JC: The following story was sent to me in an email. I have since provided our Solutions For Alcoholic Relationships video series to her at no cost, something we periodically do here because it’s really important to us that people who have no money get the help they desperately need. I also asked Helena if it would be okay to publish her email to our site.
Please feel free to comment below the article offering ideas, encouragement and empathy.
Submitted by: Helena
Thank You so much for your message. I really do appreciate your Help in this matter. But the reality of my situation is I have no money. I really mean zero money. My Alcoholic Husband controls every penny. I don’t even have access to his bank account or to his credit cards. I am 60 Years old with no way out of this except to try to find free programs online to help me to learn to cope. His Drinking is literally got me with one foot in the grave. I am tired of this. We had a child late in life. I was 45 years old, so we have a 15-year-old daughter who is more mature than we are about this. It is correct when you say that alcoholics use fear, anxiety, arguing, blaming and so on… That is all true.
I have the responsibility of my 15-year-old. We have no money to leave this situation. My alcoholic husband is a controlling High-Performance Alcoholic. I have been in this mess for almost 20 years; MaKayla (my daughter) has been subjected to alcoholism her whole life.
I have never drank or done drugs. I do not smoke (although he does). I am a Christian and He is Not at all. I am unable to go to church but I do use the online ministry on Youtube as my praise and worship.
Consider Reading: Christian Wife Married To Abusive Alcoholic
I Find that even when I just walk away from him, he follows me to my bedroom. I have locked the door but that does not work. I fear being in my bedroom with him because the space is to confined. So when he comes in my room I leave it right away. So then I have to sit at the table and allow him to verbally abuse me. I use to argue with him and try to reason with him but that never helped at all. Only made it worse. I am just to old now to allow him to push me into an argument.
Consider Reading: Avoiding An Alcoholic
I need to be here for my daughter. I home-school her because we really very seldom leave our house because my husband is always drunk. He is only “normal” first thing in the morning when he has his 2 cups of coffee then he is well on his way to drinking.
His friends at work just love him and have no idea who he really is. To them he is Mr. Nice Guy or the Funniest Guy on this earth. But at home it is a totally different story. Then only time MaKayla and I get any peace is when he is at work. So we look forward to that. We even have gone as far as to be awake when he is sleeping, and sleep when he is awake. She stays in her room and I stay in mine.
We live in a huge house that never gets lived in accept for the cats. They seem to love the house. This has never been a home, it’s more like a huge really nice storage unit for very nice things. So anyway, the moral of this story is I appreciate your Labor of Love and Support at Alcoholic’s Friend, but I honestly can not afford it. He controls every penny coming in and every penny going out. I am sure that I will find free help online. Blessings to you. Thank You for your kindness. I am sure that Our Father in Heaven will Bless your Work in a Wonderful Way and many people will come out of their addictive and abusive marriages or relationships Victoriously. In Jesus Holy Name I Pray. Amen.
Once again Thank You so Much. God Bless. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you and your Loved Ones.
Please feel free to comment below!
My heart goes out to you. Do you have a car? I wonder if you might be able to drive to a Women’s safe house with your daughter to get support for leaving the agonizing situation you are in. I believe they support women who are mentally abused-not just physically abused. You deserve to find joy again in life and your daughter deserves to live without a drunk father around so she can learn healthy boundaries. Sending you blessings and love.
Maybe you could get a part time job and go talk to a divorce Attorney. They usually will give a free consultation for an hour. They can tell you your rights in the State you were married in and or live in. The states are either community property or non community property states the lawyer can explain that. You can also ask for spousal support since you have always stayed home to take care of your child. If you have any documentation or case numbers from having to call the police on your drunk husband that also can be used as extra proof that he is abusive to you and your daughter to support your case. If you can get copies of his bank names and account numbers etc in case he tries to hide money or move money in hidden locations because his income is also community property in those community property states. Make copies of any Deeds, financial documents etc and take them to an Attorney. You still have a lot of good years ahead of you and 60 yrs old is the new 50! 🙂 and you deserve happiness don’t stay in that abusive situation. Leave while you can. God Bless You! 🙂
Yes I am 60 also and have the same situation AND at home taking care of my 89 year old mother with Dementia! I think I have to sell the house and just get out of here as is a nightmare being with him. He is functioning at work and he is drunk every night after work and all day EACH and EVERY weekend. I can’t even talk to him. I lock myself in my room. I have no job , he has my car as he won’t buy one for himself since his engine died. The whole thing is insane.
I know all too well the situation Helena is in as I myself am also in the very same situation except I have no children living at home. My husband has even frozen my credit so that I can apply for credit w/o his knowing. I am not able to get my credit unfrozen b/c I do not know the password he placed on my account info. with the credit bureau. How is it that he can freeze my account w/o my permission, but I can’t unfreeze w/o his?! You have no idea how angry that make me!!!
