Does An Alcoholic Care About Who They Hurt

Question Sent In By: Amy
I just have a question and want to know what others think. Do you think alcoholics care who they hurt?. When they break plans, leave you alone, choose alcohol over everyone and everything in their lives etc. It sure doesn’t seem it. I can’t help but wonder if they even feel a pang of guilt over the things they do! Just a question that I am wondering what others think and feel about this subject?

JC: Thanks for sending in your question Amy. The substance abusers I have been in close relationships with were very caring people when they weren’t drinking or using drugs. It seems to me that an alcoholic will drink more in an attempt to cover over the guilt, shame and pain that is associated with them letting those that are closest to them down because of their drinking habits.  When a problem drinker  gets sober, they have to feel everything because they no longer have the alcohol to numb their feelings. This is why it is so important for them to stay connected in a program like AA;  they have to  learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings without stuffing them down with the use of drugs or alcohol. When I met my now ex- alcoholic spouse, initially,  she was a very caring person at heart. As she progressed in her addictions, she certainly treated those she was closest to as if she didn’t care about them at all sometimes.

Please feel free to leave a comment below.

You might also enjoy reading:
Why Are Alcoholics Thieves
Why Should We Be Nice When Alcoholics Are Mean
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170 comments to Does An Alcoholic Care About Who They Hurt

  • Amy

    Yeh I feel very alone right now and upset but this has got to happen..I simply cannot take living like this one more day..I am so drained from all that has went on here I cant even think anymore..I have stuck around waiting for a miracle ..hoping one day he would wake up and see what we see and get the help he needs..I am hoping I will feel alot better when I am out of this house..with everything that has went on and for the first time in a very long time he is not here the chaos is gone and I am just sitting here feeling a million different feelings I just cant even understand why I would let things get to this point and why I stayed so long in a terrible situation like this..I put everything I had into this house and the relationship and all I got in return was a mean ,angry,lying drunk..I have so much to get out of here both inside and outside it is overwhelming me to the point I just wish everything I owned would just vanish into thin air so I dont have to deal with it and magically appear all in order at our new place. After all he has put us through I dont even care if we get everything out in the next 3 weeks…he can be inconvienced and suffer for awhile. The way he has made all of us suffer.I just found out yesterday he has a past history of abuse and has been charged with domestic assult life was so much better before this I took care of myself,didnt dread going to work everyday,had friends, was a runner,painted,etc,,now here I sit looking like something the cat dragged in a shell of the person I use to be…I just sit here with all this half packed mess all around me up at 4 in the morning thinking did I get so caught up in all this to the point that until now sitting here in what is finally a quiet home..I was unable to see how bad this situation has become as if I was in denial as well..

  • Pez

    You Were! So was I and many others. Your situation is similar to mine as I invested in HIS house, I stopped after awhile cause I was “feeling” used. After awhile I gave less and less as he did not prove himself. Good thing I stopped investing things cause he ended up jumping into an instant live in relationship with another girl and all I invested was “lost”. They appreciate NOTHING! Take all you invested out of the house. If you don’t want it give it to GoodWill or to someone who will appreciate it. He will have another victim in there asap. They are afraid to be alone with themselves. When you get out and get settled, find a support group for abused women. You will need to talk, a lot! Your brain is trying to figure out what the heck happened. Plus you will have to deal with the Trama Bond or Stalkhome Syndrome–A strong attachment common in abuse situations. I am still baffled that I did not see him for what he was. But lots of research has helped me understand WHY. It is still hard at times and I go back and forth from anger, to pity for his disease, to disgust, To crying because of a loss of love and investment–But now I know what’s happening which helps me deal. Thank God for all my good friends who listened to me for way too long through my healing and trauma.

  • Jule

    Amy, I’m sorry that I’m not able to come and help you pack and move out. There really needs to be a strong network of AH/AW supporters linked up in every city to come to the aid of those who desperately need people to rally round and help them transition out of a hellish situation. Same goes for rescuing abused spouses. Can’t we organize something like that? It’s a shame for people to have to go it alone during a traumatic escape from the alcoholic / abuser / chaos. This is when the person can feel the most alone, rejected, misunderstood, and like not one human being in the community gives a damn that a life is in turmoil. It’s not easy, in any sense. But Amy, I’m glad you are resolved in your decision to move out. It helps when you’re not trapped or torn between two decisions. Get plenty of rest. It will help you to concentrate and focus on what needs to be done now. And pray on your knees often. God will pull you through. There is no shame in having loved and trusted completely. Oh, and hey, take 30 minutes out of your early morning, drive to a quiet country road and start running again.

  • Debbi

    You Did The Right Thing! Be Proud, Stay Strong, & call on others to help you find a new place and move as soon as you can. Jule was right also when she said he is painting a rosy picture of himself and painting you “black”. Don’t listen or ask for help from anyone of his friends, family etc.

