Understanding an Alcoholic’s Mind




When you are coping with active alcoholism it’s only natural to want to have a better understanding of how an alcoholic’s mind works. Because their behavior is so bizarre and an addicts thinking is dysfunctional, for some reason we expect them to act like normal human beings. Whatever that means, I am still trying to figure that one out.

If you want to have a better understanding of what an alcoholic thinks about or how their mind works I highly suggest that you attend an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting. I’m not really sure how to define exactly how the thinking process of a problem drinker works, but I can clue you in on a few things.

Here are a few things that I do understand:

  1. An alcoholics thoughts will convince them to always tell you what they think you want to hear.
  2. Very rarely will they ever admit to telling exactly how much they’ve had to drink. Depending upon who they are with, they will tell one person they only had three and to a drinking buddy it was entire case. By experience, I know that they hardly ever can keep track of this sort of thing.
  3. The road they are on is always paved with good intentions, but never leads to actually carrying them out. For instance, the active alcoholic in my life would always say that they were just going down the street to their friend’s house for a couple of hours and two days later they would make it home. I truly believe that somewhere inside that sick mind they really wanted to come home in a couple of hours. It’s just that the allurement of having an open bar down the street is an appealing proposition when you are not allowed to keep any alcoholic beverages at home.
  4. Before they take that drink, their mind will tell them that they have the will power to stop after just having one or two.
  5. Another thing is that if they get violent when the drink liquor, their rational thinking, which says don’t drink it, is not backed with enough will power to actually stop them from having the drink when it is available.

Distorted Alcoholic MindThe behavior patterns that accompany an alcoholic are very complex and difficult to understand. That’s why all of the support groups I’ve been involved with teach the technique of just letting go of the problem drinker. Understanding how an alcoholic thinks is not going to make them stop drinking or even allow you any more control over the situation than you currently have.

Knowing why a problem drinker does what they do is near impossible. The AA program will be the first to teach you that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. It’s the baffling part that fits perfect with trying to understand what an alcoholic is thinking.

Rather than trying to get a grasp on what their thoughts are, it would be better to understand your own thinking. This is why attending fellowship support group meetings for friends and family members of alcoholics will help you with. When we get an understanding of the fact that the only thinking that we have any control over or can even begin to try to understand is our own, then we can start changing. Trust me; the alcoholic in your life is not going to change until they get into recovery. Your best bet is to forget about trying to always figure out what the heck they are thinking and why because it’s just insanity anyway. Don’t expect them to be able to explain it to you because they haven’t a clue either as to why their mind works the way that it does.

130 comments to Understanding an Alcoholic’s Mind

  • Gary

    When dealing with an alcoholic there is only one choice. Get away from them.. They will not change, they will lie and deceive it is their way. No amount of love, understanding, or caring will change an alcoholic. They are under the power of a chemical that has no purpose but to alter reality. You can’t reason with a drunk, you can’t understand a drunk, and you can’t change a drunk. You can ruin your life and your health trying. An alcoholic has room for only one love in their life and that love is their next drink.

  • Matt

    @Gary

    That is utter nonsense. There are many alcoholics who have recovered and live very healthy, happy lives. If you are angry at someone in your life who hurt you, that doesn’t mean everyone is like that. Many people recover from it and have very loving relationships, regardless of what your experience may have been. There is always reason for hope in any situation.

  • Gary

    @ Matt. There are also people who walk out of Vegas rich. But they are exceptions. Because there’s a light bulb for every loser that ever hit the city limits. How is your controlling behavior working for you in your personal relationships. You wreak of insecurity and manipulation. That would work well with an alcoholic. I can see why you’re offended. Sounds like a codependent relationship made in heaven to me:-) have a nice day

  • Mark

    My 68 year old brother is a chronic alcoholic since he was 15. binge drinking, anti social behavior, manipulative, poor me “give me another drink or more money” or I will hate you forever. three wives later, drank everything into the drain. Poor me. BS!
    Well after many years of this manipulative personality, and many years of enabling this behavior giving him money to hole him over or his business, back taxes, or the dog ate my report syndrome, or some other excuse I gave up and refused to give him the $10,000 he wanted to bail out his commercial building from the tax collector. Non payment of taxes for 6 years. Its my fault, according to him for loosing his business because I did not give him the $10,000. Well I do not believe he can rehabilitate or even wants to. Just “poor me” poor me another drink or give me money or else I will create some reason to hate you forever. I tried to explain his behavior to my children who do not understand this behavior. they only see him as a nice uncle mainly because he does not try to manipulate them with poor me stores to get money to pay for more booze or who knows what.

