Alcoholics Say Mean Things That Are Not True

You know not everything that the alcoholic says about you is true. When I was with the alcoholic, sometimes they would say mean things to me. They might say something like, you’re a horrible father, you’re an awful dad, and you’re a stupid business man. And inevitably, I would always want to defend my character. Then, the alcoholic would just throw more gas on the fire and we would get into the heated argument over some of the stupidest things. When I learned to look at myself and realize that I am a good father, I am good business man, I am a wonderful husband, and know the truth of those things, then when the alcoholic would say horrible, degrading things to me, I could let those things bounce off of me because I really knew what the truth of the matter was.Here’s your tip, whenever the alcoholic throws something in your face that you know is a lie, rather than reacting and defending your character, you can just look at them and use the three S’s, step back, shut up and smile. Then say something along the lines of, “Well, that’s your opinion,” or you can say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Another thing that you can say to them is, “That’s not true.” And after you say these short statements, then you want to zip your lips and not say anything else.

This will help defuse the possibility of getting into an argument with an alcoholic. Let those lies that the alcoholic throws at you, let them just bounce off of you and not have an effect rather than letting them go on the inside of you and believing the lies that they say about you. And then, because you believe them, they cause you to just wilt and wither emotionally and you’ll feel horrible about yourself. Don’t let the alcoholic hurt you that way. Put up that shield and let those things bounce off of you and know the truth of who you are.

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28 comments to Alcoholics Say Mean Things That Are Not True

  • Debbi

    Oh my gosh–this video clip came at just the right time for me. The last few days those “movies” are again playing around in my head of all the times he said awful hurtful things to me. I am over 7 months of separating/divorcing from ex & I still take these mean things to heart & keep trying to analyze was he right?. . .am I XXX? I know I needed a “tougher skin” but still those awful hurtful things he flung at me bothered me. But just the title of this article made me realize this was a behavior of his drinking–they all say mean things that are not true. I need to learn to replace “those movies” in my mind with so much better ones–should I replace them with good memories of our marriage or something entirely different?

  • karen

    Good morning readers,

    Yes, it is true that the A person says mean and degrading words to us. I was baffled by this behaviour in the beginning of the relationship, especially when the night before he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry. Said that he felt peaceful and calm when he was with me. Then the next day, Mr. Jeckle would appear and had nothing good to say to me or about me.
    I quickly learned to ignore him and change the subject.
    Eventually this just became too much work for me and I needed to focus on other important things in my life.
    JC words and short statements do work as I have tried them and surprisingly, the A person would moan and groan and then shutup.

    Don’t allow yourselves to be in this situation. It does hurt and we do not deserve to be spoken to in that way. We are always there when they need us….but we cannot count on them to be there for us when we need them…..or do we need them at all !!!!

    Take care and have a great day


  • Amy

    Mine says terrible mean things. I have tried the sorry you feel that way,or just agreeing..and it does work..but the thing he does after a bad episode like the the other night when the cops where called and he drank after being a week sober is when he finally does wake up from being hungover he wakes up angry and mean and he tell me he is sick of me, he hates me and then completely ignores me for days sometimes weeks at a time and he sleeps in another room…I am beginning to wonder if this is not another form of blaming me and trying to make me feel guilty,,,the one week he was sober was wonderful now we are back to this…does anyone else get ignored like this?

  • mace

    My A said we were going to church again. We went on Easter, and he claims he went one week without me.

    He said “I will never go to your church” and that hurt deeply enough for me to finally wake-up and go through with detaching. Don’t know why that phrase did it; probably because of the way he said it. And going to church together is something that he knows I really enjoy.

    No future and probably no hope for him..I’m sooo done!

  • This is happening to me as we speak. It’s not a good feelingi find myself thinking it’s my fault all the time i cry a lot lately i broke up with him for 3 weeks and he had seen me out and was begging for another i did and now the verbal Abuse IS coming back again..and his drinking is really bad he trys to dry if i can’t handle it then to leave…well as of today he started drinking at 9 this morning and have not heard from over the heart break and lies..

  • taylor

    I’m seeing a girl with this problem who admits she is an alcoholic.

    One on one the nasty doesn’t usually come out but when other people are involved even just one person she gets very oppositional, defiant and will argue to the death over sometimes the stupidest things.

    One recent example I grabbed a beer out of the freezer and there was only one left, I told her it was the last one. She misconstrued it that I meant I took the last one and got all crazy accusing me of lying and almost left.

    Last night she refused to leave with me from a concert I took her to with some friends. She went to get beer but the beer gardens were closed. She vanished for the rest of the concert and when I called her cell asking where she was she accused me of checking up on her and hanging up. Later when I finally got her after it was over she didn’t remember me calling and flipped out and told me to get lost when I was trying to get her home.

