Guest Post By: Robert
I cannot believe what is happening in my ten year relationship with my wife. Yesterday she hit me around 6PM. She started an argument; I realized I didn’t want to fuss, turned and started walking away. I muttered under my breath; “stupid F… alcoholic.” She hit me with an open hand in the head just above my right ear. Her unseen blow left my right ear ringing for the next half hour. Instinctively, I swiftly swung around and pushed her away. I yelled; “STUPID…DRUG ADDICT,” ran out the front door, got in my car and left the house for about three hours. When I came home, she was gone and didn’t come home until about 7:30 in the morning the following day.
I am so sick of living like this. She used to hardly drink at all. Now every time she has a day off she gets wasted …
I don’t know what to do. This is the third time she has hit me in about three months. I don’t want to have her arrested because she is in the medical field and having an arrest on her record for domestic violence could ruin her career.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
JC: Robert thanks for sharing your story with us. I can empathize with your situation. First off, you are the one who is going to have to make some changes. The following information may help you with your situation:
How To Stop Arguing With An Alcoholic
Practicing Restraint With An Alcoholic
After you read the article about how to not argue and watch the video on restraint, it would be a good idea for you to find an Al-anon meeting ASAP. I so understand how frustrated you must be with your wife’s addiction problems, but you are going to have to stop calling her an alcoholic and drug addict in her presence. She probably feels very bad about the person she has become and deep down wants to change. She has a raging battle going on inside of her. I’m confident that she hates the person she has become.
Robert, whatever you do, DO NOT HIT your wife. Restrain yourself from being physical with her in every situation. Arguing and fighting with her will not help the situation. If someone pokes me with a stick enough times, I’m going to retaliate. I’m not blaming you for her being physical with you, but when you call her names it’s like poking her in a wounded area. She is already hurting on the inside. I know this to be true because I am a recovered alcoholic. The shame and guilt she is living in right now is awful. Deep down she knows her marriage is failing and her medical carrier is slowly going down the drain. She’s dealing with something that is so much bigger than her right now. If you love her, don’t keep this situation a secret. Get help today. If you have Al-anon in your area, go to a meeting. Find a counselor or organization that can help you with the domestic violence issues.
You and your wife are in my prayers!
Don’t let this situation continue, Robert, because it WILL escalate. Just as her drinking has escalated, so will the violence. Donna is right–DO NOT HIT YOUR WIFE. You will most surely end up in jail, with the mark on YOUR criminal record.
You may have to stay somewhere else to avoid retaliating and keep yourself safe. JC is so compassionate and kind, and Donna knows what she’s talking about, since she’s been there. As hard as it is (and believe me, I know it!), don’t argue with the alcoholic/addict. You will NEVER win. You will always end up feeling like the failure.
Take care of yourself, Robert. Get to an Al-Anon meeting right away. Let us know how you are doing.
My husband is an alcoholic and when we fought, usually because I’d had enough of his drinking he would throw things and get in my face. I would push him away and he’d push back and even put his hands around my neck. I made a decision then to stop reacting to his being drunk and started leaving the room. I would tell him I did not want to be around him when he was angry and mean then leave the room. He just stopped getting angry so I assume he was frustrated with me and did not need to hear from me what he already knew. They don’t like who they are or what they do and definitely don’t want to hear about it from us. Sorry for what you are going through. It’s a sad and lonely place.
It has gotten to the point where your wife is totally involved with herself because of the intense need for alcohol. Your relationship (right now) does not exist, and you are struggling because of the awful frustration of being with someone who is detached – a lonely life.
A supportive friend, Al-Anon and maybe a member of your church can help you but a decision has to be made if your wife is bent on drinking and losing her job and life as she knows it now. An alcoholic will drive you crazy.
Robert, I agree with Donna, do what ever it takes to get control of your reactions to your wife’s drinking problem and poking. Knowing when to speak and when we should be silent can be challenging. What helps me have more self-control when my alcoholic partner tries to start an argument is I picture her in a diaper.
Robert,Having her arrested may be the best thing you can do for her and yourself.If she keeps going down the path of destruction she won’t have to worry about an arrest record ruining her career.The dui/drug charges that she is eventually going to get will ruin it for her.
Robert, her mind is crippled by the alcohol. No, that
statement is not taking her side of things. It is a way
of dealing with their often irrational behavior. The
alcohol changes who they are and as spouses, it affects
who we are. JC sight will help you see this, especially,
with all of the readers and writers contributing. Good
luck with all of the decisions you are going to make and
you will because her sickness will force you to make a new
life letting your present life slip away. You will find
joy and peace again. If you stay and she does not get help
your life …well for me it is no life. It is only an existence.
