The Alcoholic is Getting Better-Why Do I Feel Awful

depressed young womanJC: Ann, what wonderful news to hear that the alcoholic in your life is in recovery and getting better. I am sorry to hear that there’s a shift happening in your relationship. I would like to offer an alternative to you being lost and confused. Find an Al-anon meeting and start participating regularly. Make a commitment to go to at least three meetings a week. When an alcoholic quits drinking their entire life changes. Staying sober becomes the number one priority in their life.

Guest Post By: Ann
We saw each other and talked almost every day for two years. Now that the alcoholic went to detox and is in treatment, he really doesn’t seem to want to see me. I was the one who wanted him to go and he wanted to go. But now I don’t seem to exist in his life. I am not doing well. I cry all the time and can barely get out of bed to function. I am lost and confused. Why am I not happy? He’s getting better and I am getting worse. I don’t drink. I miss him and wonder why I am no longer part of his life. I feel like I am crazy. Does the pain ever stop?
Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.

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83 comments to The Alcoholic is Getting Better-Why Do I Feel Awful

  • john

    Learn to be SELF SUFFICIENT. U don’t need a useless alcoholic in your life. Stop being co dependant. There are 6.5 billion people on the earth, so go out and meet someone who can offer you what you need. You should be more grateful that your AH has made the Hugh effort of fixing his addiction. Now its time for you to work on yourself.

  • Sandi

    I know how you feel. My husband has been sober for 75 days. I am very proud of him, but I really thought things would be different. I thought we’d finally go places and do things that “normal” couple do, but we still do nothing. We saw his primary care doctor the other day because my AH was feeling so bad. His doctor said it is perfectly normal for him to feel lousy because in essence his brain is resetting itself. He will most likely feel bad for 8-12 months, but if he sticks to sobriety he will start to feel much better, so that gives me hope of a normal life soon. Your situation is different, but your friend is going through some difficult times right now. Be a good friend and give him the space he needs to recover…my prayers are with you.

  • L.

    Yes, Ann, the pain will lesson the more you learn about alcoholics and the dis-ease of alcoholism. Please heed the suggestions to attend at least 6 Al-Anon meetings. They are safe places to gain awareness and acceptance and learn healthy ways to be with your self and your loved one(s). Think of it as embarking on a grand adventure. I was pretty much in your shoes five years ago. Today, although my qualifiers are still drinking, I am so grateful for my own Recovery and my days are filled with serenity, accomplishment, and much gratitude. Love and Light to you.

  • Rick

    I am glad your boyfriend has stopped drinking.
    If this is your first introduction to alcoholism, please please please take my advice and don’t try to go down this road, but if you must, do not do it without a number of people close, who know everything, to support you. Don’t think that you will win against the power of alcohol.

    You and your boyfriend are powerless over it. It will forever have the “draw” that you can not compete with. I have lived with my Alcoholic wife for 20 years. She is sweet and loving but alcohol has kept her in a pretty good mood. After scaring herself enough to quit she has not had a drink in 5 years. Since that time. She has not had any interest in me at all. She has been miserable since then. I would not have survived the hurt and pain without the people and program of Alanon. My wife has been in AA, but she is still very unhappy. So much so, that she moved out. I am now home with our 2 beautiful children.

    I’ve tried for 20 years to make her happy. I failed, because one person can’t make another person happy. In order to live with an alcoholic, you must be self sufficient. What typically happens to “us” is that we focus so much on the alcoholic and the “why” things are the way they are. And trying to figure out what is exactly wrong with our relationship. Is what my wife says to me when she’s drinking, the truth, that she has enough courage to say what she couldn’t say otherwise, or is it just the alcohol talking. I don’t know. I don’t really understand, she said we need to get away need this or that. “We” slowly spend more and more time thinking about things other than our own lives. Very, very slowly we don’t know it, but our plans, hopes and dreams get put on hold.

    They never get free from the problems to get back to our needs. Al-anon is about learning to refocus on our needs. It happens to each and ever one of us in Al-anon.

