So my story is just like all of yours and others that you have read on here, living with an alcoholic. So I am going to spare you the anxiety ridden stories and heartbreaks of the all too familiar, living with all of the anxiety, panic, anger and commotion that the alcoholic causes daily, while you are trying your best to keep peace and a normalcy for your children in your home, as well as doing your best to follow the great things that you learn from this site.
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Believe me, I have plenty that I could share. I have been following for a long time now and love reading the articles and the mere fact that any of us can relate to each other’s story on many different levels and some completely parallel. I also love the comradery that abounds and helps everyone here, including me that reads them all from the shadows. With that being said, it’s time I come to the forefront and ask for some help.
I am at a point in my life where my husband has just crossed the line too many times (legal near misses). I have asked him to move out, but he refuses!
My lawyer has advised me that under no circumstances to leave, or that is considered abandoning the home and could cause me to lose my equity part in our home, and other undesirable consequences. Additionally, the children need to stay where they are because the trauma is enough already in homes with addicted individuals. I do not need to add moving to a different home to this traumatic situation as well.
But I now feel that the longer I stay, I know that the dysfunction is damaging our children and me.
Since I had an intervention for my husband 3 years ago, my husband now drinks in secrecy. I never see him drink, but I know, or at least have a really good idea that he does.
Ever since I tried to kick him out the first time for running around with our son and his friends and using family money to “play” with them (mostly while he was out of a job for 2 years, financially ruining us), I told him then, NO MORE alcohol, period, in our home.
So I’ve tried to kick him out several times since then. He just won’t leave!
So fast forward, I found out in December 2015 that he had been still drinking, buying alcohol and hanging out with the teenage boys including our son. Which he had been forbade from contacting or seeing as well (he said that he didn’t tell me that he was still hanging out with this particular 17 yr. old kid, and he wasn’t lying to me, but because he knew how I felt about him and the situation and didn’t want to hurt my feelings)
Interesting Facts: Repercussions Of Giving Alcohol To A Minor
So the Police showed up at our door and said that there had been a report that he was buying alcohol for an undisclosed number of underage boys. All of their parents had been told, but until one of them came forward with a statement and proof, all they could do was watch him. So, he only got a warning. That is serious! And completely unacceptable to me.
So once again, I told him to move out! He continues to refuse to leave!
So now this last weekend, long story short, something told me to go and look in our Son’s room, and lo and behold, I found enough stuff to start a small business! Vape materials, bongs, with peculiar residue in them (that was not marijuana) and lots of alcohol! So I searched the whole room and boxed it all up and confiscated it.
Now, my son of course, and my husband are both mad at me because I “violated” our son’s room and now “I am not going to have a relationship with him for the rest of my life!” (I think that is ridiculous, making me the bad guy in the situation when I only did what any self-respecting adult should/would have done!) But of course my husband said that I have most likely drove our son back into these things because our son was trying to stop abusing them, and what I did will push him right back into it. I know that is a load of crap. I do not understand why or how my husband has that kind of enabling attitude, or thought process. It was not a surprise to my son I am sure, as I have always been very vocal about what is allowed and what is not in our home, because of the different types of characters being brought into our home.
At one point, I arranged for a place for my daughters to go when I was at work or gone, because I didn’t trust them to be there with what my husband was allowing to come in and out of our home when I wasn’t around.
I have given him 2 major chances to straighten up.
Now this situation with my son has just pushed me to my limit. Him telling me that by me taking his illegal things out of his room, let alone searching it, was out of line on my part without talking to him first (This is why I didn’t talk to him. I knew that he would be against it and most likely try to stop me). I wouldn’t doubt for a minute that some of it was his and that he funded and or bought all of it, as my son is not old enough. He went on saying that he was “counseling him”, they have “open communication” and our son was trying to do better. He said I was just ripping the family apart with being so nosey and controlling and that I need to keep my nose out of everyone else’s business.
You all know the drill…
Anyway, I am wondering what steps or where to start just to prepare to “get away”. I am so done with the lies and secrecy, let alone disrespect in my own home. As well as the fact that I don’t want my daughters thinking that this kind of dysfunction is normal or okay.
I do go to al anon, which helps keep me sane to a point, but I feel like I have done, and am past the whole ignore and live with them suggestions.
We have been married for 23 years. It is hard because of the good memories, but the thought of literally packing up that much “stuff” to move on is just so daunting to me especially that I am already beaten down and exhausted, mentally and physically, tired of living with alcoholism in my life.
Any advice, on where to start the process of what to do in order to make the break?
I know in my heart that it needs to happen. There are too many things that he has done, betrayal, lied and promised he would change…
He will not go to AA or counseling. This tells me that nothing is going to change. He thinks telling me that things are going to change and then sending me cutesy texts asking me how I am, how is my day etc., multiple times every day, all day, even more so when he knows that he is in trouble with me is somehow supposed make me think he is attempting to change. That actually happened last weekend.
So I don’t know whether to just file for divorce and let the cards fall where they may, or file a protective order given the suspicion that he is giving alcohol to children in our home ie our son, so that he will be forced to leave.
Article: How To Handle Divorcing An Alcoholic
I mostly just don’t know where to start or “the process” to do it. I don’t know why doing the protective order thing makes me feel mean and like a bad guy to do it that way. He won’t just leave.
I know that obviously he doesn’t care how or if he hurts me. I’m not like him though.
My 17 and 13 yr. old daughters act more like an adults than he does. (They are both very responsible and great children, especially for the environment they have been brought up in, but they both have more common sense and act more like an “adult” when it comes to situations than he does). He conducts himself like he is 14 years old most of the time.
I just don’t know what to do? I am mostly emotionally drained and depressed. Please any suggestions or help to point me in the right direction will be greatly appreciated.