Super Nice Guy Turns Out To Be An Alcoholic
Guest Post
I’ve placed a few comments at the end of this article with some links to other articles that will help us understand what is beginning to happen in this relationship with a super nice guy who appears to be an alcoholic.
My story begins 12 months ago. Curiously we didn’t meet anywhere near an alcoholic meeting point such as a club, bar or pub. Anyway, 12 months ago I met this super nice guy and we hit it off straight away. Lots of things in common and similar ideals and principals. Of those things we differed on, we complemented each other, balancing each other out, nicely.We’ll call him Neil. Neil was the perfect conversationalist, perfect gentleman and appeared caring and considerate and very attentive to my needs as well as taking what he needed from a relationship. It was easy to see why someone like me might fall head over heels so swiftly after a very lengthy alone period. I’m talking years, and this due to a bad, really bad break of the heart by my last man.I didn’t notice at first what would become apparent later as the months progressed.
Afterall, I was dead keen on learning all I could about this super guy Neil. Not that he bragged about anything, far from it he was quiet and unassuming. I felt he’d suffered from a bad break up too and was somewhat traumatised by it. I thought, not only will he fix me and make me feel totally loved and wanted, but I could fix him up too in the process of loving him once I got to the bottom of what his woe was. Wow, never contemplated for a minute it was going to be alcohol that was causing his life trauma; not a relationship breakup.
Neil was everything I could ever want in a guy and love hit me so fast and furiously I never had the time to assess the overall package with him. I assumed he was going to be perfect for me in every way. And he was. For a while at least. Either he covered up his problem with alcohol and his associated mood swings or I was blinded by my love for this man.
Neil was not your typical ‘alcoholic type’ if there is such a thing. He is very intelligent with a well paid although at times demanding and stressful job. He dresses corporately with a suit and tie, grooms himself well, showers often like twice a day, he keeps his possessions -car and house – neat, tidy and very clean. Far from the world’s expression of what an alcoholic would be like. In my mind an alcoholic would be out of work, down on his luck, badly dressed, badly groomed and smelt of alcohol and body odour. Totally wrong. I’ve since discovered that indeed an alcoholic can be the absolute opposite of the movie world’s classic drunk character.
Neil began to relax a little more in my company as the months moved on together. It was then after a few ‘episodes’ that I slowly opened my eyes and realised him for what he truly was. His mood swings are related not to a traumatic past but due to him trying to master control over his alcohol consumption. He is at his nastiest when he’s been without for a few days as he attempts to break the alcohol consumption cycle. I’m not talking the wife-bashing kind of nasty, but I am talking verbal and physcological partner abuse. It’s hard to take as I stand and observe his behaviour. I have worked out the behaviour is induced by the alcohol. It has been very draining on our relationship. On me. I’m reaching the point where I’m asking myself do I want this behaviour for the rest of my life. He has asked me to marry him. I can’t say yes and I can’t bring myself to say no because I love Neil. I love Neil when he’s not sloshed to the eyeballs in his fave alcohol poison red wine. The classic drunk’s cheap fix. Neil buys it by the four litre cask and downs it in two sittings or less.
It’s bad, very bad. What do I do? Continue with this guy who other than his drink obsession is real fun to be around and hang out with, or do I do it on my own again, possibly to the end of time? I’m tired of being alone, but I’m scared of getting caught up forever with a long-term drunk. Which is what he is from time to time – at least two, usually three times a week. He blames and excuses himself for his behavior and addiction, saying it’s his job, his family stress him, I stress him and the only way he can cope is to hit the bottle for some relief. It’s his escape from reality, but it is my nightmare.
So where do I go from here. I’m at the cross-road after 12 months. I do, really really really like and love this super nice guy, but certainly not the drink, the drinking and what he becomes when he’s on it, or when he’s off it because he becomes nastily unbearable. I don’t like the fact that we can’t go out together where alcohol presents itself in the situation because he has no control after that first gulping quick drink. It is followed by another, then another, then another in quick succession. It limits my social life with him because for us it means we both as a partnership team shouldn’t drink full stop. And I like to drink socially with my friends.
I feel like a hypocrite because I like to drink socially but now have to resort to sneaking a glass here and there when out socially so that he doesn’t start on one drink too, which then leads to one of his drinking binges. I’m not sure if this is the worst part or the best because Neil recognises he has a problem with alcohol, he tries for a few days to go without, or turns to less alcoholic content drink like beer, he turns nasty because he’s on a downward slide; he turns to drink then all is well again for a short while. It’s a vicious circle. I wish I had an answer apart from getting Neil to go cold turkey, it doesn’t work for long before he’s on the drink treadmill again.
