Guest Post By:Gigi
I met my husband at church. Up until we married after dating 2 years, I was very involved with church and had many friends. Soon after the wedding I realized he was hiding alcohol in the garage, the truck and the toolbox of the truck and he was drinking every night. We are still married 16 years later and it has been a living hell. We thankfully don’t have children together, but have children from our former spouses.
My husband allows his adult children to call me names and disrespect me in our home so I have decided to not be around any of them. Last night he tried locking me out of the house again. He threatens to change the locks, turn off the electricity, water and cable and I just tell him to go ahead.
My husband also has an addiction to porn which has completely stopped all intimacy with me. I got tired of him using my body to perform what he just viewed online while drinking. My husband tells me that if I would just go to church with him we would have a better marriage. I stopped going because I couldn’t take his constantly trying to use Scripture on me to show where I’m wrong and he’s okay to drink every night to the point of passing out.
I’ve tried counseling and Al-anon and it has helped to a certain point. I’m listening to your recordings and watching your YouTube videos because I needed a reminder about not letting him get me to argue. That is hard to do when he locks me out of the house on a cold night because I went to visit a girl friend that I’m not supposed to have.
People ask why I stay and my only answer is for financial reasons. I’m 56 with no college education and don’t make enough to survive, I’m sure that’s not a good enough reason to stay, but I do. I can’t believe that someone who calls themselves Christian could have and addiction to alcohol and porn.
JC:Thanks for your submission Gigi. Here’s a link to an excellent article that one of our readers sent in a couple of months ago: Christian Woman Married To An Abusive Alcoholic
I think you will benefit from this video as well about finding happiness within a Christian marriage:
Please feel free to leave a comment below.
They can and do. My wife did the same thing. Mine was smart enough to get pregnant on the honeymoon. She still only listens to Christian radio while being drunk, swearing constantly, talking about other guys and what a slut she was, blah blah blah. Then she talks about mission trips.
Make sense? No. What your husband says and does will not make sense either. Trying to make sense of it is a fools errand. Are you a fool? I finally understood the saying about alcoholics lying when their lips are moving. All those things you described have happened to me, and I’m guessing to everyone that posts here. There are two choices we all face: try to make the best of it and live with it or leave. If you decide to stay, then this site will help. I suspect many of us have not made a decision one way or the other, in that instance, this site is very helpful also. I am sorry you are going through what you are going through. While I used to get upset when people said my wife was not a Christian, I can see now that no- she is not. Jesus said that the way to heaven is narrow. He also said you can judge a tree by its fruit. I think it is hard to enough to be a Christian without being an addict that is active in their addiction. I find it very hard to believe any addict would have any of the fruits of the spirit while active in their addiction, which means our spouses will not spend eternity with us.
I’ve had an on off relationship with the only man I truly loved but the only man who truly crushed me
He is a kind lovibg man and a Christian
But and it’s a big but he on alcahol becomes a cruel, selfish and verbally abusive man who will do anything to prove to himself I’m screaming bonkers and not a Christian while he is a wonderful Christian soul
The truth is that slcahol turns kind people into cruel people
The truth is that anyone can say they are a Christian but none if us have the right to say another is not
However my wonderful man has hurt me too much and has just done detox but is still drinking
He us angry at me and wants nothing to do with me but still prays every night and thanks god for keeping him strong and alive despite the damage he does to his body
One thing we have to realise is that the alcaholics anger and cruelty is what they feel about themselves
In my case my alcaholic hates me because I was the one woman he truly fell in love with to the point that he tried detox for our relationship . It has failed and now he’s angry at me because he knows I won’t be with him if he drinks. He’s angry at me because if I accepted his drinking we’d be together
I tried al anon and I’ve done 12 counselling sessions at the recovery clinic for partners of alcaholics . Some helped but done didn’t
