My first marriage was heaven on earth and we were together for 20 years of Bliss until cancer claimed her 5 years ago. My second marriage to an alcoholic who also suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder is Hell on Earth. The best way to describe it is constantly walking on egg-shells!
Let me just go over the events of the last few days, if I may, to give my readers an idea of my present life. I found out that she slept with another man and spent 5 days with him two weeks ago before I eventually found her, warned the guy off with threats of instant death if he didn’t leave my wife alone, and we eventually got back together again. It lasted 3 days before we finally split.
I tried to forgive my wife’s infidelities and said “the past is the past and I can forgive one time!” However, I then looked on her mobile phone to see a message to her old boyfriend asking him to “Take me back”. I couldn’t believe my eyes! She had promised never to contact this person again.
Anyway, we went out for dinner and my wife insisted she eat dinner alone while I went to get the car washed!!! It started to rain heavily so I decided to drop the idea and joined my wife in the restaurant. She was less than happy to see me and when I ordered she left and went across the street to chat with friends in a store nearby. She waved to me occasionally but I thought “Why doesn’t she want to eat or spend time with me?” I finished my meal and we went to a bar on her insistence.
She drank and then we went to a manicurists, so she could get her nails done. The manicurist and she forgot about her nails and started to drink red wine. She got so drunk that I tried to get her into the car to take her home. She resisted. so I left and went home to bed. At 3AM the doorbell sounded and two men were on my doorstep with my wife on the back of a motorbike… blindo. The one man said my wife was so drunk that she started taking all her clothes off in his bar so they brought her home. My wife revived and didn’t want to come into the house, and proceeded to vanish into the night. That’s the last I have seen of her and I have decided to seek a divorce.
I had taken her two days before to a Counselor and a Psychiatrist and they had prescribed pills for her BPD and alcoholism. Unfortunately she was always so drunk that she couldn’t take the pills as they are very strong! That is why I tried to get her into the car so that she wouldn’t be so drunk as to not be able to take her medication. This was all so traumatic coming just after her 5 day sexual relationship with another man that it was the last straw.
Now, I’m told my life is in danger and to be very cautious! Charming situation to find myself in at 59 years old! And, do you know, I love this girl from the very bottom of my heart so I’m now feeling heartbroken. How could it all go so wrong? So, I went camping for 4 days in a National Park and came to the conclusion that nothing good will ever come from this relationship and it’s better to end it. And, how long have we been married…7 months!!!
Thank you for sending in your story. As I read, I remembered how important it is to get things off of my mind through keeping a journal. This is an amazing way to see how cunning, baffling and powerful alcoholism is. It’s nearly impossible to make sense of the type of behavior that you have been dealing with. Your story depicts the insanity of alcoholism very well. Sounds like you are coping with someone who suffers from severe alcoholism.
These articles can help:
How To Detach From An Alcoholic-Proven methods for protecting your emotional well-being by practicing healthy detachment.
How To Have Tough Love With An Alcoholic-Learn healthier ways of communicating with an out of control alcoholic.
Problem Drinkers Lie A lot-It just a fact…alcoholics have a problem telling the truth.
Why Can’t Alcoholics Just Stop Drinking-Understanding the craving that drives an addict to constantly want more.
It’s sad to hear that your second marriage is ending so quickly. Hopefully you’ve found a support group to help you heal from the devastating effects of alcoholism.
Your conclusion is a wise one. My marriage was a sham like yours. People with Borderline Personality Disorder cannot function honestly in a relationship. Professional counselors have very little success with this personality type due to their anger, manipulation and lies. I was married 5 weeks and realized that I was in an impossible situation due to his alcohol and verbal abuse.
My heart was broken but after months of self reflection and healing i am able to look up to heaven and say, “Thank You Lord for walking by my side through all this.”
Life will go on and you will not always hurt this way.
As an outsider listening in on your situation you’ve come to the right conclusion by ending the marriage. This marriage was going nowhere but downhill. Too many marriage bonds broken – trust, believing, caring, sharing. Love isn’t always enough to sustain a relationship. She was totally out of control and satisfied to leave it there for herself and you.
Find yourself a happy life by doing the things you love. Sounds like camping and the outdoors is good therapy for you, so do it often to find the peace within again and start a new chapter in your life book. After every storm the light will shine through.
Yes you have made a wise decision to end the relationship as there is nothing you can do or should do for this person – you need now to look after your self and work through the various emotions that have been stirred up by this persons awful behaviour. I myself have now separated from my alcoholic spouse and when thinking about our past and how he has changed so drastically since we first met, I realise that alcoholics are adept at deceit; portraying a normal personality – charming, affable etc when all the while the true self is out of control with addiction.
When the situation is “active” it is hard to make “sense out of non-sense.” I agree with the suggestion to keep a journal … it helps with perspective as time passes. However, instead of rushing off to court, perhaps seek some support and your own recovery in Al-Anon; there you will find understanding and support for yourself, the alcoholic, and the dynamics of your situation. I share this from experience and wish you all the best. One Day At A Time.