Is there an answer? Is the condition livable for the partnership in the long term? Do you want to start on a lifetime commitment to someone who has this problem? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself for the last two to three months. To date I have not come up with a definitive answer. Would the experts even have a solution to my dilemma for me, for us, for Neil and I to survive long term healthily and happily. Why does the phrase ‘life wasn’t meant to be easy’ keep pulsing through my head?
Thanks for sending in your story. It sounds as though you are experiencing alcoholic relationship issues already. One of the things that so cunningly happens is that “we” start obsessing over the alcoholic. They are addicted to drinking and we become addicted to them, usually without even realizing what is happening. While they are chasing the bottle-we are chasing after them. Sadly, many friends and family members of addicts find themselves with their own addiction, the addiction of focusing on an alcoholic all of the time. It sounds like your super nice guy is starting to consume your thought life with worry and you are already trying to control his alcoholism.
I am in exactly the same situation as you, and for the same amount of time, D as i will call my alcoholic bf is amazing, funny, smart, attentive everything you mentioned. but I ponder if i want a life of being with a jekyll and hyde.
My sympathies and prayers are with you.
Thank you for posting your story as it sounds so hauntingly familiar. I too, became involved with a nice-guy alcoholic. Do yourself a favor and get involved with your local alanon group…they have helped me tremendously in over coming the roller coaster ride that I had put myself on while staying in a relationship that had become tragically sad. I became obsessed with the alcoholic in my life and found that the more I put into the relationship the more his alcoholism was eating away at my life and my happiness. I also have learned that until this man came to hit his “bottom” or realization to get himself some help, unfortunately the grand mistress alcohol would win over every time. It is a baffling disease and it ruins lives left untreated to both the active alcoholic and the lives that the alcoholic touches. I am no longer with this person and altough it hasnt been an easy ride, I must say that my sanity is being restored in a better understanding of the dynamics of alcoholism. Best of luck to you as I know exactly the emotional turmoil you are suffering….but there is hope through seeking help for yourself within the alanon community and websites such as these.
Been here done this, but I went all the way and married my perfect alcoholic . . then he turned verbally abusive and now encroaching on physical abuse, nothing more than shoving so far . . but . . now I’m stuck in a home with a man I love and hate not knowing what to do because I have no means to get out . . my elderly mother lives with us . . I feel caged and very disappointed in myself. He’s trying to cut back and does the same thing; drinks beer for a few days, gets cranky, starts jonesing for the hard stuff, then binges one night and all hell breaks loose – I’m attending online Al-Anon meetings because my husband is very jealous and controling and won’t let me go out . . I’m reading daily . . big thing-don’t argue with an alcoholic . . only makes matters worse, and yes easier said than done . . good luck to us both . .God is with us, just have to trust in that . .
As an outsider I see how emotions are making it hard for you to realize that you need to RUN fast. Let him go. And be grateful you figured it out early!
Now if I could only take my own advice.
get while the getting good, his lover is the alcohol, make no mistake about it. I feel for you.
I think you said it all with your questions at the end of this post. Do you really want a life like this? I know you love him but it could take years to get sober if he ever does. It’s a very difficult life that most people find too difficult to find happiness.
I only wish I had attended Al-anon before I married the man that I thought was just “perfect” for me. 5 weeks after our marriage (both in our 50’s) he collapsed in the bathroom one evening. I thought he had a stroke or heart attack and called the squad. A few hours later in the ER the Dr. came in and said there was no stroke or heart problem however he was very intoxicated and he admitted to the dr. he drank 12 beers in about 4 hours. I learned that some alcoholics do not show the signs of drunkenness. This man didn’t. His verbal and emotional abuse after our marriage was brutal and always unexpected and unprovoked. He is very devout in his religion, bright, held a responsible job until he retired, was wonderfully conversational and we laughed a lot but the abuse, alcoholism, & lying overshadows and destroys everything eventually. After 3 years of my being in denial about his behavior I left and began legal proceedings. I’m thankful to be living in peace now as I try to put my life back together. To all of you I send my prayers and support.
I think your Gut Instincts are talking to you. I know it’s hard to leave but if you don’t you will not have the chance to meet someone that is not a troubled soul. Their is way more to it than what meets the eye. Look up Alcoholism and Marriage to get an idea of what could be your life. The nice guy may just be passive/aggressive.
I feel for you.