    You will get through this. Another site quoted this remark from a woman: “No Girl Who Plays The Role of Hero Stays With A Guy Who Only Uses Her–She Knows Who She Is!

    You can do this & we are all cheering you on. You need to put space between him and you immediately! God Speed.

  • Amy

    Im having moments where I feel down and moments where I feel strong..The mother of his son came down and left him with me and my son for awhile yesterday,while he was here the next door neighbor called my ex nightmare at his mothers and told him his son was here with he kept calling his sons mother over and over on the phone.I can imagine the turmoil that created and I dont really care and neither does she and neither does DHS who was here yesterday to talk to me and my son..DHS feels I did everything I could to protect both of the children and that I am doing the right thing by not seperating the children..I asked his son what are you going to say to him..he said I am going to tell him he will have to deal with it and he should prepare himself to face the consequences of his actions..this coming from a 14 year old boy..His son has been put through so much even by the grandmother who called and told his sone yesterday that I also had done up paper work against him stating he wasnt allowed around us either..she had the kid in tears..these people are so dyfunctional they want to use a 14 year old child like a pawn in a game and hurt him in an attempt to get back at me and my son…I seriously cannot pack fast enough the more and more I pack the more and more I realize how much I invested in the relationship and I am taking it all with me ..His mother told me she will support me go to court anything she can do…and so will her husband…so that gives me a little strength and hope I dont feel so alone in this..even if its just for today

  • Jule

    Amy, the hurt and anger, disbelief and disappointment will come on strong at times. Yes, it’s been that nasty. You have been the dose of sanity and stability in their lives. Perhaps all of this came about because you were meant to rescue his son from repeating the same self-destruction. We won’t know until we stand face to face with our awesome Creator how much of a difference we made in other people’s lives. God sees and knows multiplicities that we never will in this life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. The morning is more promising than the night. Buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Schnuck’s or what ever grocer is in your area. Pick some flowers and put them where you’ll see them often. You need beauty around you, the innocence of a child to remind you that love exists, is real, is abundant. Peace to you, sweetheart.

  • Amy

    I have noticed one thing that has been happening everyday and its strange its as if my body is on a time clock for anxiety everyday an hour before the end of work I would get terrible anxiety wondering if I would be coming home to a angry drunk ..even though when I get here no one will be drunk my body is still getting anxiety filled at the same time everyday…I had 4 awesome people come here and help me pack and take down things felt great knowing people really can be good…I have had nothing but bad for so long I had almost forgotten everyone in this world isn’t mean and selfish..he drove by here last night..This house is on a road he just doesnt have any reason to be I called 911..apparently until he drives by about 10 times in a row..or perhaps comes in here and tries to hurt me no one is going to do much of anything(isn’t that good to know)..if he is going to be allowed to get away with small things ..then it wont be too long before he feels he can get away with more in my opinion…oh and Pez..thats where I got I have put so much into this house and I am taking EVERYTHING..I even had someone remove the shutters right off the house today..I just kept doing and doing .. I did it all…this house is bare..hard lesson learned..NEVER again will I ever let this happen to me..I feel so used and stupid to be honest..and Debbi you are so right I have had people tell me already that he is blaming me for everything, and his dyfunctional mother is as well..he is even making things up…it makes me mad…but then I thought about it..he blamed me and everyone else for his drinking and so does she why on earth would I expect him to actually take any responsibility for this..she actually called customs and made up things about me so I got pulled inside, my car searched,asked all kinds of questions..she will probley be pretty upset when she finds out nothing came out of it..I will just be glad when I have everything packed up and I can leave this house forever…

  • Pez

    Amy, that is 2 people I have helped so far dealing with an alcoholic. You will not regret taking everything you invested out of the house! wish I had! Also helped another girl not to get involved with an alcoholic unless he is clean for 1 year and proves himself. She listened : )Love Pez Thank God for using me.

  • Amy

    With each day things seem to be better..It is so nice not living like that anymore…Ive still got alot of packing to do..but I have decided I need a break from all of this and am going to go work on starting my NEW garden…life can only get better from here …I cant believe I stayed this long..I know somedays are not going to be easy, and I am going to be dealing with ALOT…but if I can live through what I just spent the last year living through, in the end I should make out just fine because if I managed to survive this I should be able to get through anything ..

