JC: Thanks Danni for your story. I hope your husband can stay sober. You have placed a serious demand on yourself, your husband and marriage. Here are a couple of ideas:
- Although you have set an ultimatum in place, you have the right to change your mind.
- Getting involved in Al-anon will be helpful in many areas of your life other than just coping with your alcoholic spouse.
- Learning how to love an alcoholic without conditions will help in every situation you find yourself up against.
Submitted By: Danni
My story is somewhat different from those I have read. My husband is an alcoholic and I suppose he has always been, however we are retired and he has all the time in the world to drink now. Through the Grace of God we have never suffered from financial difficulties since we were newly weds 35 years ago. Even though he gets falling down drunk most days, he has never paid a bill late nor borrowed money. He is not a mean drunk unless I provoke an argument and then he gets pretty foul. He is not violent.
I have learned to follow JC’s advice of keeping my distance and keeping calm. The situation has become more difficult because we are Americans living in Europe. We live in beautiful Croatia where we own two beautiful homes, one on the sea and one in the mountains with panoramic sea views.
We have luxury cars and everything we have is paid for. Sounds like a charmed life? I would rather do without all this in order for this sweet-when-sober man to stop the madness. Unfortunately we live in a country that really doesn’t know how to deal with alcoholics. He has been in a treatment facility, we have attend what passes for AA meetings for years. There the drinkers and spouses are encouraged to chastise the drinker instead of giving support.
Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.
Friends, knowing his problem, insist he have a drink at their homes. “Danni, it’s just a beer.” He just celebrated his 60th birthday and all his gifts were bottles of wine. So you see that this situation is pretty impossible. He is in therapy now with a good psychiatrist who has been of immense help for me as well. Everything was better when he started and then I guess some old wounds surfaced and then he was worse. The doctor will not see him again unless he stays sober for several days.
Yesterday he was sober because I had him arrested for domestic violence. He was really drunk and he was in bed and when I neared the bed he kicked me on the cheek. This was some sort of reflex, but I took the opportunity to get the police here. The do not come just for a drunken man…he must be a danger to himself and others. That same day he scraped his Mercedes against a wall so I knew it was time. He has driven drunk more often lately. I hide the keys most of the time. I contacted the Dr. and he spoke to the police and asked them to take him to the hospital instead of jail because he had also taken too many muscle relaxers on top of the booze.
As I said, the policy here is not really to help the alcoholic so off to jail he went to spend the night. Sunday morning we both had to go before the judge and he was released with a significant fine and charged an extra $40 for his stay in Casa Clink which had no toilet or sink. So after we returned home I told him that if he has one more drink I will get an attorney to file for divorce and force him to sell our property so I can return home to America. I cannot sell anything with out his approval. This is the first real threat I have made and I am deadly serious.
To make matters worse we are expecting our 16 year old grandson in a couple weeks, visiting from California. I cannot have him witness his grandfather in this state. We were in America for 3 weeks last Christmas and my husband didn’t have one drink and we and the kids and grands had the best time. Our summer this year is filed with visiting friends and family…So today he is sober and said he is frightened now with the jail experience and knowing that I am serious about leaving. As you all know, promises are empty. He absolutely means it when he says it, but the allure of alcohol is stronger than he or I. I don’t want to be forced to leave this beautiful country which I love so much. I am totally cut off from family back home and without a partner there is no point.
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This is the same situation I and my mom face. Just a day ago we got attacked by our alcoholic Dad. We are planning separation with out divorce because of the violence.
Croatia is beautiful, my first thought, stick it out. Just joking. You know, never say you will do something and not back it up.
Danni,
Never say you will do something and not back it up. A therapist told me this 20 years ago. Just passing it on.
Understanding alcoholism has helped me the most.
I have tried to pass on the links but the site said it was to spammie. So I guess, I will give titles only.
The Psychological Progression of Alcoholism
By Dr. Milam
Alcoholism-and-Marriage By Dr. Neil
Truth About Alcoholics By David J Carey
Frontal Lobes Brain Functions
Alcohol and Personality 123helpme.com
This was written by an A (always good to hear what the A thinks about self)
Six Things You Need To Know To Stay Sober
If your commitment to him was “in sickness and in health”, stick by him. He needs to know how serious you are about his recovery, but not at the expense of the relationship. Divorcing parents use this approach with their children, threatening to keep them from the other spouse. Instead of worrying about how your grandchildren will feel being around a drunk grandfather, why not go to the states to visit them by yourself?
Danni,
This is not the man that you married.
You are living with more stress than it is humanly possible to deal with.
Your health will begin to fail (if it hasn’t already), and a “nervous
breakdown” in a country that is not your own is not a path you need to travel.
