Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying? There lips are moving. Coping (dealing) with the lying nature of the problem drinker is better done through accepting the fact that lies are a way of life for the substance abuser. They really have a problem with being truthful about anything.

Why do they lie so much? Let’s face it, they are living in a world of denial and if we get honest enough with ourselves, we will realize that we are living in denial as well. It’s really not important to understand why they do this, just accept the fact and leave them alone when they do it.

The sooner you can accept that lying is a part of the alcoholic’s lifestyle the better you will be able to cope. Dealing with someone who is not telling the truth is frustrating because it causes us to want to argue with them about not telling the truth.

Just learn how to zip your lip.

When we stop confronting them then there will be a lot less finger pointing going on. There is great freedom to be enjoyed once we stop judging an alcoholic.

When we learn that we do not have to try and prove to them that we know they are telling us a lie, then our frustration level will go down. This will help us to also stop blaming an alcoholic for much of our stress.

What is the point of confronting an alcoholic who is lying anyway? You know they are just going to deny the truth and stand up for the false reality that they perceive to be truth. Alcoholic liars come in every shape from a teenage son, daughter, spouse, mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather.

The reason they lie so much is because alcoholics are filled with shame. Have you ever known someone who when they were a child said they wanted to be an alcoholic when the grow up? Of course not, no one sets a goal to be addicted to some type of drug or substance. The alcoholic thinks and feels as though “they” are a mistake. For that reason they will lie about countless matters.

Unfortunately, lying is a comfortable way of life for the alcoholic. The best way of coping (or, dealing) with this problem is to just accept the truth and let them tell their lies without you pretending to be the private investigator who knows what really happened.

Trust me… When you start letting go of all the things they are doing, you will start losing your temper with an alcoholic less.

Just let them live their dysfunctional life and you enjoy yours without the additional fight for the day.
Author: JC Edited by: Odum On

Alcohol Addiction Family

How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic

480 comments to Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

  • Denise

    My wonderful son sent me this. I read it every day.

    “Do not let your fire go out,
    Spark be irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps
    Of the not -quite,the not-yet, and the not-at-all.
    Do not let the hero in your soul perish
    In lonely frustration for the life you deserved
    And have never been able to reach.
    The world you desire can be won.
    It exists….
    It is real…..
    It is possible….Y
    It is yours……” AYN RAND

    My ah is a high-functioning alcoholic. Ah, yes, high-functioning. For how long? We all know if you “pickle” yourself in alcohol the brain, heart, liver,etc. start shutting down. It’s slow suicide-OUCH!!!!
    What keeps me going and staying here you wonder. My good friends. We laugh.We cry. We giggle about what we would like to do to them. We dream out loud. And when they are gone and it’s just me left to my life,I daydream about walking along the ocean in Cannon Beach, Oregon with my dogs. I visit my sons.. I know I am loved by only a few but that is stronger than the alcoholic and their misery. Try not to get caught up in that abyss.
    I do get caught up in my life and it is a good place to be. It is possible… It is yours…… Take Care Stay strong. Be smart…. Always, Denise

  • mmmm

    Chiming in on FM’s story above. I feel your pain, and Im a man with alcohlic sig other woman, I tried hundreds of meetings Alanon, and also therapists, 6 therapists in a 2 yr span, finally finding 1 good therapist who was well educated in the disease of alcoholism, (not himself>>>NOT a former alcoholic though many therapists are recovering alcoholics , i find them to be too sympathetic to the abusive alcoholic and not to me)… and set me straight. I also found Naranon a big help because my alcoholic GF mixing drugs with alcohol. I found Naranon’s literature more focused on the lies and manipulations the person does to me, while basically i was doing my best to be nice to a very abusive woman.

    With all the research I did and learned best I can say is, its like standing in front of a mack truck. The active alcoholic’s path of destruction, is very hard to get out of the way of unless i completely removed myself from her path of destruction by putting in boundaries. There’s great books and vidoes all over on boundaries. Hard rigid boundaries, and she/they will test the boundary and do anything and everything to get you to cave, but slowly but surely, the only choice for me was ultimatums, boundaries, and slowly but surely extracting myself from the abusive situation, then blocking myself from abusive texts and phone calls, blaming me for everything. Boundaries like “if you’re not in recovery I can’t talk to you” are not a bad place to start, but its a matter of “sticking to it”. They have a cunning disease, far more cunning than I, and will twist and turn your brain for sympathy,, and in my case so will any “recovering” alc or addict, so I have learned I have to stay clear of them. Note to self, recovering alcoholics dont “date” active alcoholics.

    Which leads me to my final suggestion, “Support”, I had to clean house on local friends and family who could not have any conception of what I was experiencing, and were constantly giving me bad advice, or telling me what I should do, none of which was realistically possible for me to do at the time. Equally boundaries and distancing from the active alcoholic, I had to put in distancing from un-healthy sober friends, who had no clue, thought my GF was beautiful and that I should “hang in there”..The best actual support for me was a male therapist who explained “the responsibility for the failure of this relationship lies completely with your gf %100, she has a disease which will destroy any family or any relationship, the only solution >>>when you’re ready>>>>is to get out and eventually have no communication with her. It might take a day, a year, a week, 5 yrs, but eventually you’ll find its the only solution.

    And finally the flip side, is anything we do for them, is enabling. By talking to them, cooking for them, helping them in any shape or form it is indeed enabling their disease to thrive. So our solution of “distancing” letting them alone wiht their disease helps both sides, we get clearer and they get to look at themselves. They can’t look at theirselves if we’re arguing with them 24/7. They need to be alone, abandoned by all loved ones, and figure it out….

    Good luck wiht ur journey it takes time, but there is a way out of the mess and you will feel better. I didnt follow any rules, but I made myself a good support team, eventually i found myself “needing” to speak to her much less. One more thing if it helps, they’re into this “lifeline” thing. No matter how much they actually threaten you, if you put some distance, they will always take or call, sooner or later, they are lonely and alone, and rarely rarely terminate completely, even if they say they will. So as you put your distance in when you’re ready and you hear the threats, try not to take it too seriously..,,they dont mean what they say and its not personal. Its the disease talking, not the person. But for us to get clarity, we gotta get some distance and healthy support in our lives and go at our own pace.

  • Lisa


    The alcoholic in my life is not my husband or boyfriend, we are BFF( or so he says )with benefits and roommates. We met 3 years ago and after we became roommates he told me he was an alcoholic. I didn’t believe him as he was/is a high functioning,never missed a day of work and always seemed to do a great job. The sad thing is I love him( I’m in love with him) but he has told me he is actively looking for the love of his life and wants me to do the same. I can’t even being to tell you how much money he has borrowed from me and now that he is working (had been out of work since December 2014) and making twice as much as I do, and made promises once he got back on his feet financially would be contributing to the household expenses. Now all I hear is that he has other expenses he has to take care of and gives me just barely enough so I won’t start bitching( I am the path OF least resistance for him). He always has enough $$$ for cigarettes and his booze. I know he’s using me ,and that hurts so bad. I know I can’t change him and the only person I can change is myself. I feel so stupid, ashamed and embarrassed. I’m so depressed and not sure what it’s going to take to life this dark cloud that has been hovering over me for way to long.

