I Am Angry With An Alcoholic-How Do You Cope With Being Angry

Have you ever been caught totally off guard and suddenly you were furious about something the alcoholic did or didn’t do? What are some of the ways you deal with your anger?

Just the other day I had a horrible bout with feeling angry about several things. Actually, I was furious to the point of not being able to have much self control. My emotions were way off balance, so much that I felt intense anger for about ten hours. I was overtaken and extremely uncomfortable with what I was feeling and just couldn’t seem to shake the negative emotions. I lost a lot of sleep, said things I shouldn’t have said and caused hurt and pain in someone that I really love.

Here are a few of the things I did  in an attempt to relive my frustrations:

  1. I went to an Al-anon meeting. If you’ve never been to Al-anon consider going. It’s an organization designed to help people like me and you deal with alcoholics.
  2. I wrote in my journal. I wrote in it several times because I could not get rid of the anger.
  3. I went for a very long walk with a friend and talked about the things that were bothering me.
  4. I attempted to discuss a few of the things I was angry about with the person I was upset with.
  5. I accepted that what I was feeling was okay.
  6. I screamed out loud a couple of times, once in my apartment and the other was while driving in my car.
  7. I treated myself to my favorite breakfast meal, bacon, toast and two over easy eggs.

Anger is an emotion that should be felt. We can also accept that it’s okay to be angry. How we deal with the anger is the important thing.

One of my favorite blogs to keep up with is called “So What I Really Meant.” In one of Alison Paulson’s articles about being angry she writes this:

“Anger can be a powerful emotion. In threatening circumstances, anger can be a potent means to scare away others, to command action, or to maintain your boundaries.

In many circumstances, however, showing raw anger prevents understanding and perpetuates pain or loss.”

How do you deal with things when you get very irritated? Do you isolate or get really depressed when intense negative feelings overtake you? Do you scream at people when you are mad at them? Do you write letters to people or emails in an attempt to resolve issues? Do you release your frustrations verbally through cursing or spouting off? What is it that you do to finally overcome being angry at an alcoholic or anyone? Is anger just a symptom of a problem?

Please feel free to leave a comment below.

 




56 comments to I Am Angry With An Alcoholic-How Do You Cope With Being Angry

  • Julie

    Realize I am powerless over someone else and snap out of it. Find happiness with small things, like enjoying the day that was given to me. Life is good if you don’t allow other people to ruin it for you. Take responsibility to live happily ever after with myself.

  • i think I am angry a lot because I don’t get any love and attention from the person I want most to give it to me the alcoholic

  • Mike

    If you aren’t married to the alcoholic, run away as if the house is on fire. Alcoholics are some of the most selfish people you can ever meet. They are like sociopaths. It’s all about themselves, all the time. First they hate themselves. Second their life consumes themselves of that time every day. From the moment they get up to the moment they sleep, they’re thinking about themselves. They think on how to cope, where to get a drink, how to hide the drink and what to do after the drink, and then feel guilty for the drink. It’s a vicious circle over and over. Yet they don’t want to change.
    They say they want to change, but they don’t really want to. They want to keep drinking. The problem is they don’t like the side effects but they like the effects. And they will say everything everyone wants to hear. They’re experts at it. They’re experts at knowing what the other person wants to hear, just enough to take the heat off of them. They’ll make that effort we want to see. They’ll say things we want to hear them say. They will do them for a very short time, but the real selfishness eventually breaks through. They can’t maintain for any length of time anything that is not about themselves.
    In their own mind, they actually believe themselves and are justified in their behavior. They are so far from reality and into themselves. That is where they were pull their logical thinking from. Anything besides their thinking is an attack on them. Even helping them that is different from their own thinking, is attacking them
    Surrendering their lives to God is nearly impossible. That means not thinking of themselves all the time, and that to them is threatening; is uncomfortable. And one thing the alcoholic wants more than anything is comfort, whether it is true or false comfort.
    There justified in their life and in their behavioral interactions. They know it’s a lie, but if just for this one more time they can believe it, it’ll be true, but it never is. And that is how their lives get ruined and yet the saddest part is, they knew it all along
    The most saddest part in all of this, is realizing that there is nothing you can do to help them

    A person that is suicidal does not want help, especially when the person does not like themselves, as in their minds they’re not worthy of help in their minds. In their minds they are only worthy of the torment they have in their lives.
    The alcoholism is an outward sign of their inner trauma. All addicts have been traumatized, but they’ve been experts at hiding the trauma. They think they can fool the experts at hiding the alcoholism and the self-destructive mess. But eventually, it all comes crumbling down and by then it is very, very hard, almost impossible to save them.
    It’s like the person who has lived with mom and dad their whole life. Sometimes, the safety of home is better than the chance to be free, independent and happy. They’ve learned to see misery as comfort.

  • Julie21

    Wow Mike very insightful and so true. Sounds like you have a grip on life with an alcoholic. And it is so exaclty what i have experienced with mine too.

  • Ann

    Mike – I’m curious as to how long you’ve been with your alcoholic? I’m just now starting to feel the same feelings you seem to be expressing. This has been an eye-opener.

