While the alcoholic is having a great drunken time it will usually bring out the worst possible behaviors in our personality. Living with or associating with a family member, friend or co-worker who drinks regularly stirs up negative behaviors inside of us.
We get angry, anxious and are continually filled with worry. Our suspensions cause us to follow them around and investigate as many aspects of their lives as we possibly can. We interrogate them and try to control the things that they are doing so that we will feel better when they are not drinking. We do not trust them and for good reasons too. We call them names. We call them constantly on the phone wondering when they will be coming home or what they are doing.
These character defects along with many others, if allowed to continue, can destroy us mentally, physically and spiritually. Alcoholism is a serious matter and the sooner you learn how to take care of yourself the better off everyone will be.
“BUT, IF THEY WOULD JUST STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK!”
You have no control over their choices, but you can stop letting the alcoholic push your buttons to the point of where you lose control of yourself. Think about it, how many times have you gotten upset over their behaviors and they just continue to be numb to it all? Yes, they seem to laugh, hang from the chandeliers and have a great time whether we approve of it or not.
You can stop letting the actions of others dictate your moods!
Personality traits of the alcoholic you should accept:
-Understand that alcoholics lie a lot.
-They keep everyone either angry or anxious.
-They put the focus on what everyone else is doing because they feel so poorly about themselves.
-They will never tell the truth about how much they have had to drink, when they started or when they intend to stop in a day.
Try accepting these things about your situation:
-Nothing you do will make them stop drinking alcohol.
-You cannot control their drinking patterns.
-You did not cause them to drink.
How to Identify Your Worst Behaviors and What is Causing Them
Try keeping a journal on a daily basis. Commit to write in it several times a day. Every time you get mad at the alcoholic, write it down. When ever they do anything to alter your mood, make a new entry. Let all of your feelings out on the paper. Do this for thirty days straight. I promise you that you will begin to see the things that are causing you to get upset all of the time. Your personality defects will begin to surface.
After thirty days of journaling, go back through the pages and make a list of the things that bring out the worst in your personality when interacting with the problem drinker in your life.
Then make a second list of how you can do things differently to stop responding in negative ways.
Here are a few suggestions:
-Stop confronting the problem drinker.
–Quit arguing with the alcoholic.
-If what you have to say is not “necessary, true or kind,” DON’T SAY IT!
-Do not step into the arguing ring with them.
-Don’t answer the phone when they repeatedly call.
-Never have a serious conversation about life when they have been drinking. Talking about the bills and responsibilities of life after they have a few drinks in them is non productive. So, save your breath by simply telling them that you do not care to discuss that.
-Make it a point to be kind to them rather than mean and disapproving.
Here’s how this system works, once you begin to recognize what the worst things are that are surfacing in your personality, you can deal with them with positive things. They way you stop letting an alcoholic bring these bad personality traits out is by finding positive ways to respond to your feelings.
Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you, let go of them and give them to God. Start having some healthy fun in your own life rather than constantly obsessing over the alcoholic in your life. We have many articles on this site that can help you in beginning to enjoy your life again. It is possible to stop focusing all of your attention on what they are doing all of the time.
I became a raving lunatic. Never ever want to go back down that road again. I now have serenity. Am so glad that he left us. Never thought I would say that
I can not believe the things I have said and done because I was so angry at him for drinking… wow this is so true!
I became someone I never thought could exist…. I was almost worse then he was at times 🙁
Sad very sad
I let the alcohol that has control of him.. control me as well
This is true. He know how to push my buttons. I had become verbal and physical with him. Until, I said to myself No More… He blame everyone and everything why he drinks. He recently got a DUI thought it would change him but it didn’t… It only changed me. My life have changed since I’ve been with him, I use to be a happy person. I am trying to get my life back. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t read How to Cope with a Alcoholic Thank You. It is teaching me that I am not the blame for his drinking.
Its sad and sick and we don’t realise just how sick we became until we are out of that situation and can look back and see it for what it was. I thought love could conquer all, I learnt the hard way that it dosent mean a damn thing. The disease is way bigger than any amount of love. Infact, after a while, you forget what love is as you are just angry and irritable and suspicious and anxious and depressed. Not worth the time or energy.
It is sad that we don’t realize how it impacts us. We are the ones that can only do something about it. Brigitte you are right the disese is way bigger than any amount of love. I feel like i am on the back burner the alcohol is more important to him. Maybe one day he will see who is important to him.
