and it is his decision to make. My life is not perfect.
Learning to deal with an alcoholic by admitting my responsibility and changing my focus of my life I live
happily. Not perfectly but but with a comfort and peace
I never understood before. It is a hard journey, this life. Many many lessons to learn, absorb and activate
into our lives.
Good luck to those who leave. Your decision has merit.
Equally so to those who stay. Again a personal choice.
This has been an emotional and teary day for me because I still have moments where I miss my alcoholic husband. Naturally I don’t miss the chaos and pain but I miss the fun times. No man ever made me laugh like he did. And I hurt for the broken dreams. I’m 61 and this was my third marriage. There will be no more. I never wanted to grow old alone and when we met 6 years ago and fell in love and made plans for our retirement and travel I was so happy. I wonder to myself on days like this, “How did this happen?” “Why didn’t I acknowledge all the red flags before we married?” “Why couldn’t this have worked out?”… I know that the answer lies in my own self. I settled, overlooked, excused and believed when I would have been better off by waiting, accepting reality and walking away before I quit my job, moved away and lost so much money and allowed such craziness in my life. I left him and will not go back because thank God I now see & accept the truth. My tears are for what could have been because it truly didn’t have to be this way. In so many ways he was my soul mate and we shared a strong faith in God. I’m praying he sells our house, for strength and courage to find a job again, find a home and rebuild my life. I know that the Lord hears my prayers and that He is there to guide me if I look to Him for love, purpose and peace. Some days are really good in that area. Some days just hurt and this is one. Lord, hear the prayer of my heart that I grow in strength and courage and learn to rely on You for all I need. Thank you friends on this site for hearing me out. You’re all in my prayers for healing and strength to do the right thing for yourselves.
I would have loved to have stayed with my alcoholic, but after 5 years of slow deterioration of my physical health, brought on by the mental strain of living with the fall out of alcoholism, I had to admit that I am one of those people who isn’t strong enough to stay in the relationship. It will take some time to un-do and repair the damage to my physical self, but the emotional healing was well underway by the time I actually moved out. Financially, staying with my alcoholic would have meant destitution. He lost his job more than a year ago because he felt entitled to a holiday. He worked in a business that only observed the major 5. I work in a business that observes federally recognized holidays as well. To him, that just wasn’t fair, so after I had a Monday holiday, he took Tuesday – and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. He was surprised when he got fired on Monday. Then he was content to live on his unemployment rather than look for work. Blessedly, I had refused to marry him after he insisted I had to change my name. By the time he decided it really wasn’t so important to him, I’d lived through enough of his alcoholic episodes, over and above the nightly drunk, that I knew marriage to him was the last thing I wanted. I kept my house when I moved in with him, so I had a place to go to when I left. While he was unemployed, I refused to make his house payment or pay any bills other than utilities and groceries. He blew through any extra money he came into, drinking it away, and by the time I left, he had stopped making mortgage payments. Staying with him would have pulled me into a whirlpool of financial disaster, which, along with the alcoholism, was beyond my strength to endure. I am also almost 60, so I have to be realistic about my retirement options. Being with him was costly, but I was able to avoid bankruptcy and keep my house, and I can recover enough to live very modestly when I am finally able to retire in 15 years. Hopefully it won’t take that long to reach that goal, but at least I have a plan. Had I stayed with him I know that even a modest retirement wouldn’t have been possible. I wasn’t strong enough to continue to attempt to live with an alcoholic, and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice myself trying. Yes, I miss him at times, but not very often. And when I do, I immediately remind myself of my list. Before I made the final decision to leave, I made a list of all the good times we had and all the bad times. It was a very lopsided list, and the decision to leave was much easier. Remaining in the alcoholic relationship, for me, wasn’t an option.
