Infidelity By An Unfaithful Alcoholic

Sad WomanWhen we are involved in a codependant relationship with an alcoholic it can be devastating when we discover that there are signs that they may be being unfaithful. Signs of infidelity come in many different forms. Irregardless of what indicators are present, most alcoholics are already being unfaithful because they are more in love with the bottle than their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend.

There are a few things that you can do to help you cope with an alcoholic husband or wife that may be cheating on you.

Giving Them Ultimatums:

You can tell them that you are not going to tolerate their behavior if they do not terminate their involvement with the other person. Here’s the thing though, you had better be prepared to stick to your threat. There’s nothing more defeating than not following through with the things you have threatened to do. I don’t think it’s a good idea to use the word divorce either unless you are certain that that is what you are going to do. Threatening to divorce is just a tactic to try and control the addicts behaviors.

I would be certain that I had a plan of action in place before confronting an alcoholic in this way. I would need to have plenty of money to last and also be certain of where I would be living. If you are married to an alcoholic it would be a good idea to seek legal council from an attorney. If you have young children that are living at home be aware that the mother seems to have the most favor in these cases. Courts always consider what is in the best interest of the children.

worried manThere is no reason that you should tolerate unacceptable behavior; infidelity certainly falls into this catagory. You can let them know that what they are not doing is not acceptable. You can do this by writing them a letter or by telling them to their face. I’d suggest that you try to inform them in a nice way though. In other words: “say what you mean-but don’t say it mean.” Some ideas are discussed in this video: Communicating With An Alcoholic. You will also find helpful tips here: Unacceptable Behavior Of Alcoholics.

The one thing that is not going to accomplish much is fighting and arguing with the problem drinker. This will only upset you. The chance of anything productive resulting from an argument is not very likely.

It seems that there are only two choices you have: one is to stay with them, the other is to separate. This is totally your decision. What I have to share is my opinion and should NOT be taken as advice.

If I were to stay with an alcoholic husband/wife who was being unfaithful, it would be strictly based upon their demonstration to repent and change. The word repent means to turn away from. They would have to end the affair, quit drinking and agree to go to marriage counseling. I personally wouldn’t open the door to my heart and let them back into my life until they demonstrated these changes over an extended period of time.

One of the things you should be aware of is that addicts of all sorts say things they think we want to hear. These are empty promises we hear from an alcoholic that will crush our world if we allow them to. Keeping a watchful eye for this type of communication can help protect you from buying into the deceitful lies of the problem drinker. Although you may have little control over this situation, you do have control over the choices that you make. There is no reason for you to accept unacceptable behavior from an alcoholic.

Tough DecisionsOnly you can decide what is best for your life. Coping with an unfaithful alcoholic can be best handled when we are surrounded by people who understand. The only place to find friends like this is by getting involved in alcoholism support group meetings. There you will find others who have the wisdom you need in order to deal with someone who is cheating on you. Believe it or not, you are not the only one faced with infidelity by an alcoholic.

The Al-anon Family Group has helped millions of people through the years learn how to cope with dysfunctional relationships. This is a worldwide organization specifically designed to help friends and family members who are dealing with alcoholism. In the fellowship there is healing that takes place in people who have been effected by being involved in relationships with alcoholics.

One of the things that I have heard a thousands times over in Al-anon is the meeting closing. Here is a small excerpt:

“A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long:
Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them
too. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to
realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no
unhappiness too great to be lessened.”

I can testify that this statement is true. It doesn’t matter if you are dealing with an unfaithful lover or a child who is suffering from the disease of alcoholism, if you stick with Al-anon, you will discover that there is no unhappiness so intense that it cannot be reduced.

There is a better way of living life rather than always being focused on an alcoholic who is being unfaithful to the vows of marriage or commitment to any relationship. I know it seems like your world is falling apart right now, trust me I know the pain all too well. There is hope for your situation. Although your friend, husband, wife or relative may not stop the dysfunctional behaviors, you can start the process of change today.

59 comments to Infidelity By An Unfaithful Alcoholic

  • Ross

    i liked this article. How long would one be able to expect to wait,
    after spouses sobriety since their mind has been affected,before
    attending marriage counseling?

  • Tracy

    Do most alcoholic commit adultery? e.g a full affair or texting/phoning for the ego boost that most of them need.

    Can anyone PLEASE shed some light on this, I am separated from my AH after I found he had been phoning/texting another woman, he keeps saying he didn’t have a affair but won’t say who the number belongs too that he phoned/texed for 18 months, and the number was disconnected when I confronted him, he did this once before 8 years ago.

  • Debbi

    My no ex-A constantly accused me in the worst ways of cheating and turns out it was him. I guessed at it when women would come up to him & hug him and give me the evil look. A girl on our bowling team asked me what his relationship was with me and on & on. 5 days before I was to have a major surgery I found escort charges on his credit card. Now so many things have come to light–affairs, sex addiction, porn addiction, picking up prostitutes, swingers clubs, massage pallors, gambling and of course the regular nightly drinking. That was my line in the sand & I filed for divorce in process lost my health insurance. I am so devastated because I am not a young woman and I cannot compete with 20 year old escorts & he even used phone s*x chat lines.

    I still cannot wrap my head around all this & him threatening me with divorce every time I got sick which I would lose my insurance. And now the ultimate for me—facing possible breast caner alone with no family & no insurance. I am being forced to give up everything.

    My heart goes out to you–I know the drinking and emotional abuse was bad enough but infidelity was my last straw. I now feel so alone and dealing with things I should not have to deal with–This Wednesday I have to take a taxi to my surgery. Everyone has bailed on me because of his lies about me not one of our mutual friends or even my friends has even called to see if I’m alive.

