JC: Amy, I’m sure you are exhausted with this situation. What are you planning on doing? The alcoholic is not going to stop making a mess of your life. If you decide to stay in this situation, the messes are actually going to get worse in every way. If you can’t participate in Al-anon, stay connected here and also get these lessons on Coping With An Alcoholic, do it NOW! Also, today, do something nice for yourself and children. Try to separate your mind, body and emotions from the alcoholic as much as you can. Get away from the insanity and enjoy life for a day. I’m sure our readers will respond to your request for encouragement in the comments section below this article.
Guest Post By: Amy
I’m at a point here, I just don’t know what to do. I came home yesterday to my boyfriend once again drunk. As I sit here, 10 in the morning, he is still passed out. He drinks a half gallon every other day. The house is a mess, brandy all over the floor.
He went so far as to call 911 last night then when the cops arrived he said I did it. The officer clearly could see he was drunk, asked him if he would like him to come back Friday to see if he couldn’t get him some help. The cop got him crying, then when he left he passed out till 12.
When he woke up, he decided it would be a good idea to come in the bedroom and haul all the bedding off of me and take it. I did get mad and yanked the whole thing back, he was so drunk he flipped on the floor and barely moved. I know I shouldn’t of… but I had just had enough at that point.
I have one child full of anger and one who is failing in School. It’s sorta hard to do homework when someone is hollering, meowing like a cat, turning the electricity on and off and waking up randomly during the night blaring the television. These kids nor I can get any sleep. This house is a disaster, there is so much alcohol on the floor you stick to it, and it can stay that way.
I am tired of cleaning his messes and being the only responsible person around here. I don’t even know how to act or what to do half the time. I second guess myself, should I do it all, should I clean this mess. I am lost there are no Al-anon meetings around here, not ONE.
I know I am as sick as he is. I would have to be to stay here and deal with this insanity over and over again. I am just completely lost today. I don’t even know what to say or how to act when he wakes up. Part of me wants to scream and holler, another part of me wants to just act as if he doesn’t even exist. I just could really use some encouraging words…something from someone today before I completely loose my mind!
You Might Also Enjoy:
How To Live With An Alcoholic Boyfriend
Ending A Relationship With An Alcoholic Boyfriend
Alcoholic Boyfriend Relapsed
Amy: Is there any way you and children can get out of there? Will a family member or friend take you in? Can you afford to stay in a motel for a few days? Because YOU & the KIDS need to get out of there It’s not a home. Just a house at this point. Your kids and you come first. Don’t forget that. You say there are no AL-ANON meetings where you live. What part of the country do you live in? Is there any way you can get the A in your life into rehab? Stay on this site. There are plenty of us that have gone through what you going through. And some of us have gone through worse things. Take care. Bruce
Amy
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. I do not have not have any children so it is hard to imagine that scenario. If there is anyplace you can go when he starts drinking just pick yourself and your children up and leave without saying a word. I have learned that when I react with anger or making a scene that my alcoholic husband uses this to make me look like the crazy one. Let him deal with the messes he makes. If it means leaving for a few days then that is even better. Do something that is fun for you and your children. I don’t know if you are not in a financial situation that you can do that. I have slept in my truck in the motel parking lot just to get away. It is far better than putting up with the abuse. Do you have friends or relative nearby that you could go visit. You can get many al-anon resources on line. Use this time to work on you and take your eyes off his problems. I have been reading a lot on shame and addition. It has helped me understand the part shame has played in why I put up with the treatment that I accept from my alcoholic.
Amy, God bless you. The man you once knew has been stolen away. Only he and God can fight for his life back. I understand how lost and crazy this is. “You” has disappeared too. No room in your mind to think about anything but him and the situation. You must get distance between yourself and this situation. You and you child have to get some form of normalcy back in your life so you can begin to think straight. I know you must be z good person and want to help him, but you can not. This is a Monster of a disease. You can’t slay it, you have to get to a safe place. You boyfriend will never get help if you continue to take care of things. He’s got to get to his bottom and make the decision for himself. I’ve been in Alanon over 3 years and I’m just getting My Self back. It’s a process. Please protect yourself and your child and get out to a safe place where people can love on you and is safe. One thing about this disease is the shame that goes along with it. It I’d not a reflection on you, although its hard to believe, and you have to tell people what is going on and that you need them.
Amy, detach as much as you can. I agree with Bruce and JC, it’s time for you to care for yourself and children for a while. You have to learn the proper ways of detaching from your boyfriend, this site has loads of information about how to do that…Just use the search box in the sidebar and enter the word “detach.” Do you have a church that you can attend? Perhaps, there are other organizations in your community that can help you. I’d try looking into the Salvation Army.
