Does The Alcoholic Make You Feel Worthless?

Confused WomanI was once the most important person in my spouses life, now I’m called worthless by the alcoholic. There was a time when I could do no wrong in my wife’s eyes; now the addict tells me I’m good for nothing all of the time. My husband used to acknowledge all the little things that I do around the house, like the cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and making sure that the bills get paid on time; now the drunk is constantly battering me down making me feel as though I never do enough. Can you identify with a few of those experiences?

Where can my sense of worth be found? Self-worth certainly is not discovered in other peoples opinions of me!

Feelings are neither wrong nor right, they just are what they are… feelings. Claudia and David Arp have made this statement: “feelings are fragile and we must handle them with care.” When I think of how the alcoholic handles my feelings, it’s far from treating them with care. Most of the time they are trampled under foot. For this reason, I’ve learned how to stuff my feelings and not express them to the alcoholic. Still, I can handle my feelings with care by being kind to myself even when others are not so kind to me.

Upset LadyWhen I think back to interacting with a family member who has a drinking problem, I can identify situations where I shared my feelings with him and then he went into an angry rage. That pretty much put an end to ever sharing my thoughts or experiences with him when he was drunk. I am now very careful to make sure that he is totally sober before sharing how I feel about things.

I don’t know about you, but it’s taken me years of interacting in support groups to get to the point of knowing I am valuable even when an alcoholic willingly or unwillingly tries to make me feel worthless. For me the victory was won when I started loving myself apart from the alcoholic’s opinions of me. The simple word that describes how I did it is “detachment.” Somehow I reached the point where the opinions that the addict directed toward me were just that, their opinions. I moved from believing that their opinions of me were truth to seeing the real truth of who I am. I am a wonderful person. I was created to be exactly who I am.

It took a lot of work and a considerable amount of time to move from moping in reaction to my thoughts to coping with them in a healthy way. The battle of moving from worthlessness to worthiness was won in my mind. It’s all about my own opinion of myself.

The problem with being in a co-dependant relationship with an alcoholic is that we are constantly seeking their approval. When they praise us we are up; when they shut us out we are down. When I finally started enjoying my life apart from the alcoholic that’s when my self-worth was realized. I had to find the things in life that contributed to building self-esteem. Once I had a clearer view of who I was apart from who the alcoholic made me out to be, I was a much stronger person.

Here’s one key that really helped me transition from feeling like a low life to living in the high life. . Not everything the alcoholic says about me is true. Think about that for a while in light of how you are treated by your alcoholic spouse, friend, coworker or loved one. When I realized that there were many things that just were not true that the problem drinker in my life was constantly lavishing on me, I was able to just say to them; “that’s your opinion,” and then walk away without being devastated by their negativity.

52 comments to Does The Alcoholic Make You Feel Worthless?

  • sc

    I have been away from my xah for a year and some of the things he said still makes me feel not good enough. I know I have to overcome this but it still hurts.

  • Terri

    I don’t value the opinion of the alcoholic or believe his negative comments. However, my biggest obstacle is just avoiding him.
    My alcoholic husband refuses to stop talking when he is imbibed. I try to escape to another room or go for nightly walks or a trip to the store, not to buy anything but as a means of escape. How do you avoid someone when you share the home and they refuse to ignore you?
    It drives me crazy. How do you escape this alcoholic without actually leaving the house? I want to come home and relax not hear his stories repeatedly about yesteryear and how if he knocks off I won’t know how to do anything. I need a break.

  • C

    Terri: I must have been dating your husband’s twin!! Mine reminds me that he knows everything and I would be lost without him!!

    I find the longer you are around an alcoholic, the stronger you become. He no longer gets to me – he knows how I feel about the alcohol, and he is trying to stop. I’m not the only reason – we have a lot of friends who think we are super together and I think he would hate to lose the social life we have.

    I used to become enraged, but I find it only hurts me physically.

    Hope you are doing very well. Take good care.

  • James

    I got away from my xah 6 months ago and I’m starting to get back to normal mentally. Please bare with me here, I fly, I paint, I play piano, I had gold jewelry from my family that was 100’s of years old, a beautiful home, car, business….and it all vanished!!! I was made to feel worthless…the only thing that mattered was her boozing and getting drunk until she completely passed out drunk…night after night. Nothing else mattered.

