How To Cope With An Angry Alcoholic

Have you ever heard of the expression: “get out of harm’s way?” If you’re living with an angry alcoholic, then you need to learn how to get out of the way of being hurt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can give you a few tips in this article on how to cope, but you really need to get involved with alcoholism support group meetings. There are hundreds of ways to protect yourself from the affects of an angry alcoholic.

My former alcoholic spouse was very abusive in every sense of the word. She was filled with hatred and seemed to thrive on criticizing others all of the time. She was the type of person who found fault in everything.

One moment everything could be going fine and the next she was ranting and raving about something. Now, she also had a pain pill addiction problem that contributed to her rage. The mood swings of an alcoholic are intensified greatly when there are narcotics involved in their daily addictive patterns.

Most alcoholics use anger and anxiety as weapons. They unconsciously try to do things to those around them in order to get a negative reaction out of others. Once the “other” person is acting like a loon, then the alcoholic can point their finger at the other person’s behaviors instead of looking at their own. The sad part of all this is that we are left being angry, then they go get plastered. We must learn how to not let them get to us.

It can be devastating when someone is seeking to experience intimacy with an alcoholic spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and instead, the normal routine is for the alcoholic to criticize them. Parents, friends and co-workers are no exception to this character defect of “anger” commonly found in alcoholics.

Rule Number One When Dealing With An Alcoholic


Never fight and argue with an alcoholic. Under no circumstances should we ever step into the ring and fight with them. This means that we are going to need to learn how to get control of our reactions to all the things they are doing to push our buttons. We have to become tough as nails.

There are hundreds of ways of avoiding an angry alcoholic. When you get involved in alcoholism support group meetings, you can learn from the wisdom of others. There are certain ways to handle different situations. For instance, you can go into another room, close the door and lock it. You can leave the house when their anger is getting out of control.

Take time to think of different ways that you can avoid having a confrontation with the problem drinker and start doing those things.

To avoid arguing, say things like:

  1. I’m sorry you feel that way.
  2. You may be right.
  3. Let me think about that.
  4. I don’t care to discuss that with you right now.

Then, get away from them as quick as possible.

Rule Number Two


You cannot look to an alcoholic for love. They just cannot fulfill your need to be loved. Alcoholics love one thing and one thing only… getting drunk. That’s the reality of the situation that you are dealing with. You are going to have to look at yourself and know that the mean things they are saying about you are not true.

It’s funny, somehow I knew that deep down inside that my raging, angry alcoholic spouse loved me. Even though she treated me like crap, I still knew that she loved me. Even though I knew this, I still had to see reality for what it was, I was married to an abusive alcoholic spouse. In situations like this, we can hope for change and believe they love us, but we must not sugar coat the reality of what is happening to us.

No one should accept unacceptable behavior from anyone, especially alcoholics/addicts. No one should be a doormat. You must learn how to set boundaries with an alcoholic.

I’m guessing that because you are reading this someone is being awfully mean to you. We have an email mini-course that can help you start learning how to cope with an angry alcoholic. You will find it located in the sidebar. After you sign-up, you will also be presented with an entire audio lesson course that can teach you how to handle situations involving angry alcoholics. Don’t wait for things to get worse. Make a commitment today to start learning how to protect yourself from the horrible effects of dysfunctional relationships.
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102 comments to How To Cope With An Angry Alcoholic

  • Elaine

    I do not understand myself Carollyn how this behaviour could be described as functional and I am not sure where such terminology started. My Dad’s friend would start his day with a few nips of straight whiskey before he was capable of leaving house, my friend Jim held a job down but would drink throughout the day from his hidden stash.. again his day would start with alcohol before he could leave house, then there is my partner and his father in law also who do the same…. I think they might see themselves as functional but nobody else would.
    As awful and heartbreaking it must have been for you to witness your ex’s abusive behaviour over Skype, I am truly thankful that he showed this side again before you were to give him a new start and make a mistake that could have cost you dearly. From what I have seen from many different individuals with drink problems is that they never change. All their I’m sorry I wont do it again means croc, I like to believe that somewhere in them they loved us and still do but the drink comes first. If they are unable to see the pain they cause and make any attempt to change this then you can see that they love the drink more and will forever remain that selfish and needy person. I’m sorry for being so cynical, I want to believe but It would be foolish of me.
    I think your ex would have been extremely angry when you filed and yes, may have felt hatred for you. It is an understandable human reaction. I am not sure if you hoped filing for divorce would make him wake up, smell the coffee and change his ways to become the man you so want. It seems you still think of him alot. My friend Jim would often speak of his love for some of the women in his life and how each and every one of them dumped him for his drinking, would speak with the utmost devotion for a couple of them but it never once stopped his drinking and it always came first. Because your husband chose to drink doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you Carollyn. It unfortunately just meant that drink came first over and above anything else. I am so sorry and do not wish to cause you harm but you deserve better than to come second best never mind all the rest of the grief and hardship that comes with living with an alcoholic.
    The rock bottom cases I know personally of all involved the individual being hospitalised. One still lives with his wife who crazily still drinks despite her having three strokes, her husband nearly dying and there children not letting them see the grandkids… evidently none of this was her rock bottom. The other two individuals I know both stay within a care environment. Both found themselves sectioned under the mental health act which then went onto result with them ceasing to drink the way they did. They both say they would never ever touch a drop again because it is evil. And one other case that I have just thought of was a friend of my families again…. Her children refused to speak to her and moved out as soon as possible, her husband left, the people of the town where she lived would make fun of her and still none of this was her rock bottom. It was just when she crashed the vehicle she was driving in, got arrested, lost her job then put in jail for causing the death of someone else that she hit bottom. Who can truly say who or what makes them change their behaviour and reach that place Carollyn

  • carollyn

    Thanks Elaine for your honesty…honesty should always be commended…..I desired that from my ex….all the times he lied bout stopping but hid his alcohol in garage & pot in closet….little boxes of perscription drugs here & there from his ex gfs or ex wife…..he prob took some of mine too….if my AH could have been honest & persued help to stop …Id still be with him….but his actions said the opposite…he either was to weak to overcome his demons or didnt want to…..guess Ill never know…I pray for him to overcome & find God he claimed he cared about….actually I think when they cant overcome it would be classified as an Idol as Bible describes dont you? Seems they put addiction(S) above God family & even their own mental physical emotional health….maybe they dont like theirselves either…mine tried to suffocate his self with pillow ….put his head though wall hit his fist against wall to try & break it he said…said hed just drive off cliff fix everything…or kill people at work that took advantage of him & that would fix everything he said….I had to get him to stop all this behavior…so he didnt carry through with his threats against hs self others I never called 911 cause hed lose job .smetimes now I wish I would have…….however one time he beat hisself up so hard in head he thought he had concussion next day…. he was abused he claimed as a child yelled at by his dad saying he couldnt do anything right & his mom wanted him to be a girl & dressed him up as one for a long time & also said she didnt like him or his sis..they ruined her carreer…I dont know if this was just another poor me excuse or maybe true….prob. was somewhat but he may have exaggerated…he always said things different than they really were….had a victum mentality…which is also common evidently in A’S…its been almst a year since he left….Im praying I can move on soon…Im going to try & date again to see if i feel ready again..appreciate prayers & my prayers are with u all also! Gods blessings & protection!

