So my story is just like all of yours and others that you have read on here, living with an alcoholic. So I am going to spare you the anxiety ridden stories and heartbreaks of the all too familiar, living with all of the anxiety, panic, anger and commotion that the alcoholic causes daily, while you are trying your best to keep peace and a normalcy for your children in your home, as well as doing your best to follow the great things that you learn from this site.
Click Here To Listen To Janeals Story
Believe me, I have plenty that I could share. I have been following for a long time now and love reading the articles and the mere fact that any of us can relate to each other’s story on many different levels and some completely parallel. I also love the comradery that abounds and helps everyone here, including me that reads them all from the shadows. With that being said, it’s time I come to the forefront and ask for some help.
I am at a point in my life where my husband has just crossed the line too many times (legal near misses). I have asked him to move out, but he refuses!
My lawyer has advised me that under no circumstances to leave, or that is considered abandoning the home and could cause me to lose my equity part in our home, and other undesirable consequences. Additionally, the children need to stay where they are because the trauma is enough already in homes with addicted individuals. I do not need to add moving to a different home to this traumatic situation as well.
But I now feel that the longer I stay, I know that the dysfunction is damaging our children and me.
Since I had an intervention for my husband 3 years ago, my husband now drinks in secrecy. I never see him drink, but I know, or at least have a really good idea that he does.
Ever since I tried to kick him out the first time for running around with our son and his friends and using family money to “play” with them (mostly while he was out of a job for 2 years, financially ruining us), I told him then, NO MORE alcohol, period, in our home.
So I’ve tried to kick him out several times since then. He just won’t leave!
So fast forward, I found out in December 2015 that he had been still drinking, buying alcohol and hanging out with the teenage boys including our son. Which he had been forbade from contacting or seeing as well (he said that he didn’t tell me that he was still hanging out with this particular 17 yr. old kid, and he wasn’t lying to me, but because he knew how I felt about him and the situation and didn’t want to hurt my feelings)
Interesting Facts: Repercussions Of Giving Alcohol To A Minor
So the Police showed up at our door and said that there had been a report that he was buying alcohol for an undisclosed number of underage boys. All of their parents had been told, but until one of them came forward with a statement and proof, all they could do was watch him. So, he only got a warning. That is serious! And completely unacceptable to me.
So once again, I told him to move out! He continues to refuse to leave!
So now this last weekend, long story short, something told me to go and look in our Son’s room, and lo and behold, I found enough stuff to start a small business! Vape materials, bongs, with peculiar residue in them (that was not marijuana) and lots of alcohol! So I searched the whole room and boxed it all up and confiscated it.
Now, my son of course, and my husband are both mad at me because I “violated” our son’s room and now “I am not going to have a relationship with him for the rest of my life!” (I think that is ridiculous, making me the bad guy in the situation when I only did what any self-respecting adult should/would have done!) But of course my husband said that I have most likely drove our son back into these things because our son was trying to stop abusing them, and what I did will push him right back into it. I know that is a load of crap. I do not understand why or how my husband has that kind of enabling attitude, or thought process. It was not a surprise to my son I am sure, as I have always been very vocal about what is allowed and what is not in our home, because of the different types of characters being brought into our home.
At one point, I arranged for a place for my daughters to go when I was at work or gone, because I didn’t trust them to be there with what my husband was allowing to come in and out of our home when I wasn’t around.
I have given him 2 major chances to straighten up.
Now this situation with my son has just pushed me to my limit. Him telling me that by me taking his illegal things out of his room, let alone searching it, was out of line on my part without talking to him first (This is why I didn’t talk to him. I knew that he would be against it and most likely try to stop me). I wouldn’t doubt for a minute that some of it was his and that he funded and or bought all of it, as my son is not old enough. He went on saying that he was “counseling him”, they have “open communication” and our son was trying to do better. He said I was just ripping the family apart with being so nosey and controlling and that I need to keep my nose out of everyone else’s business.
You all know the drill…
Anyway, I am wondering what steps or where to start just to prepare to “get away”. I am so done with the lies and secrecy, let alone disrespect in my own home. As well as the fact that I don’t want my daughters thinking that this kind of dysfunction is normal or okay.
I do go to al anon, which helps keep me sane to a point, but I feel like I have done, and am past the whole ignore and live with them suggestions.