    All the gold ended up in the pawnshop or vanished (her “friends” used to steal her jewelry when she was passed out), I stopped painting, I didn’t play the piano anymore, we never went flying together, the house I had to walk away from as she put a contract out on me and I was told to “get outa town fast”, the car I still have but I had to give her half it’s value in cash when we divorced even though I had paid for it in full, and the business, well, who wants to come to a restaurant where the owner is drunk every night…?

    Now I’m living with a sweet and gifted girl who DOES appreciate me and my talents are appreciated. I am painting again, I play my piano and life is good and I relish every day I wake up…not to a nightmare my life used to be. Friends, how do we allow a drunk in and ruin our lives as we do?

  • Karens

    No, they are TRIPLETS and much more and many more are out there. The alcoholic is very manipulative and if we fail
    to recognize that they are trying to control everything
    around them they can make us very miserable. I had to work
    on myself daily, hourly and from one moment to the next to
    avoid the hurtful things he would say. They are controlled
    every minute by the mindset that the alcohol creates. You,
    as a spouse or in the direct path of the alcoholic, must
    learn to divert this nastiness into positive clear thinking
    for your behalf.

    Learning to look the other way, give no answer or opinion.
    let their words fall to the floor just like the empty beer
    bottle. After all, it is the alcohol that creates his problem, you do NOT. Letting a brown bottle control my every thought would only make me as weak as he is. wE
    are strong. God is strong and wise, he will give you
    control over your life. surely he is not happy with any
    abuse. He will show you a way to handle your situation.
    Somedays are better than others. Always remember you
    may have to change you and find your way as each situation
    and individual is different. Tomorrow may not be better,
    but looking over your life and your decisions can help
    you find a way to a reasonable comfortable life style
    that will work for you. Good luck. and Many. Many, prayers

  • Sheila

    James, you’ve come a long way since your earlier posts. I’m happy for you that you’re finding yourself joy again.

  • Ben E.

    James, the ruining of my life was such a slow process. One day I was head over heels in love and several years later… I was angry, upset, beaten down, belittled, depressed, hopeless, frustrated, confused and felt my life was worth nothing to the alcoholic.

    I was being yelled at, spit on, physically pushed, hit, called every nasty name imaginable and treated worse than the dog we owned by the alcoholic in my life. Oh yea, I totally felt worthless. My feelings were stepped on every time I became vulnerable…Eventually I shut down and stopped sharing hardly anything with her at all.

    I love this article. I can so identify with the importance of not letting the alcoholics negative opinion crush me. I did that for about five years before I learned how to detach from her opinions of me. It took a ton of Al-anon meetings and a couple of years before I actually started realizing my self-worth again.

  • Ben E.

    Karen, I love what you said; “letting their words fall to the floor.” That’s a great visual. If I can not let the words of an alcoholic penetrate my being, they will have no effect on me…WOW, what a concept!

  • Nancy

    James:I have wondered for a long time how I ever allowed a drunk to come into my life! My 3 siblings did too. Our parents weren’t alcoholics. In the past year I have come to believe my mother is a narcassist, and behaves guite similarly to an alcoholic.
    I have been with the alcoholic in my life over 8 years. He tries to be quite savvy when he says negative things to me. Because he is a yeller and screamer with the kids,I didn’t catch onto it for awhile. But I know now.
    I have also learned I cannot go to him with personal problems because if I do, when he drinks, he uses them against me.

  • kaz

    ah Karens … you make me laugh … thank you 🙂

  • Karen

    OMG. My A male friend must be related to all the other ones mentioned above. He degrads me every time we are together and I am still trying to figure out why I even go around him. I have learned to make my own plans because there is no plans with him. Only drinking and getting high. We used to listen to music and dance and even get a little romantic with each other. But I come to realize that it was not real,the whole situation was done under the influence of alcohol which really did havoc to my mental state and emotions. Now we do nothing with each other. So there is nothing left between us…which is probably a good thing. But has left me confused and mistrusting. I am having a difficult time thinking that he would lie to me,but all A’s are liars,but he accuses me of telling the lies. Everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie according to him. Why is it so difficult to just cut the ties with him completly. It is a go-no-where situation. I know that I am a good person, but he thinks differently. The anxiety that comes with situation is unbearable. But, it is no longer about him,he is a loser,it is now all about me and how to fix me and be happy again.