  • SJC

    My father quit drinking when I was 8. He was driving drunk and hit a telephone poll. The doctors came out of surgery and told my mother he was not going to make it…she passed out in the waiting room. He did make it and quit drinking. He lived 16 years after that and I’m not sure (I was young) but I can count about 6 times he relapsed.
    When he did relapse my mother and sister would take him to Shick (AA treatment center) to dry out.

    BUT… when I became close to teenage years, he was emotionally and verbal abusive to me. My mother protected me as much as she could but she could not CHANGE him. She would always come in the room and shoo him
    away. For some reason he would back off and listen to her. But it still did life damage to me. My older sister ( was/is married) had/has a rage disorder (she does NOT drink) and saw/sees me the same way he did.
    He should have put a stop to that because needless to say, we are not close at all. A’s are not dealing with a full deck and can’t do the things they are suppose to do in life, I believe it is because of the drinking and the damage it does to the frontal lobe. I read if you drink for decades the damage it causes to the brain is not reversible.

    I married a high functioning A, did not realize he was was an A. He blamed and criticized me (like daddy)lol. All of this has taken a toll on my self esteem AGAIN.
    I told myself and friends after the divorce…once I make to the other side of the river, I am going to be a better person from all this. I am very much into self help etc… I have realized lately that I have hit rock bottom (I’m not an A but I think that hard times can make anybody hit bottom and realize things have to change in their life).
    I am now learning what it means to love yourself. I have been watching Oprah’s station. Sundays she has Super Soul Sunday.
    It is helping me to change the way I think and feel on the inside. It comes on tomorrow if you want to watch.

    A friend of mine said about A’s. The saying they have…you can see what it is doing to them, but, can you see what it is doing to you.

    I will never get involved with an A or an recovering A again. No good can come from it.
    This is not a dress rehearsal. My thoughts are with both of you for peace.

  • carollyn

    Your e-mails are very insightful & informative & I appreciate them,thank you! I will watch Oprah….I need a boost in self esteeem also…..I get angy & call myself stupid or why did u do that or this & that self criticism….maybe cause i heard it from him so long…I turn it around to positive but i just want this self criticism to go away…I wonder whats wrong with me…this will go away wont it???? Did u know in the Bible what God says about an angry man? Its a learned behavior.(SJC..your sis must have replicated your dads behavior …very sad. but u were the scapegoat..u evidently still are with her(Im sorry…maybe u should stay clear of her.forgive yes but don’t let her use u..k?)….I will post the verses if u like…but the Bible says not to even hang out with an angry man….& what it says is true… friends says that I do it because of being with him in marriage….I actually started when things started getting worse in marriage…..he always turned things to say his anger was my fault as marriage went on..after i started saying stop drinking & stopped babying him…before that it was this or that circumstance or other people in present or past that abused him…& that caused what he said was a knee jerk reaction when he lashed out at me…(had nothng to do with anything I did)….but then it progressed to tying to provoke me….if he couldnt do that & I didnt react then it was still my fault cause I was silent…(I tried eveything to communicate) there was certainly no reasoning with him no matter what I said it was a no-win-no-win situation…so insightful what u said…that we cant see what its doing to us just what its doing to them.. living with an A …I won’t get involved wth an A …or recovered one either…however…he kept it from me…& I pray i see signs that I didnt see before i married him in someone else…cause I wasnt aware of red flags….so Im praying for desernment ….I can’t go through that again either……I also pray for everyones peace…we need it for closure ….& for those dealing with an A… there is no peace.. very often…but God can give u peace that passeth all understanding if u ask for it….for much needed breaks…Im thankful SJC…that u & I are now safe. (& for those that aren’t…Ill pray for your safety……God bless!….(if someone wants me to find the Bible vests bout an angry man…let me know & i wll look them up & post them..) 🙂

  • Elaine

    Thank you Carollyn and SJC for taking the time to post your stories here, it means alot and is greatly appreciated. I also have to say that the both of you are already the better person in all of this, neither of you have done anything wrong and should never ever forget just how strong and beautiful you are.
    The self criticism is a killer and yes I think we do that because we have heard it for so long. We have been brain washed into believing it. Use that negative voice in your head to tell it to be quiet, tell it it is wrong and scold it.Tell it you ARE worth it. Sometimes this works for me but I also have to admit that sometimes you just can’t seem to pick yourself up from that slump. There is nothing wrong with you at all Carollyn, you have been conditioned into thinking/believing the negative voice because it is all you have known for so long. I can not say if it ever truly goes away but it certainly does get better and more easier to be positive about yourself. We all need to retrain our brains into seeing that we are worth it and I would definately recommend self help.
    Remain positive, love yourselves for the amazing creatures that we are and stay safe xx

  • carollyn

    Thanks Elaine……Its nice to know that its a nomal thing….guess it is like brain washing…..I turn my thinking around but Im actually angry at myself for stupid stuff i do …..I was never like that & i know God doesn’t want me to do that…& I claim his promise that i am fearfully & wonderfully made & that God loves me….Im more confused about the anger I feel at myself.. maybe I feel guilty because I wonder as a Christian if i should have stayed & been strong enough to endure the abuse & try to help my husband. more ..almost like I deserted him…hes messed up…I wish i could have helped him change but I hoped I did right thing in demanding he get help for anger & alcohol prob. … the thing is I filed cause he showed me he was drunk & abusive on skype so I figured he wasnt gonna change so i filed(& didn’t go to AZ to give him another chance) then said Id postpone divorce if he got intensive help….however…it took me a while to offer that…I already filed…did that push him away& make him hard hearted so thats why he didn’t come back with a yes? SHould I have responded to the same promise he made to me he always made over my voicemail before i filed? .Guess I need peace..about it…I gave him so many chances & he lied every time bout stopping….what if this time he was telling the truth?….its nice to know it gets easier to to be positive…..maybe it would be good to talk to my minister/counselor bout this…I also have a steven minister fom a church that is an after care for divorce care…..maybe Ill talk to her also…..Its not somethng i think of ….just how i react when I forget things or don’t get something done fast enough…etc. ……I will seek reading help & people & try to come out of this cause im not doing vey well myself….so your right…..thanks for suggestion Elaine! Are u out of your relationship with your A? Gods blessings & protection to all! 🙂