    Wanting love or anything in return for our love, from the alcoholic is what we can not fathom. Getting love from an alcoholic is like going to Home Depot for a loaf of bread. It is not there.

    I asked my wife the other day, in an effort to help her refocus on something positive, what was her most favorite thing to do in this world. Without hesitation, she said, ” to drink”. I was shocked and saddened. She hasn’t had a drink in five years, and it’s still her main love. She didn’t say, spend time with my children etc…

    If you absolutely believe that there is not a good man that you can love and be loved by and this is your only option, please pray about this and get in Alanon, and spill your guts to the people there. You will most likely have to get your love and need for attention met through those people for as long as you are with your boyfriend.

    It is a lifelong challenge. Don’t expect anything in return for your love and effort. I’m now almost 50, and it breaks my heart to think about anyone considering this road.

    You can’t fix him or get him through this. He has to do it with God. Your One-Way love is not enough. Alcohol steals away our loved ones.

  • Caitlyn

    Being in detox was never going to be an instant fix for a relationship. WOW you should pat yourself on the back for being a good and true friend. Hang in there while he sorts himself out on the track of sobriety. Its as long path. Maybe detach yourself emotionally from him and start leading your life for you. You should be congratulated for setting him on his sober path.
    If you want the agony of your emotional pain to cease you need to untangle your dependance on him for emotional security and look toward emotional support and love from an alcohol support network such as alcoholics Anonymous. You will find kindred spirits to connect with to sort out your frustration and emotional attachment to this man. He deserves you as a friend you are a great friend but you don’t deserve reserve from him but equally can’t expect more as he is in no place you give you what you need and so richly deserve. Try to view your relationship as a friendship in progress. Take it slowly and safely to protect your emotional pain and turmoil.
    God bless you for being a good friend.

  • Ashley

    Ann, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Hang in there and count your blessings that your husband is getting sober. Alcohol is a family disease. After reading your story my guess is that for so many years you have gotten used to the depressing, sad disease that is alcoholism. You have put yourself to the side to help him and all your thoughts and actions have been towards getting him cured. Now he is moving in that direction and you are lost because he was your ‘purpose’ for so long. My advice would be to get into counseling for yourself. Don’twworry about him. Pray for him but move on to your next purpose of healing yourself!! You are the only one who controls your happiness. Don’t let his alcoholism control you from the past.

  • Pez

    I’d like to know why when some alcoholics/addicts get into recovery stay with the same behaviors as when active and some recovering alcoholics seem happy and normal to be on the straight and narrow? I have met both. Is it that the miserable ones never let go and resent they can not indulge, or is it mental problems from years of abuse of the body, or they just never deal with internal issues? or just never learned WHAT normal is? Then I have met recovering alcoholics that you would never know they used to be an active alcoholic! They totally get it. I guess it is all individual?

  • linda

    What I learned from marriage counseling is it is child hood issues. The a don’t want to deal with. They are just to painful. We now don’t go. I do counseling for myself.

  • Pez

    I am not so sure it is always childhood issues. Psycologists ALWAYS go back to childhood. From what I know my XAB had a fairly normal childhood. Yes, our generation got spanked and there was some fighting with his parents–but so was my family. As far as I know nothing traumatic or abnormal. But alcoholism does run in his family. With him, I honestly think it is more “learned behavior” since he drank heavily for years as a youth, quit for 8 but still was a dry drunk, then now drinking for 4 he has returned to juvenile behavior at 50 treating women as he did in his youth. His growth was stunted for many years drinking and now again. He never learned to learn and grow or handle life. Several have mentioned some brain damage with his irrational behavior. But, who knows maybe these normal things in the family effected him more?

  • linda

    I know this a behaviors are just like his brothers no ones feeling mader but his. After counseling he told me he does not give a f about my feeling. Its like he hates me. When I share my feelings he says I just being negative. I can’t just stuff my feeling. Just need to not let his responses bother me. U maybe Wright about year of use effected his brain. He was not like this before.

