Alison, I’ve heard that most alcoholics are fun to be with. I’m sure he started out to be a great guy. How disappointing you must have been when he got sober and decided to stay married. I have taken the time to link various text within your article to information that may be helpful for you. If I was in your position, I’d steer clear. I value my serenity too much to have it disrupted by being involved in a dysfunctional relationship.
Guest Post By: Alison
7 years ago I met a really great guy at church who was very attractive and we clicked. All seemed good at first, but little did I know he was an alcoholic. I did find this out early on in our relationship, but I had already fallen for him quite a bit, so I found it hard to just cut him off.
I confronted him as kindly as I could, but he wasn’t ready to get help and so I told him we had to scale back our relationship to friendship. That was probably my first mistake but I was trying to be caring and not condemning. We then embarked on a horrible roller coaster (see Tensions Associated With Alcoholism) of trying to be friends, but sometimes we’d end up in bed.
I tried not to get into arguments when he was drunk and he would get desperate and darkly suicidal (Worried Alcoholic Will Commit Suicide) and call me or show up at my place. He lied to me that he was divorced, but he was just separated, so I felt even worse that I’d been messing around with someone’s husband. All through this I felt very alone and very sucked in. No one, including the pastor, would believe me that he was a drinker, as he could still go to work, still looked OK at church and told everyone he just liked a couple of beers at the end of the day and I was overreacting. I didn’t tell them because I was telling tales, I told them because I thought I needed their help.
I had no idea that I was enabling him in this behavior at the time and tried to do everything that I thought a good christian should do, prayed for him and with him, tried to get him to church, nagged him about his drinking and his health, showed up at his house with healthy food, cleaned his house, listened to all of his drunk rantings, got him the Bible on tape. I had no idea how I was making it worse for both of us and getting in the way. (You might enjoy reading about How To Have Tough Love With An Alcoholic.)
I eventually told him he had to get sober and that I would pray for him, but I couldn’t support him any more. He finally went to rehab, got sober and went back to his wife.
Fast forward 7 years and he contacted me again. He is going through a divorce and has been split from his wife for a year. He wanted to see me…I am single and allowed myself to hope that maybe things would be different this time and he was sober and coming back to be with me the right way. But no…sadly he is drinking as bad as ever and tried to be sexual with me the first time we met up. I was so bitterly disappointed that he’d not succeeded and that nothing had changed, and worried that he is killing himself.
He is now saying he wants to be friends and didn’t mean to ‘lead me on’ but although I do still love him in many ways I now have a 2 year old child to think of as well as myself. I guess I need encouragement and strength/wisdom to know what to do for the best. (This is one of my favorite posts on our site: How To Have A Happy Life With An Alcoholic.)
My instinct says cut him off and tell him to come back when he’s sober for a year, but my heart is wanting a softer option. Part of me is disgusted with myself that I am even in this quandary again. I will be so grateful for any advice or wisdom anyone has.
Alison, I think you know what the best thing to do is for you and your daughter in this situation. Having an Alcoholic Boyfriend is going to be nothing but trouble. I highly recommend that you read the comments below this article: Husband’s Alcoholism Getting Worse.