  • Elaine

    From what you have posted before I too wondered if within yourself you felt like you could or should have done more. This is not the case at all Carollyn. You gave your ex plenty of chances and you should never ever have to endure any sort of abuse. You wanted him to get help, you let him know the drinking was upsetting , you said you would postpone the divorce but none of this made a difference to him. You never deserted your husband at all hun so please please do not put yourself through that.
    I would talk to your minister/counselor as well as your steven minister. Talking helps. We are often so hard on ourselves, we believe sometimes that yes we should have done it different, that we should have done more and that it is our fault but often when you speak with others their reactions and words spoken show you that we did nothing wrong. You tried your best Carollyn, you have been far stronger than you know, and now you need to stop judging yourself honey.
    My other half has said over last few days that he has been cutting down. Has told me that he only drank the 8 cans in an evening rather than about 11 – 15. I just nod and say yeah. He sleeps in the spare room like a bum and now I just leave him there. Before I would get angry at him, plead with him to stop drinking but now I take everything he says with a large pinch of salt. Have heard it time and time again Carollyn. He will manage to get off drink, has done it so many times then will end up back on it again. To be honest I think I have just given up. Most of the time I switch off to it, become numb and just deal the best with situation I live in. Some days though I see what others live like, see that this relationship I am in is greatly dysfunctional and I want more.
    I truly hope you find the peace you so badly need Carollyn, feel awful that you are struggling. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it x

  • carollyn

    Aww..u are so kind Elaine & your words help me…..I hope u will be able to move on….maybe u should ask yourself what it would take for u to do so….or what is keeping u there….i know what u mean by numb feelings…I felt like a zombie a lot of the time….I hope u have someone to talk to to help u decide what u are going to do………I have to remind myself I gave him so many chances to stop….I guess its just that in filing before offering a 2nd chance…Im wondeing if I messed a second chance up…I believe its not over till its over & I offered to postpone divorce…but maybe he saw things differently….I stayed stong & ignored hs e-mails & voicemail cause id head the same things before again & again & like your ah he stopped for short time (I think)….he may have been sneaking some…one time I found bottles of opened here & there accidently in the garage….he went out to smoke…& came in thought I smelled liquor….so went out & there the bottle was in his tool room….saw them other times too….have u noticed when they say they have stopped drinking.. they don’t kiss you???? does yours do perscription drugs too? Id find little boxes of diff kinds of pills here & there (in his backpack he for work drawers…..I looked them up one time on line…one was pain pill…one a migraine pill.. zanax ..forget bout all of them…he also did pot…Id smell it ..he denied it…he left it out one day…even denied it in counselors…but I told him he left it out then he said well he didn’t do it as much as he used to….so now…remembering…he was a lier….that desnt make for a good relationship does it? Im sure u have went though this stuff too…God blessings & safety!

  • carollyn

    wow ! I just read about effects of damage to frontal lobe …it explains his extreme anger outbusts & irrationality…..I wonder at what point the effects are irreversible ? If a brain test was done can they see damage & if it is reversible or if it isn’t ? I understand now but it still means the significant others with them are going to have to suffer with them unless they stop & it is reversible ….I was amazed that my ah didnt have liver damaged he said he was tested…but my counselor says he sees a’s and they seem to show physical effects all at once steven minister says I’m still gieving cause eveything seems so ovewhelming and I have trouble getting to sleep and waking up even just getting dreseed seems like a chore ……they say to push youself but Id just like to stay in pjs and in house and hide fom the world thats not healthy is it? I did have a question to all u living with an a …my ah always picked out someone to be a hero to……a dis functional boy ….a little girl….people that were sick & people that needed money…..we didn’t spend much always on budget cause he had loans he took out for other people before we were married.then tried to get it back …he felt taken advantage of … he prob lent it when drunk??????..I also noticed that he was still his ex gfs kids friend.. always tried to play rescue …. he helped people do this & that & was nice to friends but abused me his wife at home…had hardly any time for me…at first I thought all theses things were so nice…but then realized it was so he could play hero & win their affection (also hehad control cause they wee vulnerable & needed him… ..I noticed he is on campaign now for cancer patients…at least his hero play helps others…sometimes..I remembe one of girls at chuch … he played drums in…. had a husband that said to her “well u will never see that” (cause she was sick & hinted at her not living long enough to see something)…Craig (my ah told me that & how he consoled her…but he abused me just as badly emotionally ….and he tried to help another guy that had a temper and a kid that had abuse issues …. talk about the blind leading the blind..I didnt go to chuch with him cause i wanted to puke knowing how he really was ..he never had time for me or was kind to me (only after he went on a temper rampage) …its almost like he didn’t realize how mean and abusive he was to me (oblivious to it … how can that be? I think he got mad.. at me for filing like how dare her(maybe he couldn’t take the fact another gil left his abusive self)…his sis he lives with acts like she dont see or hear his bad behavior….cause they have a symbiotic relationship…..actually it scares me to date cause how many other guys are hiding secret addictions like he did from me?..and are playing hero in public but at home are their bad selves…I really hate the dating scene….& I hope & pay God gives me desenment when dating to not be blind to red flags…praying for u all to be safe well if u see any chaacteistics like my ah had be interesting to see similaities….God bless!

  • Nance

    The one common factor I can see the A brings to non-drinkers life is the realization we are not in control of much of anything…and to explore the concept of God in a serious way. This is the gift the A gives….and for me trying to figure out how to respond, and not react. Considering how insane it is at times, and the betrayal of Alcohol being the most important thing in their life…it is a challenge to say the least. God bless to everyone and know it is not all your fault. It really can not be ALL your fault. Think about it?

  • Nance

    PS I am not saying anyone here thinks it is all their fault, but people new to the realization may at first be told bad things are their fault when they are not.

  • Nellie

    Hi Carollyn,
    Yes, it is weird how they can put on their best selves with others, but show their true colours at home.
    AA was founded on the belief that “a drunk will do anything to help another drunk” – they are in a
    particular position of being able to understand and help in this situation. For some reason, this
    compassion doesn’t extend to significant others.
    I did read that along with frontal lobe damage, there is an anaesthetising effect on most of the brain,
    which leaves just the amygdala as their functioning portion. The amygdala is also known as the
    “reptillian” part of the brain – all about pecking orders and kill or get killed. In short, a person who is
    operating on just the reptillian part of their brain is not a very nice person. At all. Hence the hatred,
    abuse etc etc. You just happen to be the person in the firing line.
    There has to be a better life for us Carollyn. Perhaps we should have alcohol/drug screens on anyone
    we consider dating in the future!! I’d like to say that a real Knight in Shining Armour is coming soon,
    but mine still hasn’t arrived, and I’m nearly 50!!! Being free of abuse and non-love is a gigantic
    victory all by itself!