  • Pez

    That is one thing I can’t stand about A behavior! They think they can abuse you and then you can’t express how it made you feel or discuss it. They just can’t deal or have a normal relationship to really care for someone. I want someone to care about me!! Screw that! They want to act anyway they want with NO consequences for their actions–just NOT real life! It’s just not! Linda, you just have to ask yourself and believe his words! Do you want to go on with someone who just doesn’t give a flying flip about you and your feeling?

  • L.

    … what Rick, Caitlin, and Ashley said 🙂 Thank you, all for sharing …

  • better&better

    I was married to an alcoholic for 26 years and when he finally made it into AA (10 yrs. ago) he became more arrogant, cruel, slept with other AA members, continued to emotionally abuse me and his 2 children. All his AA friends think he is the greatest guy, while we see him for the a$#$#$e he really is. After spending 3 years and a lot of $ on our divorce, he defaulted on our decree one month after I refi’d the house in my name. He has evil behavior towards his family who loved him during his drinking years. But he is the nicest guy for an hour a day when he shows up for an AA meeting. ? Some alcoholics actually can recover. I’ve been in Al Anon for 13 years. It showed me the light. Blessings…

  • Debbi

    Better&Better: My A & yours similar except mine never admitted a problem however to everyone else he was the greatest and to me behind closed doors the emotional abuse became downright mean and sadistic. I know mine tried to cut back & switched brands but never stopped drinking. Is it possible yours, although attending AA is still drinking? I have seen that in AA. Emotional abusers will also use groups to pick up women–mine attended a divorce group & it was not for support – within 2 months he had started relationships with 2 of the women. Vulnerable people attend these support groups and unfortunately some guys prey on this. You were smart to divorce & you will heal.

    Pez: I agree–I’m mad too because some of these A’s like mine & yours just seem to get away with their behavior. I always said mine could roll around in mud & come out smelling like a rose–he never got consequences for what he did & still to this day I have women calling & emailing me telling me how I was awful to abuse him! It infuriates me. There seems to be no justice. I keep saying that in order for me to heal completely I need 2 things: 1-my reputation validated where people see the truth about him and 2-an admission of guilt to me. Tired of holding my breath. But he took the most precious thing from me possible–my good name! I am infuriated but I produced documents to his family showing the use of escorts so give it enough time Pez & you and I will see the truth come out. Sooner or later people suffer consequences of their actions.

  • Bill

    Ann, when an alcoholic starts getting sober in AA they are told that nothing is more important than staying away from a drink. They are encouraged to attend as many meetings as it takes in a day for them to stay away from drinking. It’s a good thing that your friend is getting better. You have to let him go so he can create a pathway to recovery that works for him.

    I really like what Ashley said, you have to focus on yourself now and concentrate on getting better yourself.

  • better&better

    Alcohol is never the problem, it’s deeper than that. It seems like my qualifier switches addictions-sex, money etc…I have friends and even my own family who don’t support me, they believe the “nice guy.” It’s really hurtful, but the best way to get over the hurt is keep your eye on a “power greater than yourself” to allow life to unfold the way it’s meant to be. The darkness does not overcome the Light. Be your own Light.

  • Pez

    Yea Debbie I was wondering with several posters if there A is still sneaking a snort!! Especially the ones who don’t want to see their significant other! Keep yourself open to the possibility they are not staying clean! They love to hide and deceive and “play the game”.

    As my Aunt said, Justice may not come as fast as we want! But it will come! Give it time. Drunks will eventually make stupid mistakes since they feel like superman when they are loaded! And they get literally stupider (but they feel so smart) by the day/year as there brain turns into swiss cheese and their judgment fails them. The consequences may be in their own actions as everything deteriorates over time with the drug. Hopefully we still pray and wish for their “salvation” per say over judgment, But we all need justice.