In the emergency instructions on airplanes, it says to put your own oxygen mask
on first, then you are able to put masks on children, others who are unable to do
it themselves. Same principle here, Danni.
Go home to America. Find some excellent, world-class help there for your husband.
Then you can bring him home and straight into rehab.
Forget about the money and the worldly goods. This is your very lives we are talking
about!
Love, hugs, and please attend to yourself first!
Lots of love
nellie
In sickness and in health, a covenant before God.
How does one deal with someone who refuses to stop?
For me it is too late to go back.
I wish had known about this addiction (not a disease).
Had I known what I know now, I would not have gotten married one year ago.
I was married before and that didn’t work out do to us not willing to put each other first.
There weren’t any drinking issues.
Now I tried to do the right thing and alcoholism surprised me.
I was told it was in the past and believed it.
The truth is, it never will go away. Never.
My advice is to always love the alcoholic but NEVER marry one.
It will turn your life into one of complete misery and suspicion.
“For better or for worse,” but being tested so soon is tough?
It’s be better for you both if you just ‘agree’ to move back to the USA. I would do that first and arrange to settle your affairs in that country. The reason would be for more access to real help for his alcoholism. USA is pretty nice, you could find a home here in a nice area. I would move before trying to attempt to get a divorce in a foreign country where you can’t sell anything without your husband’s permission. Seems that could go badly for you ‘in so many ways.’ Get back to USA and then see if you can work it out.
They are all different but yet all alike.
You could not tell my xah was drunk. He did not talk or walk like he was drunk, did not drive if he was drinking, did not call me names etc… But he blamed and criticized me.
He acted like I was the problem in our relationship and just made him unhappy. It has taken away alot of my self esteem, which at one time I did feel good about myself. I have been away from him for 1 1/2 years and still struggle. They hurt so many people.
I tell people do not ever get involved with
an alcoholic. It’s a very strange illness.
They hurt other people and then leave and go and hurt the next person.
All that I have read tells us to run if we find we are dating an alcoholic. I was fooled by one – he hid his drinking until we were involved for more than 2 years. He had a beer with breakfast – it got to be round the clock after that.
The alcoholic personality does not leave when they get sober.
I agree that you should come back to the U.S., and try to get your husband in a program to get sober. If he continues to drink, your life will be centered around him and you will lose yourself in the process.
You need professionals to help you – this is your only life and it will be hell if you don’t get your AH straightened out.
Danni:
Re-read the posts from Nellie, Deb & Coreen. You could put yourself in a very bad position trying to divorce outside of the US & you have said in your comment there is no available help for A’s where you are. So please come back to the US first.
You are brave to give the ultimatum–many of us learn that too late. So you are strong and being completely honest with your husband what his drinking does to you and how you wish to proceed. You are smart because you learned quickly about keeping calm and keeping your distance and also when to call in authorities. It is a difficult situation because your heart wants your husband back–the one he was before & maybe that is possible but to protect yourself–please do that in your own country where you can have the support of friends and family. Don’t back down from the ultimatum but tell him you will return to US & hope he will come with you. my ((Hugs)) to you–stay strong!
SC:
I could have written your post–My ex A like yours: could not tell he was drunk, did not drive drunk but blamed criticized me and told everyone horrendous lies about me. People believed him over me–even the ones who knew me. I too struggle with my recovery. In my case I believe that 9 months now after divorce he is still finding ways to harass me but very covertly. So I too tell people not to get involved with addicts or to get away quickly if an ultimatum does not work. My heart goes out to you because I feel your exact pain. ((Hugs to You))
Thanks to all of you for your kind, supportive comments. I am so surprised that JC added the part about Alanon when I already noted that there is not even a proper AA here. I am determined to have a great summer. Besides my grandson visiting, we will have many groups of guests from America through September. I am currently staying at my house at the sea alone for a week. He is at the other house. He is trying to get himself together. It is peaceful without him and I am renewing my friendships with girlfriends here. Special thanks to Debbi for her kindness.
Danni, I am sorry for not making the connection with AA and Al-anon.
I hope you are enjoying your time away. I know that when I was living within the battle field of alcoholism, getting away really helped me to regain inner strength. For me it was a great time to connect with God as I disconnected from the insanity.
I applaud you for your dedication to your husband and family through the years Danni. It speaks volumes about your character, morals and level of commitment to your husband. So many people take marriage as a light thing, obviously you don’t. I’m sure you will make the right choices for self.
What a wonderful thing to be able to get a way to the house at the sea. I just returned from staying on Panama City Beach Fl. for a few days. I have returned home refreshed, renewed and with a new attitude on life.
Hello everyone,
It’s been six months since I left my Alcoholic/Addict, and it’s stories like these that help me keep my resolve. I realize now that I was and still am addicted to him — to the good times and the fantasy of what COULD be — if only he would stop using crack and drinking whiskey (and divorce his wife, stop being so jealous, quit lying, eliminate the guilt trips, etc.).