  • Amy

    Very well written Mike, I believe you hit that nail right on the head~~

  • Amy

    On the subject of anger, I was angry all the time,I couldn’t live like that, no amount of exercise, writing about it, or much else was going to stop that anger, He had a child, I have a child, I worked 5 days a week, took care of both kids, and the house,well I did everything, he got drunk, took off to hide and drink, made excuses to leave so he could drink, started fights to go drink, I knew he was going to drink before he did sometimes, You watch the same actions and behaviors over and over, after awhile, you just KNOW, hidden bottles, or glasses of rotten milk he used to mix his brandy in, I could go on and on , he drank because the sun came out, he was mad, upset, he drank and/or had a reason to drink all the time, for a year we played the game, he was gonna get help, sober up, he was done drinking, never again, he took antabuse, he went to meeting, he read, he claimed he could do it himself, I have seen it all, and the little times he did stay sober he was the most miserable human on the face of the planet, I didn’t see much difference in the way he acted sober or drunk, still a miserable human being, selfish like nothing I have ever seen, he would keep me up all night, hollering, meowing like a cat, yes, you just read that right, turning off the power, he wanted to fight, I think he thrived on getting drink and starting a fight, I would go to work he would drink all day, I would come home and he would be sitting there waiting for me, so he could fight, sometimes I found ways that worked and he would leave me alone, other days, I was ready to kill him and that is the truth, living like that day after day would drive anyone out of a sane mind themselves,After he pushed my child, caused a drunk nightmare for all of us one night I called the cops, had a 2 year restraint put on him and moved out,,,what is he doing now? EXACTLY what everyone on this site told me he would do! 2 weeks after we moved out he MOVED IN another girl and her two kids, and from what I here living in the small town that we do, he tells everyone everything was MY FAULT, OH and he is drunk all the time, has already hollered at one of her kids and has been treating her the same way as he treated me,I don’t think we meant one thing to him, I think all he wants is someone there so he isn’t alone, someone to come home to, and that is the sad truth,,,my advice is the same run, and never look back, it only gets worse not better, my heart goes out to any and all living in a situation like this.

  • Pez

    Well, I just found out from my XAb X wife (yes she called me) He was put in jail about 2 weeks ago for violation of probation again. He was in for only the weekend. Put it together, this is when I got the visit in the grocery store!!! Guess he got time to think and sober up in jail. But now back to drinking all the time according to the X wife–she wished they would have kept him in longer. The 17 year old daughter does not want to see him much cause of “drunk all the time”. He now has to go to some outpatient program but keeps drinking and he is going to keep getting caught and keep “going down” with the addiction and never get out of the “system”. So glad I am OUT!!! Got Sooooo tired of suffering the consequenses of HIS actions!!!! This man doesn’t seem to have a “bottom”. I have a feeling it’s going to get really bad–I feel for his kids.

  • Reyn

    All these posts and comments hit home. All of you very accurately and eloquently voiced the issues, hurts and anger while living and trying to cope with an alcoholic spouse/partner. Seven years ago, I lost someone I loved with all my heart. He was a HEAVY drinker – drank rum morning, noon and night. He was also on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and warfarin. Eventually he passed away in my arms one night from a massive brain haemorrhage – a major ruptured blood vessel in his brain. My whole world came crashing down all around me. Then I too began drinking to hide the agony of the loss. After about 2 years of drinking, my life picked up again, the hurt began to settle a bit, I moved to a new city, and I met someone who totally swept me off my feet. I stopped drinking – totally. I don’t even enjoy “social drinking”. But alas, I had fallen in love with another roaring alcoholic, and HIS drinking and hash smoking got so out-of-hand, the four years we were together featured many hurtful attacks, stealing money, sneaking out in the middle of the night, only to return in the wee hours of the morning, lying, cover-ups, excuses, guilt trips, emotional blackmail, and emotional manipulation. I even caught him late one night, trying to make love to someone else on my sofa in the living room – of course he was rip roaring drunk! Then came the physical abuse. We’d have an epic battle over something rather trite, upon which he’d fly up from the sofa, grab me by my throat, and throw me against a wall. Eventually we both agreed to split up and go our own separate ways. I was terrified of being all lone and abandoned, but saw no other choice. Since we separated, it has been the most peaceful, quiet and restful two months without all the heavy drama, fear, anxiety and deep, VERY deep hurts. Oh, he’s tried several times to convince me to give in and have us get back together again, but I only told him that there’s someone better out there for him. It isn’t the optimal way to live, but right now, after having my heart torn to pieces and broken beyond repair, I’ve decided to just be alone and enjoy the company of my many close friends and family. Besides, I have my adorable kitty cat with me, and I’m rather becoming used to it just being the two of us most evenings. I’m slowly enjoying the peace and quiet.

  • Julie21

    Hi Reyn, So sorry to hear you stepped into another dysfunctional relationship but i am so happy to hear you got out as soon as possible. Yes the peace and quiet is something we are finally enjoying this year at holiday time (my children and I) and it is a grand blessing! God bless everyone suffering through a dysfunctional relationsip with an alcoholic or addict or abuser. I am finding they all behave the same and cause the same heartache for their families. I am working on building my emotional health but things are progressing wonderfully! And i hope the same for you too!