    Do what you have to protect yourself & first thing is get tested for STD’s. I hope your outcome is better than mine.

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    Thanks for you’re reply.

    I am not with him we separated 5 months ago, he denies he had a affair even though I got the phone bill and he’d been texting/phoning her for 18 months. I don’t know if it was a full sexual affair I don’t care the damage was done, he did the same 8 years ago. I now think she is welcome to him because she doesn’t know what she is getting. I have good days and bad but tonight I am good, I am just back from a open AA meeting and that certainly answered a lot of questions on his infidelity and his behaviour.

    I am so sorry to hear about you’re health problems and you have no support at hand. I live in UK so we don’t need health insurance and I am lucky I live very close to family and friend.

    What about Al-Anon can you not meet someone from there that can give you some support? Wishing you the best of luck Debbi and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you. Tracy

  • Ross

    Debbi , so sorry that you’re going through that.I bet there are support groups that can fill in the blanks for support.

    Tracy I found out about a couple of times(that I concluded)that my husband had cheated when he’d been relapsed.Other than that, I dont know or if he ever did while in sobriety.I know had some good traits during that time.I’ve heard they can go hand in hand, but have also heard regular peoples opinions..

  • Debbi

    Ross: nice to see you back–thank you for your concern & hope things are getting better for you.

    Tracy: Thanks for your concern. . .Al Anon was only 6 older women that want to gossip so it was a waste of time for me. I do better surrounding myself with things that completely take my mind off what he did to me & the problems I now face. Are you feeling better about your separation? Or did the facts of possible infidelity come out recently? I so want my chance to confront my ex A with all I know now. Hope you got your chance. Stay strong-things can only improve for you now.

  • Tracy

    Ross: Thanks for you’re reply, I attended a aa meeting and a woman alcoholic said to me that a lot of the men alcoholics commit adultery, doesn’t matter if they are alcoholics or not that’s a NO NO for most women. The A puts you through enough without infidelity as well!

    Debbi: That’s a shame about AlAnon, I hope you get the support from someone that you need. Some days I feel great other days not so good he doesn’t care about the damage he caused he lives in a fantasy world. He is seeing our son now twice in nearly 6 months he see’s him for 2 hours on a wednesday doesn’t see him at weekends as he is drinking all weekend and ill Monday/Tuesday. I told him on 28th December when he left me at a party I was done with the drinking and everything that comes with it I found out about the calls/texes on 15th January 2013 he denies a affair. He phoned and texed for 18 months you know what Debbi tonight I do not care she is welcome to him as I know what she is getting! He was at my son’s football tonight I think he thought I was going to speak to him I just sat in my car and ignored him, then when I got home I started getting stupid texes, actually wish he was dead tonight would be better for everyone. You are wasting you’re time confronting them as they just lie all the time. Thanks Tracy

  • Debbi

    You are probably right about confronting him but I saw him now go to a counselor and he would never do that for me so I can only assume that he’s doing that for the one he is with now–I feel so cheated. I never even got an admission of his guilt or an apology for that matter. Instead he took away my healthcare & today is D-Day. The doctor will do a needle biopsy to determine if cancer and if so how far it has spread. I have lost all faith in a God that watched this happen, led me away from this man to what–Death. People don’t want to be around people like me–death scares them so everyone bailed and I actually overhead his sister hoping that maybe I would turn into the Incredible Hulk with all the radiation I got or at the very least get a better personality. People even laughed at me over the last 3 years as I was faced with one diagnosis after another that looked like my end was near–joke’s on them, I’m still here but my gut is telling me this time I won’t dodge that bullet so I am selling off everything as fast as I can & trying not to leave a legacy of debt and trying to find homes for 2 cats and one older horse but it looks like no go & next week I will call the vet to put them all down–I guess God doesn’t even care about the animals if it means more punishment to me. I am actually truly hoping for a bad diagnosis and see an end to the awful 55 years I’ve had on this planet.

  • Bill

    The thing I worry about is sexually transmitted diseases (STD). The alcoholic I used to be with went on a trip for a week with a bunch of wild party friends. She was already telling me that she didn’t want to be married anymore when she went. She came back form the trip and we were intimate once more before we broke up…At the time, I never even thought about the possibility of her being unfaithful while she was out of town. Now that I reflect back, I’m almost certain she would have.

    It’s been several years since we’ve separated…I’ve never been tested for STD or been intimate with anyone since being with her.

  • Ross

    Debbi, I had to post again and say I’m sorry for all the hard times that you are going through.I can relate to feeling upset with God.I had felt that way around 2006.I felt like I couldn’t help it.After all the good that I tried to do for family and marriage. All the prayers, earnestly seeking Gods help.He didn’t do what I thought He should, the way I wanted Him to. It took me till lately , chipping away at recovery for myself to start seeing things differently. That He actually was working in my life, because I see myself progressing in some areas of my life that I couldn’t do on my own.
    I can’t imagine how hard these particular situations have been on you.But as you’d said,the jokes on them!
    I believe there is a reason that you’re still here. You must be overwhelmed .I am finding, one day at a time, one moment at a time has become a way of life a lot of times over this past year and a half.I haven’t had my hard times erased, as I would have liked, but God has walked me through.Even though my faith has been greatly challenged, as my ideas about God and how ‘I’ think He is supposed to work in my life is gradually changing.That is His doing too.I am too weak, but that doesn’t matter, He still is gradually getting me to a place where I can see a more realistic picture of Him. He does HIS part and I do mine.He understands that sometimes(a lot of times) I don’t know what to do.But I’ll find out that it’s doing the next right thing.To try to acknowledge/enjoy the small things.I have a very, very, long way to go.I’ll get there when I get there, because I can only control myself and I know my mental state.It’s God that has brought me progress.Not perfection..My heart goes out to you! Sounds like you need some healthier friends.There are people who do care about you out there.I do!