    I am not sure what came first, the alcohol, or the manipulative personality behavior. But I have had it. I have had it because after 55 or 60 years I finally realized what he was doing.. Not fun.I really wanted to have my older brother, to be a friend, but no more. He did not care for me but only wanted my money. His social behavior is sick. I do not want to see him again. I cannot help. No more.

  • Dustin

    It’s been shown via brain scans that alcoholics have damaged brains (alcohol is a toxin to the brain, heart and liver) and their ability to exercise free will is severely diminished. Understanding this allows those in an alcoholics life to have compassion. Treatment for an alcoholic should include work to reverse brain damage (nutraceuticals, scans to detect damaged regions of brain etc) in addition to standard AA type treatments.

  • Maria

    This has been my story for 30 years until the victim slob cheated on me with a co-worker whore. There brain is just wired to feel the ultimate sorry for themselves…I was an enabler since this is what I was taught until I just had enough. There is nothing you can do for the alcoholic to please them nothing is ever enough. Everyone has a limit and mine was met the day I filed for legal separation and took the house,car and full custody. All bank accounts are in my name and he can no longer manipulate me. They have a way of making you feel sorry for them and you have to constantly be on your toes and put your feelings last since the world revolves around them it’s all about me me me! He is now in therapy,Saa and AA attempting to get his life back. Trust me they must hit rock bottom if they want to recover. Treatment is a must!

  • Erin

    If an alcoholic is willing to go to AA and admit they have a problem then I would put in the effort to try working with their behaviors. When they refuse to admit that they have a problem then I agree with one of the previous comments, it’s best to leave them. The cruelty and abuse of someone who refuses to help themselves is only going to bring me down in the long run too.

  • Linda

    This is what I don’t understand, My A is not drinking or drugging , but has the same action, and has been dry for ! year. Calls me names.

  • Mike

    Alcoholism and lying go hand-in-hand.
    They are drinking ‘liquid lies.’
    Once you get on board with their scam, you will start the path to understanding nonsense.
    It is the damaged way of thinking that led them to alcohol.
    Is ain’t alcohol that made them damaged.
    The damaged mind stared first.

  • Mike

    Alcoholics hate me, because I answered yes to every question I was ever offered to see if I was an alcoholic.
    I drank every day for years. Drove drunk. but always was happy.
    The doctor told me that it was the alcohol or my career at the fire department.
    I stopped the moment I walked out of his office.
    No AA, no group, no medical treatment.
    I made the choice.
    Not a drink for 16 years.
    The Lord was my center during all of this and now.
    I still stay focused so that it cannot sneak on me through a careless friend or a bad day.
    Always stay on guard.
    Thank you mom and dad in heaven for giving me a sense of knowing that my actions are born of my choices.

  • Ross

    Hi Linda, you didnt happen to mention if your A is in recovery-going to AA? Either way, he may likely be going through P.A.W.S.. Look it up.It has something to do with symptoms that may affect him for up to 2years
    as the brain/body heals.Also, if you aren’t familiar, look up ‘dry drunk.’
    Hope this is helpful.Also, of course, Al-Anon for yourself will be a great help.
    Ross

  • Ross

    I appreciate this article.Unfortunately I am forgetful of these things and get sidetracked by my thoughts.
    Eventually I land on some kind of recovery tools, thank God.Or at least go searching.I need to come back to this article on occasion for a reminder!
    Thanks for the information!
    Ross

  • Mike

    A good marriage is the bets thing in life, (so I am told)
    An alcoholic marriage is a miserable life, ( I can tell you)
    Please spread the word to never marry into addiction.
    I will not change.
    The only change with by you, changing for a happy person to a miserable one.
    I wish there was a man like me, who would have told me the truth of what I was getting into, instead of the men who told me, “not to judge.”
    Guess what? I didn’t judge and bought into a life of total unhappiness, everyday.