We have been married for 23 years. It is hard because of the good memories, but the thought of literally packing up that much “stuff” to move on is just so daunting to me especially that I am already beaten down and exhausted, mentally and physically, tired of living with alcoholism in my life.
Any advice, on where to start the process of what to do in order to make the break?
I know in my heart that it needs to happen. There are too many things that he has done, betrayal, lied and promised he would change…
He will not go to AA or counseling. This tells me that nothing is going to change. He thinks telling me that things are going to change and then sending me cutesy texts asking me how I am, how is my day etc., multiple times every day, all day, even more so when he knows that he is in trouble with me is somehow supposed make me think he is attempting to change. That actually happened last weekend.
So I don’t know whether to just file for divorce and let the cards fall where they may, or file a protective order given the suspicion that he is giving alcohol to children in our home ie our son, so that he will be forced to leave.
Article: How To Handle Divorcing An Alcoholic
I mostly just don’t know where to start or “the process” to do it. I don’t know why doing the protective order thing makes me feel mean and like a bad guy to do it that way. He won’t just leave.
I know that obviously he doesn’t care how or if he hurts me. I’m not like him though.
My 17 and 13 yr. old daughters act more like an adults than he does. (They are both very responsible and great children, especially for the environment they have been brought up in, but they both have more common sense and act more like an “adult” when it comes to situations than he does). He conducts himself like he is 14 years old most of the time.
I just don’t know what to do? I am mostly emotionally drained and depressed. Please any suggestions or help to point me in the right direction will be greatly appreciated.
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My heart goes out to you.
I think that you are doing a great job trying to keep sane.
I know we should not offer advice. However,you did ask for suggestions.
I imagine, you may love him. Even after all this…in your mind and heart you feel you love your husband.
But you love your children, too.
IF he ever seeks recovery, you could work on getting back together.
Giving him a free place to stay is not helping him. It is enabling him. Your choice, but seeing an adult condone illegal and destructive activity in minors is not good for anyone.
Ok..I will cut to the point. Why aren’t you hiring an good attorney and divorcing him to protect yourself, your children and for him to have consequences for his actions?
You might have very good reasons. From the outside, I think he has cleared crossed the line.
I am not judging. People do not understand my feelings for my addict alcoholic. He is, not living with me now. It was hard. But it was for the best for BOTH of us. Hugs.
I meant “clearly” crossed the line…not cleared.
Oh and who says you have to pack his stuff? I know that is exhausting. If he does not pack it himself, oh well. Either let it be till you have the energy to throw it out or take it to the curb. I know this sounds hard but looking in from the outside and having living with an alcoholic addict myself–I know it is exhausting! It is not your responsibility to pack his things. You did bring children into the world. Until they are grown adults, that IS your responsibility to keep them safe.
What a crazy ride you have been on. I’m inspired to hear that although your alcoholic is trying to manipulate how the relationship really is with your son that you can clearly see what’s going on and are not allowing that to grow over to your conscious. That requires so much strength. I can understand why you are confused about which road to take now. Some times i think we may just want permission to persue the option we already know is the right one for us. Talk to your professional again, search for another option, is there something you can put in writing to say you and your girls are going on holiday so it is quite clear that you aren’t abandoning the house? Maybe if you have a break the way forward will seem clearer?
Goodluck sending you love and peaceful sleeps x
I am in a similar situation, except my son is 9 and I have only been married to this man for 3 years. He has been stopped 5 times for DUI, ruined my credit, had a vehicle repossessed, and the verbal emotional abuse is too much. He has been court ordered to stop drinking, but that is the only reason because he is having to take urine tests and wear the ankle brace. He begged me for another chance, but he has hurt my heart so much I do not feel the same anymore. I have asked him to leave several times, and he refuses to go. I don’t want another fight that like in front of my child. so, what to do? so I am waiting, wasting my life waiting for some peaceful exit of this marriage. You have my empathy. If you need to talk further, I totally feel you.
Janeal, it sounds like you have finally reached the point where the pain of staying in this relationship is greater than the fear of ending it.
In my experience, God was the one who led me out of the abusive bondage I was entangled in. He knows the end before the beginning. Stay close to Him and I know He will lead you in making the right choices.