    I drink lots and often but I never snap out like this. She accuses me of being drunk and belligerent but she is the one being belligerent and I’m clear headed.

  • June

    Alcoholics saying mean things. How do you forget, get past the
    mean things they say that are below the belt. Meaning the short
    comings in you or your faults. Theses replay in my mind.

  • Rebecca

    Dear friends, I hear and feel your pain in every comment
    posted on this topic. I seem to manage to always have an alcoholic in my life: either I’m dating one, or related to one, or working for one. They all have the mean streak in common, and it only gets worse. Even getting sober doesn’t cure it, they have to have treatment. One reason for the hostility, screaming anger, and nastiness is physical. Advanced alcoholics need to drink to bring their body chemicals back to normal. They don’t even drink to get happy, they are now drinking just to feel stabilized. The other reason for the nastiness is called projective identification. Alcoholics are in very bad shape, psychologically. Their egos are inflated and fragile. They can’t handle criticism. They can’t look at themselves realistically and take responsibility for their behavior, so they project it onto you. Look carefully at all the atrocious things the alcoholic accuses you of. You will see that they are the faults of the alcoholic. The alcoholic doesn’t hate you, the alcoholic hates himself (or herself). Everything the alcoholic projects onto you is a trait the alcoholic despises in themselves. This doesn’t excuse their behavior or make it easier to deal with. I love JCs advise. It will help you detach. It might not heal the hurt the alcoholic is causing you, but it might help you feel like you have your own power, which is very important. Read everything you can find about alcoholism. Go to Al-Anon. And get out while you can!

  • SC

    Rebecca, very well written. I will copy this and read when I feeling hurt from all the things said over the years. I already know what your saying is true. I started self help in the 80,s. Read Adult Children Of Alcholics, Codependent No More and listen to John Bradshaw on PBS. Still married a very high functioning alcoholic. Tried to reason with him and pass on any knowledge I had gained over the years, which only made him mad….unless he needed advice about his daughter or something at work. I guess then I knew what I was talking about. My father was a dry drunk and acted no different than the wet one. I still and will always struggle with the meanness from them.
    Thanks so much…I need to be reminded by someone it’s not about you.

  • sybille

    Rebecca you are so right. I never thought about it this way that what he gets mad at me about is what he is upset with himself. Good explanation and true.

  • Lois

    I appreciate having this format for tips. Thanks. My current challenge in my alcoholic relationship is his lack of respect for others personal space. He sits on people, talks about sexual matters and talks awful about people in the community. He no longer bothers me with personal attacks, it’s just as uncomfortable as a “witness”. It’s embarrassing, awkward and I cannot remove myself from events I host,(that he is not suppose to be at). He cross’s all the lines. I use to have a conversation about it when he was sober. That is a waste of time. I don’t have any words to say now. “We” tried counseling, a joke, he is not ready to make a change choice. I stay away from him and remain hopeful that the “bottom” will come and bring a new choice for him/us. What else can I do?

  • Emily

    My fiancé is a severe alcoholic. We’ve been together for 4yrs and have 4kids. I’m trying everything possible to make it work. I try walking away from fights, I do the whole I’m sorry you feel this way and so on. But honestly the things that he says when he’s drunk are getting outta hand. He says bad things about our kids, my family, he blames me for us going months without being intimate together. This morning he woke up still hung over and at 6am was telling me how much of a bitch I am and the reason we aren’t intimate is because he can’t stand and who would want to sleep with me. I’m very attractive mind you. I eat healthy and workout and so on. He is causing me to seek help for depression. I’m just at a lose as to what to do Bc when he’s not drunk it’s I’m sorry I didn’t mean it I’ll get help I love you and so on. I don’t wanna give up on him Bc I do love him but not sure how much longer I can stay in this situation.

  • Ladies please, you can leave these guys and the law is behind you. When a sober man tries to divorce an alcoholic/drug addict wife things are not so easy. Women more often than men get custody of the children and the house. Husband’s must pay support until the courts can find differently. The estranged (sober) husband must move out and pay for the party! Also, when a woman files a restraining order on her husband, if he violates it, he goes to jail. However, when a man files the same order on his wife and she violates it, the police often explain it nicely and let her leave the premises. My point here is that the law is favorable towards women in these areas. If you want your addict gone, file a restraining order and divorce. Game over!

  • Jenny

    My A has told me for years that I am fat and nasty and nobody else will ever love me. It hurts. I don’t respond to him except with tears. I know I shouldn’t cry but it hurts so badly. When the person you love says these things to you, even when they are drunk, it stings. It’s so hard to move past it even though I know it is the sickness talking.