  • Dallas

    My alcoholic boyfriend is 55 yrs old, and when we got together 4 1/2 yrs ago, he wasn’t drinking when we met. We dated for a year prior to me moving in, and he didnt drink. I drank socially and that was all. When I moved in, he started drinking 1 year later, and I didn’t have a clue he had a problem. He always said he stopped drinking after his mom passed, and it didnt sketch him feel good. I now know he’s had a drinking problem in the past and I met him in a dry phase. He is in denial and says he enjoys drinking. I keep praying that he will hit his bottom, so that through a Gods help, he can find his way to recovery. Otherwise, I feel he has one foot in the grave and will have both sooner than after, sad to say. Unfortunately, it is the alcohlics choice to continue to drink and this is a baffling disease!!! Focus on yourself and Get to a Al Anon Meeting, where there’s support and sanity! God bless all that is having to live with the disease.

  • Linda

    Ross, Thanks for the information. To answer your question Yes he is going to AA, We also did marriage counseling, He did not like what counselor said. Was fine in front of counselor, but when we got home was angry at me. telling me I said it. very angry. wasn’t going back to that counselor because he was on my side. don’t under stand that thinking, its something he does what to deal with in his past the counselor said. just is angry with me. I ‘m not to share my feelings. They what to live in denial. Its just to painful , so this A emotional attach to someone else. That what I see by his action. Thanks again Ross, will check out that information.

  • Mike

    If these are only boyfriends/girlfriends, get out while you can.

  • Maria

    Hi Linda,

    My heart goes out to you as this situation touches the lives of all involved. All I can say is that my husband has drank ever since he was in his early teens and has stopped on and off for years. He is in program however even though he does not drink his way of thinking is quite twisted and that is just the way it is there is no changing that. They are capable of going through the motions of recovery however they will always be the victims they think they are which caused them to drink in the first place…it’s sad. But I’m not here to feel sorry for anyone especially myself. It was not an accident that I married this man and when I got in to Alanon I had no idea I would learn quite so much about myself. Take the focus off of him take care of yourself and see where you need to grow. This man can no longer manipulate me into feeling sorry for him. I have the control and I’ve taken my life back and although he sees this guess what he still tries…that’s the insanity of the disease. Stay strong and get the help you need for yourself.

  • Ross

    Linda, I just had to post again to you.I am currently working with a sponsor.She belongs to AA and Al-Anon.
    She has me doing the steps the old school way, as she was done with her own sponsor.I have access to my al-anon 12 steps as well.
    It has me reading up to page 163(not all the way there yet, but almost).
    Might I suggest reading the AA Big Book, as well to you? I can’t believe the helpful information in there
    that can be useful to us.If you are like me, you read plenty in your own recovery.Despite this, I highly
    suggest reading up to 163.I believe it will definately help you.Better yet,get one for yourself and mark it as you please.Hang in there!
    Hugs,
    Ross

  • Ross

    …the AA Big Book will give you much insight as to how the A thinks….We think a certain way and they
    think certain ways.It helps to read and see this, will give you better understanding…

  • Rachel

    When I first met my A he wasn’t drinking as much. Like many of you they say they can stop whenever they want. I’m a totally social drinker, I could care less if I had a drink in a month. He started slowly drinking again, having a glass or two when we went to dinner, Then it became more. We would have such horrible arguments & I decided not t

  • These posts really shed light on how the alcoholic thinks.

    I, too, drink rarely. In fact, I would never drink alcohol except for a wedding/birthday celebration of champagne.

    All I ever read is that you should run if you meet an alcoholic – marriage is something I would never do again!

