JC: Deb, staying stuck in the place of unanswered questions is very emotionally unhealthy. I’d suggest that you make a gratitude list of things you are grateful for in your life today. I’d work on making a list of goals for my own life and gradually work toward accomplishing them. I’d detach from all of the unanswered questions that surround the insanity of addictive behavior and attach myself to things I am certain of. Even though your Ex may not have been an alcoholic, the lifestyle you were coping with was filled with insanity. It’s up to you now to stop the insanity within your mind by letting go of him and the relationship completely. Immerse yourself in new and invigorating things that bring satisfaction into your personal life.
Guest Post By: Debbie
Now that it is finally quiet in my home again, instead of healing, I am suffering from extreme depression because I never got any closure on whether he truly was an alcoholic or just a very abusive man with a dependence on alcohol. Other addictions of his included pornography, use of escorts and such, gambling, etc.
My mind keeps telling me instead of staying away during the divorce and doing “no contact” I should have tried to talk to him but was afraid of being “sucked back in” and so now I have so many unanswered questions I cannot stop the merry-go-round in my brain.
Is it likely I will find out if he ever loved me? How many affairs he had? Why he stayed in the marriage when he seemed to hate me? And my big one–why after I filed for divorce did he then go to a marriage counselor while already starting to date someone else seriously?
If I only saw my husband “drunk” once in 20 years–can I still attribute his meanness, lying, degrading me and other addictions to his use of alcohol? What is the likelihood I will ever get the truth from him?
I feel that in order for me to move on I need these answers and yet in my heart I know I may never get them, but I am like frozen–just keep going over all his words and actions searching for the truth. Is there anyway to find my answers I seek?
Debbie, maybe I can help you with one of your unanswered questions. If your husband was addicted to pornography, every time he indulged, he was cheating on you. When we are left to our own devices to try and figure out the insanity of this kind of behavior we will certainly go insane ourselves. Regardless, the question I think you must ask yourself is “how important are these things?” Perhaps you can get to the place of accepting that there are unanswered questions, let go of the past and get focused on living in the moment.