There is a right time for everything. When we are coping with someone who gets intoxicated often, we must learn when it is a good time to talk and when it is not a good time. I had to learn how to avoid having serious talks during times when the alcoholic had been drinking.
What do I mean by serious conversations?
Well, anything that you would normally heat up into an argument is not good to talk about when they are drunk. Also, things like house payments, children’s college funds, in-laws, homeowners insurance or car insurance policies. How about taxes or even business related things being something that you may want to avoid talking about when they are wasted.
When they try to initiate a conversation that I do not want to talk about I say things like: “I don’t care to discuss that right now” or “let’s discuss that another time, OK?” Sometimes, I have to make a decision to NOT have a serious conversation with the alcoholic the following day when they were hungover. These are the types of decisions we must learn how to make when dealing with an alcoholic.
You wouldn’t try to have a serious talk with someone right after they got out of major surgery would you? The person who is smashed from drinking too much acts a lot like someone who is under the influence of anesthesia. When they are drunk and when they are hung over is not time to discuss the serious things in life.
Living with an alcoholic takes work on our part. If we want to enjoy life more and be happier, we are going to have to change many of the things we have been doing.
There thinking is not really clear when they are under the influence.
I also learned that talking about the serious things in life late at night was not such a good idea any time. That rule with me even applies if the alcoholic hasn’t been drinking. When we are tired, the end of the day is no time to try and discuss the children’s college fund or homeowners insurance policy.
I know it’s difficult to deal with an alcoholic. These communication skills I have just shared with you will help you a great deal to not argue with an alcoholic. When you use these techniques, I guarantee you that you will experience less irritation with your situation.
Haha Pez, Seems that way,,they have a need to replace and fill the void they have just dismissed,thats more borderline i think,,im still learning about the alcoholic side.My gf was so secretive,very private in her life,,they hide what they are to others,,they have a good image to all their friends,,,its only those they have an emotional connection with they hurt most. When they feel they are getting too close with their feelings they start to panic,,shut us out then cry depression to the ones who dont know. My gf devalued me and has gone no contact now,,we didnt even part under a cloud,,no argument face to face,,she just sends texts,,they have no bottle to face us and tell us straight i dont think.I dont know how long you were with your partner or what sort of drunk he was,but they all seem to be in denial dont they,,as ive said before,,they wont let us help them,,then what can we do.!!!
My story is on these blogs. I was reading on Borderline personality and it said something like a high percentage of them 72% I believe, have substance abuse problems and 50 something % had co-morbidity factors such as Anti-social personality disorder, and Narcissism!! So, mine has the whole shebang! Absolutly all three!! or 4. Mine was a pretty severe alcoholic which just got worse over 4 years, Passing out, blackouts, balligerance, bad decisions, Pissing the bed or couch, in trouble with the law, his kids, his family. Very bad.
pez,,omg,,you should be able to teach us all a thing or two then,,a cant really comment on all symptoms,but i know what u mean though.As in alcoholics”there is a reason why they started to drink heavily. borderlines its about abuse in some form from childhood correct,,I just cant understand why they dont open up to us as loved ones,,they seem to hate us once we know,its clearly a mystery,but lets just keep reading them, The whole shebang !!! hope ya sleeping a bit better now then,bye for now,
Thanks again everyone for listening ! My soon to be ex and i sat down last week to agree on a settlement that had to be one of the hardest days of my life to know that this man only cares about matierial things and no me or his children. They really do only care about themselves. His sister posted pic of him and another woman together so drunk on facebook and we *myslf and my children deleted him *social media is so great* becuase we can stand to see this anymore and he asked me why we deleted him and i said we do not need to see this and he swore to me nothing happened that theres only been me and no one else?? i know he tells me this to reel me in and it worked i thought about it all weekend and then called him and he told me i was stupid if i thought he would ever come back to me ? They are so mean and act like thier the victims its crazy!
My AH wakes up & immediately smokes methamphetamine & then starts to drink. He is NEVER not under the influence. He has been this way for about 20 years now.
Oh Connie! That must be a pretty rough combo existence for 20 years! I hope you’ve found a way out! I am looking for/determining some options for myself. I need to take care of myself! I am a “planner” and this planning also helps me to focus on being the happy person I can be/forget how unhappy my AH seems.
Since that time my AH got so much worse & cut open my face with a beer bottle & ended up going to jail for awhile. Of course, he got sober there & realized what he had done & has been spending the time since he got out trying to get me back. He’s sober & he’s back, but I am better & am not going to jump in & go back. I had gotten my life back in the interim & had been in therapy in the interim & “still” am. I found Connie in the meantime. I have been gone for a long time. Who knew? I have a chance now. I don’t want to give up my chance. You are great! I found I was happy almost all the time when he was in jail & I am determined to keep it that way, by keeping my friends & new life. Its a little hard sometimes, but I’ve been talking it to death to make sure I don’t forget.
Im starting to think that I cant have any real conversations with my partner because of alcohol. If she can’t afford it for the night or runs out she is in a state of withdrawl that seems worse than drunk or hung over. The next day anger is even worse. She gets mad at everything. Since admitting to myself that she really is an alcoholic I’m able to know that her anger isnt really becos of me, which was a really mentally and emotionally confusing time for me, because I tried so hard to work on every critisim she gave me. Knowing their world revovles around booze allows me to make healthier decisions as to what to discuss or not.. still working on it.
I committed the ultimate sin of voicing my concern for his health this morning after 3 days of drinking and smoking without an ounce of food. I should have know better but I was tired of him telling me to get him something to eat and then waking up and finding that he had not eating a bite. I get so mad at myself for falling for this time and again. It is a double edge sword. If I get him something I am mad that he takes time from my life and then wastes it. If I don’t get him something I am a Bad person/Wife because I don’t take care of him like I should. He will threaten to leave and tell me that he is too good of a man for me to treat him like that. I seems like no matter what I do it is never the right thing. Feels like I am just here to meet his needs. I drive down the road crying because I have wasted my life on someone that does not love or respect me. I have come to realize I do not love or respect myself either. Sad end to a life of hard work. At 64 I do not see it changing.
I wonder why I even try anymore. Any time I’m around him I end up hurt or angry.
It does not change. When your living something you want it to change but most things don’t..people just need hope until its over one way or another.
All apart of living life.
[…] promise you, you’ll have more peace and serenity in your life. It’s pointless to have a serious conversation with an alcoholic when they’re drunk. A good friend of mine says, “You wouldn’t have a serious […]
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