  • Julie

    Amy you are doing wonderful! I am happy you are taking the steps to get away. I lived thru 21 years of marriage to an alcolholic and abuser and it took courage, help from others and a lot of learning what reality was in order to break away. Even after a hard divorce, my children and i are still going thru his abuse because the courts granted him visitation and we are fighting it. He has kept the same behaviors even as he claims he has changed. But he is losing everything and still blaming me. he lost his job because he was caught drinking at lunch hour and he blames that on me. He got a ticket for drug paraphernalia and drinking in a parked vehicle in a metropark where there is no alcoholic beverages allowed. And somehow that is my fault too. But…I am not living with him and can ignore his calls and texts so I can get away. My life is so much more peaceful because i changed my behavior and my reactions to his bs. He has not changed and sadly i am finding it hard to believe that he ever will. But that is his choice and he could still win if he embraces the Lord’s help. But that is no longer my concern. I have three children who need me to help them, care for them and protect them and that is what i focus on now. Stay strong because he will find people to complain to to make you sound bad. I see it and hear about it but the people who believe him I don’t even know so I don’t care what they believe. The truth comes out even if it takes a very long time. God bless you and stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

  • Julie

    Pez that is awesome! That is what life is all about. Helping eachother. 🙂

  • Debbi

    You are doing great–keep up the good attitude. When I made my move I got lots of energy like you did but I will warn you when it calms down you may find you start to feel depressed–it happened to me. If it does, please remember this–
    No contact-no matter how much you might want to talk to him or any of his friends or family–do not do it. He has lied about you and you will not get sympathy or help–he & family will turn your words around. He lies, they enable. Stay quiet and if you need to talk, call your family, friends or come here. The only time you need to talk is regarding children–make it always by text or email and document everything from this point forward and be careful what you write & say. Remember: sometimes in the game of last words–the winning play is silence.
    Stay strong-you are a hero!

  • Amy

    I know inside thats how it is going to go….once this all calms down..when I have ever ended a relationship it feels good at first…but then all the feelings come around and even if you try to ignore them it seems they are right there waiting for you…I have come up with an idea..I am going to get a notebook and in that notebook I am going to write all the terrible things he did or that notebook.,,,it seems in situations like these we tend to want to remember the good, and push away the bad,,and when those feelings creep in..I am gonna open that bok and dose myself with a taste of reality..that there wasnt anything good about anything that has gone on here…its been nothing short of a nightmare…I actually did really well today at the new place..but as soon as I walked through the door..for the first time I feel down..I am here alone,the house is almost bare and here I sit realizing how much time,effort,money I put into this place and for what deal with a mean,selfish, heartless, angry drunk…I just wish I could understand why on earth I stayed here for this long..I feel like a used fool..why on earth do we even get involved with these people ,,I wish I could understand myself..

  • Pez

    That is what I wanted to know and found the answers in “How to Spot a dangerous man before you get involved” by Sandra L Brown. We are raised with a set of beliefs such as: People can change; there is good in everyone; everyone deserves a chance; and more! I highly recommend the book!!! It will help you understand yourself! so you don’t do this again. Also, get a workbook on PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) This helped tremendously with obsessive thoughts. Day by day as you practice the excercizes you become more and more FREE in your mind and emotions. It was an indispensable tool in my healing. You can find these books maybe at your local library or Amazon.

  • Debbi

    Amy: Great idea for the notebook but in addition to the list of the bad things you put up with–start 2 other lists: 1-all the good YOU brought into that relationship & the good things YOU did & 2–All the things he is going to miss–stay strong–I am still in my depression stage from ending it but I read through my lists too & it helps!

    Pez: I do have PTSD due to several trauma’s right before I left my ex A–which book on this that has the exercises do you recommend the best? You seem to always direct me to the right place!

  • Pez

    Look in your local library or Amazon keyword PTSD or Trama. Here is the workbook: Mind-Body workbook for PTSD: A 10 week program for healing Trama by Caroline Bryant Block. I’m telling you these techniqes work! You must be faithful to implement them daily/hourly. Over time you “stop” the recording in your mind–Amen–FREEDOM!

  • Debbi

    Thanks Pez:
    I found it on Amazon & ordered it–Looking forward to trying it.

  • Joann

    Your post scared me because it was as though I wrote it myself and that miracle is exactly what I have been praying for – I too am a shell of the person I used to be……. I always prided myself on being an intelligent woman but clearly I am not – my heart and soul is utterly broken!

