Addict Getting Out Of Treatment-Should I Let Him Live With Me

JC: The following article was submitted by one of our readers. There are many things to consider with her boyfriend getting out of treatment.  As I read, I thought it would be good  for her to make a list of the good and not so good reasons why he should or should not live with her. I also find concern with these two  statements; “Our relationship is not abusive at all” and  “Yes, his addiction has caused hurt, mistrust and dishonesty”.  Please feel free to comment below the article. 

Guest Post: by Tammy

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over two years. He doesnt have a drinking problem, his d.o.c. is heroin. But nonetheless this website helps me greatly and no matter what the drug it’s all very similar. Here is my situation. My bf is in treatment and is doing 60 days, this is his third attempt and I am hoping he’s truly ready this time because he has lost everything (car, house, kids, his business etc. )His last treatment then the following relapse I choose to get my own place. We have lived together for all of the two years and his most recent clean time he lived at my new place also.

Our relationship is not abusive at all we are best friends and lovers and don’t want to be apart. Yes, his addiction has caused hurt, mistrust and dishonesty but no horror stories with us. We have a ton of history and known each other since we were 14 yrs old. He has asked if when he discharges from treatment if he can come back and we live together again. He has lost his house. I know he needs to start completely over and put his recovery first. I’m totally fine with what that takes. I am really grappling with this decision. I have not made up my mind yet but in the meantime asked him to write up a “plan” of what he is going to be doing to stay clean/sober. And I will do the same with my boundaries. The bottom line is..I will end the relationship completely if he relapses again no matter what. He knows this is his last chance….do I let him live back with me?

JC: Tammy, Nar-anon and Al-anon are places for you to consider participating so you can begin to make healthy choices and changes. Perhaps this article will help too: Warning Signs Of Abusive Relationships.


3 comments to Addict Getting Out Of Treatment-Should I Let Him Live With Me

  • Brenda

    Tammy: One thing you need to understand if you decide to let him move in with you is that no matter how positive his surroundings, the possibility of him relapsing is more likely than not, especially if he has any way to get heroin. He has to completely cut off contact with all people connecting him to that drug. It is possible for him to stay clean, but it will be the most difficult thing he’ll ever do.

  • Tammy

    I am in al-anon and am told it is my decision. I am aware of his relapse likelihood as we have been through it twice before. Thats why I’m so undecided…I want to do what is best for his sobriety. If he screws up and uses, it is what it is and he will be put out to figure out his next step. I am going to weigh the pros and cons out and we are meeting with his counselor in treatment so the 3 of us can work out a “behavior contract” then I have something solid to see before I make a decision. Just to clarify I meant abusive as no physical, yelling, jealousy or even verbal abuse. He has never stolen from me or anything. I understand that being in a relationship with an addict is not considered healthy! lol Thanks for any and all responses!!

  • Jade

    Tammy, it’s difficult to understand your relationship with this person by a couple of paragraphs of content. I have to wonder why you have stayed with him this long? What does he have to offer in this relationship at this point? Isn’t there a halfway house he could move into to further his recovery? Are you addicted to the chaos of being with an addict? What is he bringing into this relationship that has any mutual benefit?

    I think abuse in a relationship extends into being neglected. Every addict/alcoholic I’ve ever associated with only cared about where they would get their next fix from. JC has an article that explains how we always have to take second place to their drug of choice. If I’m in love with someone, they had better have eyes for me only. I’ve spent too much of my life with people who didn’t love me more than alcohol or drugs.

    I deserve better than that! You do too!

    I do know one thing, 12 step programs have taught me how to take care of me. It all sounds good that we want to try to help the ones we love because they are trying again…If it were me faced with your decision, after three times in treatment for hard drugs, I’d take a break from the relationship until the person demonstrated a genuine change in lifestyle. I wouldn’t even think of supporting, providing a place to live or driving him around etc… He needs to suffer through the pain associated with his poor choices. I would love him and be faithful to him, but not be “all in” with him again until he had been clean and totally sober for at least a year.

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