The following story was submitted by one of our faithful participants. Her husband has spent years attempting to overcome an addiction to alcohol. This last time, as she was hoping he would achieve long term sobriety, he decided to end the marriage.
Please, please reach out to her with encouraging words in the comments are below the article.
Guest Post From: Ross
We have been married for 23 yrs and engaged two on top of that. We always were proud that we made it so far .This relapse here is something else. I lose track of how many he has had. I have posted comments before and my situations may sound familiar.
I received the divorce papers today. It is unreal. I never wanted this to happen. After all the ‘working with him’ that I’ve done, it has been as if it was all for nothing. I never thought it would come to this.
I couldn’t let him move home, because his prior actions leading up to his brief sobriety (3-4 wks, and 3 AA meetings), left me feeling like he was doing the least he could get by with to move home. I am imagining him gloating over ‘filing’. As if his reason was that he had to.
I’m not saying I ever handled everything perfectly. But I sure have tried. I needed something to work with. I needed to see a longer period of time of sobriety because the damages over his relapses were too great for me to bury my head in the sand.
I wonder if I was wrong in waiting/expecting a little while longer to see if he was for real? I was just so burned out. I know this is hurting my teenager and 23 yr old daughter.
I am taking things one day at a time. It’s all I could do for over a year. I wanted all these problems to go away. I wanted the sweet guy that I thought he was to prevail and help save our marriage. I cant believe I’m gong to be divorced.
JC:Thanks Ross, I was struck with sorrow the moment I read your story. I know this pain all to well. I have healed and you will too. I was told by a very wise lady: “God knows the end before the beginning.” I was told by another wise friend: “be prepared, the alcoholic will replace you, probably pretty fast because that’s just what they do.” Her words came to fruition within two months after we separated. An older gentleman, who I esteem highly said: “hire a good attorney and let them take care of things; don’t worry about it.” Someone else said: “your divorced needs to be handled like a business deal, leave your emotions out of it.” Ross, please heed to the wise words I have shared with you. I promise you they will strengthen you during this difficult time. Finally, another friend shared with me that we never know what the future holds, it’s possible that remarriage to this same man could be in the plan of things.
Because Ross, this is the way they are! If you do not accept his alcoholism, he will find someone who will (if only temporarily). It is also to make you jealous and feel forced to be with him or loose him–this is their game. It happened to me too and others with addicts. It’s his retalliation for you rejecting him saying, “see someone else wants me and accepts me”. Don’t worry, the same thing will evolve with this woman! Have no doubt. My X contiues to try to get me to go back with him and accept it, He’s not ready to quit and I don’t want that life anymore. Over a year ago he did the same to me but got with a fatal attraction! Still hasn’t learned the lesson!!
Pez, How did you do this
Hi Pez, you hit the nail on the head with your comment, so that brings this situation back to us, as partners of alcoholics. How accepting are we4 of them as human beings, to see the the person behind the alcoholic.I know this is a difficult challenge for some of us, but it is an opportunity for us to grow as individuals ,when we are tested in this way,as long as we are safe and come to no harm and cause no harm.
I can accept my husband , that he is an alcoholic, but his disease doesnt care about the damage it
causes the family.It also is like he gets a pass on things that are unacceptable.I told my husband in the past, that,when he’s active he makes alot of bad financial and moral choices and they usually come back to bite me.I saw no way to flex anymore,it was obvious he needed to finally deal.
Dear Ross: When he fist went with another woman it was devistating! She put him in jail for harrassment and now he is in the court system and is still drinking on the ankle bracelett! He has made the situation worse and he may remain in the system for a long time cause he can’t or is unwilling to quit. It’s sad. He want’s me back but nothing has changed him. I came to the realization I was in denial! Hoping for things to change cause “I saw the person behind the alcohol” that gave me a false hope. It’s a game to keep you there. You must come out of denial, they won’t change unless they want to. You can’t save them or influance them–nothing you do matters to a drunk in comparison with there addiction–nothing! JC’s ebook on enabling really helped me stand firm. Plus, I still have love for him but I don’t like what alcohol has made him a lyer, user, mean, etc….I am not like this and I want someone who is kind and loving like me and thinks of how they effect others. The alcohoic mentally I find is just appauling! Plus I have a great support system in my friends and family who constantly tell me I deserve better. It finally stuck! I do! It’s a process Ross and a painful one! But someday you may be able to help someone who is involved with an alcoholic. God allowed this for me. One Girl new about my X and got slightly involved with one. I explained it all to her and she cut off the relationship and saved herself. Thank God for using me to save her from the pain!
