Article From: Rebecca
Dating men who hide their alcoholism has been the story of my life. It is very difficult to accept that so many men have these addictions and I must have dated them all. My husband passed when I was 23, leaving me with a 3yr old and a newborn. I knew he had hidden some things from me, but I had no one to run to and I knew he loved me. I could never prove he was cheating or using pills until his funeral. It’s crazy the stories people tell at funerals.
It took me a long time to date again, but over the past 7 yrs the people I’ve dated have all been very deceptive. They’ve hid pills or drinking habits and as soon as I saw the truth… they were gone.
Until I met this new guy. I met him and felt like he was everything my children and I prayed for. He has 2 daughters and was amazing with them and my kids. We dated and moved in together and after about 6 months I found beer cans hidden around the house. He said they were old? I wanted to believe him, but why hide them? He began coming home late and being distant and then wanting to make love. His mood swings drive me batty (see: How To Deal With An Alcoholic’s Mood Swings). I have never seen a grown man whine and cry and act as if it is everyone else’s fault that they drink.
Now I’m finding crushed pills on my bathroom counter. I grabbed my kids and headed to grandmas last night. He had promised to think about his ways and not do anything stupid to hurt himself. He texted me how he was sorry again for being verbally degrading (see: Being Abused By An Alcoholic) and that he was cleaning and would focus on improving himself while I was away.
He promised he would not drink or crush pills and that he would do better. He did not know that a storm had turned the kids and I around until we were in the driveway. Then all of the deception was right in front of me. He was drinking and snorting pills. He said he did pills to clean the house (which was not clean) and drank because he couldn’t sleep alone unless he drank.
He twists the truth and manipulates and then begs for me to just get past it. Then he promises to never do it again. But it never lasts more than 3 -4 days. I’m very tired of trying to hide his crap from my kids. Exhausted with of mind mind games. I’m tired of my kids not being able to live normal lives because I chose a manipulative ass to fall in love with. I’m tired of people hiding who they really are until they feel like you are stuck with them. I’m just tired.
Please feel free to leave a comment further down the page.
JC:Thanks for sharing your story Rebecca. I can understand that you are fed up with all the shenanigans. It’s difficult when we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place. The phrase I am about to share is a simple concept that is difficult to submit to at times; “change your attitude or change your address”. I am confident that our readers will jump in to offer their wisdom with you. Here are a few articles you may find some ideas in:
Deceived By An Alcoholic
How Do Alcoholics Manipulate People
You Might Also Like:
A Woman’s Guide To Understanding Men
If he’s serious about quitting, suggest he get treatment then you’ll know that he means what he says.
I’m talking out loud…it’s just one persons perception.My husband of almost 24 yrs tried every trick in the book.But when presented with the treatment if he was serious.He refused.He still drinks.We are not together and he is sleeping with skanks you wouldn’t believe!! And he probably did it while we were together and he was in his relapses.
He’ll show himself serious when his ACTIONS show he’s serious.Believe ACTIONS not words.
Hugs and best of luck.Best way to deal with this in mho…..Take care of you and your kids and look our for those best interests and you will be OK!!
I have a history of dating immature and irresponsible men. My sponsor in al-anon said “your picker is broken”. Well, that’s it. Unless I learn and change, I shouldn’t expect a good man just walks into my life. Even if one does, I will just overlook him. So it’s about me! Hard and cold truth!
First of all, Rebecca, get yourself to Al-Anon right away! I know you don’t WANT to go; neither did I. But trust me, you NEED to be there.
Secondly, JC is right. You only have two choices–live with the active alcoholic/addict and find a way to make the best of it, or get out. Think about your young children, Rebecca. They are your priority right now. You have to consider them in every decision you make. Is this the environment you want them to grow up in? Is this the man you want them to model their behavior after?
What are the positives for you and your children in this relationship right now, Rebecca? How many are there? What are the negatives? At some point you will realize there really aren’t any positives left. That’s what happened to me. I was married for almost 23 years; for 11 of those years my husband was actively drinking and abusing prescription narcotics. Over the course of time my love for him slowly died; it was gradually murdered, like being poisoned. I left him a year ago and am in the process of a divorce. This last year has been my best year for a l-o-n-g time, despite the fact that I had to move into an apartment, sell my house, and my father passed away. That should tell you something.
Good luck, Rebecca. Look out for yourself and your children. Don’t “settle” for a bad relationship just because you’d like to be in a relationship.
Diane…it’s amazing, the similaritites our situations have with one another.
The length of marriage,length of exhusbands (I’m calling him ex,though we are almost divorced)separation
AND length of time being active in his addictions in the marriage.
I’m calling him EX in my mind now, in the hopes that I can weed out any hope that I may be holdng onto-which will only set me up to be hurt when he acts like he does.
I married an alcoholic.
I knew she had a drinking problem. So did I at one time.
I chose to stop and stopped instantly 15 years ago. No AA, no classes, no group.
It was told me by my doctor, my drinking or my job. I stopped on the spot.
I made the choice and thought it was all that easy. It was for me becaeu I wanted to stop.
So, I thought my fiancees drinking was all gone as I was told a year before our marriage.
Now, I know what addiction does.
Hand-in-hand with drinking comes the lying, 100%.
You may want to believe them, but you cannot.
If you believe an alcoholic, soon you will find yourself writing comments like I am.
If anyone does not want to live with a liar, NEVER marry anyone in addiction.
After drinking, the second part of it is lying.
They will never change, never. They only become more adept at creating new excuse and new lies.
Unless someone loves trying to repair people, run away.
What you see is how it is.
That little voice you hear? Listen to it.
Learn from me.
I would put my arms around you if I could. All I can do is share this story with you.You look for a partner in life and they present themselves to you and you have no choice but to accept what they present. Because that is out of your control. It is not your responsibility ‘the way another elects’ to engage with you. Its a Morality Issue pure and simple. No matter what fancy words we all like to put out there with psychology, we aren’t only our bodies. We are not only our minds and we are not only our emotions or our financial state in life. Human beings have Spirits. All living beings have spirits but of them all, we have a very alert and awake spirit.