I enjoy using the “search” feature on this website. I just entered the words “making decisions” and this article was in the results that I think you might enjoy reading:
It sounds like a war zone, Off the top of my head these are what i would consider, 1. ask your lawyer what the next step should be, in the case that he won’t leave(have you seen war of the roses? you don’t want it to end up like that movie) 2. Can you sell the house? 3. Consider Abandoning the home and bringing the kids with you 4. Changing the locks 5. Have the police remove him, or go ask the police what you should do in this case 6. get another bank account and cut him out of the finances, since your the bread winner. 5. go start divorce proceedings and hand him the papers 6. Turn him in when he is doing something illegal, and then change the locks.
He may not be very honest, but you can be. Lay it all out there, without being mean or disrespectful, keep reiterating your stand. Let him know your finished with it and you don’t believe anything he says, and your moving on without him. If you can sell the house it might be the best way.
Paula, it’s people like you that keep me coming back to this site. I love the freedom that we have here to encourage others with suggestions for change.
I agree, a good attorney can help created a workable plan where actions can start being taken toward change rather quickly.
I also agree, it’s time to not put up with anymore shenanigans. If the opportunity arises to have him arrested for his illegal activates, DO IT.
DON’T BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL WHEN HE GETS ARRESTED!
Janeal, you are on the edge of making “life altering” changes… get seriously plugged into Al-anon. Go to as many meetings as you can during the week and connect with people over the phone. Yes, use the phone all of the time. You need the support of your support group now more than ever.
Focus on yourself and your needs. Take extra good care of yourself, taking time out for yourself.
It’s time to rise up, GET OFF the fence of indecision and get empowered through making choices to protect you and your children.
A three of four day vacation from the chaos may help you come up with a workable plan.
Write in a journal as often as possible.
Oh, a judge can get his drunken squatting A** out of the house…I guarantee that… Once the papers for divorce are filed, you file to get him out of the house and also for him to help you pay the bills associated with the house.
Janeal – I think you need a new attorney. You don’t have a home, you have a living nightmare. Your lawyer sounds like a self perpetuating dirtbag. Talk to someone else and get out of there.
I understand how you feel.. I to have been in a relationship 20 years. We are not married but own a home together. I to was told if I leave first it’s abandonment and he can take it to court. He prob wouldn’t but his parents would as they blame me for his drinking.. also DWI.. court order not to drink on probation.. blow machine in truck.. the whole thing.. if you can keep sane hold on to what’s yours.. divorce may be the option here.. or jail.. but you and your children need to feel safe. That’s first.. get support and hold on.. after 20 years I know it doesn’t change..I want out so bad.. they never change EVER .. hugs to you
Get away from this diseased disturbed creep.
He will always make you seem to be the bad person.
I m sure he blames u for everything bad he has to do. U made him
Be an ass. U did not .
He is a,sick miserable being. Get away before u are too paralized
From his vicious attacks to move. He will beat the confidence
Out of u. Go and dont look bad. God will help.you.
Excellent support from everyone – I do agree that you need another lawyer. I changed lawyers in the middle of my divorce and it was amazing how lazy the other one had been in dealing with my case.
You are a saint. I understand what you have been through and the stories you still have to tell. It only gets worse, as you know. Please stay close to your support system. I found a marvelous therapist who helped my get back to me during my divorce. I was so focused on the kids, work and the crazy husband that I was a zombie!
Please be careful in the house while your husband is still staying – arguments can go in a bad direction quickly.
Take good care – eat well and get enough sleep. Please let us know how you are doing. I will be sending up prayers for you.
WOW!! you’re crisis is similar to mine..i too have asked my husband to leave by writing a sincere letter of concern I’m new to al anon so i’m going through a lot of emotions about alcoholism and al anon is teaching me to keep the focus on me. I feel that i’m now accepting the family desease and just moving on and allowing the continuing drinking and dysfunction to carry on. My children are severely affected by the alcoholism. my son has an opposite effect where he will not go anywhere near alcohol, he’s become a perfectionist swell. my daughter blames everything on me that i need help and not her dad, she also likes to have her drink now and then, she’s moved out as she cannot stand the living standards at home as we all have no communication with each other. My children are young adults and i have a teenager who seems to ignore everything but says he’s moving out as soon as he’s graduated.
my husband also sends me texts all day, especially when he’s been drinking and he’s become a closet drinker. I think he’s waiting for my oldest son to move out, so he can live more comfortably with me and my teenager, thinking i will continue enabling him and accepting his drinking. He manipulates me well and i’ve always been his counsellor but not anymore since joining al anon.