Amy I am sorry to hear of the insanity you and your lovely little ones are going through. There is a story of a frog being put in a pot of water and left to boil and it stays in it, then another frog gets put into a pot of boiling water and jumps out instantly. I too felt like the frog who just stayed and now my husband is dying and I have been through hell. Some ways like you, cleaning up vomit, urine,taking him to the hospital from accidents and broken bones. My daughter is now in college, but she saw and helped with more than any innocent little angel should have to. There may seem like no answer, but you will find one. Can you reach out to a family member or friend or even a shelter. I know it is hard to have to face and tell the truth to someone and the fear is horrid, but the truth is you have nothing to hide and have done nothing to be ashamed of. Asking for help will give you peace, strength, love and support which we all deserve. Your kids need you to help them and you need to help yourself, this cord that connects us to the alcoholic is strong and sometimes we just want to hide, but the pain builds and the situatuon gets sicker. He may reach out for help one day and I pray he does, but if the situation stays the same for him, why does he need to. Your safety and your childrens is in your hands, Gods and an angels right now and I pray you will find that will help you. Reach out be strong and remember you do not have to be embarassed to share, you have been too nice and it is a shame that your love is not being taken in by someone who is not an alcoholic. He will most likely be just the same when you leave they usually do okay for some reason without us even we think they can’t. Maybe he will be able to see himself better when things have changed a bit. Reach out and hold your head up high. It is how we learn to find ourselves and treat ourselves like we should be, with love. I do not know where you live, but I wish I could open my doors to you and your kids. Shelters are very wonderful, I have worked with them for years and it is like a big huge family with lots of shoulders to lean on. They also have the ability to help get you up and out on your own again. It is scarey I know, but it is more scarey living in 24 hour fear, which usually get worse instead of better and your kids need to see you be the mom you are without trying to hind the fear in you. May the love of a kind one come into yourlife and hold you head up and give a loving hand during this crushing and all consuming time of pain. Look in the phone book for women shelter, there are 24 hour hot-lines for Al Anon, AA all these people will talk to you. May you and you childen be blessed with peace and safety and may he find it too one day. You can reach out and save yourself and your kids, he cannot. Love to you and big hugs and prayers for an angel to help you all. Hold you head up and keep you eyes open to what you need and what will come your way it will work out for you be ready to recieve what you deserve love and peace with no shame. Love Laura
Amy, I agree with everyone here. First and foremost you and your children come first. If you feeling the stress and frustration, think about how your young children are feeling. They will start to believe as they get older that this is “normal” . Look at the statistics for children that grow up in abusive alcholic households. Ask yourself if that is what you want for children and yourself. May god be with you on your journey.
Please take advantage of online alanon meetings, social services, shelters and or free therapy services that can help you. This is too big for any human to handle. The disease is baffling and insidious. I pray that your higher power will deliver you to people, places and things to comfort and strengthen you at this time.
Amy: Ro is correct. When I first became aware of my deceased AG’s ( just 38 yrs old ) alcoholism I tried to handle things on my own. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. He will lie and who knows what else. You will need many shoulders to cry on. Start googling to find support. Bruce
We live in downeast Maine..the middle of nowhere..I try so hard to detach. I try it all.. somedays I can do it and do it well..other days I honestly feel like tearing him to shreds…I have some books..I have been working on a garden.trying to do little things for me and the kids…it seems for awhile I do it then I juat get so tired and worn out..all I do is sit ,think and obsess…this is so hard he will have these brief periods where he will go to meetings and be sober for a couple days and you get just a glimmer of hope ..then its gone and you are back on this roller coaster ride..over and over and over..I have at least come to terms with one thing today there is no point in getting my hopes up that he will go to a.a and work the program or do anything for that matter..I need to get my focus off of him somehow stop obsessing over him and what he is doing I can barely even do my job, all day all I can think about is things he has said or done..or drive myself insane wondering if he is going to be drunk when I get home..I am sick to death of thinking about him 24/7 but no matter how hard I try I cant stop…as of right now we dont have anywhere we can go besides to my parents house which we have done on really bad nights.but seeing my father is an alcoholic it doesnt seem much better there sometimes.I don’t know how anyone could live like this and come out looking and feeling like anything besides a wreck…it is simply exhausting…I am usually in such a bad mood and worn out and tired to the point I cant even stand myself…I am going to try and find some online alanon meetings Im not really sure how effective they would be but at this point it is worth a try…
Yes Amy I know what you mean. Try not to get your hopes up since that just be means you be more disappointed when he relapses. Start finding something you love that will make you look forward to getting up everyday. Since you have a computer you could start a small business on ebay. It will give you a little more money to stash away just for you and your children. Second hand shops are popping up all around and sometimes you can find something that you can resell. If you are crafty or like to sew maybe you can design and make something. Maybe go to garage sales and start buying something you can refurbish to sell. Only you know what will interest you. I have my horses and even tho they are usually a topic that he goes on about I refuse to give up that part of myself. It will make you feel proud of yourself for having something that you created. It will give you something to feel good about yourself. It is always a struggle to maintain self respect while living with an alcoholic.