  • maria

    Of course. I know logically it’s not true, but by my AH filing for divorce, his basic message to me is……”I am dumping you because you are not worthy of me” And that’s just one of his addictions. All those years I had plenty of solid reasons to divorce him, and I believe most women would have, but yet I stayed on………only to be dumped and rejected in the end.

  • Sandy

    I think we have quadruplets-mines a ditto, thank God now that he’s sober his “circle talking” as I call it isn’t as bad, it’s not like trying to talk to a merry go round as much . . I’d walk away with my head spinning when he’d let me; but most of the time when he was drunk he’d follow me to any corner of the house I’d go to to escape him; he’d stand between me and the door and would not let me leave . . if he’d go outside to smoke a cigar I’d lock the doors until he’d start trying to break them down . . being rational and concerned about how their behavior affects others just isn’t in their make up . . and in the beginning stages of recovery, they still have a long way to go . . my AH has had an addiction for 35 years, only God knows how long it’s going to take him to even begin to heal . . he still spouts off and makes me feel bad about myself and I hate when I react to him as it gets me nowhere, just makes me feel worse . . how can they be so oblivious to so many things but dead on target at pushing our buttons, never ceases to amaze me . .

  • C

    Thank you for sharing all of your stories. What a great bunch of friends we have here. There are so many similarities in each of our interactions with alcoholic friends/spouses. I am grateful for the support here.

    Wishing everyone a peaceful week.

  • Terri

    I loved Karen’s comment about letting a brown bottle control my every thought would only make me as weak as he is. I agree the best option is to ignore him. There have been one too many times when I just wish I could choose to apply some adhesive to my mouth before I respond to his incoherent comments. Thanks for sharing, this is a great topic, I just wish there was a way to stop the cloning process.

  • Karens

    It would be great if we could stop the cloning process.
    Heaven on earth!!!! That’s why we change us. We can
    learn to love friends and family to live a loving life.
    We do not have to hunger for the love of an AH who will never return it. Why be crushed, the AH looses and in the end you will have everything to gain. I never thought
    my marriage would have to be lived this way. But it is what it is. In my mind, Terri, I probably gone through
    a case of 500 yards of silver tape keeping my mouth shut.
    It is kinda funny when you realized how that imaginary
    tape has given you control over your actions and strength
    to laugh inside your self. You are a winner and you are
    making a better life for yourself

  • sc

    Sandy, Interesting article on the dd.

    Self-Righteousness

    When an individual is self-righteous, it doesn’t always support the feeling that they are better than others or above the law. In fact, a self-righteous, or “grandiose,” attitude can simply be a way of feeling sorry for yourself in an attempt to attract attention. For the dry alcoholic, self-righteousness is a red flag that the road to recovery may be failing. In the book “The Dry Drunk Syndrome” by R.J. Solberg, the self-righteousness that is expressed by a dry alcoholic is described as an exaggeration of importance which may simply hide a self-described weakness.

    Judgmentalism

    Judgmental behavior is not only bad for the self-esteem of others, but it is also harmful for an alcoholic in recovery. AA Canada.com explains that judgmentalism results in the inappropriate devaluing of another individual and is closely related to grandiosity. Judgmental behavior inflates the alcoholic’s ego, giving him a false sense of security. When the ego is later broken, feelings of unworthiness can begin to set in, causing the alcoholic to find comfort in alcohol once again.

  • Timothy O.

    I love the comment about stopping the cloning process. It made me think of this article: https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2010/06/personality-attributes-problem-drinker/. My alcoholic is the queen of beating me down to the point of feeling worthless. Male or female, rich or poor, no matter what race, it’s the same old tune being played…alcoholics treat others with little respect.

    It is a disease that has similar symptoms even though all of our stories are NOT the same.