I also need help and a direction. 🙁
Sometimes when we are a certain type of person, we find ourselves in relationships where we play the counselor and the safe person. But this makes for an unbalanced relationship, and one party takes care of the other, letting the other off the hook for giving us what we need. Imagine a relationship where the two parties are there for the sole reason that they like each others company and there is no place they would each rather be, than with the other. Each person is happy to carry their own share of the responsibilities. They say you can’t be your mates counselor, and the reason is this unbalance, but also because it breeds resentment and “living too much in one-an-others pockets”. I understand that you get that, but I thought some details as to why would help, being a person who was also my mates counselor for many years. I grew intolerant and finally hit a wall and couldn’t continue. My ex used guilt trips to control me.
Also consider this, a precedent was set, that allowed his behavior, this can take a lot of time and effort to change and you will likely meet up with a lot of resistance, but until it did you appear in the wrong to certain people etc…. the point is you may not be able to convince others to do what you want, and the best choice may be for you and the teenager to leave, and start divorce proceedings to try to get the house if that is what you want, I obviously don’t know the details(who works, whose name the house is in etc…) but don’t forget to keep your eye on the most important thing, trying to achieve the quality of life you deserve, house or no house. Life is short, looking back, the things I regret are mostly about not getting out earlier and the amount of my life that I wasted on a person who took me for granted, if I could do it again, the thing i would change with the knowledge I have now, is I would have gotten out much earlier. For your kids who have been effected in different ways, the best way to help them is to lead by example. Show them the healthy alternative, you don’t need to try to convince them, they will see the solid sound life style and they will be drawn towards the safety of it. Making a place like that available to your kids is the greatest gift you could give now. Set the rules of your land and don’t waver on them. If it’s no booze make sure to enforce that. And in my experience if you let your ex in that new place he won’t leave. Don’t underestimate the power he has over you. Alcoholic manipulators are always working on an angle, equal to getting their next drink.
Think about why he texts you all day, put it into perspective, is it a control thing? Is he keeping an eye on you? How does it benefit him to do that? That is important to figure out, it will indicate to you the complexity of how the break up will go. Good luck sister, power to you.
Hi Paula G
My AH and I have no communication at all, he will only text me when he has had a drink to be more confident to approach me cause i told him i have zero tolerance for his drinking, he also tries to make me feel guilty and sorry for him. He will text if he needs me to do something as small as making a sandwich or picking up pizza on my way home, if i respond he will get an idea that I’m ok with him if i don’t respond he’ll text me again trying to make small talk.
Theres tremendous damage in our family. My son dropped out of high school because of the alcoholism and resents his dad and will not talk to him, It’s been almost 4 years, he goes in and out of depression. My daughter left home last year but came back and couldn’t bear the home atmosphere so she left again, but she blames me for everything. She has nothing going for her in her life, all her friends have graduated from college and my daughter and son are both going through real rough times.
Honestly, I gave up on my adult children thinking they’re both adults and they can make their own life choices and move on from this dysfunction, but you really opened my eyes and heart when you mentioned I should lead by example and show them a more healthy way of life and giving them a safe place for them to come to. My children were my happiness through all this dysfunction, but i never realized how badly they were effected by all this and with my distorted thinking i gave up on them years ago…and obsessed too much and catered towards my AH every single day.
My in laws bought the house for us which is under both of our names and when i told him to leave he used the guilt card on me that his parents were the one who bought the house and he shouldn’t leave whether i like it or not. I have 2 jobs, and my income is in a separate account but i take care of 75% of the bills.
I want to sell the house and live in separate homes, not get any lawyers involved, just both be mature about it all, we can have 2 properties and he can live in one, me the other. I know this is not likely at all, so i’ll have no choice but to get legal help. We come from a cultural background who condemn separation, or divorce so taking this step is going to take lots of strength and encouragement.
The alcoholic always win.
We suffer, we pay, we stress, we do all the dancin for the poor sick alcoholic.
Pathetic how evil always wins out..
Cut your losses and run.
No other way out. Just more pain in future.
They have a great scam.
Excuse to be an ass, really?