  • Elaine

    Have you spoken to anyone regarding your struggle to sleep and be motivated Carollyn? You’re right when you say it isn’t healthy hun, it’s good that you see that. Its good that you see this needs to change, that you want to get better. You’ll get there in the end hun, you just need to do it in your time when you’re ready.
    I so understand when you speak of wanting to puke. Seeing how nice your other half would act with others, have others tell you just how decent a person they are made and still makes my insides churn. I hate this. Sometimes I used to ask him if he would treat his mum like he treats me, speak to her like dirt in the hope he might see and understand but it never worked. He doesn’t go out of his way to act the hero type figure but he certainly does put on a different persona when in company of others.
    My other half has hit bottle again big time. Listened to him tell his Mum yesterday that he was off it, he said it with such pride and determination yet today he blew the last of his money on vodka then went out to his friend’s house to drink. I didn’t shout when I woke to him saying he’d had a glass of voddy and it made him feel better so was away to buy more but the tone of my voice betrayed me when I said “vodka” questioningly and he went off on one for me moaning at him. Tried to say that I didn’t moan but as he said I didn’t have to because you heard it in my voice.This went on for a bit with him calling me all the swear words under the sun and just being plain nasty.Today hasn’t been a good day and today I have to say has been a real struggle to remain calm and remain positive.I feeling pretty low but thankfully he probably wont be home tonight and I know I’ll bounce back up.
    Thoughts are with all out there, stay safe and take care

  • SJC

    Carollyn, we are kindred spirits at this time. lol I just have to say this. I have close friends that have not suffer emotional abuse like I have (from my dry drunk father, non-a sister(but can act like one)and high functioning xa). I know what it is like to want to stay in pjs, in the house and hide from the world. I still do it. That is why I think I have hit bottom. A friend of mine told me that when you want to learn the universe will teach you. I have asked for help and once again I think your experience is the way the universe is helping me to understand that others are experiencing the same thing, I am not the only one and I can learn from your posts. Thank you. Of course its a club that no one wants to be a member of.

    I read that if you drink heavy for five years the brain damage is reversible, if you drink for decades it is not reversible. Also read that they stop maturing at the age they start drinking, if this is true, once they stop drinking they have alot of years to TRY to catch up with the rest of us. I read an article from a woman that talk about how much crazier her husband has gotten over the years
    and I realized that I think my father did the same thing, even though he quit drinking 16 years early. Even my sister said that she thought our father went crazy towards the end.
    I don’t want to be negative but I don’t have alot of hope for a’s unless they guit drinking very young in life.

    You mentioned in one of your post that you would post the words from the Bible about angry men. When you get the time please post.
    I am not still with my sister but she was sick last year and we spoke on the phone. I have seen her 1 time in the last 14 years because I don’t want to be around the perception she has of me. Like a friend of mine said I have to protect my self esteem. I deal with and will always deal with feeling like I need to explain to people what I mean by something and feeling at fault. I can not be around her or people that blame others for everything. I have done my time with that.

    Did you get the chance to see Oprah’s life class with Paulo Coelho? I loved it when
    Oprah read “Listen to your heart it knows all things”. And then there was a large thunder outside and Paulo said their is your omen from the universe. Toooo Cool. For everyone reading Oprah’s has alot of good things on her station. SuperSoul Sunday, LifeClass, Help Desk etc…

  • Amy

    Can anyone give me quick tip on how to handle this? He will say things like, why did you take the binoculars, why did you put look in that box and put stuff back in upside down? I know it is small and petty, but it drives me nuts. When I reply, “I didn’t take or touch your stuff”, he then replies, “stop lying, why do you lie to me”? That just makes me more angry. How do I learn not to react to this? Please, I really need help with this. Thanks.

  • SJC

    I have read and heard that a’s know how they act. I told my xa several times that I did not say things to him like he says to me and his reply was “no, you don’t”. One time he said
    to do something (I don’t remember what it was, it was nice not mean or anything)and I said if I do are you going to throw it back in my face later. He said “yea, probably so”. We both laughed because he did have a great sense of humor. What I miss about him. They really are 2 different people. He also was nice to everyone else. Like i say…anyone can plant roses in their front yard. You have to live in the same house to see it.
    The movie Flight with Denzel Washington (good lookin and love the way he carries himself)is about a pilot that lands a malfunctioning plane after heavy drinking. At the end of the movie his son comes to visit him and said to him …so, who are you. I told my bestfriend that is what I could say to my xa and father.
    She said…that is why I wanted you to see the movie, you never really knew who xa was.
    They lie to themselves and lie to everyone else. FYI good movie!

  • SJC

    Another example of… when your ready to learn the universe will teach you. It will come in different ways. This time was watching a movie. I know after all this…I will be a happier and healthier person. We can all do it. Like Nance said it is the gift A gives.

  • Elaine

    I wish I could give you a straight answer Amy, perhaps others have tips on this. Some days what he says will go over my head and not affect me, other times though it cuts deep. I react.. sometimes angrily because I can’t take the hurt and painful words no more and other times I will feebly try to respond in a civilised manner.
    It pains me so much that all of us are out there, I wish we didn’t have to suffer this way. I wish I had the strength…
    Stay strong everyone, be safe

  • SJC

    Amy, this article may help. Copy and paste as is. Living With an Alcoholic Who Constantly Blames –

    I have read to respond by saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

  • paula

    For what ever this counts for…..i do believe at least some of the anger caused by drinking could be caused by general irritability of dehydration. Drinkers also tend not to want to drink water….maybe because of the harsh way it goes down when one lacks electrolytes.

  • carollyn

    These are veses n Bible on anger…Gods word is true & u all will be amazed when u read them……because they so relate to what we have experienced with a’s…there is another verse Im going to look up about the effect on our behavior because we are around them & also I wll comment on remaks others have made since my last post relating to the Bble verses & how they relate to some things we all have said……hee ae most Bible veses on ante.I will post again when i find other one
    …God bless! OpenBible.infoGeocoding Topical Bible Realtime Bible Search Labs Blog

    What does the Bible say about ?

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    Psalm 37:8 ESV / 333 helpful votes

    Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

    Proverbs 14:29 ESV / 294 helpful votes

    Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

    James 1:20 ESV / 272 helpful votes

    For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

    Ephesians 4:26 ESV / 203 helpful votes

    Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

    James 1:19 ESV / 178 helpful votes

    Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

    Proverbs 15:1 ESV / 175 helpful votes

    A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

    Ephesians 4:31 ESV / 148 helpful votes

    Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

    Galatians 5:12 ESV / 136 helpful votes

    I wish those who unsettle you would emasculate themselves!

    Proverbs 19:11 ESV / 126 helpful votes

    Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

    Ecclesiastes 7:9 ESV / 121 helpful votes

    Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.