  • Sandy

    So talk about feeling worthless today, my recovering AH was in a total “dry drunk” mode last night; I came home from work and he was at me like a fly on honey before I even got the door closed; and folks, my resistance was down, I was exhausted, and I lost it . . I came back at him with double barrels, I said everything I could think of to make him feel as low and worthless as I possibly could; I wanted revenge . . it worked . . don’t fret, he got his kicks in on me too – worthless?? yes . . beyond belief for what he said and for what I said – I hate when I lose control like that, I’m mad as hell at him and myself – I do have a ? – I know I’m supposed to let go and etc. . . but his behavior last night was classic of how he is when drinking; I . . asked him if he had been drinking . . is that wrong of me? should I just not do that? How do you not be a doormat when they act like that? Thank God he never laid a hand on me but man . . the words hurt . . bad . .

  • stacy

    All I can say is, “wow! All the comments sound like different stages in my life too. Yes, the are extremely inconsiderate, self righteous, judgemental. So sad. I can’t even imagine treating someone the way my AB treats me. Last night, we were eating nachos he had made for us. We were done and I grabbed ONE chip out of the bag and he just went into a rude, cruel mode telling me that why don’t I just take the whole bag, insinuating that I am a pig and going to be fat, etc. He constantly squeals at me like a pig if I take another helping of food, and I am far from being overweight! I just ignore him but a small part of me feels very belittled by it. And it does make you feel as though you are gorging when you are not. It makes me so angry even though I ignore it!!

  • Sandy

    OMG . . my AH compares his abusica alcoholic behavior to me eating a cookie and being chubby . . I tell him the cookie doesn’t make me a monster . . he thinks they are in the same ballpark . . that me “being” chubby is just as bad as him getting drunk and throwing me against a wall; how can you argue with that logic??? Unbelievable . . and I won’t even go into the horrible things he calls me . . make my father turn over in his grave . .

  • Sally

    I’ve been visiting my momma for her 83rd b’day over the long Labor Day weekend and am catching up on what’s going on with everyone. Oh my goodness! The memories all your stories bring back. Blessedly, I was never tempted to believe anything my drunk ex- ever said about me or to me. When he was sober or, more accurately, simply not knee-walking drunk, I was the greatest person, much better then he deserved, blah, blah, blah. After he reached a certain point, the real feelings were free to come out. All of his criticisms of me had to do with what he resented about me, because I’m well educated, fairly intelligent, resourceful, capable, driven, confident, disciplined and pretty much no-nonsense. In short, everything he’s not. Drunks are heavy handed with their criticism of anyone close to them because they’re jealous that we are what they can never be. My drunk ex- was obsessed with making the judgment about almost everyone that they were fat, including me. Uh…I’m 5’6″, 130 lbs. I always answered him with the truth, “No, I’m not fat and I know it.” Later on in the relationship I began to ask him if he’d looked in the mirror lately. Like many drunks, he had a fierce beer gut that hung over his belt quite a distance. It rattled him that he couldn’t get a rise out of me, no matter what he said. His taunts couldn’t bother me, because I always considered the source of the mean words – him. Why would I let words coming from someone whose judgment I didn’t value hurt me? Given how badly his judgment had served him, it was no stretch to disregard anything he had to say about me. As I told him one time, the mean things he said about other people said more about him than it did about them. A drunk is never a person whose valuations can be taken seriously. A drunk’s perceptions of people are as warped as anything else in their lives, and not worth the oxygen they consume to give voice to them. So, when your drunks go off the deep end with the hateful jibes, just consider the source and ignore them. You know they’re full of crap, so why would you ever take anything they say to heart? Stay strong!

  • Sandy

    Sally . . thank you, what an awesome post!!! I feel so strong and grounded after reading it . . and what you said is so so true. My AH dropped out of school at the age of 14 and got hooked on drugs and moved on to alcohol so his maturity level is probably still of a 14 year old, he is so threatened by the fact that I finished school and even got a 2 yr college degree; he is always trying to belittle me because he’s not educated – I’ve tried to talk to him about getting a GED when he’s coherant etc. if it bothers him so much; but he’s too lazy apparently – and then your comment about the beer gut . . my AH’s gut is almost to his knees, and he calls me Orca . . I’ll be honest, a couple times in retaliation I’ve let fly and called him the Pillsbury Dough Boy; that goes over like a lead balloon . . but you are right; I need to consider the source and not let it bother me, so much of what he says is to make other people feel like crap about themselves so he can feel better about himself . . thank you, I’m really going to try and focus on your advise . . advise is only good advise if you take it :o) again, thank you . .