I agree, Filomena. Sometimes it seems like this site almost absolves alcoholics of all responsibility. While I agree that being in a relationship with an alcoholic is almost a kind of a test of your own character, it’s by no means true to say that it’s ALL up to you, like the picture at the top of this page which says “alcoholics will ruin your beautiful life… if you let them!” – While there’s definitely truth in it, and many people who are or have been in relationships with alcoholics really do need to heal themselves and figure out exactly how they have participated in the whole mess, but it still feels strange to pin all responsibility on the non-alcoholic. Ultimately personal responsibility does lay with them, which is actually why I agree with your advice to just disconnect entirely and leave the alcoholic to wallow in their self-created hell. Attempting to stay in their hell as some sort of a test of your own character is not really good advice. They say alcoholism is the only disease that makes everyone hate you before it kills you. Well, I personally really don’t blame people for hating alcoholics. They do not deserve to be “rescued,” if the price is the soul of everyone around them.
As an adult child of alcoholics, it ruined the way I chose partners. I was the oldest daughter, so I was the responsible one who cared for the younger siblings while my mother and her husband or boyfriends were slammed. My mother brought home all kinds of drunks, and my stepfather was a child molester when he was under the influence and while in blackouts. I never became addicted to drugs or alcohol because I didn’t want to turn out like my mother. Fortunately, I’m very sensitive to alcohol and get sick quite easily. The rest of my siblings, grew up to be alcoholics or drug addicts, except for one who is the son of my stepmother. And even though he has never drank alcohol or taken drugs, his home life with his wife and children is quite dysfunctional. Between the two families, there were seven of us.
Getting to the point, you noted that your daughters are responsible young women. That is wonderful. However, while being exposed to all of the anxiety, frustration, and disruption in your household may make their adult lives difficult. They need to see that you are their protector and that you are the person who makes good decisions for the family. Your husband has already enabled your son and encouraged him to live a life of addiction. I remember when my mother used to force me to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes when I was just ten. As a result, I started smoking at ten years old. I’m still trying to quit at 64 years old.
I believe that many alcoholics suffer from narcissistic personality disorders (NPD). People with NPD don’t have the ability to feel empathy for others. Add alcohol to the disorder and things really do get crazy. The only thing alcoholics really care about is their next drink. No matter what you do, your husband will only quit drinking when life gets too hard for him. With narcissism in mind, you noted that your daughters are more adult than your husband. People with NPD are not emotionally developed and function more like a six-year-old than their actual age. They are also very charming for the most part. The charm helps them to manipulate people. They are great actors and can mimic what is considered normal very well. But they also have problems holding on to employment.
I’m not saying all alcoholics suffer from NPD, but I am saying that I believe that many do, and the problem is worse when under the influence of alcohol. This leaves the responsible partner at wits end 24/7 every day of the week, and as years go by, it wears the responsible one down to a place where they cannot take action.
You did the right thing by searching your son’s room and confiscating the drugs and paraphernalia. That may be his room, but that room is a part of your house. As a parent, you not only have the right to do what you did, but it is also your responsibility. It doesn’t matter that he and your husband consider you as “the bad guy.” You did what a parent is supposed to do. Since your son is already going down the same road as your husband, you would be the bad guy no matter what you do or don’t do. At least your daughters see that you will not stand for illegal actions in your home.
I think that you need to keep a journal and take photos whenever possible. You need proof that your husband is contributing to minors in your home. Otherwise, when you do kick him to the curb, he may be able to collect alimony because he is unemployed. If it were me, I would get a court order to get him out of my house. If you choose this route, the police will help you do that if you have the order and he refuses to leave. I would also rent a storage space and pay for three months, and once the husband is out, I would pay somebody to pack up his belongings and haul the belongings to the storage space. There are many laborers looking for small jobs here and there and they don’t charge much per hour. I would ask them not to take time to pack neatly, just shove the belongings into boxes and get the boxes out of my house. Then I would have my attorney send him the key to the storage space so that he has no reason to return to the house.
If you choose to take a similar route, stay strong and never allow him into your home again. One toe in, and he’s there to stay. Call the police if he ignores the order. He and your son may think of you as “the bad guy,” but they would think that anyway because you are the responsible one.