I do not have access to bank accounts in our name. He has even gotten control of my inheritance check from my mother’s estate! I just can’t win and quite frankly if I try to reverse everything he has blocked me from, nobody really cares to hear my side of the story of trying defend my rights to my money and my credit!!
Janice, call a lawyer. You have rights.
Will a lawyer help me if I have no access
to money to pay for their services?
Sounds like my life. Had two kids with the drunk in my early 40s. Both are married and gone now . I’m almost 65 with no money , no car and no family. He caused so much tension that I broke away from my family to keep the peace. Since the kids are no longer in the house he has gotten a lot more aggressive and short tempered. I came from an alcoholic father . He knows I fought with him to the point of putting a gun in his face when I was 13 , so he knows better not to hit me. I’m emotionally dead and feel hopeless so suicide has crept in my thoughts lately. But you have your daughter to fight for. Get out now ! Go to a womens shelter where you can get help.
My heart aches for everyone here! I left my alcoholic husband twice, taking with me our 4 children. Both times I had literally nowhere to go. Total strangers from churches took us in. We even lived in a church attic for several months and the kind priest let my children in his school for free. We ate at soup kitchens. Yet through it all, God always provided. Patty, please please don’t commit suicide! You are not alone!! Prayers and hugs coming your way! Please stay strong!!!
You have rights. Don’t let your alcoholic make you think you don’t.
They are controlling and master manipulators.
Apply for credit cards in your own name. You do NOT have to have a job to do so. There is a box on the credit application for “ other income “ or “ household income “ . You put down your husband’s salary there. You do not have to reveal ( source of income) that on the application. I am a stay at home Mother and I did this when my husband took my joint credit card away. I got 2 in my name only.
After you get your card set up your ONLINE ACCOUNT, choose The paperless billing options so no bills go to your home.
Start taking cash back at the grocery store or anywhere else they do cash back. It won’t amount to a lot of money, but some saved and hidden is better than nothing.
If you have a home that was purchased after marriage, it’s half yours despite whose name it is in.
Get a free consultation with a attorney. In many cases the husband is ordered to pay your costs for divorce if you never worked outside the home.
Make copies of any financial documents you can find, pay stubs , tax returns, retirement accounts, etc- .
Start making a plan for your escape.
I believe that many alcoholics are malignant narcissists . That’s why when some stop drinking the behaviors remain. There is NO CURE for it . They will never change.
Prepare yourself for a eventual life without them. I know people married 30, 40 years who are finally divorcing. If you have 20 years left on this earth it’s better to live without them and have some peace and happiness in your lives.
I recommend the book “ why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Also the website narcsite.com , so you can see exactly what you’re dealing with.
There are tons of YouTube videos also.
My husband is a narcissist psychopath and high functioning alcoholic. I am finally getting out after 34 years of upset. They only get worse as they get older.
Ps. To the woman who’s husband has her credit report held hostage. Go online and and run your own free credit report , freecreditreport.com you are entitled once a year for free. Change the email address to your own. You can then remove the freeze he has on your credit. Request everything be sent via email so nothing goes to your home.
First to Janice: in many states you do not legally have to share your inheritance. You must not let your husband put it in his account or a joint account. It must go directly into your own account an it may be legally yours. Check with your state laws.
I am stuck. My husband has ruined my credit by getting me to take out loans and cards in my name as he had bad credit. I don’t have a job as I just do his company books for him. He runs his own business by the skin of his teeth and has debts all over the place. He has now dragged me down with him. He’s not physically abusive but I can’t stand him anymore. The relentless drinking, irresponsibility, lies, inability to communicate, inability to be accountable, causing mess, chaos, wanting sex every day, he’s so needy. Expecting me to cook for him, do his washing tend to his emotional needs. I’m so tired and I have moved myself into the spare room and have detached from him. It’s a horrible atmosphere. He keeps trying to lure me back but I can’t risk the constant disappointments anymore. I feel stuck if I leave I have nowhere to go, I have no money and no job ! I’m 55 and just foresee myself in a bed sit penniless for the rest of my life . I have my own 15 year old son from a previous marriage to care for too. I had my own home and my own job before I met him and he’s just sucked me dry. It’s my own stupid fault but I hate him
A fav ploy of alcoholic is to use your car.
They leave you stranded and do not take responsibility for their own car
They are accomplishing more than one thing.
It creates an Anger field.,
Alcoholics enjoy making others angry.
Claiming victim hood.
They several tactics going on. Don’t believe for a minute it was a accidental thing.
I have known several women this has happened to.
You are robbed of getting a job.
They are dependent people. Needing a strong person around.
Who can keep up things.,