Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying? There lips are moving. Coping (dealing) with the lying nature of the problem drinker is better done through accepting the fact that lies are a way of life for the substance abuser. They really have a problem with being truthful about anything.

Why do they lie so much? Let’s face it, they are living in a world of denial and if we get honest enough with ourselves, we will realize that we are living in denial as well. It’s really not important to understand why they do this, just accept the fact and leave them alone when they do it.

The sooner you can accept that lying is a part of the alcoholic’s lifestyle the better you will be able to cope. Dealing with someone who is not telling the truth is frustrating because it causes us to want to argue with them about not telling the truth.

Just learn how to zip your lip.

When we stop confronting them then there will be a lot less finger pointing going on. There is great freedom to be enjoyed once we stop judging an alcoholic.

When we learn that we do not have to try and prove to them that we know they are telling us a lie, then our frustration level will go down. This will help us to also stop blaming an alcoholic for much of our stress.

What is the point of confronting an alcoholic who is lying anyway? You know they are just going to deny the truth and stand up for the false reality that they perceive to be truth. Alcoholic liars come in every shape from a teenage son, daughter, spouse, mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather.

The reason they lie so much is because alcoholics are filled with shame. Have you ever known someone who when they were a child said they wanted to be an alcoholic when the grow up? Of course not, no one sets a goal to be addicted to some type of drug or substance. The alcoholic thinks and feels as though “they” are a mistake. For that reason they will lie about countless matters.

Unfortunately, lying is a comfortable way of life for the alcoholic. The best way of coping (or, dealing) with this problem is to just accept the truth and let them tell their lies without you pretending to be the private investigator who knows what really happened.

Trust me… When you start letting go of all the things they are doing, you will start losing your temper with an alcoholic less.

Just let them live their dysfunctional life and you enjoy yours without the additional fight for the day.
Author: JC Edited by: Odum On

Alcohol Addiction Family

How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic

478 comments to Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

  • Bruce

    mace: Welcome to the site. I suggest you gather his tools and take them to one of his relative’s or friend’s home and leave them there. Make sure he isn’t there when you do. Change your locks too. Don’t give him a reason to come over either.

  • mace

    Thanks..I think he must want me to hurt because he is hurting. It was my idea to take space and he now doesn’t want a relationship but still considers us a couple, and assumes that we will not sleep around. This is tough and I am looking for a support group soon.
    These just seem like games, but the more I stay informed the better.
    This all started when I said he drank too much and that drinking every single day is immature and not productive. He is between jobs, and that is probably not a surprise.

  • Amy

    I think the one thing that causes me the most anger is the lying..I will look at him and say…you have been drinking and he will deny it even if he is so drunk he can barely stand up then get angry at me for confronting makes me feel like he thinks I am a stupid idiot..I simply cannot wrap my head around it..its obvious he has been drinking…he knows he has been why stand in front of me and lie your ass off telling me you are not…this is one area I really need to work on..confronting the lies..some days I do it well..other days..I get so angry I blow…

  • Amy

    The lying drives me crazy, when they are standing in front of you obviously drunk and telling you they are sober..It makes me feel like he thinks I am stupid!!…and hiding the bottles EVEYWHERE..I dont know how many time I have found rotten milk..or glasses filled with brandy and rotten milk in the basement or outside…I have all I can do some days not to smack him over the head with one of those milk containers..There not to hard to find when the smell consumes the whole basement…frustrating to say the least…I hate lying!!

  • Linda

    The lying is very hard to take.Jeckal Hyde one way in front of people the other behind close doors. this one is trying to drive me nuts. Try’s to keep me from people. I’m tiered of defending myself. This is making me sick.

  • mace

    The lying is terrible and I feel for you Amy.

  • Elisabeth

    My ex-A lies even when sober. It’s like another addiction for him. The dumbest thing about it, is that when I question his lies, he just starts making changes to them, telling me that I didn’t let him finish or what he really meant was… Not to say that he doesn’t sometimes get away with his lies. The problem with me was that I never was close to anyone who lied like that, so I believed everything he told me for years. Even though one of his friends had warned me about him being a liar when he and I were just becoming friends, and even though there were many moments where his lies were made clear to me during the course of our relationship. I just kept on trusting him. 15 years later, after being really hurt by him and his lies and after our breakup, I’ve only just come to realize that I can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth, drunk or sober.

  • Debbi

    To All:
    Yes, the lying is horrible. Some lies like you all said make no sense–even when telling the truth would cause them no harm they lie anyway. What gets me is like Elisabeth I kept trusting even after I saw the lies & now I feel so stupid.

    Don’t laugh at me but one morning my exA had just told me another lie while on the phone with me. I had a sticky notepad in front of me & I wrote it down. I just couldn’t stop so I kept writing every lie he had ever told me down on a new note & kept stickering them all over the kitchen cabinets & left them for him to see. Now I feel so stupid but the lies just drove me so crazy that day I just couldn’t handle one more! I know you all think I’m crazy & nutty now! But you know what’s worse–6 months later I found those notes in his truck–he saved them why?

