One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.
Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?
Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.
What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?
Well, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.
It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.
Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.
How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems
I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.
By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.
When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.
It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
I
okay, you give great examples of how to keep peace in our minds with the onslaught of the lies, the blaming, the stealing etc… you mentioned in the story above that the pool is green. how does the wife live with the pool being green? My partner tells the usual lies to appease me. ie I’ll clean the pool. But, of course these jobs don’t get done. If I do them, I’m enabling him. If I don’t do them, I’m frustrated. How do I deal with this?
I also had to deal with the same thing. And becasue i needed the grass cut etc… I had to do it myself. It is funny how people call this enabling, but you do what you have to do and let the rest go. However, I notice even then others will judge you. I had my father-in-law blame me that things were not fixed around the house saying “why do you let things get that way? Why do you let him get away with not fixing things?” As if I can make my husband fix things. Then when i fix what i can myself the same father-in-law tells me i am letting his son get away with his behavior because i am taking care of the things myself. It is a vicious cycle to be stuck in. I found that if i could do the things that affected me and my children I did. But i stopped doing things for him and actually had to leave the house for the harrassment I experienced when i would not do things for him that he should be doing himself. It is not easy and it takes a lot of time to deal with their behavior and changing yours is the only way to incite change. If we keep doing the same things we get the same results. Unfortunately for me when i refused to buy him alcohol he got violent and was arrested. So now since he still refuses to admit he has a problem with alcohol, he is living apart from us. But the best advice I can give is to take care of what absolutely has to be done and don’t do the things for the alcoholic that they should be doign for themselves. If the blaming and harrassment get too intense, take a ride or a walk and get away from the alcoholic for a while.
It is very hard to not react to being blamed for thier lack of responsibility.
I just spent a day home from work, reassuring my boyfriend that we will get through this christmas and the next few weeks without presents and money so that he can feel better about himself. He is constantly saying he wants his life to end. ITs very nervewrecking and I am so mad at him for being so selfish. I hope I can keep my calm. I had to take alot of deep breaths yesterday and not react to alot of insults and complaints. Today I feel better knowing I have nothing to feel guilty about. I did not say anything hurtful or negative to add to his list. Writing this down and sharing with you is really helping. I know that he feels bad about how he wasted all his money and that he cannot control his alcoholism. He needs professional help. And I need for him to get better.
Recognizing how far a person will take this disease is difficult. The family surrounding the alcoholic is left
holding the bag(so to speak.) We begin to automatically
take care of the alcoholics responsibilities because we
know the garbage needs to be taken care of, the cars need
washing,etc. We do this to avoid confronting and angering
the alcoholic. Yes, it sounds like enableing yet we
know how unhealthy the garbage issue will become. It takes
a lot of prayer and strength to decipher what is enableing
and what is not. For me, there are things that need
to be done that affects me. Those things I take care of
are enableing me to have health and or comfort. Yes, he
is far to sick to even consider what he SHOULD BE DOING. I want to be happy, healthy, and clean. It adds to my
self confidence. So I quit worrying about the rules, do
what I can to keep me safe and happy. Do what works.
Karen
Hi all. Yes I have just learned this also. Instead of
Feeling bitter and twisted that he isn’t doing what
He should anymore, I have started just doing it myself. Like
Shoveling the snow, driving to get grocery items
That we need, running the errands he used to do.
He sleeps while u get on with it. Instead of resenting
The fact that he isn’t pulling his weight, I feel better
That I am Independant, plus I am getting exercise . Before I used to
Lie around and mope, watch tv, read and was generally lazy. Too depressed to do anything, now I am living again in spite of the alcoholism in the house.
I just keep praying and my heart is changing roasted him.
Sorry I mean towards him…
I think the secret in dealing with their difficulties and shortcomings lies in making your life comfortable for you. It the green sludge in the pool is annoying you, go and fix it. Then enjoy the beauty of what you have achieved.