I have used this experience to learn many lessons about myself. I go to the library and take out books to read about self help subjects that interest me. I am reading so much about how the shame cycle effects addictions. I has helped a lot. This experience has also brought me so much closer to my God. I was having a bad weekend last weekend and I finally had to stop and pray. Then while cleaning the car I found a silver coin that had the serenity prayer printed on it. This is a car I had about 6 months and had cleaned before. It seemed like a small miracle to me and showed me I am not alone in this journey. Keep us up to date.
I too live in Maine (Western) I am a social worker. I joined because of my best friends struggle. Don’t give up! not sure of your location but, I can tell you a great many resources are available in the state. I would be glad to do an in-depth search for you. Best of luck
hi, Amy i know what you mean, the only difference is that he is my hasband and he is very good at hiding his alcoholism from the kids so my kids love him very much they asking about him all the time,and i am very lonly no familly or freinds so i have to deal myself with every thing i just feel exosted because my kids are very young they dont really inderstand why ther father is sleepy all the time, so just like you i must find away out of this mess befor my kids start to indrestand what really going one.
all love
Fatima.
Thank you everyone for all the comments and ideas…I need them..its nice to have somewhere to go where you feel understood..most days I feel so alone ..even if it is just for today I am going to go to work and NOT drive home to check up on him..for me this is a big step ..and I still have not cleaned up any of his messes the sink might be full of dishes and the house is a mess but it actually makes me feel good…I am tired of working 5 days a week and coming home to messes I didnt even make and cleaning them ,,and he doesnt lift a hand to do anything..instead im going to come home and work in my garden. Feeling like I have to do everything never leaves me with any time for myself..
Good for you. You will feel so much better when you take care of you. It is so easy to lose yourself in any relationship but especially in one with a person living with alcoholism. You are worth the effort to make yourself happy first. Do not let anyone tell you it is selfish. I grew up with parents telling me I was not good enough and needed to be like my cousins because they were smarter. Always felt like I had to try harder to do good!! Still a struggle to just accept myself like I am. It is a long journey but well worth the effort.
Amy:
Like others before me wrote you need to get you and your children away from this situation immediately. Since that police officer helped once. Contact him and ask if the next time your boyfriend is passed out, can you call the police and have them take him and drop him off at the nearest Rehab & you sign him in. This should give you a week to 30 days for you to get your house back in order and make some decisions. Ask them for help. Al Anon is good but you need some immediate help here. Please reach out to your community and see if there’s something that can be done to remove him from the home even temporarily. If one of your children should mention at school what is going on the child welfare might be called in and you could lose them if he is still in the home causing this. Please take this seriously!
Amy, I am glad you are reaching out. I did this the other day on this site and it has helped so much already. My husband is dying from this disease. We have been in ER 2 x in a week and he still thinks he is fine and that I am crazy to be so sick with worry over him. He is 44 and has so much to live for but cannot see it. He wants to drink and have fun as he calls it until he dies. It is not fun, but he wants to controll his life and the alcoholism speaks so strongly to him that he is unable to rationalize anything. Two days ago the specialist called and told him to go to ER because his sodium went from 123 to 116 in just a few days and this can cause seizure,coma,renal failure and more. He never told me they said this. I knew something was up with him so yesterday I called the nurse and she told me this. I flipped out with panic as he still drives too. I fought him all day to go and finally he did. Luckily it was up to 120 now which is better but it is still in a scary level. He thinks he is fine and bought more beer on his way home….. I tried to talk to him and all he does is attack me so I shut up and feel hurt and leave him alone. It is hard to remember it is the disease talking and not the man I love. But I told him he won and for the first time I told him I give up fighting for him. I asked him to write down who he wants to have what items of his and what he wants for his funeral, I also told him we were supposed to meet with hospice next week to get it set up for if and when we need it. He agreed and was glad I let go. I cannot save him and I have worried and tried for the last 2 years and enough is enough. Serenity pray has to apply now and I have to let go and let God. My daughter and I had a trip for the weekend planned to se the Dahli Lama and I was going to cancel it to be here to watch over him, but I am going and he is his own man and I cannot continue to be ill over it. His friend is going to check in on him for me. Please Amy reach out. The Al Anon groups usually have meeting everywhere you can look it up on line. I live in the boonies and we have them here. Don’t let your fear of facing it stop you from saving yourself and children. Someone there may be able to help you and maybe you can reach out to someone at work. Sometimes when we look for help we find it in the strangest ways. If you have to live one minute at a time that’s what we have to do. I know it is tiring, but we actually do this to ourselves and allow it to be done to us. At some point we to have to face reality and live for us and the ones that need us the most and it is not them. We get lost in the crazy and can’t see clearly. God loves you and your children and is there for you. Love to you my dear.