I have been reading these emails for a while now. One night a family member had been drinking a lot and did not want to be told not to drive and would not accept the offer to be driven. He threw a fit and threw things and was better for a few days or weeks. But this has cycled over and over and over again. Long story short, the night he lost it I was done! I felt like my head would blow off my body I was so mad and upset, etc. So I typed a search about arguing with an alcoholic and found this site. It brought me to tears and helped me to take a step back and think differently about the situation. That was about a year ago. Close to the same thing happened last night, minus the cursing and throwing things, and still wanted to drive. Well, in response to Robert’s message above, I cannot imagine what life is like for you. I am so sorry for you. If it would do any good, I would give up alcohol entirely for the rest of my life if it would make all the alcoholics sober for the rest of their lives. I wrestle with this situation and with the comments on here in support of just tip toeing around the abusive behavior in the hope that one day they will see the light or hit bottom enough times. In the end it is a choice just like eating too much, having too much ice cream, thinking about things you should not, restraining yourself when you should not speak. What can you do when a person will not see they have a problem and when something bad happens they are sorry for a few days? I consider myself to be a patient person and have pretty thick skin. This situation has been the ultimate test for me. What goes on in an alcoholic’s mind that keeps them willing and able to drink so much at such tremendous expense, money, relationships, safety, trust, loneliness, etc? Obviously I am nearly at wits end again and I find myself reading another sad story how alcohol is ruining another family. Robert, I don’t know what to say except how truly sorry I am for you in your situation. I know this was not what you envisioned when you got married. I hope your situation improves. I hope she will realize that she needs help and gets help before the list of bad consequences happens.
Wow…your nice. Medical field or not her ass belongs in jail. Just like you would be there if you hit her. I had my alcoholic boyfriend of 3 years arrested twice for putting his hands on me. Enough was enough and this last time he spent 5 months in jail ..not only did he come out sober he realized next time he’ll be there longer. But as much as it hurt to put him there it taught him a good lesson.
No matter who gets hit, as in you’re a man getting hit by a woman or vice versa, it’s just unacceptable and you need to look out for yourself and protect yourself. I think you should talk to her when she is sober and tell her in no uncertain terms you will not tolerate violence and it had better never happen again or you are walking out and away for good. Have a plan and stick to it, such as walking away forever the next time it happens. I pray there is no next time, but you need to preserve your dignity and self-respect and you don’t need that or her around you. It is unhealthy for your soul. You deserve better in life. There is no excuse for violence and I’m inclined to believe if they get away with it once without any dire consequence then it will escalate or be repeated easily. Best thing to do next time is don’t give anything back, verbally or physically just calmly, quietly walk away and go see a lawyer to make arrangements for a separation. Use a third person to help you on your path to a peaceful life.
May God give you strength and courage and bless you on your difficult journey, thinking of you.
I can just imagine how my husband would react if I was to even think about hitting him. I would find myself in a jail cell or in the morgue. Please get out before you do something that you will regret the rest of your life. You do not deserve to be treated in such an unkind way. When you are looking back over this time in your life, you will be amazed how you put up with your abusive spouse.
Sorry it took me so long to respond, my computer has been broken. Things have been going fairly well, no major arguments lately. Part of the reason for this is due to the fact that she is working seven days a week right now because someone at work quit.
I am anticipating a major binge on her part when she does have time off. All of your comments so far are helping me. I am going to talk with her about the physical aggression. I ordered the lessons on this site and have been listening to them over and over in hopes I can get the courage to make changes. There’s so much to learn…
I don’t feel right about telling her that I will leave if she hits me again. I do feel that I could stand behind giving her the ultimatum that if she hits me again I will call the police. I’m hoping for a peaceful, intimate moment with her to bring it up. So far, our busy schedules are not allowing for that moment to happen.
I do know that I’m really working at leaning how to not react to her in a negative way. I want to be the one who has more self-control and walks away from a potential argument starting. I think this will help because as someone said, I keep poking her and she is reacting. If I can learn how to just let her go and detach, maybe things will change.
As I write this I am feeling sad,hurt and upset…when my wife drinks to much which is most of the time she is so hurtful with her un-justfied cruel remarks, I have learnt that it’s the alcohol talking as the next day she has no idea what she has said or done…
She brings stupid things up about me from the past at least 30 yrs ago…she will not leave me alone and will not stop running me down making me feel hurt and upset.
This has been going on for 20 yrs I would like to leave her but at 66 I am to old and do not want to start again or be on my own and I have to much to lose.
While drunk she phoned the police and said I was shouting at her to stop they turned up put me in handcuffs and took me off to spend a night in jail for doing nothing and I cant say that she would not do it again.
She will not get help and says she has no problem but I have seen a councilor who says she has a big problem, I am on blood pressure pills for high BP and this stress is probably what has caused it in the first place..I’m frightened of what will happen next and i am spending my winter years living a lie and being miserable, does she enjoy treating me this way, I said she does not deserve me, I do all the cooking,shopping,chores, and am generally nice and considerate but its all never enough.
The hurt is unbearable and just sends me into depression making me feel ill not to mention my loss of self esteem…Please help…..