  • Jane

    How do you leave when you have a child. So say you divorce. He will still have the child every other weekend. But you won’t be there to supervise. The child will be left with a drunk. How can a drunk take care of a child. I feel stuck either way.

  • Pez

    Jane, read my post on the former page about how to leave an alcoholic and keep your child from him. you need evidence that he is an active alcoholic and unfit to have your child alone with him the courts want evidence! I go further into what you need on the page before this one.
    Mmmm: loved your post! everything you said is so true! I especially was impressed that you found counselors and others are more sympathetic to the alcoholic then the victims of their abuse. I totally agree with you. I think very few people can remain in a relationship like this and not be damaged or destroyed! some encourage you to stay in a relationship with the alcoholic even though they know the odds of recovery are so minimal. personally I do not recommend staying with an alcoholic to anyone. love your life more, want more, live more, be happy more. Leave. yes it’s a hard road but much happier on the other side when you get through it.

  • Paula

    The alcoholic lives in a fantasy especially as soon as they take that first drink, so the only time to talk to them is when they are sober. There is no point in trying while they are under the influence. The only thing you can do is be a constant. Allowing lying to continue is allowing a fantasy to continue. Always be respectful, and remind the alcoholic that when you confront them that it is not out of judgement, but instead because you love them and you can’t allow them to live in an enabling fantasy. If they are willing to involve you in their lies such as the secrecy from family and friends, tell them you won’t lie for them, it isn’t helping them. The devil plays in the secrecy, and that is a big part of the alcoholism keeping it’s grip on a person. Hide her car keys, the second you suspect she is drinking. If you decide to stay in that relationship you have to accept that the alcoholism will likely always be a big factor in your lives, ask yourself if you are up for it, and it’s okay if you aren’t. do what you have to do, she likely has to hit rock bottom before she will be ready for change, trying to keep it from happening is only prolonging the inevitable, I’m sorry to say.

  • Thank you Pez and everyone posting tonight!!!

    I am just in awe as to how debilitating this disease is to the spouse/family member of the alcoholic. I have gone through so many stages of emotions and I am still going through it. I’m not sure what you would call the stage I am in now, but I can say that I still feel love for my husband but I no longer feel like showing it? I don’t have much to say to him anymore and I only feel great when I think about life away from him!!! I’m up and down but stronger than I was last year! I have been posting on here since probably last August…. If any of you feel like reading about my situation, look back under the post named “how did your life change after going to alanon if I remember right, or how to cope with an alcoholic husband.. Something like that. I am all over! Lol!

    Right now I am just trying not to let myself get caught up in his attempt to seek help now that he is in trouble with the law and needs me more than ever mood he shows me. Now, he is trying to somewhat be cordial and nice and trying to have small talk with me when before he got pulled over he didn’t come home or if he did it was at 2,3 or 4am in a drunk crazy rage, loud nasty and verbally abusive or just intimidating. I am just tired of forgiving him just to end up whenever it comes around again… hurt and disappointed. I usually would be back to being nice loving, concerned, forgiving and patient after another one of his many disrespectful acts but this time I am so hurt and just so convinced that not only is my husband living two lives but I think he is so used to disrespecting me that he won’t stop nor does he care. I don’t think he wants this marriage nor to be a “real full time dad and husband.” He is the one that commits the crime yet he finds a way to make me look like I’m the one with the problem and that I’m the one crazy! He comes home angry at me for no reason and sometimes wakes up angry at me because I won’t communicate with him anymore nor am I in the mood to make love to him especially after recently disappearing for days and showing back up at home in time for his dui hearing. His excuse to me was “I went camping/fishing!” When he told me that, I knew it was time for me to get my little girl and get far away from him.

    I am working on compiling evidence but my question is- What do I do when the people that have witnessed the alcoholic events my husband has committed are HIS friends and family. I have a few family member that I have talked to about the different events that has happened but no one has actually been involved like his friends and family… I tend to reach out to his family and friends more because they know him and I guess I hope that they could help me knock some sense into him! Unfortunately that doesn’t work because a lot of his friends and family that know he is an alcoholic enable him and blow his actions off as grief and just need to release!!!

    There are a couple of his friends that have not only told me about my husbands affairs and actions but has helped me when he had disappeared for days leaving me with a new born and now 13 month old toddler.

    If you have any advice on how to proceed without witnesses or how do I convince his friends and family to be a witness for me when they themselves have said I deserve better.

  • mmmm

    Hey Pez, thanks for your post too. I’ve come to the theory that unfortunately the relationship I thought i was signing up for with this incredibly charming funny seductive woman, who seemed to cling to my every word, was a sort of sales pitch of the disease. They are very convincing that they’re into you, and once they got you sold, then the bad stuff starts to happen, then they sprinkle “just enough” good here and there to keep you hanging in, but gradually it gets worse and worse, and never better.
    One friend of mine who had this problem with his wife told me his shrink (i guess a good one), told him “sounds like your relationship is getting progressively worse and never better”.
    I like that line, and I think these sort of alcoholic vs non-alcoholic partner relationships, eventually cross a point where its “all bad”…and never better, but maybe they are attractive, or highly sexual or something that we continue to be seduced by, but i think to tell you the truth, our self-esteem has been so trashed by the roller-coaster that our heads are spinning and we dont know up from down or how to get out.

    My own experience once I started to attack, the drinking/drug use, head-on, thats when the nicey nicey alcoholic got very defensive, and nasty and started to back off (as predicted by my therapist). You can fight about their lying, their cheating, their deceptions, their omissions of truths, but since their whole life leads to, and revolves around the desire to get wasted, once you start “poking the beast”, like i described “how many meetings you been to in the past week, or I can’t talk to you unless you’re in full time recovery”, they start to run for the hills…..of course they will work the denial you “i dont have a problem, i hardly drink, I had one glass of wine, my doctor gives me this zanax–its medicine its not drugs”, but if you hold strong, and start going a day, 2 days, 3 days of blowing them off, they likely will cheat more and find a new enabler and eventually, you’ll be free.
    For me the problem of just listening in the 12 step rooms, is every situation is unique, and it was hard to find men who could be honest in a public setting. I call it getting wimp-ified. I was totally wimp-ified, by this woman…until i started standing up for myself. Also journaling, makings lists of what happenned, and who’s fault it was. Yea maybe I yelled or cursed thats not cool, but being cheated on is not cool either and is far worse. Receiving cell phone pics of her with another guy in a pool, was not cool, “its just a friend, his wife took the picture”. Tell ya the truth, someone who does that to me, deserves to be yelled at. IT IS “OK” for me to stand up and not take the abuse.
    well ya know there’s also an expression gaslighting, its a form of manipulation. When my self esteem was so down I began to question my own perception of reality. I was told “you’re imaginging things MMMMM”, etc…

    The drinking drugging is the symptom of the problem, its a disease of the attitude not of the substance. I wanna add %90 of the time she is not fall-down drunk or wasted, quite articulate in fact, quite functional, but the compulsive liar and manipulator, and extremely cunning, non-intoxicated or not. What I’ve learned to beiieve is they need to be in program for the rest of their life and working all aspects of it, for the attitude to stay in line, its nothing to do with not drinking. They need to be called accountable by their peers in AA or NA, on a daily basis, or they will revert back to their old ways.