To Laura & everyone else on this site.The next time your A takes off in the car DRUNK. Call the police!!! Why endanger innocent people. That is the new rule in my home. With the death of my A girlfriend from drinking, I’m done putting up with it. Everyone have a good day in spite of our A’s problems. They have the problems not us.
Laura
I am so sorry to hear of your husband having to be put on hospice. My AH is going on 60 and I can hear his lungs gasping when he sleeps. In a weak moment when he was drunk I blurted out that he was dying and how sad it made me. Well he started yelling at me that it was none of my business. That I should just mind my own business and live my own life. I guess it was the wake up call that I needed to realize that they never worry about any one but themselves and do not want the worry and care that I thought was part of a loving relationship. I have attended to his every need and taken care of his dysfunctional family and his mother while she was in end stage alzhiemers. Now I am so mad at myself for putting my life on hold for so long to help others. If this will help someone else to realize that you are your first priority them maybe it will not be in vain. I laid awake most of last night struggling with the regret of wasting my life. It is hard not to slip into a deep depression. He stays up all night watching TV and sleeps all day. I am so lonely for companionship!! I do stuff by myself now and only struggle with the dark thoughts occasionally. Just came back from garden store and purchased some beautiful rose bushes. So now I will close and go out to plant my roses. Sending love and positive thoughts and prayers to everyone as they go thru their day.
I am trying to find a meeting..so far I cannot find one in the area..plenty of a.a. meetings but no alanon..I did find a couple online sites and went to the Library and got some books..its a start I am trying to work out a system where the kids have somewhere to go after school until I can find out what the conditions are here before they come home…they are gone tonight I could tell when I got home he had been drinking not bad but enough I could tell I pretended not to notice and went about my business ..he started getting snappy with me so I simply turned around and went outside to the basement..he is now in the bedroom coughing and coughing,,,maybe getting sick idk…he is ignoring me and shutting me out as he usually does sometimes after awhile I get lonely but to be honest tonight it is sorta nice…
Bruce I agree with you…Mine drives drunk all the time…Ive been scared to do it…scared he will find out it was me who called…but one of these times..I want too sooo bad..he has already had 2 dui’s as it is and spend 2 weeks in jail over it..
Amy
Alanon has a phone line that holds meetings everyday for an hour at different times. The phone bridge is a lifesaver when you cannot make it to a face to face meeting. The number is 17124328733 the access code is 52639. Hope this helps.
Amy, Hi! … also there is nothing wrong with attending one of the open AA meetings; you may just find some good support and program there … One Day At A Time and all the best … you are in my prayers …
Hi Amy, I went to an open AA meeting 3-4 years gathered alot of information but my A refused to acknowledge or read it nothing is wrong with him just recently he has admitted to being an alcoholic, I asked him what is he going to do about it he didn’t respond. This may be your A’s bottom. I would take care of you and the children first priority. I will keep you in my prayers.
Amy… I understand your frustration and confusion. It’s hard to love someone who is self-destructive. During times when I could not find an Al Anon meeting, I went to open AA meetings. You can share your story there and it will help to release your experiences and emotions, face-to-face, with others. As an Al Anoner, it was nice for me to meet people who openly admit their disease and are trying to do something about it. I enjoyed listening to their stories and how they are trying to heal. Some of them are true success stories, so it can bring hope.
Rochelle, could you post the http://WebAddress…of the phone line meeting schedule please? It sounds like an excellent alternative to physically attending an Al-anon meeting.
Bob
The address for the meeting schedule is http://www.alanonphonemeetings.org AA also has a phone bridge the number is 17124320075 access code 654443#. Their meetings are daily at noon and 10 pm eastern time. They are great I am thankful for both. I hope u find them helpful.