  • traci

    Okay…I need help…support…advice. I’m currently in counseling and attending al anon for the stuff I’ve been through in the last 4 ish years. First off, I’m 35, and in love with an active, abusive, alcoholic. He has literally been in and our of our life so many times I have lost count. Always, when he leaves us, he uses this saying “My reasons for leaving never change…I don’t want to be fighting for the rest of my life.” He equates every fight with “us” with me and my insecurities. He doesn’t care to see that after 4 years of being put second to beer, 4 years of being told to eff off, 4 years of being told he doesn’t want to get together on OUR only days off together to LIVE life, spend time with me and my daughter (because he’d rather be home drinking playing games), he doesn’t get how that destroys trust and security. He has stated he is better as a friend than a boyfriend. His divorce papers even say he isn’t allowed to have beer when his son is around. He’s had a DWI, he’s done the drinking at work thing (swapping out a 44 oz soda for beer), he’s done the running away, shutting out everyone and everything important…it has been over 3 months now since he last left us, and in all those months he has not even once attempted to contact or see his only son. 🙁 And he has everyone tied around his finger, believing that I’m the psycho, believing I’m harassing him, stalking him…etc etc. It makes me feel sick. I’ve come by his work (bringing him a soda or coffee or food), I’ve gone by his new place (with hopes to see how he was, if he’s okay or not, and to bring the message of love and that there IS a better happier way)…I was left 5 times by him since December 2012. 5 times. Once, after a drive back home from WV to TX (about 2000 miles) and he left after us being back for 2 ish weeks. And he tells me it’s always the same thing, we do okay for a little while, then things go right back to how they were. I was always afraid he was seeing someone else, or interested in seeing someone else (and he always said I was accusing him), I was afraid. It took me a couple of years to finally see just how much of an issue the drinking was in his life…and he IS one of those Alcoholics whose personality completely changes. I was pushed off of him physically (when trying to be intimate), have been told to eff off, have been told love just isn’t enough anymore…but in all that time and through all that pain, he finally began to “WAKE” up. He came to the realization that he needed to stop drinking. He came to the realization that he changed when he was doing it and that it kept getting worse and worse for him each time he went back out. I gave all I could possibly give to him. He use to say, I’m over everyday, I’m always with you when I’m not at work…what he never seemed to get is that being around and being PRESENT are totally different. His constant leaving us, shutting me out, was truly the only consistent thing he ever showed us. When I was throwing up (stomach flu) for 7 solid hours during one of the last times he was home (for all of 2 months before taking off again), he not once asked me if I was okay or needed anything. And when he’d leave? It was always a HUGE fight that ensued and usually a beer had been bought again, or several, or a 6 pk the weekend before…and when he’d leave, there wasn’t a note, or an explanation, there wasn’t anything these last 5 times, he’d just pack his things, and be gone. No indication of it either. Like this last time, he had literally been intimate with me the night before, told me he loved me that day, said he’d be home that night (as you can imagine I was in a world of FEAR and stress if he was going to take off on us again), and he assured me he’d be home wasn’t going anywhere. Then, a couple hours later, I came home (after not being able to reach him at work) and all of his things were gone, keys left on counter, and a check for rent on the table. I can finally SEE all the patterns…but he DOES make it all about me…and NOW he’s saying that even if he wasn’t drinking, he wouldn’t want to be with me. Do you guys know how badly that hurts? Now he’s in a career position (which I did help him get by accepting him home jobless, broken, drunk) and I supported and encouraged him to take his time and get a career going, not just a job but he also refuses to give me any credit for any of the good things that have happened in his life. He began to sober up after that first month back this last time, but he NEVER sought any help for it or support for it…it was me holding his hand until midnight had passed and stores stopped serving. It was ME telling him he’s got such light in him and a purpose. He began to go to church with me and even began reminding me to go on Sunday morning. His heart was beginning to soften…but of course…my fears and insecurities and worry (from all the leaving done, from all the verbal abuse when being pushed out, from all the physical violence when his rage roared up from having any kind of emotional dealing) kept me “accusing” him in his opinion and insecure as hell. And, of course…a few weeks, like 2, after stopping the drinking, he decided he COULD have a couple beers here and there and then came the weekend before he took off, when he bought a 6 pk. And all I could do was gently remind him of the issues, gently encourage him not to, but just watch…and I KNEW it was all over from there. He said he’s a grown man and can do what he wants. He said there’s nothing wrong with a couple beers every night…and then Saturday night, I took one of the last 2 beers and said I’m going to have the last one so you can’t…of course, he got super mad. He felt so insulted by that because I don’t even like beer and I don’t drink. And it wasn’t but a week after that, the following Friday, that I found him gone once more.

    So now…it’s been 3 months. He’s resigned a new lease with some new younger dude roomie who does not really care if he’s drinking and I of course am looking like the insane ex GF in my pursuit of him.

    I just want him better…but he has told me with no hesitation that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to change, and once more, he’s back to his old self in thinking it isn’t REALLY an issue. And telling me I’m not the love of his life anymore, or who he wants to grow old with…he says he changed his mind. He’s shutting me out. And it’s worse this time than ever in the 4 years. He said we can’t be friends because I always want him as a boyfriend and it just doesn’t work. He’s trying to play it off like some HS romance of infatuation….when the truth is…we are grown adults who have a lease, each has kids, and I at least had genuine love unconditional for him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m def tired of hurting and being shut out, but it’s driving me crazy to be shut out and I’m questioning all I do know about the addiction and I keep turning it inward on myself, on, well, maybe he’s right…maybe I’m really that insecure and bad?

    My counselor has said, he is dead. Without spiritual awakening, growth, we basically are all walking around dead…until we accept Christ into our lives and begin to live for and with a purpose, our true purpose. She told me I’m alive. I have been alive, and I’ve been basically dragging around a dead guy along the way…and it has started to kill me too. She’s told me to stay away. Not make any contact. She’s told me I MUST not place value in what he thinks of me, how he thinks of me. She’s told me I have in fact been abused emotionally, verbally , physically…for years. And the abandoning us like he has, IS a form of emotional abuse. I can’t stop loving this guy. I don’t know what the heck to do. I’m being forced out and it honestly feels worse than all the abuse when he was in our life!!!!!!!

