The longer we live with someone abusing alcohol, we become totally frustrated with their behaviors. Living with an alcoholic is too much for us and we need help. We reach the point where we don’t want to divorce an addicted spouse, but at the same time our frustrations cause us to want to just hit them. Realizing that neither of these options will work, we end up emotionally exhausted trying everything we can think of consciously or unconsciously.
I know well what it is like to want to leave someone and at the same time you love them so much that you cannot. I know what it’s like to have plans canceled, families being destroyed and the fear that accompanies late nights when the alcoholic is out on the town. I am totally aware of the obsession of worrying about an alcoholic.
Through my experiences and by attending support group meetings, I have learned how to overcome focusing on the alcoholic all of the time.
I can help, just continue reading, please.
I can give you solid information that will be very beneficial to you. You will find on this website hundreds of articles with great tips. If you can just get one thing to help you get through the day, everyday, you will win this troublesome battle.
So, make sure that you are not in huge hurry to go to another site because I have over forty eight years of experience in dealing with the problem of alcoholism in family members, friends, co-workers and even strangers.
If your frustrated with an alcoholic, follow these steps:
1) Get to an Al-anon group or other support group meeting right away. Don’t delay in finding local help in your community for the situation that you are dealing with. Remember this one thing, without help alcoholism is just too much for us to deal with on our own. We become lonely and frustrated without even knowing it. This is the honest to goodness truth. If you were not really frustrated with the situation, you would not be reading this right now.
Alcoholics continually leave us emotionally abandoned.
2) Stop confronting them when they are lying. A lying alcoholic will not tell the truth no matter how hard you try to get them to. They will stand right in front of you, drunk -as-a-skunk and deny having a drink.
3) Refuse to argue with someone who’s been drinking alcohol. Remember that it takes two to argue and if you choose not to, then I guarantee you that you will be less frustrated with the situation.
4) Get your focus off of what they are doing all the time and enjoy life. They have a way of consuming our thoughts if we let them. SO, DON’T LET THEM!
Now, you may be thinking that I don’t understand your situation because the things I’ve suggested seem ridiculous. Oh really? Well, then tell me what it is that you have been doing that works. I’d love to hear from you in the comment section below.
The truth of the matter is that the things that you’ve been doing are not working. If they were you wouldn’t be reading this article about being totally frustrated with the problem drinker in your life.
If you don’t do any of the suggestions, please just get to a support group meeting soon.
My husband has been an alcoholic for over 4 years. We have 3 kids, ages 9-12 that hes been verbally abusive to in the past as well as to me, and yells at me in front of them still. Yet the kids adore him. They also respect me less because of how he treats me. He has been to AA at my insistance, but doesn’t like it because some people come drunk. (Very judgemental). I constantly find bottles even though he insists he stopped each time. I’m so sick of the lies. I have been to Al-anon and know I need to go back. I thought we are supposed to tell them when we know they are drinking, and when we find their “stash”. Any suggestions?
The things you write make sense. I have been so frustrated with all of the lies that my alcoholic husband tells. He is in total denial about his drinking problem. I think that frustrates me the most. He cannot see how I am slowly drifting away because he leaves me emotional starved for intimacy and friendship.
I read in one of your articles about how alcoholics are in love with the bottle more than they are with us. That really hit home with me. There are so many things I am unsure of about my marriage.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He admitted he had a
drinking problem right after we were married. He went to rehab and has
been to meetings. Nothing seems to help. I know he has to want it but
with a special needs child, myself who is sick, and he is fighting any
help offered to him. I love him with all my heart but I am so
frustrated with the whole situation. He is drinking and working, and
driving with our son in the car. It is so dangerous but he needs to
understand what he is really doing to not only himself but his family
also! HELP…. please!
Totally frustrated and worn out with my alcoholic bf. he got me away from my alcoholic partner 8 years ago just by being a mate and helping. I walked away and kept away because I promised my son I would. 8 years later, I’m still with my savior who turns out to be an alcoholic !!!