Amy, Alcoholics are very sick people. The insidiousness
of the disease is beyond belief and in the early stages
unecognizeable. Alcohol not only changes them, it changes who we are. We must
change in order to be happy healthy individuals that
God intended for us to be. It is hard to figure out what
to do. This web site does offer many appropriate beginnings. Remembering to never argue with an alcoholic
when they are drunk. this can lead to physical abuse that
can end your or their life. I know how difficult this
is but it is a good beginning point. Good Luck and God Bless
Thanks so much Rochelle–I’ve been looking all over for this phone in al anon meetings with no success. I can’t wait to try it. Thanks for sharing.
Happy Mother’s day to all of us that are with an A. It is days like this that we can really feel lonely. It seems like every holiday or birthday my husband drinks and gets mad at me so he does not have to celebrate anything joyful. I have been gone for a night to get a break and I am afraid to go home and start the horrible feeling of sickness in my stomach by knowing what a miserable and gloomy place it is. God Bless.
Laura
It must be the moon phase but last night was a horrible night with my AH. He berated me all night. I would not argue most of the time but after hours and hours of being told what a waste I am and how stupid I am. How I ruined his life and took everything he every did and made it trash. How I spend too much money etc. After 6 or 7 hours of this you get tired of hearing it so I try to defend myself just so I can try not to feel so bad about myself. Sometimes it is hard to leave since one time when I did he tried to strangle me and threw peach cans at me. I should have found a way to leave back then about a year ago but I could not find a job where I could support myself. We have a business that he retired from but it is in name. He tells me that he will give it to me but I am to stupid to run and and will lose it. It does not make any money in the summer months so he knows he can abuse me and I have nowhere to go. I have some horses that I have owned for 24 years and have no where to go with them. I guess I should just put them down and go live the rest of my days working at whatever job I can do just to have a little self respect. That is what you get after taking care of everyone but yourself your whole life. 15 hours of the person you tried to help turns on you and threatens to turn you out with nothing. I now hate him so much for his hurtful and degrading ways. Sorry for dumping but needed to vent after the horrible things he says.
Pat, sometimes we all need to dump as we get dumped on so much ourselves. Putting the horses down sounds like something he has told you. I have horsed too with my husband dying and I wonder what I will do with them. He too tries to controll the money, what is this? It must be there way making sure we stay and be miserable like them. Try as best you can to enjoy your day. Just saw Dahli Lama yesterday and he said before we can be physically fit we must have good mental hygiene so this is what I am trying to work me, not something I am used to that is for sure. Stay busy with hands and your heart. I hope and pray for peace today for you and a solution to the pain, fear and terror that you do not deserve. You must be exhausted. God Bless you today and always. L
Laura
Thanks. Yes I am exhausted more mentally than physically. Living in fear of what will happen when he wakes up. If I leave than I worry that he will hurt the horses and if I stay what happens when he wakes up. More drinking. I am so ready to take back my life. I used to be so strong and smart. Now I have let myself become something I don even recognize. I like the idea of good mental hygiene. Talked to my sister a little while ago. Her husband committed suicide about a year ago. Although he was not an alcoholic he treated her very badly. She worked very hard at a stressfull job while he drew disability for his bad back. Even tho he had cows and could work cows!! She had to keep house immacuant and provide him clean and starched clothes. Also provide him a truck and trailer etc. When she told him she had enough and wanted her life back he killed himself. Today is the first day of a new plan. I need to get some kind of job just to put money away so I have my own money. Then as planned I am going to get the young horses broke and sold by fall. Once I have the numbers down and some money in the bank I can look around to see where I want to go to live. Since I have no family here I may move back to be closer to my sister. Thanks everyone for listening. It really helps to write it out.
It does wear on you..mine is drunk as usual..for a split second I looked at him and thought really your even drunk on Mothers Day..he tried to start an arguement with me and I told him I was not doing this tonight I have worked all day!..I left the room and took a hot bath..he then tried to start another one so I left and went and got a meatball sub for supper ..he is now passed out but seeing he usually starts drinking around 8 in the morning.I can see why..lol…so I decided I am going to just be grateful that he is passed out and consider it my gift from him on Mothers Day..now I can have a nice quiet evening to do my online alaonon meeting I found..(I have a friend who works in at a medical center who is trying to find a face to face meeting for me)..then I can read for awhile ….its like heaven its those BAD times when he gets so drunk and angry its as if a monster has taken over his body that I dont know how to deal with.,..he usually drinks a half a gallon of brandy every other day…today must of only been a 5th..The upsetting part is I can see for myself how bad this has progressed just even in the last 4 months..and his anger level is getting worse and worse..I gotta say it sucks lving and dealing with him..but it has got to suck worse to be drunk an full of anger or 20 other emotions all the time..I wouldnt be able to stand myself…
Now after spending the day outside I finally have the nerve to come in and he wants to be all lovey. I haven’t said a word. I just made myself a glass of cold water and started reading a book about healing from abuse. He came out again and said he was watching “The Jerk” but he was not as smart as him. He wants it to all ok after all the horrible things he said to me. He told me he wanted to be left alone so that is what he is getting. Working on boundries. Never have been very good at that so I guess now is as good a time to start. Read some good articles on this site that have really got me thinking. Hope everyone has a good night and God bless.
