JC: Hi Alyce, thanks for sharing about the continual strain you are experiencing in your marriage. It sounds like you are ready to make changes and are realizing that the emotional abuse has gone on long enough. We always recommend that readers attend Al-anon on this site. That’s the advice I have for you. I also think it would be wise to find an organization that specializes in helping people who are being abused. Because you mentioned God a few times, I think this book will help you a great deal: Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing (Revised Edition)
Guest Post By: Alyce
I have been married to my alcoholic for 5 years. We have two young sons together, 4 and 5 years old and I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son 2 weeks after we had moved in together and that’s when my nightmare started.
He had told me from our first date that he had always wanted children, but in his previous marriage that was not possible. I thought when I told him that he was going to be a father that he would be pleased. At first he acted happy. Then as time went on with the pregnancy, things started to change.
He would come home puking drunk on a Monday night. He owns his own business so he starts drinking when he leaves for work in the morning. Then of course the emotional abuse and manipulation began. I was just some whore. I was lazy. I needed to get out and get a job. I tried everything to please him. I would get a job and he would hound me until I would quit, then I was good for nothing again and just a gold digger. I quickly learned that I could not win.
I kept praying that after our son was born things would settle back down. After all, that’s what he always wanted, right? Things got worse because the emotional abuse then turned to my daughter. He was all the time yelling at her… over nit picky crap. We separated twice, only for me to “believe” the crap that was coming out of his mouth and take him back so we could be a “family”. Soon after, I found out I was pregnant again (even though I was on birth control!).
Then the abuse turned physical. I tried to leave only to be confronted with his family, and Texas law. You can not get divorced if you are pregnant. His family has many connections and made plenty of threats. I went back. Things would get better. And for a while they did. He did stay true to his word and never physically hurt me again, but the continued emotional abuse has really taken it’s toll on me.
People ask me why don’t you just leave? He has control of all the finances. I don’t even have a debit card. I have to ask him for his to buy groceries or get gas. I have no family close by, no job and no money. I lay awake at night crying, wishing I would wake up and find out this has all been a nightmare.
I have been lied to almost every day for the past 5 years. I am on constant egg shells. He has never had a DUI! I pray all the time that he will finally get caught, but it just never seems to happen!
I have read many of the articles on here and I am really trying to do a lot of the things that are suggested. It’s just easier said than done. Any advice?
I know that God loves me and that there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I just keep trying to make it through one more day for our boys. They are so young, and actually admire their daddy. I know that a divorce would be so crushing to them right now. He can be a really fun dad and at times we have fun as well. I wish it could be that way more and especially with my kids.