I was in the same situation for four years. Perfect gentleman, smart, outgoing, great cook, clean cut. I was probably in denial now that I look back because there were early red flags that I ignored because I just wanted to believe he was as wonderful as u needed him to be at that vulnerable time in my life. I had been married to an alcoholic for 18 years and was all too aware of the signs and symptoms of alcoholism. It took me 4 years of questioning myself, going on medication, low self esteem, anger, and depression before I found Alanon and started to realize I couldn’t change him or the way he acted but I did have a choice as to weather I stayed. I left him and it hasn’t been easy but my whole mind and mood started to improve almost immediately. I did learn to listen to my gut from now on. I also learned all that glitters is not gold and alcohol can tarnish and tear apart a person and if your too close you can go down with the ship. I’ve lost a marriage, a brother-in-law, and a good part of my own life to this disease but the best is yet to come. I will never be with an active alcoholic again
Thank you to all for the feedback. I am taking each day as it comes, one by one and treading lightly with my eyes wide open. Am glad our proposed marriage is another 12 months away. Gives me another 12 months to think things through thoroughly. I’m kind of thinking if I can ignore the binge drinking sessions and associated misbehaviour and let him know I will walk away until he is reasonable and/or sober so long as there is no violence to anyone in my family unit, I will stay with him and continue loving him but not the drinking. Am seeking support from sites like this to keep our relationship strong, good and loving and pray that he will decide for himself that the bottle isn’t the answer to living. I have a back up plan should we finally marry, and combine households. I have an escape route and can be tough enough to walk away if anything deteriorates. Am willing to love and accept him as he is now. He must improve if he can, but never deteriorate or I will walk away. I feel we have been bought together for a reason for both of us. In twelve months, who knows? We might not tie the knot if I’m not liking what I see for us and our future together.
For now, I love the man and it was only when I realised what an issue he had with alcohol several months in when my blinkers came off that I have now come to terms with the notion that if I love him, I will have to accept his drinking habit, but don’t have to put up with misbehaviour. I have learnt alot of strategies and broadened my thinking regarding alcohol and alcoholics from this site. Thanks heaps for the daily inspiration and information found here. Very helpful. I think in love you will find the answer to your own individual circumstance. Act lovingly and non-conditionally but be strong enough to walk away and put it all down to a life experience. God bless your relationship and you.
Sandy,
Reading between your words and your situation, get the balance back in your relationship. Don’t allow your husband to rule the roost. You’ll have to work out for yourself how to achieve this. Tell him lovingly, that he has no reason to get jealous if you go out for a bit of you time wherever that might be. Alanon meetings or just a knitting club. Reinforce he has his time with his bottle, that’s his choice and you choose XXX whatever that time and activity might be.
Work on getting yourself independent and work on a plan for yourself and your mother. No one should ever feel trapped or as you put it, ‘caged’. Again, you’ll have to work out how to get yourself independent from him and his bottle. Get a job if you don’t have one. Don’t let him or anyone dissuade you.
On your side, sending my thoughts and suggestions with love your way. May you be guided by god and his helpers to find your path to peace and happiness.
That sounds just like my husband – groomed, great job, suit and tie, nice guy all round but the reality for me was that all this time he had a drink problem which unravelled all our lives eventually. He could never keep a job – but of course to him that was bad luck, nothing to do with drink. His finances became a mess, he of course drank more to deal with all of this. He resorted to stealing from me to fund his habit jewellery, cash, daughter’s pocket and Xmas present money etc. He rose to stealing the rent money behind my back now we are facing homelessness. He got very adept at lying to cover his tracks but the lies eventually got too small for the bigger problems he was now falling in to. Eventually, I had enough and for mine and little girl’s sanity and safety threw him out. The suit and tie have long since disappeared he is pretty much like any homeless man on the street wearing donated clothing with a few bits of his own clothing from a past life that he has yet to pawn. He visits still on some weekends often stinking of alcohol but swearing blind he has not had a drink for months. He begs constantly to be allowed to move back in with us as claims to have changed but with the grace of God through Jesus Christ I am able to see through his attempts to deceive and manipulate. Please take care and may God give you wisdom in all you do.
Run, I did not realize my husband of 25 years was an alcoholic. He drank but held a good job, was responsible,
everybody loves him but. He introduced me to his wifes family, telling me it was his. A wonderful close family.
Lie, lie, lie. Now his disease has progressed to the point
of almost having cancer of the mouth. Needed a right hip
replacement due to alcohol. Lots of dead bone tissue because the circulation to the bone was more alcohol than
blood. The left hip is failing. He is bleeding from the
rectum, diagnosed with alcohol related development of the years. Why I closed my eyes to all of this? I do not know.