    Bill… part of my recovery is taking care of me.It’s hard for me to do.Sometimes I get it right and do that. When I found out about my husband,I went and got myself tested!(we’re not together now)It was my own self being insecure of what the doctors might think, etc..But what matters is what “I” think of me! Yes,I needed to have used protection and I did! But….the question remained and I likely had been exposed when I didn’t use protection.Like talking of getting together and he wasn’t seeing her….I had my head up my butt in wishful thinking…Anyway.I very briefly took my exam and quickly mentioned I wanted to be checked for STD’S as my spouse hasn’t been honest about some things.The Doc. seemed to know to not add to any embarrassment.It was ok.Its just the responsible thing to do.And I was proud of myself for doing it and taking care of me.Everything turned out ok.It put my mind to rest!

  • Debbi

    You are so kind & I enjoy your words so much, I wish you only knew. But dr’s visit not good yesterday & surgery on the horizon so I have to move fast. So yet again I am left feeling forgotten.

    Please, Please get tested ASAP–part of my health issue stems to a simple STD called the HPV (Human Papalova Virus) which caused my cervical cancer in 2000 which I now know he gave to me and I was unaware of his escapades. Don’t take any chances and in my case we have a County Health Department that will do it for free if you’d rather not go to your doctor. Place a call with your county’s health department–I’ll bet you can get it done there–they get federal money. Because of my exA also doing illegal drugs & you know what my county offered me free vacinations for some things like Hepatitis. So, please go ASAP.

  • Ross

    ((((((HUGS))))))))Debbi. You are not forgotten. You’ve been hurt and have been through a lot.I see some healthy things in your post. You hang in there! You’ve made progress .Give yourself some credit.You could still be in a grief process with your husband. You do have feelings .But you will come through that stage and find peace and confidence. Its a stage.I’d suggest having distance(or set some boundaries) from those
    who try to pull you down.You deserve better.One pattern I noticed throughout my life, is that the expectations that I had of some people, they weren’t able to give.When they couldn’t/wouldn’t, my esteem took a hit.BUT there were others that were kind, respectful to me.But in my mind they were minimized because I wanted things from a particular person(s) and wasn’t getting it.Now I step back and try not to focus on someone who isn’t meeting my needs and see and appreciate that yes, there are people out there who do care and why have I minimized them in my mind?They are the real deal and they help me! I have made friends on the internet who have encouraged me a given me great advice.I would have gone crazy w/o them because they were the ones who were there for me when I could not get out of the house and feeling so low.These may be people that I may never meet. But they are real people and they took the time to help me along.I am grateful.Do you have a situation like that? I am validating those things in my life which are there for me and not focusing as much on those things that I don’t have.But they are important TO ME. And I have to watch that fault finding voice in my head that minimizes the good things that I have in my life.Not comparing them to other things that I thought I wanted but don’t have.Hope this makes sense and is helpful..

  • Ross

    I just read this today.Hope its ok to share. It spoke to me…

    Letting go to save our lives

    I crouched in the doorway of the airplane next to my skydiving coach. I held on to the doorway with my right hand for balance. With my left hand, I firmly grasped my coach’s gripper, a padded piece of cloth on his jumpsuit.

    It was up to me to give the count. “Ready, set. . .” I heard a snicker. “Get out of the plane,” someone hollered. “Go!” I released my grip on the door, closed my eyes, and dived headfirst into the air with my left hand firmly attached to my jump master’s gripper. I was falling stable and holding on with both hands. He nodded, giving me my cue to let go.

    I shook my head no. He looked confused, then nodded again. I shook my head again, clinging more tightly.

    It was almost time to pull. I released my grips. I just let go. It was time to save my own life. My coach backed away.

    I signaled and then pulled my ripcord. My parachute made that sweet whooshing sound, the one I had come to identify as the sound it makes when it opens correctly and fills with air, slowing my fall into a float.

    Wow! I thought. This is really fun!

    Sometimes we’re so scared, all we can think to do is hang on. Hanging on in this case was a silly illusion. We were both falling through the air. Holding on to a relationship that’s not working, a negative self-image, a job that isn’t working, moments and times that have passed, or emotions such as fear and hurt can be silly illusion, too.

    To save our own lives, sometimes we have to let go first.

    God, show me what I need to let go of, and when it’s time to do that.

  • Debbi

    Great story–thank you. But I am still in the grieving process and now have “clammed up” with everyone like you except for websites and a couple family members. I can see no one helped or wanted to be involved when all my mess was going on and only had help for the ex–sad but true, everyone rallied around the one who caused all the destruction so I guess that’s where I feel forgotten. But thank you & thanks to everyone for listening. It is the best feeling in the world not only when someone listens but when that someone has been through the same things, they listen with empathy as everyone here & Ross does. Thanks for all the help.

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, I wish I could help you.

    I think we wives/husbands/partners of Alcoholics live a lot in the past we go over the same time and time again and find it hard to let go. We want to understand WHY we were treated so bad by people that we loved and gave everything too. We can’t change the past it’s done and gone what we have to do is take things that were good from it and let go of the bad stuff or we will go insane.
    It is VERY difficult I know as I am trying to do this.

    Why did my alcoholic have a bit on the side for 18 months and is still denying it and being really nasty to me? who cares he did it and I have to except that he did and move on, because if I don’t my AH is still controlling my life and we split in December 2012.

    We all have to remember we are dealing with people drunk or sober that are INSANE. I do beleive that they don’t know why they do things or they just don’t care, so why spend any of our precious time trying to work out someone who only cares about themselves and were their next drink is coming from?