The problem is not who gets absolved and who the responsibility falls on, as much as it is about recognizing a dangerous situation, minimizing the damage and surviving. Right? At least we have the ability to say “holly crap! I’m in serious trouble, what can i do?” and we are lucky to find others who have survived and know how the path is a bumpy ride. The few hours a day that the AH is sober they are usually in pain from the self abuse and the only way they can think of to fix it is to do it again. the good news is, the people here sharing do have the character to reach out, I worry about the ones who are stuck trying to do it all alone. I think it sums up to…the AH wants to stop or doesn’t, and this factor helps us decide if we even bother staying or if we out right run for the hills. Like Diana says once the alcohol takes hold of someone, they are like a narcissist i have even heard them compared to sociopaths, they are “getting their drug machines” numb to empathy or compassion. But I have seen an alcoholic become sober and regain feeling, it’s almost like a zombie movie, except they are still the person just like drones for the devil. They could use help but we as humans just haven’t figured out how that’s done, all we know is the change has to start inside them when they recognize they are powerless to the addiction. The worst part is how many never recognize it or just can’t stop and die alcoholic deaths. I like the thing you said about how the non-alcoholic needs to heal themselves. So true. I think this blog is a good place to start, and figure out how.
Wow, had to look and see if I had written this post and forgotten, so much like my life. Janeal, has anything changed? Looks like this was written at beginning of year. I’d like to know if you found anything to be helpful.
I was told i wouldn’t be able to go to ANON unless my husband agreed to go too, i thought that was wrong???
I don’t know I how I found this blog but I’m glad I did. My husband is a functional alcoholic, meaning he gets up and goes to work every day but as soon as he hits the door he’s going straight for the booze, and every weekend when he knows he does not have work he goes completely overboard to the point where he is sloppy, sloppy drunk, stumbling everywhere, confrontational and even attempts to drive off!! He is very mean and moody.. he blames me for everything. He calls me names. He has caused me so much anxiety, stress and unnecessary commotion in my household I feel like I have lost myself. I barely do things with my 11 yr old son anymore. He NEVER does anything with our son. NO sports, not activities no nothing. All he does is sit in the house with his other drunk friends and drink all day long. I run away every chance I get to a friends house. I have asked him repeatedly to move out because his behaviors are causing my son and I emotional distress. HE WON’T LEAVE! I have been dealing with this for the last 8 years. We have been married for 11 years. I feel stupid for hanging around this long. I believe I have reached my breaking point and am ready to file for divorce, my papers are complete and I plan on filing them within the next few days. I also learned that I can request a “dwelling exclusion order” to have him LEGALLY removed from the marital home during the divorce proceedings. I desperately need this done ASAP or I am going to go insane. Hopefully someone knows a bit about this exclusion order because I’d like to request that in my declaration. This is such a painful decision because I love my husband but due to all the verbal and emotional abuse I am not in love anymore. I want him to get help and get better but I also want to get on with my life. Thank you for listening.
I’m in the same kind of situation, kids grown up and left home thank God. We own our house and I’m the only one working, AH lost his job due to his drinking 3 years ago. I saw a solicitor who told me I can’t kick him out as he owns half the house. I couldn’t afford to sell up as I wouldn’t have enough to get another place with my half the money. He recently got sober for a week or so after a period of drinking 2 litres of vodka a day, during which time he was wetting the bed, the floor etc and not cleaning up himself or the room. This resulted in the house stinking to the point where I couldn’t even ask a friend in for coffee because of it. I want him gone but how? Where? Please help with any advice you have!
Wow girls! I couldn’t cope anymore. Personally showed up to individual attorneys offices and bartered .. finally got the best of the best and in exchange worked the front desk and provided extra services such as pick ups and delivers to/from courthouse, court filings, etc. in exchange for his fees. First thing he did was have my husband removed temporarily until the first court date to let the judge decide. Of course my alcoholic husband would get his fair share no matter what but at least I got my peace of mind. Long story short, he never got to return home however we have since split everything 50/50 along with shared custody with his being supervised visits while he attends required programs. I don’t mean to make it sound easy but it really is unless you are one of those spouses that feel lost without his depending on you. Luckily I was not. Life is too short. Think of it like a diet. No one or nothing can’t help you unless you are ready. That’s all from my end. Good luck
Helping someone with this issue is hard. And even more if you love him. I know that very well. We struggled with it for many years until I saw a recommendation for this guide by Ellen Petersen. I got it here – https://www.net-boss.org/shop/how-to-help-an-alcoholic-you-love
Excellent approach, which turned out to be a godsend so I can easily say that it’s the best help so far and believe me I have read a lot of books in my life about alcoholism. Hope it will help others too
The posts here were not requesting advice on how to help an alcoholic partner. They were requesting advice on how to LEAVE a harmful and damaging living situation with an alcoholic. People have the choice to leave any abusive or toxic relationship, and should be encouraged and supported in doing that. We should not be encouraging people to stay in these types of
situations, but be empowering them to have the strength to leave!