  • Karen2

    Ben, Are you around? Think of you often.

  • leroy Johnson

    Well me and my girlfriend went through our drama. I caught her drinkingiI left her, she said once I left the house she disposed of the bottle. Before that I asked her to chose the bottle or me she chose the bottle. Days later we work it out. She been clean for about two weeks but I know at anytime she can jump of the wagon. She is a off and on drinker she will be good for a month or two then right back at it. I want this girl to be the mother of my children but that’s hard when she keeps drinking. She told me she can’t have a baby unless she is sober I don’t know if she is using that as excuse not to have one or if she is serious. We went to doctors to see our chances and they were good.But I don’t see that in our future I love this girl so much at the same time I want one kid I’m not getting younger I’m 42 she is 39 time is of the essence.

  • Ann

    Leroy,
    I encourage you to read through many of the stories and posts on this website. Please really think about what a lot of others are saying about how an alcoholic destroyed their families. I know every case is different but they are also all the same. There is always that chance that she may be the one who will turn her life around and you might be the one to help her with that. Unfortunately, that is the exception and not the rule. I am also close to your age and I understand what you are saying about wanting a child and not getting any younger. But please believe her when she tells you she needs to be sober first. She is not lying to you and she is not making that up to get out of having a child. That is the stone cold truth and at least she has some “insight” to see that. I do not have kids and but my alcoholic did. Alcohol destroyed his marriage to the mother of his child and I can tell you that even at an early age children can register that something is not right with daddy or mommy. I know you can’t see that now but I would encourage you to maybe go to an Al Anon meeting. I’ve only been to a couple myself but the stories you hear from spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends and other relatives of alcoholics are all eerily the same. Chances are there will be an adult child of an alcoholic there too and if you listen to them tell there stories of growing up it will be an eye opener. I understand where you are coming from, as I too, really thought I could help this man get better but in the end I couldn’t. I ended up being the enemy. It’s a really bad and hurtful place to be in. Trust me, you don’t want to be there with a child. I know you said that you are 42 and want a child with her. Only you can know if that is right for you so I won’t tell you that you are wrong. It is not wrong to feel how you feel. Just please take the time to learn more about alcoholism. It is not a fun thing to deal with. I wish you the best.

  • leroy Johnson

    Thanks I’ll thank about what you said

  • Siree

    +Leroy Johnson, everyone here hit the nail on the head! +Mike and +Amy describe my life to a T. Despite all appearances, alcoholics are incapable of participating in healthy, loving, and functional relationships. They want all of the good that relationships should offer, but they are incapable of the required thinking and behavior. This trait is often difficult to see initially since they are often charming, well liked and regarded as thoughtful by others. When you get close enough, however, you see the facade does not match their true character. They’ll gladly go out of their way for a stranger, but IF they go out of their way for you, trust and believe that they will try to use it as leverage to manipulate you in the future.

    You will inevitably become swept up in the Chaos that always seems to follow alcoholics and will invariably end up cleaning up the wreckage alone. If you have a child with this alcoholic, you can expect double the chaos and wreckage after the child comes. Here’s a tip. Never trust what an alcoholic says, just watch what they do. Those things are rarely the same with any consistency. In fact the ONLY thing alcoholics do consistently is drink.

    I suggest you read carefully what other partners of alcoholics have written here and run, don’t walk, away. Or you can do what I did. Ignore the red flags and spend the next several years in misery until you wake up and realize that being alone does not mean being lonely and that if it compromises your peace of mind, physical well being, and/or sense of personal value, even in the slightest, it is NOT love.

  • Pez

    I want to ask everyone here for your prayers!! My XABoyfriends 17 year old daughter has just got out of the hospital for a suicide attempt and eating disorder. This is directly realated to her fathers alcoholism and choices and treatment of others and her. I am so distraught over this. She is a beautiful girl inside and out!!

  • Julie21

    Prayers your way! That is horrible. My daughter is 17 so I can so relate to this. God Bless!

  • Pez

    Just want you all to know the daughter is doing fine thanx to your prayers. She was committed for about 5 days She is getting ongoing counseling and her mother is getting a restraining order against dad & the girlfriend.
    The Xab IS right now in 2 weeks of required in-patient rehab, he has lost his job now confirmed, So, he is loosing everything–me a good woman, his job, his daughter, maybe next his home? If he can’t get another job. Justice came quickly for me about 5 months but like I said it’s bittersweet. It never had to happen but he chose it to. I hope this wakes him up, but I don’t know if it will.

  • Julie21

    Thanks for the update Pez. God Bless his daughter and ex wife. I hope all continues to go in their favor to get his daughter where she needs to be.

