Guest post from: Constance
JC, Thank you so much for your wonderful videos and articles. I have been helped so much.
I am getting ready to gather my things and end it with my alcoholic boyfriend. When I met him, he told neighbors in front of me that he had stopped drinking – I was not interested in him, so I thought it was a very personal comment to be made in front of me and others.
Well, I dated him and he hid his drinking for months. Now, he is drinking and sleeping! He is retired, has two homes, and is drinking 24/7. Neighbors do not know this – his two grown kids do not seem to know, and I am tired of cleaning, covering for him, etc. He has spent the last 3 days drinking and sleeping while I am out gathering things for the houses and trying to keep my sanity!!
Your articles and videos have guided me so I can keep my self esteem and start over again.
Constance, God Bless and stay strong. I too am grateful for all the advice and encouraagement this site has provided for me. It is because of finding this site and listening to the audio lessons that I have come as far as I have today in detaching and staying detached from the alcoholic. You are taking a big step by deciding to stop “covering for him”. Be careful as you can never be certain how the alcoholic will react to a change in you. You are doing the right things. Stay safe and you will be in my prayers.
Good for you! Like Julie said in her previous post “be careful as you can never be certain how the alcoholic will react to a change in you”. I am seeing such changes in my soon-to-be ex since I filed the divorce and where I never feared physical violence from him I am coming to believe it is possible because I have stopped covering for him and telling family & friends the truth. So keep yourself safe, have a plan because you never know how they will react. And above all–don’t back down, you are doing the right thing. Keep moving forward!
Constance, God bless you. I, too, know what you’re going through. I left my drunk ex-boyfriend 4 months ago, after 5 years. There is a sad, indisputable truth to face, that all of us here on this board have had to face. Nothing, but NOTHING, means more to a drunk that the bottle. To them, we all come in way down their list of priorities. We aren’t crucial to their survival, only the alcohol is. As sad as it sounds, pictures of him passed out drunk will help keep it fresh in your mind, should you need a concrete reminder of what you don’t want in your life. Gather your things and make your plans to leave. You don’t have to rush, but don’t waver. Living with a drunk is literally agreeing to a threesome – him, the bottle and you. You’ll always be at the bottom of the pyramid. Always. What gave me the absolute resolve to leave was two things. First, I made myself imagine living as I had been for another year, 5 years or more. The second was making a list with two columns – one listing all the good times and one listing all the bad times. It was beyond lopsided. We are not meant to be doormats or emotional punching bags or crutches. A relationship should be of equals. Life with a drunk is anything but equal. Take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Walk away and never look back.
Thank you so much for your comments. I deeply appreciate your posts. Never thought I would be in such a situation – he goes into a rage if he thinks I have or will tell anyone anything about him. I have been living with a fraud. No one seems to see it – he comes home after being out with our friends and goes to sleep!!. No one knows! He wakes up in his chair and gets another beer or drink no matter what time it is. How could anyone put that much liquid in their system – all day and night when awake? I drink iced tea or juice, but not all the time!
Best wishes to everyone.
I lived with an alcoholic bf for 3 years. He abused me after 6 months due do hi drinking. I kicked him out of my house. He threatened to kill me and my family when he was in jail. After getting out he came to my home and started calleing me names. I again made him leave but he wouldn’t, for the fear of my family I left with him and moved in with him at his moms to keep him away from my children (who despised him). We lived with his mom and the hitting continued. He asked me to marry him when he was drunk around 30 people I said yes for fear of what he might do if I said no. We moved into an apartment, he ahad an outstanding warrant against him and was put in jail for 4 months. Left me with the apartment and the rent hadn’t been paid the whole time we lived there so I had to deal with the landlord. I moved back to my house with my children for the 4 months he was gone. He called every day sometimes 3 adn four times a day afraid I would find someone else which I should have while he was gone but I was faithful and stood by him. When he got out things were fine for a few months and the drinking started again. We moved into a house and lived there for 1 year and the abuse kept on, after the last blow I had him put in jail and while he was there I got all of my things out and left him. I had a restraining order on him but he kept coming around.. Kept telling me he would slow down if I would marry him.. Told him to prove it but he never would. I got tired of the hitting, the name calling and the pleading. We finally completely broke up 2 months ago. since then he has moved in with a woman whom he had been seeing for months behind my back. She has threatened to kick him out if he doesnt straighten up. He has came to my house and tolde me he still loves me while he is living with her. Ii just brushed it off. since then he has lost his job I am told. I have not had any contact with him in going on 3 weeks. I hope I am finally rid of him Get out the relationship and never look back. You will be stronger and more happy if you do this.
God Bless each and everyone of you who are dealing with the same situation. they never change.
