How can you best handle a jealous alcoholic? If your boyfriend or girlfriend is a little drunk, the unacceptable behavior gets worse. It appears that people who are insecure about themselves would have more of a tendency to get mad about a third person popping up in the realm of your relationships.
People don’t have to be jealous about people though. Oftentimes it may be an occupation or even a hobby that causes trouble in a relationship. For instance, suppose you are working all of the time or out playing golf instead of spending time with your best friend. That could cause some major waves between you two.
Here’s an observation to be considered though, are you doing things to cause them to not trust you? This should not take much thought. Just think about what would make you mad or to not trust your boyfriend or girlfriend. Be totally honest! If you are doing things that you would be mad at them for doing, then HELLO! Perhaps they have a right to be a little ticked off. Walk a mile in their shoes and see what life would be like for you.
If it’s OK for you to stay out all night long with a friend of the opposite sex and it’s not OK for your boyfriend or girl friend, in your eyes, to do the same then you have a major problem. Doing something like that is just asking for trouble anyway. If I am in love with someone why would I want to create an atmosphere that allows them to be left to their own devices in their head.
Anyway, if you just have a very possessive friend who has a drinking problem, then you may just need to set some boundaries or look for a more stable friend. Alcoholics can display very dysfunctional behaviors that have ill effects on us.
How to set boundaries with an alcoholic:
Only set the boundaries when the opportunity arises. If you start noticing a patterned behavior that relates to their being jealous, confront it in a nice way when it raises up in front of you. First off, reassure them of how much you love and care for their friendship. Ask them in a nice way to please stop whatever it is that they are doing. If they forget the boundary you set, remind them about it.
Now, if their jealous behaviors get to be uncomfortably unbearable, separate yourself from them for the moment until they calm down.
You should always live by the number one rule, “NEVER ARGUE WITH AN ALCOHOLIC.”
If you recognize that the relationship is just too unhealthy for you, then you should consider finding some new friends who are more stable. Dysfunctional alcoholic friends can be too much to deal with sometimes. It’s best to search out more healty relationships.
There are plenty of fish in the world for you to not have to live with a jealous boyfriend, friend or girlfriend. It’s just no worth the frustration of dealing with someone who is continually unreasonable when we are doing all that we can to ensure that they know that they are the only one we want to be with.
You can start attending alcoholism support group meetings if you want to continue your relationship with them.
After reading this article, I would not go one more day without finding an Al-anon support group to be part of.
I have a question for all of you out there. It may seem stupid or a fairy tale….but I am going to throw it out there anyway. Have any of you experienced jealousy from the Alcoholic/addict in your life. Meaning you have had a date or someone interested in you and he or she finds out..was there a reaction from in and what kind. My AA will pull me close to him and demand that I remain faithful to him and I always have and then he pushes me away and tells me that I am a free agent. So…does he want me to be faithful or a free agent and find someone who will make me happy and have fun with. Which the alcoholic/addict is unable to do. So any stories or advice would be greatly helpful to me. Thanks
Karen, I think it’s best to live life by the phrase “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” I am cautious to not allow an opportunity for jealousy to arise. I think if I genuinely love someone, then I will be faithful to them and avoid situations that would cause them to be jealous. Once trust is broken it just opens the door for unending troubles.
Alcoholics can be very jealous at times, but I have found that if I am doing my ‘very’ best to let the alcoholic know that they are the only one I want to be with, then jealousy has no way to creep in and destroy my relationship.
I could never have an open relationship. That’s just a recipe for disaster.
Dear John…thanks for sharing your story.
The part that really has me confused,besides the whole situation.
He tells me when he is in the manic phase of his drinking binge that he loves me and makes me promise to be true to him.
When he starts to come down from his high he tells me that I can do whatever i want and that I am a free agent.
What is that all about.
Look forward to your comment.
Karen, My AH has done that number on me multiple times through the years. Push-pull-push-pull, etc.. I handle it by doing what John has said, I take the “high road”. I’m just not going to try and make sense out of nonsense anymore, no matter the subject matter. The days of being yanked around causing me untold heartache are mostly over. It’s a win-win. I am who I am supposed to be and he seems to re-focus better when I am stable. As usual, you aren’t alone, there are others of us who understand what you’re dealing with.
Karen, when I read your comment I thought of the saying: “we are only as sick as our secrets.”
I searched a little on the Internet and found this statement: “Besides, I have also learned that the consequences of not being forthright are far worse than the ones I feared facing to begin with. Telling fibs or outright lies or withholding the truth are all crazy-making behaviors and deny both myself and the other person dignity and respect.”
I cannot have secrets in my life. I am a one man kind of woman. It’s not the alcoholic’s responsibility to make me happy. I love this post: https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2011/10/choose-happy-alcoholic/
I have only two options:
1) I can change my address
2) I can change my attitude
Complicating my relationship with the alcoholic by entertaining thoughts of doing something that might cause him to be jealous is not an option.