When you are 6 years old, boy or girl, you decide ‘who you will be.’ And, the same for every age in your life. You will find whispers all over the place whether from a grandparent, a parent, tv show, friends or religion. No matter how badly we want to Secularize our existance, the Truth is we have a spiritual life. You chose that. Your husband and boyfriend chose it. They chose it when they lie or do not lie to you.
A friend of mine is a devout AA attendee and recovering alcoholic. He will tell you with strong emotion ‘it is a Spiritual disease.’ It is not just a disease of addiction but a disease of Moral Character. I am not on a soap box though it seems so. I share this for a reason. The first time I had someone ramrod a sword into my insides, rip them up and play with me like I am a sub human entity was when I married my lieing drug addict husband. The Damage they do is real. And, it is a spiritual choice regardless of every excuse we try to lay up for them and ‘in that’ is Your Freedom as well. Freedom from what they do to you. You will have to reach outside this overly Secularized American and reach to a more spiritual answer for yourself to deal with the ‘life disruption’ these Amoral folks do by their choices to be cowards.
Isn’t it true that the reason you take the first drink something akin to being a coward? Who isn’t afraid every day you live in our country. You really do not know of tomorrow in so many ways. But a brave individual does not yield to an escape like this and then ‘make a conscious election’ to bring another into a situation that will really hurt that other. Even the word selfish isn’t enough. Your strength will lie in knowing that Justice will happen at the end of this life. And, in the meantime, you be a hero. Be the hero that so many people find it ‘too hard to be.’ Be strong, get up from the bloody wounds you have that have ‘given pain’ that is not even able to be put into words at the betrayal, the violations against you. Let those who want to demonstrate ‘how not to live a life’ pay that piper.
Make sure your ‘story’ at the end of your life, though it may be bloody, messy and with pain and anguishes you may never have believed were possible to go through. and when you rise up ‘be Beautiful.’ Lowly lived lives will receive the recompense that they deserve. Be Beautiful and get up, stand up, shake it off and seek whatever you need to make yourself able to walk forward again and put the past behind you. Its ok to have scars, especially when they are ones of Betrayal, ones not your fault!
Run dont walk…as fast as you can. I just ended a year long relationship with an alcoholic .All he did was lie, drink. promise to stop only to drink again..a million times,my life consisted of get up go to work, on barely any sleep because he had kept me up drinking, blaring music,,may I add he kept the kids up too.He was so full of anger, selfishness, hate,drama and chaos both drunk and sober..when I first met him he said he wanted everything I did, a family, a home, to settle down..boy did he manipulate me ,,with each passing month his behavior became worse and worse, the drinking and anger getting worse and worse..he went in the ambulance for drinking and 5 days later drank again..he had CRAZY reasons as to why he drank, bored, stress, a cat ran up a tree..if you get my point, and even crazier ideas about help…I know I need rehab..if things dont get better I will go(never happened)..I know I should go to a,a and I dont mind going but they dont help keep me sober, I can just do it myself Ive seen other people do it…I could go on and on ..he smashed my computers..has called the cops and said I did it..pushed me..blocked me in rooms so I couldnt leave..tried to kick me and my son out every other day…THIS was my life on a daily basis…then I finally had ENOUGH…he got drunk and tried to kick us out..to make a long story short he hurt my son and he hurt me…we JUST got home from having a 2 year restraint put on him..he has done everything in his power to hurt us for standing up to him FINALLY…I took all the items out of the home I purchased and he KNOWS I purchased,,so today in court he goes to a cop and tells them he purchased the shutters and other items and he has the receipt to prove it..I stupidly gave him the money to get them and he went and picked then usp and put them in his name…just to get back at me and I know it..little does he know EVERYTHING I took has been put in storage and just to get him to leave me alone I would of gave it to him all…the lady with me who works for domestic issues (next step) said dont you dare give him anything..the strange part is..the shutters have been down for over a week..and he hasnt called the cops or anything until today…could it be I had my hair fixed, and makeup on, could it be he could see I wasnt going to back down, could it be he seen my life was not falling apart without him and he seen that today..I beleive so…this poor excuse for a man..was actually laughing and joking with others today in court while my son had to keep going outside because it was making him sick being in the same room with him…did he care NO…he even tried to get a restraint against my son so he couldnt see his son when the child is with his mother…the whole court room was seeing the true nature of this beast today…did he win?not today! I watched the judge turn the whole thing around on him and without so much as stateing my case I walked out with a 2 year restraint and on the restraint it says that the children can see each other…he has criminal charges coming up soon and his big concern is SHUTTERS and anything else of mine he can get…just to try to hurt me .I did get VERY upset today in the court room..the judge even tried to get him to leave it alone and move on…then when I walked out I thought to myself…this stuff is in storage he wont get it all..the courts just are not going to give him all my things…and in the end they are material things..he can have at it if he wants as long as he gets far, far, away from me and my son..Ive read so much on here before I left him, I thought I could help him, get him the help he needs..I FINALLY realized today the extent of the monster I am dealing with…not to babble on and on…but I will say one thing before I EVER get involved in another relationship..I am going to do some serious looking into the person before I get involved..I myself have been in a series of relationships with users etc…unhealthy relationships to say the least…for now until the next round with him..I am considering still attending alanon meetings…I will be a long time dealing with all that has happened to me and my son…but so glad to finally get to live and breath a little better each day…the further I get away from him and his addictions and the chaotic world that surrounds them and anyone who crosses his path the better my life is becoming..
I wish to correct when I aid Secularized American I means our Secularized American Society. Its elegant to have things secular this way we can interact in a ‘commerce’ manner with professionalism and propriety. Something you may not be aware of is that if you study languages, our English language is one ‘specially’ designed for trade. Its not considered a romance language because it is a language designed to be efficient for ‘barter’ or ‘trade.’ And, it has its place.