  • Pez

    Another update. I went into court yesterday to testify for the daughter and the restraining order. He was there but really at this point I feel very detached–all that hurt and betrayal killed a lot in me. I think he was shocked I was there, I wouldn’t look at him. The judge was excellent and really got on him about his addiction. She claimed he’s still in denial and he is from what I obsereved. The daughter does not have to see him until she is ready and he can’t contact her. I left before everyone else so I did not have to walk out when he did. He’s loosing everything and still I can tell he can not grasp quitting forever. I swear, shame is seared as I found out he went out with the ho to dinner with his kids at Christmas and had no shame at what he did and who he’s with. Amazing! He has to continue random ETG tests now which are harder to fool cause they go back 2 to 3 days but he tried before and fooled them sometimes but not all. Where this disease/addiction will take someone is just mind boggling!

  • Sojourner

    Pez, Remember that it’s common for these sick folk to surround themselves w people that will make them feel better about who/what they are. I suspect that ex AB couldn’t escape facing the truth with you. You’re straight up but kind and intelligent, traits people like me prefer. So “chin up” on the ho, she’s a symptom of a horrible debilitating and might I say SICKENING disease.
    As for the daughter, even though this is devastating to her now, perhaps she will make the decision to never become a “drinker”.

  • Pez

    The reason he did what he did is because he wants what he wants. He wanted someone to accept him with his addiction. Any wasn’t straight with me about it. So he just dumped me suddenly for the ho. that’s the truth. They are very selfish people who use people up and throw them away. The only comfort I have is using her too. Because right now in the throes of addiction he cares for nobody only himself. oh yeah and he admitted he did it just to hurt me. So its not soft and fluffy pretty rude awakening anybody can be this evil. But that’s what addiction does to people. egotistical, evil, grandiose behavior, massive entitlement.
    the daughter will be fine she has a lot of support. In a good mother that won’t let her be harmed. In a judge that was wise.

  • Pez

    Hi sojourner, (forget who you are!). I vented above cause the stress of going to court and seeing him has brought back all those feelings of anger and betrayal. Sorry, but it just angers me his mother caters to him and all his bad behavior–she’s an enabler. Not even a happy B-day or Merry Christmas from her!! She is as deceptive as he is. I’m the kind that stands up for right and justice, I don’t care if they are related to me or not!! Well I thank God he is working around them and he is paying consequenses!! Bittersweet. Thanks for letting me VENT!!

  • Ann

    Pez- I wish I could be a strong as you. I wish I could find that place you are in. You are so right about how it seems like they always have a sense of entitlement and so very selfish! I still cannot believe how mean and evil someone can be and how I never saw it until the drinking was exposed. It is like he has no heart and no emotions. How do you get angry and to the point you are indifferent to them? I would give anything to get to that point. Something always reminds me of a “good” time and I miss that. I want that all to go away. You stay strong. You will definitely have better things and people in your life in the future.

  • Pez

    Well Ann, In my situation My XAB got worse and worse over about 4 years to where there was not very many good times to recount! So, I remember mainly the bad and atrocious! The arrogance, the usury of women, the lies are what I remember. I am not a game, I am a human being with a heart. I am very moral so these things appauled me. The extreme selfishness. I hate it. You get angry when you understand you are just a convieniece to a drunk. That they will throw you away like a piece of garbage if they loose control over you! This should make you angry. You are right, they don’t have a heart while using even when they are sober–their whole goal is HOW CAN I KEEP USING AND GET AWAY WITH IT. And they DON’T CARE WHO THEY HURT–PLEASE BELEIVE THIS IF YOU ARE STILL WITH YOUR A. Mine, as you read above, effected his 17 year old daughter to the point she was contemplating suicide and had to be hospitalised. And yet, he was very smug in court! Alcohol sears the emotions and hardens their heart to where all they care about is continuing their drug. As you may have read, Alcoholism is an insidious disease/addiction.

  • Ann

    Boy that is another thing you hit spot on! I feel like that’s exactly what happened. Once I could no longer be manipulated and used for his needs he threw me away. He had no problem letting me know I was and am garbage to him. I think that is part of my distress. I just don’t want to believe that this person I cared so much about never thought more of me than the trash he puts out to the curb. Once I called him on the drinking he supposedly sobered up and is sober but wants nothing to do with me. It hurts to be treated that way and it hurts that I allowed him to use me. Having someone in your life with an addiction kills your self esteem. All the lies and manipulation. You feel like you can even trust your own judgement. And believe me, if I had seen the reptile up front I would have ran like hell. But no, they have learned how to survive by using others. You are doing so well to have the attitude you do. I hope I can get there soon. And I hope your ex ab daughter continues to see it. It will save her this distress when she is older.

  • Pez

    Ann, I am a very self-confident woman. No one can tell me who I am. You need to be this too. My XAB never effected my self-worth!! You’ve got to know in your “knower” down deep inside you did nothing wrong and you were good to him–HIS LOSS. It still hurts, I know, to loose the dream of what it could have been (that’s our denial). Look at what IS and accept it not what it could have been. He’s a drunk and he won’t quit until he wants to or if he ever hits a rock bottom. I don’t believe for a minute your X has quit or not permanently. They say these things to “get to you”. I know I’m a catch, You need to know that too! His addiction has nothing to do with who you are.