We will go for months where it’s perfect, going out loads and spending most nights together and making all sorts of plans and it’s comfy. Then all of a sudden he does something like ignores me for a day and I go crazy and we don’t speak for a couple of weeks and all plans get cancelled then one of us initiates our getting back together. This is how it’s always been, and I suspected for years he was drinking way more than he said. Now I know he is and he doesn’t try to hide it anymore.
I find the worst thing is him ignoring me and he knows I get crazy I don’t know why he does it.
I started AL-anon a few weeks ago and he’s been worse than ever before, keeping away from me, refusing to stay over and has become unavailable a lot of the time. We’ll have a great couple of weeks then he’s too moody to be around. Is he lying when he says he loves me, I think that’s the reason I stay, I’m terrified of being alone and a sad.
I’m trying so hard to detach I just can’t seem able to I’m besotted with this Jekyll and Hyde man.
He’s over 6ft and heavy set and drinks strong lager from waking until bed. He works most days and drinks there too cos I meet him for lunch. I know I’m an idiot who needs a kick up the backside I seem to have no willpower where he’s concerned.
He’s the most caring generous man one minute and the next is an abusive pig 🙂
He’s very good looking and I’m terrified he’ll get someone else, do u think this is the attraction ?
Thank you for this site it’s great and I realize I need a few home truths so please someone give me a good telling off 🙂
Suzanne, no one on this site is going to condemn you for being in love with this man.
Here are a few good articles:
Tensions Associated With Interacting With Alcoholics
Alcoholic Breaking Plans
How To Be Happy With An Alcoholic
Living With An Angry Alcoholic
Wow, I’m shocked. I see myself in Suzanne but that was last year. Suzanne, I was you at one time. And I say wow not because I think low of you at all, but because at one time I felt that low about myself. My EX alcoholic, ex as in 4 days ago, which I will get too, went to jail for nearly killing me last year with the severe beaten he gave me. Nothing gets better! The problem is we stay because of hope..hope they will change, hope because of the “good times”, which are few but we hold onto ..out of jail, and what, I took him back with promises of he’s changed. In the time he was in jail, I went to intense counseling, so by the time he got out I was stronger..and I was. In that time though I built myself esteem, which you need to seriously do too…see they beat us down, so don’t count on him to pick you up…do it yourself. Anyways, he got out, I took him back..things were great..I say great! Until I saw the signs…then I decided this was it, I was done. Long story short, march 11 I threw him out, stopped enabling, no matter how much he begged I wouldn’t let him back in, four days ago he broke into my house and nearly killed me. Why?? Cause I took back control of my life! He couldn’t control it with his sociopath ways…he doesn’t love you…he doesn’t care. He only cares about his addiction. Yes it hurts I know but get out..You went backwards and now its time to move forward..your not alone…God says he will never leave nor forsake you, this I know…He showed me four days ago. Much love to you and hugs to all.
Btw JC I love this site, have read just about everything in the last two years, tried your suggestions and yes they worked , as hard as they were to do… I wish I had taken back my life then! Your advice can’t get any better! It feels even better when no means no and so what if they don’t like it and leave!
Angie, my advice, the way he treats you in front of your children..they one day will treat another man/woman…they have no respect for you now? Well if you want them too then pack them up , leave and get counseling for ALL of you. I know easier said then done, but we make as many excuses for ourselves as the addict does for themselves .
Hi and thank you so much for your comments which I know are true. You see I did get better I started alanon packed in my 50 a day smoking, caffeine addiction and became a completely different detached person, we got on great for a while he was back to his loving self and then disappeared so has sent me back to where I was. He seems to be isolating himself now and is starting to look a bit scruffy so I think his drinking is actually now getting worse. I read so much on alcoholism and the worrying about him on his own won’t go away he’s pushing everyone away from him. I really think I’m feeling this bad again because I’ve missed 2 Al-anon meetings and can’t wait to go.