  • mace

    Let’s continue to realize that we are talking about alcoholics!! Expect the worst and be grateful when you see the best. Be encouraging when they do tell the truth and follow through.
    Loving them is no easy road, and once I found this page, decided to enjoy my life without him if needed, and to let go and stop focusing on the drinking every waking moment, then I am much, much happier.

    Occupying space in our minds is the real issue here. Until WE either get out, go to meetings ourselves, and/or find support, ppl who love alcoholics will be miserable. We are not married, so at anytime I might just hook-up with someone else. Obviously, he doesn’t want that..I will keep HIM guessing, and maybe, just maybe he will do what needs to be done to grow up and get help.

  • Amy

    and some days Mace I do that well…and other days I just fall apart…I just got screaming at mine for lying …I left a list of things to do and he said he couldnt get them done because he was to busy..but he had time to drink..I usually do handle all this much better..but days like today I feel like choking him…I work my butt off and he cant even do a couple EASY things I left on a list..but he can find time to drink and go pass out at 3 in the after noon …well the only solution I can think of to this is to keep adding his share to a list and he either does it or it doesnt get done..and yes mine lies even when sober ..over the stupidest of things…he can be the sweetest nicest guy when he is sober and the biggest meanest selfish monster when he isnt..some days I wish he wouldnt have even one sober day…I think it would just be easier to deal with..when he does have a couple of sober days and I get a taste of being treated like I should be…I feel worse when he does drink and things go back to the way they usually are…

  • Amy

    You know this site does help..ALOT..I get to see first hand how similar they all are..not just read articles about it..or read a book about how an alcoholic acts, thinks etc..I get to see first hand..that it really is true..they all do act..almost the same…

  • Amy

    Debbi…Dont feel crazy..and no one thinks your crazy..I can beat you out on your sticky notes..about 4 years ago I was SO mad and SO fed up..I went and bought BRISTEL BOARD..and I wrote down ALL the things he has done over the years..from the biggest things like 2 duis, jail,slicing all 4 of my tires on night drunk,,omg I could go on and on…and I did..with a big black marker..then I took ALL OF THEN and posted them all in the living room,…you couldn’t even see the walls…and im not kidding…I know it was nuts to do it..but you know what he was driving me nuts…lol..I was at the end of my rapidly fraying rope..and I feel like I am on the end of another one today..I need to get my head together and get back my serenity SOMEHOW i was doing pretty good…now I feel half crazy..Im mad,sad,confused,stressed to the max…I have to be a little easy on myself too though..I am trying to be and do different..but I am going to have days like today where I have taken to steps back instead of two steps forward…because as I sit here..I STILL want to go in that room and scream at mad at him today there is no denying that..!!

  • Debbi

    Wow–that must have big some big board to write down ALL the things he did to you–was it like football stadium size???

    My ex A was functional & so different & taking me years & still cannot figure out?–A, Abuser, Sociopath you name it–I still don’t know what I was dealing with–he’s way too cunning I found out from 20 years of stuff he lied about.

    But here’s another secret when I finally got proof of his cheating (saw the escort charges on his credit card) I knew if I confronted him he would lie as usual & this would give him time to cover it up. So….oh no–I sent copies to his family members & one close friend & exposed him. Everyone who knew I did that said it was wrong except for one woman who used to work in our office she said “Damn, mail it??? If that were me I would have hand-walked it & stuck it under his mother’s nose & said do you see what your son did & has been doing to me”–so then I didn’t feel so bad. Oh no–guilt again remembering stupid thing I did to retaliate–not my shining moment!

  • Amy

    lmao…it was alot of boards…Im sure I could of kept…not that it fazed him any…nothing ever fazes the one in the end thats being driven crazy …Something mine does to that always burned me if he stays sober for a couple of days..(on one of his self attempts at sobriety)..(eyes rolling here) after he drinks he ignores ME and treats ME as if I am the bad guy and I am the one who has done something wrong…he becomes very selfish wont help out around here gets angry at everyone and treats everyone like shit and sleeps in another room..then he starts back on his cycle of drink everyday or every other day again..which can go on up to a month to two months…its as if he is trying to punish me for his actions or failed attempt at getting sober with NO HELP..Ive seem this cycle a millon times..drink like crazy..wonder out with his head down..say he needs to get sober..or go to rehab..but doesnt make any real attempt.(I dont even listen when he says this stuff anymore..then doesnt drink for 4 or 5 days..then starts back up again..IDK…does anyone else have similar things like this done to them?