  • Amy

    Pez you hit the nail right on the head! My A didn’t want to discuss anything.He would ignore me and wake up the next day acting like nothing happened, and if you did bring up anything he said or did the night before, he either seen it as my fault, or well I didn’t mean it, I was just drunk! or even better would get mad and tell me he was sick of listening to my bitching. Apparently when just walked right up to me one night and smashed two or my computers~( because I was ignoring him, and pretending not to notice he was drunk)he simply could not stand not being the center of attention, or causing drama or chaos, or when he kept me up all night meowing like a cat, or being so noisey I couldnt sleep and had to go to work exhausted,,oh I could go on and on~I am so glad to be rid of that nut job!

  • Mia

    I’m sitting in the waiting room of the support service at the recovery clinic. I’ve this week seriously hurt my hand, had my bike stolen, closed my business, moved everything to my home til my next shop. He on the other hand is on the beach having cider number 7, 8 or 9 and is thinking about an appointment for counselling instead of detox so he can cutdown ! That’s how bizzare this is but I need the support to stay detached with love and right now he needs to be on the beach everyday to feel dirty for himself, drink more and cling on to the denial just a but longer

    I love him but we are on separate journeys for the same reason , alcahol

    Another man has asked ne out, says nice things I actually can’t believe how nice it is to have someone adk me how I am. I’ve not hone out yet. I’m telling myself … Go out with him cos he’s the kind of man I would have gone out with

    I still love my X but I’m slowly seeing after the last few weeks abuse calling the pice breaking up loads of nasty calls nice calls evil messages flowers being shouted at etc. I think he finally has made me disgusted with his behaviour and I should give myself a chance

    Why do I feel it’s wrong, we broke up weeks ago and it’s so sad. But lately the nadtiness has got really bad cos I won’t take him back

  • Debbi

    Mia-You hang in there, you will be fine. I would give yourself time before you start dating just yet though. But you said one thing that was so profound I am posting on my refrigerator: I love him but we are on separate journeys for the same reason , alcohol.
    You are so right and yet we, the non-A’s, are the only ones that suffer the beginning of the journey but hopefully we will be rejoicing at the end of the journey!

  • Mia

    Ahh thank you I’m glad you understood what I was saying. In the counselling session she gave me the forms and summary of our relationship, case notes. I said to her ” it’s just so sad seeing it all written down “…. She said yes it often makes loved ones feel that way. It had a funny effect , kind of a final nail in the coffin yet also drawing ne back in as though it made ne feel guilty for abandoning hope however realistic on someone who is suffering. She was good though and after hearing recent events she said that even though she hears alit in those four walks she felt shocked at just how oblivious and lacking in respect his latest treatment was. That made me cry like I wanted to defend him be ause he wasn’t always this way. But after talking she asked ne where I’d like to be in five years time. She also said , which kind of leads on from this subject we are all considering whether this behaviour of his is just him. That maybe he just controls it better sobre . I did say to her that I was shocked to realise when at his worst verbal abuse I had to call police and put his abuse down to drinking so much that day but when the police arrived he completely reined it in and was charming . That shocked me. I felt played and I think for the first time saw that now he just doesn’t need to treat ne right. The drinking maybe isn’t what makes him mean, he is mean. Goodness I feel so bad even saying that but it’s a s arey thought. Carolyn Hughes is amazing sobre alcaholic who gives great advice, you can email her personally. She wrote me at the weekend when I asked the question ” when the alcaholic decides to get help at what point to you let them back in your life” my x said he wanted this so wanted to get back together. It’s what I asked for but of course he’s still drinking and yet to go for his appointment. Her answer was simple . It was dimply that He has a journey to love himself again, to want this for himself even if he loses everything and even if he has to do it alone. All the time I give hin a soft place to fall he will never feel how falling can hurt. So in essence he has to get sobre to be with you as sobre is the only way. You can be a friend but only at a very safe distance . Such wise words. I’m keeping new man at a distance too. I need to heal as you do wisely say but at least it’s nice to have someone be kind which in a way is helping ne keep my boundary with the X. Thank you, it’s so good to have feedback . I’ve decided if I want to have change I need to change how I do things . It’s scarey cos the old way I always knew what happened next. Even though it didn’t go well I knew it. Better the devil you know! But no more , I’d rather hand over to god and not know than keep dealing with the devil I do . I love god so it’s crazy daft I didn’t see that before. Support is so essential and I’m lucky my city has such a wonderful support system . I just wish more people knew about it and I’d found it sooner. Although I’m not sure I was ready to hear ut all before now. I guess god brings us things at the right time . Thank you , god bless x