I have though discovered a tv channel called son life church based in Baton Rouge Louisiana … Jsm. Org I think is the website
They have many programmes , done old done new church services, teaching on the bible panels and a phone in
I’ve found it very helpful and enlightening about who we are as Christians and how we behave
To believe in god and go to church and know the bible is believing in Christian faith
But who we are inside, how we treat others and live our lives is what makes us Christian people
We first have to not try to change others, judge them or accuse or let ourselves be taken down
We gave to trust god will find a way if there is going to be a way. Pray for those in turmoil and most importantly remember that god loves you forgives you and wants only for you to be happy
Your husband can’t say you are not a Christian and you cannot say he isn’t one
All you can do is be a Christian by having faith god will bring you what you need . It might not be your husband and I’ve realised all we can do is focus on ourselves and doing right
If someone is hurtful hateful and judging you it’s because they feel that way about themselves
I don’t know your situation but im the same age as you and I understand it’s scarey
Just imagine a picture if yourself as the little girl you were and give her encouragement and take care of her . You are seeing yourself through his eyes
Look at yourself through gods eyes and your own and try to detach from your husbands hurtful words and just jerp to yourself and do things you enjoy see friends who make you feel happy
He won’t like it but I’ve found the best way to stop soneone stealing your life and joy is to ignore them do leave then in their own anger
Check out the son life church jimmy swaggart and maybe you do need to find your faith again but bit because your husband says mean things but for you
Keep it to yourself so he can’t spoil it
Alcahol dependence is not a Christian way it says in the bible that no man should eat or drink anything that causes another soul to stumble
Wine referred to in the bible was bit alcaholic it was grape juice , it only much later by nabs clever ways turned into alcahol we know today
Please don’t listen to your husband on this , find your own way back to church and don’t let the devil steal that from you. It’s what he wants
Your husband like my boyfriend us telling himself believing in god makes it all ok but though they believe they are excusing their drinking just like they do all the time
You can’t argue that with them but you can detach from them so that argument doesn’t hurt you
Much love and as We keep trying to find a way out if this mess we must remember we gave a choice to leave . It may not be comfortable but we do have a choice as we also have a choice about how we stay if we want to
We love them and they probably love us but right now their anger at themselves doesn’t allow them to understand they gave to make changes
They can’t take responsibility for anything other than getting enough money to buy drink and we can only pray that one day they will take responsibility for other things instead if blaming everyone else
Be kind to you just as you would the little girl you once were instead of believing or listening to such nasty stuff
Thanks everyone for reminding me of these important things, especially not believing their insults and taking care of our inner precious little kid.
Jane, everyone comes to their own decision on what to do. If you want a balance to these posts go to “Empowered Recovery” and buy their ebook for 10 bucks. You are being abused. Locking you out of the house is illegal and abusive and since your married you could call the police on that behavior! If you want to get out you will find a way to earn more money, get assistace from the state, churches, utility companies, substidised housing etc…. where there is a will there is a way! And NO God expects us to put up with abuse. Using any religion as an excuse to indulge and abuse is just apauling to me!
Gigi, I beg you, please find a way to get out of this house and start a new life. Life is too short to spend your days suffering like this. As Pez mentioned subsidized housing could be an option with living accommodations. If there’s a Legal Aid Department in your area, as a single woman with little or no income, you would qualify for legal aid representation and could start legal proceedings for alimony. With alimony and a small job you might be able to make a go of it on your own. Anything is better than the life you are living now and with family and friends for support, you could be able to start a brand new life. More importantly Legal Aid could start proceedings wherein he would have to give you 50% of what your home is worth once you are separated. Even if you haven’t contributed to the bills over the years, you are legally able to obtain these rights. Good Luck … I wish you all the best.