  • Rachel

    When I first met my A he wasn’t drinking as much. Like many of you they say they can stop whenever they want. I’m a totally social drinker, I could care less if I had a drink in a month. He started slowly drinking again, having a glass or two when we went to dinner, Then it became more. We would have such horrible arguments & I decided not to see him anymore. He some how found a way back into my life & I thought it would change. We then moved in together, thinking now I regret it, the drinking slowed again & started, but i had no idea how bad it was until i noticed the drinking more & more. so i would then talk with him & the same cycle would continue, slow down then speed up. it got to be he was angry all the time & i couldn’t figure out why. Was it me? He made sure I second guess myself all the time. The hurtful words & fights were getting exhausting & I have found my self to be sad all the time. It felt like he hated me & wanted nothing to do with me. the affection got allot less & he hated me for no good reason. Having been here b4 we started fighting again, always making it my fault and turn the focus off of himself & somehow blame me for every argument. Well the final fight came & I said I’m done. The next day he started AA. But at that point I’m so emotionally drained & hurt that I don’t believe he will change. I support his decision & he has been going to meeting everyday sometimes twice A day. He said originally it was for me but realized he had to do this for him. I’m very happy for him & he is excited to start his new life but I have so much hurt & sometime anger I don’t know if I want to continue this relationship b/c so much damage has been done that I’ve turned off my feelings b/c I’m tired of being abused, lied to, hurt, angry & don’t know if I want to bother. I do still have love for him, but I find I’m struggling with all these emotions I’m thinking it may be too late. I feel I have lost something in myself & feel stressed & depressed all the time, like a black cloud is always on me & i cant get rid of it My friends advice is get out, I’m young & shouldn’t let anyone bring me down & their right. But I’m still struggling with what to do.

  • Rachel

    For Coreen.
    So I assume you’ve had a similar situation? I’m so drained & have no enthusiasm or this relationship.

  • Mike

    Rachel,
    I hear you.
    I married an alcoholic. Try getting out f that one.
    I was assured that the drinking was over and it was only after 10 days of marriage that I forced my wife into a 30-day stint in a rehab facility.
    One year and thousands of dollars later, she showed up at church with alcohol breath so bad, she had to go home for “something she forgot” to try and take the breath away.
    I can’t beieve what is happening.

  • Rachel

    Mike,

    Im sorry to hear that, it becomes embarrassing, cause people look at me like why r u still with him? I don’t know why either. So you are still in the relationship? I’m not married and so confused on what to do. It’s only been 2 weeks he’s been in AA & seems to want this but I’m lot sure I still do.

  • Rachel

    Mike,

    I’m afraid to open my heart again only to be hurt again.

  • Rachel

    Mike,

    Sorry I keep thinking of questions when I’m done writing.. How long are you married?

  • Mike

    Rachel, I have been married just 15 months.
    If I could go back and talk to myself, I would have told myself to not marry her.
    Rachel, listen to everyone here.
    He will not stop and getting married will only complicate things.
    I wish there was something I could say to heal him and make it all go away.
    It does not work like that.
    Save yourself.
    You WILL regret it your whole life if you stay with him.
    This is my second marriage. The first ended as we just could not get along.
    15 years together and it hurt like crazy to end it all.
    She’s the one who chose to leave. I was a prideful ass, and was so stubborn.
    Now, I made my life in order and started my life in the way God wanted my life to be.
    I was “fixed up” you could say, to present myself to my new bride in the right way.
    Then it all fell apart 10 days into the marriage.
    The truth came out and she would spend the next 30 days in rehab away form me.
    Do not let that happen to you. Please.
    Find a good man who is not enslaved by addiction.

  • Mike

    Rachel, I too remember things after the fact. Lol.
    Listen, I know how it is now.
    It is so hard to decide when you see the tears and hear the horror stories that company the tears.
    That shows you he is not ready to get married or be in a serious relationship.
    He needs to get his life in order AWAY FROM YOU, not with you.
    That is his test. If he cannot do it alone, he will only drag you down.
    Alcoholics are disparate and promise the world to you.
    Unless you like be a martyr, explain it to him in mature way, and leave.
    Pray for him, but find a good man who will not bring your life into the ground.
    He will drag yo down 100%. I thought I was Superman. None of us are.
    They have the power to stop. They have been babied their whole life.
    AA will only baby him more. He will learn to use the excuses others in AA will use.
    The proof is to do, and not just to say.
    If he is sober after several years, then maybe you can consider.
    Marrying an alcoholic, is like marrying someone in plastic surgery.
    You don’t even know how they will turn out.

