Alcoholic When Sober Wants Professional Treatment

JC: Thanks David for submitting your story. I wanted to let you know that alcoholics have a tendency to say they want to get sober yet may never seek professional treatment. One of the outstanding characteristics of a problem drinker is they say things that they think we want to hear.

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I am married, secretly, to a woman 22 years my junior. Now before you go off on a tangent yes she is gorgeous but arm candy has nothing to do with our relationship.

I have been best friends with her Dad for about 45 years. I have always gotten along with his daughter and we have a history of good times together with much in common. Last fall she gave me examples of the things she did as an effort to show me that she has been in love with me for years. I decided that while the attraction had been there for quite some time I had been pushing aside those feelings thinking that my thoughts were just that of a lonely old man who had no right to even think he had a chance with such a beautiful intelligent young lady.

A long story short. Her son and I got ino an altercation about a year ago so we are a little tense around each other. Her mother hates me due to this altercation with her grandson. She and I decided to marry secretly until such time as the boy is on his own – approximately two more years.

We do not live together although she does spend quite a bit of time to include several nights with me at “our” home. Additionally I am usually at her place with her family (two boys and her father) every Sunday afternoon/evening.

Since her drinking has gotten way out of hand she seems to confide in an ex husband’s brother for almost every decision she makes only occasionally consulting me. We do very few things together for fun anymore (she is usually to intoxicated or getting over being drunk) and intimacy is almost gone.

Lately she does not answer my text messages and unless I try to find out I have no idea where she is or what she is doing for days at a time. Yet there are times when she is both sober and intoxicated when she is EXTREMELY good to me.

She says she wants professional treatment and has undergone Detox two times. Yet, she has a bad habit of not following through with support so begins drinking again.

I have only been in love two times in my life, I am 60, she is my second opportunity at real love – even though I have been married numerous times.

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this as it is tearing me to pieces. Both the secrecy and the alcoholism is killing me.

David, in my experience it is vitally important to learn how to let go of an alcoholic.  You have shared a few things that indicate you may have an obsession over someone you have no control over. She is on a self destructive path and if you do not let go of the alcoholic  you will find yourself fading away into the depths of a deep and dark hole called alcoholism.  I think it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with her options for professional treatment in the event she decides to get sober.  We have free lessons on how to cope with alcoholics that can greatly help you deal with this situation.