He kisses all the women and they are reacting to it as disgusting. Humiliates me in a degrading manner at home
and in public. His mouth is always in override. Cruel and
embarassing.
I have my 95 year old father living with us and I try
to hide as much as I can from him. He does not want to go into a nursing home and is in good health for 95. My mother is in a nursing home with alzheimers, she is 88.
Well, guess what? I am 68, high blood pressure and over weight. The Christian life promotes in sickness and in health. He is very, very sick and does not want to get well. He wants to die being who he is!!!
This is only part of the story. Love will not cure
all. Learn to love your self more as the only thing he
loves is where to find the next drink. Sometimes you can
be in a relationship so long that there is no way out.
Morally and financially. God be with us all.
I appreciate all the advice, comments and suggestions. All are encouraging me to turn around and run, and fast. Is there anyone out there that has conquered living and loving in a partnership with an alcoholic with success and can report on acceptance, love unconditional and long term til death us do part happiness? Is it possible?
I cannot emphasize enough how much Al-Anon meetings, people, literature, practice, etc. will help facilitate your own recovery whether Neil continues drinking or not. Check it out ASAP
Karen,
You have my sympathy for the loss of what could have been in your marriage. Sadly the dark and destructive path was chosen by our husbands. We will never know why the alcoholics choose to continue their lifestyle which causes indescribable pain to themselves and those who love them.
I am also a Christian who struggled with leaving my marriage. It was pointed out to me by my priest that our “marriage” was based on lies and abuse. The vows made before God and man, if made by two people with integrity and truth certainly are binding, however, when one person makes a decision based on the other person’s lies and misrepresentation then the covenant of marriage is invalidated by their actions, their duplicity. They presented us and God with a bogus agreement/marriage and broke the covenant. It is never wrong to protect oneself from an abuser. Although I forgive my husband I will not go back for more abuse, lies and drinking. Praying that we choose to live in God’s peace.
Thankyou Diana, I will consider what you wrote. It was heart warming. Again thankyou.
Catlin, for myself I find my love for my husband changing
into avoidance. Finding ways to smile and fix dinner and
if he is in a bad mood ,going to bed early dodging his cruelty. Socially, putting up a good front gets me through the evening. On the positive side, I have a roof
over my head, warmth from the fireplace and the love of
three dogs. I do not find after 25 years, love from him.
His love is the next beer and finding a way to pursue it.
Don’t wait, walk away kindly and find a sober man. We can love all we want but know that he is not doing the things that show love to you. He is already showing you that his first love is in a can or bottle. It will only get worse. You cannot fix him. Love should not be deliberately hurtful. They progress so much with this disease. Manipulating you in ways that you do not realize
until much to late. Take time to look at every embarrasing
moment and how things were twisted.
I am glad you are taking time to look at your relationship
because the next thing he will do is start pushing for marriage
right away. He does not want you to know the true person
he is before you are married. Marriage makes it so much
easier for them to drink. You will be doing the good wife
thing, driving him home from God only knows where, patiently smiling to prevent an arguement. If there are little things annoying you now just wait and be married for 25 years. As his disease escalates so does his negative, negative attitude.
This sounds like a lot of sour apples and I do not intend
to pretty up the truth. Good luck with what ever you
decide but please be careful. You will be in my prayers
Catlin, as I sincerely only want the very best for your life. Karen
I believe it us only possible if they are in “recovery” and truly working on their disease and character defects and becoming responsible for themselves and their actions. I’ve known women who have separated and their man went into AA and truly faced their demons and only then were they able to reconcile and have a loving genuine trysting relationship. This was after at least a year or more working a program. Otherwise it seems like you are the mistress because alcohol is their first live and you will always be second to “her”. It strips you of all your self-respect and self esteem after awhile and you begin to isolate from others, cover up for him, lie to yourself, and depression sets in.
They become your project and obsession and all that ends up matter g in your life is whether they are drinking, how much, with whom. You end up a shadow of them with mo real life of your own. I lived this for 20 years then another 4 with another alcoholic. I finally said no to addiction and yes to me and my happiness. It is like someone lifted a big veil off my eyes and I’m finally happy.
I was so afraid to face reality but truth is better than living a lie.