    James 1:19-20 ESV / 114 helpful votes

    Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

    Proverbs 29:11 ESV / 89 helpful votes

    A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

    Proverbs 16:32 ESV / 86 helpful votes

    Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

    Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV / 68 helpful votes

    Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

    Proverbs 15:18 ESV / 63 helpful votes

    A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.

    Colossians 3:8 ESV / 62 helpful votes

    But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

    Psalm 103:8 ESV / 60 helpful votes

    The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

    Matthew 5:22 ESV / 52 helpful votes

    But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

    Jonah 4:4 ESV / 48 helpful votes

    And the Lord said, “Do you do well to be angry?”

    1 Timothy 2:8 ESV / 47 helpful votes

    I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling;

    Proverbs 29:9 ESV / 40 helpful votes

    If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.

    Proverbs 22:24 ESV / 39 helpful votes

    Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,

    Romans 12:19 ESV / 38 helpful votes

    Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

    Proverbs 14:17 ESV / 36 helpful votes

    A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.

    Romans 2:5 ESV / 32 helpful votes

    But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed.

    Galatians 5:19-21 ESV / 29 helpful votes

    Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

    Proverbs 16:29 ESV / 29 helpful votes

    A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good.

    Proverbs 25:28 ESV / 28 helpful votes

    A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

    Psalm 37:8-9 ESV / 25 helpful votes

    Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

    Philippians 2:14 ESV / 24 helpful votes

    Do all things without grumbling or questioning,

    1 John 2:1-29 ESV / 21 helpful votes

    My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

    Proverbs 29:22 ESV / 21 helpful votes

    A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

    Titus 1:7 ESV / 19 helpful votes

    For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain,

    1 Corinthians 13:4-5 ESV / 18 helpful votes

    Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

    Psalm 37:7-9 ESV / 18 helpful votes

    Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

    Philippians 2:13 ESV / 13 helpful votes

    For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

    Ephesians 5:6 ESV / 13 helpful votes

    Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.

    2 Corinthians 12:20 ESV / 12 helpful votes

    For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.

    John 3:16-17 ESV / 12 helpful votes

    “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

    Proverbs 27:4 ESV / 12 helpful votes

    Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

    Proverbs 27:3 ESV / 11 helpful votes

    A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.

    Isaiah 48:9 ESV / 10 helpful votes

    “For my name’s sake I defer my anger, for the sake of my praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off.

    Proverbs 12:16 ESV / 10 helpful votes

    The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

    Psalm 4:4 ESV / 10 helpful votes

    Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah

    Hebrews 3:11 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    As I swore in my wrath, ‘They shall not enter my rest.’”

    Acts 7:54-58 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    Now when they heard these things they were enraged, and they ground their teeth at him. But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. And he said, “Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” But they cried out with a loud voice and stopped their ears and rushed together at him. Then they cast him out of the city and stoned him. And the witnesses laid down their garments at the feet of a young man named Saul.

    Nahum 1:6 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    Who can stand before his indignation? Who can endure the heat of his anger? His wrath is poured out like fire, and the rocks are broken into pieces by him.

    Isaiah 4:1-6 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    And seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, “We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes, only let us be called by your name; take away our reproach.” In that day the branch of the Lord shall be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the land shall be the pride and honor of the survivors of Israel. And he who is left in Zion and remains in Jerusalem will be called holy, everyone who has been recorded for life in Jerusalem, when the Lord shall have washed away the filth of the daughters of Zion and cleansed the bloodstains of Jerusalem from its midst by a spirit of judgment and by a spirit of burning. Then the Lord will create over the whole site of Mount Zion and over her assemblies a cloud by day, and smoke and the shining of a flaming fire by night; for over all the glory there will be a canopy.

    Proverbs 16:14 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    A king’s wrath is a messenger of death, and a wise man will appease it.

    Proverbs 6:34 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge.

    Job 5:2 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    Surely vexation kills the fool, and jealousy slays the simple.

    Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV / 8 helpful votes

    Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

    Mark 3:5 ESV / 8 helpful votes

    And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored.

    Isaiah 57:16 ESV / 8 helpful votes

    For I will not contend forever, nor will I always be angry; for the spirit would grow faint before me, and the breath of life that I made.

    Proverbs 29:8 ESV / 8 helpful votes

    Scoffers set a city aflame, but the wise turn away wrath.

    Proverbs 19:19 ESV / 8 helpful votes

    A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.

  • carollyn

    Here s the vese i was hunting Proverbs chapter 22 (TEV)

    24 Don’t make friends with people who have hot, violent tempers. 25 You might learn their habits and not be able to change……..

    the page was eally good I will put paste so whoever wants to look at it can..on next e-mail….in next post have to fnd again 🙂

  • SJC

    Thanks Carollyn. Very interesting.

  • carollyn

    Proverbs 27:3 ESV / 11 helpful votes

    A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.

    How many times have our ahs provoked us to the limit…..because they want to argue? Mine tried so hard & if I didnt respond hed call me a kid with box of crayons walkng away…not sharing in conversation.I guess…but there was no effective communication…Id try to expalin he misunderstood this or that ..but nothing worked except coddling him for his
    cause h
    e had excuse for it & it was always cause he was victum in some way…

    proverbs 2 9/9

    If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.

    Theres no winning tryng to explain it just gets more more provocative….

    then there is this prooverbs 19:19 ESV / 8 helpful votes

    A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.

    How many times have we put out the fire of the ah only do it again & again….enabling dont help…its more peaceful enviornment but the ah never changes.

    Proverbs 6:34 ESV / 9 helpful votes

    For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge.

    My ah was also very jealous & told me so..of my relatonship with Christ…of me taking early retirement & not working….even of my disabled son not having to work (fom previous marriage).my ah would always say….u don’t appreciate me working… don’t u think i deserve a rest…..this is when I just ask him a question about anything.he said he had enough thinking at work & accused me of wanting him to work more & of not acknowledging that he neeeded rest cause of his hard work..hed say some people actually have to go to work……thats why I walked on eggshells didn’t know when to ask him something or discuss something or do anything….cause he’d blow up over nothing…

    these are some of veses I relate to…& probably all of u relate to many of these veses of anger in Bible…..u all will see if u read them & please share…itss nice to have a connection to those who have had trials wth ahs

    I think its beautiful for those of u who mentioned the gifts of the AH…and I look at it as lessons learned from trials they have put us through..but using the word gift makes one realize that we can become better people through these trials when we learn patience & forgiveness ….& other things one must devolop to live with the ah..just to stay sane! ..Gods blessings to all & thanks of comments so helpful!!!!