  • Sandy

    I can empathize with everything being said here; Elizabeth what you said about yours lying even when sober hit total home with me – my RAH still lies continually, the chemicals in his brain get all weird when he doesn’t eat, which being an alcoholic he learned to drink his meals so it’s hard to get him to eat regularly – when I come home and he’s acting weird I’ll question him if he’s eaten – he’ll say “yea yea, I ate ??? whatever” . . I go look in the frig and there it is . . does he think I’m an idiot . . then I confront him and ask him why he lied and he says he doesn’t want me to yell at him for not eating, I respond “so you want me to yell because you lied instead?” It’s just a big ugly revolving door . . and I can totally relate to what Amy said about how obvious it is that they are drunk and they still claim to have not drank aarrgghhhhhhhh My RAH is a total dry drunk . . the alcohol is gone but all the behaviors exist and of course he’s so narcissistic he won’t even consider getting help from AA these days . .

  • N

    Dear Everyone who loves or has loved an alcoholic.

    I have but now I have fully left and the peace and quiet is great .

    In time each one will leave — only you can change your life and Yes we do deserve better .

    Try to read You Can Heal Your Life ==Author Louise L Hay.

    Bless you all and have a good weekend.


  • N

    of course we all wonder what attracted us to an alcoholic .

    Always try to remember we deserve better .

  • N

    Dear Amy .

    Yes I can Empathize with you Ive seen all of that — took me a while to comprehend it was his stuff not mine .

    Gosh they are good at lying — my bloke goes to prostitutes he has 3 addiction that Im aware of .
    when hes on his bender which last from March to October every yr since Ive known him.

    Bless him he is addicted to
    1. Alcohol.
    2. Gambling. with all kinds of prostitutes —- That hurt the most when I found out.
    4. Controlling all round him–and distancing all people from coming to the house to see me .

    Now I ‘m away from all that — You too will leave in time ,Its different for everyone .

    For me it was My self Respect and knowing and believing I did Deserve a nicer life .

    Good luck and be safe .

  • Debbi

    I sure wish I could find my peace since leaving like you have. what’s the secret? The prostitutes hurt the worse or so I thought until I heard & saw him with another new woman 7 months after seeing the prostitutes–I felt the betrayal again–double whammy. I do everything to make sure I don’t see him or anyone associated with him–I want no more pain–I want that peace you have. If I was younger I could probably hope one day for a new love in my life but now at my age I know this will never be & with my health starting to fail again I have this deep sense that I put up with all his crap only for it to end up like this. I really could use a miracle now.

    Hope everyone has a safe & fun holiday weekend if you celebrate Memorial Day!

  • Elisabeth

    @ Sandy –
    I totally know what you’re talking about! My ex-A did/does the same. On the days that he’s drinking, he forgets to eat. Come 10pm, he realizes he’s hungry and orders pizza. Never eats healthy food – only junk. Another addiction? I don’t know. But yes, the lying to my face never ceases to amaze me. And he did tell me recently that he lied about something we were discussing because he didn’t want to get in trouble with me. That it’s like a kid who lies. Well, that’s exactly the problem. He’s like a little kid. He never really grew up. And with addiction in his family and a dad who is a total co-dependent for his alcoholic mom (dad had an alcoholic mom himself), I don’t think he ever had a strong, mature, male role model. Even though his dad isn’t an alcoholic, he also lies all the time. And believe me, this is actually a wonderful, loving family. I adored them and my ex-A was also a very loving guy, but you can live in Fantasyland only so long before you realize that you’ve grown up, but Peter Pan is still the same. He broke up with me, then 6 weeks later wanted me back, but I’m not going back to him. At least, not unless I see some serious changes. Very long story, but the basics are what everyone understands. I do feel better not being with him, but also very lonely. Then again, I was lonely with him, too.

  • Noreen

    Dear Debbi.

    I can also empathize with you –and I sure as hell do not want another man in my life as the last one had me fooled for 3.5 yrs before I realized he was Alcoholic.

    I just respect myself and want summat better reading self helping books help , meditation ,yoga trusting yourself as people who are with Alcoholics are of a strong nature .

    Where in UK are you ?.
    Im on the south coast .

    Blessings .

  • Elisabeth

    I should say that my ex-A’s immaturity isn’t the whole problem, obviously. I feel like I wrapped everything up in that little bow. His alcoholism is clearly the problem and what, I’m sure, has helped him to be the immature, liar he is today. He started drinking in high school and one of his sisters believed it became a problem when he was in college. I don’t mean to trivialize this situation by simply labeling him a “Peter Pan” and wanted to make that clear.

  • Amy

    They say…the age they began drinking is where they stay maturity wise…and I will tell one will ever have to fight to convince me how true that A acts so immature and a kid wanting his way all the time and has temper tantrums if he doesn’t get it….even the kids who are both 14 see it.,,I feel like a mother with a child not a woman in a relationship most of the time…

  • JM

    Hi all,
    Thank you all for your sharing. I can relate to all your stories.

    Noreen, My ex-ABF has the exact behaviours and addictions that you described. I finally left him and ended 8 years relationship recently.

    Completed agree that I need my self-respect, that I deserve a nicer life. I no longer want to be an angry woman because his addictions. Myself don’t have any additions, and I don’t need them in my life.