  • Ann

    Thank you Pez. I needed that. I sat down this morning and started a “good times” vs. “Bad times” list. Its amazing when you write it all down how much bad there really is. I don’t believe he has quit for good either. I honestly can’t believe myself that I let someone be that way to me for so long. I believe you are right about the denial. I wanted and sometimes still want to believe that he is not that person. Thank you again. I really needed that pep talk. 🙂

  • Pez

    Me too Ann! I still want to believe, but I know the truth. It’s constantly bringing yourself back into reality that hurts sometimes. Mine has shown me who he really is. Being a drunk is no excuse to treat someone horribly and cause them such damage!

  • Pez

    What I want to know right now is: Do they have NO shame????? My XAB dumped me (a nice girl ad a good woman) 2wice for the Low-lifer, everyone knows what he has done, who he is and who she is, Yet he has the nerve to expect people to accept the girl he is with at the time? Pushing dinners and get togethers with children and family? If I did something like that I would be soooo embaressed. Is this seared too with all conscience?? How can he even show his face? It just baffels the heck out of me!!

  • Julie21

    Pez, I hear you it seems that no wonder how things go even in the courts mine is still so adamant that he is entitled to so much and he lies and lies even after getting caught in lies. When will it end? I am becoming frustrated that he continues to find things to fight in court even as things do not go his way and he loses everything little by little. What is wrong with him? The sad part is it affects me and my children as i have to continue to find funds to fight in court to keep them safe from him. And they feel angry frustrated and scared each time we have to go to court. I wonder why he has funds to hire an attorney and file silly charges but no funds to pay child support. Makes no sense to me.

  • Pez

    You know Julie, the more I hear about things like this the more when people say he just needs to grow up is so so true! They act exactly like spoiled little children who have not got their way. And when they don’t get their way they act out.I have read this kind of action begins in childhood. If their parents didn’t give them everything they wanted overlook their bad behavior they would cause a fit and they still do it today at whatever age they are, I believe alcohol does stunt growth and most alcoholics started in their teens.

  • Julie21

    Pez, you are absolutely right. It sounds like he will keep fighting or having tantrums as it may be until he gets his way. NO remorse …no i am sorry… and no attempts to make his own life better by making the right choices. So glad i did not take him back this time. Something to be happy about when i am counting my blessings. :)Hope you have a happy new year!

  • Pez

    Isn’t it so sad and tragic Julie some people never grow up to become a mature adults. I don’t expect any apology from my X unless he would get sober and realize what he has done but I think that is a far shot and I’m okay with that because I know who he is. blessed new year for everyone dealing with alcoholics we need it!

  • Julie21

    I’ll check it out. THanks Pez.

  • Bluewater

    What I really need to know is how to get my grown son out of our house and into rehab. I am tired of having to have to adapt our lives to suit his illness. I am so over all this BS and I want my life back to normal.

  • Mar'Sha

    Bluewater it’s going to be hard. You can try everything you can talk till you’re blue in the face, what it comes down to, your son is going to have to want to do this. For as the adaption I know exactly what you’re going through. Your son will have to hit rock bottom before he change.

  • Alex

    Just looking at my dad makes me furious. As everyone said, he goes through the selfish-guilty cycle, but the worst thing is that he tries to pass everything off as “things he does for his family”. I honestly want to kill him sometimes. I want out of this situation, of this house. My mother wants out too, but we have no where to go as he is the breadwinner. Meanwhile, I shoulder the responsibility for both of them, looking for work, filling out forms, making phone calls etc. We’re immigrants and they don’t want or need to learn how to do things on their own so long as they’ve got me to prey on. I’m so angry that both my parents have put these burdens on my shoulders, and with an alcoholic it’s even worse. I’m so tired. There’s no end in sight.

  • Bluewater

    Alex: How old are you? How badly do your parents really need your help? This last sentence from a message from Mike above resonates with me: “It’s like the person who has lived with mom and dad their whole life. Sometimes, the safety of home is better than the chance to be free, independent and happy. They’ve learned to see misery as comfort”. That’s my son right there. I feel like I am keeping him back from dealing with his drinking by sheltering him. My wife will not assist me getting him out of our house so we are planning to leave here without him. We are moving to another state and he is not coming, nor is he invited. This is gonna be hard, emotional and a bit cruel. I only hope that in the long run it will be liberating for all 3 of us. You might want to reconsider your options as your mom may be a lot more able if she has to be. If your old enough, split and see what happens.

  • Alex

    Bluewater: I wish I could, I want to, I’m an adult. Unfortunately, I’m a full time student in one of the most expensive and annoying cities in the world and simply don’t earn enough in my casual job to be able to leave and don’t have anyone willing to take me in. Until I can find my feet, all I can do is bear it and learn to live with it.