thank you all for your comments. I have not made a real decision whether to break totally from the alcoholic in my life but i have made the decision that my home is for me and me only and i do stay with him at his home. had call today from custody stating that they have him there and will look after him until he sobers up, this happens numerous times. i am at up north visiting my mum and i guess his home is totally uninhabitable again. i told officer i would be back thursday, but not sure whether i want to, i want to see him but will not be able to live in his foul home and i am not going to tidy up his mess, i just have no strength left for this anymore, have done the same thing hundreds of time, he has been in custody numerous times, hospitals numerous times, its pathetic, especially when like is said and we all know there is a remedy the 12 steps in AA, which he sometimes attends, very frequently, can count on my digits how many times over the last 10 years. In previous years i would worry be concerned and run immediately to his side, cry, beg etc but i am now not rushing not overly concerned as i have learned, the hard way, that it was all in vain and i have wasted my years of life doing so. He had absolutely no appreciation of any thing i have done, if i had spent the amount of energy on another non alcoholic wow i cant even imagine what life i could of had. I still do hope there is a future for me with or without him, if i am honest with myself it will probably be without him, i cannot see my future any other way, which makes me sad but honest and i must start to be honest now not any later, with much help from my God. love to all x
@Sally,
If you wouldn’t mind, could you share with me what physical deterioration you have/are going through? I have several physical issues with chronic back pain and my left hip causing me pain. I’ve wondered if these pains of mine have been brought on by all the mental & emotional stress/abuse of my alcoholic husband. I’m 41 years old but feel like 60. 🙁 I do hand my hands FULL with raising 5 kids. My body gets very little down time.
Hey, I think we have two Karens, so I will ad the s yo myself.
Sally,
Thank you for sharing with me. I will make a list and it will be lopsided just like yours. There’s emotional healing that still needs to happen for me but I’m way ahead of where I was 3 years ago when the reality of my situation with him dawned on me. I sure wish I would have had the foresight to have kept my home but prayerfully he will sell our house soon so I can move out of my sister’s house and begin again. I know that things will not always be this way and look forward to a life that is productive and balanced. Thanks again for writing!
Sally:
You are strong to leave. In your case it takes strength to leave when part of you still wants to be there. But as you pointed out, it was lopsided and not too hard to decide which way to go.
To stay you need to be strong too, but not stupid about it. You’d only stay if there was near equal meansures of the good and the bad and you were trying to work your way through the bad to make it go away. Like through setting boundaries and then sticking to the boundaries and that sort of thing.
In your case, you were right and strong to walk away and back to the life you came from. Smart move. Sounds like he was going no where good and taking you with him.
Others could follow your lead about writing down a list with the good things and the bad things and then analyse it from an honest and totally open perspective to come up with good reasoning one way or another. Do I stay because it is equalish with good and bad and I can fix some of the not so good stuff. Or is it so unbalanced that I need to walk away. Anyone looking at this list can see it is totally bad and wrong for me to stay. No one should be here putting up with this and it is unfixable it is so far gone. Now I need to look at ways of moving out and away and saving myself/my kids if you have any involved in the home front.
Good luck with your move and change Sally.
hi all, i have spent last 3 days with my mum and kids, and had a lovely time together. Had no abusive calls, was nice, although had call from police advising me that he had been arrested for drunk disorder again and was taken by police to hospital. Next day was called by my alcoholic to say he had been discharged from hospital and please could I come down to him. I did say I would go down on thursday to give him support, oh God. I will keep all suggestions in mind and use them. All my family do not want me to go back down there. Will need lots of strength but if it is too much for me all I need to do is get back on the train home. bye for now.
Well, Melina, it is your choice and your life. Obciously
you are not well. There are plenty of web sights that would
appreciate your remarks. Hopefully. you will find hope
from this one to think differently.
James thank you for the kianna video, only just watched it and will watch it again. I am with my partner at his at present, have been here since wednesday. No drinking at present. He is again determined to stay sober which is all good. Going back to mine on friday, he wants to come with me for few days????? In two minds about this as I have promised myself that this would not happen again. I will be visiting my children so will be leaving him in my flat alone?????? This is already causing me stress. He wants to come with me as he says it will help him to stay safe and keep sober which makes me feel responsible and guilty if I was to say no to his coming with me. If he was to drink should he not come with me it will be my fault as far as he is concerned. I feel so much pressure and stress with this simple dilemma! My brother also is an alcoholic and am at present having much emotional grief with his own plight and the breakup of his 30 year relationship which has come to an end. I can only take so much of this and feel absolutely shattered.
I am reading my Courage to Change daily.
