If an alcoholic can keep you angry and anxious they are winning the battle. When a good friend in the alanon program explained to me that the two weapons that alcoholics use to keep the focus off of them selves are anger and anxiety, many things came to light. If you can get a hold of the truths I am about to share with you, things will change for the good in your life.
If the problem drinker can push your buttons and get you mad, then you are the one perceived as having the problem. The easiest way to start learning what those buttons are in your life is by starting to journal everyday. Keep it totally private and protect your journal. This is an amazing way to begin to recognize how the addict in your life is setting your temper off. Once you start seeing the methods that they are using to get you angry, you will be able to exert self control.
How to Shield Yourself From the Weapons that Alcoholics Use
1) Stop defending yourself when they say something about you that is not true. When they use words like always, never, and every time, these are absolute statements that cannot possibly be true. When they throw those types of words at you, just respond by saying; “that’s not true.” There is no need to express anything more on the subject. We must learn how to zip our lisp and save our breath. When you can get to the point of not reacting to all of the untruthful things they say, you will find living with an angry alcoholic will be a tad easier. Once you begin to defend yourself they just keep heaping the hot coals of anger on even more. Learn to put the fire out by not responding. Just to know in your own heart that what they are saying is not true is enough.
2) Refuse to get mad when the try to push your buttons with anger and anxiety. This is why you must start journaling; it will help you control your own temper. When we are constantly reacting when they push our buttons, then the anger continues in both of you like gas being poured on a blazing fire. As you begin to say things like; “I’m sorry you feel that way,” then they have nothing to get mad about. This will eliminate a lot of anxiety in you because you will begin to have more self-control rather than being out of control. Relationship issues with alcoholics are many. Learning how to handle this one will help you greatly.
You can find a few weapons and shields of your own by going to support meetings. People in programs such as Al-anon know how to respond to the alcoholic’s anger and anxiety in positive ways so that less guilt is heaped on either person, the alcoholic or the family or friend. Just remember that they really do not want to be the way that they are. Try to love them with an undying love and do your best to not get angry. If your mess up, apologize to the alcoholic for loosing your temper and start over again. Arguing, getting angry and staying anxious is not going to make anything better.
What will work is not fighting with an alcoholic. If you think about it you’ve probably been having arguments for a long time, try something different for a change.
Turn your back
Pray to God for the strength to stay focused
On you and your health
Alcoholics are lying sneaky selfish blame
Shifters and the absolute meanest beings on the earth runaway don’t look back good luck
Kimmy,
Your situation sounds so similar to other women who unfortunately became victims of narcissistic abuse by an alcoholic partner. Now there is a lot of support for this & a lot of great Youtubes to watch that describe every aspect of this kind of addictive & highly toxic relationship. I found a lot of help & insights by checking this topic out. May you find peace of mind & regain your sense of self worth in this situation.
Dear Kimmy,
Listen to what everyone is saying. I received this from my wonderful son about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. I read it every day without fail. Been married for 37 yrs. Oh yes, he’s an alcoholic.
Do not let your fire go out,
Spark by irreplaceable spark,
In the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
The not- quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
In lonely frustration for the life you deserved but have never been able to reach.
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists
It is real. It is possible. It is YOURS.
Ayn Rand
Do not let the hero in your soul perish. That is profound. I love that line. I am 63 yrs. old. Very recently retired. I am doing very well thanks to J.C. And the wonderful people on this website. You are NEVER alone. Yes, still married but it seems so odd because things have changed for the better in my relationship with my husband. I take each day as it comes and don’t look back. With the nice weather we’re having here in the Midwest I think it’s time to grab an apple and head out for a walk with my dogs.Just remember you’re self- worth is priceless. All the best to you . Always, Denise
KIMMI, I sincerely feel your pain. I am a great grandma that thought all this misery would go away. It never has andnever will. All these years. You are strong to be able to let him go. I love my husband to the point of foolishness. He humiliates me in public, is on the phone with his friends discussing our sex life. He has so many
sexual encounters that they are surprised to hear I m his wife. This marriage is my obsession. I stay and let him
do this to me. I finally discussed this with my doctor, a woman doctor. I had no luck with male doctors, they just
let me sink deeper and deeper into depression and the good news is I will be seeing a counselor. You will be okay and I know it will take sometime. Women seem to be caregivers but never take care of them selves and better to rephrase this Caregivers including men give until they die inside the alcoholics mantra, forgetting to care for themselves.
Kimmy,
Forget even considering the idea that you were the problem. It’s so totally not true. Don’t be jealous of the new girl, because before too long she will be turned to mush, just like you were. What you are describing is the rule of a relationship with an AH, not the exception. Don’t spend another moment worrying about him, because the only person who can really help him is himself, everyone else are just used for his own disposal. I understand the feeling of wanting to help and putting myself second, even wondering if its my own sanity I should be checking, but I know that the AH finds faults in others, probably because it’s easier than focusing on their own, which they have rationalized excuses for all the way along. Trust me, all the other girls got to the same place as you, and he replaced them too, to start fresh with untarnished fresh blood.