You can not walk through life and think you will not make moral decisions. You can’t think that there is no consequence to what another does when they are ignorant to what you present. This means that we have an obligation to one another to have enough transparency that ‘the other’ can make an unbiased choice. When you lie or hide things you put the other at a disadvantage. You see much on tv about being ‘tough’ and ‘clever.’ IT is a form of play and it is enjoyable perhaps at times, from what is presented. Marriage is a ‘covenant’ which vocabulary word derives specifically as a ‘matter between living beings a promise.’ Its not property. People are creatures who feel, are sensitive even if we play at being super strong and nothing ‘hurts us’ to the outside.
We do have a responsibility to one another ‘for transparency’ in our engagements. When you don’t do that it is nothing other then a character flaw and you shouldn’t want to be with someone who has this horrible flaw once you know its there. If you are looking for love. I think you should move forward and keep looking since you want it. You will have to become stronger person then you thought you would have to be.
I think there are a lot of folks on drugs and on alcohol these days.
Deb, you are so right.
it does come down to moral character. That hurts the addict to hear, but they have lived behind a veil of lies and that life is believed by those around them. If one is raised thinking it is not their fault, then they will start to believe that.
I stopped because I knew I had to. There is not stopping the thoughts that lead to the actions without a change of thoughts.
A change of heart. Only God can do that. Changing a life without God is impossible.
Where you find your mate tells a lot.
We all saw the traits that we now regret. We ignored those traits. We wanted to believe the best and not see ourselves as judging their actions.
My advice to future relationships is this: Do you like what you see at the moment? If not, run away.
Meet the family. If that scares you? Run away. They will be what they are raised around.
Come on, we all knew there was drinking already. We only got fooled into thinking it would stop.
It does not change.
Deb, what happens when one is already committed?
I just got married a year ago. The drinking is not that bad, where it is daily, but I have no trust in the marriage.
I avoid going home after work until my wife leaves for work.
I work at a fire station and I am gone for 24-hours. I show up in the morning.
When I am gone, I find it’s her drinking time.
I hate kissing her for fear of smelling alcohol. I hate being lied to, as she always does,
I dislike being next to her, because I know I will detect her drinking behavior.
I miss her while she is away, then when she returns, I dread her seeing her and how she acts.
She is a horrible liar.
I want to chain her so that I can keep her from thinking about alcohol. The only one chained is me.
How ever much I hated being alone, being married to an addict is worse than any loneliness.
I basically, live alone in my marriage
There is no mouthwash that smells like Vodka.
Really? That excuse is supposed to convince me?
Watching for signs of drinking has taken over enjoying our time and love.
I did not listen to people like those here. I was different. I was special as I was smarter and could figure the whole thing out.
I could defeat the addiction though my willpower, knowledge and faith.
As the drinker needs to take accountability for themselves in bad situations, I must accept the bad choices I’ve made.
I knew she drank. I kept my eyes away because of believing it might be different.
I just didn’t know the truth of alcoholism.
How do you live with marrying and loving someone who deceived you so much?
The hardest part is how much I have fallen in love with her daughter.
A daughter I wished could have been my flesh and blood.
A daughter who also is devastated by what she sees her mom do.
A young girl, who even said that she wish I could have been her natural dad.
I have to admit the truth. I wish I had not married my wife.
How awful is that to say? It makes me cry.
God, please forgive me for messing up so bad.
Wow! Great posts – I am going to read them again because everyone has so much wisdom to offer.
I can tell you from experience – you have to run from an alcoholic and not look back. They will get worse, not better. The lying continues even if they stop drinking because they develop the alcoholic personality and that virtually never leaves them. It is a battle that even the strong barely survive.
Why waste any time in misery – trying to repair someone who chooses to drink and live in a world of their own. I love meeting new people who have a desire to laugh, play, learn and share ideas. The alcoholic can’t do any of that.
I am so sorry for what you have gone and continue to have to go through, and I’m especially sorry for your kids. I’m sure you will make the right decision for them and yourself.
From what I’ve read and heard from others, you have to look to yourself to understand why the men you are attracted to are alcoholics or addicts. Alanon can help with that, there are also books out there about codependents, but so can a therapist who specializes in alcohol and drug addicted personalities. Maybe once you understand what is behind the attraction, you’ll be able to change things and find the kind of man you and your kids deserve.
I wish you the best of luck!
Rebecca: Pat yourself on the back–you deserve it. You went through one relationship that showed you the signs of addiction and became “choosy” for your next one–good for you. Stop looking at it in the negative “all the men you date are deceptive”–you are lucky & discerning to see it early and thus save yourself from what you see others have written about being in the relationship and stuck there for 20+ years–myself, it took 16 years to get out. You see the signs, continue with your plan to move. Only enter a relationship where you are sure there is no addiction–you are doing that–you saw the signs–you will be okay but take the warning from everyone here–don’t wait for years–a mistake many of us made. Protect your 2 children and be very gentle and compassionate on yourself right now. You did not cause this and instead you were given the signs–You feel rejected but sometimes Rejection is God’s Protection!
My heart goes out to you. First, I’m sure that society gives women more sympathy when they are trapped in a relationship such as yours and need to leave than they would to a husband trapped in the situation. You may be the breadwinner/provider and this makes it very hard for you to walk away from a wife and child you love dearly. You have shown yourself to be strong and willing to post here were there are more women posting with their problems but you are reaching out for support and many men would not do that. I hope you can get some support locally–someone to talk to who will listen. I can feel you need that. You want God to forgive you for messing up so badly–you did not, you are being very strong and heroic and you have the right to feel bad that you did marry–absolutely not your fault. Please keep posting. I feel things differently than you because I am a woman but I know everyone here has the greatest sympathy for what you are going through. Perhaps there is a way you can physically remove yourself away from your wife but have partial or full custody of this daughter you love. My best to you-Debbi
Mike, sounds like things are emotionally difficult right now for you. Was your wife drinking excessively prior to marrying her? If you stick around our site for a while, you are going to encounter many people suggesting Al-anon. If you haven’t been, consider trying 6 meetings. You may find the answers you need, if nothing else, you will discover ways to love your alcoholic wife without conditions.