  • Elaine

    It has been some time since I posted last on here, I do hope that you are all well and keeping strong.
    My world has been very topsy turvy recently and right now I feel the need to reach out.
    …I again started to believe my A could change, be the person I so dreamed off when I should have known better. I stayed by his side, his mood swings and him feeling so low himself and boy did that blow up in my face. I woke one morning to the sound of him shouting about something then he said he was going out. Even then I felt awful, felt I had done wrong although I had just woken and had no idea what was happening. He left that thursday morning and I heard nothing until late sunday night when one of his drinking buddies contacted me. In short I payed his fare home because nobody else would put up with him and then he told me he had cheated. I can’t even describe the blow this had on me. I did what I do best however, I switched off to what was happening, became numb and tried to cope the best I could. I thought I was doing good, hell I have been but these last two days I feel like I am falling apart. I feel very weak and have turned around him doing wrong to blaming myself for it all. I am aware I am doing this and see I need to be strong but it is a constant struggle. Feel so so afraid right now and so so small

  • Antonia

    So my AH decided to cut up our marriage certificate into tiny pieces in a moment of rage. Funny thing is days before that we seemed to get along just before his mom called baggering him over something she heard he did from a neighbor.(Long story) He just did what alcoholics do best, play the blame game. Gotta say I’m ok about all this coz now at least I have closure that our six year marriage aint going anywhere after his affair that happened seven months back. The other woman left the country and I thot they’d broken it off.(You never know)

    Now I jus need to pick up the pieces n fight for custody for my two kids. He got no job and no savings. Been sitting on his ass for two years while I paid the bills. What a smart move for someone whose just about to hit rock bottom. I wont let him off at all on this one. He’s capable of doing anything

  • Hello Everyone,
    I’m so happy to find this forum. I really needed a place to vent tonight, and know that there are others out there who understand what I’m going through. Yeah, it amazes me as well that a great many of our stories seem so similar.
    My boyfriend and I started dating almost 4 years ago, and he’s been an alcoholic for probably the last three. It all started when he moved out of the house he was renting with some friends and his ex, and moved in with this guy he worked with. The new roommate seemed like a great guy on the surface, but there was definitely something that seemed a bit off. He was an extreme alcoholic. He would spend his money going on dates will all these girls that he met online, and would have to borrow money from my boyfriend to cover all of his bills. It went on and on. Somehow, my boyfriend just kept sticking up for him, enabling him, making excuses for him, etc. He never wants to see anyone as a bad person.
    My boyfriend and I dated and lived separately for two years before we decided to move in together. We didn’t want to rush into things like we both did with our exes. But, I should’ve seen it long before we actually moved in together. After a while, my boyfriend had fallen into the “if you can’t beat them, join them” with his alcoholic roommate. They drank every night, and sometimes my boyfriend would be so mean to me (verbally) that I would just cry my eyes out and threaten to leave on the nights I was staying over. We would eventually make up, and go to sleep.
    Now, I thought that everything would just go back to normal once he was moved away from this old roommate, but it hasn’t. He still drinks every night, but now, because he knows I don’t like him getting drunk every night. Occasionally it’s o.k., I would tell him. Friends coming over etc. So, he agreed to it. But, then he started hiding his bottles, 1/2 gallon containers, of whiskey in the garage along with cola cans everywhere. Of course, I was going to find him. If I feel that something is amiss, I’m going to start digging. I brought it to his attention. Let him know that I knew he was hiding his booze. I even tried telling him that if he needs to have a couple of drinks at night to calm himself down, fine. Just, PLEASE don’t hide it from me. When you hide things like that, it makes me wonder what ELSE you’re hiding from me! You lock your phone now, and I don’t. Of course, he offers to show me his phone, but that proves nothing. He can delete everything before I’m around him. I even got into his checking statements online and saw that he was spending money at the liquor store at least once every TWO DAYS!!
    Since then, I found Alcoholic’s Friend, purchased the program, and I’ve been really trying to follow the steps. I’ve been pretty good about being nice to him all the time. I always smile and say “I love you.” And, when he bold face lies to me about his drinking, I bite my tongue. (sometimes almost until it bleeds, but hey) I’m just having such a hard time not looking, and finding his stash, or constantly worrying what else he’s lying to me about. It just blows my mind. His boss loves him. He’s a really hard worker. He’s extremely smart. We’re both in school right now studying the same things though not in the same classes, and he’s earning better grades than me!! And I know it’s not because he’s smarter than me. It’s because my mind is split in a thousand different directions thinking about him, about school, about my work, about keeping up with the house, about my car, and on, and on. I just don’t have the time to go to Al Anon meetings, or I would be there in a heartbeat.
    Thank you for listening, everyone, and God bless.

  • Sharon

    I don’t understand this main post. Maybe you all are just a lot more loving than me, but why find ways to endure the long haul with an abusive, alcoholic spouse? I am currently questioning if my husband is following the family tendency toward alcoholism and after many years of marriage, can’t see standing by, keeping things normal for him, so that he can just continue to drink and get worse. Why would I do that? He is not particularly abusive, years ago I learned to avoid the land mines. So now, when he is mad, which he is tonight, the house is silent with the more preferable version of his anger- the passive aggressive cold shoulder.

  • Elaine

    Hi Sharon I would not say we are any more loving than you. Maybe you are stronger willed or just see things different. I can not speak for anyone else but for me it was the dream that he would return to the man that I first met which made me stick it out for the long haul. In between them acting like complete arses with the drink they also get moments of being human and treating you like you deserve. For me I clung to that. Pathetic as that might sound I know, nobody gets why I did it and will still get comments about deserving better. He is off the drink and hopefully for good this time. Hate to say although, that I do take that with a large pinch of salt.
    How long have you been with your partner? You say you have learned to avoid the mines and that he is mad tonight. Is this something that happens a lot? I hope that you are ok. I believe like most of us here that you feel the need to reach out which is what led you to this page. I do apologise if I have spoken out of turn. Take care, Elaine

  • Nellie

    Hi Sharon and Elaine!
    Last week, here in Queensland Australia, three women were murdered in broad daylight, in public places, by their abusive alcoholic intimate partner. Two of the three had leftt, taken domestic violence orders and tried to start a new life for themselves and their children. The funerals have been this week.
    These are dangerous, chemically dependant, ticking time bombs that we have been interacting with – it’s not just a matter of self rstreem getting bruised from cruel words.
    Get out (safely), stay out and stay away from all future intimate partner relationships with chemically dependant people. Your life and the life of your children depend on it.