  • Mike

    Be glad he is just your boyfriend.
    Trust me on this one.
    I have been married just over one year to an alcoholic.
    Worst move I ever made.
    I love her with all my hearty, but I too learned that, they are in love with alcohol more than anything.
    I don’t know how you can go about it, but DO NOT MARRY AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!
    That will be the biggest anchor you can ever have in your life.
    You cannot love it away, you cannot do anything for the drinker.
    They must choose it and they will not leave alcohol.
    I did not listen, thinking I was special. I wasn’t and neither are you.
    Be kind and with an explanation, but leave him. Do not get sucked back into that relationship.
    Do not listen to him when he begs and promises. It is the devil keeping you enslaved.
    Alcoholism is a possession of the spirit.
    Don’t buy into the guilt he will toss your way.
    Drinkers are all the same. All of them. I am pleading with you.
    Please, as we don’t want you to look back and say “Why didn’t I listen.”
    You will regret it 100%.
    Read what we are telling you. Don’t be the person who will be writing this notes in the near future.
    We are being honest with you and sharing our pain to keep those like you from our mistake.
    Don’t put yourself into a lifetime of AA meetings and Al Anon.
    AA will not give you or him the life you are seeking.

  • Mike

    Don’t live a life where every week you live in fear wondering if this is the week he drinks again.
    Don’t live a life where you have to be a detective trying to see if he is drinking.
    Fund a good man who is not an alcoholic.
    30 days sober 6 months sober? That s crazy.
    Find a man who is sober a lifetime from the beginning.
    Hard words, but alcoholics are not good people.
    They have put themselves and everyone else second to alcohol.

  • Wow Mike I have always thought and felt more motivated to make a healthy choice as a result of someone sharing what happen to them from a place of empowerment. empowerment coming after taking care of your self. Sounds like you still have a lot of anger. How can anyone really hear you from the point you are coming from. Good information yet with out love and respect you may be unheard. Just like you ” I am different” your harsh statements of Don’t are pushed away. I know I thought I could love my ex-husband enough that he would change. All the while I was out of control with fear, loneliness guilt and anger. I found it better to chose to be loving and leave the toxic relationship and learn from it, I I would not repeat it. I would suggest you both spend some time quietly and ask yourself what do I want from life Love or Anger?. Life is always going to have troubles. The addiction your loved-one is struggling 6 months sober is not enough time for him to know who he is let alone who you are. with has been affecting you Ann. My hope is you value yourself enough to protect your right to chose healthfully. I read in a magazine once an acronym. RELATIONSHIPS. Real Exciting Love Affair Turns Into Outrageous Nightmare Sobriety Hangs In Peril. Ann think of what you are doing to his early recovery. Let him find out who he is first.

  • Pez

    I hear you Mike ; ) thanx for sharing your heart, hurt, and the truth!

  • Mike

    Alcoholism is brutal and anything short of telling the truth is cowardice.

  • Pez

    I agree with you mike. alcoholism is brutal to the user and to the people around them! this is the mildest site I have ever seen concerning alcoholics but a good one. different point of views are always good. other sites &articals only say we run as fast as you can away from them and I must agree that most of the time I would recommend this. stay only if you choose to. but that may mean no miracle will ever happen and you’ll get screwed over in the end. if you’re fully aware of this by all mean stay if you wish. but don’t think you will be different and your situation will be different. that is this mistake of many!