You are called to be a hero, in whatever way that is ‘for you’ in your life. I truly loved my ex husband and I still do. Not easy after I left him, its the truth. Not easy to stay. My fixit guy had a roommate he tried to set me up with. This man was a single father and after a bit of time Mr Fixit found out by conversations ‘with his super darling 9 year old little girl’ that he was doing something very bad. They ran off, disappeared when Mr Fixit confronted him. You could be a hero to the little girl in your life if you stay. I am sure it isn’t easy for her at all. You will have to learn to master ‘the alcoholic’ in your life. I imagine that will be much harder if you are not home that often.
You have to observe them. I think we are advised to ‘have a notebook’ and take notes on the things they say that really hurt us but you can also watch ‘her.’ You can learn how to manipulate her. If you love her, that is different then a roommate. But, in compassion, you can see if you can move her actions. It takes time and you have to do a lot of observing. Maybe she can be helped. My one friend who attends many AA meetings, falls down sometimes but for the most part he has a real life now and that was only possible through AA and his constant work to stay sober. It has been 15 years since he was a drunk like he used to be, its hard for him but he knows what his life was when he was drinking and knows he can’t have the good life he has now if he ‘thinks’ he can take just one drink.
I have seen marriages last twenty or more years, with folks in the marriage bearing incredibly difficult things from one another. Only to be as happy as anything once these difficulties pass (some last 15 years or more). I am active person in the sense that I like taking things into my own hands, so I would opt for seeing if I can get my spouse to ‘move’ on certain issues. Great deal of patience it will take. Always so sad when a child is involved.
I’ve finally reached a point of being sick and tired. After eight years I can’t deal with anymore hurt or betrayal. This site and all of your stories have made me realize that I don’t want to or deserve to live this way anymore.
Thank you ladies.
My faith is now the biggest part of my life. I have always been a practical, logical and realistic man. In the two years that followed my divorce, my mom’s death and my niece’s death, I began to examine myself. Always looked at the easy solution of “giving it to God” (never knew how one “gave” it to Him).
But it has been a lifeline for me. I am a no excuses guy. I still hold to the belief that alcoholism is not a sickness or disease, but an addiction. Calling it a disease take the accountability away form the addict to hide behind their “disease.”
That is too convenient for them. For an organization that prides itself on truth an not enabling, I believe AA has this one wrong.
I can see her struggling to rid herself of the old ways of thinking that enabled her to justify drinking.
I pray for her every day. “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”
The more she opens up, the more she sees how she was formed into thinking her use of alcohol was useful.
It was her medication.
I asked her to name all her friends and see what they all had in common.
They were all destructive, immature, partiers.
None of them were reflective of the woman she wanted to be for so long.
The trap of anything bad, it to know there if a life beyond the bad.
Comfortable bad, if often safer than the risk of good.
I am trying to be patient and wait for that day we can say “We are so glad I waited!!!”
Do you understand where I am?
The test of real character is the bad times. Some longer than others.
I will never judge a person who could not take it and left.
I pray to God, because I know God knows or hearts and what we have endured.
None of us ever walked on water. We fail and make mistakes.
I hope to share a story of triumph with you soon.
I need prayers as the road is long and tough and not always successful.
Thank you all for sharing so much of the hurt that is seldom admitted.
Julia, have you tried Al-Anon? I empathize with you…If you haven’t, I hope you will give it a good try.
I wish I found it sooner! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.It’s a hard road..
To Deb & Mike:
I see a strong belief & faith in both of you. Both willing to admit like me you loved your partner and to an extent still do. That’s where our pain comes from and with me the guilt of divorcing. I honestly have lost all my faith–not that I don’t believe in a God anymore but that I feel so let down by my higher power. I did not feel let down when I went silent with my husband at the end because I could not stand there one more time and apologize for getting mad when he never took responsibility for his horrible actions that caused me to get mad. So the final straw was I sat & thought I have apologized so many times and this time when he blatantly included his family in his hurtful lies of me I guess I put my foot down. I think my higher power got mad at me because I don’t ever expect prayers to be answered but I always thought He would at least give me the answers I seek so I would be guided to do the right thing. So I am at a loss with no where to turn but before the last event in my marriage that brought it all crashing down I felt that we were all taught that God does not like divorce but He set guidelines for how people should always treat each other and if we don’t do that occasionally we need to do the right thing which is immediately apologize and make amends by correcting the problem we caused and doing whatever is necessary to help the person we harmed to heal. When this doesn’t happen in a relationship and one party is always running over the other one I always felt God would not want to see one of his children hurt another nor would he expect the one being hurt to continue to stay there. You both did what I’m sure was difficult to do–like me–but I’m sure your higher power is pleased that you tried and not that you failed, you succeeded in setting an example for others to follow and maybe even setting an example to your partner that will have them correct their behavior in time. I just hope one day we all receive a true heartfelt apology and some amends from those that hurt us. Have A Great 4th of July–and remember this was the day of independence from persecutors and we all need to celebrate that!
Thank you Debbi.
I refer to my ‘higher power’ as The Lord Jesus Christ. God will not make anyone do anything against their will. God doesn’t help those who hep themselves. God helps those that come to an end to themselves. I have found the same traits and excuses with drinkers. It never is a normal mentality. They are victims and will never see themselves as anything but that. Never free, never being allowed to be free. It is their mind set that says “it is not my fault. Life did this to me.” Yes life ddi that to them, but it did it to everyone else. Get over yourself. I will tell you a fact about drinkers, as I to was one. They don’t want to stop. All they do is regret the consequences, but once those consequences seem to be gone, they drink again. The devil has control of their lives.
There are only two sides to this life we live in. It is our own choice.
The road is very hard.
Thank you for your support.
Here is my story.