  • Todd

    I’m so glad to have the opportunity to weigh in on this subject from a totally different perspective.While most of you probably won’t agree with or understand what I’m saying,it’s DEFINITELY TRUE!Women for the most part have ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT for a man who doesn’t engage in what they perceive as “MANLY” behaviors!If a man doesn’t drink and smoke and go to bars and strip clubs and if he can’t control his woman with intimidating words and yes even physical abuse then he’s NOT a “REAL” man!And I know this to be true from personal experience.That’s what has KILLED EVERY relationship I’ve ever been in and the reason I’m still single.The old saying that “NICE” guys finish LAST is oh so TRUE!The very second a woman realizes that the guy they’re getting to know is nice and decent and respectful and caring and sensitive they DROP him like a hot potato!!!So,I’m thinking that if the men who are with the ladies who commented above cleaned up their act and became nice guys out the door they(the women)would go!!!!!!!!!!

  • learning

    WOW – It is amazing how a topic can change and go from one extreme to another extreme……

    I found myself reading this post as I had a need – I thought I would look at this site to get perspective on how to deal, cope, support myself as I find a way to be with my “alcoholic partner” – and I want to thank the folks who commented shared the comment to practise the 3S – Step back, Shut up and Smile…. I feel like I know this and have practised it for years with friends and family alike… I step away and simply moved out of their spaces…. BUT I always thought I had the strength to do this because I had a great partner who was my ROCK and always there to hold me up…..

    TO TODD – the guys who commented that women WANT abusive partners – LET me set your straight!!!!!YOU ARE WRONG!!!! WRONG!!!! WRONG!!!!!! NO one wants an abusive partner not a man not a woman…. I was with an incredible man for 22 years, kind, generous, supportive always putting me, our children and our family’s needs first… next he put his work’s need infront of his own…. and I will love him forever, he lives in my heart, I see him in my dreams and feel him in my soul….. there is truth in the saying “the good die young”… YES … HE PASSED AWAY – I was left alone…. I am telling you this because you seem to be confused in your SHALLOWMINDED Comment that all women are alike…. There are many good men out there and there are many good women alike – SO – PLEASE do not SAY these women WANT abusive partners”….

    When I met my current partner he was the kindest sweetest nicest person, he assured me his drinking was only social that he did not smoke and slowly I let him in my heart…. but so much of what he said and showed me was a lie…..BUT I grew to love him and wWhen you care for someone you don’t just give up on them at the first sign of “failure”….. IF he was diagnosed with cancer I would see him through the treatment and the therapy and “ALCOHALISM” is a disease…. it is because I have compassion for him and this “DISEASE called ALCOHALISM” I am trying to LEARN how to be a friend, partner and not give up on him….. THIS MAN is NOT the type of MAN I would typically fall for BUT he pretended to be something he was not, someone he had to be for me to fall for him, but can I FAULT HIM FOR that???? HE NEEDED ME and he “Pretended to be something he was not so that I would give him a chance”…. when I look at him I see a sad, unhappy, boy, who did not have the same guidance, education and support I had as a child… I know that I cant change him and I know I cant heal him … I know that “ONLY HE CAN DO THAT, ONLY he can heal himself”…..AND I hope he does before he hurts himself or someone else….. ALL I can Change IS ME ……. I can CHANGE how I react to the hurtful things he says to me, to the lies and the stories he makes up and to the BULLSHIT “for want of a better tern” that he spews when he is DRUNK…..

    I have been fortunate to have been swept off my feet by the most MAGNIFICENT man in the world I HAD MY knight and shining armour for 22 years…. SO I am actually learning how to be compassionate for MY ALCOHOLIC partner and I am trying not to ABANDON him because has been ABANDONED all his life…..

    TODD – REST assured I do not stay because I LIKE TO BE CALLED NAMES< OR LIKE BEING LIED TO.. and I DO NOT stay because I like listening to BULLSHIT coming out of an ALCOHOLIC's mouth as he "SLURREs and spits" barely able to form his words. ……. I stay because of my compassion…… HOW LONG I will be able to handle this RUBBISH – I don't know…. BUT I will say it one more time….. "I DO NOT STAY BECAUSE I LIKE BEING ABUSED"!!!!!!!

    In closing – TODD – maybe you are not as perfect or nice as you say you are….. MAYBE you have your own flaws and issues, perhaps you are looking at yourself through "smoked mirrors" – ONLY when we see our flaws could we fix them…. SO PERHAPS you should take a good HARD look at your self _ UNDERSTAND where you fall short, forgive yourself for falling short, remember beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder….. YOUR words make you sound like an insecure, unhappy individual… BUT find a way to love yourself…. and LOVE Your self despite your flaws….. WHEN YOU are able to love yourself and embrace your flaws… when you can do that I promise you … YOUR world will open up and your will find a woman who is deserving of you ….IF you do not love yourself first then there is very little left for others see in you and love in you ….