Number two secret is reminding them kindly and gently your partnership requires team unity to keep you bonded and loving toward one another and would they come on out and hold open the bag while you scoop up the pool sludge or fill the garbage bag then they can go back to their personal space. Together you can get it done so much quicker and easier on both parts.
So in short fix that which you cannot tolerate to live with and gently coerce them to assisting in some small manner without making a big issue of your simple request.
Mightn’t work for all, but maybe you could use it as a stepping stone in working out a method to make your life tolerable.
Thank you all… very good advise.. wishing you all a safe and happy Christmas, whatever that means for you.
My boyfriend of 7 years, I keep asking where that wonderful man I fell in love with went. He has never been married he is 49 he has a 20 year old son, has is just like him is some way worse. My boyfriend and I live together, but he had to find a place for his son, my boyfriend who call me names when he was mad his son started doing it he just let him, so I moved out, now his son lives in a boarding house daddy pay the bills the son he would syral from me rings that cost many thousand but I cant prove it, I am told by my boyfriend to let it go,both of his parnets are heavy drinks and in to gambeling the son is now working but uses his money for his needs TV’s pot what ever. boyfriend drinks between 8 to 12 beers a day along with shots of the hard stuff. Blames me for the relationship between him and his son calls me names, crazy bitch,yells at me all the time. Say why does life have to suck, wish some one would just shut me. On and on he drinks from the time he gets off work until he goes to be. I love him but even that is getting hard.
Sorry i think faster then I type alot of misspells in my last on. He pays is sone rent buys his food his phone card. The son will tell my boyfriend that he is a drunk and that he is useless, but I am the blame of that I am the reason he and his son know long have the relation ship they once did, The kid don’t drive he has taken his test 2 times for sure and can’t pass it it is the trainers fault the son don’t understand him, theres always and excuse, the kid les and steals and the dad my boyfriend makes excuses for him. The does the drinking keep you from seeing your son uses you an you let him in order to have a relatinship?
Last night I asked my wife why she drank 24/7. Her reply was “because I live with you”. I knew it was her speaking through her alcohol. My wifes strategy is to push all my buttons when she is drunk as to create an argument, and have something to be mad at me about so she can justify her actions. When I do argue her into a corner (metaphorically speaking) she says “I dont need an excuse”. I have studied her for many years, and I can see it coming a mile away. I have learned to tell her to “leave me alone, and talk to me when your sober”. I know this hurts her, but it hurts me to be attacked emotionally / mentally when I haven’t done anything to deserve it.
Joe, Stay strong. Know that you are a wonderful person inside no matter what she says. I understand how you feel. It is amazing how they can absolutely blame us for their behavior no matter what. You are right in walking away from an argument. You just cannot win as they make no logical sense. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself. You don’t have to take her verbal abuse because you are worried about hurting her feelings by being honest. Truth hurts. Don’t let her verbally abuse you. I took it for so many years and all it does is make you hate yourself. 🙁 God bless and don’t forget to watch out for your own feelings too.
Thanks Julie. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from blaming myself for her actions. I have done some bad things in my past, some of which were caused my tiring of the alcoholism. I have let her throw those things in my face for years considering myself the blame for her problems, but I have since learned that it’s not all my fault. She is very good at “talking in circles” when intoxicated, and yes it’s neccessary to walk away as she remembers basically nothing she said or did the night before. She knows I hate it, so she has taken to doing it elsewhere, and staying gone for days, usually at my daughters. frustrating, but i’m stronger.
when do you realize you have had enough? Thirty years married 4 rehab stints, 11 years sober at one point, now trying to wean himself off.
Kim, it is so difficult to say I have had enough. But once we do we have to stick to our guns. I am going thru that right now. 20 years of marriage, 3 times to rehab during which he always was drinking and trying to hide it. 7 times took the kdis and left until he begged me to come back and things would change. Now in a divorce and he is still contacting me to beg me to take him back. Says i didnt give him a chance one minute then says this time he is really changing. So hard to tell him no I’ve had enough. But last night I told him he needs to change on his own for real and then talk to me. Still ging thru the divorce. His excuses that he needs me to take him back in order to change is BS that I have believed in the past. My counseling has taught me that I am not responsible for his getting better. HE is. He refuses to get the real professional help he needs and that is his choice. My kids and I do not have to be dragged down by him anymore.To everyone trying to break away from the cycle, God Bless and stay strong.