    Today my AH let my son down he has seen him twice in 6 months but phoned a 14yr old to ask if he minded if he went out with his mates as he’s had this organised for months what does that say about my AH he is only interested in himself and drink! bearing in mind he’s been out with his mates for 32 years. Selfish to the core. I thought about texting him as I was so angry but I didn’t because he wanted abused from me and sorry no way am I playing into the AH games.

    It is so hard to change you’re way of thinking but we have too or they WIN.


  • Debbi

    Thanks Tracy:
    Yes you are absolutely right & we have to change our way of thinking. I would like just once in my life to see that other people see him for what I now do. He has made me out to be the crazy one & I’m having so much bad luck right now he’s got me believing I’m evil as he told me. I guess I just want my name validated and hear that he does the same thing to this one he is with & others so people will stop calling me crazy. I literally broke down into tears at the dr’s office on Wednesday trying to explain to him the predicament I’m currently in with no insurance and his response was “you need a psychiatrist”. Gee thanks. I told him “no I need a body guard & someone to help me right now instead of it being the other way around all the time.” I’m just having another one of those bad months but unfortunately I haven’t seen any good ones or even been able to get my peace back. Sorry to be so down–sometimes it just gets to me how the one who drank and ruined relationships gets rewarded with new ones while I have been spending two years in surgeries & treatments & I guess I can’t blame everyone for running from me–who would want to put up with my mess right now.

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    You are probably at the lowest point of you’re life and I pray that you do find peace because it will come. Please believe me you are not evil you are a good woman you gave your heart and soul to a man who was not worthy of it.

    I can’t compare my life to what you have been through but we all go through similar experiences when involved with AH, my attitude today is I really don’t care what people think about me and you should be the same. Walk a mile in my (Debbi’s) shoes before your judge me that’s what to say when they judge you.. The AH mask will fall at some stage you know the truth and so does the lord and that is all you need to focus on. The AH will always bad mouth you because you walked away from him and they don’t like that they are the one’s that want to call the shots, they also need someone to blame and in you’re ex’s eyes you are to blame, who cares what he thinks he’s INSANE.

    I am in good spirits today I went to another meeting last night and I met a lot of really nice people all going through the same thing, a woman has been going for 32 years and she has turned her life around so I am looking at that it can be done, its all about loving and respecting yourself and I know that is difficult when you have been abused for years by a AH.

    My AH is telling everyone that he left me with a house, cars, money etc NO he left me with a mortgage I can’t afford a car I bought by myself and NO money and also a visa bill. I am at the stage in my life that I need to be happy with myself I think I looked to my AH to make me happy and that’s impossible because they are so unhappy. I would rather be sitting in my home this fine Saturday morning feeling good than where my husband is he will be ill from his drinking cocaine taking all day bender yesterday, but he chooses this way to live and I am not responsible for another person’s choices only my own.


  • Debbi

    Tracy–You are so sweet and kind. I needed to be reminded I am a good person for I surely would not have cheated on him, said so many awful things to him, nor would I have started divorce proceedings if he was facing a major illness and I carried the health insurance. Thank you for reminding me.

    I normally don’t care anymore what him and his family are saying about me, it is other’s words that bother me–like when even my own few friends tell me “he’s moved on, what’s your problem” or “you just have to let it go”. I think they keep forgetting or don’t know the devastation the A’s abuse causes us and in my case they keep forgetting about my medical problems piling up along with the medical bills and the bills he left behind. Where I live status is a big issue and people around here look down on people like me who don’t make a lot of money or don’t have a lot of “clout” and then when you add all my bad luck–boy they all have something to say about me. Things that have been done to me are getting around not just where I work but throughout the whole industry in this county and instead of sympathy believe it or not I have actually had people say to me “well I wouldn’t stick around either if my wife was sick–who needs that?”. I have even had my employers after 16 years of me working here question me as to whether I am a liability risk to have me working here because of my health battle–yet I am always the one on time, always the one they ask to help out–I feel like they turned on me but they dropped it & did not pursue it when they saw there was no change in my work ethics or performance. They are not so nice here so I’m hoping as soon as I can find homes for a couple of animals and get my health back on track I’ll be leaving soon–hopefully a nice little town where no one knows my history and where they treat people with better respect.

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    I don’t think anyone knows unless they are or have been in a alcoholic relationship or marriage. I was mentally abused for 25 years as are all of us in these dysfunctional relationships. It would be great to just move on as people tell me too, if it was so easy we would move on as would you, we as wives are addicted to to addict and I truly believe I am, what normal person would grieve for a man that has abused them for 25 years? A person that has to get well herself.

    I think you should move when you feel ready, too many bad memories where you live just now, look for a new job too when everything is okay with your health. Like I was saying earlier I live in the past too, wanting to know why he did this to me and my family, I will never get the answers, all I know is in the last 6 months he has went down hill rapid, he works 2 out of 5 days he used to have a successful building business and guess what he doesn’t have me in his life to take care of the business and lie to clients why he hasn’t done the work. I also have a 19 year old who hates me and blames me for everything bad in her life and yes this upsets me considering I was the only one who was there for my kids there whole life, but she is a adult and has to learn the hard way, she is a pawn in her father’s game to make me look bad and I truly don’t care now Debbi because I did the best I could to keep my family together.

    At a AA meeting a recovering alcoholic told me I am only responsible for my actions and behaviour to let my AH and daughter go and live the life they want, so I have. Its not easy but I know one day I will have the peace I want and deserve.

    Debbi don’t have people in you’re life that don’t give you the respect you are due. I wish I had loads of money I could send some to you to help you out with you’re medical bills but sorry I don’t as I am also starting over on my own at 48. Money doesn’t make you happy but it would help at the moment.