  • Karens

    If you CANNOT TAKE THE HEAT GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

    If anyone is physically abusive run…..remember the AH
    is a control freak. If abusive behavior gives him control
    he will continue to do so. Watch for signs in his mood
    and alcohol consumption. Leave if he is getting into an
    abusive state. Do not stick around and be beaten to death.

  • stacy

    Sally, you are SO right about when the drink says mean things about people it says more them as it does the people they are talking about. I am SO going to use that! Mine has real insecurity issues when it comes to any man I encounter. My horseshoer came out today, and I knew yesterday he was coming bit I chose mort to tell him.last night because I DID NOT want to hear his sarcastic bullshit about him. He is Mexican and he calls him “my Mexican” and has accused me of being attracted to him, wanting to out with him, wanting to have sex with him etc. So this morning, I texted him and told him he was coming and said to him just what I said above, that I didn’t want to hear his crap and I shouldn’t have to deal with it for hiring someone to do a job for me. He let it go most of the day but told me tonight that I just make it worse by not telling him. Why can he not see that he is the reason I don’t tell him things? I can’t tell him hardly anything about my day that I don’t hear how many times did I get asked.out. it is completely rediculous. My boyfriend is an absolutely strikingly good looking man, bald bit still gorgeous. Has a little beer belly starting but is built very well. For the life of me I cannot figure out why he is so insecure. ????
    Sandy, my boyfriend is bad to an extent but my God girl, your ah is unreal!! Sounds like he not only verbally abuses you, there is a whole bunch of physical abuse too. I hope you can find the strength to get away from him before he REALLY hurts you.

  • Sandy

    Well Stacy, as long as he doesn’t drink he isn’t physically violent, so that has stopped now that he’s sober; but yes he still needs to work on the verbal abuse, he’s dealing with 35 years of a learned behavior and he was abused by his father as a child so it’s in his blood as is the drinking – I had him put in jail once, he knows I have no problem doing it again if he touches me in an abusive manner; I do have him “by the balls” a bit as he likes to put it . . but I must say he and your ABF have a lot in common in the jealousy arena . . that’s why mine doesn’t want me to do anything without him other than go to and from work; he doesn’t trust me no further than he can throw me . . and I’ve done NOTHING to give him any indication that I’m not being true to him; in fact I think I’m loyal to a fault – go figure . . I’m just trying to take it one day at a time and see where God takes us for now . .

  • Sally

    Ladies, the only advice I can give is keep fighting the good fight. My drunk ex- tried the jealousy crap with me but I kept shutting him down. I let him know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t the center of my universe, that God had that place in my life. He’d pout and usually be knee-walking drunk on the rare nights I’d have dinner with my two closest girlfriends, but I told him I had no intention of not seeing them, that I’d known them much longer than him and they’re as important to me as any of his so-called good friends supposedly were to him. I also made it quite plain from the beginning that I don’t play – I think too much of myself to lower myself to acting like trailer trash. If he ever tried to insinuate that I’d find someone to replace him, I wasn’t shy about the fact that the last thing I’d ever want was another man to have to take care of. They’re simply too much work. I’m quite content being alone now, and anyone else in my life is more than I have time or energy for most days. I make time for family, but even they’re exhausting most of the time, so I keep visits short.

    I understand about your drunk having a derogatory name for anyone who’s not like him. Mine had names for everyone, and they were all hateful and mean. All they did was show him for the narrow-minded, racist, bigot he is, and all any of it did was cause me to lose any respect I might have had for him. That’s part of the reason I left – I can’t be around anyone I can’t respect, and I certainly wasn’t going to waste any of the precious years I have left in the company of such a person.

    Sandy and Stacy, stay strong and stand tall. You’ll eventually prevail if you flatly refuse to allow the drunks in your lives to drag you down to their level. You’re better people than that, and you know it. The best drunks deserve is our pity, and that’s all they deserve. They certainly don’t deserve the rest of our lives. You’re in my prayers.