    Please, help me. I know it’s an obsession as much as it is love. His family siblings anyway are drinkers, partiers, and they refuse to deal with it because he comes and goes from their lives too, so when he’s around again, they’re not about to upset the apple cart. His parents HAVE been informed of his issues, and they too, after being shut out then welcomed back in slightly aren’t about to upset that relationship. I’m sick inside. I feel terrible. I miss him like crazy. It wasn’t always bad times. We only had HUGE fights when he was once again choosing to shut us out, push me away. He does have a lease with me here for another year…and so far…I’ve asked him for help each month (which I do need being a single mom), and he has helped at least in part but he keeps saying, i gave you this or that amount, no questions asked, you should be grateful!?! I said to him, really? Grateful? $352.50 is the HALF of rent here, you have not paid that, and it isn’t something you should ask questions about, it IS your obligation. Now he’s saying he will stop helping altogether if I say anything to anyone.

    Just need some help. Am I really this psycho person? Am I the reason for all the fights because of my insecurities? I’m really at my end here and feeling like I’m totally alone in what is happening…and i have no idea what i can do anymore. I believe he is the love of my life…and I don’t want to see him “fall asleep” again. It was so lovely to have him FINALLY present in our lives. Living life with us. Doing things. Being an active participant. I’m devastated.

  • Pez

    Traci, Read through all the posts you can here!! you will hear similar things others have gone through. Your counselor is right. It’s going to be painful, But YOU MUST LET HIM GO! He has made it clear he does not want to be saved (right now) or maybe never. It is devastating, It sucks, you will go through a range of emotions and seek for answers. They are here on this site if you open your eyes to see what is being said. sounds like you have faith. Go to church, get involved, keep yourself busy until time takes care of things and you get back to your own life! You need to break your attachment to this man and work HARD TO DO SO! He will only KEEP hurting you!!! I know it’s hard to see the future right now, but you deserve better. Remember there isn’t just ONE in this life to be with as a mate, we have many choices out there that are better.

  • traci

    Thank you. I just have fallen into this belief that it’s because I didn’t trust him enough, because of my insecurities that he left us…and that somehow, I’m not enough for him….to be told I’m actually not the love of his life, he changed his mind…to be told he just doesn’t want to be with me…after all the waiting, hoping, sacrificing and trying and loving and giving…it feels like I just wasted 4 years of our life. Feels like I never had a friend at all…but i know I was HIS best friend second to his beer. Why is it so easy for them to shut people who love them away? Why does it seem as Amy said, they really truly don’t care who they’ve hurt and actually believe somehow they haven’t hurt anyone?

  • Pez

    Tracy, It’s NOT you. The exact same thing happened to me. His family, his x wife, his kids, all told him if he doesn’t straighten out he’s gonna loose me. His parents told him I have been a good friend and I am a good woman. They also warned him about going back to the other woman that she was dangerous, homeless, desperate, vindictive (she put him in jail!), loose, low-life white trash! When I gave the last ultimatum he went back with her despite Every ones warnings! I also gave my love and life for about that long. All that history was just “thrown away” It’s hurtful but that’s the power of alcohol. This is emotional abuse at it’s worst. Mine also said he didn’t love me at the end–it’s DENIAL. They will believe what supports their addiction. If the getto woman enables him to continue–then “he loves her” and I’m “a pain in the ass” Yet I am the one in reality that really cared and wanted him to get well. Unfortunately, You have to cut your losses and RUN! They KNOW what they have done in moments of sobriety, they just stuff it down quickly, with alcohol if possible, so they don’t have to deal! This is why they have self-hatred, shame, etc….They know down deep who they are what they have become. It gets worse as the disease progresses and the more you tolerate it the more they take advantage of you. So, you have got to have PRIDE and despite your feelings for him, you have to resist. If they want to get sober, and come back for you, I believe a Real change will be very evident. Not just words. They also must prove themselves before you give any more of your life, soul, or body to them. If they don’t understand this, the change is not real. But don’t wait for him, force yourself when ready to at least go on dates to break this obsession.

  • Gabby

    I feel like I was scammed by BF–it was not alcohol to be able to pull off what he did to me–I lost everything. I was scammed out of money, friends, self esteem. I feel like a victim of a con artist not the victim of someone’s alcoholism.

  • Julie

    Gabby you are absolutely allowed to feel that way. I feel that way too. And you know what? They do scam us. How else could they get us to fall for their crap? And to enable them for a long while before we actually realize what is going on? I am just amazed at how they are able to fool everyone around them for so long before the truth is revealed. That is definitely the work of a great con artist.

  • Julie

    But once we have the power of knowledge and understand what is going on we can now take the steps to move from a victim status to helping ourselves break free of the cycle. Try not to focus on the hurt more than need be and feel empowered to changing yourself and making a better life for you despite what your BF has put you through.