  • Nance

    I am reading all these posts and it all resonates.
    My “person” got mad at me because I moved two power tools that were mine under on to the porch 10 feet away where he was working because it looked like rain and he had come in the house, taken his shoes off and reclining on the sofa. He is forgetful, and I was about to go out and run errands. Rather than get upset they were ruined in the rain I calmly moved them and said I was, but not in a mean tone, just that I was concerned it looked like rain so had done it. HE BLEW UP AT ME! Said to leave them alone, it was not going to rain, that I need to put them the “F” back. I asked why was he so upset. He said because I was creating twice the work for him by moving the tools. Mind you he had to pass out the door to get to the work area again, and they were very light tools you could carry one in each hand. He called me a bit*h and a c*nt and raged. He pounded doors and walls and broke shelves in the refrigerator spewing food and liquids all over that he left there. I hated beer and his attitude and I grabbed the 4 pack I had bought to “keep the peace” (he has no job) and saw how insane “Peace” was with beer and threw it out in the yard in frustration and anger. I realized I was angry and immature and called a friend to calm down. She is knows recovery and al anon. I calmed down and then he demanded I go out and pick the beer up. In a very mean way and I said no. He then later demanded I buy more beer because I “ruined” that beer and I said no. He got outraged and left and said that just to remember, I was making this happen. I asked several times what is “this” and he said I would figure it out. For a bit I was confused. Even upset. Is he leaving me? Is he going to do bad things to himself? Did I make this happen because I moved the tools? The thing is no matter what a jerk I am or a bit*ch he has choices. He is a selfish man.He has no job. He broke the refrigerator. I pay for everything here. I do not know why I don’t stop loving him. Am I sick or crazy? I realize I can’t change him. I keep trying to find ways to set boundaries, take care of myself and the bills, and beer is not a priority if bills are due especially. He is not going to take care of any bills, or me. And I accept that. I am struggling that he breaks things and goes nuts when I don’t do what he wants, but it appears alcoholics are selfish miserable irrational people and I need to get the guts to get him out of my life. May I add when he is nice I have never met anyone nicer. I met him when he was clean and sober. He was a dear. I know I can’t make him stop but how do I protect my things and myself?

  • Ray

    If your question is “how do I protect my things and myself”? the answer is simple. You can’t. These people are hell bent on destruction. They will destroy themselves and you along with them. Your not sick or crazy. He is. The only way you can protect yourself and your stuff is by leaving him, or getting him to move out. You can love him from a distance. At some point you will have to make the decision to save your self. And the sooner the better. I certainly do not believe that you should be buying him beer. My wife and I have finally decided that the best thing that we can do for our son and ourselves is to move to another state.. We have been hesitant to do this, and have been putting it off now several times. We have no choice. Its going to be very difficult. Hopefully without us around to provide for him, he will buckle down and get help. Or die. There are no easy solutions here for anybody.

  • Nance

    I had him move out before. We were apart for two years. I thought things had changed. Or that I could cope better and compromise. They seem crazier then ever! If I fight back I am a female dog. If I stay calm, he says I am a phoney. When I break down and cry out of frustration and pain he mocks me and says I am trying to manipulate him. He seems to have very little heart left, less than even two years ago. I bought him beer for myself, I guess a futile stupid attempt to have one day of peace. I have been refusing and the days are hell since he has no job and thinks I MUST buy it and I am stingy, selfish, etc. I needed a day of rest so I could get work done. I work from home. I was wrong to give in. When I had mine move out, he found another woman to support him after his brother and his brothers girlfriend got tired of supporting him. I kept thinking if his brother put his foot down, his brother who ALWAYS enabled, he would face his problems and grow up. Nope. He found an alcoholic girlfriend who lives with and off her elderly rich mother. He said he hated it there, and he loved me and he seemed to be working and helping those people. So between being jealous and stunned and him working and seeming sad he was not with me, I tried again. I appreciate you sharing your story. Right now I actually hope he gets arrested or put in a mental hospital to get help, but even then if a person does not want it it wont work…I pray but you are wise I think to have the guts to move away. I am a single woman, 54, all alone on 2 acres with no children or much family. I feel afraid of a lonely future but I tell myself that might be better than a hell that does not seem to get better. Thanks for letting me vent. And for sharing your story. I pray your son gets help. He is an adult. No matter what he has choices and can not blame others for his choices. Mine never takes responsibility. Others always make him do things or do not help him enough. No help is ever enough for him. He wants more and more. Take care. God bless.

  • Nance

    Ray thank you for saying I am not crazy
    He tells me over and over I am
    That I am a basket case and a ticking time bomb….the weird thing is that is how I see him.
    Also I do not “lose it” normally and will stay calm for days and he pokes and pokes and then if I react it is over. I am a crazy person.
    I even sometimes wonder if I am and I just can’t see myself as others do?
    That is a scary thought.