Well, here I sit again wondering why my wife chooses to spend time drunk and away from me on my only days off. I purposely took an extra day off to spend with her so we could do something, anything, together, yet she chooses to be at my daughters drunk again, and doesn’t care how I feel about it. She asked me to come get her, but I only have one working car, and can’t. I told her not to drive home drunk, but she says she will if she wants to, or she will just stay gone. Either way I lose right? I love my wife very much, but this is really hurting me…..
Joe: I have not been to Al-Anon but have heard it can answer a lot of questions about an alcoholic and guide us so we can live a sane life.
Every single night, my bf would drink until he went to sleep – evening ended around 9 p.m.or whatever. He would wake up during the night and get another beer! Then he would sleep until noon since he is retired!
No one in his family mentions his drinking – I let him go to functions alone because I would blow his cover.
How does anyone keep drinking alcohol for hours every single day? I drink a glass of iced tea and am fine until dinner! He opens beer after beer and a martini in between or a glass of wine.
It just gets worse.
I need help and support and do now know where to turn. All of you seem to be handling your lives, but I see mine slipping away on a daily basis. Any suggestions? My husband is an alcoholic, admits it, and doesn’t care. Now, of course, everything is my fault. He seems so sincere in his hatred towards me. What should I do??????
Karen, You need to take care of yourself and I swear every time someone says that to me I think, “What the heck does that even mean?” To be honest, I am still not sure but I am figuring it out slowly. To me, it means pray every morning and evening for peace and joy. It also means working out every morning and I have finally decided to see a counselor (which was almost impossible for me because of pride). It means realizing you are not responsible for anyone but you. What does taking care of yourself and loving you mean to you?
Also, no one can hate you and should NEVER make you feel that way. My favorite quote (thanks to big bang theory), is “do not give him free rent space in your head.” It is NOT your fault, we all make our own choices.
Last, I do not have good advice for you except things can get much better and you can have that joy and peace back in your life. I hope you are able to figure out what that means for you and then how you get that. The only advice I will give is when things are that negative, walk away. You do not need to listen to a drunk go on and on. You can make the choice to respect yourself more and leave that negative situation.
I hope you have faith, because I will pray you up!
To everyone who has commented above.I feel the same way as all of you do.It makes me angry to read and hear about the alcoholic and how they just continue to drink and disregard everyone around them.Selfish,inconsiderate people that we love,but don’t give us what we need emotionally.I have asked myself over and over why?? am I still here? It is always the same answer for right now…I love him and am happy to get whatever little bit of emotional security that I can from him.
I moved to his home state with my 2 teenage daughters who are now on their own.I now have to contemplate if I am willing to move away from them to go back to my home to start over.Hard decisions.I have 2 grandbabies and one on the way.
While I am on my rant,another thing that p… me off is the advice to leave when you don’t want to be around their crap.WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE TO GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO UNTIL THEY FALL ASLEEP OR SOBER UP? Not fair. On the road to resolution with this man and our marriage,just not sure how fast it is going to be. Love to all in the same boat 🙂
We are all on here because we are searching for the emotional support we are not getting somewhere else. This is about how we deal with things. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Life is hard enough without sending attacks to each other. I don’t disagree that we should have find another place, but that is what worked for me. you can never give advice because we know a paragraph of information about someone else. This is a place to tell what worked for me and leave it at that. Hopefully someone will gain something from something that was written.
I have only responded to one other person and it was because I felt in my heart I needed to respond. I have gotten so much from people on this site and appreciate all views on the junk that we are all facing.
The comment makes me never want to respond again.