    The trouble is that he doesn’t think he has problems, instead his rich lifestyles. So I told him keep drinking, keep smoking, keep gambling and keep your unhealthy lifestyles. I am out for nicer and healthy life without him.

    Amy, Elisabeth, I also can relate to your stories, my ex-ABF’s behaviours are also every inmaturer, he seems have no common sense, denial, seeking approval, no self-confidence, no self-thinking capability, even though he reads a lot, it doesn’t seem to help him.

    It is hard to be alone, but I am thinking, at least I don’t have those problem in my life anymore.

    However, I have been kept wondering how I have been attracted to an addict! I am still searching for the answers.

    At the very dark days, this phrase that I’ve learnt at Al-anon kept me going:
    Accept the things that I can’t change, courage to change the things I can!

    Take care everyone.

  • Debbi

    I am in the US, east coast. But even an ocean away you are trying to help me get that peace back in my life that you have also–Thank you.

  • Laura

    Thank you all for sharing your said and heart wrenching stories of our crazy lifes living with an A partner. I struggle everyday with the knawing feeling of what is going to happen next. I can hardly even remember when I did not feel like I was standing next to an electric fence and knowing that sooner or later it was going to shock me. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to find out why I have let me selfworth and selfesteem fade away. It seems like tooth decay and I am just letting myself rot, by someone elses hand. And for some sick reason that empowers them. If I am happy and humming around the house he will go out of his way to ruin that mood for me. We just had hospice here and he acted like it was nothing and that he was going to be fine. When they wanted him to share and or talk he just sat there like a kid eating his candy litteraly. He said he did not need to talk because he is still convinced that everyone involved in his medical condition is WRONG and he is not going to feel sorry for himself. They told him that this condition usually last no more than 6 months. It is so hard to feel alone and I am trying to keep it real with myself what I am going to have to face. I am working out again and meditating and trying just move forward for myself, but I really want to learn why I feel he is more important than myself? Thank you to all who have offered your great words of love and kindness. L

  • Debbi

    @ Laura:
    Is he not sharing or facing the reality because of the stage he is in (maybe denial) or does hospice have him on medication that keeps him from feeling the effects?

    I know you appreciate everyone’s kind words but on your own like this has to be so difficult on you. What are you doing to cope? Let us know & maybe we all can offer suggestions that we’ve tried.

    ((HUGS to you))

  • Laura

    Thanks again Debbi, no he is in full blown denial. He just started the medicine Friday. He took his mom ( who is in complete denial along tome ago when I needed her help to get him in rehab for the transpland she stood there looking at magazines asking him what he wanted for Christmas because she did not want to upset her baby boy) to see his dad’s grave this morning for memorial weekend ( before taking any medicine) and I normaly go, but I told I had just bben to my dad’s and lost it and can deal with anymore at this time in life. He just said sorry again. I told him today that is so hard to watch him go through this and worry about being alone and without the healthier part of him in my life and balled my eyes out. He did feel bad, but nothing is going to change him. He did not used to be like this and at 44 years old is soooo horrible, it is horrible at any age don’t get me wrong.He did go through rehab and all the required steps for a transplant and then gave up at about 1 before being ready to start the prelimany process. He gave up and said he was going to do what he wanted and has. My daughter ( his step) wants to come home next weekend from college as she knows he is declining, but I have not told her about hospice as her finals are soon and I want her to take care of her not me or him right now. So I am torn as to weather I should encourage her in case we loose him soon or discourage her so that she does not have to see him like this. She loves him so much she even offered to be tested as a living donor if needed. She saw him a couple of months ago when we were in ER in her town and cancelled her day to be there for us so she knows how bad he is.??? I guess all I can do is pray now. I am hanging in there today thank you I am working on a visiion board via my counselor and playing with my dogs. Funny how something so simple keeps us so grounded when dealing with this dis-ease. Love again and I so appreciate your words.

  • mace

    As folks who love alcoholics, we tend to overthink almost all situations. I would let my daughter remain focused on her studies. His choices have brought him to where he is today. Let her live her live without the mess he’s in regardless of whether she cares alot.

    You may be needing a crutch, and your daughter is there. I say find other means of emotiional support. If he is in denial, along with his mother, there is no reason to bring this child into this mess any further.

    School is the most important thing for your daughter right now.

    I know it’s hard, but keep praying that god will shift your focus so it won’t destroy you.

    Prayers and’s hard, but hang n there.

  • c

    Alcoholics are people too. They suffer mental problems just like someone with depression or bipolar disorder. Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol in many of the same ways people are addicted to food. Sure they lie, just like a person addicted to food does, they lie about consumption because they are ashamed. That being said I do agree that if the alcoholic isn’t willing to get help it becomes important to distance yourself from them…but to get angry at them seems harsh. Most alcoholics drink for a reason, and no matter how wrong that reason is, it is important to notice most alcoholics need help not ignored.