Hi girls,
All that I am reading here sounds so fimiliar. My boyfriend and his 13 year old son have just moved in with me after dating him for 2 years. I knew he was an alcoholic going into the relationship, I thought that moving in together would motivate him to work towards a more positive life and get away from his so called “friends”. I guess you could say I thought I could “fix him” and save his son-(Who’s mom has also lost custody because of drugabuse) For the most part he has a job and can stay sober long enough to show up. But then, on his days off, its a different story.He did stay away from his friends for a while, now I see they are slowly slithering their way back in, he is now off for 6 weeks due to surgery. I am hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I find that now I have to be more of the caregiver to his son and to him. But, then again, I knew in my heart that it would be this way. I just had hope that things would change. Now, I feel so responsible for his son’s happiness and security. I could never leave. So many different emotions I experience in a day from happiness to anger and resentment that it drains me. I try to look after myself first. Easier said than done. I also have 2 grown up children of my own. Sometimes I feel like I am holding out on visiting them or letting them come over because I dont know what the day will bring. Writing all this down and reading it over, I see that there are alot of bad times I am dealing with. However, I guess love, hope and optimism is getting me through each rough patch. I remind my boyfriend how much I love him everyday. As each new event that the alcohol presents, I find I am getting a harder personality. Not such a softy. I have to. I don’t want this disease to win. I’ll do whatever it takes to fight for the one I love. Leaving is not an option for me at this time. I have a great support network of family and friends that I talk to all the time. They never get sick of the stories I tell them and are always there to listen. If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone and there are no alanon groups available or you can’t get to one, use this site to let out your frustrations and get advice, learn how to love the alcoholic without feeling like a doormat, this site has definitely eased alot of my feelings of guilt, anger and anxiety. Every day is a new start! Stay strong for your sake and your loved one. Rise above the emotional verbal abuse its just the disease talking. Don’t make it happy by reacting to it. Fight it with love! “LOVE CONQUERS ALL!”
I was in the same situation but my boyfriends drug of choice is heroin. He is the nicest person and I still love him dearly. Even when using he was not violent, rarely mean (unless you directly got in the way of him scoring more drugs) then he could get irritable. We lived together and we each have our own children he has since lost the right to see his children w/o a supervisor. Anyway, when I discovered his use I hung in..he went to detox and treatment. Came out stayed clean maybe 3 weeks…back at it. 4 detoxes later and 3 inpatient treatments 1 of which he left thru a window the first day…I left. I started thinking-What am I getting from this relationship? Are ANY of my needs being met? And the answer was no. Although I was used to it being that way that idea is sick in itself. I was getting nothing from him (love, support, trust, stability, sex) whatever your needs are ask yourself…are they being fufilled? At one time they were but is he capable of it now? Using addicts no matter what the drug are not capable of being in a relationship because they are in a relationship with the drug. You will always come second to it. I have been moved out a week, its the hardest thing I have ever done because I didn’t really want to go I had to…for myself and my daughter.
I cannot myself give advice on if it is possible to love and live with an alcholic. There are many choices and decisions that you have to make on a daily basis. One being do you trust that he will try to quit? The second one will it always be on your mind if he says that he is going to quit or you think he has , but what if he is hiding it. There are many choices that you have to make and ask yourself if you can live with. And the end choice will be “are you completely happy”. Because we should not have to be burdened with other peoples decisions. Once you become a caretaker and clean his disasters up it will eventually feel like a normal life to you. But I will guarentee this , you will not be happy.
love never fails
dear caitlyn
you are a very brave and beautiful woman.
thank you for allowing me to share with you what i have learned from my lifeexperience.
“follow your heart, your inner guidance and wisdom”. be quiet an listen. And once you change the way how you look at things and perceive them; the things you look at change.
I know about two relationships that worked pretty well until death. one of the people was a wellknown tibetan tulku.
love and goodness can conquer.
I have been with my alcoholic husband for 8 years now. I realized there was a problem 2 years into the marriage. He was/thinks he is, very good at hiding it. He’s a binge drinker which can last for months. The only thing that is making me stay in this marriage is my faith. I’ve learned to set boundries and stick to them, no matter how hard that may be at the time. When he’s been drinking I leave the room, refuse to speak to him, won’t look at him. It’s best to tell them when they are sober what you are going to do the next time they drink though, it’s ugly if they don’t know what you intend to do, and pray. Pray every day that he comes home sober, and thank God when he does. The crankieness is his body detoxing. Pray for his eyes to be opened and the denial is lifted. Pray for his emotional healing and yours to. Pray when he comes home drunk as well. Attend al-anon, make plans to do things when he is drinking. He won’t like it at first, but he’ll get the message eventually. And don’t argue with him when he’s drinking, or if he’s hung over the next day. You have to carefully pick your times to talk to him, which for me is never easy. Since I’ve been doing these things things have improved a lot between my and my husband. I’m not as angry and bitter as I was and I’ve realized there is so much emotional pain and hurt in him.
