This is a guest post. His story about the woman he married sounds all too familiar. There are many similarities to the relationship I had with my wife who had a drinking problem. Although all of our stories are different, they have common threads that reveal that alcoholism is destroying peoples lives. I have included a few comments at the end of the article. Please feel free to share your experience, strength and hope with this gentleman as well.
Hi There, I was happily married to A Japanese girl for 20 years -sadly, I lost her to cancer 5 years ago and I thought my life was over. Then, a year ago, I met a very bubbly, beautiful & intelligent girl from Thailand and, to my surprise, we fell in love. We married and then my life turned into a ……nightmare!
I had no experience of alcoholism. I am an artist, I play piano, and like antique restoration – being creative comes very naturally. My wife is the very opposite. She has a drinking problem and doesn’t take any interest in anything other than partying, which she kept well hidden before we married. However, if I had had more experience I might have recognised the signs.
The marriege started out really good, but she started drinking very heavily day after day. Then, she’ll started saying that I’m a very manipulative person and I want to control her. She started huge fights, walked out the door and vanised into the night – this is a cycle. She proceeds to pawn her wedding ring and jewelry and go on a bender for days. I’m at home worried out of my life in case she is in a road accident or something. She will get together with other drunks, drink all the money away and borrow money from everyone. Then, days later, I get a phone call, she wants to “talk”, I end up paying off all the money she has borrowed, I get the jewelry out of the pawn shop and she promises to reform herself, go back to college, have a baby, etc.
For two weeks it’s back to matramonial bliss, then she starts drinking more and more each day until she goes crazy again – suggests I hand over my life savings, buy her a house in her name, support her whole worthless Thai family, and that I’m trying to manipulate and control her!!! Me! Manipulative – it’s her! I never heard my first wife ever say such a thing.
My first wife was disinterested in money, my present wife is constantly demanding money, money, money which I’m loath to give because she goes out and burns it. God help me if I dare ask what happened to it when she returns home with only a few pennies in the bottom of her purse.
The girl I married has a drinking problem which she kept very well hidden. But, after we married the mask came off. She was paraletic the night before our honeymoon, she was aggresive, manipulative and I must never say “No!” to her demands. If I do, it’s a fight, she walks out, pawns her wedding ring, goes on a binge and is gone for days. Then I get a phone call, and she says she will try again. I HAVE PUT UP WITH THIS FOR 10 MONTHS!
Today, it started all over again. I begin to wonder how to get out of this marriage without being taken to the cleaners. Even Thai people have said that if I don’t get rid of this manipulative person she bankrupt me in 5 years.
I love this girl because when she is nice she is really nice. But I can’t help thinking that she is using me and everyone around her. She’s very lazy, lathargic and although we live in a fantastic home full of antiques and works of art, she has only one real interest – drinking and partying with her worthless friends. They know she is married to a European and has money. They get her to pay for all the booze and when she is broke they make suggestions such as “Sign this piece of paper saying you owe me 2 Million Baht. Then we go to your husband and say that as he is married to you, so he is responsible for this debt – pay up or else!” My wife actually told me this after we got back together the last time. However, if I drop her she will come up with one of these types of ripp-offs, I’m sure. She says “Divorce” all the time! She, of course, wants a huge pay-off so she can, you guessed it, drink and party with her friends with the money.
I have tried to get her back to school to finish her degree, but she lasted 2 weeks and dropped out again. She talks of having a baby and returning to college but it’s all bullshit. A very manipulative personality who is capable of anything.
I actually found her in a bar at 1 AM lifting her skirt and trying to attact two English guys. She had run out of money and hoped to attract them over so they would buy her drinks. I watch from the shaddows and was very hurt. When I eventually got her home she denied that this happened – it was my “immagination”. This is the tip of the iceburg – I later found out that she had worked as a prostitute for 2 months in a bar, which enabled her to drink and drink and drink. Alcoholics seem to lose their pride very early in their drinking lives.
I’m at a loss as I still love this girl. But there seems to be a lifetime of drinking and reforming, then drinking again and reforming…with no end in sight. What can I do? I’m at my wits end as this is very new to me comming from a family that never used alcohol. Any suggestions…anyone?