  • Rachel

    Mike,

    Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it, it’s comforting to talk to someone who really knows from experience. My friends tell me to leave then other friends are saying give him a chance, but l can relate to everything you’ve said to me. It feels like I’m his mother, he’s been better lately & have no patience for anything ya know. I feel so betrayed as you must feel the same and I’m sorry that this has happened. I wish I knew something to say that would make it better for you. Thank you for talking with me and sharing your experience and what you are still going threw. He’s been telling more things that he’s done to hide the drinking, I feel so angry. Are you still together?

  • LINDA

    Rachel, The betrayal ,is so hard to get pass. Also feel like his mother. He has also said, he wished this has never happen, And I can’t seem to get rid of the third party still being involved. the A can’t give me enough to put it to rest. Still feel theirs a third party. Left for a year, came back believing his words and seeing the total different actions. And my feeling keep coming up. When sharing my feeling that hurt me, he just keeps doing what hurts me. Its like he what’s me to hate him. Why? I believe its his denial. If you don’t say it its not true. I feel trapped in this disease called denial. I also am told to leave. I JUST what my husband back. Don’t believe that’s going to happen. And the Merry-go-round continues.

  • Rachel

    Mike,

    Ya know what I’m finding out, that the attitude doesn’t change, everything I try & talk to him and it was a different time when he w as drinking he says that I’m throwing that in his face when I am not. He thinks I’m the enemy & he’s struggling to stay sober. This is supposed to be for him but I’m starting to doubt that which makes me doubt that he will be able to stay sober. I do know a few people who are sober quite a few years & living happy lives, so I do believe that an A can do it, if they really want to. But mine I have serious doubts. Thanks for listening.

  • brigitte

    My alcoholic lies, cheats, emotionally abuses me and blatantly kicked myself and the kids out of the house so he could do his own thing. After almost a year of him not wanting us and me now meeting someone nice, he all of a sudden wants his family back. I have given him so many chances and he screwed up every single one of them. Is it normal for alcoholics to want possession over us? I have been to hell and back with this man and I sometimes think that if he could stop drinking and change, I would want him back but is it really worth it? The few times I have spent with him since he rejected us, I have felt stressed and uptight and miserable. He always says that I have anger issues towards him and I’m the one who is cold and uncaring but I’m at a loss as to how to act around this man that I spent six years and two kids of my life with. I don’t know him anymore. As much as I love him, I have to move on without him. He brings me down and the kids play up when he is around. Its like they feel his vibe and it isn’t good.

  • linda

    Brittigetti get out now. They only care about themselves. I’ve spent almost thirty three years with my a. Its just going to make u sick. There actions don’t match their words. They will keep lying n deny your feelings. I’ve tried at least three attempts to get rid of my a. When u break free don’t talk with them. Don’t listen to their words.lyies

  • Mike

    Rachel,
    I am still with her. I need to fight, but in no way would I have married her knowing what I now know.

  • I am sad reading all of these posts again. My father drank when I was growing up. He was lucky because his third wife was able to stop him cold – she told him she was leaving after a year of marriage and he could do as he pleased. He stopped and drank iced tea for over 23 years until he died. They traveled all over the world and somehow it was a miracle my father never drank alcohol again.

    Over 4 1/2 years ago I met a man outside of my neighbor’s house – his second home was two doors from theirs and I lived further down the street. He stated in front of them that he had stopped drinking – it stunned me because I have never liked the taste of alcohol and it was never a topic of conversation for me. Over time, I started to see he had mood swings – a smart mouth – always challenging whatever anyone says. Now, he drinks when he is awake – he will not go to AA, and I have lost time and effort in this relationship.