Married for 15 years. Divorced. We were both too selfish to make it work. God wasn’t on the ‘back burner” of our life, but He surely wasn’t at the center. No drinking issues.
Decided to become the man God wanted me to be and get my life in spiritual, mental and physical order.
Found a new woman. Knew her from years ago as a friend of a relative. Back then we never dated. No interest really.
This time, things grew slowly. As things became serious, I discovered her drinking problem. It was bad, but so was mine.
Of course, I didn’t want to judge her, so I looked the other way.
As I was able to stop on a dime, after a doctor told me it was my career as a firefighter or my drinking.
I stopped that minute in his office. never had a drink since, in 17 years. It was that easy for me.
I figure, all drinkers could stop as I did. They just wanted to stop. I tried before when it did not matter, but this time it mattered.
We never lived together. No need to, if one is truthful to the other, right?
I told her that she needed to stop for a year to show it was over. Six months minimum.
I thought it had. Suspicions it was around but that was just my suspicious nature creeping in, I thought.
Married and after only ten days, the bombshell hit.
She wet out side and came in totally silly and confused.
She was drunk out of her mind.
I forced her to the ER, and if she refused, I would call the PD and demand a 5150 hold. That is a 72-hour hold for someone who might be a danger to themselves or the public. She sobered up in the ER and felt bad. I could not believe what had happened. For three days I cried my eyes out. Ten days into my new life and it had already turned to shit.
Soon, she admitted herself into a 30-day residential facility.
All was well until the behavior changed again. Not wanting to be the detective, I let things go, fearing it was just me being suspicious. I needed to trust.
Since then, it has been around. My intuition was right the whole time.
Alcoholism’s twin brother is ‘lying.’
Drinker’s never will stop. They will use every excuse that was created.
This is the great tragedy of this addiction. It fools the drinker the most.
I go with that “little voice.” That “little voice” has never been wrong.
A step-daughter whom I love dearly is in the middle of this.
Because alcoholism is a possession of the spirit, they will throw it all away for that addiction.
It isn’t staying away, although, that helps.
It is a change of heart, a change of life. You can’t change and have the same friends and places.
You can’t, sorry.
That has been the hardest part for her. Thinking “good” friend from the past will be in-line with sobriety.
Rebuilding is hard and many just don’t want to do it.
Mike: Ten days into your second marriage, still in the honeymoon period, how devastating for you. Can I ask you some questions?
-What do you think caused your first marriage to fail?
–Do you have children from the first marriage?
–You said drinkers cannot quit yet by your own admission you were able to–can you explain what you meant and how you quit. . .what was the difference for you? Did you quit because your job was on the line? Would you have quit if your marriage was on the line?
–How old is your stepdaughter? Does she have a father in the picture or does she look to you for that role?
–Is there anyway if her father is not in the picture that you can adopt?
I wish to tell you a story about a little girl I know, now grown 65 years old, but when she was 4 her father became an alcoholic, left her mother and ran around with other women. The little girl’s mother divorced him and he had 50% guardianship but never bothered to visit her or contribute to her care. Her mother met a wonderful man, recently divorced from an alcoholic who wanted to try again but wanted a woman who did not drink. He fell in love with this woman and adored her daughter and completely felt like her father in no time at all. But the little girl got sick and in those days step parents could not have step children on health insurance. Her hospital stay was expensive, at the Mayo Clinic in Baltimore Maryland. This wonderful man picked up the cost of this himself & never complained but wanted to make sure from that point on this would not happen again. So behind his wife’s back he went to an attorney to legally adopt this little girl so he could make sure she had all the benefits he could provide. With papers in hand, he knew where to find her father–at the bar! He went & told this man he could either pay all the back child support to the little girl’s mother that he owed, or he could pay this hospital bill or he could sign this paper, give away his rights and never be held financially responsible again. . .This man of course signed the paper. The now new father made another visit to this man the next day when he sober & asked if he remembered signing it and did he still agree to it. The man said yes. The little girl was now fully adopted by this man and still legally under the care of her mother but she even had a new last name! Two years later another baby when the first girl was now nine years old. The wonderful husband died when he was 83 due to exposure to agent orange in WWII. But both little girls now grown sat by his bedside before his death and the one who he adopted wrote & read to him a letter that is framed and hanging on my mother’s wall. She told this man in this letter that if he had not come into her and her mother’s life she could only imagine how awful her life might have been. The other little girl always knew the story how her half-sister came into the family. I am the other little girl and I never doubted that my father loved me more than my half-sister who I knew was biologically not his child. He treated us the same and he showed a love to both of us. My sister will be forever grateful to this man who adopted her and gave her a better chance.
Think about it!
I will answer them.
My first marriage I did not put my wife first. I did not love her with everything. I loved her dearly, but my ways and desires were of the utmost importance. I did not love my wife as Christ loved the church; with all my heart and soul. I held back. I didn’t give all. I did not trust. As far as her end, there was some of that too. We just did not know how to love each other. I don’t think there was cheating in the marriage. She asked me to leave four times. The last time she walked out and would not come back unless I moved. Not just move your clothes, but everything. Get an apartment. Of course I thought it was temporary. Now I know, that moving out like that is the end. Separation is a practice divorce. We had no children.
I quit because my JOB was on the line and not may marriage. Is that sad or what? That is how awful I was. I am ashamed of that.
I just made the choice to never rink again. That simple. Nothing since. Not struggling with it. It is like pork to a Muslim. Of course, I must always be vigilant for weakness and being off guard.
My step-daughter is 16 and does have a father but he is a loser. I hare to say that, but he made his bad and his choices. The truth is that. I love this girl and my wife says she loves me and adores me. She could not wait to come back from her biological dad’s to celebrate our first Father’s Day together. She bought me the best gift and the best card. It made me cry.
I met her when she was 11, so adoption is not going to happen. She is very close to her mom. She won’t leave her for me. Beside, the family would flip and put so much guilt on her. She feels so heavy with guilt as it is right now.