  • Sandy

    Sally thank you for your wonderful supportive words – when you said ” I wasn’t shy about the fact that the last thing I’d ever want was another man to have to take care of. They’re simply too much work.” boy this rings true with me because I have made that very clear to my AH that I don’t need him nor any man and that if we don’t make it the last thing I want is another “man” to take care of . . then he accuses me of changing sides and wanting to be gay . . and I usually respond with “that may not be such a bad idea, hell at least another women would know what I want cause she no doubt wants the same thing” that usually shuts him up . . but he is so jealous he does get weird when I want to hang out with my girlfriends for something as simple as lunch; he’s definitely got some brain damage going on from all the years of drugs and alcohol . .

  • JC

    Sounds like maybe we should change the title of the article to “Do You Consider Your Jealous Alcoholic To Be Worthless?”

    Very insightful conversation happening here. Makes me think of times past when I’ve acted like an idiot out of jealousy. Seems like there’s always two sides to the story though.

    Don’t want to get to far off track here, an angry, jealous alcoholic can sure cause a lot of emotional damage. They can certainly “TRY” to makes us feel worthless when their insecurities get out of hand.

    Yes, we must stay true to our commitment to relationship we are in and true to ourselves by not letting any “drunk” treat us like a doormat.

  • Sheila

    It’s not right to yell at, to demean, or say ugly things to a lady.
    I shook up my alcoholic husband when I summoned up the courage to speak to him the next day and pointed out his innappropriate way of speaking to me and our daughter. “There are two ladies that live in this house, and it is wrong to speak to us that way.”
    I guess it startled him because I had rarely ever stood up for myself. I had lost myself and fallen into peace at any price.
    I followed it up with “Get to AA; and it’s not optional.”
    A year later, after a bunch of second chances, I kept my word which I was fully prepared to do from the moment I stated that.

    Guys, it’s not right to speak/act that way to a gentleman either. It is unacceptable behavior.

  • janet

    James,
    Thank you for sharing this.
    This is exactly what I needed to hear.

    I too have lost myself. Now he is seeing someone else.
    And I am recovering slowly.

    Can you help me though?
    I go back and forth start to feel better
    but then I get jealous he is with someone else.

  • John

    Janet, take care of yourself by doing things you love to do. Don’t take it personally that he has found someone to be with. That’s just what alcoholics and addicts do. My ex was living with someone within two months of us separating after the divorce papers were filed. A good friend had informed me when she heard we were getting divorced that I’d be replaced and I was, very quickly. You cannot make sense of the insanity, so don’t waste your time trying. Accept that the relationship is over and enjoy the serenity you are now experiencing.

    You are not worthless! You were created to be exactly who you are. Janet, you are a beautiful person with a purpose and destiny designed specifically for you. Take time to step into the things that you are gifted in.

  • janet

    Those are kind word. Thank you John.

  • janet

    John – this helped me as I have had many mean things said to me
    All I wanted to do was to talk to him about what upset me.
    And he acted all stressed out

  • janet

    IS this common with alcoholics that we can not even
    have a normal conversation??

  • Karens

    All to common. My ah just had his left hip replaced and
    even getting him into my car was a miracle. Of course, the route I wanted to use was wrong, I was driving too fast then to slow. When we got back home I literally pulled his leg out of the car just as I had to get him into it. Then, where was his tobacco and he was going to smoke and changed his mind to go to the garage where
    his beer was. It has been 3 hours now since his pain med
    so he will be in. Has he said, I love you, I missed you,
    thanks for getting me into and out of the car. No. no, no

  • Karens

    The problem there in, why do we love them so much?
    Is that love has become so important that we never want
    to give in to the truth in our lives. We love, and love.
    We give and give. The AH would never do that. I,OK,
    resent it. They say one day he will break the camels back, MEANING ME. I know why he cannot love, why he cannot give up the alcohol,I know that. But why
    do I let myself become the emotional heap at the end of
    the day. Waiting, waiting,for him to give it up.
    Stand by your MAN. Longest story some one wrote.
    Their treachery kills us as their alcohol seems to lift
    them up. They gave him beer at the hospital, he declared
    he was just a really “Special guy.”

  • I wanted to share my story.
    I was dating a man who is a full blown alcoholic.
    he drinks about 12 beers every night til he is drunk

    I fell in love with him but during the crazy situation
    I was trying to keep my son from being around it.

    I was waiting until he got sober but he he knew he had to get sober but
    could not make plans to go to detox because he did not want his work to know.
    Crazy me stayed hoping somehow someway i could make it work.