Yah…Pez!!!!! Being a Christian doesnt excuse someone to be an addict…in fact thats a lie fom the devil…just because someone is a Christian(& forgiven) doesn’t mean they are now free to live as they want according to their flesh….they should be dispalying the fruits of the spirit as foghorn said…in fact they should have the desire to please God….& ask for gods help to overcome…they are quenching(look it up in Bible) the Holy Spirit with their fleshly desires…my counselor(minister)..says the devil has hold of my ah & my ah’s demons (addictions)….are keeping him from Gods help….& we can do everything we want to to fix the marriage/relationship…but if they dont want to….just staying with them isnt helping them…its enabling them to continue…there has to be a change….one way or the other…inside them..actually addictions can give the devil a foothold…to get into their minds…& actually direct their behavior cause they are opening the door to the addictions not God thus quenching the Holy Spirit till ya wonder & they also do probaly sometime if they are even saved at all….Being filed with the Holy Spirit displays fruit as foghorn said…I saw no fruits in my ah…maybe a hint of a desire to be closer to God..he told me he was jealous of my relationship with Christ…he couldn’t understand …but his idols are his addictions not God & that is why…he was a wanna -be…but not enough to break away from the addictions that controlled him…I have an Aunt that used to be an alcoholic…she told me …when she almost died…she wanted to stop & she admitted she couldn’t do it herself so she told the hospital…they kept her & gave her the treatment she needed…she also became a Christian…& wanted help from God…I dont think that God objects to people helping someone with addictions …in fact he can work through others to help all of his children…Brenda is right about help..for you Gigi….call 211 they have all the answers or knows where ya can get them..for breaking away..helping with all necessities…including Lawyers that do pro-bono work….If you want to leave you can do it with the help ya need to do it…please pray about this…I could & have forgiven my ah…but is it really a healthy relationship when ya have to lick your own wounds inflicted by your spouse? Why should there be wounds? Taking care of my inner child.. was withdrawing from him even when i was there…walking on eggshells to keep peace…wondering when..how or if to say anything even if i felt it was important…cause i knew i couldnt have an discussion with him without him being angry …about something…he always turned on me….I felt like I was living with my enemy …not my best friend..& isnt that the way God wants marriage to be ..a house divided can’t stand …is this th way you want to live? Seems because of your age…you should not want this with the years remaining of your life…Im right there with ya age wise.. You deserve better & ya can break away with help Brenda mentioned & the 211 I mentioned….Ill pray for you…God bless…take care!
One more thing…I walked in on my ah watching porn…i dont believe in it ….& he lied bout his entire character when he dated me….this was one of those lies(he said he ddint believe in it)…my counselor said if a catch them one time theyve prob. done its dozen more…mine made up all kinds of reasons the 1rst time i caught him…then the next time…he broke my nose when i ejected tpe & had it was in my hand… he said get back …grabbed tape…scraped my face made it bleed…then pushed me to grab tape & got my nose…nxt day he said he ddint remember…then he said he tried to push my shoulder got my nose..(so guess my shoulder wouldhve been broke insead?).& it was because I caught him at another one more lie…I forgve him…told him it was the lies more than anything else he told me…that hurt the most…if he would have just said…(sorry it was a wek moment)…I would have forgiven & trust wouldnt be lost…but….its the things he hid from me….like the hidden liquor when he said he would stop…the sneaking when he said he needed a drink of water…the statements bout he stopped doing pot & then accidently left it out one time….the bottles of perscrption pills i found hidden here & tere from ex wife & his ex gf…..the pot…. gf he missed he claimed texted him but he texted her instead saying he missed her….after a while trust is just gone….why cant they just be honest & say they are sorry? Everyones posts on here ….that I have read…ya all sound like loving forgiving people…giving chance after chance to ah’s that take advantage of their spouses forgiveness…very sad…all my sis a friends….take care of yourself…..make decisions for you & your kids well-being…thats what God would want ya to do….ya all are in my prayers daily! peace!
Sounds a lot like my life.
Al Anon is a depressing as the alcoholic. It just reminds me of what I am living with.
Everything I thought was helping didn’t help. The more life goes on, the more I now know, 100%, that the drinkers drinks out of choice.
It is not a disease, sorry. Number one BS is pretending it is.
No mater what pseudo researchers say, it is a choice.
Here’s a good test. If the drinker was on a deserted island, with nothing but the basics, would they die or get worse?
You think they would not clean up? Would they die from withdrawal?
Of course not.
In every meeting I have ever been to, if one is not in their face calling the drinker, they are called ‘enablers.’
The biggest enablers are ones who call it a disease.
My dad, mom and niece died of cancer. THAT is a disease. They never drank cancer. They didn’t choose cancer off of a shelf.
Nothing is working. The drinking still continues. New excuses, new ways of becoming the victim. New ways of learning why is it a disease and that there is no choice.