Debbie, that made me cry. I would love this girl to be mine, but what can I do? She is two years from adulthood.
All I can be is the best example for her, so that when she meets a man, and he is an jerk to her, she can reflect on me and say, “No. There are men who treat their family with respect and love. I am moving on.”
I have accepted that and if I can raise her right, even if we never bond like I would like, I will be happy.
I bought a book on step-areting that read: “They came into your life at the right time, and you came into their life at the right time.”
There are no accidents with God. Even knowing that, life hurts a lot sometimes.
What has helped so much is my relation to Christ. I pray, talk and spend time with HIm everyday, all day.
Even at the fire station. I have a few friends who share their stories with me and mine with them.
We pray together. A 49 year-old, 25 year veteran praying at the fire station?
It has helped MY life be stronger in all of this.
Mike: I am glad to hear you have your faith and you are doing good. You sound grounded and things will go well for you. I saw a christian movie you might want to rent since you are with the fire department “Fire Proof”. I performed this 40 day love dare mentioned in the movie on my husband during the last 2 years of our marriage so at least I know I tried. I enjoyed the movie you might also. Is is true that the fire fighters have a motto “never leave your partner”?
At the bottom of all this hurt and pain I was thinking today–It’s the disappointment in that we thought we were loved and that love, we hoped, would bring about change in the Alcoholic. Crushed dreams, the choosing of the alcohol over us and everyone else. It saddens us, baffles us, confuses us–but this just shows the insanity and strength of addiction. What they do makes NO sense in the natural world. My XA left me: a business owner, college grad, attractive, smart, morals, for a woman: with no home, a vagabond, 18 year criminal record, her looks are hard, low morals, needy & desperate. He can control her and she will do anything to have a home and a man. We must remember they did not just disappoint us, but there parents, children, employers, etc… It’s not personal. It is what they do to survive and keep using. I don’t agree to say “they will never change” because some do. And despite all my pain, I still pray for my X’s bottom to come. This is no way to live–without conscience. I would hate to meet my maker if I were them. A tragic state of being I wish I had never experienced.
Rebecca, I recommend the book, “How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved” by Sandra L. Brown MA.
It will help you understand why and how you may be attracted to or nieve to these types of men and help you to be more aware when you date again. Some reasons are very innocent, like how we were raised to believe in people. Also give you warnings signs to look for. God bless every one here and I pray for all of our healing in our tears and anger.
I agree Pez.I think the thing I am struggling with the most is I thought I could win over the alcohol.I thought we could make this work. I thought his love for me would make him want to change….I dont miss the way I was living, that was crazy, the peace and quiet are nice.The huge bags that have been under my eyes are all but gone, and I am eating again, and keeping busy. BUT I have this weight, this hole, sadness that seems to go with me everywhere.I guess I am just sad it didnt work, the dream was crushed as you said and it DOES hurt and feeling this way is terrible..I wish it would just go away it hurts so bad it is almost unbareable..we live in a small town so I have seen him a couple of times and it is HARD, a part of me just wants to crawl into a hole so I dont have to see him..I find when I do it just makes it worse..
It is hard Amy! We Loved them! But If we stand firm we will get through this and have a better life. Thanks to all here who have contributed to my continued forward progression. It gets better every day, Just trust that. Time and God heals. Amy, if your are serious to stay away, please get rid of or throw away all memories and note card of your relationship. I got rid of Cards that promised love & marriage, sobriety, etc…All photo’s were sent to his mother. All dried flowers were thrown out. I do not go by his house–that part of my city does not exist anymore. I look for his vehicle If I am shopping and I will not go in to see him and his low-life girl friend together. Avoid all that would trigger memories as much as possible. And just remember-IT’S NOT PERSONAL. They would do this to ANYONE that comes between them and there vice.
Pez & Amy:
I am going through the exact same thing. I do everything like Pez to stay away from places I might see my ex and got rid of all reminders that hurt but like Amy said it hurts so bad sometimes you just want to crawl into a hole. My ex seems like he’s with someone better than me not worse like in Pez’s case–that makes me feel even more horrible. He left me to fend my health issues with no insurance for someone who looks younger & probably has health insurance. Saw them together in MY old truck and it sent me into a frenzy. Now I drive and even look away passing other cars since I don’t want that hurt anymore. How is it so easy for them to move on and feel no regret. So again I question was it alcohol or did he just find someone younger & better. It’s the pain of thinking they don’t love you anymore and maybe never did. Pez: I got the PTSD work book you suggested and am on day 4 but not seeing any results yet. Hope it works.
Debbie, It absolutely is the alcohol! How do you know she’s better? Do you know her character or history? she may be younger but that does not mean better! If she is younger she is nieve and the relationship will run it’s course. It’s always good in the beginning!!! Is she an alcoholic or drug addicted too? If she laid down the law like you did, he would move on from her too! If she has a vice too they will probably have a horrible dysfunctional relationship as it progresses. He’s not happy, those who are drunks and addicts are not happy people although, they may act that way on the outside, inside they hate who they are and what they have become. some articles I have read said they (the alcoholic) KNOW their actions are reprehensible but their strong denial system pushes those feellings down and they cover it up with outward superiority! When addict recover one thing that has to be addressed is their self-hatred! Don’t let your mind play tricks on you! He is not happy–You, now, can work towards happiness.
Did they ever love you? This is a question I still wrestle with. Here is the multi-dimentional answer I have come up with. Don’t think of Love as only one way to love. There is different types of love. Did my XA Love me-Yes, I do believe so. But it was a shallow love based on me accepting his alcoholism. Did he want me–yes–I was plan A. But since I would not accept the alcoholism he went to plan B. Remember Alcohol is there 1st love!!! Then you have to think of your definition of love: Mine is a love not just of words but actions! He could not produce the actions, and I need that, therefore I can not be with him. His definition of love was: I feel love and want you but my Idea of love is you put up with the alcohol and all the cruelty I throw at you to me that is love.