  • Pez

    Dear Gabby, Julie & Traci: It is somewhat true we were scammed by the con-artist of alcohol and at sometimes not. It’s complex from what I have witnesses. I know there were times my XAB knew alcoholism was ruining our relationship, that he had the best intentions of quitting-but he couldn’t or wasn’t willing to do the hard work that came with it. I know he wanted me, but also wanted me to accept his weakness of indulging in alcohol and all that came with. He “hoped” I would stay. But the brain twisting denial of this addiction after the ultimatum (2wice) convinced him he no longer loved me and now loves the enabling Getto woman (who put him in jail etc….) is just the reality of how this drug can lie to the user so they can continue! In other words, it’s not all that straight forward. I know if I would have “turned a blind eye” we would still be together and married if I accepted the alcoholism and abuse and all that came with. I could have had him and so could all of you!!! But do you want this life???????? I couldn’t do it–picture myself living with it all for the rest of my life. All for the love of ONE man when there are thousands of good men out there just looking for a woman like me. The more I stayed the worse he got because he kept failing–I saw this and it was time to go! His failiors at quitting lashed around on me out of anger. I knew it would just get worse from here. Unfortunatly, lost love of 4 years which could of been good if he got serious about sobriety has to be let go and I am still fighting in the mind to let go of what could have been. This disease/addiction is relentless to the user. They must hit some bottom that he never reached with me, but I still hope and pray he will in the future even if I am not in the picture. I would be happy to hear he is in recovery then hear he is dead from something related to his addiction, he has kids, that would be tragic.

  • Debbi

    Boy did the last couple of posts here really hit home with me. I too felt scammed and considering that before I married my exA I prayed I was getting a good man this time and prayed for direction so I even feel my higher power scammed me too. In my case it was a family affair. After I was married I found out his sister (not an A mind you)scammed her husband into marrying her telling him the baby she was pregnant with was his-lie. Then along comes an affair on her part with yet another man from her church and pregnant with child number 3 and she has the nerve to name this one after the affair partner (who by the way was a nice married man from her church)and all the while she was running ads in national magazines that she had the lotion to cure cellulite for women and scammed thousands from women. I feel like non-alcoholics aren’t safe, church isn’t safe–who do you trust anymore. It seems to me everyone lies about everything–not just A’s. So boy do I feel scammed too!

  • Rick

    I have read an incredible book, actually listened to it on, several times. It has helped me so much to understand the A actions and addiction. I highly recommend it!!!!
    ‘The Addictive Personality’, by Craig Nakken

  • SC

    Rick, I read an excerpt from the book. Thought I would print this part. Thought I print this part.

    Nearly all human beings have a deep desire to feel happy and to find peace of mind and soul. At times in our lives, most of us find this wholeness of peace and beauty, but then it slips away, only to return at another time. When it leaves us, we feel sadness and even a slight sense of mourning. This is one of the natural cycles of life, and it’s not a cycle we can control.

    To some extent, we can help these cycles along, but for the most part they’re uncontrollable—all of us must go through them. We can either accept these cycles and learn from them or fight them, searching instead for elusive happiness.

    Addiction can be viewed as an attempt to control these uncontrollable cycles. When addicts use a particular object, such as a substance or an event to produce a desired mood change, they believe they can control these cycles, and at first they can. Addiction, on its most basic level, is an attempt to control and fulfill this desire for happiness.

  • Rick

    Thanks SC,
    I can’t say enough good things about the book. It really puts things in perspective.
    If I win the lottery I’ll give them to lots of people!!

  • SC

    This makes alot of sense. My xah was always running of feelings. If I would talk to him about our relationship…he would get mad and act like I was a crazy woman. He would also say, this is not going to work out, we are on two different planes. I (he) see the glass half full and you see it half empty. Must be a wine glass.

  • SC

    All, sorry for typos.

  • shirley

    Today is my first day. 20 years of abuse, chaos….I am looking forward to some peace. There is no way to win. They pick the fights to justify the drinking. No feelings for what they do to the people around them….PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome…why did I waste so much time on this…I don’t know. But I am moving on.