    Other tidbit I learned, after being mis-informed. 90/90 means nothing, its at least 5 yrs of heavy program work before the attitude really starts to get healthier, and I’ve met plenty who are 8, 10, 15, 20 yrs in program who are quite selfish and self centered. So its not a “magic bullet” that they go to meetings and suddenly get better, no no no no. BETTER for them? YES,,,they will die if they keep drinking, but believe me, we sig others are LAST on the list of things that will improve.

    FIRST PRIORITY in their recovery is NOT DYING….GOOD FOR THEM, YES, that alone will not heal relationships, but doesnt leave much hope for me to have a relationship with such a person. They learn to prioritize recovery, instead of prioritizing drink/drugs. For me, I want a woman who can have a 50/50 relationship with me. I dont wanna wait 5 yrs for the possibility that she might be normal and likely date guys in program in the mean time…

    I’ve heard dozens of stories of that “they understand me better”, from people involved with alcs who start recovery. All the cheating and lying does not stop overnight, and usually the relationship prior to recovery does not surive anyway>>>we the sober partner have a new problem, they’re now hanging out with recovery people men or women everynight, , so whats the point in hanging around?

    In 800 or so meetings of alanon I have not heard of 1 relationship surviving recovery. This is only my experience. My humble observation of their version of ammends is its like a fender bender, all the devastation they caused we victims, now gets reduced (maybe years down the road, many steps before ammends), gets reduced to “im sorry”……and they are told its for them, not for us. Besides that their denial prevents them from remembering the devastation they caused, and “if they look at it too much” they might drink again, so its lose lose for the sig other, win win for them because they don’t die.

    Hope im not too blunt. This is only my observation/opinion of what i’ve learned, its about them now and its all about them later. Its an impossible win for the sober partner.

  • Pez

    Mmmm I absolutely and totally agree with you 100%. I took my ex back twice, unfortunately. and the same thing over and over again. I never minced words with him, I told him exactly what I thought of him and his actions! I told him he was despicable liar excetra excetra excetra. I don’t believe being kind help these people maybe a few. but these people need the blunt and honest truth on how their alcoholism affects others. when you are kind to them and forgive them they just take advantage of your kindness. every darn time! and I agree with you about the recovery process. I’ve been through enough with my Xab and recovery can be just as grueling. I was not willing to waste anymore of my time. they are lost souls all you can do is pray for them. drunk or not everyone is accountable for their actions. drunkenness is not an excuse to lie, cheat, steel, manipulate, intentionally hurt others, and on and on. no excuses! I definitely am on your train of thinking mmm.

  • mmmm

    Patricia, Sorry i wrote mine and missed yours, i dont wanna hog space here at quick glance from your article what jumps out to me is lack of YOUR support, his family and friends are fundamentally his people and its gonna be hard to extract support from his people who are all enablers. The other thing i notice is how he’s convieniently nice when he’s in trouble, and treating you slightly better>>>but degrading and abusive at the same time, my thought is the way my therapist put it, they operate 24/7 on want and need, its the only way they function.
    Any niceness is enabling by us, thats all i know. talking to them is enabling their disease to thrive, and allows them to get away with one more thing.

    Evidence I’d say would be pictures, audio tapes, video tapes, secret tapes of the abusive talk…..and try reading up on boundaries with alcholics, and one great book “the emotionally abusive relationship”, the title is simply that, and look up the phrase “gaslighting”, this is where they make us think we’re the crazy one.

  • Pez

    Patricia, I absolutely agree with What mmmm said! stay away from his family and friends and don’t let them know what you’re doing! they could very easily turn on you I’ve had it happen to me. blood is thicker than water watch your back. I agree videotapes secret camera the DUI will be can be used in court. documentation of events and dated in a diary of abusive behavior.

  • Thank you mmmm and Pez!!
    I’m feeling more and more empowered as I read your replies and post of others. I will not let his friends and family know what I’m doing. I have in the past mentioned feelings of divorce to one of his friends that has been very helpful when my husband disappears! His friend doesn’t care for his drinking or actions but again he is still his friend and he still jumps when my husband calls!! I do have a journal of daily happenings from the one of his previous relapses. I was going to begin again for this current relapse but I am so tired and mentally warn out. I just don’t have the energy to write all that is happening anymore. I have been trying to record his drunk nights but my recording devices aren’t working right! Go figure!!
    I do have pictures of him passed out on the couch but can that prove drunkeness? I have copies of court date documents including his recent dui. I also have a police report from when he disappeared for four days in my car and left home with a newborn. I got a call from the police department that my car had been impounded and the person arrested wasn’t my husband but the woman he was with. They were both drunk and he had gone into the store to use the bathroom and the CHILD OF GOD!!!! Woman decided to jump her drunk but behind the wheel of my car and attempt to move it, instead she hits the trash cans and by the grace of God there was a police officer in the parking lot…. There is lots more to this story but I will end it here. I just want to know if having info of this incident will help my case when it comes to custody? I shouldn’t doubt or be afraid that the decision would go any way but right but I want to be sure I have enough evidence prove he is unfit and fight his accusations of me being violent when I go off on him for emotionally, verbally and mentally abusing me and constantly disappearing and not coming home!! I have been through so much with his addiction and I have been taken to a place of hurt/ rage/ and at one point I actually thought I hated him…. I have since asked The Lord above to heal me from such pain and anger. I am not this person he claims me to be and all the times I have pushed or slapped has been during his rageful relapses.. Never any other time. I just don’t want the judge to use this against me and my little girl be taken from me when it’s my husband that is causing all the pain.

  • mmmm

    Hey Patricia, I would add that I have seen great success for women going to Alanon, who help out other women in distress, because its just more women at least in my area, especially when women are being victimized, they seem to stick together, and help new people get support..ditto naranon if drugs are part of the problem.

    and Ditto shopping for lawyers. Im convinced in just your few short words here tonight, that your husband should not be entitled to custody of the kids, and should have his feet held to the fire in court and prove he is attending and participating in recovery before any such rights of solo visits be granted. Judges arent stupid, they goal is to protect the kid. If you start to hunt for lawyers, keep hunting if they tell you anything different find another until you find one supportive (telling you how right you are instead of how wrong you are, to me thats support) If i have an alcoholic sig other, %90 of my day is being told “how wrong i am”, i dont need that thank you, I wanna be told how good I am, and how i deserve to be happy…, and again some senior women in alanon might have some referrals and things.

    I believe with the right lawyer, he’d have to move out immediately and challenge you from outside while you have the kid. its not easy im sure its messy, but if you when you’re ready start to get “some distance”, you’ll start to get clarity, and your self-esteem will increase and you’ll start to realize you werent so bad as he made you out to be.

    Its a journey, not a race, nothing happens overnight. the hidden camera stuff isnt that easy, or really crucial, if its complicated dont worry about it. You KNOW whats going on, and can articulate it to the right authoritys im sure when you’re ready and the time is right. I think that incident and you being an honest sober person telling it will certainly help your case.