Mine does that too Pat..right out of nowhere he will come out and help me in the garden…or do something…but he never says he is sorry never says much of anything…he sorta always acts like NOTHING at all has ever happened…like its just another ordinary day….
Pat and Amy, That is exactly what alcoholics do. In their
sick minds they believe it is just another day. Either they honestly do not remember the events of the previous
day or they choose to behave like nothing happened. It
hurts us because they never take responsibility for their
behavior. Their brains are chemicaslly changed. So they
believe they are masters of all things. WE, know better.
This is why we have to change and learn to outsmart the fox lurking in the alcoholics body. While they are chasing their tail in an alcoholic frenzie we learn
to leave them to what ever their task at hand is. Usually
trying to figure out where their next drink is. Life is
so preciously short and the fox will tell you that they
choose to live their life their way and you are crszy
for not being just like them. You still have a choice.
It will be lonely for a while to detatch. This period of
time is excellent for reading about boundaries, personal
choices and figuring out what direction you choose. It
really is your choice in the end, right or wrong. Other
spouses of alcoholics may make a different choice, only
you can determine what is right for you.
To Pat & Laura & everyone who has animals they love
. . .Please watch out. A’s can & will take out their abuse on animals & children to hurt you. I am finally away from my A but over the last 5 years he turned the dog loose causing him to get hit by a car & shattering his hip, he over fed my therapeutic horse I had over 25 years causing her to founder & had to be put down. At the divorce there was one horse left–his & asked court’s permission to have him destroyed. Please be prepared for the A’s to do this–they know it hurts us & the animals & children is what keeps us there & they know it.
Unfortunately in my case, although I stopped the court from having the last horse destroyed I may be the one to have to put him down due to finances & my medical condition & I feel so evil that I have to do this. I feel lower than low–no better than him. So, before you make a move find homes for you, your children, your animals & yourself–the A’s will stop at nothing to hurt you using innocent animals & children.
My heart is so low now that I know I have to be the one to finish up all the dirty work he left behind for me, so if there’s a way for you guys to find homes for your pets first and get them out of harm’s way. . take my advice & please do so or you will find yourself in the position I am in.
Yes it is lonely and confusing. Mine has ben remorseful all night but I have remained calmly detached on the couch. It is hard because I do love him and do not want to hurt him further but at the same time confused about whether it is teaching him the consequences of his actions or being overreacting. He said he wanted to be left alone then tried several times to get me back to bed. He came out looking for cigarettes which somehow was always my responsible for getting. I see this as a chance to change the dynamics of the relationship if I can stay strong and keep good boundaries. It is sad that love is not respected as much as being hard.
Debbi
So sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine the pain you have to suffer facing another loss. I know the motto is one day at a time but I am hoping to make it till this fall to stay here. That will give me time to get the young horses more broke and placed in a good home. I will start a special account and start putting any extra money away as a get away fund. I do not know what to do with my old stallion that is 24 this year and is now having seeing problems. It may come having to put him down. I have owned him from the day he was born so he has had a good life but will certainly be a very sad day. In this respect I will take it one day at a time and make that decision when I have to. I will be thinking of you and hoping we both have the strength and wisdom to do whatever needs to be done.
Pat:
Oh no you are facing the same as me–my gelding is 24 but not sick at all–now fully recovered so putting him down as you know breaks our heart. I too am trying to hang in there until fall, sell the house to catch up on back medical bills. I looked everywhere for homes for the horse & 2 cats–no luck. I tried instead to open up my place for another handicapped trained horse to board to offset costs–no luck. This will be the final insult of what he did to me & I think it will the final straw that destroys my state of mind for good. When I have to put down an animal because of an A I am no better than them–I feel like I should be destroyed right along with the horse.
