How Does Alcoholism Effect Sex Drive

angry womanGuest Post By Mr. B:
Hi everyone, I have a burning question regarding alcoholism and sex drive. My wife is a late stage alcoholic, meaning she has been at this for 30 years or so . She started at a young age. When we were dating she talked about all the great sex we would have once we get married- she professed to be a Christian and that she was waiting for marriage because sex has destroyed all her other relationships. Once we got married, there was absolutely NO sex, NO intimacy.

She is a beautiful woman and  I have always been very handsome from what I have been told. Nonetheless, once we were married, she would push me away and make statements like “I have been with so many  guys, I’ve already done everything… it’s not you it’s me.”

I’ve been researching and it seems like alcoholism, especially late stage alcoholism, can severely effect sex drive, and I think this is the heart of the matter. It seems like from my readings that these people can only get excited by bizarre behavior like stranger sex or making out in restaurants etc…. I am beginning to see that the only true statement she made was “it’s not you, it’s me.”

She has had many long term partners cheat on her and it’s the same reason with all of them, “he did it because I wouldn’t sleep with him… gross, I wasn’t attracted to him”.

So has anyone else had problems with sexual intimacy with the alcoholic?

At this point, it doesn’t even matter, as I am not attracted to her any longer and I am working my plans for divorce. Nonetheless, I still need validation that I am indeed not the problem.

12 comments to How Does Alcoholism Effect Sex Drive

  • Karen

    You mention several things that could be problematic, but the simple answer to your question is yes. When intoxicated to the level of what most alcoholics get daily, there aren’t many things they are interested in except going to the refrigerator. Apparently it’s difficult for them to consider the wants and needs of others, no matter who that person happens to be. Sometimes it’s a child that needs the alcoholic at a school performance, ballgame, etc.; it could be many things that the rest of us would deem important.

  • John

    Oftentimes the alcoholism would work in a positive way at least from a guys perspective. I think my ex-wife used to feel guilty for abandoning me when she would stay out and party. On many occasions she would come home late and be all over me. I think it was her way of trying to smooth things over or make things right. The crazy thing is that if I was upset it did smooth things over, go figure.

    Eventually as her drug use and alcohol consumption increased-the sexual encounters decreased. I think the deterioration happened because as she got worse there was no intimate connection on any level. We had grown so far away from being best friends that making love was just having sex.

    Her mood swings were so unbelievable. One moment she would he all loving and the next rather abusive. I guess the alcoholic personality filters through into every area of the relationship. During the last six months of us being together not much of anything was enjoyable for either of us.

    Alcoholism is such a confusing mess!

  • Karens

    to the monitor,

    No, my comments were not spam. The issue was presented
    delicately. Tell the truth and the truth will set you
    free. I feel better, thankyou for your comment. Perhaps
    you missed the whole point.

  • JC

    Karens, not sure what you are referring to?
    We have an automated system that monitors comments.
    Perhaps it didn’t let you post something?

    Anyway, your participation here is greatly appreciated!

  • Rick

    I have been married for 20 years to my alcoholic wife. 3 years ago she quit, cold turkey after drinking most of her life. In the last three years i think we have been intimate 3 times. Not once this year. She says in our therapy, that she is just not ready for that. She doesn’t have her “medication/drink” to deal with her underlying issues, so she is completely self absorbed and has nothing to give, especially to me, since i am the root of her failed life. She says she thought i could save her..Looks like the only thing left i can do, if i want to share my life with someone who can give and receive, is to leave. I really do not want to do that, but i don’t know how much longer i can live like this. WE have a pretent marriage its really just a “room mate” relationship.

  • Sandy

    Well the only thing I can offer is that my circumstances with my AH when he was drinking (now in recovery) when he was drinking he wanted sex all the time, I think it was due to his insecurity, but I had set a boundary that I would not be intimate with him if he was drunk, so he’d get drunk then get abusive when I’d refuse to sleep with him . . now that he’s sober things are going better in this area and I’m finally starting to feel attracted to him again sexuarlly, when he was drunk he repulsed me ugggg to be honest, to me what your wife is saying to you all just sound like a bunch of alcoholic excuses . . . only she knows the real reason unfortunately . . good luck . .

  • Karen

    If you really don’t want a divorce, let me share this slogan that’s taped in front of my computer, I think I got it from an Al Anon meeting.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
    The courage to change the one I can;
    And the wisdom to know that person is me.”

    I’ve been with my alcoholic husband for 17 years and I can fully relate to about everything I read in the posts here. About 3 years ago, I admitted to myself that I had some responsibility in how things were going in my home. I thought my anger was nicely hidden, it wasn’t. I faced the reality of my situation and decided that I could improve myself and be kinder more often. And guess what? It worked–well most of the time. I’m far happier than when I judged and juried him as the bad one. Mind you, I think I’m a pretty nice person to begin with! I do get lonely, he is an alcoholic after all. But our relationship is far better these days and he drinks as much as he ever did. I changed. Good luck.

  • Debbi

    I actually read somewhere that alcohol increases the desire for sex but at the same time inhibits the ability & performance.

    I found that to be true with mine–he always talked about it but without “the little blue pill” it would not occur.

    Don’t know if that helps you or not since it is your wife but I believe the first sip you get an increase in sexual desire but after more alcohol is consumed they get tired & unable to complete as is the case with so many other things in their lives.

  • D.G.

    Hi everyone…I would like to thank the gal that had posted about a couple of books she read. “Getting them sober” and “Everything changes” help for families of newly recovering alcoholics” they are both excellent books. I haven’t quite finished the second one but the information in these books has been very helpful to me. I would recommend them to anyone one has an alcoholic in there life. Take care.

  • Nombasa

    Hi,alcoholism is a very confusing disease. My ex boyfriend had an increased desire that I would ask myself where it came from.

  • Sandy

    Hi D.G. – not sure if I’m the only one that posted about those books, but I know I’m one of them that did . . and yes I thought they were excellent, my husband relapsed last week and I immediately picked up the “Everything Changes” book and read the chapter on Relapse and it totally helped me get through it without the whole thing turning into an awful argument and mess . . I’m so glad they have been of help to you . . that pleases me very much . .

  • Jim

    I am married to a very pretty woman. Her alcoholism
    has progressed over the years. Her personality
    and demeanor change the drunker she gets. She often
    gets very sloppy drunk. She quit for about 1-year
    but after she went back to drinking it got worse.
    But one thing that has not changed had been her
    sexual desire. If she does not end up passed out
    Somewhere she will make to our bed staggering
    and speech slurred but she always wants to have
    sex before passing out. That is what has kept our
    marriage viable, plus she does need me to help her
    throughout her many drunken escapades

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