Deep down I know that while I love Dr. Jekyll, I despise Mr. Hyde, yet they are one and the same man, forever intertwined. Without determined perseverance as well as psychological and spiritual help, Mr. Hyde will always return to terrorize me. That’s why I continue to live alone, even though I’m flat broke, lonely, frustrated and in need of a “handyman” for multiple house and car repairs.
Both my parents are alcoholics. As a result, it seems, I have a subconscious attraction to men with addictions. Every man I’ve ever dated as had some sort of addiction. I’ve attended Alanon for 10+ years, I’ve been in therapy all my adult life, and I just started studying the Bible.
Is there any way to stop the cycle of falling inlove with these types of men? As other people have stated, they often don’t appear to have addictions until two years have gone by and I’m already enmeshed!
Thanks for letting me share these thoughts. Thanks JC for providing this forum! Good luck in love to everyone! 🙂
Danni: only you know what you have gone thru>>>if you are completely sick of it and have hit the rock bottom….way past any other time you thought you were there….then I believe you are left with deciding to save yourself so that you can enjoy your grandchildren in an alcoholic free life and environment. Once you are there,,,,you know that there is no more time left for anything else to happen…when you know in your heart that they will always screw up a family plan or special event and you have used up all your mulligans, do-overs, chances, breaks, hall passes and countless other excuses or forgiving times. If I was you and I really hit that kind of rock bottom then you will know it is time to leave and abandon the ship. When that time comes, just leave as soon as possible and get back to the USA. Get away…and see what lies ahead. Save yourself. Your grandchildren need you to be healthy and happy.
I know, I am going through a similar situation. I didn’t realize I was with a real die-hard binge-drinking payday alcoholic until about year 2. I’ve kicked him out for various reasons…4 times in 5 years and I regret every time we got back together until the next scenario. He’s been very tricky to get back into my life, and I have made mistakes in falling for every story or bad luck situation like: Getting a phone call in the middle of the night from the hospital to this>>”I’m in Emergency I’m not going to make it, please come…”; Another time, thinking we could be civil about a split>>> While with me for a simple meal…I fell for another sob story…he gets a call in front of my eyes and ears and BAM ! he’s been kicked out from his new place where he moved to and has no other place to go…My mistakes were going to the hospital and answering the phone and not saying NO !~
I gave him a final warning and ultimatum before he screwed up a special time I had planned for my little grandchildren. I am completely done, hit beyond rock bottom!~ I have not been able to count on him for anything. I do not want to goto Al Anon because I really do not care. I have finally learned my lessons in life on this last round. I have chosen my life, my happiness and my grandchildren are most important to me. I need to get out and get my life back instead of wasting any more of my time listening to all the lies about how they want to stop and they will go to AA…it only lasts a short time; go to a few meetings for a few months then fall off again…I finally know that it is time for me to move on and live my life the way I want it to be…and that is Alcoholic Free.
You will know your rock bottom, when it’s time to save yourself. When the money doesn’t matter…when your life and happiness is more important to you than anything else. Blessings to you and all the best in your journey !~!
Amen Bonnie! Well Said. WE have a life too and it is just as important to God as the A’s. God does not wish you to stay if you are being emotionally effected and damaged. If you can handle it without damage to yourself–Then stay if you wish.
Hear, Hear! Bonnie! I hear some of the exact things that happend in my relationship. Now you are focusing on you and your grandchildren and living a valuable life. I agree and I am in the same boat. I am focusing on me and my children. It is unfair to expect any of us after what we have been thru with the chances and the mulligans as you put it to ask us to try one more time when my ex-AH behavior has not changed at all. Words and promises from a liar are something i am no longer willing to allow myself to grab on to for false hope. Danni if you really want to help your husband, you must realize that he needs to want to help himself and not help himself to another drink.