    Today I started packing up my house because if my AH signs papers I am free to move in 13 days but he was making threats on Thursday about not signing! He was to come for his son today and didn’t show I text him to ask him to phone his son and guess what no phone call well it is Saturday one of his four drinking days.


  • Debbi

    Tracy: 25 years is a long time out of your life–my marriage was just shy of 16 years, known him for 20. We do not have children together so I no longer have contact with him but just like you I still search for answers. Such a sweet offer to help me & you don’t even know me. I am now 55 and although I hate to admit it, gosh this was my 2nd marriage. First one although 10 years we separated many times during that time & he started using cocaine & he cheated on me also & just like 2nd one he gets well, stays with next one & does right by her–I always feel like I’m training them for someone else. 13 Years ago my son, now 31, walked out on me because I grounded him (curfew thing). he went to live with father and like your daughter he believes the lies his father told him & won’t contact me. I did reach out to him a year ago but nothing–but my ex A was stealing my mail so I often wonder if maybe he responded. But in these days of GPS, I’m sure he could have found where I live.

    I love my house but I am not happy in this area because of so many people knowing truths & untruths that moving is the probably the best option for me too. Why do you have to move? Where will you go?

    I’ll tell you what–maybe we can help each other to get some of our answers. . .tell me one thing/incident you would like to know why he did something. Give me specifics & maybe I can tell you. Sometimes another set of eyes helps.

  • Tracy

    Morning Debbi,

    I have read and been told that men like my husband and you’re two seek women like us out, I don’t know if it is true but I think it is. At a meeting for adult children of alcoholics (my dad was a A) everyone at the meeting got involved with drug or alcohol addicts! someone did say that we are attracted to what we know and maybe she was right.

    I love my house too but a woman can make any house a home. I will be sad to leave my family home but all this is out of my control I can’t afford the mortgage on my own, so me and my son will move on 28th June if AH signs papers, we haven’t heard from him since Thursday but it is his drinking/drug taking days, I also have to get it into my head this is not the man I married the man I married is no longer there, this man in lost in his addictions. Some days I feel so sorry for him and other days I hate him this is normal though.

    I would write to my son again, I have tried with my daughter but like you’re son she is very angry with me and we both know its the wrong parent they are angry with. That’s out of my hands too Debbi she know’s I am here if she wants me, she lives with him because there is no rules she does what she wants he gives her what she wants. It will end in disaster.

    I’v been accused of having 2 affairs which used to hurt the other day when he was being nasty I said more like I has 15 or many more as I can’t remember (I am lying) he said he was going to show the text to our daughter I just laughed and said “Enjoy x”

    The one thing I want to know is why did he mess me about? I know he loved me very much and I do believe AH do love people they are lost soles, we had a lovely home a good income actually a really nice life. He never drank in the house he went to the pub, don’t get me wrong we did have bad times when he went out and came back 2-3 weeks later that was the kind of alcoholic he was a binger, he is now drinking all the time, the cocaine goes part and parcel with alcoholics I was surprised when I found out I never thought he would be so silly but he is a addict and this is what addicts do. The lies now are out of control as is his life, he is drinking himself to death. He keeps denying he had a affair and he does not have a woman in his life oh yes he does and that is drink. Lots of AA people say is is for the ego boost but as his wife that was the final straw for me, I think he has done it throughout out 25 years, he needs to feel attractive and wanted and he does in his mind think he is 17, god love him Debbi he looks terrible but he must see something else when he looks in the mirror. I want a mirror like that.


  • Debbi

    Your question–“why did he mess me about”. I think you mean like “mess with your head with comments & such”. Hope I’m right. I’ll try to answer for you with my objective eyes:

    He knows the truth about himself. Many things they do under the influence they forget but at some point when sober they remember how they treated others–in your case & mine, we were the brunt of the attacks. So to protect himself from the terrible truth he creates a false front of superiority and puts you down to make himself feel better. He does this by saying you cheated when it probably was him (sorry you don’t want to heart that but I think he did). He mistreats you to get anger from you & then he can say–see you’re the one with the problem. I guess I’ve heard all this called “projection”.

    You show a strength I wish I had Tracy.

    Okay, here’s my question to you. In February 2012 mine went to a mediator to start divorce process & the same day starting signing up & using escort services. At the first session he now says to the mediator he wants to go to counseling & save the marriage & he knows he did things wrong & it was mid-life crisis. When I refused he started leaving love notes for me on the kitchen table. Do you think this was his own doing or did the mediator put him up to it to “buy some time” for him to put divorce on hold & wipe out savings accounts & whatnot? What is your take on this?

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    Yes I agree with you he did have affairs and I think more than two, today I honestly do not care the hassle and abuse he has given me recently and letting our son down is it for me. I just want to start a new life with my son, my daughter can live her life as she pleases too because I am sick of always putting people’s feelings before mine. The thing is Debbi the calls/texes were mostly done sober he did them drunk when he fell out with me. I thought she might have been a sex line but the number was disconnected when I found out told him and sent her a text. I am getting stronger but I still have down days I do ask the lord every day and night to give me the strength to get through the day.

    Not too sure what you’re AH was up to, remember they are INSANE drunk or sober and that came from a recovering alcoholic. They think only of themselves always. Mine wiped out our accounts too took every thing we had. They are master manipulators so he possibly lied to the mediator saying he wanted to fix things with you and possibly was buying time. I’v also read as the disease progresses they don’t get the same buzz from drink/drugs so they need ego boost (other women) for sex or to talk too to tell them they are oh so good etc.

    Try and put it behind you Debbi because he is still controlling you even though he does not know it. I doubt either the two of them give us a second thought, mine told me after 3 weeks out the relationship to get over it and move on he had, what’s the big deal? So why give him any more of you’re time, chalk it up to a bad experience, you may never get the closure you want do any of us that are involved with alcoholics.