First off Karen, he doesn’t hate you . . he hates himself . . and you just remind him of how bad he treats you so he treats you worse to feel better about himself . . doesn’t make sense does it? But it’s the big ugly circle of alcoholism . . my husband is now 2 months sober and he’s still blaming me for things that happened . . I know my husband is having an identity crisis, he doesn’t know who he is without the booze – he was an alcoholic for 30 years . . and mine knew it, admitted it, and didn’t care either . . until one night when he was beating me I put him in jail; HUGE wake up call . . I’m hoping he’s hit bottom; time will tell . . but do NOT blame yourself for any of his actions, what he does is on him . . and how he chooses to deal with it . . you are NOT responsible for him, nor can you control him . . you can only control you . . start focusing on what’s going to make you happy and not him . . you can do it . . let go and let God . . we are all here for you . . God bless and good luck . .
I made the decision to leave (it took me years to make it). We still communicate with each other. I want to stay in contact with this guy. He is still a human being, albeit troubled. I too tried to help him. But, in all reality, that is not my job. He wants his way of life, and I want mine. These sadly, are two very different things. When he called me names, it was just his way of trying to get my attention. Like a naughty child in the supermarket screaming for a lolly. I didn’t like it and reacted. He got my attention alright, but I don’t think it was the attention he was really asking for. When dealing with a child we can use a punishment system, reasoning, a reward system (for good behaviour) or many other things. With an (alcoholic) adult, we struggle with this behaviour. If only we could send them to their room? Punish them by taking away their toys (alcohol)etc… In the heat of the moment, I too found it easier to leave. Then questioned..”Why should I have to leave?” but it is/was the quickest way to end the conflict.. some advice I’ve been given is to wait for a sober moment to discuss the boundary. Let them know, in the future, if this behaviour continues, I will ask you to go to another room, so I don’t have to leave the house. We need to re-enforce these boundries. But, I don’t want to have teach an adult how to behave. I used to think about recording a few of my favourites and just pushing the play button when needed, because as you all know… we repeat ourselves… ALOT. We lived in a shed.. yep, just the one room for everything.. so going to another room for either of us was very difficult.. we bought a 20 acre property with the shed to (I thought) build a future.. you see, what I wanted and what he wanted were two different things.. It got to the point I was so frustrated all the time that I was like a walking timebomb. If he was trying to make the effort for us to have a good day, I couldn’t appreciate the moment.. somehow the past would come flooding back. For me, too much damage had been done. The trust was gone. The respect was gone. We communicate by phone and my anxiety has risen on some occasions because of the way the conversation has gone. The beauty of the phone is that I can say goodbye and turn it off. It reminds me that I made the right decision to leave. I can’t tell anyone what to do. I can only tell you my story. If I wanted help, I asked for it. I’m still asking for help.. 🙂 When I was ready to make the decision, I made it.
To K, If your post is referring to my post,I wasn’t responding to you.
The alcoholic drinks – The spouse *thinks* they control it. This is called Co-dependency.
You can’t control the alcoholic, what they think, or do, or lie about doing.
The only choice you have is to admit that you can’t control *anything* about it. Then make up your mind about what to do. That decision is different for everyone – but for the most part I see many decisions that are based on false hope, true hope, false recovery, and recovery. The ways with which you deny the problem are the ways in which you’ll end up dealing with it. If you are in a large amount of denial – you won’t walk far enough away. If you aren’t in denial at all – you can *choose* the distance you walk away. The only thing we can control is ourselves.
However, If you or your loved ones are in danger – you need to run (not walk).
Frustrated, thanks for sharing with us. Everyone has to find their own path in the midst of alcoholism. For me, the only place I could find peace and serenity was when I was away from the alcoholic…it was a very abusive situation that I stayed in for a very long time…hoping and believing that she would get well. She never did and unfortunately the abuse escalated to the point of being too unhealthy to stay. Situations are all different, but the disease is the same…it effects all of us in negative ways.