Some things people have said to me: “they only love you if you stay” (their idea of love) shallow, no need for them to change.
“He loved you but loved alcohol more”
I do believe they feel guilt and remorse at times, but they push it down asap (denial) so they can continues using.
Pez: Always the right words at the right time-Thank you.
I am just still wrestling with not seeing an alcoholic but an abuser in my marriage. I saw the drinking every evening and nasty words but not drunk, slur words etc. No one else saw this & he played the victim so well to others that some women that did not even know me but would find out I was married to him would start lecturing me on how I treated him. He bad mouthed me so bad to everyone and had a plausible, believable reason for anything he got caught doing. I even submitted pictures of his destruction to my attorney and she did not even believe me so I question my own eyes & ears these days and want that final proof.
Your words about what he may be doing with new one are true I just have to keep reminding myself. Rejection has been so much a part of my life with first husband doing the same thing & my son walking out of my life and now an abusive 2nd husband that cheated on me as well. It’s a tough mind place to get out of. But thank you for reminding me that his abuse and probably the alcohol was behind it.
Thats what I am doing Pez..staying away, as best I can.We live 10 minutes from the U.S, i’m in Canada,and he can’t come over here so that helps alot.I work in the U.S. so there will be times I cannot avoid him..oh but I TRY..small towns gotta love them..I got rid of anything he ever gave me as I was packing to leave.I think you hit the LOVE right on, he wanted me to accept and live with the drinking..NO WAY..I might feel alone right now and with any change comes adjustment..but I thought about it today..I was alone when I was with him he was either down the road..HIDING so he could drink and think he was getting away with it,passed out, or trying to start a fight,,I would LITERALLY come home daily walk through the door and HE would try to fight with me before I even got my shoes off(I am beginning to wonder if it wasnt to get the focus off of him and the fact that he was drunk),and when he wasnt drunk we never spoke ..I was always so mad inside over things he had said or done the previous day drunk..I couldnt even stand to look at him..so I might be going through alot right now..but if I can survive that..then I can survive this..(somehow)…just sorta sucks to put so much into a relationship and a house and have to walk away from both..but I KNOW I did the right thing..and to be honest as evil as it sounds and I KNOW it sound awful…I get to walk away and get ME back and my life back..he wont change and will still sit down there drunk and passed out all the time..so in the end the way I see it is I WIN..no one can live like that and be happy I dont care what they say..what a terrible way to live
Thanks for your wisdom. I completely agree with you. The alcohol is their 1st love – spot on. And yes, I have seen an alcoholic with his strong denial system , then covers it up with outward superiority as a likeable person, totally dysfunctional underneath.
Love is only on their lips, but not on their action to change for fulfilled healthy life for himself and his family. I believe that is the result of their denial.
We, on the other hand, as the group who want to live in healthy life, should look after ourselves, take off the attention on the alcoholics.
Thanx JM, Debbie, and Amy: I found a lot of my problem was I expected him to be like me!! ie. We expect others to be like us….our morals, our faith, who we are, to be good, treat others like we do, react like we do (with appreciation), respond to love, etc…. think of all these you can think of! To be SAFE dating and to see the past correctly–I had to realize and be aware that everyone does not hold my values! I had trouble with my XA because I expected him to react like me! A sober person. He is not Sober, his mind is skewed, his morals are going in the can, Obviously his relationship with God is probably nearly non-existent. Everyone is in there own “bubble” or universe. We must find out what “bubble” they are in to be SAFE to date or even make a friend. I have been reminded Trust is not given, It is earned! Protect yourself, protect your heart. No one else will do it for you.
I am reminded of a movie that was recommended to me: The Day of Wine and Roses. It is about 2 alcoholic lovers. The one quits, the other can not. The guy that plays the AA dude said something like, “The world of alcoholism and the straight world can not exist together–they are two separate places!” In the minds and in the hearts. They live in another world. One not of reality.
Amy: Sure hope you are able to enjoy your life more and more – it takes time when you leave someone, but I can say from experience, they don’t change. I am hoping you have a great friend who will get you out of the house to ride a bike, take a long walk or go to a cafe and meet new people. You will start to feel the healing once you let yourself have fun and laugh with others.
Take good care.
I so identify with how it hurts that they chose alcohol over marriage.We’veknown each other 26 yrs, in dec, we would have been married 24.We will probably be divorced by then.Its amazes me sometimes and most times lately I have accepted it and ready to get on with life and keep focus off of him as much as possible.It amazes me how far he has fallen.I am amazed at all the times I thught he was dedicated to me, but during relapses, I’m almost certain(now) that cheating was a apart of it.Secrets he would never tell and I couldn’t face it then.I lacked a lot of things.This time, situations presented themselves and there could be no denying anymore.The pain had to be faced, because it was definitely there.I had no way to push that down or hide from it.Although I’ll tell you, the shock of all the bad things that happened that year took me almost the whole year and a half we’d been apart to get into my right mind, I was so blown away from one thing after another.Time away from his sickness helped though.Yeah, its unreal sometimes when I think he’s holed up over at his place with that low class bar whore..But like I said earlier, I don’t think this was his first.Love,,,well that’s a hard one..He said he loved me the whole time he was apart.I wouldn’t let him come home so easy(as he’d wanted)so in order to have his way he CONTINUED what he was doing anyway and that was sdrink, cheat, etc..No respect for what I held as important(marriage)..
Now he sleeps around and drinks..its unreal somedays,but I focuc as much as I can on my and my sons lives…
I feel the distance many here feel.
To be next to the one you love and really wanting to be someplace else.
Just that she would go to bed so I can relax on the sofa with the TV on.
Relax from having to figure out, which person am I talking to.
You get good at recognizing the multiple personalities that the drinker has.
The slightly buzzed, personality.
The angry after much drinking, but it’s been a while so they’ve mellowed out.
The just fresh from drinking and they don’t care who knows.
The one that is just high enough and causes everyone at the dinner table to glance at each other uncomfortably.