    I would break up with him all the time because we could not communicate.
    I guess I was in hoping to communicate with a drunk?
    Right??

  • janet

    the problem for me is that I have been conditioned to stay in alcoholism.
    Its part of who I am being with an alcoholic feels normal…

    However when I had my son 15 years ago I realized the mother instincts took over
    and I could not keep my son in it. So I did not stay with my sons father who drank.

    I know I am very ill because now I still want to be with the man who is drinking
    because I am in love with him. But I love my son too much.

    Sometimes I can see myself getting better but alw ays being pulled backwards.
    Does anyone have any suggestions to this horrible disease.
    Thank you for an y suggestions.

  • janet

    The part I need help is I have trouble moving forward
    doing things I enjoy being healthy.
    Its a horrible addiction that I have staying out.

  • Debbi

    Janet:

    Your words are my words. It hurts to watch my A go on to another woman. I keep reminding myself he will repeat the pattern with her too & I need to move on–but like you I feel immobolized and unable to do that.

    Well meaning people said, go out, go on a date. They do not understand the depth of our pain & we are not ready to move on yet.

    Maybe this will help you as it did me. I told myself “don’t move forward or move on yet, all your tears are not shed yet”. If you are not ready, don’t force it. It’s okay to be where we’re at right now…the grieving stage. And when we’re ready we will move on. We need the time to grieve and heal and that’s okay too.

    I did try to pick up one hobby that I had not been doing for awhile–knitting and I find it keeps my hands busy while my mind can wander. I let myself feel the pain and let it pass.

    Take your time-be gentle on yourself–no need to move forward until you are ready–it’s your decision now. No one else’s.

    Take Care & Keep Posting.

  • janet

    yes i have hobbys that I can not do right now.
    I can still go to work and church and take care of my son.

    But I can not enjoy reg things as I am grieving.
    I know this disease is too much for me to bear.

    They say its like a snake
    We know it was alcoholism and it would bite

    I just love him and not sure how to let him go.

  • janet

    Maybe we could support each other Debbi if you wanted.
    Janet

  • janet

    Is it normal when trying to have a relationship with an alcoholic
    when trying to discuss things as they come up
    that t hey think you are obsessing instead of discussing something.

    Like my bf at the time said i mentioned the l word
    so when i said we can just date its ok instead of getting serious

    he said i was obsessing
    then when i brought it up and said soyou are not in love with me?
    He said i was obsessing and he was stresed out?

  • janet

    Can someone help me.
    I having withdrawal from not being able to see the alcoholic as now he has another girlfriend.
    Having trouble going to work today.

  • Linda

    JANET,
    I can relate to your post. my A says the same things to me when trying to discuss any thing. I’m thinking they don’t what to deal with anything especially ARE feeling. makes it to real. Denying makes it not real. My A has been sober for over a year. Same actions….

  • linda

    Sc
    I can totally relate to your post. I feel I’m dealing with a dry drunk. Same behaviors or having some fit’s. Throwing things’or silent treatment ‘then turn and say he loves me. This jeckal Hyde is crazy. Or we are dam if we do or famed if we don’t. Need to get away. And cut all contact.

  • Veronica

    finally someone who makes sense my relationship this person came blamed me sd I haven’t drunk yet he had a 40 ouncer a can then i left he followed me sd let me go in the house of my exs which is where my daughters live there in there20s I was like no how would you like it if that was reversed sd didn’t care came back here poured beer on my front door couldn’t believe there I was done yea I think about him and its how he treated me his love was good yet fake looking back there was some love I heard they tell you the truth when there drinking he was here that day blaming acussing yet at exs love you baby ok all I do is put him in gods hands!!!

  • Veronica

    oh relationship over !!!!!

  • Brenda M

    I am reading all of these (which many are getting old) and finding comfort in not being alone. I have an Alcoholica/drug addicted bf-fiance and feel totally worthless. The lying, cheating – trying to cheat, spending all money on alcohol and drugs. He beats me down so I feel worthless and then tells me I’m mean when I say he’s abusive or “your an alcoholic/addict and need help”. My heart hurts all the time. I can’t say anything, it all turns into an argument. All my other relationships are normal, but he says it’s because they don’t have to live with me. I try to be invisible. It makes me so angry.

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