A few things I have learned:
1-No one has the right to treat me like a door mat
2-Get out of harms way when I must…detach from problem drinkers when necessary
3-People can learn how to live with and love an alcoholic without conditions
4-I am responsible for my own happiness
5-When the pain of living with an alcoholic becomes greater than the fear of living without them, oftentimes this is when a permanent change takes place.
6-God will meet us in the middle of the mess if we seek after Him!
7-Al-anon works
K, thanks for your kind response. My husband has lost his license for a year (just a couple weeks ago) and still continued to drive around drunk. I told him he would hurt himself, or someone else. He cancelled his court ordered “evaluation” because he was too drunk to go. I took things into my own hands and went to the clinic (yeah, yeah, wrong thing…blah, blah, blah)but hopefully some of you have been that desperate. I contacted a friend and had his car moved (a corvette) before he was tempted to drive somewhere. We own a business that relies on him driving, so now that is in jeopardy. He will start serving weekends in 3 days and is blaming me for his not being able to see his daughter (my step-daughter) this weekend. I have not told her what’s going on (she’s 16) because it’s not my place. He has convinced his mother and our friends and employees that it’s all my fault. I am sick worrying about all of this. I have been fighting Stage 4 cancer for two years (finally got a good checkup) but this stress is killing me. I hate to cry and I hate to be sad and I hate being this angry woman I have become. What should I do from here???
K, your participation here is greatly appreciated. Thanks for sharing with us.
One thing I have learned about living with an alcoholic is that there is a very fine line between having faith and hope that things will change and seeing the reality of what we are actually living in.
It took someone telling me straight to my face that the alcoholic was abusing me. I was in love with her and hoping and praying that things would change. They didn’t after a long time of living in the midst of HELL on earth. God was strengthening me through every battle though. He never left me alone even though things were tough.
I would have never started this website that has helped thousands of people cope with an alcoholic had I not endured the pain of interacting with alcoholics that I have loved.
Everyone has to find their own path. Some stay with the alcoholic and others don’t.
In support group meetings we hear people say; “change your attitude or change your address.” Those are the only two options we have.
I am writing this to give a message of hope. In my ten years experience with addicted people in my life, first, I lost my husband to drug addiction, and now my boyfriend who is an abusive alcoholic. I kept making the same mistakes over and over again and nothing ever changed. Thanks to al anon literature and this website, I’ve learned some important lessons. First I’ve learned I had to let him go. I stopped worrying, obsessing, fighting, getting angry, feeling resentful and hurt, and wishing things were different. I also stopped trying to figure him out and solving his problems. I am not his counselor. If he wants my help or advice, he will ask.
I then accepted that he has an illness which I have NO control over. I can’t change it but I can change how I react to it.
Finally, in a loving way, I set boundaries. He explained to me that he will NEVER give up drinking. I explained to him that I accept that…it’s his life and only he can decide what’s best for him, but I also explained that I have to do what’s best for ME. If he drinks to excess, I will not tolerate his bad behavior. I will withdrawal myself from the relationship until it is safe for me to return. It must be safe for me physically and emotionally. I have gone without seeing him for months at a time and was prepared to never see him again if that’s what it took to protect myself from his alcoholic behavior. It has taken years of sticking to my plan of taking care of me first and lovingly accepting his choices that I am finally seeing some drastic changes in him. I gave him the room he needed to figure this out on his own and he is doing so much better. It is a slow process but he is well on his way to being a different person. It takes a lot of determination to stay in a relationship with an addicted person but it’s a great investment. I’ve learned that letting them go with love and accepting that I am powerless over the situation but never underestimating the potential within him has given me so much peace. Sometimes doing nothing is the most loving thing you can do. I don’t know what the future will bring but I don’t worry about tomorrow anymore. I take one day at a time.
I know everyone’s situation is different but never give up hope. Keep searching and you will find answers….you will find peace.
The alcoholic I used to be with never really blamed me for things, but had a horrible time with being critical of me.