Karen, I totally understand the push-pull insanity that occurs within our relations with alcoholics. My alcoholic is on several prescriptions for depression. It’s like being with five different women in a day sometimes. One pill may relax her and make her all mushy and loving and before I know it she is accusing me of having an affair when I leave the house. I’ve always been faithful and find myself being very short with her when she starts her stupid jealous talk. Maybe I could be a little more sensitive to her feelings, but it’s like no matter how much I express to her that she is the only one in my life it’s never enough. So, I say things like “don’t be ridiculous” and then I walk out of the room. Now, there have been a few times when I got very jealous of how she was interacting with men through the years. When she gets a few drinks in her she can be very flirtations. I believe she has always been faithful because deep down, I know she is not the type of person to cheat on me. Still her behavior and some mens behaviors have caused me to have very jealous feelings. We’ve had more than one argument over the past five years about this sort of thing. All I can do is keep a watchful eye and know that if she ever does cross the line, I will not tolerate it!
What about those of you out there dealing with jealous spouses? I notice my alcoholic husband’s thinking is very irrational at times. He imagines things and attacks me as though they were real. for eaxmple, on our honeymoon we had the worst fight of our lives. He came back at me because I was polite to the airline pilot as we boarded on the plane. I gave instructions to the taxicab driver to our destination – which made him accuse me of flirting with driver. We went on a tour the following day and he got on my case because I gave a donation and placed it in the donation envelope for the tour guide. Of course, I liked him so I tipped him. I was so insulted that he thought I had nothing to do but flirt on my honeymoon. When we came back to our honeymoon suite he called me a flirt, he said I deserved to be cheated on when we got home because I humiliated him in front of every guy I talked to. I can’t go on my whole life talking only to women. My friends know me well and were apalled when I told them what happened. They know I would never do anything like that. Needless to say, this ruined the whole honeymoon. Then he blamed me for ruining the honeymoon. He said it was ALL MY FAULT! I was constantly on guard and afraid to talk to anyone after that. Has anyone gone thourgh something like this?
I so sorry you had to go through this on your honeymoon…of all times; it must break your heart.
I was just telling my bestfriend today…I look back on all the bad times I had with my xah and all the stories I read and it’s like they really are crazy. You can’t make sense out of non-sense”.
Whatever he says is more about him and not about you.
The real problem is, they do work on their issues, and they spend more energy running (and drinking) rather than dealing with it.
Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics) by John Bradshaw is a good book to help you understand him and understand yourself. You can also listen to him on YouTube. He is a recovering alcoholic, is very open and straight forward. I first saw him on TV and read his book in the 80’s… my bestfriend and I still read his book when we are struggling with something.
Thanks! I will look into this book. I read the review – sounds like my hubby will like it as well. HE actually does alot of reading. Maybe it will leave an impression.
Karen – all I can say about an jealous alcoholic is mine is one 24/7 – he is never not jealous; he has trust issues like you would not believe; I have to check in with him every 5 minutes, but then he forgets to check in with me and wonders why I get angry – he even gets jealous when I meet a girlfriend for brunch or something because he does not ever really believe that’s what I’m doing. He knows before I met him I dated on the internet, so if I even touch my computer at home he’s right over my shoulder watching what I’m doing . . or I get a text he wants to know who it’s from, but he gets a text and I ask who it was he’ll respond with “what? you writing a book” . . a real double standard and it makes me nutso . . I’m one of the most loyal trusting people in the world and he doesn’t trust me no further than he can throw me . . I’ve lost a number of my friends because he just won’t let me see them – and get this, he’s been raving at me to start Al Anon and get some help . . so I said ok . . I’m going to my first meeting Monday . . now he’s all jealous worried I might meet someone there that I like . . I can’t fricking win . . insanity . .
Sandy, I love what you said: “I’m one of the most loyal trusting people in the world.” You just totally convinced me and I have no idea what type of person you are. I have to wonder if he has ever had someone cheat on him before. Do you think he’s carrying around a bunch of old baggage from previous relationships? Oh, wait a minute, I almost forgot that when we are interacting with an alcoholic we can drive ourselves bonkers trying to sort through the insanity.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion that can work in positive ways. I think in order for it to be used as an asset the two people involved must be willing to work with one another.
Have you ever asked him why he acts jealous? Maybe there are things the two of you could talk about that would help him feel more sure of himself in the relationship. Perhaps there are things that he would like you to do that would reinforce your dedication to him. On the other hand he may deny being jealous and take offense…
You know, I just have to live a life worthy of trust. If I falter from that then there’s reason for jealousy to creep in.
Hi John – he is carrying a ton of baggage from past relationship . . it would fill the cargo hold of a 747 :o) but seriously, it has scared him big time; he says he knows I’m different than the others but when it comes to trust me it will fly out the window – now I should say that he is better than he was a year ago; so I do think he’s got a bit more trust for me but he’s very good at playing the victim and thinking the world is out to get him; so he always thinks I have some ulterior motive in play when all I want to do is go to a movie with a girl friend . . I’ve tried to calm down in this area and just reassure him before I leave “I love you, I’m not going out to do anything you don’t know about blah blah blah” and it’s helping . . but I’ve NEVER lived like this before – even all my ex’s used to say that they trusted me more than themselves so this is really different hurtful territory for me . . and I agree, I have to live in a trusting life and this has been a huge problem for us . . well for me I guess . .