I have similar situation but i have grown up children.MY husband drinks many years ,i never could stop him to drink,now he is retired,and we are living under the same roof,i got used to be by myself in house,use to work from the house,having a little daycare,but now because of covid 19,many things have changed… he is being very rood to me ,doesn’t respect me and puts me down just when he has a little chance,i really wan’t him to leave, but don’t know how to do that?I would call police,but he didn’t rice his hand on me yet.. this is the situation really don’t know what to do!
My husband is a mess we have been married for 25 yrs bought a home 10 yrs ago I am disabled he said he wants to refinance our home paper work going through I can’t stand the name calling and worrying about him driving drunk should have left yrs ago he was sober for 9 yrs that’s when we purchased the new home, he says don’t get a lawyer you will end up with nothing I supported this marriage with 2 jobs making more then him then I got Autoammune and have had 6 operations I am scared and worried everyday his brother has a tumor on his Pancreas I have been catering to him to help, but my husband gets drunk and now is using his brother as an excuse I am 64 I have a 14 yr old cat and 11 yr old I won’t leave them with him he forgets to feed them water etc sounds crazy but they are my comfort, I am tired and cry all the time the life of an alcoholic spouse is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, I pray dear God help him or give me the answers
File for divorce and ask for temporary exclusive use of the home. That is step one. If there are threats or violence you can escalate to a protective order and he will have to stay away from you and your home. I have been through the same thing and it is not fun but it is the only way when they will not leave. They will never leave on their own. They have to be forced out.
I realize this is an old post, and I truly hope you have found some peace. For the people like myself, that did a search, needs answers, and found this thread, I’m going to add a few things from my personal experience.
I am currently in the process of divorce from my husband if 15 years. We have two kids, ages 13 and 11. I had told him for years that he needed to move out. He is an alcoholic, a binger, and would go on for days. He would park himself in the house and not go anywhere. He thought that since it’s his house, he didn’t need to go. So the kids and I had to leave sometimes for safety reasons. No amount of talk made him leave. If he left, he’d eventually find his way back but never got fully sober. Changing the locks did no good because all he has to do was call the police, when I was gone, tell them he was locked out, call a locksmith, and get him back in because it was still legally his home. This is what prompted me, and other things, to file divorce. I contemplated a legal separation but ultimately decided because of the history, there was little chance of change. I filed divorce and at the same time a temporary motion for sole residency of the house and custody of the kids. A protection order was not feasible because they needed actual physical abuse, not just addiction issues. Also it would prevent him from communicating with me, and I didn’t see that as a necessity. So a court order was the ONLY way I could get him out for good. In your case, I’d consider a legal separation that way he doesn’t continue to affect you and you can get him out legally. See what he does from there. If he takes your separation seriously, maybe it’ll give him the motivation to change. If not, it might be time to divorce. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. No one really understands the pain of addiction unless they’ve experienced it. And letting go is often even more painful. It will be hard but for the sake of yourself and the kids, you need some peace. I keep hearing from those through it, that it gets better as you choose to heal yourself. You can’t heal when you’re stuck in the thick of it. Hope things are doing better.
Mary, one goes to Al-Anon for help for oneself. There is no requirement for your
husband or for anyone else to do anything – it is up to you, not to anyone else.
It is a common misconception that one goes to Al-Anon for advice on or help with getting
someone, say, a husband, sober.
Oddly enough as we grow healthier spiritually and emotionally, and grow to understand
that we did not cause, can not cure, and can not control, sometimes the alcoholic does
become sober, possibly even partly as a result of changes in us. But this does not reliably
happen and can not in any case be our goal, although it is naturally often our hope.