It was like I could never do anything right. I would do something perfect like fix the fence gate that was so irritating to her and tell her about fixing it. Her response would be something like; “who gives a sh.. about the fence, when are you going to clean off the mildew from the front porch area?”
Talk about insanity… I’ve heard it said in support group meetings that we try so hard to please the alcoholic and we rarely get acknowledge by them.
I think she did blamed me for not achieving greater financial heights in my carrier. That still falls into the category of someone never being satisfied. We had a very large house on plenty of property and a pool, but that was never enough…always wanting more.
I gave her so many chances to get her act together. It was a difficult break-up, but the relationship had gotten so dysfunctional that there was now way we could have continued.
Just DO it.
If you want the pool clean, then you clean it.
If you want to leave it green, then don’t clean it.
It is that simple. No one is to be blamed for the condition of the pool.
You own your feelings and conditions , and you deal with them.
Trust me, this is the price you pay for the life you choose, Whatever that may be.
Lesson I learned: When my wife and I agreed to resolve our problems in heaven, as they were too messed up to deal with, we did not realise till a year later, that we have agreed in fact to live in hell on earth.
A workaholic with an alcoholic wife.
Married 28 years.
The sad part is all that my boyfriend does that doesn’t work, he blames me. He don’t pay anything here unless he has too. But if his son calls he will do whatever he has to in order to keep peace with him. My boyfriend’s family and I don’t talk because they don’t want to face the truth about there son or brother, so I am the bad guy because I won’t sugar coat things. They had a family reunion and me and my kids were not invited after 7 and a half years.
I just had a blow out with my alcoholic boyfriend on the phone! I sold a horse to an x this morning and I was accused of doing and saying all sorts of things to the x that were not even close to being ANYTHING I would EVER say or do. He told me that he had spoke to his x wife and I started saying some.of the same things to him, just so he can see how it feels. I was told “f_ you” and that it was o.k. for him to harass me but not o.k. for the shoe to be on the other foot. Wow, really? After I hung up on him and texted him a F U back and also an F OFF, he called.me.back and we argued some more. I was getting fired up and he told me.if he was here, he would slap the shit out of me. I hung up again. Of course, he calls back and tells me be said that to just “give me a wake up call” he also proceeds to tell me that he is not going to fight and be miserable. Huh? He harasses me, essentially tells me I need to be with some other Guy, accuses me of horrid things then tells me HE is not going to be miserable? When he is who starts the crap? Don’t get me wrong, 85% of the time he is great to be with. I am tired though of being his punching bag for all of his old baggage that he just can’t seem to let go of and when he pours beer, and I mean LOTS of beer on top of it, he is really ugly. I am 47 yrs old and sick and tired of giving up. I want to spend.my life with a partner and I want it to be him but I am not sure if he will ever see the light. Behind the beer is also a lot of arrogance. I care SO much for this man who can’t tell me he loves me but SHOWS me in so many other ways
the person who says they have it under control is in denial for sure. there is always a reason for a drink.Not happy about work, not happy about family, not happy about money, not happy with anything.This problem is going to get worse,get them in counseling to find the real reason for there drinking…
Stacy, the lessons we have on Coping With Alcoholics are filled with ideas that can help in situations like the one you just went through.
For instance, when we are falsely accused we can choose to NOT react and respond with self-control. This takes learning to recognize when the alcoholic is pushing our buttons.
Here are a few things that can be said when we are falsely accused:
1-I’m sorry you feel that way
2-That’s your opinion
3-That’s not true
In another part of the lessons we teach about the importance of keeping a journal. In it would be things very similar to what you wrote in your comment. As we document these arguments or disruptive events we have with the alcoholic, we start to see how they are pushing our buttons and how we are “reacting” to defend ourselves. Once we see the same patterns being repeated, such as the alcoholic falsely accusing us, we can then do things that protect our serenity, rather that disrupt our entire day or sometimes the entire week by arguing over things that aren’t true. I teach methods of having right responses when the alcoholic blames us for things.