  • Sandy

    In reading many of these posts I can truly empathize . . a question I’m starting to ponder is whether all alcoholics are narcissists as they sure seem to exhibit the behavior. My A quit drinking “supposedly” a little over a year ago when I had him arrested . . twice in the last month I’ve come home from work and he’s staggering, slurring his words, getting physically abusive let alone the verbal abuse that is continuous . . and he swears up and down he’s only drank O’Douls . . has anyone else had experience with something like this? I’ve asked him to quit the non alcoholic beer as I think there is enough alcohol in them to activate his addiction and he’s been drinking them like water . . I’m going to see an attorney next week to look into getting a divorce . . I’ve been very clear I’m done with the dance, but he’s simply clueless . .

  • Pez

    That’s one of the differences I see on the site. some people who deal with an alcoholic, they hide it well. Other people like me, my A showed it in one or two drinks. Sometimes, honestly, I believe he acted drunk when he didn’t have a drop just to see how I’d react. it’s psycolohical if he’s acting drunk on O’douls! I think they like to get a rise out of you–addicted to drama. or else he is sneaking more than O’douls!

  • Amy

    Pez, mine did that at times as well.~he would act drunk just to see if he could get a rise out of me~they love to keep the drama a chaos going all the time, they thrive off of it.
    Sandy, I am 100 percent convinced my ex was a narcissist since I left him I have done a little investigating, seems he gets in relationships and they all start off the same way, and pretty much end the same way, then on to the next, he lasted 2 weeks after I left him before he seriously moved in another girl, and I am sure when he is done with her, the pattern will continue~they have no empathy or compassion for anyone, I have never met such a liar and master manipulator in my life, and hope I never do again.
    Mike, You hit the nail right on the head, I wish I would of seen such a short well put summery of an alcoholic about a year ago!

  • Mike

    Sandy, he IS drinking.
    Stop making excuses and stop buying into his explanations.
    The intuition you have is right.
    No, he doesn’t have diabetes as the source of his fruity breath and no he is not “just sleepy” or suffering from vertigo.
    He is drinking.
    When drinkers lie to themselves, you think the will somehow find a sense of honesty with others?
    Forget it.
    If this is just a boyfriend, don’t but it for life.

  • JC

    One of my favorite sayings is: “change your attitude or change your address.” When I get upset with someone, I like to use this phrase to really look at myself. If the relationships is worth staying in, I will change my attitude. How do I do that?

    Should I Stay With An Alcoholic or Leave
    Coping With An Alcoholic Spouse
    Sick Of Living With An Alcoholic Husband

    Here are a couple of articles that have to do with alcoholics getting better and then drinking again:

    What To Do When An Alcoholic Starts Drinking Again
    How TO Handle Fear In Alcoholic Relationships

  • Ann

    Thank you for all the comments. Some of these comments break my heart because I know how brutally honest they are. Tonight I’ve made an attempt to let him go. He has ups and downs and its a rollercoaster ride. He pushed me away again today. It makes me feel like I’m worthless and undeserving. I’ve never felt so low in my life ever. I feel like his opinion of me is the only one that matters. I told him how I feel tonight and told myself this was the last time. I just don’t think I am strong enough to let go and walk away. I tried going to an al anon meeting. I drove by twice I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I feel so worthless now that I am scared to death to go to a meeting. I feel undeserving and that they will laugh at me. I don’t know how I got to this feeling.

  • Ann

    I forgot to mention. He is no longer in treatment or going to aa meetings. He says he isn’t drinking and as far as I know he isn’t. I don’t see him much anymore. I’m smart enough to know that unless he treats the underlying issues he won’t be better. I need to walk away. I just feel so worthless and don’t know how.

  • Gabby

    To Ann:
    I know the feeling of worthlessness. I feel he chose others and alcohol over me. I feel I was compared to these and came up short in his eyes because I was not his first choice. It crushes your ego and self esteem. Just for once I need him to build me up to reverse the damage and make me first choice.

  • Ann

    I think what Rick said really sums it up. Wanting love or anything in return for your love from an alcoholic is not going to happen. I’ve given so much of myself that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve not gotten anything in return other than arrogance and being treated like a doormat. I didn’t even realize it until recently. Everything I did was to get his approval and hopefully this time would be the time he finally thought as much of me as I do him. Even this morning I want to go running back and tell him how sorry I am. Even though I have nothing to be sorry for. I don’t know how it got to this point and I feel so low I have no way out.