Hi mar,sha & brigitte & sarah. Interesting comments,,its really hard to watch someone you love turning into something you never thought anyone could become.My gf told me she fell in love with me,,i fell in love with here,i thought we were close then one day,bang she said she couldnt see me anymore,turned out she admitted she had drink problem,,high functioning alcoholic as they say,,in house at night,wine out,,keeps good job,clever etc etc.She used all sorts of excuses before she told me she was on the booze,,,blaming me for the reason we finished. As you have said already,they turn us mad ourselves,,i felt awful,,asking myself where i when wrong,,why has this happened. She turned so nasty to me out the blue,,really looked like she didnt give a shit,,i dont know if you see the same as me but once she had admitted she had a problem she then seemed to despise the fact i knew,as if u become their enemy.She caused arguments by text at night,,after having a drink obviously,,would come out with horrible comments like dont contact me again,leave me alone,,even told me i wasnt up to the job ,,i take it that meant taking her and her problems on,,,as if thats a privilage,,jesus,,If we retaliate and stick up for ourselves they call us bitter and twisted.. I saw a loving nice caring lady “or thats what i fell for “” she turned overnight into something evil and non caring selfish,,cold callous person,,she must have hidden it well from for 4 months. She musnt have been able to contain it any longer..Like you have said in ur posts “you would think love would win,,it does with us as we are not alcohol dependant,, but it doesnt win,,the drink seems to win,,there mind suddenly goes all out to dismiss us as soon as we know. We try and offer help,we get belittled and rejected,,makes us feel so ill in the end.We get so frustrated with them and ourselves it cause hatred in the end. We loved them once so much,,i still love her,,i think she will know that,,however she chooses to totally ignore me now,,she said she just wanted me to try and understand why she did what she did,,that means why she finished us,,she implied she did it so not to hurt me,,but she wouldnt explain,, i just have to summize she did it for me,,,but when we try and talk to them and get to the bottom of things they just seem like someone you never really knew. So non caring and cold,,thats why we need these sites,,to talk learn and educate,,so us and others can be aware of the hidden dangers to our emotional well being.Will we ever trust again”its hard to imagine isnt it”Maybe we,ll never know,,,but one think we do know is that these alcoholic dependant people will ruin not just their lives but all the ones that cared so deeply for them,,and they just cant see it.God bless them!! soo sad.
Nice guy you nailed it. My ex left me for other woman 20 years ago. She came to my house with gun. He sent her away and said he wanted to be with her. Now after 20 years and I have remarried he wants to be friends. I tried it on Facebook but some of the things he said just pushed my buttons. Finally messaged him and told him I was kicking him off and that I could not handle it because of all the past hurts. He told a mutual friend that he wants to get back together with me eventually. When I mentioned the woman and how hurtful it had been he denied it even happened. He married her for God’s sake! How could he deny it? Called me bitter! I thought I was just protecting myself. HE got mad at me. Amazing. Married another Alcoholic. High functioning but still an alcoholic. That says something about me I guess. They are good at conning you and I fall for it all the time. Not good at boundaries. Came from a family that preached you had to be nice, nice nice. Got a lot of discipline for any time I was not as nice as it was expected. This is what I finally figured out but maybe too late to save my life quality. When living with an alcoholic I realized that we are living under tow different sets of rules. They get to do anything they want and if we say anything we are not nice people. You can never win by playing a game where the rules are different for you than the other person.Wish I could change it but the past is gone so now have to pay the price of my bad decisions.
I became a lunatic too. I was a easy going trusting young girl when we met. I turned into a bag of nerves, jealous, angry, suspicious, depressed you name it I became it.
I left December 2013 its been hard as he tried for 8 months to get back, twice I thought about it but I am so glad I never went back. My AH lies are worse he has been drinking for 13 months, he’s ill, drunk, depressed or hung over. We are still in contact as we have kids. I offered my AH to go into a private rehab and get to the bottom of why he drinks! wouldn’t do it doesn’t have a problem etc That said it all for me. He seems to have the life he wants, he can drink 24/7 and I think he does. He is still very angry and yes blames me for everything, he forgets all his lies, o/w, cocaine etc.