Karen, you absolutely are NOT responsible for whether or not your SO stays sober. He does not get to blame you for his drinking, and if he drinks while you’re gone, that’s his choice. Keep your promise to yourself. You have the choice to go without him and enjoy your time with your family or not. You are the one who has made the choice to feel responsible for him and to feel distraught about your brother’s problems. Truth is, you’re not responsible and you’re not helping them by being their crutch. Grown men and women act like adults, own their behavior and the consequences. Own your behavior and your choices and leave them to own theirs. If you’re feeling absolutely shattered, you’re not able to even take care of yourself, and you certainly don’t have any energy to give to either your SO or your brother. Take care of yourself so you’ll be better able to deal with what’s going on in your life. There won’t be any parades or medals for sacrificing yourself for their benefit, and neither of the drunks in your life will thank you. Down off the cross, dear, and do what you have to for your health and sanity. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Karen,
I say be open and honest with your alcoholic. Tell him how you feel, the sort of pressure he has placed you under and that you don’t feel comfortable about leaving him alone in your place. And hey, that’s how he was going to be anyway in his place if he wasn’t going to your place. Honesty is the best policy even if he doesn’t like what you have to say or how you feel about it all. That’s what it has all come to hasn’t it because of his alcoholism. It’s not your fault it is this way. Don’t feel guilty or responsible for it but on the other hand you must ask yourself how can you be a good friend and supportive without the guilts on you or the apprehension. Only you can find the solution.
Hope this has helped in some way Karen. Best of luck.
hi sally and caitlyn,
I have been honest with my alcoholic about how I feel with him alone at mine. He says he wants to come to mine for 4-5 days only as he has started new medication and that it would give him a chance to continue on this safely, away from the scum of his own place, which he has caused in his drinking. Yes, this is true caitlyn his continuous drinking has caused all of this and it is now this way. I am constantly thinking how to be supportive without the pressure, been thinking like this for few days now which in itself is causing pressure, can’t win can I : D
Thankyou both so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. Will stay in touch.
With love
hi sally and caitlyn, update, just had call from my daughter, she has asked me if it is ok for her and her friend to stay over at mine this saturday as they are going out together for the night, meal and dancing. They wont be back until late, so this has put a spanner in the works, as NO WAY can my alcoholic be at mine if my daughter is there. At moment my alcoholic is out and I am now worrying that when I tell him this, he will probably think I am lying. Oh the joys of being with an alcoholic!!!!! What I will probably say to support him is that he could possibly come up to me on the Monday for a few days and see what he says to that! Anyway thats it for now, I am trying to keep it simple.
karen, detatching is very hard to do. The first time I
acted lovingly but most determined to keep my husband
from destroying what was left of me. I had to actually
force my self to make myself react calmly, sweetly that
No, is No and that will not work for me.
I nearly humped out of ny own skin when i realized what I
had done, I didn’t need an excuse I just sweetly said No.
Then came the guilty card from him directed at me and again
calmly, I stated, for your information I no longer do guilt. Surprised the heck out of him and me too. Not
knowing what to do after his eyes got big and his mouth dropped he went to the garage. So be it,
(thanks J.C.) You have to begin somewhere for your sanity
sake. This stuff works if we stop feeling guilty and we
start taking even mini steps toward sanity. Good Luck
healing will be hard but worth every ounce of peace it
brings. He loves his alcohol and anybody who will put up
with it comes second. I am building a new life, one
I enjoy. He is still around but our relationship is
changing.
I am the older Karen who changed to Karens so it may lessen
the confusion in our conversation. Good Luck
Karens,
You’ve done great! Keep up the good work and just know that you’ve inspired me! We are worth fighting for. We are worth learning new ways to think, speak and act. If we look to God for strength He will provide. And in the future when we fail, we just get back up and begin where we left off. Great work!
Taking a new step this evening. Made a call to a local shelter and will be attending my first domestic abuse support group, this shelter offers. Haven’t moved out of the home yet. That’ll be another HUGE traumatic life change for my kids and I. NOT looking forward to making that decision.
I keep praying to God for strength and courage, strength & courage.
I just hurt so much that alcohol can do this to my beautiful family. :*(
Dear Teresa,
You are in my prayers. I’m asking God to give you His peace and strength as you make this step in protecting yourself and your precious children. You can do this even if you feel afraid or fearful or uncertain. Courage is ‘doing what needs to be done’ in spite of fear. Seek Him even if it is moment by moment. He promises to be found if we seek Him. Remember that things will not always be this way. You will not always hurt this way. Take one single day at a time. Speak out words of gratitude and that will clear out the negative thoughts. We have much to be grateful for even in the midst of a hurtful situation. I’m thankful that you have a shelter to go to and the support group and this group. ***An attitude of love and gratitude changes us & makes life worth living.*** Peace and love going out to you.