U seem so strong I think it’s great having ur attitude after what you’ve been through and I pray I will be like you thank you 🙂 x
Kelly, your story really hit home with me. Alcoholics do beat us down. You are so right on by encouraging us to find ways of building our self esteem. It was a slow and lengthy process for me to learn how to not let the mean things the alcoholic says affect me. Like you Kelly, I got strong enough to say: “I’m done.” I also can testify of God’s goodness in the midst of being delivered from a very abusive situation.
Protection From The Alcoholic Treating Me Like A Doormat
Does The Alcoholic Make You Feel Worthless
Suzanne…thank you. I find myself strong BUT I will not even try to fool you…I allow myself to mourn..hmm that’s the only word I can find to describe my feelings. I leave work at 445 and in the 15 mins it takes me to get home is the ONLY time I allow myself to cry and scream. The rest of the time I’m strong for my kids. You will eventually get to a point when you realize why should you worry about him? He wasn’t too worried about how you felt when he disappeared, or passed out drunk, or broke a promise or told lies like it was the river Jordan flowing out to sea, you know what I mean? And don’t think for one second he doesn’t know what he’s doing…its all a control thing. See I never went to alanon meetings, and I could tell you a hundred excuses why but plainly I didn’t want to. I was with my EX 3 years, I don’t know how anyone lives with that much chaos in their lives for decades more than I did. Though I guess not all addicts are violent but the loneliness, the bitterness that encompasses, the lost feeling most partners feel, specially those who never learn to detach, miss out on what they truly deserve from someone whom they deserve, and if my story makes one man or woman see beyond what an addict can only offer, which is way less than they deserve then I can move on in my life. Not sure if those are the right words but not sure how else to put it.
Ok JC question…what in the heck do I do with my time now?? Wow..no stress, no babysitting a drunk, no broken plans that revolved around his next drink…I’m full of life finally and have clue what to do?? Lol…maybe this is Gods way of saying this is how it should be…no clue….
Thanx again Kelly.
Yes I feel like I’m in mourning too!!
Something took my soul mate away and left an uncaring selfish bloke I don’t know.
It’s alcohol and I hate it but it’s his choice, or not, I don’t know anymore.
I don’t miss the way he is now I miss the past, the loving hugs, long talks, laughs and days out in the sun 🙂
Those days are never coming back and I have to move on and try find and love someone else.
Reading a lot about this, even if he got sober he would still be miserable a lot of the time apparently. So no point waiting anymore.
I just want him to know he still has a friend I really want him to know that can I please have ur opinion on this one JC 🙂 x
I am in a similar position. Bf of 3 years I am trying to detach from but stay a friend to, as his alcoholism has left him penniless and homeless. My concern and love for him confuse him as I have no doubt that he loves me and wants to reconcile, but on his terms, which means no change on his part. I want to plan my future, go out and do things, go places. It is not possible unless I support us both and I don’t plan on being that stupid! I can”t cut him out of my life though, but is it easier for him if I did?
I’m sitting here crying as I write this. I’m from Australia, knowing that you are all from America, I see my life in all of you. It has got to the point that I am the agressor, because I am so frustrated with my husband, who cannot see how his alcoholism affects me, my boys (who are grown men), their partners, and my friends. He no longer has any friends, and he thinks this is normal.
I have tried the reasoning and pleading idea, I have even shown him photos of himself, but he will never admit he has a problem. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol to the point where you fall down is not a problem. After I have lashed out (physically, this includes punching, stabbing him with a nail file, even though a knife is very tempting), given him the silent treatment, driven away to try and console myself, and many attempts to just move away from him, he will follow me and make a point of saying that he forgives me. I am so emotionally drained and I have even contemplated suicide as my only way out.
I am desperately trying to save enough money to be able to walk away forever, as he refuses to leave. I contacted AA, funnily enough to try and sign up my husband, how naive I was, they said that because I am the one who has identified the problem I am the one who must attend. In my own silly train of thought, I found this very confronting and never attended.
After reading the postings here, it is obvious that I am the one who needs to attend. I can’t believe how many people are affected by the actions of others. As sad as this sounds, I am so glad that I am not alone.