  • […] Angry With An Alcoholic Excerpt: “Just the other day I had a horrible bout with feeling angry about several things. Actually, I was furious to the point of not being able to have much self control. My emotions were way off balance, so much that I felt intense anger for about ten hours. I was overtaken and extremely uncomfortable with what I was feeling and just couldn’t seem to shake the negative emotions. I lost a lot of sleep, said things I shouldn’t have said and caused hurt and pain in someone that I really love.” […]

  • Hello,
    I have posted on AF many times looking for support, relief and advice.
    I have received all three. It takes me days even weeks sometime to get back and write what has been happening because I get so drained from my husbands ways. I am 33 married to an 52 year old alcoholic with ptsd that knows how to say and do everything we(the sober ones) want to see and hear to make us fall in love and continue to believe they will change and get better. My husband continually leaves home around 1 or 2pm or somewhere around there for some reason to not return home until 2 or three in the am sloppy, pissy drunk. I feel like my situation is a little different because my husband is not physically abusive. He comes home angry and in a drunk uproar but it’s usually at somebody that he felt did something to him on the way home or his family didn’t treat him right for some apparent reason. I feel like I am the abusive one! My husband has been emotionally abusive our whole relationship but has never been as bad as he is now. We have an 8 month old baby girl that he says he loves to no end but he can never find the consideration to call home and check on her when he is out all day and night. He has in the past not come home for days with no call of his wherabouts only for me to become an investigator and find him drunk in a motel with his crack head alcoholic ex who by the way got arrested for getting behind the wheel of MY CAR that my husband took off in 4 days prior. I had to pay to get my own car out of tow while he had nothing to say when I pitifully surprised him at the motel he was staying in and drove his drunk funky butt home! I also just had a baby not even 2 month before this via csection! What hurts is that this is not the only hurtful thing that has happened during his drunken days. I have posted a few of my issues on here under different subjects, but now I’m just lost. I have been arguing with my husband when he comes home almost 13 hours later from when he left! I have been emotionally beaten. I end up forgiving him and making love to him like all is ok and then of course that goes on for a day or two and the promises that suck me in and the brokeness that I harbor all day everyday and the anxiety that hits at night or when he’s drunk goes away and then the sun goes down, comes back up and I’m sick all over again with him gone, missing and drunk! I am tired! He went to inpatient treatment starting October 8th returned home december 8th! I thought I was finally going to be normal again and he was acutally going to try hard this time! He relasped on christmas!!! 3 weeks after coming home from treatment! He had neglected me and a new baby 5 days after she was born and I didn’t see it coming! I was traumatized! I am still traumatized! It made me physically ill when I realized he had relapsed! I felt dark all over again. I was destroyed, scared and felt hopeless. So here we are in February and he is supposed to do inpatient detox, but the VA told him that there is a waiting list and that he can do outpatient detox at home!!! How is this possible? He can’t stop drinking there is alcohol everywhere he goes! He drinks and drives! I don’t see how he get’s away with it!!! I know it’s not right but sometimes I wish he would get pulled over!!! I know that’s not right but what’s it going to take?? I have carried so much hurt pain anger and now resentment and I prayed away the hate but sometimes I think I hate him, but I don’t. I get so emotionally distraught that I find myself going off on him and hitting him and just unloading. It usually comes out after in his drunk mind and mood decides to tell me that there is something wrong with me because I am sick and tired of him constantly disrespecting and using me up. I have a baby to be well for and I have even allowed myself to become so weak that I yell at him in front of her! I feel horrible. I want out! I don’t know how to get out! He pays the rent and when he is drunk he makes it clear that I can’t afford our rent by myself when I am the one with the job! He is just so hurtful! He does get VA benefits and SSD but he just started getting that this past March! I have always been the one to support US! now he acts like the money I make is “peanuts” is what he calls it and like I never carried him all of this relationship. I cut my hours back after baby was born which still is a pretty good income and I pay all the other household bills. All he pays is the rent! and whatever he has racked up for himself! I can buy all the household things we need and all the baby stuff at the beginning of the month but that’s all I do using his card. So technically he pays the rent and the household things we need. I pay the lights, the cable, the renters ins, the car insurance and buy the groceries! But still he makes me feel like I’m not doing anything and that my little money is nothing! He say’s “my bills are paid” why aren’t yours paid? I don’t get how he can be married to me and treat me so divided? I don’t feel love from him anymore. He is not the man I thought he was. He is a mean foul mouthed drunk that keeps me feeling manipulated and confused. I consider myself to be a pretty smart gal but I have been so mentally tired that I don’t think straight these days and I just feel really low. I do everything for him. I care for him more than myself it seems like! He has diabetes and hypertension and has already been told that he has a fatty liver and nephritis, which is an inflamed liver! it worries me! But, tonight during another argument I guess started by me or fueled by his drunken attitude told that I was overly caring! Well, is there something wrong with that? I did call his psychologist and left a message voicing my concern about him doing outpatient detox. I tried to do this discretely but my husband walked in as I was hanging up the phone and he asked me who i was talking to and I had to think quick so I said “oh I was leaving a message for my dad. I felt horribe! I never lie to him, yet he lies to me all day everyday! So, I politely went into the bathroom where he was to feel him out but of course he was looking at me like I had crap on my face had a mean attitude and was talking to me like I didn’t matter. I told him who I had really called and he blew up about that. Mind you he has his cousin sitting in the living room who showed up unexpectantly around 1 in the afternoon. It was 6pm when we were having this argument. Why is he even still here? He drinks and smokes weed and I hate it!!!! His family members are enablers! They don’t care!!! I can’t stand it! My husband makes me feel like I am the monster. I am afraid that if I up and leave he will take my little girl from me somehow… Is this possible? He’s an alcoholic! I think he is using the fact that I physcially slap him and push him when I am really hurt and upset usually after he has pretty much made me feel like he doesn’t care that I am hurt after I have pleaded all that I could. I just feel like there is nothing left to do!!! I don’t do this in front of the baby though… yelling is bad enough and it is not everyday that I feel pushed to that limit. Can he say that I am violent and make the judge take away custody from me? I am the one truly abused! I am lost, confused and hurt! I want to leave but I don’t know how… Does anyone know how I can leave with my little girl without him trying to take her from me? He is not fit to be a parent! I have been doing it all on my own since she was born. I am so torn I didn’t see this coming. Someone, please help. I have gone to a couple of al-anon groups but I just felt like I was getting answers. I saw a psychologist for the first time on Monday and I’m not sure if she can help me yet. I don’t think she get’s that I am traumatized just yet. Please anyone, I need help and advice. I am thinking about going to a hotel for a few days, just so I can relax and sleep without anticipating what mood is coming in the door at 2 or 3 am and being on guard to make sure he doesn’t wake the baby. I caught him in her nursery sitting in my glider chair just rocking while she was asleep in her crib at 3am last week. He reaked of liquor and was just pitiful. I made him get up and leave!!!(quietly) I am just all over the place! He makes me feel crazy and like I am the one abusing him… I don’t bother him I try to stay out of his way most of the time and I still tend to my wifely duties of taking care of him and making sure he is loved. I am a good mom and our baby is happy and healthy! Why can’t we be happy and healthy!! Anybody please help with advice on how to get out or just how to keep my sanity. I do pray and I know putting my hands on him is not right, but I don’t hit him with a fist or objects I just kind of lose it with fast repeated slaps on his chest or arms while “yelling you are destroying me”!! I’m not trying to justify but he is 6ft almost 300lbs. I am 5’8″ still carrying some baby weight which has me at 213 but I am not that strong and he is way more powerful than I am. I just feel crazy… Please help!!!