If drinking is “not a choice” then how do people in AA stay sober?
By AA’s own admission they are liars. What made drinkers stop during AA? It was their choice to stop or relapse.
AA teaches about removing “triggers’ and surrounding the drinker with non-tigger surroundings.
Good grief, why do we treat them like children?
AA is good to stay off drinking, but you only are addicted to AA now.
I suppose that is better than drinking.
Let the drinkers keep to themselves. Make sure you tell everyone to not get involved with alcoholics.
That is the best message we can take from all of this is, they are not going to change for anyone but themselves, and as drinkers hate themselves, that won’t change soon.
Each of us knows a person involved with an alcoholic. Before they take the relationship to the next level, we need to be responsible enough and caring enough to teach them.
They need to know the truth about alcoholism.
If you love them, save them and tell them the truth about what they are getting involved with.
Would you let your best friend drive toward a cliff and not say anything?
Instead of whining, let’s make it a point to educate people about the seriousness of involvement in an alcoholic relationship.
We all saw it and ignored it. Let’s learn to teach others.
My good frend at work, just married a lovely woman who is an alcoholic. He said she promised to stay sober.
Hey Mike- I hear ya. I can’t say I disagree with what you’re saying. I’ve had a really bad day today. She’s been drinking herself stupid all week. This morning I had coffee with a friend at 8. Her and our toddler usually sleep in until 10. She woke up as I was leaving. She wouldn’t believe me. So I showed her his text messages. Then I even sent her a picture of him and I at coffee. She knows him. He’s a good guy- fourth grade teacher, educated, etc. she got angry, has stayed angry, and is out shopping with our daughter instead of all of us together saying things like “you have ruined this “ENTIRE DAY”, etc. she swore at me after I sent nice texts saying this was a communication issue and unfortunate but if love to see her the rest of the day. Her response? “FU”. Now it’s a silent treatment, how she would rather be at work, she likes her days off in the middle of the week without me, etc. the house is a disaster and a mess but she’s out at the malls spending hundreds while I’m at home cleaning because I can’t stand the filth. I just want to cry, I am miserable, have a lump in my throat, and feel like death. I’m hoping someone can offer a perspective and some words here, as I feel like I’m on an island all alone. Thanks, foghorn
Foghorn you have done nothing wrong by having coffee with a friend. She is simply jealous and trying to keep your focus on her. How dare you enjoy yourself when she feels that you should live to placate her? That is what she is probably thinking. It is terrible and another form of manipulation. I know it is difficult to ignore and she is punishing you by not spending time with you and taking your daughter’s attention and presence away from you. But do not let her hurt you this way. Take the alone time to do something you would like to do to relax or catch up on reading a good book or something. This way her attempts to control you by punishing you for having a life and enjoying your morning will not work on you.
Thanks, Julie. You know, even of I was at fault and could have communicated better, I tried to apologize- you’re a woman- how would you respond if your husband said, “you know, I’m sorry I could have told you or it didnt work out so great, Im sorry- lets have a great day”. It wasnt about alone time or friend time, it was simply not wanting to be alone while she sleeps off her booze. Nonetheless she acts like an immature ass, gives silent treatment, mistreats, etc. she called me fatass, prick, etc. then when she was good and drunk by 5 pm, she asked if i was ready to apologize for being so stupid and that I mess things up on a monumental scale. Really? I don’t want a war zone, I want a home. This sucks.