These articles may help:
Detaching From The Alcoholic
Loving The Alcoholic Unconditionally
Coping With An Angry Alcoholic
How Alcoholics Use Anger And Anxiety
I feel the pain and frustration that you are experiencing, I’ve walked many years worth of miles in your shoes.Thanks for sharing with us and please keep posting. Your experience is helping others.
Suggested book for all the women who keep saying how much they love their alcoholic and keep hoping it will all work out-Women Who Love Too Much……..loving too much at the detriment of your life and well-being is not a virtue.
Thanks SO much and I will read the literature! I do need to learn not to react but sometimes, when I don’t react, I feel as though I am just blowing off his bad behavior and essentially telling him it is ok to treat me that way
You can reach me on facebook,i got a group called I’M NOT YOUR VICTIM ANY LONGER,I’M A VICTOR!
After 11 yrs leaving with my alcoholic husband and waiting for the day,the day he was going to stop drinking,i leave him and it is the best thing happens to me, I’m happy and free of abusive behavior.
Don’t be a VICTIM,life is too short to wasting time with an alcoholic,they do not deserve us!
Be a VICTOR and live up you life!
Love yourself firstly,nurture yourself,take care of yourself and if he loves you more than alcohol he would give up and follow you in your path to Happiness.
You need a real purpose in life and a meaning!
I can relate to Stacy. My alcoholic is constantly accusing me of something. I walk on eggshells around him all the time trying not to do anything wrong to upset him. The last time he insulted me was out in public in front of friends and my daughter. That was it for me. I have kept journals when we have had arguments and when I read them I get angry at myself for having put up with it for so long. I am in the process of getting him out of my life. It has taken allot of courage for me to make this decision. I’d rather be alone then to stay married to him. Actually being married to him taught me to be alone because I spent so much time alone when he’s drinking. I’m ready to have peace in my life.
MM I understand what you are saying. I also am put down in public and in front of my children. The other night we were laughing and talking and he knocked his beer over and he started yelling and kicking doors. I care about him but I am know long sure of what my feelings are he isn’t the same person. He tells me one thing others another. He will keep bringing up the past if I say something about something he done in the past he gets all up set. At times I don’t even talk to him about things that need to be talked about because of his reaction. We will go to friends house and he has put me down to them in the past but doesn’t understand why I am not comfortable there around them any more.
I feel sorry for the people that refuse to get away from their alcoholic other because they LOVE THEM. You are letting them destroy your life, one day at a time, and I did that until mine died at age 75. Now I look back and can only see the violence my children had to tolerate growing up, the mental and physical abuse we endured, the insults, the put-downs, the embarrassing comments made in front our friends to humiliate us,….it is not worth it. If they can’t stop drinking because they love us, we need to get away from them and try to find peace and love somewhere else.
Both my kids are scarred for life and single in their 50s. One is an alcoholic worse than his Dad and the other thinks wine for moment is like duct tape for men – it will fix anything. Her boyfriend thinks words are cheap and a dime a dozen and insults her, rants and raves for hours if he is not satisfied down below and he is sober. My granddaughter is trying to raise a son working less than 40 hours because that is all she can get and her bf won’t work at all. She will not kick him out “because she loves him”. Why on earth do we let people abuse us and think things will get better. Life is too short to accept this way of life. Gather up some guts and run, not walk, away as fast as you can. You can find peace and happiness somewhere else after they are gone, believe me.
what made you stay for so long Betty? I stayed because I didn’t believe in divorce. My wife was truely ill from the disease and me and the kids were effected by her drinking too. She eventually filed for divorce and I was freed by her choice not mine.
I think therer are many reasons why folks stay in these difficult relationships. Every situation is different. Some can’t afford to care for themselves and their little children. Others are caught in denial and cannot see how horrible the situation really is. For some, living in the chaos of alcoholism has become a way of life that they are comfortable with, even though the situation is extremely dysfunctional.
I could never blame the alcoholic I was with for my unhappiness because I had made a concious decision to stay in the relationship.