    My opinon the sober parent, has a responsibility to protect the child from harm, with my GF her wack-a-doo (separated husband), leaves her with the kid 24/7 and thats a disgrace that he doesnt care enough about the kid to leave the kid alone with his wasted ex wife, who is sexually promiscuious too and in my opinion in-appropriate contact with her own kids, things normal moms dont do..

    Alcohol, drugs and sexual promiscuity, are total red flags for child services and judges, they do not like that in my opinion.

  • Mmmm…
    Thank you so much!!!
    I truly feel better even as tonight being another night where my husband is absent and when I seen him last he was borderline drunk! I’m just tired and ready to get away from him. I just want to find a place for me and my little girl and never look back! Is it ok to move out and find a place even though we are married and then file for separation or should I file first then move???

  • Bill

    Patricia, I was advised by my attorney to not move out of the house, but tell my spouse to move. We owned our house. It’s my understanding that the courts will do what is best for the child when deciding who gets to stay in the home. Usually the mom and kids get the house and the husband has to move out. Consider consulting with an attorney as soon as possible. Usually the initial consultation is free, be sure to ask when you set the appointment.

  • B

    When the student is ready, the teacher will appear… just got this message and couldn’t be more appropriate. My wife of 9 years is about to file for divorce because of a number of reasons… while there are 3 sides to every story (mine, hers, and the truth) and reasons for why we do/say/act a certain way – I fully admit I’ve failed my wife repeatedly over the course of our relationship – primarily financially. In addition, we’ve had numerous altercations, many verbal, some physical – ALL of which I’m completely disgusted and ashamed…

    While I know that I’m perfectly imperfect in many ways, I have ALWAYS hated the very nature, actions, etc of the AH (my soon to be ex-wife) you so eloquently and perfectly described in your article.

    In addition to everything everyone listed in their comments, it’s also beyond frustrating when the AH drinks to oblivion every night, constantly drives everywhere wasted, tries to “hide” empty bottles in the dresser, trunk, behind furniture, etc, etc, and FORGETS about them (because they passed out), and launch the most hateful verbal attacks, etc – and conveniently “can’t/don’t/won’t remember ANYTHING the next morning when they ask “what happened?” or “was I ugly, hateful, asshole?”… to which you explain and THEY then get angry at YOU for filling them in on THEIR F#@%ed up behaviors!?!?

    Sad… she’s even had no problem saying/admitting “at least I’m a high-functioning/intelligent AH who can keep everything running/covered around here!”…

    Yeah… something to really be proud of and brag about… sad

  • mmmm

    Im reminded of one thing I hear often from the few men I’ve come across that their alc sig other woman/wife, etc…was extremely pretty or attractive in their eyes.
    Considering the fact they the alc considers (ed past tense), my holding her accountable, to equate me to being a bad guy, holding her accountable like the police would or child services would, or any judge. I was told Im mean, im too serious, Im too straight, I was told “people dont do that”, I was told “everybody says you’re wrong”, i was told “you’re the only one who thinks such and such is wrong”….and these are all methods of manipulation i really had never been exposed to.

    They’re like a cruise missle, out to seek and destory, every ounce of self worth I have, and then they start getting worse and worse and worse in the abuse. Im curious about B’s post if your wife will actually file for divorce, my experience with them is they never follow thru on the threats because the only important thing to them is how wasted they can get that particular day and who they will get wasted with. I kept asking my finally good therapist, why do I have to put the boundaries, and make the break, why can’t she block my number tell me to take a hike, why do I have to initiate it, he said its because of the lifeline thing. They know they’re messed up, and no matter what they keep a lifeline, I guess he would say, if the alc feels its in her needs to divorce she will divorce, but not because of anything we do. They are totally totally wrapped in self 24/7 and every decision and move is made to secure the addiction, the lifestyle of drinking, drugging etc…

    In my case, i blew up and blasted those around her and blasted her on the actual addiction, where the need to keep the addiction going superceded the need to keep me in her life, thats how my therapist explains it. She’s surrounded by enablers who are addicts and alcoholics and completely unhealthy, BUT none of them give her a hard time about drinking drugging or promiscuity, including her separated husband. So whats the advantage to her being bothered with me, who eventually became the outspoken “you gotta get recovery’ boyfriend, it lowered her Priority to need to “work me over”, she’s gotta plenty of other willing participants, men and family, and she’s basically an unsupervised alcoholic got the house to her self with a little kid at home and money flowing in from ex hub,. Who is “MMMMMM” to dare give her a hard time.

    YET YET YET, she still won’t block my number, amazing, so she keeps the lifeline open even though we dont talk. The other major phrase I learned was “controlling my own agenda”, not allowing the alcoholic to run the show, run the relationship…….they are used to controlling everything and everybody, this move by me was a big boundary. I do not have to answer the phone, when she or anybody else calls, if its not good for me. I took control of my own agenda. this made her nuts too, and contributed to her finding new enablers, and eventually she gave up trying to manipulate me, cause it wasnt working.
    Another great trick that worked for me, was asking her to sign a written agreement with my terms and conditions to have a relationship with me. I used this as a boundary. They are so used to controlling, and manipulating but they are also paranoid to sign anything, so this worked quite well. I mailed the terms and conditions to be signed and initialed and didnt take her calls for around 3 months (until it was good for my agenda, and i had more clarity). Sure she would love to talk about the terms and conditions on the phone, fight, arugue, hang up and so forth, but what about signing them? They like to talk talk talk and DO NOTHING. Its why I would love to hear about an alc “actually” intitiating and “finalizing a divorce”. My hunch they wanna do it to threat, to manipulate to dominate, but they are such cowards and the #1 priority is what to drink or drug, they will not sign, or actually do anything.

    I wish I could say in 800 meetings or so I met dozens of people who’s relationships survived, but I have not. This is the first time i’ve spoken about this in a while. My last attempt at communication with her was June 27, absolute disaster. She will only play ball if I unconditionally accept her drinking drugging and promiscuity. I know i can’t handle it. Only one who couldn handle her would be another alcoholic/addict, cause they would just cheat right back. Im slowly losing interest, on my schedule, my dime, my agenda.

  • Sally

    It’s been a while since I’ve been on this site, but I see it’s still doing others the good it’s done me. I found this site when I was making up my mind whether to leave my alcoholic boyfriend of 5 years. I read every article and so many of the comments – and it helped me see life with a drunk much clearer. This site more than any other helped me connect the dots and make the decision that was right for me.

    Easter 2011 I was so in love with a drunk, but a drunken brawl with his grandchildren in the house was the last straw. Nothing about the relationship was good for me, and I didn’t like who I was when I was around him. I made my plans to leave and it took me 9 months to get everything arranged to where I could walk away. I hated that I had to go, but the bad times so outnumbered the good. But I did it. I grieved for a long time and I’m coming out on the other side whole and at peace.

    I know how hard it is to love or have a close relationship with a drunk. I know how hard it is when there are children involved. I know how scary the unknown is. I know the guilt that comes with leaving. But I also know it was the best thing I have ever done for me. I don’t get sick anymore. I sleep well. I have good times with my family and my friends. And life is GOOD again.