If you stay with him and do marry him, things may not change. Alcoholics are master manipulators and chronic liars. Their only thought is where the next drink is coming from. You mentioned something about being along. Living with an alcoholic is the same thing as living alone, except your home is sometimes more chaotic. You’re not married to him and it’s ok to leave him. Only you can decide the kind of life you want, one with him or one without him. Living with an alcoholic is not an easy one. Your in my prayers.
Denise,
Do you ever have the thought that perhaps you are an angel on an earth mission to assist the son. Maybe all your paths have been crossed so that the son has someone loving to help him in life. Needless to say you may somehow be able to retain the relationship with the son without all living together. Find an answer for the three of you in the stillness of your “me-time”. Read the story “Alcoholism Tears a Family Apart“, in the comments section from Caitlyn to Lisa, dated Nov 20, 2011 @ 4.22pm. My bit on finding “me-time” every day to assist you in finding your answer and path to follow. Of course, the good bible if you are a follower, never goes astray. Just open it up randomly while having the question in mind. Never fails to give solice and guidance. But “me-time” is the best way of finding the right path for you to follow.
Also, don’t hold out on your own family. Make the time spent with them at their place, your therapy time. It helps to talk it over with them. Although they may not fully understand, they will be supportive for you as you work your way through the issues to arrive at an acceptable solution for all. You, in particular. Look after yourself first. If you aren’t healthy in mind and soul, you can’t do anything healthy for anyone else. Always look after your self and soul first. Then reach out to help others.
Thirdly, read all the different sections of this site. It is brilliant. It contains alot of helpful information to assist in your personal situation. Assisted me no end! So much wisdom to be found in the words and experiences of others.
At the end of the day it is us, that is responsible for our personal happiness and we must come up with our own solution to keeping the balance in our lives and our feet firmly on the ground not riding on the wave of emotion; a rocky ride at best. Wishing you the wisdom to find your path to a fullfilling life.
thank you Caitlyn,
I continue to read stories and give advice to others in similiar situations too. It is like therapy.
Question for someone. Do alcoholics lie just about drinking or do they also lie about things that do not have anything to do with drinking?
Barbie,
It is my experience that lies begin when they get up until
you thankfully see them asleep in their chair. They will
lie about anything and swear to it. Where they are going,
who they will see, money in their pocket and anything else that makes them feel like a hero in your eyes. They
do not recognize how hurtful this is to you. You try to
close your eyes to it but too often the lies are imposed
on your friends and family. They alienate you from their
lives because the strong personality of the alcoholic clouds the true person that you are. They are very convincing. Rare is the so called friend who looks beyond
the happy go lucky man who is buying them drinks. You know
the truth about your self and do not ever let go of your own truth of who you are. This is the alcohol talking.
You will become stronger and maybe less resentful of the lies over time. I can only speak from my own experience.
I am sure there are more wifes out there who could share
their experiences. I am sure the lies have affected their
lives. You are not alone. Karen
Karen
Sums it up to a tee. There is a saying that is so very true….”if their lips are moving,they are lying.” It has been my experience where I didnt know which end was up and which end was down and then in walks the blame game as no matter how loving and understanding one can be towards the alcoholic, ultimately it is the sober person trying to understand this madness that is the one at fault and the one with the “corrosive” behavior in the alcoholic’s mind. Thank God for loving people and programs who help us out of this murky world and lift us up out of this place where it is so very easy to lose oneself by believing their lies.
Karen, EVERYTHING you said is what i have experienced with the alcoholics in my life.
This one took me a long time to wrap my mind around. Now, after 3+ years in Al-Anon I assume, if their lips are moving, they may be lying 🙂 … and I put the focus back on myself and my own recovery. This approach actually brings a fair amount of peace … it is not my job to police and confront the behaviors of someone who really suffers from a dis-ease. Detachment with love can work wonders.
In my own personal experience, alcoholics lie about everything. They live in an unrealistic world. My husband will twist the smallest thing around to make it negative and use it as a valid, in his mind, excuse to drink.
Personally, I think he lies to make himself feel better to look better to the people in his life because he can’t accept the reality of his situation. He’s the one in denial and has lost control of his life to the bottle.