Wow if my husband had apologized and said he would communicate better next time i would be fine with that. But then i am not an alcoholic trying to manipulate and control. I have been in your shoes with my now ex ah. I feel for you and it totally sucks you are right. I know how you feel beccause i had such a struggle trying to make a peaceful home and still keep our marriage intact and tried to save the family unit. BUt you knwo what? My 2 oldest children when they were oinly 8 and 10 said to me that “dad is not really part of the family. He is just here and he ruins everything.” And you knwo what? They were absolutely right. I gave my ex a million chances and wake up calls to do the right thing and make the changes he had to make to give his children a loving home, but his answer was to increase his abuse and i finally got us all out. Believe me it sounds easier said than done and we are still struggling. He has threatened us after the divorce and caused a lot of scary harrassment before i was able to get a protection order and now we are still dealing with his BS as he drags me and the kids to court over and over fighting for visitation (even though he never spent time with the kids when we were married) and trying to get the protection order lifted. But in the meantime we have peace like we have never known before. I used to be worried about what would happen if i left my ah bc i was afraid he would lose his job if i was not there to get him up and off to work and i was afraid he would not remember to pay his bills and on and on. And guess what? Now i left and he is making mistakes and lost his job and had his cellphone shut off etc… but it is not my problem. I am concentrating on helping my children heal who are being treated by counselors for post traumatic stress disorder after living with this selfish man and building up my own value inside of me so that he cannnot use me anymore. I don’t know what to tell you except to take things one day at a time and start by learning all you can about your situation and steps you can take if you are willing to make things better. I used to wonder how can i not take his abuse and the answer was to walk away and when he followed me around the house and threatened me or physically attacked me i called the police and when he still continued the same behavior I took the steps to get out because i asked myself how long i wanted to live like this and realized that my children’s lives were being destroyed by the chaos and drama etc… So i know you are living in hell right now but you need to take back your power over your own life to make things better. I strongly recommend reading the Empowered Recovery book the relationship guide to living with an alcoholic. i am reading it now and it so would have helped me figure out what to do when i was in your shoes years ago. Let me knwo how you are doing. God Bless
One more thing Foghorn Leghorn: You are a wonderful caring person and you do not want that destroyed by anger and resentment. Take care and stay the wonderful person you are!
Foghorn, I hope all went ok last night. Let me know how you are feeling.
Like Julie21 said, “Read the Empowered Recovery” book for $10.00! If you dare to hear the truth and challenge yoursef!! If you don’t want to hear the truth don’t read it.
Foghorn, Just reading about your Saturday, it’s late Sunday night now. Just saying, you can find me through fb, I’m friends with some of the folk from this site. I did find you on linked in, but unless I sign up with that forum, I don’t reckon I can communicate with you. But what the hey–did see your handsome face!
Meanwhile, (enough small talk), I have to say that what went on with you and yours makes me heartsick. I’ve been there ,pal, too many times. At one point, my life was pretty bad. Sounds like you didn’t argue with AW, that’s good and quite a feat. Argueing with an A is futile, except to make things worse, especially for you. Futile, Foghorn. And I agree with Julie21, during the times that you’re reeling from the whole mess, find yourself something constructive to do. Anything. Although you probably won’t be able to get the hurt (and fury) off your mind, you’ll be heading in a healing direction. Gotta start somewhere.
And remember the one day at a time slogan. There were times, years, that I could only get through minutes at a time, days at a time, etc.. You have some good stuff to work with, raw material if you will, you’re going to make it through this Foghorn. I don’t profess to have answers that’s a one-size-fits-all, but if you want to talk, find me. And re-read what JC has offered on this site. Read it daily, whatever it takes. In my opinion, he knows of what he speaks, well.
Pez, Gonna get that book. Amazon?
Sojourner, the book can be bought through Empoweredrecovery.com . Check this site out! IT is tremendous insight for someone living with an alcohlic or addict.
Thank you Julie21. I have visited that site. S.
16years is a long time. Him telling lies to his family and them repeating it is him blame shifting to make you look bad. Infidelity and porn is totally unacceptable. Been there.Done that. Had it done to me. Got the T-shirt to prove it. DONT LET WHAT YOU CANT DO STOP YOU FROM WHAT YOU CAN DO! Can’t leave? Leave for one night each week & stay with friends. Check with a lawyer about spousal support. Don’t disrespect yourself-He is doing enough of that for you. Set some boundaries and you will get through this.
Hi everyone, thanks for your thoughtful replies. I read them as they came in and they were extremely helpful, even though I was too depressed to respond. All I can do at this point is finish the remodel on the house and get it ready for resale this spring while not losing my mind or having a heart attack in the process. I will buy that e-book now. I’m really suffering at her hands, but I know I will be ok in the long run. Thanks for all hour help and kind words. foghorn. 🙂