    I have to move in order to spare myself – his personality swings, constant questioning anything I have a serious opinion about – it is hell. None of my 5 brothers and sisters drink – I rarely drink a glass of wine – just don’t like the taste of liquor. His daughter is 43 and his son is 40 – no one is doing anything about his drinking.

    I am moving to be near my sons and their young families – I have to have fun again and go forward with my life. I wish all of us could sit in a room and support each other. Alcohol destroys the ones who drink daily and it takes the personality from the ones who are around them.

  • Ross

    Rachel it will take a good while for his alcoholic brain to heal if he has quit drinking.(Look up P.A.W.S., it regards the withdrawal syndrome)It can give some insight as to whats going on inside his body/mind.
    AA does work, IF they work it.It depends on the individual.
    Am I saying that it’s okay to live with and endure the alcoholic? Recovering or not? Only the person in that situation can decide that.
    If you are currently rolling that over and living with him, it would benefit you to find an AL-ANON group
    ASAP, if you haven’t already.They suggest you don’t make any drastic decisions about your relationship for at least 6 mos.-a year after beginning the program.
    I understand all too well about being in relationship with an alcoholic or addict.I have been married for almost 23 and a half years.Unfortunately, we separated in 2011 after he relapsed and chose alcohol over our marriage , in which I always supported him in his career pursuits and his recovery.
    I am now working on a new life for me.I wish I could say I was one of the lucky ones at least married to someone who stayed sober and experienced a good recovery and are happy together.It didn’t happen for us, and I am glad I am not sharing the same house as my actively drinking stbx.I go to AL-ANON and wish I had found it sooner.It would have saved me so much trouble and heartache and damage to self.

  • Rachel

    I’d like thank everyone for sharing their stories, it really is helping me realize the way an A thinks & how different it is from a person who doesn’t drink. I’m really taking into consideration how similar all the stories are from moods to verbal abuse. and i completely understand it.. It too saddens me to hear all these stories. It seems that threw his manipulation I stay, he makes me feel bad for him. But I’m thinking that’s all part of the A mind?

    I’m at a point where the relationship seems so flip floppy, one day he’s nice, another day he is distant, & cold, another day he’s moody, another day he wants nothing to do with me, another he’s madly in love with me & can’t live without me, another day here comes the cycle again. This is what I’ve been going threw for 2 1/2 years & thankfulky we are not married, but we live together. i do regret moving in together, i had no idea that the problem was so bad. i will definitely take everyone’s advice and look into Al-anon & P.a.w.s before I do make any rash decisions but there are days I’m just done. I do want to educate myself, but I dont want to be hurt anymore then i already have been. The mood changes are so much it almost makes me feel dysfunctional & crazy. When normally I’m a very happy go lucky person, I love life & are now feeling like someone took away who is am.

    .

  • linda

    Rachel I have spent 32 years with my a. Get your life back now for u. He will keep sucking the life out of you. Don’t. Let him deny what u feel. I’ve tried to break free at least 3 times. Gone this last time for a year. Made mistakes of talking to him.their words are lies. Action speak louder then words. Remember that!!; I feel like this a hates me. Take care of yourself. Linda

  • Rachel

    Linda.

    That’s exactly how I feel! When he’s happy he’s happy & when he’s not in the enemy. He has promised me sooo many thing that never happened! Like you said actions speak louder then words & the 2 are so different @ times & I feel sad all the time & believe me, that’s not me at all.. Thank you for your advice & everyone’s advice, it’s hard for me to leave because I feel bad. I don’t know how to get strong enough to just walk away cause I do know I’m not happy at all anymore.

  • linda

    Rachel
    Go to dr and het help for u. He’s just going to drag I down more. Belittling keeps you under their control. They are so filled with shame.
    The a is projecting their shame onto us. Everything my a says to me it is something he’s guilty of. Get counseling for yourself. Please don’t wait.

