Is it possible that we’ve felt insecure all of our lives? Can an alcoholic fulfill our needs for significance, certainty, connection and love? When trust is broken, can one feel secure in their relationship? What is it that I am actually afraid of that causes this fear-based emotion to rear its ugly head? Where does insecurity come from?
When we feel unloved because we think we are not enough that’s where the foundation of insecurity is formed.
- We’re not clever enough
- We aren’t beautiful enough
- We are not smart enough
- We are not innocent enough
In all relationships, not just with alcoholics, there are the possibilities of experiencing abandonment, rejection and situations where trust flies out the window. When we experience these things, where can we find a firm foundation to stand upon? If we cannot trust our partner, then how in the world can we feel secure in the relationship?
One of the healthiest things a relationship can have is trust. Alcoholics have a tendency to break trust on a regular basis, no wonder we feel so off balance at times. Even if sex is great, there exists an abundance of money and loads of thrilling adventures, without trust, relationships are destined to fail.
This quote is from Task:
“Essentially, trust says that I believe you will be there when I need you; I believe you will catch me if I fall; I believe you have my back. I believe you will always treat me with the same courtesy and respect, you’d want for yourself. Trust goes further and promises, I will keep your secrets; I will not betray you, no matter how tempted I may become; I will act with the utmost integrity and character where you are concerned. You are safe with me.”
Let’s face it, most alcoholics are not reliable. This is something that gets proven time and time again.
So it seems as though we need to re-anchor ourselves in order to feel more secure. This is why it’s vitally important for us to learn detachment techniques used in alcoholic relationships. This is why we teach that letting go of an alcoholic is so important. This is why so many people establish a close and intimate relationship with God. He promises to never leave or forsake us. Isn’t that what we have always wanted from anyone in our lives, not just our alcoholic spouse.
Discover the real you again. We get so lost in our relationships with others, especially with alcoholics. This is why we teach the importance of learning how to stop obsessing about an alcoholic all of the time. Surround yourself with people who will celebrate your gifts and you will feel better about who you are. Surround yourself with people who are considered winners not whiners and you will start overcoming some of your insecurities. Make a list of the things you love to do and do them without the alcoholic.
You are not worthless. You don’t have to own everything the alcoholic says about you. In order to overcome feeling insecure in your relationship with the alcoholic, you must not let the awful, untruthful things the problem drinker says penetrate to the heart. If an alcoholic makes you feel worthless, you can overcome this by not owning everything they say as being the gospel truth about you.
Learn how to have a happier life when alcoholism is present. You can change your daily routine in order to have more happiness in your life. Think about some of the things that make you happy. What’s keeping you from doing them? Set goals to overcome obstacles. Simple things in life that are free make me happy. For instance, listening to music makes me happy. I love to walk on the beach or through the woods near my home. I also enjoy playing the guitar and singing. When I focus on things that make me happy, I will for certain get happier. If I focus on the alcoholic all of the time, well….I think it would do all of us some good to just adapt a playful attitude in all situations, just have some fun for a change.
In order to overcome feeling insure in an alcoholic relationship we need to realize that we were created to be exactly who we are. We have to understand that we were created with unique gifts and talents that only we possess. The key to overcoming feeling insecure in our relationships is learning how to feel good about ourselves apart from what others think of us. This is why detachment, letting go of the alcoholic and breaking the obsession we have with the alcoholic is so important. The sooner we can break free from the enmeshment that causes us to be so affected by everything they do, the sooner we will feel better about ourselves.