The married the love of my life 5 1/2 years ago. We divorced a year ago due to his alcoholism. He was, and is the most sweet, amazing, kind soul I have ever known…when he is sober. He is kind when drunk, never raised his voice or hand to me or my kids….spoiled me rotten, but it was all part of his manipulation to keep me hooked. They prey on codependent people and they, too, are codependent. The web is exactly that…a TRAP!!! Alcohol worked it’s way into every single nook and cranny of our lives. He died once, and came back. He is 37 right now. 3 rehabs, many geographicals (AA term), and hundreds of thousands of dollars later, I realized (only a year ago this month), that I would rather let him go and see him LIVE, than to bear the hurt of watching him die. I still miss and love him. He just got his first serious girlfriend a week ago and that hurts like HELL right now. He is alive and well, but not sober. He is still on his active journey with his disease and although he has dramatically improved (out of necessity since he was jobless, broke, and jumping from house to house for awhile after I kicked him out), he is completely fooling himself into thinking he is ready for someone else just because he has a job, his own place, and a dog. He is still lost to it. Drinks at least 8-12 beers a night after work, goes out several nights a week drinking, and will eventually fall back suddenly into the hard stuff that killed him and cost him 3 days in ICU with a doctor telling me to leave or I’d be burying him soon.
I think the obsession with the A is the worst part. Even if you do the morally right thing for him and yourself (which is actually the HARDER thing I have found in every case), it will never be easy. Neither choice is. But, if you do leave, eventually if he does get sober you will be on his amends list and he will thank you for being a part of what caused him to get sober. (I have gratefully heard those words myself, and they were the sweetest I could ever hear…let’s hope I hear them again…sooner rather than later).
If you leave, you will miss him, especially all the nice things. I can’t promise you anything but the truth. However, YOU (and only you can really take care of YOU…it’s your JOB!) will feel better in the long run, have a better life, and you just might give him a fighting chance to get better too. Staying rarely helps. It actually ends more often in an early funeral. If you don’t believe me, google all the ways an A can die of his disease. I had never had a clue until I survived the experience. Mine had peripheral neuropathy, seizures, and they can literally go downhill quickly. There are something like 7 or 8 types of cancer they can get (not just liver disease) just from drinking. None of those types have the word “alcohol” in them.
You are looking for a way to stay because you love him, but I can promise you the ending will not be good. The long term odds are stacked against you at almost 100%. That is why you see few encouraging stories on here telling you what you want to hear.
Your life can get better and you can be happy. Just not with him. You will NEVER get anything you need from him and you will get more heartache than you can ever imagine. My heart is still breaking and I am a 40 yr. old single (can’t move on from him still, but trying every single day) mother of 3 finishing my degree in Psychology and Addiction.
Just my two cents. I hope you seriously consider. I have a better chance of you taking my advice than I ever do him taking my advice. =)
followup email tag…so i can see replies.
I thought I would share the good side of my A so you can see I understand how the good can keep you hooked: He cooked (amazing chef), cleaned, helped with the kids without ever being asked. Always kept a drink (water, Dr. Pepper, etc) full in front of me, danced with me throughout our marriage, wrote me poems, sang me songs, talked late into the night, always added to our “song” list throughout our marriage, brought me flowers all the time, cards, wrote me letters, bragged about me to others, encouraged me in everything I did (I went back to college because he thought I’d be a great counselor), loved and played with my kids, traveled with me anywhere I wanted to go, always asked what I wanted to do, eat, listen to, watch on TV, played card/board games with me, was the best/most amazing lover I’ve ever had before (It was like the movies but better!), looked into my eyes, made me laugh, shared everything he felt with me, let me share everything I felt with him. He loved me absolutely unconditionally and passionately. And I loved him back (and still do) the same. And that’s just the beginning of the good things I loved about him.
He NEVER even once: hit me, threw mad fits, lost his temper uncontrollably, yelled/screamed, or any of the evil abuse associated with the disease.