  • Pez

    Ann & Rick said,” Wanting love or anything in return for your love from an alcoholic is not going to happen.”

    Yea! Wish I had known this from the gitgo!! I would have NEVER wasted my time. But they take advantage of your innocence if you knew nothing about alcoholism. So, I got used for 4 years is how I look at it. And when the ultimatum took place they bail! They use you up and then throw you away when your usefulness is over to them and you become wise to the “game”. They win in a way as they fooled us for so long. It pisses me off. I could have been dating someone who REALLY cared for me instead of investing in someone like described above. Oh well, not a total loss. I have changed for the better and gained wisdom–Actions BETTER match what you say or NO DEAL!

  • Ann

    I wish someone could tell me the quick way to get to the point where you let them go. It consumes every thought I have. I have never felt like such a bad person in all of my life. I want to run to him and forgive and beg again. But I know better. I just don’t feel strong enough. How do you gain that strength?

  • better&better

    I agree with Mike. I divorced my qualifier (now sober) and have no contact with him. But he still tries to get back at me (I’m his target) through our kids and our divorce agreement. I try to communicate only through the lawyers. I fell for his ” I just want to talk to you with a higher power present” and when I showed up he was verbally abusive blaming me for what went wrong in the marriage, etc…He still wants to mess with me. He even manipulates and uses his adult children. He is a cruel person. With the distance, I now see how sick he really is. I work on forgiveness, focusing on myself, letting go, constantly. I wasted many years with the A. It’s a hard reality to face. I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic family, just a loving family that taught me morals and values. It’s in my nature to put others first (I’m changing that). They target people like me. I have a much better life now, even though I am single. I would love to attract a healthy man capable of loving.
    I am developing higher qualities in myself first by focusing on my own spiritual life. That’s where I get my strength. Best to all in your own personal recovery.

  • Mike

    If you want to deal with issues from a loving heart, then you are opening yourself to being played by that loving heart.
    We are in a war, and being the loving, good guy does not work.
    It takes very hard steps to get out. Drinkers, especially men, have already figured you out, and so they know the weak points.
    it is not that you stop loving them, but stop listening to them.
    Move away. Watch the drinker’s life. If there is change, then there is hope, but it must be for years.
    You need proof.
    If you plan a lifetime with anyone, then a couple of years won’t hurt.
    Alcoholics are sociopaths and will do what ever it takes to get their way.
    Think I am wrong? The talk to me in five years.
    I know no one wants to be the bad guy or talk too harsh, but this is a war of the spirit.

  • Mike

    If one cannot define a “higher power” then there is really nothing there but a view that is created by the alcoholic mind.
    The first step toward the stopping of drinking is the truth and “higher power” talk isn’t.
    AA means God? Jesus? The truth is, this “higher power” is not what one wants it to be.
    That is also letting the alcoholic choose his/her poison.
    Only God in heaven can heal the soul.
    The soul is where alcoholism lies.
    No matter how much an alcoholic wants to know the truth, the truth terrifies them.

  • Mike

    Here is my favorite saying: “Don’t marry an addict (liar).”

  • Mike

    Ann, there is no easy way to do it.
    We are people, and imperfect, but when you understand that it will not change because he does not want to change.
    He wants the consequences to change, but still wants to drink.
    That is what moves them.
    Their whole process of thinking is, “How can I still drink and not suffer the effects?”
    It is an immaturity. It is immaturity that started the whole party mentality to begin with.

    Alcohol to an alcoholic, must be like pork to a Muslim.
    It is out of your thoughts and mind. It is not an option.
    The Catch 22 to alcoholism is, it strikes weak spirits.
    Weak spirits cannot stop by choosing, because they cannot choose.
    They have resigned themselves to the view they have of themselves.
    It is so deep and dark.