    Some of the names here I recognize and some are new. I hope you find the support here that I did. There are wise and good people here. My thanks to you all.

  • Pez

    My XAB was extremely handsome to me. when sober we had magnificent times. but the days of sobriety for the weeks we’re nothing compared to the amount of time drunk. when drunk it was as you said chaos. if they can, they will keep you on the line and use you til there’s nothing left! I am the one who blocked my ex. a few dozen out of 800 meetings is not a lot of success.

  • We live in a apartment in which he pays the rent. This month he decided to drink and gamble the money away so the check he wrote for the rent of course was returned! Our rent is 1900!!! I don’t make much and have my portion of bills that I try to keep up with. I asked him if he could give me a little extra to buy things for me and baby and instead he said he didn’t have it because he account was overdrawn before he got paid and was short after paying rent and his few bills. Well, the same name night he went out gambled and got drunk! This is why I was wondering if I could just move out and file for separation. I don’t talk to him anymore. He sits in the living room while I stay in the bedroom in the evening. What really gets me is that he actually will not make any effort to talk to me about what is going on and where we stand in our marriage? He is acting like I should be the one running after him! And what really gets me is that he actually decided that he wants to take me and baby to a local circus tomorrow! He hasn’t been home nor have we done anything as a family in months…. I take it since he had to have a interlock device placed he wants to try to be normal! I have had it! I have gone through this vicious cycle long enough! I’m tired of supporting him, forgiving him, loving him and caring about him!!! I’m tired of the restart of detox/treatment/groups half apologies empty unfulfilled promises/suspicious driven attitudes, always walking on egg shells and him making me feel like I’m the problem! He is still drinking actually drank a few coolers while he drove to have his interlock installed! I’m just sick and tired of him… He actually had the nerve to say to me today that “Everything will get better” yeah right!! He says that at the end of every horrible relapse that is worse than the last or just the same! I can’t even look at him! I know he is using me for sex… I mean he is always drunk doesn’t come home decently nor does he act as if he cares. I’m always home being a wife and mother respecting my marriage while I never know what my husband is doing or where he is. He doesn’t care about my needs but when he gets the notion he wants to be intimate and if I act like I’m not interested(which im not) then he acts like I’m treating him bad and depriving him!!! I just want to pack up me and baby and leave with no problems and have the courts make him pay what is due to me and baby so we can get on with our lives!!! My husband is 53 and I am 33! I feel like I married a kid!!! Help!!!

  • I also get stuck with the feeling of guilt when I think about leaving him while he is yet again trying to get better. What should I do. Yes I am tired of the same ol cycles! But I have always been the one to try and give chances!! I now get what Pez is saying about us being the lifeline. I’m starting to believe that if I actually leave he will only be mad because there is no one else in his life yo care for him like I do nor will anyone challenge is madness like I do!! I think he holds onto me because I’m familiar I’m already aware of his mess and he is already set in his ways and knows he has someone that has continually picked up the pieces after he threw the glass at ME!!! (Figuratively speaking!) I’m just done!!!! I just hate the whole being done process!!!

  • Hi,
    When you are scolling reading other’s posts do you feel like you are reading about yourself? That how I feel. It is amazing how similiar all of our stories are. It is the same cycle of lies, drunken fights, putting up with their selfishness and the empty apologies that happen with the small window of time that they are not drunk or high. I have read about many men/women who stayed for more than 10 years and all I can say is how did you do it? 2 years living with an AB was enough for me, I have seen within myself that I am 100% more calm and happy since I got him out. He was nothing but toxic for me. I can leave the house and there is no more anxiety about what I am coming home too. I think about all the weekends where ( I am early to bed early to rise) I would get up early rearing to go and I had to wait until 2pm when HE decided to wake up so I could get some cleaning done and laundry. God forbid I make noise in the morning and wake him up when it was perfectly fine for him to wake me up several times per week at 2am 3am with his drunken antics, the most common were breaking glass and cooking food. Nope, I have left that life in the rear view mirror and will never look back.
    It is funny though, I refuse to speak to him, we have got into just 3 fights since I kicked him out via text message and I said to him ” I deserve WAY better” and his reply to me was ” Same here.”
    That made me laugh………Good luck finding better than me, it’s not going to happen. But you know what? He is no longer my problem and I am just glad I got him out when I did.
    Thanks for listening.

  • Teresa

    Patricia, go back and read all your posts… Honey, it’s a cycle, a vicious cycle. He gets mad at you, you feel guilty…. It’s what he is counting on happening so you stay. What proof do you have that he is trying to do better? Drinking before he gets the interlock installed in his car is not proof! Yes he depends on you, but it’s not because you can make him better or help get over this… He needs you to enable him, pay the bills when he drinks the rent away… I’ve heard all the apologies, the “it won’t happen again” , I’ll be home in an hour only to not see him until 230pm the next day, the black outs at 11pm only to be awaken by him at 5am for sex… When I realized my needs werent being met, that I was miserable, unhappy and nothing I did, said or tried was going to change him I decided to change me. Myself and my children are more important than any false promises of it wont happen again, HE WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL HE IS READY! And he may never be ready. Addiction is a powerful thing, sadly more powerful than any love anyone can show to him. Ask yourself this…. Who do you love more, yourself and your child or your alcoholic? Do you want to be in this place next year? In 5 years? Look at yourself and ask why you stay? Is it because your comfortable? Because you know atleast here you know what’s going to happen as opposed to going out on your own and being afraid of how you’ll make it with a small child? It’s a great fear of being on your own and trust me when I say your alcoholic knows this!!! He counts on it!
    I wish for you clarity, courage and strength to do what’s best for you and your child!

  • B

    Hi mmmm,

    Thanks for your reply/message/insight…

    And yes, she would/will have no problem following through on her threats (divorce ), as “I’M the reason for ‘everything’ shifty in her life, have never contributed one thing of value to our relationship, etc, etc, etc… EVERY conversation, concern, problem, issue, fight – ALWAYS circles back around to me being the universal variable in her f###ed up life/habits/addiction equation!

    Add to that she’s always made more money than me – which initially wasn’t an issue for either of us (so SHE said/lied about), and NOW uses that as THE primary motivator and trigger for being pissed off, slamming me, and “doing her alcoholic/smoking/lying/fighting, etc” thing…

    Perhaps a/any woman can shed some insight, or clarify for me… if she makes more money than me, AND on many occasions SHE has encouraged me to handle /focus on the “other” things to “take care of us” (clean, laundry, handyman/construction, handling our now 3 year old, etc, etc, etc) – “because we both have our strengths”, etc, etc…

    I guess that’s always been a GIANT crock of bullshit/lies, because ALL I hear now is how much NOTHING I’ve ever done in our relationship, and how worthless I am, and “I can do all this shit, or hire somebody to do what you do, and not put up with your bullshit, etc, etc, etc.

    You know, stuff that really makes a.person feel all warm-n-fuzzy, appreciated, respected, and loved.