The one who decided to go to bed early as they are “tired.”
The one is suspicious of YOU first and tries to get the first jab in, so that you will be on the defensive.
The one who understands all that is happening and will swear to do it right this time.
The one who really believe this is it.
The one who cries in shame and gives up.
The one who say to “Go ahead and leave then” because they feel unworthy and feel they are so screwed up.
The worst one? The one you truly love and can see behind those drunk eyes.
The one that would come out if only alcohol never existed.
Living alone in a prison, because ou can’t leave as they are your spouse. You need to be there for them as you promised.
That is life with an alcoholic.
Ross: You had your horrible year and finding the infidelity is pain like no other on top of tolerating their behavior. I went through the same thing. Mine is just not at the low level yours is at & you see it more clearly than I can right now. I am coming up on one year from divorce so I hope I can get to the place you are at. I will be thinking of you.
Mike: Your description of the different personalities was so descriptive. Thank you–helped me see a little more clearly of similar things you noticed that I did not–very accurate. Thank you.
Debbi, I am sharing the truth with you. Not trying to make it worse than it is. It is also therapeutical for me, as I was in ignorance about so many things. Then the denial set in, but only after I was committed to this relationship.
In that description, I didn’t find ME in it. Meaning, the drinker cannot think about the other.
You would think in marriage they would, but they won’t, not can’t.
It is all about the alcoholic. The sooner you now that, the easier it is to grasp what is happening.
That is one good thing I learned in group counseling at an AA facility.
No threat of losing family and a fulfilling job will change that. Nothing.
If we are waiting for that one-in-a-million chance, than we will be waiting through that million.
I so understand what you’re saying. The funny thing with me is that my exA hid it sooo….well from others that no one would ever believe me. He hid it from his family, frinds, co-workers and only drank at home in evenings and even I never saw him drunk where an average person would recognize it. Mine exA was so cunning he stole my mail for 13 years and I never knew it. He carried out a lie for 20 years (saying he could not read/write) and I never knew it. So when the divorce started he suddenly became this person of cunning who could now not only read/write. . . I swear he’s got several degrees. I’ve just never seen anyone post here who had an experience like mine. But I saw the change every evening, mood swings, nasty comments. In the AM before the alcohol he was just grouchy but watch out in the evenings. It still has me baffled. I just got an email from a friend of mine (one of the few who did not just tell me to get over it). He sent me the link to Martina McBride’s song “I’m Gonna Love You Through It” and reminded me never to forget whether it was the alcohol or not this man chose to bail on you after your diagnosis, start the divorce which he know would leave you without health insurance but this song reminds you that not all men are like that but most alcoholics are. The song brings me to tears every time.
I am so glad that I found this site..I try to talk to others and they just dont understand, they cant relate having never lived with an alcoholic.I sometimes just sit here and say to myself did all this really happen I know it did but living with him was so insane..I have to question it all…I have never in my life seen anything like it…Mike…you hit the nail on the head with your description..I feel so blessed to have you all to turn to..its holding me together right now..I am trying so hard to keep busy I find when I do it helps..but I will admit I need to slow down a bit too..Im keeping myself soooo busy I am wearing myself out..I just dont know what to do with all these feeling, and I find myself constantly thinking about everything that has happened..trying to make sense of something I will never be able to make any sense of…
Honest to God even with all my research in trying to figure things out I think the alcoholics insanity affects our sanity. I have to pray to God to keep me of sound mind and to keep the separations and divisions of the truth in my mind. the alcoholics actions towards someone who loves them is so insane, so full of lies, it’s hard to grasp. just remember this. they are the ones who are insane on alcohol we are the normal human beings loving and caring.
The bible says, “Those of us that are strong, ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not please ourselves.”
Married to an alcoholic, is that verse tested to its fullest.
Running a marathon is tiring but one can regain their strength and stamina soon after.
Married to an alcoholic is a never-ending marathon of both the body and the mind, with no end in site.
26 miles? If only it were that easy.
Married to an alcoholic is 10,000 marathons.
The tricks keep switching. The funny part is, I am already up on the newest tricks that my wife uses.
The hot-flashes are starting, so if course, that requires her to sometime get up at night and sleep on the sofa due to her being so hot.
Then I leave for work at 5:30am. I’ll often forget something, not as a tool to catch her, but I really do forget something left behind. So, I go back to get the thing I forgot and she is gone from the sofa to the bed. Her avoidance of me is just an escape for her to hide her alcohol breath. She was sleeping alone “Due to hot flashes.” See, it’s a new medical excuse that she continually finds. They love to always be stuck in an uncured condition that requires them to hide it. Know what I mean?
Months ago, her contacts were the issue. Her doctor wasn’t fitting her right, so her eyes were always red. Then it was her insomnia that made her eyes red. Now its the pre-menpuase that is making her leave the bed. She prepares all of these ailment ahead of time as to not arouse suspicion why behavior changes.
Like I always say, you can’t bullshit a good bullshitter and I was the best.
I am way ahead of her in her tricks.
Things just “pop up.” I almost want to laugh it is so pathetic.
The advice I like is to live a life that is fulfilling. When she drinks, and feels like staying home? Then stay home. My step-daughter and I will go to a movie, sushi. Whatever it is that brings us joy.
Thank you all for that suggestion. It has brought me comfort in knowing I have a lifeline to happiness.
No reason I should miss out on my step-daughters life and happiness. She loves that plan too.
And when my wife decides to sober up and come with us, we are happy for that too.
Mike if she is truly pre-menopausal age 45 and up, I can tell you alcohol makes hot flashes worse! I am through that thank God but when I was going through that even one glass of wine would bring on hot flashes.
And I did leave the bed during hot flashes so not to disturb my X. So this may not be a lie.
Glad your finding joy with your step-daughter and having fun!
[…] days after all of these encounters with an alcoholic. My mind would tell me that I was dating an alcoholic. My heart was telling me she’s just amazing. My hormones were screaming give her an amazing […]