Karens,
You last post got me reflecting. Thanks.
It was mid-Jan. of 2011, after my husband was verbally mean to me in front of my daughter, that I got the courage to tell him that it’s just not right to talk to me that way, and that there are 2 ladies in this house, and that he has to go to AA and it’s not optional. I vividly remember the huge amount of courage it took for me to say that. I had knots in my stomach all the next day as I prepared to tell him after work. I guess it was a blessing that I didn’t have the words at the very moment he was mean to me…I now know to never confront them when alcohol is in their system.
Well, I shocked the heck out of him and myself.
He had never seen me stand up for what’s right in this household before.
Now we are over a year later. He dabbled in AA for 5-6 glorious weeks in the summer, but rejected it.
At the end of May I told him to get to a counselor or get out. Again it was in response to an episode of verbal abuse when alcohol was in his system. Shocked him again. And again it was a blessing that the words came to me later. I told him the next morning.
Well, a week and half ago he moved out.
Apparently I keep my word…Albeit slowly.
Sheila
To Sheila,
Wow! A great post showing strength and resolve! I’ve moved away from my alcoholic husband after he refused to quit drinking and tearing me apart with his words and anger. I’ve been gone for 9 months now and am getting stronger. I applaud your actions and determination to keep your word. Blessings to you!
We can change, developing the resolve to do so is admirable.
Good luck and Gods love to all.
Thank you ladies for all of these posts. I am just reading and absorbing it all. I am amazed at your strength and courage to move on with your lives rather than suffer indefinitely with living in a toxic abusive situation. I am gaining a lot of strength and courage that if you ladies can do it then I can do it too if the time comes for me to leave. You are all amazing and an inspiration to me!
@Teresa, I know you don’t look forward to making the decision to leave, but once you make a decision, you’ll wonder what you were so afraid of. Ask yourself what you’re really afraid of, and be brutally honest with the answer. Whatever it is, I promise you it’s not half the boogyman you’ve built it up in your mind to be. Yes, leaving will mean a change, but it doesn’t have to be traumatic unless you let it be. No, the circumstances won’t last long. That’s the way life is, it’s always changing, and so should we.
@Chloe, the hardest part is getting past the fear – and that’s really all courage is. Reading your comment about having the courage to move on rather than suffer gave me a good laugh – at myself. What sane person would prefer suffering to freedom? After I left the drunk in my life, I woke up for days wondering how I could have been so stupid as to put up with being treated like that for a minute. Sorry, ladies, I call him a drunk because I’m sick of the word “alcoholic” – the drunk has a disease called alcoholism. Call it what you will, he’s still a spiteful, mean, self-centered, selfish drunk.
Ladies, stay strong, remember that you are guiltless of anything, and keep moving forward to a life without a drunk in it. You’ll never know a sweeter sleep.
PTL!!! PTL!!! PTL!!! My prayers are being answered! My DH has agreed to move out ASAP!!! Hopefully he’ll find a room to rent today. Filings will happen in the near future.
Karens, thankyou for your help. I am going home tomorrow. My alcoholic has on thursday now received notice of possession from court has to get out of his rented property by 20th March, went to housing with him today and cab. Have done what I can to support him but must go home tomorrow. he says he needs my support at this delicate time but I do have to go home. I have always been there for him in the past on numerous evictions to help him get into another place but just cannot be here for him this time. I will support him as best I can over the phone but cannot be with him due to other family reasons. I do feel bad about this but must do what I have to do. I am sure that he will cope with the moving to another place on his own this time, I hope he will. He has told me he is feeling totally distressed at me going home and is pulling at my heartstrings but I really dont have a choice this time. It is very hard. I must try not to worry about him, goodness sake he is a grown man. My worry will only keep me sick but cannot slice myself in two.
God protect us all and keep us safe
Karen, you have nailed it – he is a grown man and he’ll deal with this. He has until the 20th. It’s not like he doesn’t have time to find a solution to HIS problem. You sound so much stronger and sure of yourself than you did just a week ago! You are absolutely right – you cannot slice yourself in two. Making yourself sick would put you in a position of not being able to take care of your responsibilities to yourself and your family. He’ll have to do like the rest of us and face his fears down, or he can do what he’s always done. Either way, good for you that you’re taking care of you and yours first. My prayers are with you.