  • Karens

    Lying is a way of life for alcoholics. They lie about who they were with,
    where they are going, how much they drink. They have hid this problem for
    so long that they lose their reality of their own life. Expect they will
    lie to you and anyone else with in ear shot. No excuses, they forget how
    to tell the truth. I can recognize a lot of the lies of my AH. We are in
    two diffrent worlds. Yes, they do need compassionate understanding if they
    will not or cannot quit drinking. In the real world they get by. In their
    world the lies make them feel like a bigger better person. You do not have
    to accept their world as yours. You can do better, even if you are living
    with them. You must diligently work at your own life. Building a mental
    barrier to the lies so they no longer hurt you is so important. Pray
    to see through the lies to protect your family. I pray for your health
    mental well being and the goodness of our Lord to guide you through this
    long and difficult journey.

  • Amber

    My husband fell down a flight of stairs 4 months ago. His alcohol level in the afternoon was .400. But my husband says the doctor is lying. He lost 40 days of his life. I didn’t know he was an alcoholic until the day the doctor confronted me & told me not to lie to him & asked how much does he drink. He was close to losing his life from the alcohol level so I thought the worse part was over. But it wasn’t. He detoxed for 10 days. Since the accident I had to face the fact that my husband who I thought was the most respectable man I ever met is as much of an alcoholic as they come. But now the life we have been living the last 15 years was a lie. He is still drinking & lying about it. I called the sheriff one night cuz I needed to know if he was drunk or was his brain injury making him act crazy. He tested at a .182. The sheriff took him to detox. Everything his family & I found out since the accident & him going to detox his family believes his lies & tells him I need to seek professional help. My 2 girls & I r living w/ his lies alone everyday. My 9 year old came home from my husband picking her & her friends up from the pool & asked if rolling rock is a n/a cuz he had it in the truck w/ them. The same child told me her dad was drinking when I wasn’t here. She caught him & he lied to her. When he wasn’t around she took the beer & dumped it out. My husband tells who am I going to believe her or him. My 9 year is more believable then my husband. That is messed up.

  • Tessa

    I keep reading all of your messages looking for some sort of hope or inspiration. I recently left my ABF because we our 10 month old son and I really had no choice. He lost his job, the electricity was shut off, there was no food or money. He swore he was done drinking because all of the bad that happened was due to alcohol. I found out last night that he started drinking again when we left. He moved by his dad so he could get clean, but sometimes when we talk he sounds “off”. He says since he quit drinking and doing other stuff (has an addiction to vicodin) he has his good and bad days. Some days, he doesn’t remember what I told him the day before. I am so hurt that he lied about not drinking, the hell he put us through was almost unbearable. I don’t know if I should confront him that I know he drank again or just leave it be. I told him i expect a relapse, I can deal with that, but the dishonesty is a killer, without trust….there isn’t much.The hardest part is, baby and I are supposed to move back in with him. I don’t even know what to fo anymore. Loving an addict is a short road to insanity.

  • amber

    I wish I had answers for you. They r so sick. My situation is not even near as bad as yours. I can’t get any answers out of my husband cuz he turns it around on my. Somehow there is something wrong with me. We need answers from the people who is causing us so much pain on why they r causing us pain. u made the right decision to leave. My situation isn’t as bad so I decided to give my marriage another shot. Good luck.

  • Amber

    Do u have his family’s support? My case I turned to his family so we can do an intervention. The whole time they were telling Bryan, my husband, I think something is wrong with Amber. I she ok? We r worried about her. And then they told him to tell me to quit calling them & texting them. So now when I confront him he tells me I need hel. I have 2 girls. He is a wonderful father & husband. I am 41 years old. He has been drinking & hiding it all these years. We all found out he was an alcoholic when he fell down some stairs & got bleeding in the brain & his alcohol level was a .400. He should’ve died but he didn’t. Then he was in icy not breathing on his own and was swollen cuz he was detoxing & should’ve died from that but didn’t. When he started breathing on his own they transferred him to a rehabilitation facility where he went thru the stages u go thru when u have a dramatic brain injury starting off like a new born baby to a toddler who threw tantrums and now a younger way of thinking. He is doing good now but he is still drinking. I had no idea Bryan was drinking. While Bryan was in icu my brother in laws went thru the house. Beer cans in the ceiling tiles, furnace room,huge garbage bags full of cans in the shed & ,medicine cabinet. I went 15 years w/ out knowing he was an alcoholic. Thru this time I haven’t worked in 12 years, 2 girls who r close to their dad, 1 is a 4th grader another 7th settled in the same school their whole lives. I am not saying our home is miserable. If I had a choice I would leave.But I do love him so much. He is such a good dad & wonderful husband. Another reason I do not leave is if I did his family would think I am horrible cuz to them he isn’t drinking. And our relationship would turn toxic w/ them bad mouthing me. I am 41 years old who hasn’t worked in 12 years. I am financially dependant on him. Bryan & I get along great cuz he is an easy guy to get along w/. I stay cuz I have no place go. Since he has been home from the hospital we fight the girls c it. They c him cutting me down which I do nit say anything or take it personally cuz I know it his injury & his disease. Even though it is not all the time it is so hard on them all the fighting I am telling u this. U need to leave. Your baby is young enough to get use to not having his dad around. I c what our fighting does to ny girls & your baby right now is not old enough to have an affect yet. It isn’t going to get easier it is only going to cause u more heartache and stress. If your bills aren’t getting paid you might as well live on your own cuz and depend on your own pay the bills since he is unreliable. Now he is doing drugs. I do not know much about drugs if what he is doing illegal but if they aren’t right now who’s to say they won’t get to that point. Then u have legal trouble w/ him and it could be on you as well. Leave him do not go back. Live w/ your parents til you get on your feet. Your baby is not school age right now like mine r. It sounds like u have his family’s support to help him clean up. Yours his and your baby’s lives right now r poor quality of life. You deserve better. I do not have any answers for u. All I have advice and here for you if u need to vent.