Thank you so much for your post. You sound very strong and smart. Sure hope you are very happy now living the life you deserve.
please help! my daughter and i moved in with my boyfriend who drinks all the time a little over a month ago. things were great the first month but now he has told me to move out to get out that he doesnt need me. i want to move out so bad and have no where to go until i can get enough money saved up. in the mean time how do i deal with a dr. jekylll and a mr hyde??? he blames me for everything, if i want to be intimate he calls me a whore i am scared and at a lost!
Leaving my boyfriend has come to mind so many times. But, I am scared also of the violence he threatens when i mention I will break up with him. mother’s day was not the best one for me. He used my own thoughts of insecurity of the love of my family to almost make me loose them forever! I blew up at them and they forgave me again. It is coming to a point that I will loose my own parents and children and siblings if I don’t stand up to his munipulative ways. I am loosing more feeling for him everytime he emotionally hurts me and feel it is less likely i will forgive him each time he apologizes for whatever drama he makes. I had alot of hope at the beginnning of our relationship but I feel it slipping away. My family is so loving and caring. I do not want to hurt them in any way. I dont want them worrying about me and I want to make them proud. Today I am very stressed at the whole ordeal of yesterday. I dont want to face this man at the end of the day. maybe i wont. i will go for a walk and talk with friends and make my own plans for the evening. this will be a change, so i will be careful.
@Angie, get on the phone and call a women’s shelter, the United Way, Catholic Social Services and any other agency you can find in your area. You don’t have to stay in such a bad situation. There are people out there who are willing to help you, but you have to start looking for them now. Your child doesn’t need or deserve to be in a bad situation because you made a lousy decision. Then, after you get out, get into therapy and find out why you thought it was a good idea to move in with a known drunk. Until you understand why, you’re likely to do the same thing again, and your child will suffer. Please let us know how you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
@Denise, you have got to get out of this relationship, and stop letting his threats keep you from doing what you need to do to get out of the mess you’re in. See the advice I gave Angie. Get on the phone and find help with a place to stay away from him. If he’s threatening violence, you need to grow a backbone and leave now, not later. Ask yourself why you would choose to stay with such a monster over being with your family and children. Please take steps now to start helping yourself. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I sure can relate to these posts. I agree with Denise. It gets harder each time to forgive and you lose something everytime they call you a name. I left my bf a month ago. He threatened to kill me when he was drunk. It was the first time he has threatened me with viloence. I thought there was no limit to my love and tolerance, but I found out that there IS. He claims he does not remember and thinks I am overreacting. We are seeking counceling, but I don’t know if I can or should go back. Certainly things must change for me to even consider it. And alcoholics don’t like change! We are not alone in this struggle. Good luck to all of you. Be strong and I will too.
@Danita, do NOT go back. How very convenient that he doesn’t remember. Been there, done that, heard that and listened to that sorry-a** excuse way too many times. As I told my ex- BF (left him 4 months ago today after 5 years of forgiving), it doesn’t matter that HE doesn’t remember. I have a perfect memory, and you, Danita, do too. You remember each and every hateful, mean, disgusting, nasty word he’s spewed and spat at you and you remember every emotion those words and actions made you feel. Of course he thinks you’re overreacting. In a drunk’s mind, if he doesn’t remember it, it couldn’t have happened, and besides, even if he did say/do that, he didn’t really mean it.
My child told me something years ago about my (now) ex-husband, who blithered the same sorry excuse. My child told me, “Drunks don’t lie, Mom. They can’t. Only when they’re drunk do they have the b*lls to say what they don’t have the guts to say when they’re sober.” As my child explained to me, a drunk, when sober, knows how much he or she stands to loose if they ever say what they really feel. Most drunks are very, very angry people inside. They hate themselves, try to drink it away and dump that hate on everyone in their lives. Only when they’re drunk and the filter is gone will they tell the truth about how they feel about us, and it’s not a pretty truth. We’re convenient. We make their lives easier. We keep the rest of a normal life together so they’re free to be drunks and not be responsible for anything. But, oh, when things aren’t run the way they think they should be, don’t they just bitch, whine, moan, groan and generally raise hell because we don’t do it the way they would. And, bottom line, they hate us because we’re strong enough to not be drunks and because we’re strong enough to do the right thing day in and day out.
Do yourself a huge favor, and now that you’re gone, stay gone. Drunks rarely change, and as long as they think there’s a chance to suck you back in, they’ll say anything. They lie like they breathe, without thinking, as long as the lies will let them continue their affair with the bottle. You’ll never come first, or even a close second, to the booze. Very few sane people are strong enough to live with a drunk. It’s too hard and it costs too much, in every sense of the word. You’ll be in my thoughts and my prayers for you are that you stay strong and stay gone.