  • Mariel

    I’m living with an alcoholic mother and I don’t even know what to do anymore. She was my absolute best friend; we used to do everything together, tell each other everything. I went off to college and when I came back four years later she was so far deep into her addiction that nothing I could say or do could get her to stop. She recently got a DUI and has court next week. I put my foot down today and told her that I would drive her to work if she would stop drinking; immediately a guilt trip starts. “I did EVERYTHING for you as your mother; it’s okay I thought you’d be there for me it’s okay that you’re not, I’ll just find another ride.” While reminding her that she is creating these problems for herself. I get why people say alcoholism is a disease but I feel like that word takes a lot of the responsibility off of the situation. “It’s a disease” yes and when you have a disease you go to the doctor and get treated for it and take the proper steps to get better. I’m just angry all of the time. I’m extremely busy in my personal life with work and volunteering and studying for the GRE; it’s stressful but I really do enjoy my life to it’s fullest extent…until I get home and it’s another episode with her. I oscillate between feeling angry and feeling horrible for feeling angry. Between wanting to help her and just wanting her to want to help herself. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Erica

    Why don’t you leave? How old are you?

  • marilyn

    Reading though all these story’s is everything I went though with my x ah
    All they think about is themselfs they put the blame on you there selfish and don’t give a care about you except themselves
    They tell you what you what they want you to here they manipulate you there liers in fact there vile people
    Best thing I done was got rid and the only thing that keeps me going is I look around and say to myself look what I got a nice home I got friends my family and what has he got nothing except a vile disease that only he sort sort out for himself because you think you can help an alcoholic but you can’t all you you do is put up with there crap so anyone there lives with an alcoholic di the right thing and run because all they do is destroy you its the best thing I ever done

  • Zita

    My husband is a recovering alcoholic….at 61 he almost died from drinking even though he had up to that point, been very functional, but the drinking caught up with him and he has been sober for 1 1/2 years. Just at the point where I told my sister I was leaving him, he got sick and I stood by him while he got sober and I’m glad I did. Now, my daughter is a non-functional alcoholic who is still working but will soon be out of a job as she is going to work drunk. Her husband is an enabler and their marriage is always on and off which confuses the heck out of my 10 year old grandson. This grandson called 911 a few months ago because of his parents fighting and once again, my daughter found herself in court. I’m not sure of what transpired there because I have distanced myself from their craziness. The only thing I’m grateful for is that my grandson comes to my home every morning until school starts. I make sure he has a good breakfast and he knows that his grandparents love him and care about him. As far as my daughter goes, I speak to her only when I have to and there is not a relationship any longer….I have put up with so much crap with her that I now do not get involved in her life at all. It is what it is….it’s just so sad. When she drinks she is just plain nuts, so I never know from one day to the next who I’ll be dealing with. I have told her that unless she stops drinking that I do not want any relationship with her…..I try not to think about it too much because it is just too painful.

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