  • Ann

    He tells me he wants me in his life but from a distance. He wants his alone time. He’s told me I mean and have meant nothing to him. But my fear is his alone time is to hide drinking. But I don’t know. He says he has quit and his family believes him. I’m fighting a losing battle and I know it. That is why I decided to tell him how I feel about him and the situation and walk away for now. I fear by doing this I lose him forever but what other choice do I have. It seems to be what he wants and I am such a crumpled mess I can’t deal with any more hurt.

  • Amy

    It isn’t easy to walk away, I had to for me. I myself was a crumpled up mess,I just KNEW I could not spend one more day living with was a life of complete chaos. I was falling apart, and no matter what happened he just kept right on drinking. It is a hard road, but for me I find having absolutely NO contact helps ease the pain. In time I know it will get better and better, but if I stayed with my ex A things were going to continue to get worse and worse. In the end I made a choice, I chose me and my son~ keep reading everything on this site. I come here especially when I am feeling weak and after only a few comments it refreshes my memory as to why I left in the first place and gets my head back in control when my heart tries to take over~

  • Pez

    Mike said,”Their whole process of thinking is, “How can I still drink and not suffer the effects?” (consequences)

    Exactly. And they will change there reality to believe they were not in the wrong! Everyone knew he betrayed me! But, he blamed it on me “walking away” So, basicly, he had the right to F@$#% another girl because I gave an ultimatum! When he knew I would not ACCEPT IT (his alcohol abuse)!

    Ohhhhhh but they will suffer consequences–Just give it time. They already ARE! And the more they drink and the farter down they go more and more consequences will follow, as their brain deteriorate and keep making bad choices. Not to mention meeting their maker.

    If you stay IT WILL GET WORSE AND WORSE because they will push you to the limit of abuse and disrespect. To the altimate betrayal—Cheating. Mark my word. Get out! They WILL “F” you over.

  • Pez

    PS It’s there way or the Highway! And if they can’t get you to accept it by there games–they will screw you over.

  • better&better

    I agree with Pez.

    “If you stay IT WILL GET WORSE AND WORSE because they will push you to the limit of abuse and disrespect. To the ultimate betrayal—Cheating. Mark my word. Get out! They WILL “F” you over.”

  • Debbi

    Just weighing in to agree with everyone’s sentiments here on how it can and will get worse. My exAH was a high-functioning A but he took out his anger & depression on me. He was not violent and did not yell. Mine did everything behind my back (telling horrible lies about me, stealing, gambling, escorts, other women, affairs, getting others to abuse me, killing 3 animals). In my case he took it to the complete extreme of bad behavior. He started the mediation/divorce process removing my health insurance when I was facing a $300,000 needed surgery and 18 months on rehab to save my life–He knew it would kill me if I did not get this surgery. He planned my death. Don’t stay or you may end up like me. Please make your plans to leave. Always remember that it is NOT the end of the relationship when you walk out. Things can always change but they will not get better until you take a stand. So, please always have your plans in place & ready to go—just in case! I was not prepared–do not end up like me!

  • Lori

    That sucks Debbi! What an ass – but they all become that, don’t they. I share the same feelings as you do Pez. My son caught my husband cheating. I left. Came back thinking he would have changed. I was wrong. This time I caught him cheating – actually he never really stopped. I agree that is the ultimate betrayal. My husband has accused me of an affair from 10-12 years ago. He says that is when he started drinking. Whatever. Everything ‘wrong’ he has done is somehow my fault. I am tired of it and I am out for good. Stared divorce papers the other evening. I have always been faithing, loving, and trusting toward my husband, yet I am accused of something I never did. He punishes me for something I never did and he is punishing me for something HE did. His brain has become absolute mush. Can’t remember things I tell him (or maybe he just doesn’t care to listen to me), comes up with off the wall excuses for ‘bad’ behavior, won’t do anything unless it has something to do with alcohol. His sense of reality is completely distorted. I am getting stronger and stronger everytime I think of the things he has done to make my life hell the past few month. It is hard after being married to someone for 19 years. But he has done this to himself. I think he knows he is an alcoholic, but doesn’t care to do anything about it. The guy is 43 years old and life is a party! He doesn’t want to grow up…..

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