  • Mandy

    On reflection when I sit back and ponder I think My advice to any young woman living with an alcoholic is simple GET OUT run as fast as you can and do not look back, you live only once and to waste your life living in circumstances that are so soul destroying is terrible each and every person deserves good life with someone who loves them and treats them with respect if the alcoholic cannot find the strength to deal with their addiction then they are the ones who need to live with it not you ….good luck all

  • Amber

    I get what you are saying. But I love my husband, he is the neatest man I have ever known. I worry if I leave he will die. He is lying to his family and they believe him because if they admit he cannot quit on his own then they will have to change their lifestyle like not having alcohol at family get togethers. My husband almost died from falling down the stairs with an alcohol level of .400, then he almost died since he had bleeding in the brain. Then he almost died because he was in ICU for 10 days because he was going through withdrawals so bad he couldn’t breath on his own. Once he made it through that he went through the stages like starting as a newborn baby to a toddler and so on. He had to relearn to breath, talking from just learning how to talk and then able to know what things are called and even to finish a sentence. Then he had to learn how to walk. From all that and his family knowing that he has drank since he recovered they are in denial that he is drinking because they do not care enough to change their ways. I am the only one who is looking out for him. If I leave who is going to care enough to help him. I feel sorry for him and think how his family is handling his disease is so sad.

  • Heaven

    I did a search on the internet that said, “do alcoholics ever recover ” and stumbled upon this site. The pain I can feel through the words that are expressed here is so raw, so unbelievably moving. As is the case with anyone who is actually reading this, my life is being affected in the most horribly negative way because my boyfriend is an alcoholic. We all deserve to cared for and respected and it’s been so long since I’ve felt those emotions, I am honestly amazed that I can suffer so much because of the lack of them, every single day. I am 36 years old and have been with him for almost 4 years. Not even a full year had passed before the misery and abuse set in. Once upon a time, the very first, most paralyzingly time, I called the cops on him, obtained a restraining order, left my home and stayed w/one of my sisters 4 almost 2 weeks. Then, the fear he began I stilling started taking over. The shame I felt @being @my sister’s home was excruciating. His threats were so outrageous, so without boundaries, I returned home…& it’s been an on an off again nightmare ever since. I feel I will never be free. I feel powerless. I have no one to talk to. I had 1 friend and used to be very close w/my niece and nephew. He changed all that. I am a shell of the woman I used to be and I write these words just to get them off my chest and out of me to see if I can feel just a little lighter, if only for one night. I went back to school and although I have always been a stellar student, I find myself failing because I cannot concentrate. His alcoholic ways and controlling behavior have me lost and tired. His lies are never ending. His verbal abuse is soul wrenching. I hope my words are not looked upon in anger on this site, if anyone reads this. I just feel so very alone and no one knows what I am going through. I miss my mom.

  • Elisabeth

    Heaven – you are definitely with friends here on this site. Keep reading and you will find lots of answers and, hopefully, some clarity on what you are going through and the strength to make some changes for yourself. I don’t have great advice to give as my relationship ended when my ExA decided to move on, but I can tell you that my life is much better without him. I’m sure there are lots of folks here who can give you the guidance you need.

  • Me

    Heaven, I don’t have any answers, just experiences that long ago I would never tolerate
    from my A Husband. We change, we loose our selves in the AH’s problems. My mistake,
    hardly his. They drink because their body’s have physically changed, they are not in control
    You are not powerless, you are temporarily confused because of the alcoholic’s cunning
    ability to manipulate you and your accepting his manipulations as honest and forth-right.
    As you are learning to see through more and more of his manipulations you will have
    one of the tools to help yourself. You learn to never accept his targeted statements
    that hurt you as the sumtotal of who you are. Quite often I have to tell my AH that I
    no longer accept his unkind words and that they are no longer acceptable. I feel like
    I am talking to a child, with brain damage. Guess What, Heaven. They are brain damaged.