    Whatever… sad

  • mmmm

    Hi B, I have one or two male friends, who have been in this situation, only one with some program awareness via naranon, but anyway, we use the term “wimp-i-fied”, I confess that I became a complete wimp, subject to the constant abuse, and believing everything was my fault. YET this is/was the only person on the planet to tell me “how wrote I am”, or “how bad I am” or how crazy i am, funny that my long time ex who’s not alcohoic and her gigantic family didnt think i was so bad, funny how my large corporation friends think im ok, but this woman seemed to thing im dangerous for her “like a drug dealer”, is what her drug addict cousin told her….Im certainly not a drug dealer, i dont do drugs, but what was happenning was I was shifting the agenda of my GF getting her “maybe” in the direction of recovery took her to meetings found her not only 1 but 2 therapists, which is not only a threat to “her disease”, but a threat to all the leeches and enablers who are PART OF HER WORLD….so basically “get rid of this guy (me” was the orders…

    Ultimately the disease functions much more intelligent than I or any sober person can possibly think, everything to protect the disease….so all my efforts were failed and only wimp-i-fied me subject to further abuse.

    What you describe with your wife making more money, sounds like its a perfect control thing for her and a perfect setup for wimp-i-fication, by a guy being with a woman who makes more money than him if she’s an alocholic. My one friend who has no program exposure, and i met mid=stream all this, had 2 very weatlhy women who basically sucked him in and tossed him out on the street when they found new enablers (one met a guy in a recovery meeting and she said he understands her better, i’ve heard that line at least a dozen times).
    Its nice to be nice, its nice to think, that our goodness will trump all spiritually but realisitically, people try to be nice to psychopaths before they are murdered and it doesnt do much good. Once I got my nerve on and good support, and started to make lists of good and bad things about her, and then made a terms and conditions list, I started to break free.

    My therapist says he would rather have cancer than the disease of alcoholism. BAD therapists is a whole other story, but he’s the first one to tell me HE DOES NOT TREAT ALCOHOLISM, therapy IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE TREATMENT FOR ALCOHOLISM OR ADDICTION, only AA or NA are…..he will treat other issues alcoholics have but ONLY if theyb are working the program full time, otherwise he won’t see them BECAUSE he too with 45 years of practice admits he is not smarter than their disease.

    YES i found her 2 therapists, complete waste of time. She converted them to enablers, and turned them against me, then later brought her separated husband in for counseling to the therapists I found her, which in hindsight was her goal all along, to keep him lifeline, keep his money flowing in and never ever ever divorce him, meantime she played me quite well….until i wouldnt allow it anymore and stuck boundaries in with my list examples of my list were:

    1-no communication until you show me your phone bills of when i could not reach you.
    2- A divorce decree, or note from your separated husband that he gives you exclusive permission to visit me. (he had caused a terror on one prior visit).
    3- During your visit to me you will have no communication with your cousin, you will be STD tested prior to the visit, and you will attend AA/NA meetings while you’re visitng me.

    4- you will not communicate with any of your wack-a-doo family members, only your sons.

    In other words, message delivered, and of course she’s not gonna sign any of that. What about STDS? Am i the only person who realizes that promisicious behavior can result in STDS? Its no joke. Once I realized the promiscuity was real, I put that in.

    None of these issues would be a problem for a normal sober healthy adult.

  • B

    Thanks for the insight…

    I have no program (AA/NA, etc), so I’m out of the loop re: steps, guidelines, suggestions, boundaries, etc.

    I JUST got this ball of sh## dropped on me yesterday!

  • mmmm

    I hear ya B, i mean for my sake a good therapist, and Alanon, Naranon, also Coda helped me alot. There’s alot of good articles here, and also stuff all over the web about boundaries, and most important getting a good support system. Some articles about “breaking up with a narcissist” helped me alot too, alocholism is more complicated than nacissism, but it has alot of the same components, most important for me was getting rid of bad support, putting boundaries in with regular friends or cutting them out bad advice completely.

  • When he gets drunk he tells me “your not getting a dime!” Then he’ll say I will take care of MY BABY but that’s it you’re not getting any of my money!!

    Where does he get off saying this to me? It’s hurtful and makes me feel like he doesn’t love me or care about me.

    And is he right? When I file for separation/divorce I actually won’t get any support from him? Is that even legal??!

  • Julie21

    Patricia I am not sure how it works in your state but i am in Ohio. Mine used to say that if i ever left him he would kill me and the kids before he paid us a dime. But you know what? I went through the divorce and he stalled and stalled during negotiations and now he is paying not only current support to me and the kids but also back support for the time he refused to pay support during our divorce. I know as far as spousal support goes in Ohio whichever spouse makes more has to pay support to the other unless some other agreement is reached between the parties and the judge agrees. I have been divorced for 2 years and i do receive support when he works. Hard to keep a job when you are an alcoholic who keeps getting caught drinking on lunch hour. 🙁

  • SC

    Patricia, keep in mind that alcoholics always say mean things… that’s just what they do. He doesn’t have a choice he has to pay child support. Men can go to jail for not paying child support.

  • Thank you SC and Julie21

    I know that alcohol makes alcoholics say horrible things but there is a part of me that is starting to believe he means the things he says…. Every time he drunks he says the same mean things. I feel like I’m going numb. I’ve lost a little bit of myself dealing with his madness. I’m just tired.

    Oh by the way!! Rent still isn’t paid but I’m praying and doing what I can to keep the roof over our head after he decided that he wanted to drink and gamble away our rent this month!! This is the first time the roof over our head has been threatened. I no longer trust him at all for protection, safety, stability nor do I trust him anymore being my husband. I’m really hurt and tired this time around. I just need help and I just want out!!!

  • Pez

    Unfortunately Patricia, after being a drunk for so many years they actually become what they say they are. it becomes a new mental pathway and what they say is the truth or becomes the truth to them. Its called the Denial. please remember this disease is progressive! Meaning, not only that the problem gets worse but the mental mindset is more set in the longer it goes. that’s why some alcoholics even when they obtain sobriety do not change in their personality or their negative thinking. A dry drunk.

  • mmmm

    If i may chime in on Patricia, have you spoken to a lawyer? Usually there are many who offer free consults. Might be helpful and supportive to know your rights. There’s alot of horrible people who don’t drink, or shall i say never drank, Im weeding out unhealthy people across the board, and learning to tell myself i have rights, and i dont have to accept nonsense from ANYBODY (not just the ex gf alcoholic)….I find i am better at peace, yes maybe less people in my life, but Im more at peace. I higly suggest you call a lawyer, and get a consult.

  • Hello
    I dropped off for a bit….
    Mmmm, yes I have seen a lawyer and had my questions answered. I also have my paperwork ready to go!