Danni, kept doing what your doing. I left almost 2 yrs ago but we have a lakehouse & I too told him if you drink one drop & I do mean one drop we will never get back together again. And I’m sorry but alanon didn’t help me. I really felt like they just what you to live with it. And never again will I live that way. My husband is really doing better but I had to let him see himself first. Now I’m not saying that this will work on everyone. But I I had to do something. He was killing himself & taking me with him. Stay firm to your comitment & don’t go back on what you say or all is lost. Marilyn
Danni and Friends,
Just a follow-up note to let you know that I am finally Alcoholic Free, Happy and Enjoying life. I can study all I want without interruptions about food or unnecessary questions, I can visit my grandchildren, they can visit anytime, I don’t have to worry that someone has beer breath or has a crappy day (every day) to whine and complain about at any time. I even enjoy my gym work-outs even more….I love it!~!~ It took me this last year to really accept the facts that he would never change, I wasted enough time on this one to last a lifetime…been there done that, got the T-Shirt, finally Free to be Me. I never needed al-anon becasue I realized you had to care and want to be with an alcoholic the rest of your days… I knew I didn’t want that…it was realizing that an Alcoholic is always an Alcoholic and that they can fall off the wagon at any time…(most likely that would be when you need them to be sober); this site is what really helped me to stop falling into those games they play (pressing my hot buttons, me getting worried about him and getting mad at him) and most of all I learned by reading other women’s stories. I also learned when I made a vision board, I had all the things that he just could not do and would never do, we were not meant to be together for a lifetime and I did learn a few things in the past 4.5 years, so it wasn’t a complete waste of time. In the past year I had to do more positive affirmations and praying than I ever did before, to overcome the negative and nastiness that came from him. Thought you ladies might like to hear about how it feels to be free and to enjoy life…simple things without any whining and complaining to start and end the day…. Blessings to all, there is a better life…I am a bit short on the cash…but I can stay home now and save my gas…I don’t have to leave home to have my space, I can enjoy home in peace and talk on the phone or visit friends and family as needed…I would like to get a Siamese cat…I always said, “Frankly, I’d rather have a cat !~!” Love and Light, Peace…thanks for this site…it helped me to save myself!~!
Bonnie–Congratulations to you and well deserved. I too finally after 13 years am enjoying the peace in my home and just said that to myself yesterday–first time in a long time it is quiet and no drama! I spent 20 years with this person so I still am battling my depression over the abuse he caused me but you are right–it is peaceful after they leave! Keep posting & encouraging others–you are a great example.
I have given my husband so many chances to stop drinking and for the past 2 years every time he would blame me but at the same time tell me I am sorry and didn’t mean to physically hurt you!My husband sometimes is a happy drunk but if you say the wrong thing and piss him off he turns into a monster. 10 months ago almost to the day he got a DUI in our family car and hasn’t even went to court for it. He knows how I feel but still keeps drinking. I have finally tossed him out of our home on July 8, 2013 and told him he is to never return unless he is done and will get help. To the best of my knowledge he is holed up in a hotel room drinking his life away as I type this. The few times I have spoken to him, he has stated that drinking isn’t a problem and he isn’t ever going to quit! I should add he doesn’t drink every day… I mean he suprises me with his drunken stoopers. Rite out of the blue and is always my fault. I am absolutely crushed, heart broken, Zero self esteem and as if that isn’t enough I still want him back. My mind says goodbye but my heart feels sorry for him and I so wish he could stay sobor.
Trish:
Hang in there–if he was physically abusing you, you did absolutely the right thing–you set a boundary and told him he must leave if he doesn’t quit drinking–he didn’t quit–you enforced your boundary–you have the right as a person and a wife to expect to be treated with respect in your home and enforce the consequences you just did for violating your rights. I absolutely understand why now you are crushed and heart broken–you love him and it hurts but do not think you did the wrong thing. I so know that 2nd guessing and I know what it’s like to have your self esteem be at zero. Most of the loss of your self esteem came from years of you tolerating this. Please try to keep from contacting him right now because when you are in that state you are very likely to go back on your resolve not to let him in your life until he quits. You’re very fragile right now. So, call friends family. . .do something when you have the urge to call him right now. He needs to see you are not backing down this time. You did the right thing–you were protecting yourself. It will get easier and better no matter what the outcome.