Alcoholics must arrive to the place we wish them to be of their own accord. No amount of cajoling, threatening, half attempts at walking out on them will succeed. They are immune to that sort of behaviour in the sober ones of their lives. They have developed strategies for coping with their sober friends, lovers, wives, husbands, siblings, family in general or well meaning acquaintances. They lie, deny, reject or turn a blind eye to the truth that is their life. It is up to us, as the passive partner, family or friend to decide to do what is right for us and our loved ones and let them arrive to their own demise and continue as they are or take the plunge and do something sobering for themselves.
My point is live your life the way you want it and don’t try to mould the life and living of your alcoholic. If you can live with them and accept them have a great or greater love for their bottle then that could work but if you can’t or don’t like the ugly side to the bottle and what it brings out in them then walk away now and don’t go back until they meet what you expect in your life. It is possible to live with an alcoholic, but not an abusive one. So set the rules and don’t let them manipulate you or let them bend those rules and boundaries even a little bit. Stay firm with the boundaries.
Blessings to you all out there as you try to fathom the extent of alcoholism in your lives and may you make wise decisions for yourself and your nearest and dearest and I’m not talking about the alcoholic, more the kids involved. God give you all strength to chose wisely and live life as He intended – with love, compassion, understanding, strength and joy. Find your answer and your path in life and live as God intended for you to live.
Hi all. Just wanted to share my story. I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend after 2 1/2 years. He never hit me but would become verbally and emotionally abusive and would blame me for things, as well as the whole world. He claimed that his job and his weekend gigs playing in a band were the reasons for his drinking and that he was so stressed out. He would disappear for days at a time and then tell me he was a grownup and could do as he pleased. He is a manipulative, self-centered man-child. The sad part is, he has so many good traits, but just can’t get past the drinking. He may have been cheating on me, but I don’t know. He’s just so evasive, but I heard that’s a norm for them. I thank God every day that I didn’t move in or marry this man as he was talking about. The past 4 days have been so peaceful. My advice to anyone is to get out and stay out. You cannot change them and will always be second to the bottle. Blessings to everyone and I hope you all have the strength and fortitude to say I am worthy of a happy life:)
Thanks for sharing Kathryn! My children and I have not lived with my ex AH in over 2 years and it is so wonderful to not have that constant stress and chaos in our lives. We are all worthy of a happy life and need to decide how we want to live when making our choices about staying or going.
I have been with a alcoholic boyfriend for two years.
I want to leave him I just really love him.
I feel worse after we are together.
I know what I need to do
I just need a push
Hi. I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship with an alcoholic musician. He was lots of fun for awhile. But under the fun lies confusion, verbal abuse, irresponsibility, and unreliability. Alcoholics are self-centered children and by cleaning up after him you are enabling his behavior. They seek out people who will do this. You will never come first, the bottle will always, always come first. It is his true love. They are sad, tortured souls. I still miss mine, but I will never, ever go back unless he quits which I am not banking on. My advice to you is to read up on co-dependency and then run like hell and never look back. They don’t date you, they take you prisoner. Look yourself enough to get free.
Denise you said it yourself “I feel worse after we are together.” Why stay? Don’t confuse feeling responsible for soemone for the feeling of love. I am sure you care about him but what do you like about him to make you stay? If you feel awful when you are with him you are only hurting yourself by staying. You will not be happy with him. I made that mistake and now that i am away from my ex ah i do not miss him or the drama that always came along with being with him.
I feel for all of you! Nine months ago I said goodbye to my alcoholic boyfriend. It was a cordial goodbye and he honored my request for no contact (I gave him a specific time frame). The night before last he contacted me with a sweet text which reminded me of the reason I love him. I didn’t take the bait and with heart in my chest, told him that I could not have a phone conversation. He left it up to me and I am proud of myself for saying, “no”. BUT, I feel a great deal of guilt for making this stance and staying true to myself. I will say to each of you that I couldn’t have left without the help and support of a great therapist. My entire family grieves the loss of this person but they all knew the struggles that I had with his lying and womanizing. My self-esteem was taken away little by little and now with a new man in my life, I am slowly learning to go more slowly and to love myself before any other. I remain in therapy, read a lot and am trying to find myself and to live out my hopes and dreams. AL-anon wasn’t right for me but I found my strength and walked. Only now am I able to do some of the things alone that we enjoyed as a couple. Time does help but the loss is worse than my divorce from my husband of 16 years. Worse because I know his potential, his fears and his dreams that are fading with each drink. I regularly send him prayers for blessings and healing. He has to do it without me. I miss him, but I am not going back to the familiarity. I will continue to explore this new relationship and the laughter it gives me. It is scary because I don’t trust my judgment but the therapist keeps me honest. Blessings to each of us! We are stronger than we know.