  • Wow! Nellie some scary stuff! I think it proves and reminds us all that the A isnt in thier right minds when they do alchhol and other drugs…however as mentioned these things can and do eventually damage the brain…reminds me of artice on the dry alcoholic which I think mine was becoming more and more as time went on…turning more into Dr. Hyde…not my dreamhusband dr jekell lol….The incdents in Australia Nellie mentioned should make us on our guard and I think that Sharon is on her guard a lot as I was and we all are ..avoiding pushing buttons that make them go crazy…I remember I had hope as u Eleaine that my A would see the light..what a wonderful marriage we could have and would repent nad turn bk to his perfect self that I thought he was at times..I even still have that thought at times’what if he came back into my life and was truely repentant ,really meant it this time would I forgive and take him back?…but then I remember the times he made false promises to change but hid his poison..and eventually got to full speed ahead on his craziness again..I wish with all my heart that they could change..for all of us…however it wasnt my experience and Ive read the percentage isnt very high…of full recovery. The sad part is the brain damage(not to mention the effects on the body….another 6thing I identify with is lack of self esteem…I figth running myself down for doing things “stupid” and my A fulled me so well befroe marriage,promised me the moon….hid his real self….for a whole year before we married…then he turned into a monster I didnt know….Im now afraid….its been 2 years and I run from men…Ive hardly dated …then go into recluse mode….only to venture out for neccesities…I think its time I get help…I do have my faith ..God will never let us down…Im so greatful 4 that!..So it effects all involved with the A …I pray 4 u all still walking on eggshells..I know wehat u are going through…God bless!:)

  • Elaine

    Hi Nellie and Carollyn, good to hear from you. Your story is awful Nellie and yes we read or see such things happening in this world around us and it is terrifying. My heart goes out to all involved. As Carollyn says, your story truly shows how their minds can be affected and how unbalanced they can become due to being on some form of chemical whether it be drugs or alcohol, words can not express the damage that is done.
    I still wonder if my hope for all to be good again Carollyn is as false as the promices

  • Elaine

    my A has given, I have heard them so many times and have seen him come off the drink so so many times but I still hope that this, this might actually be the time. The percentage for them staying dry is not good at all as you say, I know it will only take one night of him drinking with his friends or family that he will be back on it. He can’t have the one night where he would drink, he wakes the next day and will have a few tins, then a few tins turns in to a few more then he back where he was at the start. He actually went to have a drink the other night then said no and put his lager away, it still sits in the kitchen and has not been touched. Strangely he has replaced the alcohol with fizzy juice and sweeties of all things, this appears to be his new addiction. The damage on the brain and body is awful, he recently was told from his Doctor that his liver enzymes are that of a man who has drank far longer than him and was told to stop before permanent damage was done. Maybe it was this that made him stop but I do not know as he admitted he asked the doctor if it was ok for him to still have 4 a day. I can not believe he said that and felt so angry at him for being so stupid and selfish but I never said anything to him. At that point I couldn’t care less as I’d had enough. I admit that I am unsure if we truly have anything left to salvage relationship wise, they push you that far away and the memory of all the hurt they have caused always seems to creep up which leaves you eventually reliant on nobody but yourself. It has made me so much stronger and meeting others through my work has also shown me what life can offer and how we deserve a lot more than we sometimes get with A’s. I hope all of you are ok out there, feels good to have a natter with you all. Stay safe and be strong.

  • Becky

    Bible verses? Really! I know I hurt. He has taken my every bit of will. My life. I hurt and I don’t want to go on. Why would God allow this to happen to me. I loved that man and only tried to help. I’ve lost everything and it makes me so very sad.

  • Nellie

    Hugs to you Becky. I hope you can sense the love surrounding you – we’ve all been where you are, some are still there, others have finally Let Go after decades of trying. There really is more to life than a man – he will be fine, and you need to be free to take cate of yourself. Love and hugs to you xoxo

  • Kristal

    Hello all, I am new to this. I have been in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic.We were best friends before we took our relationship to another level.Things haven’t always been real bad but also not great. The past 2 months have been the worst they have ever been. I am very familiar with alcoholism and drug addiction. I lost both of my parents when I was a teenager to alcoholism and drug addiction so this is very close to home for me. I have tried for years to help my boyfriend and at times I believe he wants to get better, but just can’t do it. He tries to stop drinking and does good and stays focused for about a week or so and then its back to drinking again and once he starts drinking there is no stopping him. It goes on for days and days at a time. His first drink is as soon as he wakes up in the morning. He has been in the hospital with pancreatitis a few times already. As soon as he is feeling just a little better he hits the bottle again. He has been in 2 car accidents since we have been together totaling both cars due to being under the influence.The last accident this summer was a mix of alcohol and drugs. The drug he was on was heroin. The car was totaled and he was unresponsive at the scene of the accident.Since all this has happened he now not only drinks but started using heroin on occasion. He won’t admit to the heroin use but I know. He has become a totally different person in the past two months that I don’t even recognize him when I look at him. When I question him all he does is flip it on me and verbally abuse me and put me down. I feel like I lost my boyfriend and best friend all in one day. We use to talk about everything and ever since all of this happen we don’t even talk anymore. I know letting go is what I have to do but it’s so hard to let go of someone you love so much and who has been part of your life for years. I am so exhausted from all this. The roller coaster ride. I don’t understand how he can treat me so horrible when I’m so good to him. Everyone has turned their back on him even his own family and I’m still here. Thank you for letting me share my story. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

  • Bill

    There’s a much better life to live than one where an alcoholic is being mean and abusive to me. Those days of being snarled at, disrespected and being someone’s verbal punching bag are gone forever in my life. I’ve been there and will never return.

    I tried to be the good guy and stick it out, hoping that the alcoholic/addict would eventually quit and life would be blissful and fun again. After three years of coping with the anger and abuse, I couldn’t take it anymore and ended the relationship.

    I couldn’t rescue her. I couldn’t help her. I left her about seventeen years ago and she is still on here destructive path…I’m glad I’ve had seventeen years of peace in my life instead of insanity.

    I’ll never again be someone’s doormat, NEVER!

  • SC

    Bill, I have a couple questions if you don’t mind…
    Have you had a healthy relationship with a non alcoholic since your split from your xa?
    Did you ever date someone for awhile that you realized was a high functioning alcholic?

  • C

    There are so many excellent posts here. Nellie: Three men have died in our community during the past month. One was 46, another 52 and the other about the same age. All alcoholics, some combined drugs with their drinking. All were single at the time of their deaths – all had been married to very nice women, who had enough and moved on.

    How many articles, warnings and hospital visits does it take to keep people from drinking themselves into alcoholism. It is like people who have all kinds of articles, recipes, etc. for dieting but they don’t lose weight! It is especially upsetting when a relative drinks, uses drugs or is obese and will not make life changes to live longer and better.

  • Trisha

    I Married My Childhood Friend, I Didn’t KnoW Until I Got Involved With Him That He Had A DWI On His Record And He Was Still Paying The Court Costs For Having One To Many As He put. He Would Only Have Two Beers And Switched Over To Two Glasses Of Wine When I Told Him The Beer Reminded Me Of My Abusive Alcoholic stepfather. It Wasn’t Until We We’re Married That I Learned How Much He Use To Drink And By His Own Words Said He Was Going Down An Alcoholic Road Before We Got Together. He Still Drinks His Two Glasses Of Wine When He Comes Home From Work To Unwind From A High Stressed Job, He’s Kind And Loving Toward Me, But I Know He Is Going To Have A Couple I_ Beers While Golfing And Afraid He Is Going To Have One To Many And Get Another Dwi.And It Affect Our Finances. I Don’t Know If I Am Over Reacting Because Of My Stepfather, Or If I Have A Real Reason To Be Concerned. I Guess I Don’t Trust His Judgment And End Up Going Into Mother Mode By Reminding Him Of His Dwi Before He Goes Golfing.