Wonderful site. Haven’t posted before Married 34yrs to an alcoholic with a third secret love always present. TENNANTS. SUPER LAGER A teacher for 35yrs bringing up 2 sons virtually on my own as he wheeled and dealed 7days a week as a builder often off the job drinking and driving. He has always socilally but I only found out extent of his secret drinking of strong lager some 5 yrs ago. He has been to rehab and AA but has caused havoc Just nursed him through hip replacement but as soon as consultant told him he could drive he started his secret drinking. At moment he is in AA meeting but I know it’s an excuse to his supplies. Next birthday I m 65 Where can Ifind strength to leave him once and for all without being afraid of a lonely future. He didnt drink 6 wks in bed with the hip Is this a case of he won’t give up alcohol rather than he can’t. Please help with advice
Hi Maggie:
I understand about only finding out about the secret drinking a long time after it was going on because some hide it very well. Your AH must have known he had a problem if he went to rehab & AA–mine never sought any help. I don’t know his age but you might want to look up necrosis–disease where the bone dies, normally caused by drinking and tends to usually be the hips so his drinking may have been increasing long before you saw it. Please know that alcoholics can and will temporarily give up drinking if forced to or if it’s to obtain something they want. That does not mean they are cured or in recovery. If you truly wish to leave him, you will find the strength. I am just now divorced for one year after 16 years of marriage & I am still reeling over all the lies, manipulation and hurt he caused me. So, if you make that decision to leave get everything ready first including your mental state because it will be an even bigger roller coaster ride than living with him was. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks so much Debbie for such helpful insight. Would you please tell me why you feel being on your own is a greater roller coaster than when u lived with your AH? I constantly wish his addiction to strong lager would end especially when the little glimmer of hope is there But he is now 68yrs and secret drinking is the norm for him He has a son who cannot bear to be in his company for minutes because of his lies and the number of chances he has given him. However 99/100 people would support this pillar of society who would do anything for anyone. They would believe that my son and I were to blame for forcing him into the situation of having to secretly drink. Don’t you feel that every day is a struggle to get though. Kind thoughts to u all
Maggie:
Divorcing/Leaving anyone is tough in normal circumstances but with the A it becomes horrible. The A’s are used to manipulating and yours if you decide to leave will do that to keep you around–he will go back & forth & blame you for everything & then says he loves you the next. Everyone saw mine for the nice guy while he was telling horrible lies to his family about me to cover up his secrets: drinking, gambling, use of prostitutes, affairs. I am still reeling because once the divorce started was when I found out about most of this because we did in-house separation and when he realized I was not backing down he took it to extremes: stealing my mail & other items, blatantly talking to other women & the list goes on. I ended up spending my evenings at picnic table at work, safe house, friends house until late & then just coming in & going to bed. The night before our court date I heard him get up go out at 10:30 PM, roll back in at 1:30 AM, kill the power to the house then put back on. . so my alarm would not go off & I would be late for my own divorce. Expect the worse so be prepared, seek advice from attorney so you know your financial status if that is the route you are going to take. I now suffer depression because when it started I faced a major illness & divorce left me with no insurance & he bailed when this diagnosis came out. You may only have your son as support if others don’t see it.
Thanks Debbie. I’m sending healing thoughts to you. Can anyone in the forum give me advice from an outsiders point of view please. I’m 64 a retired teacher 2 married sons and 3grandchildren 2only 6mths old My 68 yr AH is a self employed builder who insists he will never give up–mainly because of freedom it gives him. Social drinking has not been a great problem in 34yrs of marriage but secret drinking of strong lager in daytime as caused untold stress. The nasty rows police involvement when he runs away from confrontation has caused major rifts in the family The number of chances he has been given to stop drinking strong lager can’t be counted Hour after hour spent by family talking to him makes no difference. Mental bullying is something he excels at continually asking. Am I such a bad person? He has told his son to go his own way and he will go his. We have money through all our years of work and live in a very large house. Alongside we are building dormer bungalow to move into when we are ready My brother. Sister sons all live in a mile radius. If I end the marriage where do I live as I wouldn’t want to be near him and I would be a social outcast as people think so much of him. Have u heard the saying An angel outside and a devil in the house. Please help as I can’t see the wood for the trees
Dear Maggie,
I’m not sure this is good advice, but I can present it as an idea. Make a separate life for yourself apart from your husband. Create a separate bank account, find friends to go traveling with, visit your relatives who live far away and use (his) money to fund your trip. Come up with excuses for frequent trips. Go to a doctor for ‘specialized’ treatment which require you to spend a month at a Spa, or perhaps some kind of Facility for 90 days (on his dime). He will likely not live too long if he is drinking as much as he is. So, you do what you need to do to take great care of your health. Go to doctors now and get everything tested and if anything is wrong (on his dime) get it fixed.
In the meantime, treat him as you always have. Get yourself into good physical shape. I would plan on spending ‘his retirement’ money after he dies from all the drinking. While you are waiting for him to die, make sure you are super healthy and prepare to enjoy life after him.
Thanks Debbie you put a smile on my face first thing this morning after a horrendous previous evening listening to alcohol threats and nonsense. God bless you
I have been married to an alcoholic for just over one year. I never knew how alcoholism worked. I thought it was a matter of just not keeping alcohol around. I never knew about the secrets and the lying. The mistrust. I mean total mistrust. I believe nothing she tells me. Even if she sats she like the dinner we had, I don;t believe her. I don’t trust anything about her. Married life is a life of stress and regret. I read the stories here and fantasize about the peace I could have had, had I never married her.
I got out of work at 6:30am. That day, we wen to church and her breath smelled of alcohol.
She had been drinking that night and I know it, because the bedroom door was locked. It never is locked.
So when I unlocked it with a pin, she covered up her face and said she had locked it because she was in the bathroom and wanted privacy, Really? That was the best excuse she could muster?
How do I deal with regretting my marriage?
This is by far the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life and I cannot get out of it.
How do you deal with loving someone so dearly and at the same time never, ever wanting to be with them again?