For you right now, is to mend your wounds, not look back at him, not give the words he told you a seconds thought, and look forward. Remember who you are, remember what the things are about you that you love the most, and embrace your life and your freedom without someone trying to dissect you. These guys have a tendency to live in a fantasy land hold everyone to unrealistic standards…it’s a sickness for sure, but not one you can help or heal, he needs to seek help, and it doesn’t sound like he is ready.
It’s okay to be compassionate, but alcoholism is a huge pity party for himself, it’s like the saying in Shawshank redemption, “get busy living or get busy dying”, well they haven’t quite decided what they are doing yet, and they have a way of spreading the sickness. Be happy you got out, love him from afar and wish the best for him, but take care of yourself and find someone who wants to take care of you equally. Be thankful you are no longer caught in the cycle of pain. And remember, it wasn’t a waste of time, because you learned very valuable things, and if you let it, it can make you stronger. xo
Kimmie,
Run! It’s not you. No matter what you do for him he will blame you. I feel sorry for the new girl. She will be next. We lost our son to this disease. He blamed us for everything that went wrong in his life. I thought al-anon would help us fix him. Al-anon helps you get on with your life. You are lucky you did not marry him, or have his child. You will survive and be better off. Repost in a year. I bet you will be a new girl. Best of luck to you. XOXO
Just be glad he is gone. He will probably do the same thing to her. Or even better she will break HIS heart. What comes around goes around.. he will get what he deserves. We all do. He will not change until he hits bottom and you can be thankful that it won’t be you having to help him pick up the pieces. Next time you get gut feelings at the beginning of a relationship … listen.
If you are not an alcoholic, don’t date one, it will prevent an unpleasant marriage.
This is all advice i new before I got married, but now I really know, I guess I had to go to the university of hard knocks to really get it.
Kimmy, you are not and were never the problem in your relationship. The first and most important thing in an alcoholic’s life is alcohol. No woman will be number one in his life as long as he’s an alcoholic. The happy looking pictures you see are just an illusion. They are lies. Alcoholics are great at telling lies and they are great at blaming others for their own failings. The only thing you did wrong was love an alcoholic. The fact that he has been divorced twice should tell you something about his ability to love others and have a successful relationship.
I agree with everyone else’s advice. The best thing is to let go of that relationship and get to a place where you can have some peace and be happy. Alcoholics can make you feel terrible about yourself and take away your self-esteem. When you are finally out of the situation you can work at getting your self-esteem back. This may take longer than you think, but you can find peace and happiness without him.
I am said to hear Kimmy that your are struggling. Its very Simple but insanely hard to stop. You have a simple medical equation You are his Enabler. He is your Co-Dependent..His illness needs you to stay sick and how crazy it is,, Vice Versa to you…both of which left untreated will spiritually bankrupt you than take you to your grave. I was in a similar relationship for 2 years. It was Torturous stress. You would be wise to cut ties with him, schedule an appointment with a therapist, and go to an Al Anon Meeting. The best -part of it all though is that if you do work the Steps entirely and Thuroully you will be Blessed by Him and you will feel a sense of Peace you never imagined even existed…Stay strong….God is So Good!
Kathleen offered you great advice. The problem is – whoever is involved with an A will take a beating verbally. The will lie to others about the spouse or partner. I have done everything in the past to make a clean and hAppy house but none of it mattered. The A would drink when he was awake and call people all day while he watched TV!!
It takes time to make the break mentally. Ride a bike on warm days, buy something for yourself – makeup, candy, plant or whatever. You will get through this. So many of us have one foot in front of the other
Take good care.