  • Amy

    Linda, know what I love about this site? I keep reading and learning more, and you are so right! The statement “Everything my A says to me is something he is guilty of”~mine would accuse me of cheating, would tell me I suck and I am a freak, would tell me he has HAD better. Would tell me I am a looser I could go on and on~the truth is if anyone was any of those things and doing the things he accused me of it was HIM.

  • linda

    Amy
    It is all about their shame. They try to project it onto us. They have told so many lies. Just can tell the truth.

  • Ross

    Coreen, it sounds like you have some goals in mind and courage.I wish you the best you sound so strong and clear minded….

    One of the things we need to remember(my opinion/what I keep reading over and over)is to keep the focus on ourselves.Otherwise, we are being affected by their disease.By focusing on ourselve and practicing our own recovery we are handing their disease back to them.If they can be allowed to be jerked around by their disease by ‘reacting’ instead of responding, allowing them to manipulate us,cross our boundaries w/o any consequences, rescuing them from their consequences,taking responsibility for them, we are participating in their/our sickness.But if we practice our recovery for ourselves we can learn to hand their disease back to them,so they can look at and hopefully deal with it.As long as we allow ourselves to be tossed around by their sickness, we become sicker and they will too.But ..

    *when we get better, we can have protective boundaries to minimize our damages to our health/mind/life,
    *We can detach and enjoy a good life and be able to see, appreciate,enjoy the good that is here in this moment(something I could hardly do)instead of hyper-focusing on what the A did, didnt do, said or didnt say, looked .Trying to refocus my attentions onto treating and talking to myself good.
    Not giving all their disfunctional/warped thinking so much power to steal joy out of our moments.They are given too much power and here they are, they are just sick people.Who are offensive at times.I need to try to minimize the disease’s ability to affect me mentally,physically and financially.And stabilize my life and plan the kind of life I would like to have.
    I try to remind myself, when A is acting/talking disfunctionally that there is a
    black cloud has come down over him and IT is what is talking to me, trying to influence and manipulate me into feeding into it, so it can keep it’s hold over my husband AND to take me down with them in the process ..I try to automatically differentiate between what is him and what is the disease talking/acting out.And respond according to what I have learned in recovery that works to keep me from being damaged in my alcoholic situation.

  • Ross

    ..that is what I try to focus on and do,not at all am I saying that I have this down perfectly.I have my slip ups.

  • Rachel

    Linda

    Thank you.. Yes it’s so true. I’ve already looked into al-anon & I’m starting to work on me. I can’t do it anymore. The stress of worrying all the time is exhausting. He needs to do this by himself & I need to get happy.

    So many stories, yet all so similar it’s amazing. Even though I’ve been here a short time, I’ve learned so much from everyone. It’s nice to know we all have each other & help each other.

  • Rachel

    I have a question if anyone could please give me alittle insight. Even when an A becomes sober do they still act like they used to as if they were drinking?

  • linda

    Rachel
    I do see the same actions.my a clams he’s been sober for over a year. He continue to argue over everything. I believe someone on here calls it a dry drunk. Unsure how long it last. I feel I can’t have my husband back.

  • Rachel

    Linda..

    I feel the same way, it seems the boyfriend I fell in love with never existed. I look at him and think who are you? But yet I get I need to see someone cause he disrespecting me. I just don’t get it.. I have to look up dry drunk. I’m not really sure what that is. He says he feels good & doesn’t feel like having a drink, but all of a sudden he’s getting all dressed up with cologne & jewelry going to AA. Mean while, I bought him all those things & he hasn’t been wearing them for me. I hate what he’s done to me & how’s he made me feel & I’m starting to hate him for it. But he says I’m the one who needs help. He’s created this whole situation & I don’t deserve this. Does that happen to you??

  • C

    Linda: I could have written your post. He says you are the one who needs help!! I heard that over and over – that I was a mess, etc. In fact, I am pretty serious about my life and drinking does not play a part. I raised two very successful sons who have great families. Am learning to let his words fly through the air and puff, they are gone! It is only hot air!

    The amazing thing is I don’t have time to be mean – to bring up stupid things of the past – to dig at someone! They are childish and boring.

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