    My husband is being really mean to me… Treating me as if I’m the problem! He told me “you make it worst!” I’m a wreck right now but The Lord is keeping me sane! He is the one doing all the wrong and causing the hurt and because I’m human and have feelings my reaction to his madness is causing him stress and all I do is nag nag nag!!! Mind you our rent is still not paid but he still continues to go out get drunk stay out all night with no call home! He was verbally abusive and mentally abusive to me last night and I foolishly got sucked in!! I’m so tired!! He is nicer to every friend family member and stranger than he is to me. I feel like he hates me! He says I don’t understand him. I don’t think he loves me anymore!! After all he has said and done to me why should I care? Somehow it always gets turned back around on me!! All I do is stay home take care of our one year old run errands take care of my mother cook and clean. But, he has audacity to actually make me feel like I’m unfaithful and can’t be trusted. He has nothing good to say about me and I feel like I might actually be the problem. I feel like he will be happier without me and baby. We don’t talk t each other anymore and I have no clue what he is doing or where he is on a daily basis. We don’t hug or kiss anymore and his reaction to me talking to him or trying to ask a question is to bark at me. But then he is so sweet and kind to our one year old!! It just hurts. I’m lonely, tired, emotional, confused, hurt deserted, neglected, disrespected, rejected, manipulated, and broken!! Please advice prayers anything good would help. Thank you

  • I believe in keeping my vows and honoring my marriage.

    I have not thought about another man I don’t lust after men I don’t flirt….

    But now I’m struggling with not getting on some website to have some(male) conversation. I feel horrible! My husband has done everything under the sun but here I am still faithful and honoring him! This is mainly because of my belief in God and I want to do what is right as much as possible in the midst of all the wrong… I really could use a friend!! A new friend!!

  • mmmm

    Hi Patricia, sounds like you’re making some progress. All this rhetoric from him will continue until you actually do something. Im not making a solid prediction, but I’ll just generalize and keep it about me, or “them” the active alcoholic addict. They get away with it, only what we allow them to get away with, by my lack of action. Someone once told me a good expression “victim or volunteer”, in other words for me, by staying in the day to day insanity with the gf/alc, yes, I was victimized to a degree….because I did not know better, and Im ok owning that title, even if it sounds wimpy. Yes I was a victim of a woman’s emotional abuse, yep…..So i got educated put in boundaries and slowly but surely got some distance, then I started to feel better. Plenty of times, during and subsequent to my intial distancing, I would yearn to speak to her, but at this point I started realizing Im not “volunteering” for punishment and abuse.
    In my case, in lieu of divorce papers, cause we were not married, doing “something” meant NOT>>>speaking to her, blowing off her calls, well sure suddenly they get nice, and this might happen to you, but its a lure, a bait designed to suck us back in to more abuse. I only learned by trial and error, I had to experience it myself, but once I got an awareness of this luring baiting me into an argument, I found that “not engaging” was just an easier choice. She has cunning skills, far above mine, it comes with the territory of alcoholism disease. Even now if i were to engage, I would probably experience 48 to 72 hours of insantiy MY INSANITY. Im not a robot, sure I’ll send off a text now and then but as I got to see it more objectively the respionses became more predicatble>>back to the “lifeline”. They will never let us LEAVE, we have to CHOOSE it when we’re ready.
    They are lonely and miserable, they need HUMANS, and attention, and I finally believe she likely never actually loved me, more simply loved that I was a good enabler and buying her BS…

    My guess, once you have 1 day, or 2 days free, and build up a network of healthy supportive people who understand your plight, you’ll start to have clarity.
    One other expression that helped me, “any good relationship can survive no contact for extended periods of time”. Its another way of saying if its meant to be its meant to be. You’d be amazed what not actually speaking to him or being around him for 1 day, 2 days, 3 days will do for you….1 day at a time, but we have to take charge of our life. If we allow them to set the rules we WILL NEVER BREAK free and we will never be healthy. He will likely pursue you and try to be nice, but trust me its short lived only to lure you back into for more abuse.

    Relationships worth a dime can survive a separation, this is pretty much a fact and that helped me alot. Cause I was so sure, this thing was worth saving. As I wrote earlier, I had the big fantasy she was gonna wake up and get recovery. I actually used that justification to give myself some space. Was not a bad rationale, but it just doesnt happen that way….their recovery. the percentage of them who actually “get recovery” is very small. We certainly are not the ones who are gonna determine if and when our loved one is part of the small percentage, and if when it happens it has nothing to do with us.

    Sounds like a miserable situation, I hope you get to experience some freedom soon, i promise you will feel better!!

  • mmmm

    hi patricia,

    i guess as i was writing you had written one more, about wanting a friend. I know what you mean.
    here’s one more tidbit for ya, i got to a point where I said to myself i wanna be around people who tell me “how good I am”, not “how bad I am”. I told her that too, not that she listened or gave a hoot, but really, why should I listen to her all day telling me how bad I am when actually Im not a bad guy?

    If you wanna write me welcome, we could correspond there too,

    Hang in there!!

  • Mmmm…

    Thank you so much for your advice and kind words…

    I feel horrible right now. I’m starting to feel scared to leave… I don’t know why. I also can’t wait to leave him! I’m exhausted and he isn’t helping me at all. Is it true when they say alcoholics stop maturing emotionally when they first started to abuse alcohol? My husband has been drinking since he was 18 and in the marines! He is now 53. He just seems so immature to me. My whole reason for being with an older man was for the maturity and stability of family. I feel like I’m with some mentally deranged out of control 20 year old!!

    Please tell me more about this disease and is all the alcohol or is some of it who they truly are and want to be???

    Thank you for your invite to talk…

    Also, i think I may be pregnant! I feel like a complete IDIOT!!!

  • Pez

    Patricia, you have just named the heartache of this disease. This is not who they wanted to be when they were little or what they aspired to become. I think that’s what broke my heart the most with my ex. I knew he could have been so much more. but this disease stifles Their growth and they never mature past the age that they first became an alcoholic. It may not be who they were but after years of abuse a pattern is formed in the brain and it is who they become. After 10 20 30 years of drinking do you think they can change even if they do get sober? As with any other learned behavior this would take a heck of a lot of ongoing counseling and willingness to change. Very few accomplish this. My aunt used to tell me Phyllis he is showing you who he is! A year later it finally hit me he did show me who he was or became and it was nothing like who I was. Despite the pain I left a man I loved because I know he could never love me like I needed to be loved or anyone else because alcohol was his first love. And to this day I have my moments of PTSD remembering how much I gave and how much he took. But loss is part of life right. unfortunately, one way or another we all have to deal with loss

  • mmmm

    Hi Patricia, well your welcome. Im not surprised about the possibility of pregnancy, i think i alluded to the fact earlier that sexuality is a huge manipulation for my addict.
    My opinion of the disease, is that what we see is not one scrap of who they are, not one iota. I’ve met many recovering alcs and addicts in recovery, and as I stated earlier i found them to be controlling and manipulative in recovery which the primary goal is to save their life ‘not ours”. our goal is to save our life and get our sanity back and get out of the way of this very destructive disease.

    I wake up every day in a good mood, Im generally friendly unless someone is abusive to me in regular life. Im consistent, my moods are consistent. Im either having a decent day or a crappy day. My experience with these people, is that their mood swings all over the place. I have not met one couple that survived where one person got in recovery, and I have not met one recovered person that is consistently nice like i am all the time or consistently a good communicator, or consistently responsible to me for any extended period of time. I recently had to cut communication with one local friend, non sexual female, who’s in recovery for a long time, but it became apparent to me that our friendship is basically on her rules, (just like active disease), the conversation is only what she’s comfortable hearing, and her followups on communication are sloppy at best, and this is someone who’s sober from alcohol 15 yrs.