Kim he is cutting his teeth on you drunks have an agenda
here it is
I want to drink above all else
The most important thing in their life is Drinking from the time they awaken till they sleep booze is their true gfriend
They lie like rugs they shit like Bears they walk around open wounded like their life has been soooooo hard they screw the neighbors wife and their best friends wife and they Lie
they are so screwed up physically their meta-biological rate is only working after a Beer so the demon s they employ can be woken up a bit Why are you feeling obsessive about a chunk of lard that is so hateful to himself and feel for the poor woman that is with him she will go thru Hell eventually trust me
I am sorry for you you sound to kind and big hear-ted to be with a foolish drunk
I love as friend and I am telling you to lose this tard and get your higher self moving but a sexy dress look at yourself in the mirror look at the parts of you that are beautiful
Stop crying about a freak who is stupid enuff to lose someone a precious as yourself
you fell in Love it s hard to move out of Love I know but do it for your your own good
and get a bit mad about this it s ok
he s just a user no matter what he does he will never ever find anyone like you ever again he is the lost one
I put up with this Alcohol issue with my boyfriend for 7 years. What finally happened was to both our benefits. He was angry cause the dog wouldnt listen to him. So he got up to put the dog outside in below zero weather. He let the dog outside and i went out to get him to bring him back in but he had run off. I was so upset i come barreling back into the house and the door knocked my boyfriend down and broke his leg. It was a bad break and i felt bad but it was an accident. He had to have an operation with a plate and 10 screws. He doesn’t even remember it happened alls he knows now is that it did. The surgeon took one look and him and said youve been drinking. And he said if im going to put you back together then you have to quit drinking. And my boyfriend had tears in his eyes. He didn’t say anything back to the dr. Then the Dr.said if you have to think about it then im just going to wrap it up and send you home, the dr said im not going to deal with it. And so my boyfriend said NO NO I’ll quit. so he got the surgery and was in the hospital for 5 days, grant it he was a sick man. Brusies all over his body from falling all the time and cirrhosis of the liver. He was in bad shape to begin with, then having to have surgery and go threw detox all at the same time. Well i do have good news. After 20 years of being a severe alcoholic. HE QUIT !!!!!!!!! ITs been 2 months. I am so happy now. And so is he..ThankGod i dont have to go threw anymore of the mental abuse. It was almost daily. I believe strongly that i need counselling for all the abuse. And its important to have support. God Bless all you women out there that have had to endure this horrific pain. My heart goes out to you. God Bless and please take care of your self your the only you, you have……..
Kim, just knowing that it is not you and you are not alone. Many of us have gone through much of the same as you have. We feel guilty, helpless and of very little value. The alcoholic has succeeded in making us feel that we. It is up to us to be positive and move forward in spite of the alcoholic. When he sees it is not destroying you, he will eventually realize that he needs help, not you. Move forward, don’t look back and consult with God before you make any decisions. He will never give you a wrong answer.
Kimmy, addicts and alcoholics are very adept at placing the blame on everyone aroma be them. It is the alcohol or the drugs talking but they lose themselves once drugs/alcohol take over. The best advice I can give you is to find an Alanon group (for loved ones of alcoholics). You will learn how to deal with those behaviors while getting well. Alanon saved me, truly. Best wishes.
Dear Kimmy,
The first relationship you have to have is with yourself. You be your own advocate. There are many head games and emotional trips you can go on when you get in a relationship. There was even a movie out there that describes how a womans emotional nature can be ‘played upon’ to cause negative feelings in the woman for the purpose of manipulation. Our emotions can overwhelm us and it is for this reason that you must be master of your emotions.
If you allow anyone into your ‘personal world’ and you begin to feel ‘that gut feeling’ then confront them with the simple truth through Your Words. If they do not respond as if they are ‘listening to you’ or as if they ‘care about’ what you are bringing up. It is at that time you must IMMEDIATELY put distance between the two of you. Stay away and approach at a later time, days or weeks later. The next time you approach you ‘test the waters’ to see if this person is just ‘playing with you.’
Do you want to be ‘played with?’ Bitterness in people often manifests by the ‘sick desire’ to enjoy causing pain in others. Take this advice to heart. I have found this to be UNIVERSaLLY true and in particular true in men.
You are not the cause of his ‘pain’. You realize alcoholics often have pain or even depression issues. Something happened to them to ‘break them’ and the reason they drink is in part to deal with this.
Unless you want to be ‘the source of another’s’ joy by being the whipped dog. Because they have seriously unresolved mental and emotional issues which have nothing to do with you. Open your eyes. See the sick person for being SICK.
For some reason many of us cannot conceive of another having ‘joy’ or ‘pleasure’ from the degradation of others. So we put it out of our minds. If you feel PAIN when you are around someone..SOMETHING IS WRONG.
You are not put on Earth to ‘heal’ all people and ‘save all people.’
SAVE YOURSELF. Sometimes that is all you can do. Sometimes you have to admit to your own humanity and..realize you must just give up on some and move forward. Save your own life and your own future.
You have had a GREAT LEARNING experience. Begin to SEE now. It takes a long time to see because we all ‘see’ through our own ‘colored glasses.’ You will heal from the emotional hit and in the future be careful about how you invest yourself.
Watch how men do it.
They protect their hearts at all cost. They have ‘you’ put yourself out first they have you ‘give first’ they convince you what an awesome person ‘you are’ while they HIDE every detail of their own true vulnerability. This is done to protect their own hearts.
Women need to begin to protect theirs now too.
You will find a better man.
[…] Most alcoholics use anger and anxiety as weapons. They unconsciously try to do things to those around them in order to get a negative reaction out of others. Once the “other” person is acting like a loon, then the alcoholic can point their finger at the other person’s behaviors instead of looking at their own. The sad part of all this is that we are left being angry, then they go get plastered. We must learn how to not let them get to us. […]
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