Thanks for sharing with us about your experience with an alcoholic spouse. There are many things that came to my mind as I read through your explanation. I learned early on in alcoholism support group meetings that I didn’t cause the alcoholic to drink, I could not control their drinking and I couldn’t cure my wife’s drinking problem.
We have many articles here that can offer help for your situation. One that comes to mind is called Frustrated With An Alcoholic. The coping with alcoholics audio series is close to three hours worth of wisdom on how to live with and love someone who has a drinking problem. The fact that you are reaching out for help is a good sign. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Today you can begin to make changes to protect yourself from the effects of this devastating illness.
To the gentleman who was married to the Japanese girl and lost her to cancer after 20 years. I lost my first wife after 25 years of marriage to another man/men and lifestyle. I was so thankful that I didn’t have a resentment against women in genera, and married a wonderful woman five years later. While at first we could enjoy a bottle of wine ay dinner, after a year or so I found that she was taking pain medication to excess and the drinking would not stop at a couple of glasses at dinner. This woman I still love slowly revealed that she had a problem with alcohol. I found it difficult to find help at first due to the fact we lived in a rather small community, in which we were both well known. We seldom fought but the two glasses of wine turned into two bottles. After many tearful sessions and a fair bit of counseling, she confirmed that she indeed was an alcoholic. This revelation changed back and forth between admittance and denial. I ended up not talking to her after the first two glasses as she turned into a different person. We lived apart together if you understand for about two years with me offering countless resolutions to our problem. In the end we came to the mutual agreement that we could no longer live together under the circumstances. Financially it has become difficult as I am on a fixed pension while she maintains a professional career. While I never wanted to give an ultimatum, it was obvious that it would come down to exactly that. She tried for a few weeks but then started back. I love the woman dearly and she thinks very highly of me. We do see each other socially now and I refuse to pour her wine or other alcohol. While she readily admits there is a problem with alcohol, she can find a myriad of other reasons not to discuss the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Her family have either stopped associating with her or the matter is not discussed. We have lost so much and wiped out any future for us as a couple. We are now legally separated and unless the drinking stopped we will not be together. Like the gentleman before me, the situation is so much more difficult when you experience wonderful times together periodically.
My only advice which I have to constantly remind myself of is that I have a life to live, love, and enjoy ergo I must move on. Good Luck my friend.
I can feel your pain and dilema in decision.
I feel you should give one last try before giving up,and that is relocate with your wife to a far off place.If she accepts,she is with you,if not,atleast your mind will be at peace that you have tried your best to change her,and then let go.
You have a life to live,be happy and help others who really need it and appreciate your help.
I pray that God gives you the wisdom and strength to take the right decision and lead a good happy life.
It sounds like you were smitten and seduced by a much younger attractive woman. It sounds like she pounced on the opportunity to secure financial stability by marrying you.
This gal sounds deeply dysfunctional with a history of prostitution/promiscuity (you could get HIV from her!!) and very likely a SOCIOPATH. She sounds like she could have with a BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER with the lies, crazymaking, and extreme manipulation.
My only advice would be to run like hell and don’t look back. Her good looks will fade in time and she sounds like she would dump you if someone better came along. So cut your losses now and run like hell from her! She sounds like a gigantic trainwreck and guess who will be stuck sifting through the wreckage? You!
In your situation. You married the wrong woman. She notice your were going to easily fall for her lies. Only 10 months in a marriage and already doing you wrong. She had this planned. Its not your fault. Cut the string and begin your life without her.
Listen to Chloe. Get away from her. I was in relationship with a younger woman. As we got deeper into our relationship the drinking began to rear it’s ugly head. My money and medications started to disappear. Then I started to find the empty bottles around the house. You think things are bad now. Just wait and see what is next. It will get worse! When she takes off the next time change your phone number. And do not go after her. You need to call her bluff. It worked for me. I was able to get her out of my head because of this site. Keep coming back to this site. You will get solid support from us that are here. Find a support group and a lawyer. You need to get your affairs in order before she drains you. Good luck! And I wish you well.