Karen…thanks so much for the comment.it really helped….:=)
Debbie
Praying that something will come your way that will enable you to keep your horse and cats. Having to put down a horse does not make you a bad person. Just because we love and trusted someone that has an addiction doesn’t make us bad people either. I think that it would be harder to wonder what happened to him if you cant place them with someone that you are comfortable with. Maybe you could find someone that would enjoy him on a share basis. You have probably thought of that but I hate to think of someone losing a loved animal. Will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Pat:
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I’m just upset because I thought my A was a horrible person for not trying to find a home for his horse & wanted him destroyed & here I am doing the same thing–I was judging him & afraid maybe I did too much of that through the marriage & caused the breakdown. So tired of never getting any of my questions answered for his behavior–not even the big one. . .if he was an alcoholic or not. It is wearing me out & I keep trying to decide if I caused all this & now with the horse I have decided it must all have been my fault–I am in the pit of despair with all of this. Why else would a God in heaven give him someone else in his life so quickly to love & be so kind to her but never to me in 20 years? I think I was destined to have a horrible life and so be it.
Alcoholics are very cunning, sly, crafty. They lean on us,win us over and then begin their magic of destroying their lives and yours. Your A is going to do this to the new girl friend as soon as he thinks she is emotionally
involved with him. He needs her to lean on for the next
beer, for a roof over his head. Someone he can batter
so he can justify his drinking. Drug addicts do the same
thing. I feel badly should you need to put down your horse. Keep your eyes and ears open. He has so few
years left. It would be nice for him to spend his life
with you as you both need emotional support from each
other. Sometimes life is just what it is. LIFE
Good luck to you both. Let not the alcoholic destroy
you, your life or your horse.
Debbie, I remember JC sharing that when our relationship with an alcoholic is ending, be prepared because we will be replaced, sooner than later. That’s just what alcoholics do. Their thinking is so dysfunctional. I’m sure that you have heard the expression, “hurting people, hurt people”. I also wanted to say that we are not the cause of whatever mess the alcoholic has made of their life. It’s impossible to make any sense out of senseless actions and insanity. That’s why it’s best to try and let go of trying to understand why the alcoholic does certain things.
It seems so odd, that every time we turn around a new and crazy event comes our way. Loss of an animal is heartbreaking. I have a ranch and lost a few this year and it sucks, but I know I gave them the best life I could and that is what I have to remember. We cannot fix everything. We always worry so much about everything and everyone. I always think oh i’ll be fine..blah blah blah and then go on taking care of worrying about everyone else. Yesterday we went to the doctor and our specialist has said he can do no more for my Husband and our family doctor is now taking care of him and setting us up for hospice. What a bomb, I knew it was comming, but it is the worst thing to hear and face. My AH just kept saying he was sorry. I was pretty histerical and felt like I had been hit in by a mac truck.
Guess what he still came home and drank a couple of beers. Nothing to do, but move forward and take care of myself. Off to my counselor this morning. God Bless us all and remember we are humans with heart, but not dormats, we are good people who do not take care of ourselves first. But in the end like myself after all that I had to sit there find our weather he wants to be buried or creamated…. Just awful, let me to tell you.
Debbi and everyone else,
You are right when you tell folks to carefully protect their animals. When my husband and I were still together, he was VERY drunk and VERY angry one particular evening. He threatened to kill me so I called the police. While waiting for them to arrive, he kept saying I better not have called the police (even though he saw me and heard me do it) or the police better not show up. Finally I said, “Or what, Harry? Or what?” He said, “Or I’ll kill your cat.” That statement was MUCH MORE upsetting to me than the threat to kill me. My husband was a major animal lover and would do anything for any animal. When he made that comment, it was evil, and I knew he had crossed a line. I was terrified then. I went the next day and got a temporary protective order that was in place for several months. He had no memory of anything that happened that evening. Oh, one other thing, if he had ever harmed one of our animals, I think I would have been capable of hurting him or killing him.
Debbi, have you tried searching for horse rescues on the internet? Get in touch with some of them. Even if they can’t take your horse, they may be able to put you in contact with someone else who can help. Sometimes we jump to the worst possible option because that’s what we’re used to. Don’t give up on your horse, because it’s obvious that your heart is with him. Have you tried running an ad in the newspaper? Same for the cats. Look into cat shelters and rescues. Have you tried running an ad? You can screen the interested parties to your heart’s content to make sure they are good people. I’ve had good luck by making the ad very friendly, caring, and personal; not the standard cut and dried stuff. I actually own 4 cats and a dog, but only 2 cats live with me because that’s all I could take to my apartment when my husband and I separated. The other 2 cats and the dog live with relatives. I pay all the expenses (food, vet, etc.) and they care for them. It’s a real godsend for me. Maybe that’s a possibility for you?