  • Judy

    My Husband is now sober 6 months October 6 He’s madly in love with a fellow addict although his vice is alcohol she has additional addictions to oxy and pot. They have had minimal time with one another he has bought her flowers cigarettes given her $120 for drugs and helped pay part of a recent shopping trip cause she Ran out of money. You an call it his unemployment money or my overtime money but either way they are selfishly taking from his family!!! He has a big job interview today and once he gets working he plans to get a place move out and start dating her. She sadly has a 12 year old! After 25 years of marriage I am totally brought to my knees how registary get this disease is!!! Drinking is but one small portion of this disease Works by on My life and my children’s life. He in them make these 28 years with this toxic life all worth it We will let him move on sadly he isn’t dealing with his addiction she is now his drug of choice Antabuse has kept him sober I fear for his future I do love him but he is not a person I know anymore

  • annette

    I have had enough of my alcoholic and crack addicted husband. And I’m planning on divorcing him. He just got another job today, he has had a hard time keeping jobs. But I want to tell him I want out if our 8 month marriage. How do I do it? I am going to be honest. Annette

  • Nance

    I admire your strength to leave a destructive relationship.
    I have been involved with an alcoholic and crack addicted man for six years.
    I made him leave my home in December 2014, but I still feel sad and I did it I think so he would seek recovery.
    That did not work. He has even been arrested twice since then, and in jail, and lost his vehicle and license, but nothing seems to make him think maybe he should try to be that man who does not drink or drug and his life would go better.
    I have wasted years of my life waiting for him to be the clean lovely man I met!
    You are a wise woman.

  • I have been in a sick relationship for 10 years. It has run its course. I’m mentally done. The alcoholic is still in my house but NOT in my heart, my dreams, my spirit, or my future. Keep marching forward. It is a battle. Do not give up your life that God gave you. Your life does not belong to the sick alcoholic. We were not put on this earth to be controlled by the devil, and the alcoholuc is working for the devil.

  • Connie

    I stayed with my husband for 32 years. He was doing meth & booze for over 20 years. He recently decided he was in love with a 20 year old hooker (he is almost 60) & I made him leave, finally, he returned & out of the blue I was sitting on the couch watching TV we were not even in a fight & he walked in & started calling me names & hit me in the face with a beer bottle & I had to fight to get away from him & I finally did with blood everywhere & a gash in my forehead I got to the store down the street & they called an ambulance & police. They stitch up my face & I go home & I’m devastated. He came back a few days later & came in the house & told me his relationship with the 20 year old was a mistake. He drives truck & he slept on the couch & left in the morning. I live in California & he was arrested for felony spousal abuse in Ohio. He is currently in jail & clean & sober & sorry & embarrassed. I have never been able to leave him before, but for the 1st time I don’t want him to come back. The doctors told me I was lucky I’m not dead. I have PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, Chronic Depression & currently have been laid off my job (stress). Why did I do this to myself? I’m sober 37 years myself so I get it, but not the violence. I hope I can go through with him staying away from me. I figure if God can keep me sober 37 years He can surly keep me away from my husband.

  • Pez

    Connie, this is the real probability as the addict progresses in the disease for so many years! They CHANGE! And the abuse can get worse and worse. There is NO guarantee with an addict!! you stay, you risk this kind of ending or worse! An example for those who try to stay and save them. Let them save themselves, and YOU save your own self!!!

  • Shelly

    I’m the pessimistic one, but it was Rob screaming at me at 2 am because he needed more beer. He knows they don’t sell it after midnight.

  • Shelly

    It’s a very long story. JC, I’ll send it to your mailing address. I love this link. It’s helping me realize I am not alone. I’m not crazy like he says, just sober. It’s still brings me to tears and I wanna run but I’m broke because supporting myself and the addict. But every story has its beginning characters, chapters and ending. It’s life. I shall carry on.

  • But, every story is the same you want to continue to be a main character.. slide off of that roller coaster a little at a time. Don’t look back. Help is all around you.
    Bless you.

  • I always battered this question around in my head. They don’t care when their drunk anyway.. a councillor said to me once “what do you think your wife is thinking of when see is hurting you when she is drinking” nothing he said.. I used to think something was going to come from her been like this.. I am hurting my family so much “I am going to stop”..well it never happens.. it’s called ‘supply and demand'(that’s sl their thinking about’the next drink)… my wife has fallen on her head four times.. 1: a bang,2: stitches on her chin..3: down the stairs,in hospital for a month with a brain hemorrhage, 48 hours to go either way, got the last rytes and spent a month in hospital.. when she came through she was a different person (a different personality) while she was in there she still gave me hassles and stress… she had one think on her mind.. that was drink.. she wanted me to smuggle in drink to the hospital.. she was more concerned about alcohol then her 4 kids… she has had seizures since..4:the last time she spent there days in hospital..this time they found she had a mild cardiac issue.. she got scared and I said love “you have being burning the candle at both ends for far to long now” she said I will go to counciling” and she did, my councilor.. and just after getting to know her and was starting to bring up drinking issues.. she left.. plus hospital could not pinpoint heart issue..she was supposed to get a loop detector installed.. no she decided not to and gave herself the all clear…plus medication for her heart and head she never took em.. why..”she was afraid to.. I read the med incerts ‘ not to be taken with alcohol’ if an alcoholic does not feel hurt for herself and is worried about dieing when an accident happens but contines drinking… ‘why would she feel hurt for other people’..

  • Shelly

    I’m hoping I feel normal soon. It’s been 16 days since I’ve seen him. I’m slowly becoming me again. I’m finding myself sewing again. I do miss Rob. He wasn’t always so, um, drunken rude. It’s not my fault the offshore oil industry went to the pits this year.