Stacy – I was once in a similar situation and the 85% in which he is good just isn’t worth the 15% when he isn’t. And, I can pretty much promise you that the percentages will gradually shift until the 15% becomes the 85%.
You can never love an alcoholic enough because they will just use it to further their own addiction.
Yes, Janice, you are probably right. We have been together for a year and a half and it is gradually becoming worse. His arrogance is sickening at times. We don’t live together, thankfully, so I am not stuck in that way. May be I just need some good reading material, self help type books, that would strengthen me either to learn better ways to handle him or help me to be strong enough to know when enough is enough and be able to move on and not look back 🙂
Stacy – I’m reading a series of books right now called “Getting Them Sober: You Can Help!
” . . it’s basically about how if we detach and take care of ourselves; in the long run it will help the alcholic as well . . great self help books, and Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
is another good book . . my husband is recently sober but there is still too much going on, it’s an ongoing battler and just need to take it one day at a time . . take care . .
Thanks sandy! I did read codependent no more about 20 yrs ago and it was an awesome book. I should re-read it!
It is a great book, being codependent in some ways can harm us as much as the alcoholic; I have to battle my disease of codependency and not just with my alcoholic husband; with my 87 year old mother that lives with us; for her age she’s still sharp and boy getting stuck between her and him can make me want to scream; it’s a struggle. My AH has quit drinking but still has a long way to go; the booze is gone but not all the old behaviors and I’m still trying to learn to detach when he comes home in a bad mood, he LOVES to fight, it’s the thrill of the kill and drama; granted without the alcohol the anger has subsided but it’s not gone – my AH loves to play the victim, he thrives on it . . and now being sober he’s having to take responsibility and he’s not liking that much; but I do think he likes finally being in control of his life again, hasn’t had that in 30 years – anyway, I’m rambling . . I just read all these posts and end up having a million things to say; everyone’s story is different but the same, hope that makes sense . . and we will ALL get through this . . together . .
Sandy, you REALLY have your hands full! Yes, we will get through this all together. It is really nice to know that we have somewhere to go for support 🙂
Hi Karen
I read your stories and like most of us here, I can identify with you on many levels. I can not say that I have any advice to give to you, but instead I offer you my support, understanding and love. I am a praying person, and sincerely Karen, that is really the way that I have managed to survive in this marriage to an alcoholic. God is there with you honey even if you can not sense Him, or even truly believe in Him! The only person that can honestly tell you what you need to do about your situation is you. You CAN do this Karen! Somehow you will be able to see a better life for yourself, and make the move all on your on besides having the Lord’s help to do what your HEART tells you you need to do. Just don’t give up and give in…ever. I understand your anger, and frustration. Use them as your motivation to reach for something better for yourself. There is absolutely nothing that you can do for your husband except pray for him, but you can do things for yourself and right now. As far as your illness, and your husband blaming you all the time, believe it or not, this TOO will pass Karen. It takes time, but you seem to be a very strong person even if you don’t think so, and the answers and help that you need will come! God bless you Karen, and I will be here praying for!!
Hi,
This is my first post. I am 25yrs married to a binge alcoholic. I have read everything and tried everything nothing has worked. I have spent most of my adult life trying to cope with my husbands alcoholism. I get long spells of no drinking but when it starts it can last for months. He said he does not have a problem I make him un-happy. He walked out 2 weeks ago saying he would be back for dinner I haven’t seen him since. It is like being married to two different men. I got a lot of abuse from him last night. Alcoholics can be very hurtful especially to their families, of course everyone loves him in the pub. I think my biggest mistake has been to try and understand him, I can’t I am not a alcoholic. Only another alcoholic can understand. Like everyone who writes on this page I have good days and bad days. I have decided that I am only in control of my life. I am now trying to use the 3 c’s I did not cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. I know I will get the begging phone call’s can he come home he’ll change but I know he will not. It will be difficult to say no but I need a life now my kids are older and I need to start living for me.