And, Debbi, I simply don’t believe you were destined to have a horrible life. I don’t believe anyone is destined to have a horrible life. A Higher Power who would operate that way isn’t the HP I want anything to do with. We make choices and what happens after that is the domino effect. Sometimes the outcomes are good and sometimes they’re not. All of us make our own choices, and sometimes someone else’s choice impacts horribly on me, but I do not believe that’s our destiny. I just can’t accept that.
Amy, your children HAVE to be your #1 priority. You need to be raising them in a stable, secure environment. It’s what they deserve, and it’s your responsibility to do everything possible to make it happen. Either you and your children need to get out, or the drunk needs to be put out. There really isn’t any other option here. You have got to separate your kids from this man. Don’t get me wrong, you need stability and security, too. But you have a moral responsibility to provide a better environment for your kids. Please start moving forward for your kids and for you.
None of this is easy and I know it. I was married to an alcoholic for nearly 23 years, the last 12 with active alcoholism. I’ve been in Al-Anon for 10 years and had lots of support. It was still hard to finally give up and walk away. It was definitely my last resort, but it came to that point. By that time my love for him was gone. I still care about him as a person, but our relationship was slowly poisoned by alcoholism until it was finally dead.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and do the next right thing. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for your kids or your pets. All living things deserve peace.
Diane
Sounds like you have some very sound ideas. Even though this is my second marriage to an addict you would think I would have it figured out. First husband was a drug addict so I switched to an alcoholic thinking that all men had addictions and maybe this was the better of the 2. Wow. When you look back you realize how deluded you are. Al Anon has been the best thing that has happened to me. I know at one meeting there was a girl that said it is a shame that it is restricted to alcoholics because everyone benefits. I have to say that is true. I wish I would have gone earlier in my life. Maybe it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I know my first husband was so quick to find someone but in the end it did not work out for him either because they both wound up in jail. I derive no pleasure from that. It just makes me realize that God had a better plan for me because he got me out of that situation. Guess I didn’t learn the lesson enough because I got myself back in another mess. My now husband at least went out and earned a good living for us. I am so grateful that he did that and worked as hard as he did.
He also has threatened my animals because he knows that would hurt me more than if he hurt me. I don’t believe he would actually do it but it is always a possibility. When they are drunk they don’t remember anything and their anger takes over their minds. I think mine finally realizes how much fear he creates. He had tried to strangle me a few years ago and didn’t even realize it. I am ashamed that I didn’t leave at that point!! I never talked about it until this past weekend. I was amazed that he did not remember it. Since I have been staying away from him I guess he figured that I was not lying. He came out of his cave the other morning and finally admitted that he understands why I act the way I do when he is drunk. That is a big step but I don’t know where it will go if anywhere. It seems to go in cycles. He does good for about 6 months then he goes thru a drunk and raging stage that lasts about a week. I have learned from this last episode to just leave before the first sip of beer hits his lips. Thanks everyone for all the great discussion. Hope everyone has a good day today. I keep remembering to take it one day at a time.
Diane: I so appreciate all your suggestions but there is a 3+ year waiting list at rescue centers here. I put the horse on Craigslist with free trailer & what I got was lawyers threatening to sue me or people who already had the day picked out to take him to the slaughter house.
Yes, I have had my A almost starve his horse, over feed others, poison another, found his horse on the ground completely dehydrated–all of this to get at me. He tortured the dogs, the cats & me but I never saw him drunk so sometimes I think I had a sociopath on my hands not an alcoholic.
Pat: we must be twins–my life is duplicate of yours with 1st one a drug addict but now happily married to the one he ran off with ending our marriage–so now he’s the dutiful little husband with this one so my guilt rolls in again I think it must have been me. Second one alcohol or what–still not sure–but I know the abuse was escalating & after 3 physical confrontations with him it was time to divorce. Sometimes he could love animals & children and show such empathy and others I saw a cold, calculating manipulator of actions & words. To this day, no one believes if I tell them the horrid things he did behind closed doors.
Thank you all but I guess I just have to come to terms with putting this horse down the humane way and not given away where he might end up on someone’s dinner table, now that the federal ban on horsemeat has been lifted.
Well it hasn’t been a good day here. I told him today I am sick of his shit and sick of me and these kids having to deal with this insanity…so his solution to this is to leave..I have seen him do this before stay out half the night..or sleep in the truck…who knows what I stopped looking ALONG TIME AGO.I think it’s a great solution, well sometimes. The problem is sometimes he likes to come here and wake everyone up with his drunken crap at 3 in the morning. So I can only imagine what I will have to deal with tonight…