Just admitting this hurts.
Hi mike. Were u aware of any drink problem before u got married or did she secretly drink carefully hiding the fact ? Dealing with the stress as soon as u wake up is a dreadful daily occurrence and I can tell u there’s no reprieve unless she wants to change. You cannot control her secret drinking—I’ve tried for years. ——inside the house even hidden in suspended ceilings. Outside the house in cavity brick walls up trees behind fences. Everywhere. The ball is entirely in her court Yes alongside lies and deceit comes your lack of respect for her creating a wide rift. My thoughts are with u.
Yes. I knew all about it.
What I didn’t know was how much lying accompanied the drinking.
I thought drinking was just a physical dilemma.
I thought the person was honest and sincere, but merely had a physical desire for alcohol.
I had no clue alcoholism also included what it did,
The lying accompanies everything in the drinker’s life.
Even my step-daughter thought I knew the whole time.
I told her that a year of sobriety was needed before we even thought of getting married.
Pastor’s, doctor’s all said that was what was needed to show she would stop.
She too, assured me of that. I found out after marriage, that the whole thing was a lie.
I can tell you now, after that fact, I will steer away every person away from marrying an alcoholic.
No matter what the circumstance, I now know to never trust the drinker. NEVER.
If I could go back in time, just 18 months, I would still be a single man today.
I know now that it is all in her court.
It is all her choosing. I just cannot see this marriage lasting long.
Once my step-daughter is has moved out and started her life, I can see myself leaving.
The sad art is, my step-daughter will know why I will be leaving.
She, herself, wants to leave and she is only 16.
In a scary way, I am already planning it in the back on my mind.
It is the lying that I cannot take anymore.
My wife’s past included being molested many times, and I have tried to see past that.
I have prayed for her, seen therapist with her, but what she does is all about how she has set her life to be.
I know she wants to drink becaeu it is how she has learned to deal with things.
She has lied to herself so long, she thinks her weak excuses fool me.
They don’t.
Unfortunately, when I got married and started living to together, I saw all her BS stories start to fall apart.
It is almost comical.
Then there are those who say that it was all my fault knowing she was a drinker already.
That kind of thinking is the same inability to take accountability for oneself.
Why I am blamed for falling for her lies?
The different is, she promised it was all in her past.
Why is it my fault for trusting her? I never knew the details about alcoholism.
Mike, the hearltess people who say it is your fault for falling for her lies are just enabliing her like anyone else who never makes an addict take respoonsibility for oneself. So you are not a bad person in any way for falling for her. I fell for my ex ah and am dealing with the same condemnation from his family as they pay for everything for him and allow him to live with them drinking and slowly dying because they just don’t want to deal with his addiction or face it. Yet i remember when he was married ot meand living with me and the children how his father blamed me for his drinking and now that he is living with his father he still drinks? Yet his father still puts all the blame on me. Unbelievable. Anyhow it does not matter what people like that say. Surround yourself with people who understand the reality of your situation and who can listen or make suggestions without judging or blaming you. It sounds from what you said that you tried to do everything right and to follow your heart. But you were deceived and now you are looking for the right way to handle the situation you are in. Go to Alanon (or a similar program) or the church and have faith. We on this site will offer any advice from our experience too. God Bless and remember knowledge is power. Learn as much as you can about addiction, alcoholism and abuse. Knowledge helped me to see reality and to take steps to break free. Saying a prayer for you and your wife.
Thank you Julie.
Julie, had I not faith in the Lord, I would be out of this as fast as I can hit the Submit Comment button.
It is just becoming so discouraging to see what could have been so wonderful, start turning into crap.
I cannot fix anyone and what I see coming is her actions ruining her daughter’s life, if it has not already.
I was told that it is the reason I am in her life. To give the daughter some hope in others and to show her to stay strong.
I keep on that thought. I pray for strength and guidance.
Dear Mike,
If you are the main provider in the home,would it be practical to attempt to call the police one night when she is visibly impaired? It may be good to have her put away for a few days in the county clink (drunk tank). If you can do it with finesse (aka blame it on a neighbor who heard her yelling loudly). They usually don’t remember what they do anyway, so you could sell it. It would bring you and your daughter some peace.
I find the trick is to ‘pull the stunt’ on the alcoholic but ‘have someone else’ be the reason it happened. Someone who isn’t very close to the alcoholic so that they can sit there and Stew for a while ‘trying to figure out how to nail you’ for what just happened to them. You can see their mind work, you can see how purposefully they actually are in trying to hurt you. It helps me. You and your daughter need time away from her. Make up some excuse.