Sounds amazing right??? Wrong. He also lied, lied, lied, and then lied more. Everything was a lie. I found out his first stint in rehab he had been telling both my family and his for years that I was drinking and an alcoholic, trying to convince them I was bi-polar, then borderline, and had made up more stories to support this than I could imagine. When I found out he had already been doing it for years, so there I was no way to repair with his family. They hate me without really knowing me to this day. My family and friends knew different but were afraid of losing me if they told me. He had a way about him that made them love him and like him too and they knew how much I loved him so they thought I would deny it and never believe them…then cut them off. He put my business under (after 4 1/2 highly successful years), my house was almost foreclosed and I had to sell it cheap to prevent that, almost lost my children in a custody battle because of him (they didn’t want the kids around an A, no matter how nice he was), and caused me to almost lose my sanity because I had to leave the area my kids were. While I drove 16 hours a month to get my kids and his so we could see them when we left, he sat on the couch asleep or drinking, watching TV. He didn’t work. I worked and always paid the bills. He always TALKED about his next “get rick quick” or “Baby, I’m gonna get a job, I promise….I sent out 2 resumes today!” It was the bare minimum he did to get by so I wouldn’t leave. When I finally did leave, it took him about 8 months to get it together, get a job, move back to the area to be close to his daughter, and get back on his feet. Tonight he is sitting in his comfy new apartment, alive…drinking his cold beer with his new girlfriend who he told me he is hoping will accept him for his alcoholism and stay with him and not try to change him.
He also said he still loves me and today said “It’s like that song…holding her and loving you”.
Do YOU want to invest a single more day of your life to end up disposable after helping save his life once and have him break your heart into a million pieces by looking for YOU in someone else?
I don’t want to waste another tear on him….yet, the tears still come…and I wish I had walked away a long, long, long time ago. That’s what it is like living with a “NICE” alcoholic.
All great information, all my stories.
You need to let him know he needs treatment or you will leave. Then leave. If you accept unacceptable behavior now you will not be able to negotiate this later. It is up to him to seek him. Otherwise prepare yourself for a lot of pain and regret in the long run. You will NEVER have this ability to negotiate if you formalize your partnership before he seeks help.
Good luck.
My now ex-boyfriend was the most amazing boyfriend! Surprised me with gifts, he would show up with flowers, stuff animals, left a rose and a angel snow global on the hood on my car, took me out to eat, movies, dances, concerts, everything amazing a guy can do to win a girls heart. Of course, I fell head over heels, so when he asked me the big question I said yes to being his girlfriend. When the dating staring it was still amazing. we send those cute texts, will go out more, still surprise me, on Valentine’s day he surprised me with flowers at work. Boy were they beautiful! Then one night he went out with friends he got into trouble. He ended up with a DUI and a drug charge because his friends had drugs in the car and he was responsible because he was the driver, he should of not let them in his car..but he said he did not know they had drugs. Things were going to get a bit rough, he said I had the choice and I decided to stay. He was not drinking or hanging out with those “friends” and everything was great. He was doing well with probation following curfews and then not driving. I took him to court and just was so supportive. No one stood by his side no friends and even family! I was the only person he had. He then gave me a promise ring made me go even crazy and fell more in love! He said soon that will be changed and we will be living together. I was filled with joy, the card he gave me had the word promise all over, promising me all these things. His last court date came and I asked what had happened that day (I was not able to take him that day) he told me everything went great. LIES! About 4 days later he came running to my house at night and he gave me a hug and kiss and said how much he missed me and needed that. I was like I LOVE YOU! Thanks, for surprising me you are the best! Then, the bomb came, “I do not think we should be together anymore” I asked why and everything he said was nonsense. After I tried working things out. I came to see that after the break up he would go to bars at night with friends and would not tell me, he would get blackout drunk and do drugs (cocaine), he lied about the car, he was charged with cocaine because he had to take a drug test when they stopped him and he failed. He tried blaming me for the problems in the relationship saying how I never loved him or was there for him, which was not true because I was the only person there standing next to him through these tough times. He was just drunk and saying lies. I still stood by his side and tried helping him. For having a good hurt, I got mean things said to me, disrespected me, lied to me, brought up a random girl that he said he started talking too. He is not in a stable situation and after all these months I find out that he is an alcoholic. Sadly, his love was never for me, it was for his beer. He would never love me or anyone else. Change is something hard because he says he does not need to change nor needs help. He is so bad and I can see him dying soon. He kept pushing me away, hurting me, Until I finally got the strength to say, “your lost”. I am not longer in communication with him. It breaks my hurt because I always wonder if he is okay but my health, happiness, was worth so much more. He did not want to listen and he keeps going downhill and I was not going to let him take me with him. I miss him a lot and I wish we would someday cross paths again and start all over. But I doubt that he loves alcohol and will not change. He does not love himself to make his change. It is not worth having a guy who loves will always be alcohol and who will never look at me like the way he looks at the beer bottles. One day he will regret this, he lost an amazing person and he is destroying himself. Sadly, this is what he wants though. Alcohol is his joy in life and no one can take that away from him. He is going to suffer but at least I will not suffer anymore. This is a hard choice…Prayers…
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