    I wasn’t born to be someone else’s cheerleader, or rah rah rah, if they will not be there for me, or if they want to control the flow of our conversation and support me in lifes journey. Im a very responsible person and i want equally responsible people in my life, not totally totally train-wreck irresponsible people in my life, who dont care who they hurt or destroy.

  • mmmm

    I totally agree with Pez!! they’re not happy folks and not easy to be around, its a disease of the attitude, not of the substance, recovery is to save lifes, and hopefully improve the attitude, but it takes decades.

  • Thank you Pez and Mmmm…

    Thank you for judging me on the possibility of being pregnant. Believe me the nights we had relations it was him in action not me! I lost touch with sexually a long time ago but I try to be a good christian wife… There I go still trying to please my husband when I’m never pleased myself!

    I’m really scared about this possible pregnancy…

    I’m realizing more and more that I need to get away … I just wish it was easy!! He does have a dui pre trial coming up. I’m trying to stick out until then. I’m hoping the judge will impose jail time. I hate to leave him while he is locked up but it’s the only time I would be able to go in peace. Then there is this Vet court for reoffending veterans. A sympathy court if you ask me! My husband has been in trouble numerous of times and has been through all the VA treatments possible!! I don’t think they get it personally… Now he is facing a second dui and has a chance to go Scott free again because he is a veteran. I’m tired of it. He has gotten slapped on the wrist his whole addiction. I have seen him on house arrest 3 times in 2 two years currently has interlock system in his car(second time) still drinking and he continues to run to the VA for a “treatment plan” to show the judge whenever he gets in trouble! It’s insane… He actually had the audacity to tell me that our one year old is going to grow up resenting ME because he thinks I keep our daughter from him… Ok, ridiculous when we live together… Maybe if he stayed home he would actually feel like he sees her more than two or three times a week. Also, I take her to my mothers at night when I have to work because of course he has been drinking and then he may not even come home to watch her!! So he gets drunk and says nasty things about me and my family!!!! What should I do… I know I’m right to take her to my mothers but how can he actually think I’m keeping her from him because I do that?? He really thinks it’s ok to be responsible for a baby drunk!! Help!!!

  • mmmm

    Hi patricia, hope it didnt sound like i was passing judgement i was just trying to point out how they use sexuality to manipulate and control us.

    I like how you put that you hate to leave him, when he goes to jail, but if he goes to jail isnt he in fact leaving you and completely abandoning you and your family due to his total lack of responsible adult behavior? My guess all he’s gonna do inside jail is cry “poor me, poor me” and keep ya hooked in.
    I met one good young bible kid during my dilemma, I’m not super religious, but he pointed out, that god wants us to live in healthy relationships.
    I think you said you saw a lawyer, stick with whatever the lawyer says, and whatever works best for you, cuz you’re number 1 and your sanity is #1! he has his alcohol for escape, but what do we have?
    and yep you’re welcome to write me over there, anyway, hang in there!!

  • Oh mmmm….

    I’m I meant to say thank you for not judging me! Lol
    That’s what happens when you don’t proof read!

  • I mean that’s what happens when I don’t proof read!! Lol

    I’m just a mess!

  • Thank you clearing my mind on leaving him if he goes to jail! I can just hear all the judgmental comments from his friends and family yet none of them have been around for me and baby when my husband disappears or gets drunk and just abuses our marriage!! I am definitely going to stick to my guns!

    I’m not backing out! I’m just going to go through the valley knowing I will come out healthier, more peaceful, happier and energetic!! A all around better mama!! My little girl deserves a rested mommy not the over tired washed out exhausted mommy she has now due to sleepless nights with anxiety and no sleep during the day when I need to work a 12 hour nightshift!! I’m always tired!

  • mmmm

    your welcome just think about what im saying down the road, he’s not only abusing your marriage when he drinks, but he’s in the disease when he’s un-intoxicated too, when they’re not high, wasted, they are just a manipulative, and cunning as when they are wasted. I came to believe even the “nice moments” are a complete manufactured manipulation BS, to keep us baited in and enabling 24/7. My earlier point is about mood swings, let me know how many hours in a row, maybe not now but down the road, how many hours you see him actually stay in one good or bad mood. I predict its not that many hours. I counted that my ex basically has around 6 mood swings per day MINIMUM.
    How many mood swings per day do you have? I have none, im pretty consistent, good mood, polite and respectful to people I care about.

    I dont even like to use the word sober anymore. its a fallicy. I prefer non-intoxicated. Because for me sober is a state of mind and thinking, and even without drinking or drugs, they take decades to get logical thinking like the rest of us or what i prefer to call “emotional sobriety”. in narcotics anonymous they actually give a person a bag of marbles at 6 yrs, of recovery, thats when they “get their marbles back’. AA doesnt do marbles, but any seasoned veteran will agree it takes years to start to get clear thinking, and its a lifelong process for them. The process is not “being nice to us”, the process is saving their own life..

    Its the mood swings, and constant walking on eggshells that kept me sucked in, to her roller coaster. Roller coaster, Hamster wheel, and once i broke free then didnt speak to her for a while, then i did, in just a few hours i felt the roller coaster kicking back on. Its all like that Bill Murray movie, taking baby steps, eventually the freedom is better than the misery, and I really dont need someone in my head telling me how bad i am. I criticize myself alone, enough, im in-secure enough on a day to day basis, i dont need someone else to blame me, and emotionally beat me up 24/7. i just dont want it or need it anymore.

    Unfortunately it is up to we the sober friend/partner to make the changes necessary, cause the active alcoholic addict will never do it, will never initiate the move, or take an action, their only goal is to keep us sucked onto their roller coaster.

  • Thank you Mmmm….

    I appreciate your help… I feel like I need my hand held through this process I never thought my marriage of only a year would end up like this… I knew my husband had a drinking problem but I have never seen this side of him! It’s horrible! He also has ptsd! What do you know about that? Any info about ptsd related alcoholism would be great. Any experiences with ptsd?

  • mmmm

    Patricia, the disease of alcohol addiction, drug addiction if untreated “looks like” PTSD, mine cried the PTSD bs too, my therapist says its impossible to state any other psych conditions untl the person is completely clean and sober and working a daily regiment of AA for QUITE some time…
    he’s seen too many cases where when they got sober, and worked AA, all these claims of depression, anxiety, child abuse, everything went out the window, and its impossible to know if its a fabrication until they are well into recovery with a sponsor, for YEARS in AA, and COOPERATING with the regiment of AA by working steps..
    Panic, anger, rage, anxiety, all symptoms of the disease of addiction. I SAY BS to your husband!

    The only PERSON i know who got PTSD was “me” from the daily manipulation and abuse. They will cry anything they can to NOT look at the fact that they have an un-treated disease of addiction.

  • Julie21

    My children and i were all diagnosed with PTSD when we went to counseling to deal with our fears and feelings after we left the A. His abuse had caused our PTSD. Interesting how i had to remove myself and my children from the A before we could be diagnosed and get help. I agree with Mmmmmm. The addict has to be sober before they can even begin to find the cause of their drinking or other chemical abuse.

Leave a Reply