‘I was tested for cholesterol and when they did the blood draw they think I may have cancer, so I’m going to this clinic in (some city).’ Anything, be creative but make it something plausible. Why lie? I think sometimes its good to lie to them. I really do. Its best if you don’t get caught. They tend to be sensitive anyway and ‘can sense’ that you are doing something devious. Why do it? Its actually really enjoyable. Seriously. Its fun to lie to them, since they live by lies. It just is!
Deb – your last line “It’s fun to lie to them, since they live by lies” totally cracked me up!! So true!!! I discovered that myself when I was with my ExA and it was sometimes fun. Especially when I used the same ones that he used on me, like “I never got your text” or “I didn’t know you called – it didn’t show up on my cell.”
Mike, It sucks! I did not marry my XAB but he asked me, begged me, threatened me, many times. He wanted that control. I always refused unless he proved himself. But, I did tell him if he ever quit (lets say for a year) and I decided to marry him–If he relapsed after marriage I would consider that a BREACH OF CONTRACT and divorce him! No holds bar, he knew I would never tolerate it, not even marriage would hold me for the fools game! You all know the rest of the story. I think you guys are great for feeling soooo committed in your marriage==But is it worth your sanity and continued hell on earth on a daily basis. Do what you have to do to preserve YOURSELF! You only have this one life to live–do you want to spend it this way? Valid Question! So what, your f’d up and married her, she lied, and was not honest with the wedding vows. If your were raised Catholic, you can get the marriage annulled. If not, you know God forgives all of us.
Pez, you are absolutely correct. I am a Catholic and believe very strongly in marriage but when i talked to a Bishop about what was going on in my marriage and how i held on believing that it would somehow have to get better by the Grace of God I was told that if one partner is not listening to God and living by His ways or refuses to live by His ways and since i had these troubles with mine as soon as we got married, that he was considered as lying in our sacrament of Matrimony and thus the marriage never really existed in the eyes of God. The Bible says that a man should treat his wife as Jesus treated the Church and a wife in the same way her husband. Treating your spouse to lies and deceit and ridicule is not the way Jesus would treat the Church or anyone for that matter. Mike, you deserve better. Treat her with kindness but help your self and her daughter in any way you can. Do not stay together because of feeling guilty in the eyes of God. God knows your plight and understands. Pray and allow him to show you the way.
One more thing: I would like to clarify. I am not saying you should leave your wife, Mike. I stayed in my marriage for 21 years and tried many ideas and things like leaving him until he promised counseling or trying a separation before divorce. Setting boundaries on his drinking etc… However, unfortunately my efforts only led to more broken promises from him and he increased his violence and his controlling behavior. i came to the realization that my ex AH had other issues and i had to get me and the children out before he seriously hurt one of us or it became fatal. So I am sure you can see the road that is ahead if your wife keeps this up but she cannot see it. I simply don’t want you to hold on to a marriage that is not real as I did. But i used to feel that those years had been wasted however i now see that i had to go through those steps and try to make it work for my sake. I was not ready to give up until i was certain my ex was not willing to help himself. But like I said and like you mentioned the damage to the children has to be considered also. Mine tell me they wish i had left him sooner and i am sorry for that. But i also know that i made a lot of choices to protect them and now am helping them heal from his years of damage to the family. I guess i am saying i used to feel guilty for breaking up the marriage and i no longer do. A line from Evanescence’s song “You never call me when you’re sober” comes to mind: “How could I have burned paradise? How could I? You were never mine!” To me this means that the partner’s heart always from the beginning belonged to the alcohol never to her heart. So a loving relationship was never real. So do not make rash decisions but do not stay for the sake of guilt.
To All Who are Still in Committed Relationships with A’s:
I see alot of strong christian values in all of you who are staying in these relationships and for those like me who kept thinking the only reason to separate was infidelity so I continued to put up with the bad behavior and waited for the ultimate of betrayal of unfaithfulness. I stayed way too long! The betrayal came but not until I suffered many years of abuse. Your higher power never wants you to stay in a relationship that is abusive to you–HE loves you. Think about it–would you ever encourage your child to stay with someone who was abusing them. The A’s behavior is abusive: deceiving, lying, controlling, infidelity and more. Please see this for what it is. Most of them hid it from you and deceived you at the very start of the relationship–mine sure did. Even until the end he told people he only drank during football season. Know that your God does not want you abused. Get away from the abuse. If you are married and not comfortable divorcing that’s fine but you need to get yourself out of harm’s way until you see a complete turn around on the A’s part and you must see true remorse from them. If there is not a continued sign of remorse for what they did, they are not truly committed to change. I feel now one year after my divorce that someone, (my ex A), stole something valuable from me and only he can give it back–he stole my self-esteem, he stole who I was till I become someone I sometimes was ashamed of. We may be divorced but he owes it to me to give back what he took–maybe some day he will truly understand but I am at fault for continuing to allow someone to abuse me when I know God would not approve of that and would want me to separate from that. Alcoholism causes abuse and no one should stay in a relationship involving abuse. If you play games back onto the A you will be ashamed of yourself when the relationship ends or resolves itself and you will carry guilt, like I do: I feel bad I argued with him, raised my voice or gave back to him the same nasty comments he gave to me. Don’t add guilt to it. Correct your behavior and stay away from someone who abuses you.
