When is it time to hit the road or time for the alcoholic to leave?
How long do we keep loving unconditionally and getting stepped on?
If they keep using all types of substances are we supposed to stay with them?
Where, when and how do we draw the line and say; “enough is enough?”
What about an abusive person, are we supposed to stay with them?
Where can I find help in making major decisions?
Tonight’s Al-anon Meeting
I attended a very interesting support group meeting about alcoholism tonight that addressed many of these questions. As usual, every ones story was unique, but the same in many astonishing ways.
We had all experienced the abusive behaviors of an alcoholic. We were also very familiar with the feelings of love that were so strong within us and the frustrations that intermixed with that emotion.
Still the question remains, “when is it time for a relationship with an alcoholic to end?”
At what point do we pack our bags and go or kick them out?
For many people who attend support group meetings regularly, they have found the strength to love an alcoholic unconditionally. They’ve mastered the art of living with and loving them with an undying love. This can only be possible in situations where there’s not evidence of extreme abuse.
Listen up though, abuse is abuse!
If you do not understand what this is as it relates to loving an alcoholic start researching the topic.
No one has the right to bash on another person day-in and day-out. Many problem drinkers are extremely abusive in every sense of the word. It’s not uncommon for one person to be emotionally, spiritually and physically abused by an active or non active alcoholic.
I do think that in serious cases, where someone is constantly being trampled upon, it’s time for somebody to hit the road!
These types of decisions are hard to make because we live in a world filled with hope for the problem drinker. As we get stronger through participating in support meetings, our hope increases because we are no longer focused upon fear, but faith has begun to bloom.
So, even though a person’s faith is getting strong, an alcoholic should still not be allowed to treat you with horrible disrespect. When they start saying they hate you and are going to divorce you or perhaps they express that they wish you would just die, that’s when it may be time for the alcoholic to “hit the road.” You know how the rest of the expression goes; “and never come back.”
Any time you are seriously thinking about hitting the road and ending a marriage with an alcoholic, much consideration and wise counsel is advised. Discuss the situation with your pastor, therapist, close friends and above all look to God for direction.
Major decisions such as this can only be made through attending many meetings, counseling with friends who have wisdom about alcoholics and much prayer. It’s not healthy to just make a rash decision in anger when there’s an entire family to be considered. It’s not OK to make a “RASH” decision to hit the road permanently anytime.
Don’t Abandon the Home
Here’s a little thing I learned in therapy groups, if the alcoholic is demanding that you pack your bags and leave, tell them no if you both own the house. Make it clear to them that they are the ones who are expressing an unhappiness and if they want a separation that they will have to move out NOW! This stance has legal implications for you. If you ever find yourself in court and a judge is trying to make a decision as to who gets to stay in the house, if the alcoholic moved out that will be to your advantage.
Taking a Break
Living with, working with or just having a friendship with an alcoholic can be very trying at times. When a relationship gets to the point where it’s no longer bearable, it may be time to “temporarily” hit the road. Sometimes a short, much needed break from associating with the problem drinker can make a world of difference in our outlook about the situation.
You know what they say; “if you can’t stand the heart-get out of the kitchen.” You may just need to take a short break and cool down a bit. This can be done in many different ways. A good place to start is by attending a support group meeting about alcoholism.
I just recently got out of a relationship with an alcoholic. I am too old to deal with all the verbal abuse, shutting out and blaming everyone else for his drinking. Life is too short. I love him and will pray for him and I forgive him for all the hurtful things he has said, but only people who deserve my energy and love will get it in the future.
I love this quote. Letting go of negative people does not mean I hate them, it just means I love me.
And as I told my guy, I love you more than you love yourself and I can’t stop your drinking anymore than you can lose the weight that I have worked to lose.
I would love some advice. For years, I have been the breadwinner but now my AF is earning the money. I expect I will find another job over the next couple of months and once I’m secure, I want to ask him to leave my home, but don’t know how. I have always had a hard time with confrontations or saying hurtful things. I can break up with someone in a fit of anger, but don’t know how to do that when I am feeling so calm. I am really trying to gear myself up to this. My friends don’t think I’ll be able to do it because I’ve been in this place so many times before and just let it be.
He’s a sweet guy, drunk or sober, and my friends and family all love him. So do I, but I know now that I want more. I want a relationship that doesn’t center around someone’s addictions, that is positive and makes me happy. I want the same for him, too, but not with me. It’s been too many years and I have lost so much time not living the life I want to. I’ve never had to break up with someone like this before – he’s the first guy I’ve ever lived with. What do I say? How can I make it somehow positive for him? Should I tell his family about this before it happens so they can be there for him? I’m pretty sure that will piss him off because he doesn’t like the fact that I open up to his siblings (I am close to them), but I don’t want him to go off on a drinking binge. Maybe I am over-thinking this?
Any success stories folks can share will also help me steel my resolve. Thanks!
BTW, we’ve been together for 15 years and living together for almost half of that.
Sounds like you are using him to me. Tell him you want him to move out and do that TONIGHT! Give him a date to be moved out by.
You are right, Ardin, but I kind of feel like it’s my due. I have loaned him thousands of dollars over the years and supported him financially for the last 5, so a couple of months of him holding up the financial end is the least he can do, in my opinion. But I will give what you said some thought with regards to giving him a date to move out by.