  • AM

    This is a great website……i am sorry but it is so painful. u truly care about someone for years bring them from rags to riches and they drop you. I ask you who does this? This is not the person I thought I knew. But he has burnt soooo many bridges and has alienated half the world. Prayer helps but they don’t realize they turn peoples lives upside down. Don’t get mad, get even. Funny they don’t care who they hurt… greedy POS.

  • My alcoholic is on night number 4 of
    Screaming, crying, falling,blaming, he got another job that gives him cash every day. Hurray…he can be drunk everyday now.
    What a waste.
    If u can run from the selfish alcoholic… yourself. Its like being in jail. They capture you and destroy your self asteem.

  • Shelly

    Drunks are like toddlers. I learned long ago when a two year old is throwing a fit, record them. The next time they’re throwing a fit, play the audio. They’ll hear it and stop. I don’t know how many people have heard from a drunk ” you’re a GD liar when you tell them about their behavior in their drunkard stupidness. But I’ll tell you this, you record them cussing you out, they can no longer call you a liar. They can listen to themselves, and it makes them think how rude they truly are. They’ll ban you from their life after that and that’s ok. I did that. And it’s ok. I’ve actually got money this month. They’re abusive and need no special treatment. Alcoholism is no excuse for bad behavior.

  • Laurie

    I wasnt going to respond but then i saw the comment above from Shelly. I can only share my experience on what Shelly said to do. In my experience when recording an alcoholic and then showed them their behaviour it had a very different ending, You can not change an alcoholic by just simply showing them a recording of themselves that is insane!!

    If you do the above suggested by Shelly this is the the most likely outcome. The alcoholic is going to blame it all on you. He is going to feel violated, He is going to feel uncomfortable and this is acutally confronting and punishing a person who has a disease and is sick. An argument will occur and it wont be the alcoholics fault.

    Why punish someone who is already punishing themselves enough, Why Punish someone for being sick? Noone chooses to be an alcoholic or addict. it may have started with a choice that lead to a disease once the person could no longer control their intake.

    I would suggest everyone affected by someone else’s addiction to seek a family support group via Al-Anon. In these meetiongs you will find compassion, understanding, knowledge and tools to help you cope and move forward with your own journey. The change does not begin with the alcoholic, it begins with us.
    We have some misconception that when they get sober life is all pink fluffy clouds, unicorns and happily ever after. That is delusional. Life is full of problems. there are problems in active drinking, there are problems in sobriety and there is problems in life.

    So what is the solution?

    The solution is finding something that works for us, not the alcoholic.

    1) Read everything you can on this site. educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism so you can better understand your loved one.

    2) take up a new hobby.

    3) Try meetings via Al-Anon

    4) get out more. Don’t isolate.

    5) Journal.

    6) Don’t overthink

    7) Focus on yourself. We don’t know ourselves very well because we spend all our time focusing on our loved one. who are you?

    8) Pratice self care. No it is not selfish.

    9) Educate yourself on codependency.

    10) Learn that worry is a waste of time it changes nothing. Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives us something to do but gets us nowhere.

    11) Learn how to detach with love. JC has it on this site.

    12) Set some personal boundaries. these boundaries are a line in the sand for us, things we wont do. We cant control another person so to set boundaries for someone else expecting them to follow them and than they dont… leads to resentments. They are not to punish the alcoholic, they are to protect us and promote self respect.

    13) Educate yourself on enabling. Again JC has no end of articles on this.

    14)Learn the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

    You didn’t cause it
    you cant control it
    you cant cure it
    you are important
    you are not alone
    you matter

    If you require support your welcome to join my closed private group via Facebook. This is the last link I will be posting on this site. The group is for anyone affected by someone else’s addiction.

    I would like to take this time to thank JC for all his hard work on keeping this site going, it helps so many people.

  • Shelly

    He chooses to drink. He is responsible for self. I’ve recorded him ten times. Yeah he feels embarrassed but so. He goes 30 days at a time without touching a drop. As soon as he gets into the neighborhood from being off shore he throws up. Then he gets beer and it doesn’t stop until four days before he heads back off shore. He needs to feel embarrassed. Remember, he’s responsible for self. If alcoholic shouldn’t be held account for their wrong doings, then would you please tell the judge to let the alcoholics out of prison because maybe they shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions while drunk which got them there in the first place.
    I’m glad it hurt his feelings. Making people walk on egg shells so not to offend the drunk is silly.

  • Shelly

    Everybody is so worried about hurting a drunks feelings. They’re drunk. They have no feelings. They choose to drink. They can say no. They choose to drink. Just like they choose to do anything else. It’s a choice. Nobody forces them to drink except themselves. There are consequences for every behavior. I use to drink myself. Why did I stop? Because waking up in a bath of cold water sucked. My husband did that for me. To me it wasn’t worth that chill. Tough love helps.

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