I’ve just spent another horrendous day with my AH. Having secretly drunk his strong lager he then repeatedly wants you to come and see what he has done eg trimmed trees. He gives you a repeated rundown of what he intends to do later seeking approval—it doesn’t get done. In the afternoon he slips out to local shop when I have gone shopping making sure he parks his van in exactly the same place in the drive on my return rest of the day and evening taken up with him sleeping watching tv and making philosophical comments His deviousness knows no limits and I now feel like the mother looking after the child. Please does anyone experience the same traits
Maggie – Yes, this happened all the time with my Ex-A. If he made as much effort in getting sober and growing up as he did in hiding his drinking or telling me all the wonderful things he was going to do (things which either would never happen, or would take a year at least- no lie – of me asking him to do what he said he’d do before he’d actually do it), he would have been the perfect guy.
Debbi, You are absolutely right and put it well. Thank you!
Maggie, Yes i experienced the same. My ex always wanted extremem approval for every small taks he completed. Yet he would make promises and grand plans to accomplish things that he never did and yet would want a gold star for just sayign he would do them. yet everything i did whether big or small was never enough. 🙁
Me too. He did a lot like quit a band that was a bad influence, took care of the yard, Drunk painting which ended in disaster, and he used these things like–look at all I am doing for you, I will give you a house, gave up the band, etc…. but the main problem remained–alcohol. He thought all this stuff should be enough for me but, I told him “relationship” is more important than “things” to me. Without relationship all these things aren’t anything. There are plenty of men out there who will offer you these things and be a sober man. He desperately wanted to appear to be “a good person” paying child support (gotta give him that)etc…. I still could not deal. Like the one lady said, a drunk, slobbering, peeing the bed, slurring, man is a turn off!! UG. He really tried to keep me but by his terms! I had to accept his alcoholism.
Pez.
I know what you say as I think about it all the time.
I see this as much greater than how she is to herself.
It is beyond me and her. I take my faith to this.
I am not so strong as to take on the world, but for this time in our lives I am doing what I can to make this the life I want it to be.
I read the Biblical story Gomer who was a prostitute. God told Hosea to marry her even with her past.
They married and she went back to her past, but God told him to stay with her to show her God’s love and forgiveness.
Now, am I to do all of that? I try, but I also know that I am just a man who is in the middle of lots of pain.
I hope that becaeu I have shown this love to my hurt wife, that if I ever get into my own medical issues, that she will remember what I did for her and show me likewise forgiveness.
No one said it would be easy and it is not.
Thank you all.
Maybe I will change later on, but today, this is how I view my life.
Well then I guess you’re just going to have to follow JC’s advice on detaching.
Well I haven’t wrote much lately just reading. My ex A would also TRY to work out in the yard, do housework etc when he was drunk, what a disaster.He would TRY to buy me, he would try anything but like you said the problem always remained-the alcohol. I could not stand to be in a relationship with someone who is always drunk, blaming me for all the problems in there lives, putting me down, intently trying to hurt me, acting like nothing happened when he was sober, starting fights with me all the time, being a rack of nerves leaving him with the kids, there was no trust, I felt like I was more of a mother than anything else to him. His idea of helping was getting up putting a load of clothes in the washer and then leaving to go get drunk at 8 in the morning.I am so glad to not have to live that way anymore. Though I have been having a tough time somedays, I think all the abuse and living with an alcoholic has seriously affected me. I think about all the things that went on over and over like a never ending record that plays in my head, I believe I am grieving what could of been, all the things I wanted from the relationship that never happened. It hurts knowing he is now with someone else who may I add he started a realtionship 3 weeks after my son and I left.A part of me just seriously cannot believe it.My emotions are all over the place alot of days I try to keep myself busy, keep my head up and go on. But I will say one thing despite all the things I am going through I had rather be alone and work through this than live one more day the way I was living.Living with an alcoholic as far as I am concerned is nothing short of a living nightmare.
Amy: The “starting fights” really flew out and hit me! I would say it is a beautiful day, and he would say “How do you know that.” I ignored the remark but knew this was someone who was off! We would get in the car and in minutes, he would start telling me how to drive! He was a control freak – I don’t drink because I never liked the taste of liquor – but he told me I should start drinking so I would be fun to be with!!
You are so right about life with an alcoholic is nothing short of living a nightmare.
The sad part is they could quit drinking
and still be mean. I know people that do not drink and still act that way.