    I believe that we are all connected in this universe and everything happens for a reason…. The ALcoholic I speak off is DRUNK again tonight – sadly he is drunk every other day – he is sad when he drinks and he has joined AA many many many times, but he – keeps going back to the bottle…. ONLY he can heal himself…. AND now that I have written this note I will go now, make sure he is ok, still breathing and I will tuck him in bed and remind him that I love him…

    AND LASTLY TODD _ when he cleans up his act, I assure you I will NOT leave him… I will embrace him and I will be there for him and I will learn to Love him even more…

    AND in writing this note tonight _ I reminded myself to be kind to this MAN even though he IS not always kind to me…

    I wish you all a peaceful night and may you all experience an abundance of love, laughter and JOY..


  • learning

    TO EMILY – ONLY you can determine how much longer you can stay in this situation….

    ALCOHOLISM” is a DISEASE – FORGIVE HIM – LOVE yourself and love you kids….

    YOU Cannot help him – ONLY he can help himself….

    WE all have our flaws and sometimes we can barely help ourselves, let alone help someone else…. FORGIVE him if you can MUCH of his unhappiness is not coming from you and the relationship he has with you, it is his own insecurities, his own failures, his own baggage, it is coming from the fact that he has lied and failed you over and over and he feels worthless… SO forgive him if you can…. and PRACTISE YOUR “3S”….

    SHOW him compassion the kind of compassion you would show a person with CANCER….

    Good luck and I hope you find a way to be happy whe you can as you ride the waves of your life with an ALCOHOLIC……

    I AM Learning …..

  • AP

    My girl came back from rehab 22 days ago. She is going to move in with het mom for awhile and I was to help her clean and pack as closed out.However, I refused to enable her anymore thanks to al anon, and she has been sweet and loving one minute and verbally abusive the next. I moved out after she assaulted me. We made up. We got friendly a couple of times. She woke up after such a time and went on a rant. An angry one directed at me. She put my phone in the toilet, then told me to leave and never come back. She wont answer my calls/texts when I try to check on her. I get the impression she is really not looking forward to moving back home. She told me how much she loved me the her night before she kicked me out. Now she days she doesnt care about me or anyone else because addicts dont care about anyone. Whats up? Does she really not love me anymore?

  • Beth

    This is good stuff – the 3S method. My AH of 29 years constantly tries to pick fights with me. He says things that he knows “push my buttons” and if I can keep my cool and just say “maybe you’re right” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” or something similar it is so much better than if I react defensively. But man – it hurts to have those things thrown at me all the time.

    Much of the time I wonder if he really does love me. Most of the time he acts as though he can’t stand me or anything about me. Everything I say and do is an annoyance to him. I’ve realized that a lot of times he tries to pick a fight with me so I will distance myself from him and maybe not notice how much he really is drinking.

  • Michell

    I am going through 7 years of hell!! It won’t stop

  • Lena

    I’ve been married 47 yrs with a ah husband it doesn’t get better so get out of it while you can

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  • Alice

    A persons drinks since 6 months daily from 8pm to 11pm should be called an alcoholic or he acts like he is an alcoholic and abuse me deliberately and throwing his own failures and blames on me? Even he regrets our loving six year relationship and blamed me for being controlling person?? I need help

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  • mary

    I searched and found this page. I needed to read all your comments today. I live with a person who is nasty from the drinking. I need to learn how to become hard and strong so I the negative words don’t eat me up.

  • Bonnie

    My sister is a functional alcoholic. Ironically she is an assistant teacher and deals with children with disablties. Over the Thanksgiving and Xmas holiday’s she was present, nice, and engaging. She texted me on New Year’s eve with a string of black emojis. I was hurt and texted her back with not-so-kind words because I knew she was drunk. She then went on to text my other siblings and riped them with profanities. When I read the other posts I should have not texted anything and ignored her. I know firsthand from being a nurse that alcohol affects every organ in the human body. She has alienated everyone from the family and doesn’t want to hear from us. Because the text messages were so vicious we had to block her. I want to get her help but I don’t know how to. Any suggestions?

  • Bonnie

    My sister is a functional alcoholic. Ironically she is an assistant teacher and deals with children with disablties. Over the Thanksgiving and Xmas holiday’s she was present, nice, and engaging. She texted me on New Year’s eve with a string of black emojis. I was hurt and texted her back with not-so-kind words because I knew she was drunk. She then went on to text my other siblings and riped them with profanities. When I read the other posts I should have not texted anything and ignored her. I know firsthand from being a nurse that alcohol affects every organ in the human body. She has alienated everyone from the family and doesn’t want to hear from us. Because the text messages were so vicious we had to block her. I want to get her help but I don’t know how to. Any suggestions?

  • Tom Dolan

    While there is no guarantee of success, it may be worthwhile to inform him of

    opportunity offered by AA for those who struggle with alcoholism.

    However, tolerating unacceptable behavior will not help him, and will certainly

    not help you.

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