  • Gary

    I’m still learning about addiction. I by accident fell in love with a lovely woman who was an addict. I have no substance abuses in my life nor am I an alcoholic. I love and am happy with how I think and who I am. But I truly loved this woman. I knew she drank more than I was used to. I knew she occasionally liked to smoke weed and although I was not into these things I allowed myself to get involved with her. She found her way into my life and home and for six months I lived the life of being on a weekly roller coaster. She had some younger guy friends that worked under her. She always called them her “boys”. These guys where my sons age and 10 years younger than herself. Well I happened to see one day a text from one of her “boys” and then I learned she had been sleeping with him. I confronted her about it and she stopped for some while. Then shortly after that she went on a business trip. She got drunk and slept with a married man there. A friend at the event called to tell me. I was amazed. She came back as if nothing happened. I then asked her to go to counseling after confronting her. She agreed. One day after counsel she came to me wanting a “fresh start”. Two days later she was spending the night with her girlfriend in another town about 30 miles away. She usually text me good night around midnight. But not that night. I had a strange feeling about her being out so I decided to take a drive. I went to her friends house and they had just arrived back…. with two guys from a college bar who spent the night with them. I did not confront but just left in shock. The next day when she arrived at my house I waited a day for her to tell me what happened. She never did. So I confronted her and told her what I did and saw. She darted out of my home never too return. This is a woman who drinks about 6 to 10 shots of vodka on a night out. Apparently she lived this life long before I met her. I am a very strong person but this was devastating. I could not comprehend how a person could live like this and treat me with total disregard. This is not normal. This woman would tell people she “finally found the man she wanted to marry” i.e. me. This woman made good money and functioned normally at work but away from work she was a disaster. She drug me to emotional lows I’ve never experienced before. I never had any experience with an alcoholic in my life until this arrived. She then lost her job sleeping with that young co-worker who is also an alcoholic and of coarse it was my fault she lost her job because I reported her. I was angry at all the betrayals and lies and deceit. I was angry how she could live this way while living with me. I was angry at her and took everything she did personally. She is a die hard alcoholic. The day she was suspended on her job for sleeping with a coworker she ran to her coworkers house. Then when her young coworker didn’t want to sleep with her one night she got drunk and angry and got a second dui on her rage home. Alcohol has caused her to lose her Job, her lover, car, her drivers license her home with me. She went to 30 days intensive inpatient care for treatment and as soon as she got out she zoomed back to her young co=workers home or her “boy” to have sex with him and he had already found himself a new woman. She got drunk and angry and taken off again to find her another sucker. Here is what I am trying to say in all of this. I did not understand alcoholism then but I have a greater understanding now. I have read multiple books and articles. I understand the different theories and models used today. I have a grasp of the AA model and the “its a choice model”. I am still learning about alcoholism to this day. It’s been about two years ago this happened to me. Why am I still learning about alcoholics and addicts? Because It had a profound impact on my life. It rocked my world. I could not comprehend how anyone could behave like this. I had to gain understanding. I just could not sit there so I began learning. Had I known what I know today that most alcoholics are lairs , live in denial, self seeking, adolescent thinking, unfaithful, have other addictions, have rage, I would have never allowed myself to get close to one. I am at the point that I believe only an alcoholic should have a relationship with an alcoholic, they deserve each other. I believe that an alcoholic has taken a path to self destruction but they can’t go alone so they take others with them. I am under the belief that even an alcoholic in recovery is not worthy of someone that is non alcoholic. They relapse, they are needy, they must have that drink or drug over any other love in their life. Why should anyone waste their time and money and affections on these miserable individuals? Do I sound harsh, cruel, unloving? Maybe, but for good reason. You can’t change them period. You will ruin your own life in hopes of changing them. That is why I say love yourself first, in a good way of coarse. You can love the old miserable unfaithful, lying, selfish alcoholic from a distance. A far away distance where when they hit the bottom they can’t reach you for help to buy another fix. Don’t worry, they rarely hit bottom. Some hit bottom when they run out of money to buy their drug of choice. Some hit rock bottom on the death of family member or the death of some child riding in the car they slaughtered driving drunk. They will either kill themselves or someone else. If they don’t they will make you wish you where dead. But one thing is sure to be, that addiction, that thing will always be first over you. Save yourself from all of this misery. Are you co-dependent? Find an non drinker non drug addict to take care of. There are plenty of others who will love you back. Do you think I’m a mean person? I hope not. I’ve given thousands to this woman after she lost everything to help get her back on her feet only to learn …. yep she is still drinking and smoking. Listen and learn from me. You are absolutely wasting your precious time. I’ve lost two years of my life over this person. Run from the addict, you are just an object to them.

  • Nellie

    Love and respect to you Gary! Everything you advise is spot on.
    My addiction is to addicts – every one within a 500 km radius, I will find them!
    When I was in my 20s, the results of their addiction were not so evident – everybody
    was young, having fun, drinking, living the life. Yet somehow, 90% of people moved
    on and grew up. The 10% who stayed true to their partying progressed to more
    extreme drinking. Now in my 40’s , those same people look 20 years older, and exactly
    as you said, there is no change. My ex- brother-in-law died two months ago. He was
    48. They said his body looked like he was 98. Multi-organ failure. And because he had
    spent most of his life being a monster, no one really mourned. Sad, but true.
    Thank you for reminding me that Freedom and looking after myself is an absolutely ok
    I hope your broken-heart can heal 🙂

  • Lord Lion-O

    I found your article to be very enlightening and useful. My wife of 18 years has become a angry alcoholic. Everything in the article describes her behavior and it’s ruining our life. Their is no room for intimacy because she sits up mad and ranting about nothing. The only way I get through is by ignoring her I will us my Ipad with Xfinity or Netflicks with my head phones on, but this sucks it’s no quality of life. I tell her after she sobers up that her behavior is horrible and that she needs help. She denies that she has a problem and tries to put the issues off on me. I hate this because it’s like a cycle I see my mom and my dads relationship in ours. My dad was a angry alcoholic and addict. He was abusive to everyone in his path. I don’t drink because of the trauma I experienced growing up and now here I am as an adult in the same situation.

  • Sid

    My friend is an alcoholic. However, each time he is enough with his drinking he would go to the poker place. Is there any connection with being an alcoholic and playing poker or just hang out at the place?

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