This is a guest post. His story about the woman he married sounds all too familiar. There are many similarities to the relationship I had with my wife who had a drinking problem. Although all of our stories are different, they have common threads that reveal that alcoholism is destroying peoples lives. I have included a few comments at the end of the article. Please feel free to share your experience, strength and hope with this gentleman as well.
Hi There, I was happily married to A Japanese girl for 20 years -sadly, I lost her to cancer 5 years ago and I thought my life was over. Then, a year ago, I met a very bubbly, beautiful & intelligent girl from Thailand and, to my surprise, we fell in love. We married and then my life turned into a ……nightmare!
I had no experience of alcoholism. I am an artist, I play piano, and like antique restoration – being creative comes very naturally. My wife is the very opposite. She has a drinking problem and doesn’t take any interest in anything other than partying, which she kept well hidden before we married. However, if I had had more experience I might have recognised the signs.
The marriege started out really good, but she started drinking very heavily day after day. Then, she’ll started saying that I’m a very manipulative person and I want to control her. She started huge fights, walked out the door and vanised into the night – this is a cycle. She proceeds to pawn her wedding ring and jewelry and go on a bender for days. I’m at home worried out of my life in case she is in a road accident or something. She will get together with other drunks, drink all the money away and borrow money from everyone. Then, days later, I get a phone call, she wants to “talk”, I end up paying off all the money she has borrowed, I get the jewelry out of the pawn shop and she promises to reform herself, go back to college, have a baby, etc.
For two weeks it’s back to matramonial bliss, then she starts drinking more and more each day until she goes crazy again – suggests I hand over my life savings, buy her a house in her name, support her whole worthless Thai family, and that I’m trying to manipulate and control her!!! Me! Manipulative – it’s her! I never heard my first wife ever say such a thing.
My first wife was disinterested in money, my present wife is constantly demanding money, money, money which I’m loath to give because she goes out and burns it. God help me if I dare ask what happened to it when she returns home with only a few pennies in the bottom of her purse.
The girl I married has a drinking problem which she kept very well hidden. But, after we married the mask came off. She was paraletic the night before our honeymoon, she was aggresive, manipulative and I must never say “No!” to her demands. If I do, it’s a fight, she walks out, pawns her wedding ring, goes on a binge and is gone for days. Then I get a phone call, and she says she will try again. I HAVE PUT UP WITH THIS FOR 10 MONTHS!
Today, it started all over again. I begin to wonder how to get out of this marriage without being taken to the cleaners. Even Thai people have said that if I don’t get rid of this manipulative person she bankrupt me in 5 years.
I love this girl because when she is nice she is really nice. But I can’t help thinking that she is using me and everyone around her. She’s very lazy, lathargic and although we live in a fantastic home full of antiques and works of art, she has only one real interest – drinking and partying with her worthless friends. They know she is married to a European and has money. They get her to pay for all the booze and when she is broke they make suggestions such as “Sign this piece of paper saying you owe me 2 Million Baht. Then we go to your husband and say that as he is married to you, so he is responsible for this debt – pay up or else!” My wife actually told me this after we got back together the last time. However, if I drop her she will come up with one of these types of ripp-offs, I’m sure. She says “Divorce” all the time! She, of course, wants a huge pay-off so she can, you guessed it, drink and party with her friends with the money.
I have tried to get her back to school to finish her degree, but she lasted 2 weeks and dropped out again. She talks of having a baby and returning to college but it’s all bullshit. A very manipulative personality who is capable of anything.
I actually found her in a bar at 1 AM lifting her skirt and trying to attact two English guys. She had run out of money and hoped to attract them over so they would buy her drinks. I watch from the shaddows and was very hurt. When I eventually got her home she denied that this happened – it was my “immagination”. This is the tip of the iceburg – I later found out that she had worked as a prostitute for 2 months in a bar, which enabled her to drink and drink and drink. Alcoholics seem to lose their pride very early in their drinking lives.
I’m at a loss as I still love this girl. But there seems to be a lifetime of drinking and reforming, then drinking again and reforming…with no end in sight. What can I do? I’m at my wits end as this is very new to me comming from a family that never used alcohol. Any suggestions…anyone?
Thanks for sharing with us about your experience with an alcoholic spouse. There are many things that came to my mind as I read through your explanation. I learned early on in alcoholism support group meetings that I didn’t cause the alcoholic to drink, I could not control their drinking and I couldn’t cure my wife’s drinking problem.
We have many articles here that can offer help for your situation. One that comes to mind is called Frustrated With An Alcoholic. The coping with alcoholics audio series is close to three hours worth of wisdom on how to live with and love someone who has a drinking problem. The fact that you are reaching out for help is a good sign. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Today you can begin to make changes to protect yourself from the effects of this devastating illness.