    I know its hard and lonely but you are away from all the abuse, lies and madness, one day we will have peace, just remember this she (his new woman) is getting what you don’t want! his mask will slip you know what kind of life she will have with him, if they can’t change and get help for their wives/kids then they will change for no one.


  • Debbi

    I agree that I should not give him any thought or he is still controlling me but things keep happening since the divorce that I am positive are done by him but can’t prove it so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. These things were: breaking into online accounts, forwarding my mail, adding his name to my electric account, people calling the house for him (women & companies that should have his phone number not mine), my bank accounts being called & told I am deceased, gasoline being poured all around my shed. Last one was May of this year, I got mail under my old married name with no return address from a church 2 states away telling me I am a sinner? Funny thing though is if the person had used my first name on the envelope as well as my last name I would never have received it, the post office would have forwarded it so who ever sent it know they could only use my first initial and then my last name or I would not receive it. It is all so weird & bizarre. . .did not think that A’s can be so cunning if it affects their thinking. This kind of thing makes me think I’m crazy if I pursue it–because no proof. I would rather have my chance to confront & get my answers than to keep waiting for the next possible thing that might or might not be caused by him. I also want my name cleared and people to see what all he did to me and stop believing his lies..Someone once told me for others to see the truth first his anger must subside and then the truth will come out. I sure hope so. Thank you again for your inspiring words. You hang in there & good luck moving–hope you have a nice place to go to and a lot of help in your move.

  • Ross

    Debbi, get to your lawyer quick and find out how you can protect yourself financially.Even if he is trying to buy time, cover your own behind.People tried to tell me but I was just so blown away after my moms passing and husbands relapse right after it, and many many more crisis that year, I was 100% blown away mentally.I didn’t follow through on some advise and wish I had.Dont trust them, cover your behind.And then if they were sincere, nothing bad will come of it.
    Best of luck to you both.

  • Ross

    also Debbi, a lawyer can put a freeze on accounts where he cant drain them, if you have it done soon enough.
    My husband already drained our retirement before I found out.Luckily, I heard that he will have to pay me half of it back.

  • Debbi

    Thank you for your concern but my divorce final 8 months ago & lawyer got what she could get. What is happening now is he is just “messing with me”. Calling my retirement account anonymously and telling them I am deceased so they put the account on hold until I appear before a police officer verifying I am alive. He forwards & steals my mail. He does all these little things, mad I guess–why? I don’t know, he’s got someone new. Today’s latest: Yesterday someone stole all my hummingbird feeders. I know it was probably him. He broke into my shed and stole gasoline and poured some out around it. These things just drive me up the wall & I guess that’s why I keep saying I want the answers, none of this makes sense. But Ross, I am protected. No more mail–everything is electronic, all passwords, accounts, email accounts changed. Cell phone shut off, home phone shut off. People can only reach me at work. Horrible to have to live like this just so I don’t have to hear some woman he met in a bar looking for him or one of his escorts calling me or his credit card company calling to find out about all the “suspicious activity” on his credit card. It is so difficult to move on and recover from the grief when all these things keep happening and my rational mind tells me no way can all this stuff be happening unless someone is behind it but can’t prove it.

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    It will be him that is behind all this crap! that tells me he wants contact from you or a reaction. My AH used to do and say horrible things then admit he needed to hear from me. What I have noticed recently my AH is okay with no contact on his drinking days but the days he sees me at our sons football he phones or texes me rubbish (he needs the contact) if I ignore him or sit in my car he is on the phone as soon as I get into the house.

    Having to play the games with him today as he let my son done big time, he said to my son he forgot to phone him (lies) he’s been drinking/drugging for 3 days. My son said he sounds really depressed today. My brother-in-law spoke to him about a job my AH should be doing at his house and my AH admitted he is really ill he had a lot to drink over the weekend, another monday and he’s not been to work! that means no money for me and our son, I think he thinks I print money in my spare room.

    Counting the days Debbi until I am free of him as of 28th June I need never contact him again as my son has his own phone and his dad can call him. I have a 4 bedroom house a double garage and a large shed to empty by myself as he is not interested in helping! I don’t think he is physically capable of helping as he is very ill with drinking/drugging for 6 months without a break, very sad really.

    Hopefully you’re luck will change and you can move to a new town, funny thing is my AH lives 20 minutes from me by car and I have seen him only twice in the passing other than at our sons football. I feel awful for saying this but I am glad he is depressed and down today it will let him know what he put me through. The reason my AH is being so horrible and trying to control me is it is too final for him because he know’s when the family house goes so do I.

  • Debbi

    I keep thinking too it is my exA doing these things but so many of them could be coincidental but that is just the point even though coincidental, there are just too many of them. Like yesterday, I suppose it is possible the squirrels knocked down the feeders and my neighbor’s took off with it but since that dog has been here 13 years and never did this before. These things make me keep scratching my head & making me think I’m crazy. What I don’t get is: he can’t want contact because he knows this won’t get contact from me so I assume he’s still mad but at what, other than having to split everything (that’s the law, not my doing) he’s got everything he wants: someone else, drink whenever he wants, no one to “control him, like he told people” and on & on. I just keep searching for the why’s.

    I too have to empty my house out by myself. How are you going to do it? How far are you moving to? Do you have a way to support yourself wherever you are going? I think you need to move close to me & we can share rides! I think we wives that get left should all stick together. . .form our own safe house so to speak.

    Would love to meet you Tracy & Ross and all of you some time as you have been there for me more than anyone but listening means so much to all of us.

    And Tracy don’t feel bad that’s he’s depressed. I feel that way sometimes too but I remind myself he brought this on himself and created this series of events that caused these awful changes in so many lives. Stay strong–but you seem to be doing good!