It breaks my heart when I see how bad he looks but I can do nothing to help him. I pray for him every night hoping he will get help. X
I think you did the right thing to maintain ur sanity,i think if he wouldnt go to the clinic and try and stop when you and kids were there for him and give him support,,then he will never do it now.Unfortunately he will just get worse and the results will then be horrible for your kids especially,,seeing their father go down this route in life.Hopefully they will learn from it and may grow up to try and help people with their problems,after seeing it for real.As for you !you have life experience so your one step ahead of them,however to move on is still difficult.My gf is a strong woman,not a drunk in the day or anything,,just drinks at night,,not to a bad extent,,or at least i only saw it once!! she didnt want or like me seeing her like that,,she knows she has a problem,,wether she is trying to combat it or not,,i,ll never know,,she wont even reply to a text.Thats just the way it is i afraid.We got to live with it and learn by it.
The reason your gf doesn’t drink in front of you is because she knows she has no control when she starts. My AH is the same he went on binges for weeks because he never wanted his kids to see him drunk. It is a horrible disease but only the A can do something about it we can support them but they have to want to stop. My AH ignores me when he is drinking but texes and phones when he is sober. Sad Sad Sad for all involved.
Hi Tracy,thanks for comments,What i cant understand is when we were courting we,d go out 7ish she drink wine all night at a normal pace,,and i never noticed any different to her drinking from anyone else,, she,d have about 6 to 9 large glasses of white wine,,she never seemed to be phased by this,,My understanding of the situation now after reading comments on these sites to get answers are as follows…. In the opinion of those ive talked too they think that she seemed to control her drinking to a certain degree when she was with you,,these amounts were probably not much for her,,i dont know,,she didnt seem anxious or anything,,we were great together on nights out.Its been suggested to me that when she cancelled our nights out and said she was going to bed and she didnt feel well,,,she was probably feeding her needs to have a larger alcohol intake those nights,,in other words , get hammered and nobody knows.She didnt seem to have a problem controling the drinking at all when i was with her,,she didnt need to drink in the day,,maybe a couple of glasses at dinner time when we were out for a meal,,she didnt have a problem leavin the pub,,on a few occasions i noticed she left glasses half ful of wine,,,so its weird to try and fathom out what makes her tick to drink to excess.She once said to me in a text, “i have some control most of the time!!!but not always..but she wouldnt explain what she does or what happens when she loses control.How are we supposed to understand if they wont tell us about it,,if they say they have a problem , my gf admitted she had a problem to me in the end,,then we can try to understand them better,,try not to say things to them to rock the boat if u like.Is it true they are so defensive when pissed,,,i only saw my gf pissed once,,or at least she said she,d had a lot to drink but she looked fine to me,,her voice was normal,,but there was horrible looks on her face and in her eyes,,she threw me out of her house on that night,totally out the blue,,and she hated it the nextday knowing i,d seen her in that state of mind,,thats when she finished me again,,,what for,i,ll never know.. Was it shame,is it for us they do it,,so not to hurt us,,thats what she implied,is it for them so they dont have to be accountable for what they do,,they are so secretive,why bother getting close to someone then,,just telling them at the last minute ur alcohol dependent,,oh yeah just ruin their life as well after leading them up the garden path and not telling the truth for month. Shocking behaviour i think..Rant over,,good night all,good to chat.
I live with a dry drunk and all these statements ring true with me. I’ve noticed his patterns of being angry with his own things and then turning it around on me. Like I’m the bad guy. He just picks fights when he is mad about something else. And the selfishness… I still can’t get over it. Like today, our daughters birthday party. He is mad that I didn’t do something that was more fun for him. And that I invited people he doesn’t like that much even though they are family or are friends with or daughter. Sorry at not all about you. The he gesso far as to say that I’m the downer in our life. Right. I have had to follow the wisdom of this sight and realize that his anger is being projected into me.
Question for you out there that have stuck with your alcoholic…. How do you do it? I find myself wishing that he would leave us.. Often. I am not one to give up or leave the situation, because I am trying to be kind, understanding, etc. No one is perfect and we all have our demons. But, is it possible to live our entire lives knowing we will be treating like crap due to this disease? Or is that just something we now have to settle for? My husband has been sober for over a year, but this stuff isn’t getting better. He’ll be nice, respectful for a little while and then go back into selfish mode. I need advice on how to cope.
Being ” kind ” to my alcoholic husband seems to make him think it’s ok to drink more . He is so manipulative and so in love with alcohol that he has told me I can leave , alcohol stays . I feel that in my case no contact with him is the only way I can heal
As much as I try, he sucks me in! I told him to go kill himself because he was a waste of space…..I was fuming and now I feel horrible. Who says those things. Im embarrassed of my behavior.