    We are all reasonably intelligent people who are living in a night mare. Learn who
    you are and draw some lines as to what you will or will not accept from the Alcoholic.
    You will see your self change because we have too.

    There are many who will read your article and never make an attempt to communicate
    because they are also hurting. Please be encouraged to start your own life to fit
    your needs. There is not much we can do for the alcoholic but there is a lot we can
    do to make our own life more tolerable.

  • Amber

    I have been married to my husband for 15 years and just recently found out he was a functioning alcoholic. I have had low self esteem since I have been married from how he and his family treats me. When I would make my husband mad, he would cut me down tell me I do not have any friends and call me names. And then his family was rude to me because I would be crabby since every time we were around them my husband was always drunk. My husband had an accident when he was drunk and he almost died 3 times from the accident, his alcohol level was .400, and him detoxing. When my husband was in ICU his family told me that I have them for suppport that I am not alone. So when my husband got sloppy when he came home from the hospital I reached out to them but all they did was tell my husband to tell me to quit calling and texting them that they are worried about me. All these years I thought it was me and I felt worthless. Since the accident I realized it is not me. Every day I get stronger. When he cuts me down, I do not get down on myself I just listen to him let him ramble and feel sorry for him. And with his family they are just as sick as him they allowed beer at a benefit for him and people were drunk and they are driving 6 hours to go to the resort where my husband almost died for my father in laws retirement party. And they are living their lives like he never had the accident and that he is ok. She couldn’t believe what she heard and said I need to divorce him since I have 2 girls they may have relationships like ours. I thought I was incapable oftaking care of myself. She asked me what do I want to do. I said I wanted a divorce and she said ok. My sister, mom, and uncle are paying my attorney fees for the divorce and I was feeling out the paperwork and it asked if I wanted to go back to my maiden name. And I realized I have a choice do I want to stay the person who I become when I took my husbands name with low self esteem, unhappy and who never laugh. Or do I want to go back to the person I was with my maiden name who was independent who loved life and laughed. My sister kept telling me to get a job and I told her I have no experience I haven’t had a job since I had my daughter 11 years ago. All I have done the last 4 years is sub as a teachers aid. But I made a choice go back to my maiden name and be the independent person I was 15 years ago. I called a temp agency to get some experience. I called the school and asked if they could give me a reference and they said absolutely. I went into my interview as the person I was before I got married. She was so impressed she sent my resume over to a office and she called me last night and said they wanted to meet me. My sister and my friends are telling I am strong, I can do this and they are proud of me. I may not get this job, but it is ok because there may be another one out there that will be the right fit. Just having someone who wants to meet me is a big step. You do have a choice, remember that. They have the disease not us so why should we live like we are the sick ones.

  • Heaven

    Elisabeth & Me:::::::I humbly thank u both for taking the time to write something for me to be able to hold onto, to draw strength from. I appreciated the thoughtful intention behind your choice to share your words with me. I had such an incredibly horrible evening because of my boyfriend. I read and read and read until some kind of comfort set in & I was somewhat able to allow myself a small amount of rest before waking up for work. This is all so unbelievably challenging and overwhelming. I oftentimes feel as if I must be experiencing something that idiot even real because the magnitude of anger, threats, control and violence become so all encompassing, it doesn’t seem possible that this is my life. That I have tried to make it better, I have tried to leave, I have tried to understand, I have tried so many things and I. The meantime, I am falling apart & it’s all in secret…only 1 of my sisters knows a lot of what happens to me but still, not everything. I feel so guilty telling her and causing her worry, as if I am her burden @the age of 36…I feel very down but better, in a way, because I have expressed myself and because 2 kind souls reached out 2 me…letting me know I am not alone, even if I feel that way. I pray for my own strength to return to me. I was very proud of myself once.

  • Elisabeth

    Heaven – When you feel like you can, you should call a domestic violence hotline. I bet they can help you even more to see your situation more clearly and find answers. It sounds like you live with a violent A, which means you are in danger. Don’t take your own safety lightly, please. Another website to check out is

  • Karen2

    Heaven, Sounds like you are on a path of personal growth. Glad you found this site. Check in often, we’re here for you. From what I know of this group, you are far from alone, we have been there, or are there. I know I have.

    Amber, Be sure to share any good news that comes your way. I like what you said about taking back your maiden name. Best wishes coming your way. Karen

  • Bruce

    Heaven, you are not alone. Ive not been on this site much since my Alcoholic/drug addicted girlfriend passed away. Like Elisabeth said find a domestic abuse hotline to call. Or go to a Al-Anon meeting. Is there a church or some other religious place you can go to? Don’t be afraid to tell your sister everything. You need to protect yourself in every possible way. Just about everyone on this site has had a variation of problems with their alcoholic. And it all boils down to just one answer. The alcoholic is the problem. Not us. Hang in there. Bruce