  • Tracy


    I live in Edinburgh, Scotland I know you live in USA, I love USA we were all in Florida October 2012 a great family holiday, no signs that there was a bit on the side. It was on his terms with OW because his phone lay about with no lock on it I could answer it at anytime Weird. Maybe he took us to Florida out of guilt. Still denying he had affairs why don’t they just come clean? our marriage is over because of the OW, it eventually would have finished because of the drinking as the buggering off for 2-3 weeks at a time 3-4 times a year was getting me down.

    You are not crazy you just married a alcoholic. I have a large family we all live close by (thank god) so they will all help I have 3 big strapping nephews/son/brother and loads of cousins i’m very luck have a brilliant family. am moving to my sister’s street and 3 cousin’s stay there so plenty company. It is scary how many people are effected by someone else’s drinking!

    You are right Debbi I know he is ill but there is help out there he chooses not to seek help, I tried for 15 years to get him to seek help fell on deaf ears still does. He still sais he has no problems!!!

    I did not want to be 48 lost my daughter taking on a mortgage until i am 60 he caused all this and lost us everything but the way he is going he will loose his life, but we all have choices to make.

    I am okay most of the time but you know how it goes one minute okay next crying you’re eyes out. You take care too debbi.

  • Debbi

    Scotland! That’s great. The states are nice too, too bad you only saw Florida–let me guess–Disney? You’ll have to come back some time and see New York City and some other places. I would love to visit Scotland & Germany and a lot of European countries.

    I am glad you have a lot of family around to help. I am sure that makes a big difference. In my case none to help which I’m sure adds to my troubles right now.

    And Yes I know how that goes, good one minute and crying the next. Just keep reminding myself that my turn is coming for great things and that “Karma Train” should roll over my ex & yours soon & maybe they’ll wake up to the destruction they caused.

  • Tracy

    Hi Debbi,

    I’v been to New York, San Francisco and Las Vegas also Florida (yes disney) we all love USA.

    Good day today, was a wee bit tearful last night. He spoke to our son and text me saying he will see him more and at weekends, I doubt that very much as Friday, Sat, Sun and sometimes Monday’s are drinking/drugging he sounds terrible even our son said he sounds depressed, he told my brother-in-law he had too much to drink and was feeling really bad. He has been drinking for 6 months solid. He doesn’t care that my brother-in-law is doing things in his house fixing drains, cutting grass, emptying the garage.

    He lied last night about beds, am giving him 2 beds he hasn’t came for them yet the told my brother-in-law I said he couldn’t have the beds? why do thy lie about things like this? I can understand when they lie about drinking, suppose its the madness.

    Debbi here is my e-mail address if you ver want to talk in private

    How do you feel today?

  • Debbi

    Sent you an email so you have mine.
    You sound like a world traveler. Next time you go to NY or New Jersey, let me know. Would be great to put a face to someone who’s been so helpful & going through the same thing.

    If your A lied about the beds it’s because he can’t be bothered to come for them but makes it look like it is you refusing. He’s covering the fact he’s just too lazy to do anything. But I’m sure your brother-in-law saw through that especially since he has to help you when your soon to be ex is not helping at all.

    Today, I’m at work on break but depressed as usual. How about you?

  • Linda

    Thank-you all,
    I am totally confused by my Recoving ac behavior, its the same as when he was drinking & using. Can understand the anger when I share my feeling. Or its the Jekal & hyde. Projecting things onto me. I feel Im living as his option. So Confused, Linda

  • tiffany

    Debbi I am currently going through the same thing. I found his phone this mornjng while he was passed out. He was texting two girls and supposedly it was the best night for both of them. My mind is racing n my heart hurts…I need advice.

  • linda

    Ross marriage counseling showed him what he needs to deal with. He was fine in front of the counselor;but when we got home he was mad at me. He did what to hear it had to do with him. We couldn’t go back to that counselor. I have found if they like us to deny are feeling it makes it to real. Today when to his counselor now he’s mad at me again because I shared my feeling. The a want us to live in denial.

  • Robyn

    I have been married to a F. A. for 24 yrs but been together for 30, he is verbally abusive, drinks everday but goes to work everday and provides well for us. But he lies and lies and he does not realize that we know how much he is lying. Last valentines day I found out that he was having a affair. I told him I would work on our marriage if he quit drinking, that hasn’t happen. He took me on lots of mini vactions so we could have our time together. But what I have realized is I stop loving him years ago, I mean I am not in love with him. I read to ignore him, our adult daughter who know longer lives at home begs me to leave him all the time and out 20 yr son drinks just like his dad. And today I found porn on his computer. Our sex life has never been great but I hate having sex with a man who is always drinking. It takes way to long and I just don’t enjoy it. I want to leave. I wish he would of just left me, the other women thinks he is so great, well have him because he isn’t. I do know he will never leave me, he is way to self a man to want to part with his stuff, and I only work two days a week cutting hair so I do need his money. But I am tried of looking at him I do not get happy when I know he is coming home from work and now that I know about they affair and I am sure there has been others too he never leaves. I am so sick of him hovering around me it makes me physically sick. HELP.

  • Ross

    Hi Robin.I would suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting and go as often as you can.And eventually get a sponsor.I’m sorry that you have gone through what you have.Your story is way too much like mine.I have been married for 24 yrs..We were engaged for two on top of that.We have been separated for going on three years.I’m almost positive he cheated every time he’d relapsed off and on throughout our marriage.It was only when he relapsed in 2011 and moved out(blundered intervention,whatever)that I found he was sleeping with anything with 2 legs.And ever since.Even though he wanted to come home, I wouldnt let him because he really didnt want to quit drinking or deal with his crap.I am dealing with financial issues, but figuring things out as I go.I hesitated because of needing his income too.I am injured now and cant work and am trying to get health right and do the next right thing.I am better off by myself than living with that crap! I am in no way suggesting for you to do as I do..Al-Anon recommends waiting 6 mos or more before making any serious decisions like that after beginning their program.It may turn out that that isnt what you need to do.But you will benefit from the program (that is, assuming that you havent tried Al-Anon)..
    Good luck..

