I don’t think anyone can teach us how to have any depth of trust when coping with an alcoholic. They are unpredictable. Lying is one of the most dominant traits that someone with a drinking problem has. How could it be possible to trust a liar?
I do think that it’s possible to learn how to give second and third chances. We can also have a certain level of faith that they will try to do better next time.
Even though they lie so much, telling the truth is possible but not likely. They would never be truthful about how much that they have had to drink. So, never trust that what they are telling you in this arena is the truth.
Trust means to have certainty or faith in someone. It’s being able to have confidence in them. Once they break this sacred thing we all covet, it’s difficult to every let your guard down again.
Here are a few examples of how trust works or doesn’t with the alcoholic in my life.
1) I can be confident that she will go to work and bring home a pay check for a forty hour week. This is because she has a sense of responsibility to the family and a dedication to not go into debt.
2) She will not bring the alcohol into the house and keep it in the refrigerator because we have children from the ages eight through sixteen.
3) She will not always come home when she is supposed to, especially if there’s a party going on and she has the next day off.
4) She will sometimes ditch family plans to be where the party is happening.
5) It’s possible that she may have an affair because sometimes she stays out all night. One several occasions she was gone for a couple of days.
6) I can trust that she will eventually get arrested or in a car accident due to her drinking problem. Go here: Alcoholic Arrested, to learn what to do.
7) I can trust that she will do her best to start an argument at times. I know this because alcoholics use anger often to manipulate situations.
8) I can trust that expressing herself physically will be a way that she tries to make up for ditching the plans that we had so she could party for a while.
Really the only thing that you can do is learn how to let an alcoholic go. They must be able to live their lives and suffer the consequences of the choices they make. If the consequence is mistrust then so be it.
Alcohol respects no one, not women, men, husbands, wives, children, bosses or grandparents.
It’s more realistic to just look at reality and accept the truth of the situation; they only care about where and when they will get the next drink from.
Once the trust is broken, I don’t care how many meetings you attend or therapy sessions you are a part of, you will not ever be able to trust an active alcoholic. It’s just not possible. Their lives are driven and controlled by the urges to get a drink. In all honesty they love drinking more than anyone or anything else in life.
If you haven’t already read our article called Can An Alcoholic Meet Your Basic Relationship Needs. You will find within the post that a very strong need is to have “certainty” in our lives. We just don’t have that with someone battling addictions.