  • Julie

    Heaven: You will receive many responses from people who are either currently living or have lived under the circumstances you talk about regarding your abusive alcoholic boyfriend. Your boyfriend sounds like he could be my ex-husband’s twin brother. Notice I said ex-husband. My ex had me at the same level of self esteem that you are now. The further down you go the more he can control you. I also loathed myself because I accepted his behavior as part of his “disease”, and was waiting for him to hit rock bottom, go to treatment for the fourth time and attempt to get sober again. NOT! About 2-1/2 years ago I hit rock bottom in my ability to cope with him and his problems. I ran out of gas, both spiritual and physical. The divorce was final about 1-1/2 years ago. It was a nightmare due to his vicious behavior, both emotionally and financially. Somehow he managed to find another woman to take him in. She drinks, smokes pot and gambles like he does. What I am getting at Heaven is that low and behold I found another life away from an alcoholic, even though it took a couple of years for me to clean up the financial mess and nurture my spirit back to health, which I am working on now. I think I went down just about as far as you can go. Please don’t let that happen to you. Find the courage and strength to help yourself. You are probably suffering from the tunnel vision where you don’t see any options due to your emotional distress. Talk to a counselor or go to Alanon. You don’t have to feel obligated to take care of him if it is killing you. You are not married and it doesn’t sound like you have any children, so those hooks are not in you. Even if you have to have the police escort you to a woman’s shelter, do it. If your boyfriend is anything like my ex-husband, he will never change. Best of luck. Sending you love and encouragement. You can do it!

  • Mark

    Hello everyone and thanks for all of the posts, support and encouragement, and for giving help when needed. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic and times have been bad for the past year. I met my GF in 2009 and she had been sober for 10 years. We met, fell in love and like every good relationship it has fell apart due to her alcoholism. She recently started drinking again (6 months ago) and frankly has made my life hell. As the sole financial provider in the relationship she has left me feeling very unappreciated, unloved and not wanted. I sleep alone, I go to work, I come home, I pay bills. That is the extent of our relationship now. She has absolutely no drive to achieve goals, get any projects complete, she sleeps or lays in bed between 16 and 20 hours a day, and I come home to a drunk. Basically she is putting me in a state of depression. She has two girls ages 13 and 10, and they are seeing her become a dud, so now they too do not try very hard to accomplish tasks and set goals. After all, Mom doesn’t why should I? And me being the step dad I don’t seem to count. I feel like I am nothing more than a bank most days. If it weren’t for the fact that I know I am the only stable figure in the girls lives I would bail on the relationship. When we first met she was happy, energetic, had goals, kept up on the house, was very positive and upbeat, glad to see me and hear from me, and now she is glued to alcohol and the mattress she has placed 2 feet from the TV in the living room. I feel like I am in a bad spot as I am not a quitter but how long can I go on with no feeling of being loved? I find myself asking *Will she ever be the person I met?*. Any comments from anyone sure would be appreciated and thanks.

  • Pez

    Me: I totally appreciated your post. I believe this is where most of us have our continued mental& emotional problems with the A’s behavior. We fail to GRASP that we are the ones in our right mind and they are in a totally different reality. You can not mesh the two until you grasp they are insane as their actions prove and their metal prosses proves. We were all fooled by the “I’ll love you forever’s, Never let you go’s; etc….. but deep down inside themselves they knew the alcohol would always come first–this is why they keep emotional distance to one degree or another. We fell in love, someone wanted us, we were blinded and ignorant of the debth the disease/addiction would go. We are all hurt/devastated because we are approaching it from a sound mind, not the mind of addiction. When we grasp that-we will be freed. They are absolutely and positively brain damaged and, it’s gets worse and worse over time Thus the 4 stages of alcoholism.

  • Julie

    Thanks, Pez, for reminding us of what we are or were dealing with. You are so right. With their addictions, they build a thick wall of denial that you cannot penetrate. And believe me, they chose their addictions over us. I wish I would have understood this sooner. I would have avoided a lot of frustration as I tried to “reason” with someone who is technically insane.

  • Pez

    Julie, What other explanation is there? None. There decisions are sooooo uncomprehensible and if we look closely we see ALL those decisions revolve around getting and continuing the drink–how horrible is that. To go to a low-life woman, humiliate themselves in front of everyone, hurt even their children, Obviously they only care about one thing and are obsessed with one thing at the cost of everything. Unimaginable to the sane mind. We think of consequenses, How we look to others, how the community may see us, If we may have hurt someone. WE care, they don’t. The drug had numbed them.

    I am a bit bummed today cause the A’s parents knew what he did this second time around–it was so obvious how could they not see and backed me. At first they wanted to remain in contact but now they are backing off not returning emails, avoidance, etc… I am bummed I not only lost him to A but also his parents. I don’t know what has changed. I just hope they will not enable him and be tough with him like I did. That is one of his only hopes for recovery. I also hear very little from his daughter which I protected for over 4 years–soooo you loose everyone around them. People you had a relationship with for years. I suppose it’s the best for me to move on but I hate it. Loosing people.

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