Pez & Ross:
You are both so very right in your thinking. . .and when Pez says ” It’s his retalliation for you rejecting him saying, “see someone else wants me and accepts me”.” I believe that’s what Ross’s A is doing to her & what mine did to me. It doesn’t help to hear that & hard to accept because they have hurt us to the core in a place no woman wishes to have done to her–betrayal is the worst of all. We somehow learn to ignore the lies, ignore the behavior, try not to accept the hurtful things they say about us, but when the betrayal comes it is devastating & maybe it’s a higher power forcing us to accept the final reality that this is not going to work out. Someone once told me something that has stuck in my mind these last 3 years: “Some cheaters are alcoholics but all alcoholics cheat on their significant other sooner or later.”
I wish I had the one thing Pez is getting & hearing her ex A tell her he wants to come back–realizing his mistakes with her. In some way Pez that must help your self esteem and help you move forward quicker than Ross & I seem to be able to. That is my one wish to someday hear that to validate finally in my head that I DID NOT cause this!
Hi Ross, I understand your problems dealing with his
alcohol problems but, something you said does bother me
a great deal. I an still living with my alcoholic after
27 years. If you stay with him, the problems you have
now will only be bigger down the road. Same issues,
his manipulations,insults and torments. My ah is a dear
sweet man when sober. I love him dearly. However, one
beer to many and he changes dramatically. This part of
him is what keeps me hanging in with him. Growing up
around this kind of person will require you to have
an extreme self worth, and value system. Just about the
time I feel caring and loving for my AH he will always
drink insults until I wonder why. Are you willing to
take the risk involved for both you and your family if you stay. We love to much because that is who we are.
Accepting who the alcoholic as he is….a tough decision
you will wonder about for the rest of your life weather
he is drunk or sober. This is not true for everybody
but it is how my life has been. Good luck and God willing he will get sober.
As like karens i am with my alcoholic 33 years,with a grown up family, my total acceptance didnt happen overnight,it still takes alot of work on myself to acknowledge my self worth and self esteem and self acceptance. He is a very kind husband and father when sober, but like us all he has another dark side,due to his dis-ease. This is my choice to be where i am, i never feel i am going this alone,my higer power is besid me every moment, and in a quiet stillness, no matter what happens, it is as it is….I love my life, i am grateful for what i have and i take full responsiblity as to how i live this precious life, and Gods will be done.
This hurts when I talk about it.Because the picture I’m piecing together,is sad and hard.
He is sick, I know.He has relapsed throughout our marriage and I feel he has cheated.Well
I actually know about 4 times.I believe several more times than what i know.Love,ignorance,
seemingly impossible situations,money,hope,denial kept me there.I didn’t know how to deal with any of it.Nor how to healthily take care of me in this relationship, as it was the only one I’ve ever had.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick”,so true for me.Hope, hope hope.It has brought me down.We never could accumulate any wealth.Sure good paying jobs, but his disease kept us in a mode of trying to recover losses
from the previous damages.
This hurts to admit.Because deep in my heart I wanted him to fight for us.I’ve read where others had drawn the line and their spouses decided to get right because they didnt want to lose their marriage.I wish i was in one of those situations.I guess maybe that could have worked for me except when they get used to being allowed to get by with so much, things run out of meaning for them.I loved him,as bad as that sounds right now, as much as he’s done.I loved the guy.
what more has to be said Ross, you share your sense of pain, and i can almost feel it in my own heart for you, Ive been through much the same, engaged and married to him only , you name it affairs, spending money foolishly, his pain…whatever will be will be,keep u and your family safe ,thats paramount,but never close your heart to love,due to whats happened. you will find the inner strength to go on in your own way,whatever that maybe,and this to will pass….I wish you all the best, and God bless you,
Hi Ross, you say you accecpt him as an alcoholic but your cries say the opposite. If you accept him as an alcoholic that means all that comes with ie the lies, cheating, bad decisions, etc…This is the realization I had to come to about myself. I can not accecept these kind of behaviors because it hurts me too deeply and I am too sensitive. Others like little ross have developed the ability to bear with this and not let it effect them as much. I believe most fall in the former. Most can not bear the pain of abuse (and that’s what it is! abuse). Know thyself! I had to leave for my own good.
Hi PEZ ,you write very wise words, we are all on our own personal journey, thats what makes us all unique individuals in our own right. When we make personal choices, i think that empowers us instead of blaming others for how we are.We learn to accept the things we cannot change with inner peace, we make choices with inner courage and strength and as we grow we gain the wisdom to know the difference, of the person we need to change and what works for us ,with love,forgiveness and compassion in our hearts.
I have been brought down by this disease.I , too, cannot live with him as he would see it as a free pass
to justify his behaviors as acceptable in our marriage.I did try for 25 yrs.,only the last 7 yrs in one form or another in my recovery.It didnt stop the bad behaviors or keep him from cheating.I lost alot of esteem trying to live w/ stuff he shouldnt have brought in to our lives.
Had this been addressed earlier in our marriage and I had been in recovery,I, too may have been able to find a different path,like ross.I am glad that you are strong in your recovery ross.
Pez; I get what you’re saying.I wanted us to work so badly, but we would just be on a cycle.