  • Robyn

    Hi Ross
    I have made my decission, soon it will be our 25th wedding aniversary, and I just can’t spend another 25 yrs with him. Sure there has been some goods memories but not enough to make my stay. When I found out he cheated on me I wait weeks before I told him, because I just didn’t care. I wanted him to leave. But he can get so abusive that I do get afraid of him. I am still in my forties I know I can have a better life. My husband was my first love they only man I have ever been with but now I find myself looking to see who else is out there. I know I deserve better then what I fell in love with. And yes he is a sick man but it is his illness not mine.

  • Ross

    I’m truly sorry for the heartache that you’ve been through.I know all too well. I am 44 yrs. old and no retirement, thanks to him spending it.But I am going to look at what i can do and can enjoy because too much focus had been on all the negative things that happen in an alcoholic home. I also had to learn (still learning) that there was something going on inside of me to live w/ so much unacceptable things for so long.There are things inside me that I didnt want to look at and deal with so my focus was always on others/him instead of dealing w/ my own self. I have to do that now, as I dont want to waste more time.I also would like to have a healthy relationship one day.One that can give back instead of take….
    Hang in there, hope you find a support group.And we’re here for you too!!!You are not alone..

  • Tracey

    Hi Robyn:
    I feel your pain, I know it to well myself. My best advice is to run. It is bad enough that are alcholics and liars and then cheaters that is when we really know how bloodly selfish they are. And it just doesn’t happen once I bet it has happen before and if you are like me you choose to ingore it. That maybe it would go away. But guess what it doesn’t they get caught, go on there best behaviour that they can’t live up too, make all kinds of broken promises and our dysfunctional cycle starts all over again. Except the second round is worse. Much worse. Leave take him for whatever you can get and leave, I did that I am so much happier now, I am being selfish and I am happy.

  • Tracey


    One more thing, most alcholics are addicted to porn, the same chemical in their brain that makes them alcholics also controls there response to porn, we get to deal with a double whammy. Unless you like porn and knowing that your spouse would rather have a long shower a couple of times a day, then any real intamacy, that is your life. If your afraid to leave because you will be replace quickly, trust me they can’t do it. It means having to focus on something other them themselves and they only focus on booze and porn. Good Luck I hope you get out.

  • Susan

    What people don’t understand that even after 25 yrs of marriage it is healthy to get divorced. We are all different people then we where years ago, and second marriages are so much better then the first, I know I did it. No more booze in my house, a very healthy sex life and my kids are so much happier now that we are apart. Life is better the second time around for sure.

  • Tayna


    You are right I just hope I get the courage to leave my husband. I can’t handle his roller coaster ride of emtions any more.

  • Linda

    I believe in their heads they think emotional affairs are with other women are wright…….Its only a affair if they have sex……
    They are just too smug n smart. I,m feeling so sick of this …..working on leaving again……for good…

  • My drinking Bfriend left to go back to his son and ex wife.. They are so bizarre I had to forgive them and they have 3 girls but you would never know it .. I am in a program and proud of it I am tuffing out illness and working on myself
    I am an Alanon member I hope one day I can share my testimony of surviving the years I have with drinking parents and Bfriends and addicted family members .I am lucky to be alive and feel the freedom and un attached and responsibility only to my self right now
    My higher power is a mixture of God Jesus and Goddess and my Ancestry
    I am Native… I am working on myself and loving myself back to mental health its the red road of recovery for me
    Tanya leave the guy and get some strength from a group who loves you or a person in Alanon get into a group …I didn’t think it would work but this program really kicks ass its alot of fun to get into your higher power and feel forgiveness and loved also get your power back we are women not door mats I love you guys thanks for listening

  • carlie

    I have been reading all of these comments. I was married in 1990 and was divorced a couple years now from my husband who did the divorce behind my back and lied to say I was not around which I was. He has always been a drinker, drinks straight jack from the bottle, and cheats. He said he felt bad about the divorce and said he didnt want to be responsible for my sallie may loan from four years of college and that is why he divorced me? ANYWAY so long story short…he and I are still living in the same house, and he says nothing has changed because of the divorce,,duh…and he still drinks, and tries to cheat. I have been in this home for 13 years with him and really only work pt time online and have health issues. I however do not have sex with him now for a year and recently found out he attempted to cheat so im sticking to my decision. but we are in a very strange situation and im very bitter towards him and also still hurt for everything he has pulled on me, we also have two children together whom are both older now.lately however it seems a change needs to be done. if he doesnt get help im giving up completely

  • Linda

    When I choose to do something that I enjoy he get mad….if I happy he get mad……what do they want?

  • Amy

    You as miserable as he is and CONTROL ..alcoholics are all about control.

  • SC

    I agree with Amy. What he is saying to you is really how he feels about his self. The relationship you have with other people is the same relationship you have with yourself (I,m talking in 3rd party). Pray and ask God to help you leave him.

    The stories with alcoholics are always the same. I was reading an interview/ article about Kurt Sutter ( creator of
    Sons of Anarchy). He is a recovering alcoholic of 20 years, goes to AA and he admits he still has a problem with anger. He said that if he hadn’t learned to apologize he wouldn’t have any friends. They are damage from the get-go and will always struggle
    With their damaged self.

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